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Dear Future Love

Sometimes I wonder how it feels to love and be love in return. I decided to write my future love a letter as I start to daydream my future lovelife. This idea is actually no longer original because you get to see some letters like these in the internet. Oh well. Without further ado, here’s my version of it.

Dear Future Love,

How are you? 

I do not know if I met you already or our meetup is yet to be but I want you to know that I am longing to meet you. I am so eager to know who this guy will be. Despite of me being too negative on love, I would admit that I still long for a happy ending. I hope you will understand me for being such a cold hearted person and too guarded, it is not because I am mean, strong and ruthless but it is because I have given my all to people who did not bother to love me as much as I love them. I need to protect myself.

I hope you are different.

I hope you will get to know me more and not settle on what you are seeing. I assure you I am more than that. I am not intimidating. I am not serious. I am definitely crazy. I hope you won’t go away after seeing me in my depressed state because you cannot handle an emotional woman. I hope you will see me more than the image I project. I am not strong and independent all the time. I want someone to take care of me when I start to get tired of my life. I am also vulnerable. I just need to guard myself from the wrong people and I hope you won’t give up after we first meet. I have been through a lot of emotional rollercoaster rides and I cannot afford to be broken anymore. 

I hope during my dark days, you will hold my hand and tell me that we will both fight my demons. You will listen to all of my whines and bear my closed mindedness during this time. You will let me have my own personal space when I need more time alone because people like me needs space once in a while. I need to go somewhere alone to refresh my mind and to feel that I am alive. If you like to travel, we can go to beautiful places and create great memories. If you are not outgoing, then we can read books on rainy afternoons while sipping chamomile tea and smiling at each other across the sofa. I can be the best of both worlds, my love. Perks of being an ambivert. 

You should not be perfect. I do not require you to be handsome despite my inner desire to have beautiful children. I only require you to be patient and open. I want you to share your thoughts. I want you to tell me everything that bothers you. I want to be with you in everything because a relationship is not about who is the better partner, it is about outgrowing your fears and insecurities together. It is about complementing and bringing the best out of each other. Relationship without growth is pointless, it should be a never ending learning process and self discovery. It is about having someone who will inspire you to live because life with him is worth living. You are worth living future love. I will live today because I am too excited to realize everything written here with you. I am dying to meet you. I am dying for God’s perfect timing. I hope we will realize it too soon.

I do not know who you are, what your job is and your background right now but I hope I will fall for your mind.  I am always attracted to people who are smart, humble and kind. I do not know how we will start our relationship but I hope it will be magical. All my life I wanted to give myself to someone who actually understands me and I hope I will know that you are the one. Butterflies. You give me butterflies… tons and tons of butterflies inside my stomach. 

There will be arguments once in a while but I hope it won’t last for days. I promise to lower my pride and weigh everything. I will apologize if I get to hurt you. I want us to meet halfway all the time especially in making decisions. It needs to be beneficial for both of us and if not then it should be the lesser evil. I want us to be partners in everything. In our relationship, communication is essential.

I do not know if you are fat or not but since I wanted to be healthy this time, I hope to walk or jog with you. I want us to watch sunrises together while I might be dragging you to stand up because you are too exhausted to move or maybe I will be catching up my breath because damn you run so fast. I hope those little things will keep us together. I hope you will look forward each day to see me because we will be doing something fun. Our relationship should be full of laughters and banters. We should stop the social media fuzz because we hate to feed people something or if you are the type who likes to post a lot then probably I should live with it but please no PDA on Facebook. So uncool.

I want our relationship to be intimate and private. I want us to make our relationship work. I still do not know if I will end up marrying you but I really hope so. I am the type of woman who’s in for a lifetime commitment. I won’t force you to marry me but I hope we will see the value of what we have right now and we will decide someday if we are ready to the next level. Let us talk things out. 

You see I am also not the intimate kind of girl. I am pretty much awkward on a lot of things. I have no idea if our first kiss will be romantic as I can already foresee that it might be funny or awkward. If you are the experienced one then guide me through because everything will be new to me but if you are not, good luck to us. I do not know if I am also ready to give my all to you but I hope you will understand if I say no. It is not because of you, it might be because I am just too scared. I do not know but I hope you will help me out and I really hope there are no alcoholic drinks involved. Good luck to us, again. I hope it will be memorable each time we do it but I hope too that our relationship is not governed by lust but by respect towards each other. It might be too ideal but I hope to get married first before I give you my all. 

I do not know if you like works of art and poetry but if you do I hope we can write together. If not, I hope you will watch me with sheer fascination as I write while you sip your coffee. I hope you will not judge my works and grammar slips instead correct me and share your ideas. With you my love, I will listen intently to whatever advice you have. 

I hope to meet you soon. I want to caress your head whenever you feel the tension. I want to hold your hands too tight when you are nervous and tell you that everything will be alright. I want to exchange glances if we see something odd or funny and then smile. I hope we keep on reading each other’s minds. I hope you will sneak from behind and hug me very tight. I hope you will continue to give me the hope I need to continue living because life with you is so much better. I hope what we have will last forever.

Future love, I wish I will be able to marry you and if not I hope we will end up as friends. If we will end up together I want you to know this too… My life changed when I met you because you made me believe again. You made me alive. Before I met you love wrecked me several times but you changed it all. You told me that I am the best gift God gave you and you are the answered prayer I kept on praying for years. Now that I have you, I won’t let you go anymore because when I said yes to this relationship I bid goodbye to my old self and started to embrace my better version because it is shared with you.

God should also be the center of our relationship. Let us trust him more and be grateful that our paths crossed in God’s perfect time. 

I love you my future love. I love you so much.


XOXO,

Carol ๐Ÿ˜



 
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Posted by on August 6, 2017 in personal

 

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Unseen. Untold. Uncovered.

โ€‹Linkin Park

What goes in your mind when you hear the band name? Numb? In the end? Leave out all the rest? What I’ve Done? Depression? Suicide? A lot of great songs that made my high school to college life saner. Finally a band that sang my life anthems. They sang my thoughts and cradled my demons to sleep. I love most of their songs especially the non electro rock ones. 

They remind me of what I exactly feel and see — darkness. 

Source: Chester Charles Bennington ( March 20, 1976 – July 20, 2017 ) 

It’s in the news and social media recently that Chester Bennington their lead vocalist died because of suicide. Another warrior who chose to let his shield down and got carried away by his own demons. It is sad but people like us understands. This life has no way out when you keep on waiting for God except if you decide to end it too soon. I guess those who survives will continue and those who quitted, God bless their souls. 

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
And don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest”

Linkin Park – Leave Out All The Rest

Leave Out All The Rest

Depression can be deadly. It also kills the people that values you. Do not make yourself a memory if there is still a chance for you to make greater memories while living. 

********************************************

I had a casual conversation with my best pal yesterday about life, suicide and depression. I thanked him for being there and for understanding my own demons. I met these people during my darkest until I found myself again. I fought it victoriously few months ago when I decided to go away for 5 days and engaged myself in a solo trip in Luzon. I did everything alone and tried to feel how great it is to live away from your comfort zone. It was life changing and I have few takeaways from that amazing trip. It made me feel alive again. The purpose why we exist is a difficult question to answer but you need to have a tough mind to absorb what life has to offer. I got to figure it all out slowly but nevertheless I am on the right track.
Not all people understand depression and how crooked all the wires in our head can be. I am grateful to find people who listens and understands… who accepted me and loved every fiber of my madness. I am not very open to share my life because not all people get what I am going through. I am not tough, I am too vulnerable and I easily get too attached to people who trust me and vice versa. I fear to be in situation when I am giving all that I am and they will just reject my efforts and my feelings. I get so attached to people who I know needs me. 

 
Going back to our conversation, not seeking for help is too selfish. I agree, totally! Not all people can be like me who always choose to live by watching videos about coping up with depression, praying, travelling and writing. Some die. Few lives. Not all understand that suicide can be selfish, not all understand how it will affect the people around them — people who values them. We want to die because we think life no longer have meaning for us but we don’t see how we can affect our parents, our family and friends. We want to escape our demons who control us because we could not see ourself the way others see us. We are blinded by thoughts we created in our minds. We are overthinkers and overdoers. We see ourselves as failures, a nobody and useless. We need to talk things out. We need to verbalize our feelings so that our friends would understand and that is the greatest decision I have made — to share my plans of killing myself because I cannot take it anymore. Crying helps. Beer helps. Talking saves.

(This song pretty much sums up what I feel)

“Should’ve stayed, were there signs, I ignored?

Can I help you, not to hurt, anymore?
We saw brilliance, when the world, was asleep
There are things that we can have, but can’t keep.
If they say

Who cares if one more light goes out?
In the sky of a million stars
It flickers, flickers
Who cares when someone’s time runs out?
If a moment is all we are
Or quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out?

Well I do.

The reminders, pull the floor from your feet
In the kitchen, one more chair than you need, oh
And you’re angry, and you should be, it’s not fair
Just ’cause you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it, isn’t there.”

One More Light – Linkin Park

One More Light

I do. I’ve been there. I totally do care.

*********************************************
Honesty is necessary and sometimes it is just so tough to admit that we are weak. I am guilty of that and I am blessed to have few friends who can bluntly tell me how selfish I can be and that I am a person of value in their lives. I am stubborn. I am destroying my own life because of my thoughts and my feelings. This life should be taken easily. Wherever you are right now is probably where you should be. Stop listening to people’s opinions of you because you need to be in tune of yourself. The only opinion that matters is yours and yours alone. Admit that you are a failure and who cares? Everyone at some point in their lives, fail. I know I am a failure. I know I have hurt people. I know I have offended someone. I know I am an asshole. I know I am not beautiful. I know that nobody loves me as a lover. I know I cannot depend on people all the time because they can be a disappointment.We think that we should all conform to what the society needs. I suck. We suck. Who cares? Only you care about it, so why not change how our brains are wired. It is a process, a slow progress.

Spend time alone to think on what you can do to help yourself. 

I only got myself and I owe it to myself to be better each day because when all else fails, I still have ME.

**********************************************

We cannot see our value because we are blinded by our own darkness.

We keep our demons in places we only see. Why not let them dance with people of value in our lives. 

We need to discover our strengths, our weaknesses through various opportunities and set backs that we need to face each day.

Life is damn short and being with our own demons seem to be forever but always choose to be better. 


Choose to live.

 
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Posted by on July 29, 2017 in personal

 

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Rants and Bottled Feelings.

My life seems to be so rudimentary that I usually know how to end and start it. It’s always a series of fortunate and unfortunate events and tests of faith that started way back when my innocence in life got stained by realities. I live a so-so life with pretty much nothing exciting to talk about except of course my rants about life, my work, love gone to heaven so as the fragments of my hope in humanity. Media made me hate those extremists whose causes I don’t actually get. Taxes that suck my hope in our government. Multiple work mails I need to reply. My chaotic mind with a lot of dreams yet still I’m stuck in my own comfort zone who pretty much sucks up my remaining hope in myself. Of course, I get paid but yeah — I still live beyond limits without using my full potential. 

It’s another day of rants so please forgive me.

My mind is such a terrible place to be in. Everyday I get to experience various weather like feels. Sometimes it’s sunny where I tend to have positive thoughts or days when my lurkers start to suck up all the positive ions and left me with undesirable thoughts that can be intoxicating sometimes. Today, I just feel like eating my favorite pie somewhere and talk about nonsense.

As I grow older, people come and people just go. Sometimes we all wish old friends will make time when you’re in dire need of someone but geez I’m not the Hannah Baker type who lashes out in mixtapes how my friends disappointed me big time. It’s just how it is. You just got to live life and be appreciative of people who remembers you and understand those who can’t make time. 


As I tried to be normal at home, I suddenly miss how rowdy it used to be. I missed watching news with my uncle and talk about it during dinner. Pepper is usually hyperactive so we both need to tone her down. Our cat who would just sit in our laps and my mom asking what the news is all about is the typical 6pm scene. Those sepia images of our life before daunted me while I’m drinking beer on a work day and instead of feeling sentimental, I felt surreal. 

I wonder what this home will be like couple of years from now. Will I be alone watching TV with popcorn, chips and beer because I rather be drunk than feel the misery? Will I be with my mom still and live like today? Will I be somewhere else wondering what have happened to our used to be home? The thoughts are too much to bear. I can’t live alone but I can’t leave… Either way it both sucks but I might need to plan everything out before it’s too late.

Work will still be something I need to do to live my wants. I am tired living the employee life and studying much on how to be a better entrepreneur. I need my mind to work and I need growth. I need a life away from the four corners of this corporate world.

I feel so dysfunctional. It’s not the usual routine 12 months ago but what I’m doing each day starts to feel so familiar. I don’t know how my heart functions today especially to the things it used to do or even feel. I started not to care about the world, not to hope, not to assume and not to feel. I’ve totally succumbed into the DGAF mindset. Everything seems to be driven by logic and reasons which pretty much bores me. I’m losing the substance of my own thoughts when I try to write about what I deeply feel — the unwritten chapters now bothering and it’s hard to express what my soul resonates. My mind dies as my heart passionately writes nothing. It’s the killer silence, the panacea of my being.

Until that day comes… 

End. 

 
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Posted by on June 7, 2017 in personal

 

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On Friendships That Stayed and Lost.

On Friendships That Stayed and Lost.

Humans as we are are born to be social creatures. True to that cliche saying, no man is indeed an island.

Back in highschool, I think having lots of circles will make me cool and famous. I got my own set of friends that dig in my interests and I got other circles I join sometimes to talk about computers and WWE. I can say that I’m friendly even if I had one or two classmates I haven’t talked to until almost graduation. 

In college, I’m such a social creature as I’ve joined several organizations. I can’t say I’m famous but I got a lot of networks from other clubs making it more easier to meet others. Smiling, nodding and saying hi has been a daily thing.

Today, I realized that in order to be better I don’t actually need millions of people that would say hi to me and would invite me out for a party or dinner or whatever they want to do. As I grow older, I think of friendships as a loaded ship where those that don’t matter will just weigh you down and will just capsized everything.

I choose my friends wisely. I choose people who can enter my life as precise as possible. Yes, I do have trust issues. I let those people in because they deserve to know my quirky demons, both tamed and untamed. God gave me this weird instincts that know how to distinguish a good company or not so I’m making use of it all the time. I am not sorry to those that I don’t want to be in my life because I can sense that you won’t understand at all instead you’ll feed into my miseries and will just kill me with your words when I’m not around. I don’t like to be with people who make fun of others to feel better about themselves. I don’t like to be with people who think they are better than others just because they are smart and famous. I don’t want to be with people who befriends you because they have intentions. I don’t like to be with people who’s ain’t my frequency and vibe. 

I stick with people who makes me glad that I’m alive. I like to spend my time with colleagues, subordinates and friends whose minds are wired to mine especially those with kindred spirit and meekness I adore. I choose to be with those that make me happier and better. People who makes me not lose hope in humanity and people that brings out the best in each other. 

Cheers to my friends for all these years who’ve seen me cry, laugh like an idiot, drunk, in rage and plainly crazy. Kudos to those who listened and took time!

I may have lost people along the way but I got those who matters most today. 

 
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Posted by on May 28, 2017 in Thoughts Brewery

 

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Things I Learned From My Mom

Things I Learned From My Mom

Of all the millions of people in the world, we are given two people who brought us to be who we are as of the very moment — our parents. Most of us if given a chance would want to live a different life. If I can change the story of my life I would want my dad to live longer and with both parents a little younger because how happy life could be to travel with the two most valuable people of my life. If only I can live my life again, I’ll do anything to make that dream a reality.

I haven’t write that much about my mom for quite some time. I don’t want to be so melodramatic but it’s time for you guys to know this and probably learn a thing or two. Mother’s day is so overrated and saying I love you seems to be so awkward but I guess it’s just the way it is in our household. I know we love each other but we’re not so vocal about it. Same goes in every person I deal with that are special to me.

I want to share to everyone what I learned from my mother after all these years in various aspects of my life because I know you’ll be inspired and probably think about what you learned from your mom too. Please do share it for the world to see. Comment your link so I can see it too. ๐Ÿ™‚

On Choices.

My mom would always tell me to enjoy my life no matter what. She never meddles in my decisions especially during college on what course I will take. She never convinced me to take up nursing even if half of my classmates choose to be nurses and even if her friends would tell her that it would be better if I will be a nurse someday. I once heard my mom talking to her friends that she will just let me choose whatever I want because she does not want to be blamed if I fail. I am so happy that she trusts me and never ceases to be proud of who I am regardless of what decisions I’ve made. Every achievements, every medals and awards I have is all for her. 

On Traveling.

My parents love long drives and going to beaches. They are always out of town during summer and always make time to unwind as a couple to various places. My mom used to tell me to travel while I’m single because once I get married priorities will change. I should also travel with my husband to know more about him and to rekindle the love especially if both of you are too preoccupied with your work. Today, I travel a lot to places whether I am alone or with friends. Every adventure has a beautiful memory to remember and that’s what my mom taught me, to create memories while I can through various adventures. We need to travel to experience life and share to others how beautiful this world we are living in.

On Love.

Mom had my dad when she’s already 37. She accepted the fact that she’ll be a spinster and already prepared for that kind of life until she met an old guy, a retired lieutenant colonel who works in Clark Airbase as a flight instructor. She never liked my dad even after they dated for quite some time but this guy is so persistent. He drives his Mustang and blows his horn each day in front of my mom’s boutique just to say hi until they had the chance to talk. Several dates after and my mom fell in love ( I assume) especially after my dad’s mom wrote her a letter stating that she’ll take care of my dad because she is his world now. It was a May-December love affair and that my dad is a separated guy in the US with one son. It was too much to take but she did. My mom will always tell me not to rush in finding the love of my life. Find someone who loves you more than you love him. 

On Enemies.

I can say my mom is pretty much a war freak because when she hears someone talking behind her back she tends to confront that person and worst hurt that person. She used to tell me stories about how she kicked someone ass, bruised someone’s eye and bled someone’s nose. It’s so physical that I cannot imagine be in that situation. Thanks to my dad’s control and patience I am not like my mother. My mom would tell me that nobody is allowed to make one less so I should always stand up on what is right and never let anyone put me down even if takes a God-damned fight. I should always defend myself especially if they are spreading rumors and false accusations. If it’s your fault apologize and if it’s not, don’t let any bastards put your self-esteem down.

On Challenges.

Life will always surprise as with many challenges that can actually make or break us. My mom had a fair share of God’s test that made her the strongest person I know. She was not able to finish college because my grandfather casted her out of their home because she doesn’t like her stepmom. She went to Manila and live with her older sister and survived on her own. My mom is street-smart and knows how to manage her time and money. She persevered despite the numerous test of faith she needs to surpass but it made her better. She is so strong because I cannot even think how I can survive if I was in her shoes. After my dad died, my mom took all the responsibilities and gave me the life I  wanted. She sacrificed a lot for me even her most  precious jewelries just for  me to finish college and buy me computer. She let go  of things she love just for someone whom she values most. I  will forever be indebted to her and I will be forever grateful that I got an awesome mom. She will always tell me to be strong no matter what because I can no longer depend on anyone except myself. 

 On Faith.

God always make us face ordeals that are too much to bear but we always survive as what Kelly Clarkson says “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. My mom never questioned God and her faith in him is never stained. We are deists, we don’t go to church every Sunday nor follow traditions but our faith in our Supreme Being will always be there. Our faith in God’s will keep us alive. My mom would always tell me to pray and believe that God will always provide the answers and what we pray for in time. Trust God all the time no matter what.

On Being Me.

My mom is well respected not because of any degrees or whatever but because she exhibit that confidence in her whenever she walks around. Her aura tells people around that she demands to be respected. I don’t know if it’s just the way I see her when I was a child but my mom is not just beautiful but also formal. I never see her laughing boisterously. She exhibits elegance when in a huge crowd and I’m deeply insecure of how she can manage to be so prim and proper while I’m… not like her. She’s a woman who’s conservative and flirting with boys is not necessary just to grab attention. A man, if she likes you will climb mountains just to have you. I am wondering where on Earth does she exhibit that kind of mindset but in all honesty she attracts the right kind of people. I guess my way of thinking about love, lust and sex is influenced by her. I should be in control of my body and just give it to someone who deserves it, someone I truly love. It’s not something we just do just because libido dictates it — it’s an act of love. We need to leave something for ourselves all the time. Our dignity and pride should always be there because people will no longer respect you if you keep on giving them what they want and if you let your guards down just to be happy. My mom always remind me that I need to choose what is right than what makes me happy. Happiness should be pure and not selfish. Happiness is when you chased it without hurting anyone just to fulfill your heart’s desire. My mom always remind me that I’ll be better off alone than be a mistress or a third party in someone’s relationship. I should not be just thinking on how to benefit myself alone, Instead I should be good by choosing what is right all the time because it’s the only thing that would make me sleep peacefully at night.

On Sexuality.

My mom during her teenage days is a tomboy. She hates dresses and always hang out with the boys. She is sporty and adventurous. Plays softball, lawn tennis, table tennis, badminton, squash and golf during her younger days and well versed in handling all kinds of guns. She knows a lot about cars and drink with friends. My mom is a guy’s best pal and her brothers’ favorite sister because she totally understands their whims. I am just like my mom right now except for the sports part because I am geeky compared to her. I prefer to write, read and scribble stuff. Despite my guy like mindset and gestures we are both sure that we are girls. I wanted a man not a woman as a partner and just the thought of  having same sex relationship makes me gag but of course society would tell us that women should wear dresses, prim and proper and all those BS we saw in print ads and TV. Whatever. My mom told me to be who I am regardless what society dictates you to be as long as you are not doing anything to harm others. Be yourself and be secure on what you feel regardless what other people think of you.

 On Finances.

My mom is not a wise spender though but she learned a lot from my father when it comes to managing finances. She buys what she wants and always prefer quality above anything else. Even if it’s expensive she’ll buy it for quality sake. She is not convinced that cheap products can last long. She always choose what is best. She is also preparing long term and would want everything to be secured when the time comes. Our life didn’t turn out to be what she expected but I never saw her panicking when things became rough and lost her investments. She still remained calm and made ways to provide my needs. The quality of the products she bought years ago actually made us surviveโ€‹ during our dark days because we were able to sell it. We lost our cars and jeepneys, almost all of her jewelries and even our home. It’s now my time to take charge and give back. I swear I’ll do anything to fix our life. My mom deserves to live the life she used to live before.

 On Being a Mom.

I am not yet a mother but my mom taught me already to give everything I can to my child. She did it to me and I’m proud of who I became right now. It’s so difficult to have me as a daughter because I rarely talk about my life until I could not take it anymore. It’s purely rants and my negativities can sometimes drain people especially my mom. I don’t rant much about life with my friends but with my mom I do. I realized how draining it can be to listen to someone you consider your life talking about how she hated her life, the life you build for her. I felt so bad today knowing that thought and I hope I can still make up for all the pains I caused her. I know she’s proud of me but I still haven’t told her that I’m still willing to go same ordeal as long as she’s my mom. 

I haven’t told her how much I love her but one thing is for sure, no matter how I wanted to end my life and escape everything… there will always be that one person that makes me want to live and that is you Mama. I will never ever forgive myself if I will just leave you here all alone to face this lifetime. I cannot imagine my life without you and it scares me the most though. Please don’t leave me yet until I find a stronger reason to hold on because if I lose you right now, I’ll pretty much prefer to end it all. Life will be pointless without you in it. You’re all that I have right now. I love you. 

 
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Posted by on May 16, 2017 in inspirational, life

 

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Midsummer Thoughts.

In between my daily routine I usually find myself daydreaming. My mind wanders around to nowhere thinking if I am not who I an today then probably I am a celebrity with a busy schedule, a young female pilot envied by many or a poet whose books are ought to read and cried by the faint-hearted. I guess I have a lot of things going in my mind when I wanted to escape my reality.

Some may wonder what more can I ask for. I mean I seem to be chill and knows how to manage my life, my time and people. Honestly, I am not what most people think I am. My sanity revolves around being insane most of the time. I escaped the pangs of my demons now sealed somewhere in my brain — they are controlled by my rational side, imprisoned by my choices not to succumb into pure despair that would result to pretty much a dumb decision. 

I am still not the happiest person. Last time I check, I’m still sad but not the kind of sad that makes me cry for hours thinking how miserable my life is. Just that kind of sadness when you look at around you and you’re all alone to face each day. 

Months ago, I let go of the unreciprocated love I had for years. It was perhaps my best decision because it opened my eyes to various realities that made me better. It was so intoxicating that forgetting him was so refreshing. All the vines that suffocated me slowly lose their grip and withered because I no longer fed it with my selfish hopes. I know letting go is a strength I never knew I had. I lose my own meaning because I thought I existed because of him. I hoped someday he’ll realized it all — that I am worth it. I got tired, I felt so stupid letting people consume me instead of loving myself alone. I should not have relied to others to complete me, I should be complete without anyone and that is who I am now.

I looked at myself in the mirror knowing that I am better than ever. I scanned what’s left in me, everything seems to be fine except that sinking hole I feel. It was a pit full of fears. I convinced myself I am fine and I know I am but fear reminds me that despite my strength and confidence to take the world, I still fear to live my life alone. I rationalize this with a fact that people are social creatures so they need people to survive. I know I got no problem with socializing but I guess the fear is not having anyone to love as my own. It’s been a while since the last time I my heart was preoccupied. I loved too long with false hopes in between but today I love no one at all. 

Maturity mixedโ€‹ with reality made me assume less and let life happen. I no longer feel the butterflies, the hopes and all those magical feelings. I only see busy roads, crowded streets and people living. I only have reality, a reality that I am alone with my aging mom; a work that pays my needs and a life that I don’t actually understand if will make sense someday. Reality bites me and every day I drift to survive looking forward for the next payday or travel plans just to spice up my own boredom.

Life has nothing special going and I envy those who may be poor but is complete knowing they have a family to love and hold. 

As I walked into the crowded mall, I wonder what if people have thought bubbles popping while they walk… I wonder what’s mine.

The loneliness seeping into my veins is not yet intoxicating because probably this is what I really deserve. My end of day thoughts and what I’ll do next day keeps me busy to realize that what I need right now is probably a dose of madness — I once have now lost.

Life they say is full of surprises and today my life is at plateau. Nothing special going just sleep, work, eat and repeat kind of life. I got friends, I got a job and I am healthy. My mother is now better so what more can I ask for right? If this is the life I’ll be having for the next years, I wish to end it anytime soon because boredom sucks. I guess complacency in life still bores me.

I’ll daydream and dream to survive each day. I was reminded after my solo trip that life is still worth living. I know it is — how long will I believe it is is the question? Probably after life will surprise me again.
What’sโ€‹ in store life? What’s up?

 
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Posted by on May 1, 2017 in Thoughts Brewery

 

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Are We Who We Seem To Beโ€‹?

In a lifetime, how many times have we wished that we can be someone else? I cannot recount those moments when I stare blankly dreaming I am someone or somewhere else. If only I can do something about it in a snap I would. It’s not that I’m not satisfied of who I am but it feels nice to let the life you desire flash before your eyes like a montage.

We always try to be someone else in our dreams.

or be somewhere else far from our own reality

Lately I’ve been watching Thirteen Reasons Why, a book by Jay Asher turned into a Netflix TV series. It’s about a girl who committed suicide because of people she considered her friends turned out to be her frustrations. She slit her wrists and bled herself to death in the bathroom leaving box of mixtapes that rehashed her pains that caused by this thirteen people — the reasons why she ended her own life. Those mixtapes are being passed on from one to the other, such a dreadful act to recall how you became such an ass in someone’s life. It’s like being haunted not just by her voice but your memories with her. Hannah, you’re such a tough act to follow. Kudos!

I wonder what if I’m Hannah Baker? What if I try to put myself on her shoes? Well, I don’t know how to die as much as I wanted to die but the thought on how I’ll going to die terrifies me. What she did is another tough act to follow. I am actually halfway through finishing the episodes and even if I read the book I already forgotten some of the characters. I want to Google the other reasons but I think I’ll leave it this way — how I relate myself to the current episode I’m watching. 

I got my own Clay Jensen once in my entire existence, he is my ultimate frustration. Probably I’m assuming but thanks Clay for the great  memories. I wish I got you on Dollar Valentines. He was always there, saving me from my own disgrace or probably be with me during times when I want to waste my life during late night weekends. He’ll always be my awkward friend.

I had my own Justin Foley who lured me into believing he likes me but left me hanging. Short-lived story I don’t want to remember — ever.

Several Alex Standall whom I considered my friends but stood me up when I needed them the most or I don’t know maybe there are things unexplained and they’re just gone in my life.

There goes my own Courtney who is so nice and pretty as it seems but a total bitch. She does not accept herself as she is and would just want to pretend that she’s so sweet, smart and caring.

Got no stalker like Tyler, famous friend like Jessica and rapist like Bryce but these kind of people surely exist in other people’s life montage.

Well I am popularly known to be the good kid, student leader and miss diligent in her studies. I got to enjoy being a student leader since high school and being president of some organizations gave me that pride and should I say bragging rights. Certificates, medals and awards did not make me love my life more. It was an add on, something worthwhile but not my life purpose. Knowing you represented your school once in a district quiz bee, conference and whatever that makes your school proud to have you makes you walk like a boss but inside I feel empty. I know, I had my fair share of what Marcus life was. I can actually relate to each character revealed in the episodes I’m watching. I too can be a Tony, someone who keeps a lot of secrets and torn between something. 

Well, these kind of people exist not just in Hannah Baker’s life but also ours. Probably they are not named like the ones I mentioned but their personalities surely match. I am exasperated as much as I am interested in human behavior. How frustrating it is seeing people acting as they seem to be but actually not in real life. I then start to wonder what’s going on in their minds. How we unconsciously affect others knowing we always pretend we are okay when we are definitely not or sometimes we project our frustration to others even the ones we love. We wear masks that suit us each day because we have an image to protect.

Commonly, I am misunderstood.

It’s not actually surprising because I am pretty much aware of it. I don’t bother to explain myself, so say what you want to say as long as I know the truth I’m pretty much fine. I can be Hannah’s reason of dying and on the other hand I can be Hannah. I mean everyone of us felt being not enough or being judged but unlike Hannah I’m not giving up on assholes. I’ll end my life because I can’t find any reason for living not because of those people who bullied and belittled me. F*ck you bitches!(Sorry for the language kids.)

As my reality drifts and my subconscious dreams takeover my mind, I came across a simple realization — face your nightmares head on. I mean, my reality sucks but I got to face each of it to test my strength but of course I need to know myself better. It’s what I call power — beautifully drawn from my core.

There are days when I hate talking and explaining myself and there are days when I want to socialize with other humans. I pick whom I want to be with because I rather be alone than be with a group that I don’t like, people whose vibes don’t match mine. I easily blend  in but it’s tiring sometimes so I choose my crowd, wisely. Ambiverts are like that, I guess.

My hate is at the same levels with my hope in humanity. Just like Hannah I want to have friends, friends that would actually understand me and won’t hesitate to tell me my shortcomings. We are social creatures, we hate being alone because being alone with our thoughts can sometimes make one a memory — like Hannah. Suicide is real. It’s not just something one does to seek for attention, they do it because they no longer find meaning in their existence. You got to hold on to anything that will make you feel alive, that will keep you alive. 

My life and who I am is something. I mean we should be proud of who we are right? We’re not bad people or sometimes we are not aware that we are being mean to others. In my case, either I’m aware or I’m not — mostly I am. I can’t change the way I am especially to those people who I know is up for no good in my life. People who are total pretenders and people who talks about others in a bad light. In my case, I hate lying because of course I need to cope up with my lies which is a total stress so I rather hear the truth than sugarcoat stuff. Of course there are white lies, lies you tell to save lives. Ahmmmm…. That didn’t sound right but you get my point.

So the point here is that we are not what we seem to be. We dream to be someone else. We wish to be somewhere else. We want to be with someone but scared the shit out of us to admit it. We are all pretenders. We are all actors and actresses. We all have our own darkest secrets we don’t want to be revealed because we have a reputation. We have images we want to project. We are who we are because we wanted to be who we are, well at least be someone likeable in the eyes of society. Our skeletons are all waiting to be revealed or probably not but then again who has no secrets in this world?

Be strong my friend. We screwed our lives several times. People hurt and rejected us but we can’t dwell on all those reasons why we should end our life. People who suffered from depression are beautiful people, the strongest ones I know. We battle demons who enticed us to end each suffering we feel but choosing to live despite everything is admirable. Death is not an escape but facing our realities, the complexities this life has to offer and all those detours to our dream path lead us to greater heights. A path that actually made all the scars a beautiful reminder that no matter what we survived life. We are warriors. Life warriors who victoriously fought our crazy selves. The self we hide because we are afraid of being judged.The side that nobody might learn to love. The side that we hate.

I watched the sun as it sets while I’m inside a bus on my way home. The crimson skies slowly made me back to my own reality. Welcome back, Sharon! 

 
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Posted by on April 14, 2017 in personal

 

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