RSS

Monthly Archives: September 2014

Express Thoughts.

Coffee.

I just can’t figure out how this cup can make my mind flooded by thoughts. Earlier today, I found myself in a room that made me awe. It’s this dream I have back then, it’s this dream that make me feel enormous if I pursue it and it’s the same dream I’ve let go for years already. The courtroom always give me that sense of belonging I never have ever felt in my existence. It’s like blogging too, I can feel the rush of passion running in my veins and slowing my heartbeat. It’s that moment when you know you’re in the right path.

But not all dreams come true…

I don’t want to be a lawyer anymore just because I want my life less complicated. I want a life full of adventures, excitement and fun but never a life spent mostly in books, analyzing and interpreting facts as well as defending those who needs your brains. Oh well.

I’m not quite sure why I’m blabbing this right now. I feel like blogging after a cup of Joe I intake before my shift starts.

Advertisements
 
Leave a comment

Posted by on September 15, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , ,

What If?

image

Pic from: http://www.bustle.com/articles/36391-17-of-the-most-romantic-if-i-stay-quotes-we-need-to-see-in-the-film/image/36391

While watching If I Stay, I felt my heart being squeezed multiple times. I am sad on what have happened to the almost perfect family. Rarely can we find a family who’s so cool and chill, rarely can we find a complete family living happily in this modern world and rarely can we find a family who goes out for road trips just to have quality time together. No matter how beautiful things can be in this world shit really do happens, all of a sudden we find our lives twisted by fate. Everything becomes too different and we have no other choice but to accept no matter how great or painful that change can be.

We are all victims of fate, of chances, of choices, of circumstances…

I understood all that in my head, but I still didn’t believe it in my heart.”
Gayle Forman, If I Stay

Random thoughts flooding my mind as I watched the movie, what if one day it’ll also happen to me? What if I encountered an accident that will change my life?  What if I won’t survive?  Who will make me stay when I already lose the people I value the most — my family?

“Losing me will hurt; it will be the kind of pain that won’t feel real at first, and when it does, it will take her (his) breath away.
Gayle Forman, If I Stay

Then I remembered you, the Adam of my life.

image
http://ilariatrinca.tumblr.com/post/97427896011/if-you-live-or-if-you-die-its-all-up-to-you

I then asked myself, what will be your life without me in it?  Will you lock yourself again in your room and be alone for weeks? Will you sing me a song on my deathbed? Will you bring me tequila while I’m struggling between staying or leaving this world full of giant bull craps?  I’m imagining you without me in it. Damn, that’s so terrible. Aha, no crazy friend you can spend an hour with, no one to argue with, no one to share work secrets and frustrations… no Shao in your world anymore.

I won’t deny to this but I’ve wanted to die multiple times already especially during my darkest days. I wanted to be with Dad, to be able to find comfort in his arms again and to finally find peace but I guess despite my longing to my father I still have reasons to live. I still want to live in this big fat gigantic stinking messy chaotic world. I still want to live because it’s beautiful to live and it’s more beautiful to live if you know you’re living for others. I want to live my life partly for my dreams and for you because I’m happy whenever I’m with you. Life’s less stressful, less daunting.

image
http://ilariatrinca.tumblr.com/post/97427896011/if-you-live-or-if-you-die-its-all-up-to-you

I found this beautiful poem online that summarizes what I feel about someone while I’m working on this post.

A Pretty Sight

You said you weren’t that much of a pretty sight
I’ll tell you now
How wrong you were
And how I am right.

The pretty light that shines
In your eyes when you look up
Exceeds the sun a thousand times
And warms my heart, you buttercup.

The profoundness of your smile
Scares me to the bone
Because it’s all I want and need
And deprivation makes loneliness known. 

Your hands make you a wizard
For they draw my heart so near
And to love you is to lose you
Is now my one spell of fear. 

Pretty is so wrong a word
For a person whose heart is undeterred
Who owns the swift grace of a hummingbird. 

You said you weren’t that much of a pretty sight
I’ll tell you now
How wrong you were
And how I am right. 

You’re no pretty sight to me
For beauty, that is all I see.

Anonymous

Because in this lifetime, we’ll find that one person that will make us live no matter what. I guess I’ve found mine.

(“3 Little Things by Jason Mraz is on the background as I write this blog post ❤❤❤)

image

Got the pic from: http://www.bustle.com/articles/36391-17-of-the-most-romantic-if-i-stay-quotes-we-need-to-see-in-the-film

“Sometimes you make choices in life and sometimes choices make you.”
Gayle Forman, If I Stay

I always say that I like my choices and wherever I am right now, I thank God for guiding me all the way.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on September 14, 2014 in life

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Sort of.

image

It has always been that way… I guess I have this unwritten mission of saving people, of making life a hell lot better and livable but not all the time though you reap what you sow. I cannot just sit there pretending I’m actually fine when I’m not — I know I’m not. I feel like a bomb wanting to explode. I cannot remember the last time I’ve stood up for what I think is right without going ballistic. I am a universe full of secrets. I know my hot buttons and yes I’m on the verge of losing it all for no logical reason. I just feel it.

I’ve realized that all this time my life revolves too much on others, of constantly understanding, of believing that life is full of good things and I’ll be setting the difference — the change the world wanted to see as per Mahatma Gandhi.

I’m just human.

I cared too much. I loved too much. I tried to fix broken parts of people and I’m lured to that nonsense. I fell for someone who does not even know how to figure his life and here I am playing dice with the Gods pushing my luck to a love with no guarantee. I’m not saying that he’s not good because he is, he’s even a great friend but he’s just not that into all those commitment shit. It’s so hard to figure him out, even harder to define what we have because it has always been his trend.

He does not commit.

When I found out that I’m actually reconsidering lots of things as I approach my quarter life dilemmas, the thought of spending my life with someone like him is equally amazing and at the same time daunting. The waiting part is so draining I can no longer figure it out. Who am I into your life? A question I always ask myself and I always get the same painful answer from the deepest recesses of my brain — FRIENDS.

Today, I felt so drained out. I feel nothing as I gazed into your eyes. It’s like giving up but still hoping things will changed. I wish you can still change and make me believe that I’m special, that you can never live normally anymore because I already made a mark in your life. I want you to feel how different your world without me in it. I tried to somehow define what we have hoping you’ll step up and treat me like nobody else. You came unexpectedly in my life and knowing how I cope with pain, I can shut you out of it. Friendship levels suck, I have lots of guy friends I can banter and taunt with. You — you changed me, my maturity levels to the point of me facing the hauntings of my past hoping that what we have can be something quite different, my own leap of faith to a world I never intended to go back to.

I’m tired.

I’m tired of constantly deciphering circumstances, of thinking why you waste your time texting me and why I also find myself replying to your random texts, of figuring out why we spend our lunches together talking about mundane stuffs, of spending random weekend nights drinking and raving like there’s no tomorrow, of sharing our own skeletons and demons without any fear of being judge. Now, tell me who am I not to fall for your attention?

You know how I hate being vulnerable. I am egocentric, a trait I am constantly battling with but a trait that made me a winner. I fight so hard, drain out my energy into something I truly believed in. I guess not all battle is worth fighting just like the battle between my mind and my feelings. I just can’t take this anymore because I’m supposed to be more than this. I deserved a man who would blatantly tell me that he can’t live without me and not someone who would like to play the guessing game until you don’t know when. It’s frustrating, devastating and depressing to give up right now especially that I have too much pressure at work and at school. I don’t actually know where to place myself in my chaotic world and all I asked for is a little redemption from the most special person in my life but he is not willing to save me.

image

I’ve been too indulge by the thoughts of you that I’m missing a lot in my life. Those things we could have explored together… whatever. I’m just too busy holding on to my feelings without even realizing that letting you go would give me the chance to find a man who would actually love me and without any hesitations tell me that I’m his world. I spent my nights and days blogging about my feelings to the point that your past judge me of believing that happy ever after exist. It does not exist!  *** breaks glass

This is quite a long post, of emotions being stirred by pressure, stress and lack of sleep. I don’t know if I’ll regret whatever I blogged when I wake up later on. These are my emotions  and I cannot find the best outlet to vent it all out. I wanted to scream. All I wanted is for you to take time but it seems that my opinion no longer matters and my company became too ordinary. It’s fine.

I’m fine.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on September 3, 2014 in inspirational, journal, life, Life Blog

 

Tags: , , ,