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Monthly Archives: October 2014

The Power of Self – Awareness

I find people amusing. Each of us has our own stories to tell, various backgrounds that mold us on who we are today and different types of personalities that make this world a little lot interesting.

I am one of those gazillions of people living on Earth today.

There are actually lots of personal battles I’m going through despite my all known positive demeanor. I might share some trivial facts about me just because I’m in the urge to blog what feel.

I’m like a coach, pushing people to be their best and learn to love what they do. Quitting was never an option to me. I don’t easily give up no matter how it’ll hurt, no matter how many times I’m subject to such rejection. I’m resilient, patient and definitely persistent.

I am hard – headed. I do things my way especially if it works for me in the past. 

I have my own biases. I don’t listen to people who for me is stupid and does not make any sense.

I am not sweet, not the affectionate kind of girl. I feel so awkward when I try to be thoughtful. I was not born in an outspoken household who confesses to the world how they love each other. I know my parents love me and I love them too but saying I love you in person is really awkward.

I am independent. I don’t like to rely on other people. I don’t like it when I’m someone else’s responsibility not that I’m proving something or whatsoever. I just don’t like that idea. I don’t want to owe anyone anything as much as possible. I want to be responsible of everything that I do because I’m also responsible of my own failure. I don’t want to blame people of my pitfalls.

In relation to me being independent is my unreasonable trust issues. You can’t just make me open up and lay all my cards in the table. Blame it to my pride in some instances but I’m just really the private type. If people starts to open up to me, I swear to God I’m really promising not to break that trust. I’m proud of the people I shared my life with as they’ve accepted me for who I am and kept my secrets guarded.

I love selflessly. Love makes me stupid, vulnerable and weak. It’s like my Achilles heel. And no matter how I tried to fight my feelings, at the end of the day I usually give in. I still pray that I’ll found someone who totally understands me and will definitely tame my independent, hard-headed and egocentric side.

Also, I tried to commit suicide multiple times but I just can’t do it. Depression drives me nuts but I’m glad that increasing my self-esteem and self-awareness really helped me a lot. I acknowledged that life will never go my way all the time. I learned that I’m not always right and that I too can be a failure. I suck at several things and instead of sulking into desperation, I just accept it and move forward.

I plan a lot. I know how I planned my life during my teenage years thus the frustration I feel today. I’m not even halfway in my bucket list. I don’t feel any sense of fulfillment at this age. Honestly, I still don’t know what I really want to happen in my life.

I took up graduate studies to learn more but here I am desperately trying my best to comprehend managerial and financial accounting. I know I’m not really into business and how stupid I am to take the risk of studying something that is actually my weakness. No wonder I’m doomed but it’s a decision I made so I’ll finished what I’ve started.

I want to travel and explore the world. It’s been my dream, to be an ambassador of something. Here I go again in trying to make this world a livable place. A constant reminder to myself:  “I’m not a superhero!”

There are things that have happened that is still not sinking into my system just like my recent promotion if you can actually call it that way. It’s not that I’m surprised or something because I know I deserved it, it’s just that I’m not really too giddy about it. It’s not something I would actually die for, just something that would feed my ego — an affirmation of my worth in the company. I never like politics so wherever I am, I know it’s hard earned. Now that I’ve reached a certain status quo, my mission is then again prove that I can be a good leader despite my own personal issues that I need to straighten out.

I am still learning more about myself. The beauty of writing my thoughts is for me to read it someday and realized that today is actually significant in my tomorrow, that maybe this lost feeling is actually just a period of transformation prepping me up for a much brighter future if not at least a better and bolder person.

If only I can turn back time, I could have tweak something in my life and that would probably my understanding on certain events. Of course, I am thankful on how things turned out to be because it made me lot better. Life’s been tough but glad that I victoriously survived all the ordeals. Today seems to be just a prelude to another challenging yet fulfilling chapter.

I yearn for that day when everything finally makes sense. When all the confusion, the pains, the weariness and the tears will actually disappear and a new wisdom about life follows. I know someone out there feels the way I do and I hope he or she won’t just give up. I’m still holding on to my faith. I trust God and his plans for me. Who am I to question his grander plan? Time is of the essence here. I trust him when he says wait and I trust him more when he says NO.

Life’s chaotic but you really need to find your zen or else you’ll lose your sanity. There are times, most of the time perhaps that I feel like I’m stuck in a hapless situation and that it sucks to pretend I’m fine when I’m actually not. I imbibed this chill persona because it made me less insane with life. I always took some moments off my daily routine such as walking or blogging to connect to my inner self. It’s a stressful world we’re all in, problems growing if left unattended, deadly deadlines to beat and the demands of people are just too much to take. It took me a while to master this zen aura though. I’m always mad as what Hulk said in Avengers but I need to control my emotions. I drew wisdom from past experiences and spent few hours contemplating. I’ve nursed my bruised ego several times and realized that someone out there is actually better than me so I just need to know myself more and find my own spotlight.

Invest only in good karma and learn to forgive because it makes life hell lot better. So that’s basically it — learn the art of self – awareness that will lead you to accept yourself in ways you never thought you can and in the end will surely boost your own self esteem making you a better person.

 
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Posted by on October 13, 2014 in inspirational, journal, life, Life Blog

 

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Can You Keep A Secret: This Ain’t A Review

I spent my Sunday reading Sophie Kinsella’s book “Can You Keep A Secret? “. I was in awe on how I am totally engrossed with it that I was able to finished it in a day. It’s not a life – changing, nerve – wracking and inspirational book, it’s just one entertaining piece of literature just perfect enough to waste my time because I feel so indifferent after having such an I – don’t – know kind of Saturday.

My Saturday sucks and I would admit I am so into the idea of drowning it away with beer or rum. Seriously, after eating rice bowl in Grill Guru, I had this crazy desire of being drunk because I have piles of miseries all waiting to be thrown away to nirvana but I choose to walk and did window shopping and spotting something to buy for the Christmas season. I had the worst score in my exam history. I now declare to the world how I hate accounting and how it depresses me. I hate how we learn accounting in graduate school wherein 80% is more on us reporting topics we are unsure about and 20% of it is our beloved teacher’s lecture which I must admit is understandable than my classmate’s boring blabs.

I guess my quest in finding myself is actually getting somewhere. I partly blame myself for my failure but I blame my accounting professor for being not a good professor. I know he’s smart and all those sorts but I just don’t find it sensible to have those students who are not even well versed to talk about accounting and expect them to effectively relay their understanding to their fellow students who has no background in accounting. For Chrissake!

Anyways, I am doomed. I already sulk into tears months back trying to figure out if I made the right decision of taking up MBA when I am a complete moron in accounting. Oh lord.

————- whatever —————

Honestly, there are lots of secrets I too keep. Just like Emma, I too have weird secrets.

1. I hate people who spells quiet as quite like cmon?! Can you guys differentiate one from the other?
2. I have secret feelings for my best pal and I don’t even know how to tell him but I believe it’ll die down soon because it’s been years and we’re not actually leveling up. It’s like yeah we care about each other, get drunk together, talk about stuffs then here I am staring into the nothingness — will this work out?  My blog posts actually revolves on him and I have a feeling he knows but glad that he pretends he’s not aware of it.
3. I actually want to confront his ex or not really his ex — whatever!  I want to be a bitch for once just like her.
4. I spy on some Facebook profiles to gather information like CIA — I pattern it quizzically. That was college.
5. My mind is actually a filthy place. I need to filter it out by using my mouth.
6. Coffee is my drug. It shoots me up…  ❤
7. I don’t do drugs. I drink a lot but I’m saying NO to drugs. It’s a promise, a principle I want to live by for the rest of my life.
8. I drink beer, rum, vodka and tequila. I keep some of the bottles in our CR where nobody can actually reached it. I actually want to try whiskey but it burns. Poor liver. I swear I’m going to change my bad habits. At least I don’t destroy my lungs.
9.  I hid myself in the closet several times when I was a kid and let my parents worry where I have been. At 5, I needed peace of mind — nah,  just want people to worry about me.
10. I hate when my mom misses the time or when she keeps on repeating things, saying it over and over again plus trying to make a conversation with no sense just for the sake of having a conversation. I know I’ve been indifferent lately but honestly I’m just scared and I don’t actually know how to deal with an aging parent. I just can’t take it. 11. How I mentally think of him and voila he finally texts me or calls me… I can’t help it, I feel so extremely giddy.
12. How I hate to be put in a very awkward situation like when I’m with guys and they start to talk about secret boy stuffs they do in the bathroom then they noticed me and then voila — awkward silence. I hate it but I always initiate to break the ice and change
the topic. Major hassle… 
13. When I don’t get those double meaning jargons … it actually frustrates me when I don’t get it. Sheeez!?!
14. I stupidly used a metal fork once to get that jammed bread in the toaster thus it electrocuted me.
15. I tried to revive a dead goldfish by resuscitation when I was in sixth grade.
16. I laughed out loud when watching horror movies especially if I’m with group of friends so as when watching love scenes.
17. I am actually horrified with the idea that he might have read my previous posts and finds out that I write about him. He might end our friendship.
18. If I find you stupid, nothing that you’ll say will matter. Whether you’re a senior, my boss or a stranger… I’ll do it my way, I don’t care what you say.
19. I hate the free coffee in our pantry, it gives me diarrhea.
20. I hate waiting. Seriously.
21. I broke my mom’s favorite Glen Miller CD and pretended that it was actually her fault she scratched it.
22. I’ve got this weird dreams about cars even though I don’t know how to drive. Yeah, someday soon I’ll buy one. Hard earned money — YES!
23. I despise people who works in a call center and promised myself not to work for one because it’s a no-brainer job but here I am almost 5 years in this industry. I really learned a lot but still I am not proud. Having a tough degree and working in a call center heightens my insecurities…  What have happened to my dreams? My plans?  My life? I am a team lead trainee with a jaded future though I’m working hard, emitting a positive demeanor, sleeping my beautiful weekends away, working on my Master’s degree yet feeling stupid in Accounting and engaging in self destructing acts that make me happy. Yeah. Welcome to my life.
24. Fudge.  I am actually getting crazier, thinking of settling down and raise a family of my own. For a person who hates commitment, it’s scary. I want my own happy ever after but yeah some bitch I mean witch might be laughing her ass out at me then post another Facebook status telling me that happy ever after does not exist in this world — maybe in mine but not in his world. I’m referring again to her ex or not really ex… Whatever who believes she’s Aurora awaken by a drunken kiss. Pathetic. I’m glad she’s busy in finding herself with God she won’t bother me anymore by her immature acts. I might lose her as a friend but I don’t really care. If she does not understand why bother?

Lastly, I’m battling depression. I don’t think I need medical attention yet because I have a feeling this will actually fade away. It’s this quarter life crisis thing. It’s when you realized that at 24 you’re going nowhere. I feel like shit. I have been an outstanding student. I never failed my parents. I never did anything stupid. My solution to this depressing situation I’m in is getting drunk or write. I also sulk in my room, listen to music and read magazines, self help books and indulge in social media. I am fully aware of my actions but life gets so frustrating I just need a breather and be with people who understands.

Nobody gets me I guess… Well not in a way I get myself of course. I’m lucky to have great sets of friends who knows how to deal with my craziness. I’m an ambivert – a mixture of an introvert and extrovert. I cherished solitude and be with people I can get along. There are times I feel like a total failure. There are times I don’t actually understand why things are bound to happen. There are times I want to confront him and ask him if he loves me because this guessing game usually makes me frustrated. I must admit I’m jealous when he’s with someone who’s eyes keep on sparkling when he talks. Jealousy — not good. Gawd, I’m imagining things and suddenly gets mad then suddenly lose my own gift of reason. I just hate it when the green-eyed monster takes over me.

I’m insane — or maybe I’m actually normal. Faith is all I need.

I don’t know.

I just hope I’ll found my own Jack Harper.

I hope I’ll finally get this mess I’m in straight.

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Via: http://Icanrelateto.com

I’ve got deadlines to beat and I’m actually hating the fact that I’ll be taking up managerial accounting next semester again. I hate dealing with 18 individuals whose personalities differ but I actually have to because I wanted to challenge myself and the company is paying me to do so. It’s actually draining me when they emit all the bad vibes in the world and I need to fuckibg absorb it. I hope they’ll feel that I’m doing everything I can for them and all I ask is cooperation. As much as I want to move mountains and let those ends meet, I cannot. Cmon… Not all the time it’ll go your way so I rather hear sighs of relief than complaints. If you keep on complaining — quit your job. We don’t need whiners. I too have issues but I won’t let it affect my life in the workplace. I know I need to brush my own personal shits and be the bigger person. I can definitely pull this act well… Must read more leadership articles and the likes.

I hate how things are actually going on with my life. I must be just stressed out or something. I hate the fact that I’m here blogging about how depressing things can be and how I hate those misspelled words that I see. I don’t actually know if someone might actually care after reading this or some random stranger might accused me of being the modern psychopath. I don’t actually know how to define what I feel. All I know is that I have deadlines and work deliverables to meet.

Oh God, help me out here. Can you just set aside some of my feelings?  Geez.

Now, this ain’t a review of a book I just recently read. It’s a blab about my awesome life at 24. Finally, after almost a month…  I had wrote something. I think I’m on a dry spell of some sort that no matter how hard I tried, I was not able to write but glad to be back on track.

And that’s how my weekend…

Oh my, Monday once again. Fudge.

 
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Posted by on October 13, 2014 in inspirational, journal, Life Blog, people

 

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