I stared blankly to empty spaces wondering why. A lot of questions wrapped my happy bubble and I got intoxicated by my own thoughts. I never thought I’ll feel it again, losing faith in life… questioning my existence with nothing to hold on to anymore. I drafted my supposed to be blog post days ago but I cannot just finished it.Words won’t come out and the feeling of hopelessness is slowly killing me.
I was so happy last week. I never felt so free but after my recent vacation reality hit me so hard. I lost my phone’s memory with all my pictures and files gone to tech heaven. I was devastated. I don’t want to rehash how intoxicated I am with the negativities and realities I kept on running away from. Suicide ideation flooded the remaining piece of hope I had — here I am again, thinking of ending everything.
This time I did tell several people, not to stop me from actually doing it but probably have someone I can argue to. People who’ll know how crazy I can be; People who’ll probably think I’m a psychopath for putting up with unnecessary dramas knowing that some people are actually in worst case than I am but no I want them to know that depression is real and I’m trying to escape it but it’s haunting me.
Last weekend I went out with friends and talked about it. They do understand my situation and would actually empathize.I didn’t feel any different after except of course that weird feeling of ripping yourself off to your friends who consider you as the life of the party. I am, I must say will always be but it’s just not that normal for me – to be seen crying hopelessly. It’s not normal to talk about depression and it’s not normal to share it with people but I did. I’m still not sure if I’ll be glad that I did.
Life still for me is a pointless journey. I still hate everything. I hate being smart. I hate loving people who can’t even see my worth. I hate my work because I need to cope up with people who tests my patience and can’t meet my expectations. I hate the world and all of its dramas. I simply hate it but what can I do about it?
Perhaps, change my perspective.
When I shared what I’m up to with my closest friends, they now looked at me in ways I never imagined them to be. I can sense that they’re sad because I’m actually thinking of dying when the world has a lot to offer for me.I don’t see any hope at all with regard to my situation and trying to be strong is not an option or a necessity. It’s just a memory.
Maybe you’re wondering why I’m still blabbing if I wanted to die already. Well probably because I don’t know how to end it in a sophisticated way rather than jumping off a building or overdose myself. I just don’t know how to do it even if I wanted it. That is a tough problem I need to surpass. Geez.
Going back to my life right now, I did something stupid. I booked myself to a tour package alone in Baler next month. My friend in Manila wants me to accompany him in Puerto Galera to unwind but I think it would be better for me to go alone. It gave me a certain thrill and I hold on to that excitement. Today I live because I know tomorrow has no guarantee but as long as I exist I can do something about it.
Life surely knows how to play its trick. I questioned God again to the point of being blasphemous. I cursed him again for being so unfair to me even if I’m faithful to him. I tried to be a better person but God, he made me suffer and test me. He asked me to wait and wait and now to the point of me giving up. I believed that things will change and people too but it became a huge disappointment. My indecisiveness frustrated me for I still cannot think of a better career. I no longer assumed or believed in everything. I lose faith in the things I do and lastly I lose faith in life and all its aspects.
I sat here watching people live their lives. I watched how people look at their children in awe. I looked at the guard waiting for his shift to end. I looked at the taxi driver waiting for a passenger. I looked at the laughing girl wondering what’s her story behind and how I used to look at myself — positive, idealistic and full of hope.
Maybe I should be a little less hopeful this time. I should stop over analyzing things and let life happen as it bound to be. I sat here with a little faith that my fate will change.I’ll probably expect the worst in life.I’ll expect that I’ll be alone and that nobody will be strong enough to tell me how I’m meant in his life. I’ll expect that nothing great will happen in my work life despite the effort I exert to it. What do I get right now? Frustrations. It is so difficult to live in this world with an expectation that it’s easy if people see things the way I see it. Pretty much a boring world if that’s the case — no challenge and purely happiness.
I recalled how my friend looked at me, a look of pity and how I hate that feeling. All of my life I’m programmed to be the alpha. I have an image to maintain but I ripped off my mask to people I trust aside from my best friend. They saw how vulnerable I can be yet accepted me. I feel a bit better but still bothered. They assured me that they’ll be there for me but I know that this battle is better off alone. I know I’m not strong but I know that this might be just a phase.
I would want to look at today in the nearby future with proud thoughts and realizations that my recent past needs to happen because it will make me better and that it’s just a prelude to a life I’ve been waiting. Whatever.blah.blah.blah. I should stop being too hopeful.
I don’t want to hope anymore but I can’t help it sometimes. Life’s a joke and the joke is currently on me.
Today, I rest my case.
Oh and lastly… in your eyes I found a tinge of hope; what we have is something that I can hold on to.
I just want something like this.
Good vibes. 🙂