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Monthly Archives: August 2017

Outgrowing Yourself, Redefining Life

All of us probably wanted to live a little longer and enjoy this beautiful world but have you ever thought that it’s not actually how long you live but how you make most out of the life you have?

I always wonder what life has to offer me and I know for myself that money ain’t always my sole purpose of existing. It is not the material things that can actually complete me but I know for a fact that it is something inanimate. I seek for a deeper purpose most of the time and I see things differently compared to how others thread their daily lives. We are not born to just exist, we are born to LIVE. 

Today, I wanted to step back and reevaluate my life again after what I have been through this year; all the people I met and realizations that struck me during times that I didn’t actually expect it. I must say, it has been a year full of lessons that made me outgrow who I used to be and be someone I didn’t actually expect. My understanding of my own life became clearer and never have I been prouder to know that I didn’t cut my existence short just because I lose my faith. 

There are times in our lives that we totally do not understand why certain mishaps happen and times that test not just our faith but our totality as a human being. Heartbreaks and frustrations that shattered us to bits and made us experience rock bottom. The demons inside our head that crippled us and made us feel that no matter how we wanted to be better we are deemed to fail. We tried to stand up every time we fall, wiped those tears and even fought back several times than we imagined. Most of the time we continue to move forward, some escape their realities and get haunted later on while few quit life too soon. We have a lot of ways to cope up with what life has to offer but I guess the best way is deciding to outgrow ourselves and be in tune with our own being. 

I remembered Wil Dasovich’s video (click me ——-> Wil Dasovich  ) telling the world of his illness and how he still manages to be positive despite such bad news. I too thought about my own life and how well I lived it. What struck me the most are these questions “How satisfied are you with the way you flipped your life? Have you maximized your experience?” 

My answer? I am halfway there, perhaps.

A good friend once asked me if given a chance would I want to see the future for me to continue moving on with sheer positivity because you already had a glimpse of what is in store for you in the future? Without any doubt I said NO. Tempting as it may be, provided that life will give me a genie that grants wishes such as such I still do not want to see my future. The journey is not as beautiful as it supposed to be if that is the case. I know how I have been ranting too much or even questioning my own existence from my previous blog posts but in my heart I know that there’s a bigger reason behind everything. Every battle is meaningful even if it took me almost a decade or whatever number of years, months, weeks and days to understand. Life has its own way to uncover its meaning and sometimes we realized it late or even unexpectedly. We tend to be too impatient, we demanded too much for answers and even wanted to defy time. We know that no matter how we try to change our own path, our destiny will unravel in its own season and it is for us to fully understand why certain things need to happen for us to appreciate our life a little more.

I wanted to max out my life before life screams time’s up bitch! I wanted others to be better too and not dwell on the negativities. We need to accentuate the positive most of the time because staying sad and depressed will just not make us better. For the nth time, never have I ever wanted to outgrow myself as much as I have wanted it now.

Here are some instances that hinder us to be our better version:

  • We stick to what is convenient and practical even if it kills us inside. 
  • We focus more on our insecurities rather than our strengths.
  • We justify our vices because we say life is too short and ended up being unhealthy and sick later on. 
  • We are so into our social media accounts and it make us feel envious of other people’s lives. Classic feels. 
  • We live the dreams our parents wanted for us and lose our own identity in the process. 
  • We cannot be ourselves because we fear that society might judge us, we usually tend to conform. 
  • We try to stay in a crappy relationship because of the number of years you’ve been together without even realizing that instead of growing together you are already growing apart. 
  • We force ourselves to be someone in order to prove those who’ve hurt us that we are actually better only to end up being too frustrated because we are doing it to boost our pride but will still make us feel empty in the end.  
  • We focus too much in our future not experiencing what today has to offer.
  • We choose not to be happy because we think that we do not deserve it. It can be an event, things we wanted or even a person to love. 
  • We sulk into miseries instead of looking at the bigger picture.
  • We blame others or circumstances why we are unsatisfied with our life or why we are where we are right now. 
  • We pretend that we are fine because it is the image that we project to others. They think you got it all figured out.
  • We choose to be in the safer side of the spectrum and not taking any risk because of fear and the odds might not be in our favor.
  • We enter into a relationship because we are lonely and worst, sometimes we are fine being just the third party because we feel that we are loved and it feeds our satisfaction. Only to know later on that you hindered yourself from people that can actually make you their priority. 
  • We have a couple of hang ups that keep on haunting us as years go by. It would be best to face it rather than run from it.
  • We keep ourselves too busy and preoccupied because reality bites but actually we forgot about the little things — a smile from an innocent kid,a beautiful sunset, morning dew drops, breathing and a chance each day to be the person we wanted to be. 
  • We predetermined our future and tried to wire our minds to it without even realizing that life has its own way to surprise us. 
  • We do not have an abundant mindset.

The list is actually limited because there are thousands of reasons that made us chase pavements instead of exploring our sole existence as human beings and that is again to grow as time passes by or maybe towards a bigger purpose not yet defined. 

Purpose, here we go again. Some people already got their lives figured out while some is still in the process. My existence revolves in knowing what will fill the void that I feel inside of me. I am calming my own storms as years pass by. I know that when I look in the mirror I saw someone who is willing to leave everything behind and live the life she wanted. I got gazillions of plans and I only have a limited time. While I am young and strong, I will keep on choosing whatever will make me happy. Life is too short to drink a crappy wine, listen to a crappy song, eating a crappy food, being in The crappy relationship, hanging out with crappy people who drains your energy and be in your crappy comfort zone. 

Live and be an inspiration.

Live and believe.

Live and love. 

Choose what makes you happy. Choose whoever makes you happy. Let go of people you love so much even if it hurts especially if you no longer see a better future with them. The toughest thing I did is to finally let go of everything I hold on to for the past years to make room for something better. I am a bigger person now by choosing my battles wisely. I am closing one chapter of my life and is starting to redefine it.To quote Wil Dasovich: “As you age, you will come to a realization that you will be disappointed with the things you didn’t do than the things you did do.”

Indeed, it is not the years in your life but the life in your years.

Every day can be a brand new start for all of us. It’s about time.

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Posted by on August 27, 2017 in personal

 

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People Like Us.

My heart is a bit heavy while trying to conceptualize this blog post. I guess loneliness really kills. 

I watched a Ted Talk episode about what makes a good life and it scares me how my future would look like. I am afraid of growing up alone.

What Makes A Good Life? Ted Talk Video Link

There are days when I try to forget the loneliness I feel because I have a lot of stuff to do and being sad is not something I need to dwell on. It can be because of hormones or maybe because I am unproductive today. I still kept my motivating blog post in the draft section because I got no energy to finish it. Today seems to be another day to sulk in misery. 

I keep on looking at the ceiling trying to understand what is actually wrong with me. Sometimes I wish I got siblings so that I won’t be pressured to have a family of my own. Sometimes I wish I am a different person. Sometimes I ask God if this is the kind of life I am destined to live. Sometimes pushing away people make me filter out who really are worth keeping. One thing is constant in my life, emptiness.

All the awards, the people I met and the lessons I learned can sometimes be so refreshing and motivating. I have been the alpha. I have been independent, strong and patient. I was able to stand up everytime I reach the pit. I fought my demons. I am alive but everyday the emptiness I feel bothers me. A good life is not about having lots of money. It is not even success and fame. It is about the quality of relationships we have — our friends, family and the love of our lives. I wonder how it feels, I wonder how love can change the way we all feel. I wonder how much love I can give and just the thought of it made me burst in tears. 

I loved too much before. I loved so heavily that it broke me into pieces. I love stupidly. I loved unworthy people. I love people who cannot love me back. I love broken boys. I love those who love others. I still continue to love and not expect anything in return. I believe that loving people makes us happy. I believe giving a piece of me to others and inspire them to be better would fill up those empty spaces. It did, btw. 

Recently, I realized that I should not stop loving. I should continue to hold my heart and share it to people. I should offer it and if they would not take it I should not feel sad. Rejection should not be a terrible feeling. If they would not accept my heart then they lose that opportunity to be love by someone capable of loving beyond what one can expect. I kept on holding and offering but life seems to test my perseverance. 

I do not understand why people like us remain to be single. I talked to a lot of amazing single girls this past few weeks most are my friends whom I know are really the marrying type. I am pretty much interested to study about singlehood and its causes. I have no idea why these people who deserves to be happy and raise family struggle to find a man. I mean I know I do not deserve to be single for the rest of my lives so as my friends. I hate how depression suddenly eat their happiness because they feel that they would not find a man who would take care of them. I cannot find the right words to make them feel better so we laugh it off. I mean what do they get from someone like me who wants to die before 50 if I do not have a family of my own. I too am a fucked up.

I have no idea why I am feeling shitty most of the time whenever I remember that I am approaching my 30s alone. I hope someday I will look back today as part of the process. I should feel all the pain today to be better. I wish people like me will find their happiness soon.

 
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Posted by on August 15, 2017 in personal

 

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Dear Future Love

Sometimes I wonder how it feels to love and be love in return. I decided to write my future love a letter as I start to daydream my future lovelife. This idea is actually no longer original because you get to see some letters like these in the internet. Oh well. Without further ado, here’s my version of it.

Dear Future Love,

How are you? 

I do not know if I met you already or our meetup is yet to be but I want you to know that I am longing to meet you. I am so eager to know who this guy will be. Despite of me being too negative on love, I would admit that I still long for a happy ending. I hope you will understand me for being such a cold hearted person and too guarded, it is not because I am mean, strong and ruthless but it is because I have given my all to people who did not bother to love me as much as I love them. I need to protect myself.

I hope you are different.

I hope you will get to know me more and not settle on what you are seeing. I assure you I am more than that. I am not intimidating. I am not serious. I am definitely crazy. I hope you won’t go away after seeing me in my depressed state because you cannot handle an emotional woman. I hope you will see me more than the image I project. I am not strong and independent all the time. I want someone to take care of me when I start to get tired of my life. I am also vulnerable. I just need to guard myself from the wrong people and I hope you won’t give up after we first meet. I have been through a lot of emotional rollercoaster rides and I cannot afford to be broken anymore. 

I hope during my dark days, you will hold my hand and tell me that we will both fight my demons. You will listen to all of my whines and bear my closed mindedness during this time. You will let me have my own personal space when I need more time alone because people like me needs space once in a while. I need to go somewhere alone to refresh my mind and to feel that I am alive. If you like to travel, we can go to beautiful places and create great memories. If you are not outgoing, then we can read books on rainy afternoons while sipping chamomile tea and smiling at each other across the sofa. I can be the best of both worlds, my love. Perks of being an ambivert. 

You should not be perfect. I do not require you to be handsome despite my inner desire to have beautiful children. I only require you to be patient and open. I want you to share your thoughts. I want you to tell me everything that bothers you. I want to be with you in everything because a relationship is not about who is the better partner, it is about outgrowing your fears and insecurities together. It is about complementing and bringing the best out of each other. Relationship without growth is pointless, it should be a never ending learning process and self discovery. It is about having someone who will inspire you to live because life with him is worth living. You are worth living future love. I will live today because I am too excited to realize everything written here with you. I am dying to meet you. I am dying for God’s perfect timing. I hope we will realize it too soon.

I do not know who you are, what your job is and your background right now but I hope I will fall for your mind.  I am always attracted to people who are smart, humble and kind. I do not know how we will start our relationship but I hope it will be magical. All my life I wanted to give myself to someone who actually understands me and I hope I will know that you are the one. Butterflies. You give me butterflies… tons and tons of butterflies inside my stomach. 

There will be arguments once in a while but I hope it won’t last for days. I promise to lower my pride and weigh everything. I will apologize if I get to hurt you. I want us to meet halfway all the time especially in making decisions. It needs to be beneficial for both of us and if not then it should be the lesser evil. I want us to be partners in everything. In our relationship, communication is essential.

I do not know if you are fat or not but since I wanted to be healthy this time, I hope to walk or jog with you. I want us to watch sunrises together while I might be dragging you to stand up because you are too exhausted to move or maybe I will be catching up my breath because damn you run so fast. I hope those little things will keep us together. I hope you will look forward each day to see me because we will be doing something fun. Our relationship should be full of laughters and banters. We should stop the social media fuzz because we hate to feed people something or if you are the type who likes to post a lot then probably I should live with it but please no PDA on Facebook. So uncool.

I want our relationship to be intimate and private. I want us to make our relationship work. I still do not know if I will end up marrying you but I really hope so. I am the type of woman who’s in for a lifetime commitment. I won’t force you to marry me but I hope we will see the value of what we have right now and we will decide someday if we are ready to the next level. Let us talk things out. 

You see I am also not the intimate kind of girl. I am pretty much awkward on a lot of things. I have no idea if our first kiss will be romantic as I can already foresee that it might be funny or awkward. If you are the experienced one then guide me through because everything will be new to me but if you are not, good luck to us. I do not know if I am also ready to give my all to you but I hope you will understand if I say no. It is not because of you, it might be because I am just too scared. I do not know but I hope you will help me out and I really hope there are no alcoholic drinks involved. Good luck to us, again. I hope it will be memorable each time we do it but I hope too that our relationship is not governed by lust but by respect towards each other. It might be too ideal but I hope to get married first before I give you my all. 

I do not know if you like works of art and poetry but if you do I hope we can write together. If not, I hope you will watch me with sheer fascination as I write while you sip your coffee. I hope you will not judge my works and grammar slips instead correct me and share your ideas. With you my love, I will listen intently to whatever advice you have. 

I hope to meet you soon. I want to caress your head whenever you feel the tension. I want to hold your hands too tight when you are nervous and tell you that everything will be alright. I want to exchange glances if we see something odd or funny and then smile. I hope we keep on reading each other’s minds. I hope you will sneak from behind and hug me very tight. I hope you will continue to give me the hope I need to continue living because life with you is so much better. I hope what we have will last forever.

Future love, I wish I will be able to marry you and if not I hope we will end up as friends. If we will end up together I want you to know this too… My life changed when I met you because you made me believe again. You made me alive. Before I met you love wrecked me several times but you changed it all. You told me that I am the best gift God gave you and you are the answered prayer I kept on praying for years. Now that I have you, I won’t let you go anymore because when I said yes to this relationship I bid goodbye to my old self and started to embrace my better version because it is shared with you.

God should also be the center of our relationship. Let us trust him more and be grateful that our paths crossed in God’s perfect time. 

I love you my future love. I love you so much.


XOXO,

Carol 😍



 
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Posted by on August 6, 2017 in personal

 

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