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Day 3 of 365

Day 3 of 2015 and I’m still in chaos. I don’t know what to feel as of the moment. There are lots of things to do and I’m here in my room letting each seconds pass doing nothing.

I feel nothing.

I can only hear my mind rehashing conversations of how my relationship sucks and that I’m not worth those words. I’m not worthy of a risk in friendship, I’m not worthy of being his girlfriend, I’ll be just a forever friend after everything. Not that I’m asking for more or something…  Well I used to be fine, I mean I would admit I got this feelings already years before but I’m not actually bothered. I understand that it’s not easy to be in a relationship knowing a lot of risks are involved and he’s not even the typical guy. I also understand that I have priorities and that I have lots of issues to be fixed. His world is actually scary and I’m not sure if I can take it all in. Being single did bother me but my life didn’t focus on it until one day…  my friends and I went out, sort of a reunion after a year of not seeing each other. We talked about life, career and love. My singleness had been highlighted for the nth time and I did share my story to them. Most of them said that I should enjoy the feeling, no rush or whatsoever, just enjoy while my guy friend told me to stop. Years of being great friends without even a hint that he wants to level up what we have means he sees me just a friend. He told me that if he likes a girl whether it’s a friend or not you don’t just let go of the chance to be with her unless you’re unsure. If she’s worth the risk, you’ll risk even the friendship you built together so that you’ll not worry about the what ifs because you know that this person already accepted you for who you are because you’re best of friends.

I’ve been confused for the past few days. I asked myself if I’m not worthy at all. I’ve given too much of my time to him. He was my priority even if I won’t admit that. I will do anything for him and I realized how stupid I am to reserve myself for someone whose priorities may not include me at all. My heart is actually breaking right now because I feel so unworthy, that nobody would actually take the risk of saving me, of loving me and of caring for me. I am terribly tired of waiting and of being strong. I love myself, no doubt to that fact as I’ve survived too many trials still with optimism and vigor. It’s just frustrating to realized that nobody would take that risk to fix my broken pieces.

I know I’ve been too dramatic. I know this shouldn’t be a big deal. I know that with all of the things I’ve been through this is just a scratch… But still it hurts me significantly. It just hurts.

I have piles of stuffs to do while I wallow myself into depression. I’m wasting time, wasting energy and wasting my life into this reality. This is not my usual self. I’m in pain knowing that he’ll never see me as his significant other that maybe I’m just a younger sister to him, that maybe I’m just someone he’s comfortable with and that maybe…  Maybe I’m not that important at all when he’s important in my life.

He matters.

He’s my life.

It sucks to admit this but he gave me too much memories… you cannot just throw away moments, you cannot just forget all the years of being great buddies…  You just can’t. No matter how I tell myself to forget him, there’s this force that drive me back to where it all started. I can’t let him go. I can’t just forget. I can be stupid to pretend all is well just for me to spend coffee or lunch with him. It’s stupid, I know.

How will I survive this mess I’m in?

How?

A shout out to my favorite poet Tyler Knott Gregson for he already summed up what I feel…

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Posted by on January 3, 2015 in life, Life Blog, people, writing

 

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Can You Keep A Secret: This Ain’t A Review

I spent my Sunday reading Sophie Kinsella’s book “Can You Keep A Secret? “. I was in awe on how I am totally engrossed with it that I was able to finished it in a day. It’s not a life – changing, nerve – wracking and inspirational book, it’s just one entertaining piece of literature just perfect enough to waste my time because I feel so indifferent after having such an I – don’t – know kind of Saturday.

My Saturday sucks and I would admit I am so into the idea of drowning it away with beer or rum. Seriously, after eating rice bowl in Grill Guru, I had this crazy desire of being drunk because I have piles of miseries all waiting to be thrown away to nirvana but I choose to walk and did window shopping and spotting something to buy for the Christmas season. I had the worst score in my exam history. I now declare to the world how I hate accounting and how it depresses me. I hate how we learn accounting in graduate school wherein 80% is more on us reporting topics we are unsure about and 20% of it is our beloved teacher’s lecture which I must admit is understandable than my classmate’s boring blabs.

I guess my quest in finding myself is actually getting somewhere. I partly blame myself for my failure but I blame my accounting professor for being not a good professor. I know he’s smart and all those sorts but I just don’t find it sensible to have those students who are not even well versed to talk about accounting and expect them to effectively relay their understanding to their fellow students who has no background in accounting. For Chrissake!

Anyways, I am doomed. I already sulk into tears months back trying to figure out if I made the right decision of taking up MBA when I am a complete moron in accounting. Oh lord.

————- whatever —————

Honestly, there are lots of secrets I too keep. Just like Emma, I too have weird secrets.

1. I hate people who spells quiet as quite like cmon?! Can you guys differentiate one from the other?
2. I have secret feelings for my best pal and I don’t even know how to tell him but I believe it’ll die down soon because it’s been years and we’re not actually leveling up. It’s like yeah we care about each other, get drunk together, talk about stuffs then here I am staring into the nothingness — will this work out?  My blog posts actually revolves on him and I have a feeling he knows but glad that he pretends he’s not aware of it.
3. I actually want to confront his ex or not really his ex — whatever!  I want to be a bitch for once just like her.
4. I spy on some Facebook profiles to gather information like CIA — I pattern it quizzically. That was college.
5. My mind is actually a filthy place. I need to filter it out by using my mouth.
6. Coffee is my drug. It shoots me up…  ❤
7. I don’t do drugs. I drink a lot but I’m saying NO to drugs. It’s a promise, a principle I want to live by for the rest of my life.
8. I drink beer, rum, vodka and tequila. I keep some of the bottles in our CR where nobody can actually reached it. I actually want to try whiskey but it burns. Poor liver. I swear I’m going to change my bad habits. At least I don’t destroy my lungs.
9.  I hid myself in the closet several times when I was a kid and let my parents worry where I have been. At 5, I needed peace of mind — nah,  just want people to worry about me.
10. I hate when my mom misses the time or when she keeps on repeating things, saying it over and over again plus trying to make a conversation with no sense just for the sake of having a conversation. I know I’ve been indifferent lately but honestly I’m just scared and I don’t actually know how to deal with an aging parent. I just can’t take it. 11. How I mentally think of him and voila he finally texts me or calls me… I can’t help it, I feel so extremely giddy.
12. How I hate to be put in a very awkward situation like when I’m with guys and they start to talk about secret boy stuffs they do in the bathroom then they noticed me and then voila — awkward silence. I hate it but I always initiate to break the ice and change
the topic. Major hassle… 
13. When I don’t get those double meaning jargons … it actually frustrates me when I don’t get it. Sheeez!?!
14. I stupidly used a metal fork once to get that jammed bread in the toaster thus it electrocuted me.
15. I tried to revive a dead goldfish by resuscitation when I was in sixth grade.
16. I laughed out loud when watching horror movies especially if I’m with group of friends so as when watching love scenes.
17. I am actually horrified with the idea that he might have read my previous posts and finds out that I write about him. He might end our friendship.
18. If I find you stupid, nothing that you’ll say will matter. Whether you’re a senior, my boss or a stranger… I’ll do it my way, I don’t care what you say.
19. I hate the free coffee in our pantry, it gives me diarrhea.
20. I hate waiting. Seriously.
21. I broke my mom’s favorite Glen Miller CD and pretended that it was actually her fault she scratched it.
22. I’ve got this weird dreams about cars even though I don’t know how to drive. Yeah, someday soon I’ll buy one. Hard earned money — YES!
23. I despise people who works in a call center and promised myself not to work for one because it’s a no-brainer job but here I am almost 5 years in this industry. I really learned a lot but still I am not proud. Having a tough degree and working in a call center heightens my insecurities…  What have happened to my dreams? My plans?  My life? I am a team lead trainee with a jaded future though I’m working hard, emitting a positive demeanor, sleeping my beautiful weekends away, working on my Master’s degree yet feeling stupid in Accounting and engaging in self destructing acts that make me happy. Yeah. Welcome to my life.
24. Fudge.  I am actually getting crazier, thinking of settling down and raise a family of my own. For a person who hates commitment, it’s scary. I want my own happy ever after but yeah some bitch I mean witch might be laughing her ass out at me then post another Facebook status telling me that happy ever after does not exist in this world — maybe in mine but not in his world. I’m referring again to her ex or not really ex… Whatever who believes she’s Aurora awaken by a drunken kiss. Pathetic. I’m glad she’s busy in finding herself with God she won’t bother me anymore by her immature acts. I might lose her as a friend but I don’t really care. If she does not understand why bother?

Lastly, I’m battling depression. I don’t think I need medical attention yet because I have a feeling this will actually fade away. It’s this quarter life crisis thing. It’s when you realized that at 24 you’re going nowhere. I feel like shit. I have been an outstanding student. I never failed my parents. I never did anything stupid. My solution to this depressing situation I’m in is getting drunk or write. I also sulk in my room, listen to music and read magazines, self help books and indulge in social media. I am fully aware of my actions but life gets so frustrating I just need a breather and be with people who understands.

Nobody gets me I guess… Well not in a way I get myself of course. I’m lucky to have great sets of friends who knows how to deal with my craziness. I’m an ambivert – a mixture of an introvert and extrovert. I cherished solitude and be with people I can get along. There are times I feel like a total failure. There are times I don’t actually understand why things are bound to happen. There are times I want to confront him and ask him if he loves me because this guessing game usually makes me frustrated. I must admit I’m jealous when he’s with someone who’s eyes keep on sparkling when he talks. Jealousy — not good. Gawd, I’m imagining things and suddenly gets mad then suddenly lose my own gift of reason. I just hate it when the green-eyed monster takes over me.

I’m insane — or maybe I’m actually normal. Faith is all I need.

I don’t know.

I just hope I’ll found my own Jack Harper.

I hope I’ll finally get this mess I’m in straight.

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Via: http://Icanrelateto.com

I’ve got deadlines to beat and I’m actually hating the fact that I’ll be taking up managerial accounting next semester again. I hate dealing with 18 individuals whose personalities differ but I actually have to because I wanted to challenge myself and the company is paying me to do so. It’s actually draining me when they emit all the bad vibes in the world and I need to fuckibg absorb it. I hope they’ll feel that I’m doing everything I can for them and all I ask is cooperation. As much as I want to move mountains and let those ends meet, I cannot. Cmon… Not all the time it’ll go your way so I rather hear sighs of relief than complaints. If you keep on complaining — quit your job. We don’t need whiners. I too have issues but I won’t let it affect my life in the workplace. I know I need to brush my own personal shits and be the bigger person. I can definitely pull this act well… Must read more leadership articles and the likes.

I hate how things are actually going on with my life. I must be just stressed out or something. I hate the fact that I’m here blogging about how depressing things can be and how I hate those misspelled words that I see. I don’t actually know if someone might actually care after reading this or some random stranger might accused me of being the modern psychopath. I don’t actually know how to define what I feel. All I know is that I have deadlines and work deliverables to meet.

Oh God, help me out here. Can you just set aside some of my feelings?  Geez.

Now, this ain’t a review of a book I just recently read. It’s a blab about my awesome life at 24. Finally, after almost a month…  I had wrote something. I think I’m on a dry spell of some sort that no matter how hard I tried, I was not able to write but glad to be back on track.

And that’s how my weekend…

Oh my, Monday once again. Fudge.

 
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Posted by on October 13, 2014 in inspirational, journal, Life Blog, people

 

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Just Because It’s Sunday … 08.10.14

Good morning says the sun and I’m in my room getting drowned by Spotify’s hottest tracks and my thoughts wandering into Nirvana.

I had an amazing dream that surely fueled me the energy to survive this day. My subconscious is telling me that I’m happy whenever we’re together doing nothing but laughing at each other and that we are always looking for good food. We look for food even in dreams.

Anyways, it’s not the meat of the matter here. You see I haven’t wrote about my feelings since last week perhaps. I am thankful for the positive changes in my life because I know I’ve wanted this. I admit I’m scared, idk if I can pull this out well. I’ve said that it was indeed a challenge accepted but I’m afraid if I will emerged victorious in the end. Of course, I will (ahuh ). I don’t want to pressure myself at all. I just want to enjoy my new role and I want to make the best of graduate school. I want to succeed in both worlds that I am in and even bargained  God for a love life. My choices do not totally define me but I like my choices. I am determined enough to compel my life to its betterment. Only few knows my story and despite my positive demeanor lies some untold stories, some skeletons I hide just because… I trust only few people and only few knows my drama because truth be told, I prefer my life to be private. I hate explaining my life, this is my life – who cares right? It’s meant for people who would understand but never for those who judge.

I am thankful though for people who’ve accepted me for who I am. I recently told someone special about my life, my so called dysfunctional life only to realized that he too is facing a somewhat like battle. He accepted my story and even offered to help. I don’t know if I deserved such a beautiful soul but I know he was God given. I’ve thank God for him because unconsciously he helped me in closing some chapters of my life and live it as chill as possible. He’s my muse, the boy behind my posts… the boy I won’t get tired of loving and caring, the boy I want to spend the rest of my life with if God permits it. I’ve let go and let God decides what’s best. I don’t want to push it if it’s not meant to be. In God’s perfect time, I’ll be with my the one.

I still fear the word commitment though but slowly I am embracing its beauty and why it’s necessary.

Anyways, I’m blabbering again. The gist here is to just let things happen and never forced it. Trust his will no matter how tragic is happening in your life. I came from a point wherein being strong is the only choice I have and here I am right now, stained but better.

I remembered what have happened last summer. I feel shitty… at wits end kind of shit. I did my best in graduate school only to realized I will never  graduate with honors anymore because of an academic issue I never intended to. I’ve learned things the hardest way and I don’t understand still why I deserved its consequences. I will not rehashed what have happened because of course… ill thoughts are poison that can kill my positive cells. I don’t hold grudges because its toxic so I rather forgive but never forget.

What’s the point of all of this, you might wonder. Yesterday, I was on my way to our classroom when I saw last year’s dean’s list. I checked my name but I was not able to find it. I shrugged it off because of course I know that my chance for the coveted honors no longer exist. I was literally shocked though when I found my name under the president’s list.

Lamb, Sharon Carol S.

I felt something within me. Elephants running amuck in my tummy and a sudden hangover like feeling. Oh shit.

Oh shit, again.

I’m not part of the Dean’s list but the President’s list — the highest amongst all and only 5 of us made it.

I want to rejoice but tidal waves of memories and my bitterness of what have happened last summer is splashing my conscious mind. I shifted from being giddy to early stages of depression. People congratulating me seems to be just bees buzzing, I couldn’t hear them because my thoughts were too loud as it screams away from the haunt of memories.

I thought I’ve moved on but nope, I’m in deep shit still. I guess I still can never get away from that feeling. Oh well.

Being accused as a cheater won’t define me. I know my worth. I know myself. I guess I’ll see the beauty of where I am someday when everything is well and it will all then make sense.

Here I am, drowned again by my thoughts and my emotions. I have lots of things to whine about but I have thousands of things to thank God for. Let me still fill the world with good vibes even if I have issues to face. It’s part of growing up, you know.  🙂

Until my next crazy post…

 
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Posted by on August 10, 2014 in inspirational, journal, life, Life Blog, people

 

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Some Good Friday Thoughts

Dear God,

It’s been a week full of shits and things aren’t working my way. It’s been a series of mood swings that I mostly blame to my raging hormones, well I hope I was right.  Last Monday night, I felt sick because of my weekend escapade. I swam like I never swam before and had my own moment watching the sunrise at the sea wall. I spent my time thinking and enjoying the calmness of the sea despite the cloudy skies. Thank you for allowing me to go and for having a safe trip. You are indeed awesome. I’m beyond thankful. I know you know what I mean.

I also had the time of my life last Tuesday when I got wet due to the amazing rain showers we get in the height of the summer season in the Philippines. I look silly when I arrived at work but who cares right?  Oh well. Guess what, there’s more… my bestfriend at work invited me for lunch and since I have to take my meds before the flu virus take over, I really need to grab a bite only to find out that he’s busy playing damn monopoly as if I don’t effin exist so I gracefully walked out. Guess what, after all those shits, I was ousted in my station due to hot seating issues at work. I need to recover my files and pull it up on a different work station and later that day I got humiliated because the alarm of our defective door  sounded when I swiped my badge and people propped their heads in the conference room wondering what’s going on outside. Not my day I guess… bummer.

Okay God, I know you’ve witnessed it all and I’m sorry for ranting over again but I’m just plainly bitter. I guess everything that have happened recently simply triggered my dormant feelings with regard to all the bullshits (excuse me) that I feel in this world. I’m kinda tired of understanding, of being simply patient and passive. I too have feelings. I too have an opinion. I am a true believer that life isn’t fair and will never be and for you to survive you need to learn to be patient. It took me lots and lots of time to realize that and I ended up better, more optimistic and definitely lighter because I got rid of unnecessary emotional baggages and hang ups. Crap.

God, I pray for more patience and more time alone to sort out my emotions. It’s Good Friday and I want to reflect.

I’m just human, I get pissed. I know it’s crazy but I’ve been the one who understands all the time, someone who is easy to talk to but here’s the tough thing in this story or should I call it the bottomline of my post — I can no longer recall the moment I felt valued. It sucks you know. I guess I’m longing for that kind of relationship, that one day I’ll have someone who don’t just understand me but would make me feel valued. I pray for that moment wherein what I want will be prioritized. I want to feel special in ways I never imagined that can actually happen. God, I’m sorry if I sinned. I’m sorry for my sarcasm. Maybe I deserved to feel like this today. Thanks for reminding me that I don’t deserved a love that treats me like shit whether it was intentional or not. Thanks for all the realizations and for the everyday miracles. Thank you for simply being there when I need someone to rant, whine and talk to. Thanks for making me believe that life is still beautiful. You’re one of a kind and I hope other people will appreciate and value you as much as I value you, my God.  Thy will be done. Amen.

Love,

Carol  ❤

 
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Posted by on April 18, 2014 in journal, life, Life Blog, people

 

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12/07: Coffee

“As long as there was coffee in the world, how bad could things be?” – Cassandra Clare

Tonight, I decided to pamper myself. I was so frustrated or should I say I feel so dumb because I really have no freaking idea about our accounting case study. I feel so stupid. Oh well.

Anyways, life is short to be frustrated and I’m not the types who easily quits. I just want to rest today and enjoy the rest of my December 7.

I’m out with friends, sharing life stories over a cup coffee. I wish people will take time to reminisce the old times and catch up with good old friends.

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It has been a long night. I’m still chilling…

 
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Posted by on December 7, 2013 in life, people

 

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12/03: Being Alone

I stumbled upon an anonymous quote online few days ago which states “The best way to be happy with someone is to learn to be happy alone that way the company will be a matter of choice and not necessity.

This was so true that I reblogged the quote on my Instagram and Tumblr account.

Most people nowadays seem to be swooned with the idea that you need to have someone to take care of you and that being alone can sometimes be pathetic. I used to feel that way, I must admit.

It’s pathetic to eat alone because others may think that your date stood you up.
It’s pathetic to watch movies alone because who watch movies in cinemas alone? It’s scary and creepy sitting alone in the dark wherein any moment there’s someone who’ll just inject you something and you woke up the next day with HIV — one of the worst thing that can happen in a movie theatre. It’s pathetic to travel alone because people might think you’re heart broken and simply needs to wander alone to find yourself.

People can sometimes conform to what society thinks. Unfortunately, I’m not part of the majority.

For the past few years, I learned to love myself. I was a hopeless romantic behind my tough demeanor. I used to ask why I love someone who doesn’t love me back and why can’t I love those who love me. It’s been one hell of a depressing cycle. Oh well, it’s over now.

Today, I’ve never been happier and comfortable with myself. I realized that I am my own competition. I accepted my flaws and worked on my insecurities.

December 3 and I’m celebrating my life alone but definitely not lonely. I treated myself in a nearby hotel just because I want to. As what Paulo Coehlo said, “Do whatever you decide to do, but make sure that it makes you happy. ”

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Embrace your awesomeness my dear and learn to be a little bit nice to yourself. 

Much love,

Chillerspot ©

 
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Posted by on December 3, 2013 in journal, life, Life Blog, list, people, writing

 

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12/02: Yearning the Past

I guess I spent most of my time today either sleeping or reminiscing. Today will be another ordinary yesterday when tomorrow comes but I won’t let this moment pass.

I won’t let this day drift away. If only I record what’s on my mind right now, I will. It’s nice to go back during the times when you don’t worry anything. Those times when we’re still on diapers and does not even understand what responsibility and adulthood means. You don’t worry so much of getting old as well as your financial needs because someone is taking care of you. You have your parents caring for your needs and wants and all you need to do is cry when you’re hungry and smile — the one that melts people’s heart.

I’m currently 24 and I’m simply reminiscing how it is to be a child again. If only I can gather all those baby memories again, I’ll surely do.

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My life so far has been interesting. I like how the way things in the past made sense today. Life is beautiful if we train our minds to see the positives in every difficult situation.

29 more days before the year ends , let’s all be awesome!

Love,

Chillerspot ❤

 
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Posted by on December 2, 2013 in christmas, journal, life, Life Blog, list, people, writing

 

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