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Monthly Archives: January 2017

Happiness : A Quest


The world did not promise a life without challenges. It is so unfair that sometimes you find yourself sulking in one corner whining why life is so unfair and why you of all the millions of people in the world needs to suffer such ordeal. You chug beers after beers hoping to ease the incompleteness you feel only to end up feeling the same shit all over again. Can we just live a life where dreams can be our reality and everything is just how we imagined to be? 
Probably in a perfect world which is obviously… impossible

According to vocabulary.com happiness is defined as a sense of well-being, joy, or contentment. When people are successful, or safe, or lucky, they feel happiness. The “pursuit of happiness” is something this country is based on, and different people feel happiness for different reasons. Whenever doing something causes happiness, people usually want to do more of it. No one ever complained about feeling too much happiness.

Source: https://www.vocabulary.com/dictionary/happiness

Let’s break it down a little bit further.

Happiness is a sense of well-being. 

When you look at yourself in the mirror do you like what you’re seeing?  

Did you turn to be the person you wanted to be?  

Do you still feel sad when people say bad things about you? 

You wanted a better look and a better body, would you undergo aesthetic surgery just to feel beautiful? 

Happiness is contentment. 

Are you satisfied of what you have right now or do you wish for more? 

Is your house the house you planned out or not?  

Do you have any regrets recently because of some decisions you made? 

Hot guy/gal you recently get along with is way better than your partner, will you take the risk of knowing that person more on a different level even if you’re in a relationship? 

Happiness is success. 

Did you pursue that dream job you wanted since preschool? 

Did you get all the rewards you aimed for while you’re in school? 

Do other people see you as a role model? 

Happiness is being lucky. 

Do you remember the time you won a bet or a game without actually expecting it?

Did a random stranger treat you for something without any reason just because? 

You got the early bird prize and you’re in awe because it’s the first time you came on time.

They say you had beginner’s luck after playing a card game you know nothing about and won three consecutive times. 

Such an amazing feeling,  right? 

Happiness is feeling safe and secure. 

Have you thanked God for keeping you safe during the late nights when you’re alone walking on an alley? 

What do you feel after surviving large waves that can almost capsize the vessel you’re on? 

What do you feel after 3 days of traveling alone and now you’re home? 

You’ve seen your investments and started to build your funds for the future. Isn’t it the best decision you made for years? 

You will get married soon, are you sure he/she is really the one? 

Happiness is something universal, is it? 

What makes me happy may not be the same with other people. The word happy may be something most of us understand but what and who makes us happy vary. It is subjective and affective.  It is one’s perception about life, it is indeed a state of mind. I can be happy whenever I travel — feeling the sands in my feet and watching the sun as it totally sets leaving the horizon with yellow orange watercolor-like splats. Writing stuff without any audience still make me happy because it’s my passion even if others find it boring. I write poems and haiku out of boredom and I feel giddy after because I see my thoughts concealed into words. Earlier I posted questions for every definition of happiness hoping I could answer with a solid yes in the future.  It’s not that I have a crappy life, some things don’t make any sense yet. Happiness is a lot of things for a lot of people and I guess it’s not something universal at all.

Recently I encountered a lot of realizations as I people watch in a nearby café where I work. I looked at the building where I spent almost 7 years of my life thinking when will I finally decide to let go. Career opportunities are steps away and I must say I’m earning good but the light within me is about to fade away. Is this where I really want to be? I still don’t have plan B so better yet stay for the mean time and enjoy the company of people I love to be with. I am still happy but if you ask me if I’m satisfied… without second thought my answer would be NO. There’s this voice inside me that screams, you are made to change lives — to change the world. Next question though will be… HOW

Excitement then fades away. 

Unknown couple pass by while I sip my soup. I then wondered how it feels to have someone who’ll appreciate and accept you for who you are. Someone who’ll text you good morning and good night sleep tight after a tiring day at work. The thought actually cringes me but still made me wonder more. Also, I am wondering how some people would actually still continue to be in a relationship just because they’ve been together for a long time or just because they have kids while love and self-respect are slowly fading away. Some may even try to fix all those indifferences up to the point of accepting one’s cheating acts just to salvage the relationship. It may work but most of the time it fails. I don’t know if it’s just me or what but my take on that would be simple, choose whatever makes you happy. Love sometimes ain’t enough to suffice one’s desire for growth or betterment.If the relationship is no longer healthy and if instead of growing together as better individuals you turned out to be your worst version then it’s about time for you to break away from the stress regardless of the years; regardless of what you’ve sworn in church. God didn’t want you to suffer for the rest of your life thus his gift of reason — for us to choose happiness no matter how selfish others may think it would be.People won’t understand until they get to experience it. 

The gloomy weather is just right for my thoughts as I finished my soup and my other post, Resonated Thoughts. I feel happy after eating my molo soup and felt even happier knowing that I’m able to fluidly write what’s on my mind after a long period of writer’s block. I let my imagination and feelings die for the mean time so that I can get back to my work with a more focus mind. It’s hard to tame my inner Anne Frank when it’s in the mood to scribble her thoughts. 

I realized how different we all are and our definition of happiness is just so interesting. Sometimes we get jealous of others not knowing how much they’ve sacrificed just to attain such achievements or material things. As more people pass by in front of me, I can say that for once in our life everyone deserves to be happy and not judged for any choices we make. 

I can conclude that happiness is a quest. It is our daily struggle that we need to surpass.  It is our day to day journey of finding the answers to life’s daunting questions or it can be our random banter moments with friends. It can be deep or superficial depending on your own personality. It can be a good book, an IG-worthy place, aromatic coffee, old wine or a full 8-hour sleep. Sometimes it may take a lifetime to fully understand life’s meaning or probably another lifetime to prove that happiness do exist even if we’re living in a crappy world. We won’t appreciate such joy if we haven’t shed any tears. Happiness is just like other emotions we feel — it’ll pass, just another moment or another beautiful memory.  It fuels us to go on in search for more of that feeling. It is something addictive as we all wanted to be happy for the rest of our lives. 

If you continue to pursue happiness in your daily life then it will surely brings out the best in this world, Y O U


 
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Posted by on January 31, 2017 in personal

 

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Resonated Thoughts. 

I looked at myself in the mirror and how I’ve grown mature over the years. I remembered how much of a battle it is to face adulthood with myself as the best go to person I have. I’ve gone through series of successes and failures who made me wiser and should I say not tough towards myself. 

As I look closely, I wondered how I am still alone. I can see the loneliness of my soul haunting me like a demon, lurking quietly and is about to consume my sunshine anytime. He is there, waiting for the right moment. I suddenly fear all the happy times I have lately for I know it comes with a price. It seems that everything has been too superficial and that happiness is just a fleeting moment; nothing indeed lasts. 

I touched the mirror, no creases emerged from my face though there’s a tingling sensation in my hands. I feel like I’m being burned by my thoughts. The memories became so clear and I realized how f*ck up I am. My life, all of these are just a thing in the moment but deep inside I crave for more…  I long for happiness that will last. I long for conversations that last for hours. I long for someone who’ll be there for me this time. I’ve been saving broken souls only to find out that in the process of fixing and changing other people I’ve lost myself. I thought it’s love, I thought I’m the heroin… I am not. I suddenly became the villain of my own life.  I screwed myself for praying and hoping that he’s the one but I ended up breaking my own soul to hating myself for not being strong enough to fight the complications. I thought I’m strong but I’m not. 

I let go of the mirror. I bowed my head and looked again. I saw a beautiful face. I saw myself accepting her flaws and how her frailty actually strengthened the every fiber of her being. It’s a work in progress.  She flipped her hair confidently knowing she is better now.  I am better now despite the loneliness, despite the cravings, despite the fear of not achieving my dreams and despite the challenges. One day at a time I remind myself. 

One beautiful day at a time. 

My thoughts resonating as alcohol fully subsided. I don’t know why I wanted to write about this but I hope somehow, someone will be inspired to not give up on life and just seize the moment. We are incomplete. We are lost. We are lonely but we need to live. We got to… 

We have to.;)

 
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Posted by on January 30, 2017 in personal

 

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What Love Means To Me. 

I’m not cold hearted, contrary to what other people think of me. I don’t have high standards and I don’t understand why men are intimidated by my wit and quirkiness. 

As I watch the clouds pass by, I came into life queries that are so difficult to answer in a snap. I asked myself what’s wrong. I asked myself all the whys and what ifs the world has to offer. In silence, I can feel my heart drowning in various emotions I got no words to further explain such feeling except that loneliness creeps in leaving me in blues. 

I go back to where it all started. 

I gave my heart to people who didn’t love me as much as I love them. The first one left because I lied to him. The second one, well I pretty much assumed that he’s into me and left me hanging in between then he’s gone and left me for granted. The last one was almost the right one but my insecurities build up walls that separated us.  I still wish someday he’ll find himself and be mature in dealing with everything and finally for him to stand firmly on what he feels rather than not face it at all. I learned that love is not just about having someone who accepted you for being you but it’s also about timing and external factors. It’s about how you fight for it regardless of anything. I am alone because I didn’t fight for what I feel. I am alone because I got scared of his world.  I am alone because he didn’t tell me how much I mean to him. It was probably just plain friendship that grew up into something… 

Whenever I recall the days we used to spend together, I cannot help but be sad because those were the days that I’m happy. I never thought I’ll ever learn to care and love someone. I guess I’ll be forever thankful for him because I was able to care for someone more than I cared for myself and it’s a good thing. I guarded myself for too long and only God knows how much I prayed that he’ll be the one. God left me unanswered prayers that just frustrated me. Things changed now…  I am no longer bothered of us not being together. It saddens me sometimes how I’ve exerted too much time and effort for someone who’ll choose beer and tequila over me. 

As I enter a new year being single I accepted the fact that maybe I’ll end up with no one. I watched my friends find their significant others, some got married and some have kids already. Life is not perfect but I’ve seen them happy having someone by their side,  someone who loves them more than they love themselves and it’s such a beautiful sight to see. 

Sometimes, I wish to have someone who’ll be there for me during the times when I feel so ugly and weak. Someone to remind me that I’m amazing and someone who will make me priority number one regardless of what’s going on in his life. God, if you’re listening right now…  You’ve seen how stupid I can be and how shallow my happiness is. I may miss those car rides, drunken moments and non-stop talks… and how I wish I’ll meet that guy too, not the same like my recent past but someone whom I can banter around on what food to choose in McDonald’s. I want someone I can laugh too and someone who’ll hold my hand when I’m pretty much confused of what’s going om with everything in my life. 

I’m tired of being strong. I’m tired of being alone. 

Love is something endearing, something that warms the frozen corners of our heart and leave us unguarded. It gives us hope in humanity and it makes us believe that life is worth living. Loving someone is a beautiful feeling only few people are lucky to experience. Love month is about to come and I’m still single. How I long for that day when Valentines is one day I’ll look forward to.  How I long for love…  A love that will last forever this time. 

 
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Posted by on January 22, 2017 in personal

 

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2016 : In Text and Photos

The year that was and the year that will be…

2016 is not the best year but it’s a year full of new beginnings and bittersweet endings. I’ve written my frustrations and unanswered prayers in my previous blog posts and I won’t rehash it anymore.

December of last year, I decided not to expect much on what 2016 can actually bring into my life. I promised myself to be more open-minded and just let life happen.

I made 2016 my travel year and indeed I got what I wanted — memories and experiences that made me realized how beautiful life can actually be. I went to places I’ve never been to and created new memories from the places I’ve been to before.

In 2017, I want a monthly travel plan like what I tried to achieve last year.

February 

  • Iloilo City day trip

March

  •  Church, Cebu
  • Cagayan de Oro 
  • Bukidnon
  • Misamis Oriental 

April

  • Boracay Island

May

  • Bantayan Island,Cebu

August

  • Kapurpurawan Rock Formation
  • Patapat Viaduct
  • Pagudpud
  • Laoag
  • Vigan 
  • Cordillera 
  • Baguio City
  • Tagaytay 

September 

  • La Carlota City

October 

  • Puka Beach, Boracay 

November 

  • Gary’s Punong, Silay City
  • Dumaguete City

December 

  • Don Salvador Benedicto 

Oh… the places I will go!

2016 taught me to embrace change and I had a surprise of my life when I got transferred to another program. It was one hell of an emotional rollercoaster but I’m glad that I was able to adjust. New team and new colleagues, I’m back to where I’ve started and it’s starting to feel like home.

I failed my 2016 goal but being top team for FCR last Q3 is not bad. A reminder that I don’t totally get what I usually want, TOP TEAM.  I remembered how my ASNP life was, great times with lots of achievements and recognitions. Oh well, I guess I’m simply glad that I met new bunch of people who became a great part of my 2016. 

I got new set of friends this year but still having great times with the old ones.

I’ve been to a lot of events for the first time.

  • Lights of Bago 2016
  • Boom: Music fest 
  • Boyce Avenue Concert
  • Tito Nonoy’s wake
  • RTNHS alumni homecoming 
  • Laboracay 2016
  • Site Recognitions 
  • Birthday Parties 
  • Give a Bag of Hope 2
  • Masskara Festival 
  • Random meet ups and get together
  • Empire : CVG Christmas Party 
  • HSD Gift Giving 

    It’s my first to open a passbook savings account and bought an insurance for myself. This is to ensure my future and be financially independent moving forward.

    Now, despite me going to the gym for the first time last October to be stronger and to shed off some excess fats I still cannot help but indulge myself to new restaurants and café.

    Top 10 favorite places to dine and chill

    • Starbucks
    • Vikings
    • Merkado 
    • Miren Café 
    • Manhattan’s Fleet Gastropub
    • Bob’s Café
    • Delicioso 
    • Bascon Café 
    • Calea 
    • Cantina Mondo 

    Food trippin’

    I am a food junkie who loves to eat and chill.

    Coffee and Alcohol 

    always been my refuge since my mind and heart usually have irreconcilable differences. 

    And vanity continues this 2017…

    9 Best Selfie moments!!! 😂

    Ain’t tired of my face… thank God for the gift of youthfulness. 😂

    I let God take the driver’s seat. I won’t push him anymore to grant my heart’s desires for I know that all good things come to those who wait. I won’t sulk for all the unanswered prayers. I won’t punish myself for the mistakes I did. I won’t live my life with regrets. I will stop holding on to people who doesn’t take an extra mile to be there for me and to show how important I am. I will not settle for less than I deserve just because I don’t have an option. I will stop having too much faith in humanity for it’ll just be another disappointing memory to bear. I will keep on controlling the beast in me because I know how asshole I can be. I should know better and be the bigger person no matter what. I won’t let my anger control me because it’ll end up with something I’ll just regret. I hope I’ll still be more motivated to write and let people know my other side. I hope to inspire others through my words and lastly, I hope to find the incomplete pieces of my life’s puzzle. The blank spaces haunt me, wanting to be filled soon.

    I don’t expect much for 2017. I’ll just embrace it as it unfolds another chapter of my life. Whatever happens whether it’ll turn out to be great or not I know for sure that it will make me a better person. I know I’ll be frustrated again, probably shed buckets of tears or worst encounter another heartbreaking moment. I’ll take whatever God’s challenge will be, as if I have a better choice. Anyways, I choose to chill and I will keep on choosing things and people that will make me happy. Life’s short as they say so why choose to suffer?

     Live and let go for life is meant to be experienced and discovered. Hey 2017, what’s up? I’m definitely ready for you.

    XOXO,

    Carol  😘

     

     
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    Posted by on January 1, 2017 in adventures, art, food, personal, travel, writing

     

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