As I drive home today, I tried to feel my feelings. I have been intentional with my healing and it starts with acknowledging my emotions. I know I miss him but my heart seems to be emotionally unavailable. It started to get so numb recently, well maybe because I let the voice inside my head remind me everyday that it was my fault and that he no longer have that patience to deal with my misfortunes.
The past months I believed what his mom said to me that there are a lot in his plate and he just wanted to be alone, that I should pray because if we’re meant to be then God will certainly paved way. I thought that it was him who needs to work on his dreams first and focus more on himself until I found out there’s someone else.
I wanted to write about what I felt today because it’s almost a year that he left me but instead of feeling fine, it’s been challenging. I’m starting to get tired of the unpredictable relapses cause by triggers. It can cripple me for a day or two that can affect my productivity at work. There are days when I wish I could have took the high road with someone else like what he did but finding a different person is not the answer. It’s also a tricky situation to enter when you have not come into terms with your past self.
I thought I was fine until I was not.
There are words left unsaid and unwritten but I’ll start with saying how much I miss the memories. I miss the feeling when someone actually cared if you ate or not or if you arrived home safely. I miss the company, the banters, the road trips, the deep talks and the way he held my hand. I miss the nights shared walking, eating and being silent together. I miss having someone who I can be myself with to the point where I can rant about my private life. I miss having a family after my mom died. I miss the dogs, their pets and their home. I miss being part of something that made me feel accepted. I am beyond grateful for all the help especially all the financial aid they’ve provided for my mom’s surgery and sponsoring all the burial expenses when there’s nothing left of my bank account. I had too many debts and things have been too chaotic.
I wish I too died that day.
The past four years were never easy. Month over month seems to be a war I have to win against myself and my limiting beliefs. I have to muster the courage to pretend that I am getting better, I guess not. It’s not too long when the baggages I hid started to show. I know I am in a tough situation but I kept on prioritizing things that kept me sane. My demons kept on lurking at 3AM reminding me of my life, the grief I didn’t process… I kept on running away, escaping the thoughts and kept on rewarding myself to keep me somewhat happy until it got all messy, mismanaged finances, loans to pay from loan sharks of cash apps, debts and the rest is a nightmare I no longer want to experience again.
There are moments when I am surprised how I survived those days. That chapter of my life was the darkest, most excruciating and mind-blowing. Writing has been my refuge. I became closer to God by surrendering. I kept on surrendering. I kept on believing that my time will come too just like other people and that nothing is permanent. I pray that things will get better in time.
I hope I will heal from you. I know in my heart that I still love you that’s why I am too affected by all the stories I’ve heard and seen in social media. I hope I can just go forward with everything but I never cease in praying that God will help me figure things out. I trust his plan and I pray that one day I can just look back with a grateful heart that things may have not workout previously because God is preparing me for something better, for a new chapter that will unfold beautifully and that even there are still wars I have to win, it’s now easier and bearable. I’ve endured too many for years and it’s time to relax and pay forward.
I honestly want to live in peace if it’s not too much to ask. Free from financial anxieties but more on building better social communities at work. To remember people who were there during that particular season in my life and keep on hustling. I wanted to settle down and build my own family, be happy with the present moment. I kept on manifesting that things will get better and that this time there will be no odds I hope to be in my favor. This time the universe will prioritize me because I attracted this life. I hope I’ll heal from everything that wounded me in the past and all those scars remind me how I conquered each pain with God in my life.
I pray for my old love that he’ll be able to rise from the grief and loss he feels after Tito died. I hope he’ll be able to reach his dreams and that he’ll find the peace he deserves. He has all the potentials and I hope he’ll use all of that as opportunities for him to be better in life. I wanted to hug him tight when he is sad and I wanted to be there for all the chapters in his life but I know my place. Times changed. I changed. we changed. Thank you for all the great times together and sorry for every pain I have caused you.
It’s time to bid goodbye to my old self and welcome the new version of myself who conquered the pain you left this past few months.
Taming The Chaos Inside 