RSS

Tag Archives: faith

Coffee Diary. 

Almost 2am and I can’t sleep. 

My mind is such a terrible place at this hour and has been calmed down by caffeine for the mean time. I spent my night tossing and turning on my bed forcing myself to sleep but it didn’t happen. Minutes of dozing off and my brain cells are then wired up for some analysis of life’s events. It’s a little bit terrifying when it starts to rehash memories and try to puzzle out stuff that I should not worry about. I just locked my demons back to where it belongs to and I can say I’m fine or at least I believe I am. I am pretty much aware that all the summer feels were gone and my life revolves from gloomy to stormy. I can see the sun once in a while but clouds kept on covering all the sunrays. 

I’m still trying to convince myself that I don’t need medical attention for my depression. I think I’m fine. I know I’m not but at least I’m not suicidal… well not yet. Every day is such a challenge especially if my mind starts to drift. I always daydream though to survive each day but I turned into a hopeless person from a person full of sunshine. 

I guess I need a break. 

I guess I will be fine. 

Keep going as they say… so that’s what I’ll do, go on. Be strong. Pray. Lean on God. 

I love God and I know everything will be fine if I put my trust in him. 😊

Advertisements
 
Leave a comment

Posted by on October 11, 2017 in personal

 

Tags: , , , , , ,

Ain’t Skinny Love.

I looked at old blog posts trying to feel those words I used to write, but it didn’t trigger any response from my soul.  It is far most the strangest feeling I have felt for years – the dire need to write but no words can totally express what I really feel.  

It’s been a while since I sat quietly watching people live their lives. Few weeks ago I feel a little lonelier than the usual that eating alone makes me sad but today is a little bit different. I feel fine despite the gloomy weather and Ellie Goulding’s Your Song is consuming me inside. I guess I’m back to my old self except that I’m also pretty much bothered and amused of recent events in my life.  

The concept of skinny love has been in my system since that drunken moment of yesteryears and how I dread if it will happen again. It’s that kind of love that both parties care but just can’t find the courage to tell how much they love each other. It’s governed by fear of losing a beautiful friendship so you’ll stick to that read between the lines, think whatever you wanted to think kind of relationship. Sucks,  I  know.

I’m not good in detecting possible relationships unless of course they’ll tell me their intentions. Gone are those days when rainbows, unicorns and pixiedusts inspire me. I stopped assuming. I stopped believing. I stopped hoping that a prince will save me from my loneliness and show me that life’s too beautiful if shared with the one you love. I became too much of a realist and dealing with that side of myself is torture. I became Maleficent like, still cares for Aurora but won’t show signs of any vulnerability. Tears are for the weak. It destroyed all the tinge of positivity in my soul. It made me stone cold.  I was so dysfunctional with a strong belief that I’m not worth it all. I felt unloved and so undeserving of a pure heart. My mind is such a fucked up place so as my soul. 

I have this guy friend who recently told me that I’m being too hard towards myself. Sometimes ideas overflow when alcohol is dominating our system and that drunken conversation despite the blurry feels actually got stuck in my mind. Maybe I am not that bad.  Maybe I deserve to fall in love again and pretty much puzzled those broken pieces of my China heart.  Maybe… just maybe. Maybe this time I can straighten things out and start all over again. Maybe I started to care and that scares me for it can be a beginning of something else. Am I feeling something?  Yes.  There might be butterflies but it didn’t run amuck inside. It’s not even love. It’s something new and I can’t even define it. It’s there but it’s not where my life revolves. It’s there, it exists and I acknowledged it but what’s that feeling  then?

I don’t feel like dying today unlike those days when I wish loneliness was never a feeling people feel. It’s like a regular kind of day when I wish to fast forward it to my soon to be best days. I made stupid decisions — what else is new?  I wanted to save more money to fulfill my wants and probably it can buy me experience that will make me sort out my life. Bottom line, I’m still fucked up as of this writing despite the will to change my life course. 

I started to over think my reactions and tried to over think more of what’s going on. I started to panic when a friend told me that I’m so dense not to see that my closest friend right now is into me. I don’t believe it at first until I started to rehash everything from day one.  It’s not that easy as it seems especially if we’re talking about feelings.  It’s complicated because he’s in a relationship. I hate it when people suggest and you tend to think about it until confusion starts.  I  got confused I must admit but I went back to the time when I used to feel the magic. The stone cold heart I have started to warm up but all of the things I’m feeling is all new.  It’s not what I’ve felt before so it’s harder to define and it’s something I cannot explain. 

People come into our lives for a reason, some may go fast and some choose to imprint our souls. Maybe the recent things happened for me to feel a little bit more of a human being. I feel better, wiser and stronger. I may have been confused and partly swayed by the thoughts but I know for sure that I don’t deserve to be just anyone’s third party and that I too deserve to be happy in God’s perfect time.  All I need is to be honest on everything that I feel and instead of escaping, it would be better to face it no matter how painful the results can be. Life is all about perfect timing and I might need to ask for more patience to wait and just enjoy what I have as of the moment. 

And to that friend of mine who I love to tease, thanks for being one of the person whom I know will always have my back no matter what.  I’ll stick to what I said, I won’t be another skinny lover who’s afraid to tell the world of what she feels.  If that time comes you’ll be the first to know.  For now, I’m happy of our friendship and thanks for doing an extra mile of saving it when I’ve decided to not bother at all. 

Life comes with extra feels and sometimes you just let life be life and not expect too much because what’s meant to happen will happen whether we like it or not. 

Learn, always.  

Never stick to a skinny kind of love when you can put your heart on your sleeve and love fully. 

We all deserve love, in time. 

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on July 5, 2017 in personal

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,

An Open Letter to Digong Duterte

I am just a nobody, part of the many who threw a pity party knowing you won today.

My heart is breaking while I’m writing this and I know you don’t care about me and my rants because again I’m a nobody.

I have ranted on several posts telling the world that I’m not going to support you and your endeavors because I am such an asshole, a disengaged Filipino who will criticize and find your flaws. You are not my president and will never be. The majority may have rooted for you because they are fools believing that you are the change they’ve wanted to see when in fact the change we need should have started within ourselves. I don’t expect you to give a damn about my blog right now for this is solely written to express my thoughts because I got this freedom. You got a good strategist with an aim to make people see that there’s something fishy going on and that we need the change in order to progress. I am not a 100% fan of the recent administration but since I voted for Aquino last presidential election I stood by my president’s side and believed each word he said, I no longer question some discrepancies not because I don’t care but because I felt the progress especially that I started to engage in stocks investment. I see more of the positives than the negatives compared to GMA’s administration with more jobs and a growing BPO industry where I’m at right now.  I was confident of his leadership, the kind of leadership I imbibed — transformational. Our economy boosted and performed better for the past years as seen in the Philippine Stock Exchange index. I commend the recent administration for doing what is need to be done to ensure economic progress. I am thankful for the great things and let the bad be areas for improvement as we are still a work in progress.

I am closed-minded, principled and stubborn individual. My pride does not easily accept defeat but I’m not going to be a scumbag to this government. I am just  the reason why this country is not where it supposed to be because I won’t be engaged to support you on all your endeavors. Digong, I am just one and I apologize if I am not impressed by your works. My opinions don’t matter for you’ve got millions of people behind your back and should be there for you especially when you fail to be the change they all wanted to see. You’re a foul-mouthed, rugged and no class person. You may have the credentials but you don’t have the right to insult other people, ambassadors and even our Pope for christsake! You are playing God. Yes, you are executing your plans and reinforcing the law but justice ain’t served well during your reign as Davao’s mayor.

Let me enumerate my reasons why I didn’t vote for you:

1).  Human Rights?  You Don’t Care Much.

On a national scale, your will to enforce the law may not work as much as it is a huge success in your city. If you violated the law, you’ll enforced it right there because you  don’t care much about rights of crime suspects and other Constitution-guaranteed rights.

You support extrajudicial killings and summary executions which are actually unconstitutional. You also admitted on one of your interviews about being associated to the Davao Death Squad.  Oh well.

2).The Threat of Revolutionary Government

I fear that your association with the NPA may create havoc instead of unity. With your strong affiliation towards them, I can smell chaos. I am not into a government that threatens peace and order. I am praying that this won’t end to a bloody regime because people will then again fight for freedom. I will fight for freedom Digong, because I know I am a responsible citizen and I don’t want to be caged by rules that would portend my rights.

3). Womanizer

Enough said.

4).  Snide Remarks

You always get away with it by delivering it in a way that it sounded more of a joke. I am not buying it Mayor as I am a master of sarcasm as well. What I cannot take are your comments about the Pope, the ambassadors from Mexico, and a challenge imposed to cut ties with Australia and USA. Can you just think what you’re supposed to say first? Please.

5). Personal Biases

I admit that my choice was influenced by my own personal biases. I hate your posture, the way you carry yourself in public and your proud demeanor. A typical leader for me should be prim and proper, somewhat presentable to the public. You are the complete opposite but since your the president I got to live with it.

Mayor, I pray for our country today. I am frustrated with the turnout not because you won but Miriam Defensor Santiago didn’t even make it to the top 3. She is one overqualified president supposed to be, a president we never had and will never be.

I voted for Mar Roxas because he had the platform and good track record. Geez.

I am sorry for being such an a**hole who will not support your plans but I challenge you to prove me wrong. Enlighten me that your administration is the hope that this nation needs without sacrificing people’s rights and our democracy. I am not into Federalism anymore as much as I’ve wanted it years ago for a lot of reasons. I want you to be the leader your supporters hoped for. I’ll be here doing my part as a good citizen of this country and in your end do everything as president of this “dying nation” as what some are expecting.

Regardless of my closed mindedness, I concede. You are now our president, sucks but I need to embrace such change. Don’t be a disappointment to those who believes in your prowess. I challenge you to prove me wrong and to destroy my biases.

Prove me wrong Mayor, prove me wrong. God bless the Philippines!  God bless us all.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on May 11, 2016 in personal

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Simala Church: Wishes Do Come True

“Have you ever thought of someone like you’ve never thought of someone before?

During my recent trip, I decided to actually find myself and get connected on what my inner voice is saying.  I’ve been blinded for quite some time trying to push on some things that are not even working out and I’m talking not just about relationships but career as well. I’ve been out of tune for quite some time and still in search of life’s great meaning. So I went to Simala Church, one of the most miraculous churches in the country wherein most of those who believe got their wishes come true. I must say that I’m not really a devotee nor religious. I can describe myself as someone who believes in a Supreme Being but not a total fan of Christian traditions. I don’t even read all chapters in the bible. I just believe in God and in goodness to others. To cut the long story short, I decided to take my chances in Simala. I need divine intervention to sort my chaotic life. I know I needed this trip.

image

Last March 12, I flew to Cebu and rushed to the South Cebu Terminal to catch the bus going to Sibonga where Simala Shrine is located.  Fare costs at around P63 if I recall it perfectly for an air-conditioned bus. It’s a 2-hour and a half trip where I get the chance to use Google maps for the first time. I am a bit alarmed since the church is only open until 6pm and I was on the bus at 3pm due to heavy traffic from Mactan Airport to the bus terminal.

I am glad that I was able to arrived in the nick of time. Habal habals are available on the main road and they’ll be the ones to take you to the shrine for 20 pesos. It was a perfect time for me to contemplate especially that the shrine is so beautiful at dusk.

image

image

image

I lit my colored candles for a specific purpose and prayed.

image

I lit 5 candles because I know I needed it.

Black ( for souls ):  My uncle recently died during my mom’s birthday and I am surprised at the same time saddened of his death.  He is really funny and very nice to me. I love him so much.

image

I also prayed for my other uncle who died last November. I asked for forgiveness since I was not able to provide him all he wants. I am still starting to save up for my future and been into a lot of financial problems due to family matters that I need to resolve.

Green (prosperity ):  I wanted to be financially stable and start to work on my future. I know I needed this to provide my family’s wants.

Gold (health): I prayed for my mom’s health to be better as I want her to still see her future grandchild. I must admit I’m not into getting married as of the moment but I wanted my mom to at least be able to see me stable and raise a family I can call my own.

White ( Guidance ): My life seems to be pointing nowhere and until now I don’t know how to deal with it. I’m starting to give up and surrender the steering wheel to God for I am headed into damnation. It’s been like this for years already.

Red ( Love ) : Being single starts to be uncomfortable at this age. I’m starting to question my own worth, my personality and the likes. It’s exasperating to keep on thinking what I need to change in order to attract someone. I’ve keep on praying and wishing that someone will see me more than a friend but God keeps on denying those prayers. It’s been years full of false hopes but still nothing. I start asking myself why, why am I not worth the words?  Am I not good enough?  The belief I have on myself has been clouded with uncertainties. I questioned my being. I started to feel the blues plus the fear of growing up alone. I decided to surrender this time, to lay my hopes unto God’s feet and let him decide on what’s best for me. I prayed to find him, the one who’ll make me believe that it’s okay to love and be love.

image

It is one perfect view to indulge into while my thoughts drift into nothingness. Various thoughts were clouding my mind and I just let it happen, I let those thoughts overflow because I know it’s my needed break.

Travelling back to Cebu City made me feel fulfilled because I was able to go to Simala alone. It’s true that in order for us to connect we must disconnect for the mean time.

image

Travelling alone gives you the chance to know more about yourself, it makes you feel so independent and brave. It’s a tough act to follow and I want to experience it all over again. I never trusted myself that much for quite some time due to fear that I might get lost.

image

It’s a chaotic world we got here and I realized that I should slow down and feel all the adventures as well as my misadventures. I should be positive and trust God for he knows what is best for me.

For now, I give up. I’ll let him take the lead.

image

I never thought of someone as much as I’ve thought of someone right now. Is he the one?  I hope so.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on March 22, 2016 in personal, travel

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

On Loneliness.

I’m starting to hate being 26 haunted by questions I actually don’t know the answer.

It’s been a while since the last time I write because I choose not to for a thousand reasons you rather not hear but today seems to be different. I heard that voice within me urging my soul to spill my thoughts and uncover my emotions. I guess it’s about time to write what I feel and what I’ve been up to — AGAIN.

Living in a world full of hopes and despair, I must say I’m getting numb each day. I’m irritated if family members start to ask me when I’ll be getting married or when do I plan to have a family of my own given that my mom is getting older and weaker. I get so stressed if they keep on insisting about family life when I don’t even have a boyfriend. God probably gets tired of listening to my daily prayers about finding the one and I’m almost about to give up.

Friends would tell me that the principles I believed in are too old school for women nowadays. Some would tease me if I was born during dinosaurs time. Geez. I know I’m not a prude neither a slut. I think I’m normal but other people find me difficult to understand when it comes to love. I lost a potential lover because he was intimidated by my intelligence and achievements.  To quote him: “She seems to be on a pedestal, her standards are too high.” that was just too awful. I can be tactless sometimes but for people to think I got high standards seem to be too much, I’m not too shallow not to love someone just because I think he’s not good enough for me. That boy was actually any girl’s ideal guy because he is good looking, kind and too nice. He was the perfect guy that got away because I’m such an ass and he just got intimidated.

image

http://inspiring-pictures.com/post/137965184140/visit-inspiring-pictures-for-more-life-quotes

Anyways, I’m still single and about to get sick of people asking lame questions why I’m single, why not? 😒 I’m judged for being a reputation freak because all I care about is my reputation when in fact I don’t. I do whatever I want to do thanks for the confidence in myself that I earned each day. Acceptance indeed is the key to a better life.

I had embrace my solitude for I know life is just too short to waste on negative thoughts. I must admit I feel lonely because people expect you to settle down while I’m busy finding myself. I am still looking for a significant income rather than my significant other. I got diverse plans on my mind and settling down seems to be not a priority but having a boyfriend, perhaps.

There are days when I feel so empty. I know it’s been quite a while of being tough and carefree.  Contrary to what people see me, I’m a sucker of love from songs to poetry. I may find it uncool sometimes but having someone you can hug on a tough day is not bad. I long for that boy who will not just fill the void in my heart but someone who would actually complement me. He’ll make me feel the butterflies inside my stomach and inspire me to embrace my flaws each day. I don’t need someone to complete me for I’ve completed myself already.  He’ll smile upon hearing my scars for I’ve battled life victoriously. We’ll fight life’s battles, capture the world’s beauty and enjoy each other’s  company because together we’ll be great. I pray for that day, for me to find that boy who’ll cast all my fears away.

God knows how much I prayed. He knows how much I plead him for that someone. He knows when’s the right time for him to grant my wishes. I got plans but God’s plan is way better than mine. Who am I to doubt?

Again, I’m spending Monday in my room while my thoughts and emotions are overflowing. It’s that time of the year when I’m suffering from mental diarrhea — worst case.

Friends, don’t be sad of the choices you’ve made. People has all the words to say, they will judge you. You’ve got stained reputation and your character will be challenged but never fret especially if you know yourself. I came to an age wherein my past molded me into who I am today and I’ve proud of who I become. I’m proud that I’ve known myself too well and I feel complete today more than the other days of my life. No one can hurt me for I know my alphas and deltas. No one can try to destroy me for I made myself indestructible by criticisms. I know better today.

Loneliness haunt me sometimes especially on February but the feeling just passes by.  I get sad for I don’t have someone I can call on my own,  someone who’ll understand my madness and someone who’ll care for me as much as he loves himself. It’s a nasty feeling, toxic I must say but I know it will pass.  God has plans for me I should not rush.

I’ve let go of my feelings for someone close to me because I’m not the type who tells people how much I value them.  Years have gone so fast and he’s still the same.  I cannot continue to love someone who is lost. I need a complete man to complement the woman I become and I’m more than willing to wait.

I want someone who’ll tell me how much I impacted his life by my presence. I want someone who’ll tell me he’s happy that he met me. I am a woman who still believes that a man should make the first move (quite old school?  Yeah! ).

2015 was one hell of a year, a series of fortunate and unfortunate events. 2016, surprise me!  I’m so ready for you.

And here’s the soundtrack of my 2015…

https://open.spotify.com/track/6Vc5wAMmXdKIAM7WUoEb7N

It’s all over now for this year I have awaken. We’ll be just friends perhaps.

image

image

I felt the loneliness crashing on me when I decided to let go but it’s the best gift I gave myself. What we have was uncertain, no one is brave enough to ask how much we cared for each other. I guess we’ll just be friends. I just got confused. I was too blinded because of you and I let my chances of finding the right one slip away if I continue to believe that what we have we’ll turn into something great. Anyways, you’ll always be the best I never had. 🙂

All is well, cheers for my 2016.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on January 25, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Happy September 1st!

So I got to sort some of my issues and I am starting it right this September.

I should be happy since finally we are able to talk but I don’t get it still. I mean if someone who values friendship, why did it take him so long to reach out and fight for it? Oh yeah, it was me who tried to put closure on an issue that is not supposed to be an issue. If it was not because of me our friendship would really gone haywire without any apparent reason at all. It’s because I got a jerk friend who does not know how to deal with it. I’m still frustrated but I guess this is enough for me to realize a lot of things. I am still mad and I am trying not to be mad because he thinks it’s fix and I don’t want to be the villain in our beautiful friendship. I guess giving it another shot would be a better idea than cussing him from a far.

I should be happy because it’s fix! I mean, we are back to talking terms and that should really be great, right? C’mon! I am telling myself that this is another diary kind of moment but I refused to write about it. I refused to acknowledge the fact that we are already okay. I don’t know if he’ll be a jerk again one day telling me shits and then won’t talk to me all of a sudden. Trust — geez, you had me once but this time it’ll be different. I don’t know how to start over. I don’t know how we can rekindle those days again when I am already stained and I l know I am making a big deal out of it –really. I need to forget about what have happened. I want to forget but the problem is, I never forget things.

I guess I have changed. I mean it’s been liberating to finally speak my mind and just plainly be honest. I have been good for the past years and I tried to avoid conflict as much as possible but as we age we realized that life becomes too complicated if we sugarcoat things. Everyone deserves the truth… no more no less. It’s about being honest to ourselves and being mature enough to deal with things. I am shrugging off all the butterflies in my stomach, shrugging off my fairy tale endings, shrugging off my hopes, shrugging off my prayers, shrugging off my feelings until I see him as a man not a boy. I really want him to be a man, to be strong, to be full of conviction and to finally chase his dreams. Why is it so difficult? Why can’t he be a man? The frustration continues.

A friend told me, “what if instead of praying that he’ll be a man just help him in finding himself and in sorting his own issues in life? You are his friend in the first place. Just be there because he might need someone like you, flawed and lost just like him to survive his own demons.” — Lord… I got shallow problems I know but please lead me to the right path. 

Quoting some beautiful lines from one fellow blogger via : http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/06/a-soul-mate-is-a-mirror-we-accept-the-love-we-believe-we-deserve/

“Soul mates are mirrors to our souls. Whatever we attract is what we are putting out. When we look at the relationships we have chosen they are reflections of how we felt on the inside. Although their personalities may be very different to ours their words and actions play out and speak our deepest insecurities and fears. We allow them a place in our lives and for a time, we even believe their words.

“We accept the love we think we deserve.” ~ Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Until we wake up and recognise the truths about our selves. That we are all deserving of love. We are all a mixture of beautiful and broken. We are all an alchemical blend of darkness and light.

 

We do not need someone else to stand in front of us and tell us this. We do not need to play small in the world. We do not need to cower or dim our light or to be afraid to rise and demand our worth.

When we attract a soul mate that reflects our dark side, it is because there are things we still need to discover and accept about ourselves. They will show us where our weaknesses are, show us our faults, fears, insecurities, demons, imperfections and the relationship can be deeply painful and destructive. The light will constantly focus on areas that we need to work on and mostly the parts of us that need to heal.”

I actually do not know what step to take but I guess I’ll let it be… thy will be done.

Work makes me lose my mind.

My life is still revolving on shades of gray.

I have this feeling that I am about to have some of my prayers answered.

I want to start my BER months in a more positive note. Let’s do this!!!!

Note to self:

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on September 1, 2015 in 25, journal, life

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Another Sunday Morning.

Disclaimer: I wrote this yesterday after drinking beers and cure my hangover with a macchiatto. Alcohol and coffee is not a good combo.

Here you go…

 

It’s been a month since the last time I write in this blog. I’ve been fine so maybe that’s the reason why I no longer wrote those things that made me happy and sad. I usually write when I am depressed or so happy I cannot contain it to myself. My life seems to be drifting day by day still feeling lost not knowing what to really do with it. I know this has been my blabs for quite some time already and yes, I still have no definite solution on how I will fix my shits.

I got to read an article of one celebrity teenager who killed herself and another one who had a viral video. I then realized that most of us are like masks, we don’t know what’s really happening inside but stick to what we see. We don’t get to understand their struggles yet we judge them by the way they look or act. The society we are in is judgmental, enough said. I don’t worry much on what people may think of me as I got this mindset that whatever you think won’t actually define me. I am who I am. I got trust issues. I am full of shits and if you can’t help me solve my problem just don’t add up to it. My life is not messy compared to others but there are times when I feel like it’s already my end. Yes, I won’t deny the reality that I did once try to kill myself. I wanted to die. I wanted to kill myself after someone broke my heart. I wanted to die and be with dad in heaven. I wanted to die to spare myself from all the shits the world has to offer. I wanted to die because I thought I will not be able to survive. I just hate challenges because why do you always need to constantly prove yourself in this f*cking world. I got frustrations building up day by day and I kick those leeches that suck up my happiness. I wanted to escape home because it breaks me seeing my mom weakening day by day. I still don’t know what to do once she’s gone. I still don’t know what the future beholds and still here I am breathing in the possibilities of tomorrow. It sucks, FYI.

But I choose to live.

I am still here because I cannot take my life away. I hate depression because it eats us slowly. I hate seeing people battling depression and being succumb into the dark. It’s been a battle worth fighting and I am recovering. It’s been a year since the last time I am crippled by it but did survive. Only few knows what I’ve been up to during my darkest days. I am glad I was able to tell someone about my plans as he was able to stop me from actually doing it. I felt lonely. I felt that my career is going no where. I felt stupid in graduate school. I was actually saved by someone who battled depression victoriously. I still get up, go to work and put that damn smile in my face but inside I am broken. I am shattered because of my pride. I am broken because of my choices. I am frustrated because I know I did well and end up still a shit. I know I have been overthinking stuffs and keeping it all to myself because I hate being judge by some that I am a weakling. I know I am weak. I know I needed someone in my life so badly and the thought of being alone in my 30’s scare me. I still doubt myself despite my numerous achievements. I wanted to be busy because when I am alone that’s when my thoughts drown me. I wanted to drink and get wasted so I can just sleep right away. I am self-destructing for 2 years already, juggling everything at once pretending I am fine but I am not.

I am still lost on what I really want to do with my life.

I don’t even have a decent savings to be proud of.

Anyways, I still got some hope and faith though. Everyday, I do my own pep talk. I know God has a plan and everything will be fine just like why I did not pursue in ending my life. God always make way to me and I trust him. I just pray that he’ll lead me the way because I survived 25 years of existence with him by my side. I yelled at him once because he was so unfair to me only to realize that those times he never listened to my pleas was actually the time he went out to open new opportunities for me. Someday, someday… it’ll all make sense. I know it will just like my yesterday that totally made sense today. I don’t want depression to cloud my sunny side, I know I got issues within myself I need to fix but as time passes by I am confident that I will be able to find that elusive answer to my personal dilemmas.

As what I always say, “Life as we all know it”.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on July 13, 2015 in life, Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,