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Dreadful Thoughts.

I found myself alone inside a fast food restaurant shoving fries in my mouth while watching the raindrops slowly dripping on the crystal glass. Too many words in my mind and I’m ready to write again about my feelings for tonight.

The thoughts did not stop instead it kept on going and going until I got exhausted and drove myself home. I felt my heart suddenly sank and the emotions then again drowned me. I prayed too loud to the point of begging God, not now — not this year. I can’t imagine my life without meaning. I don’t know how I’ll survived without my mom. I know she’s getting older and weaker and God knows that she’s been through a lot in this lifetime. All I want is more time.

Last March 7 my mom celebrated her birthday and told me it might be her last. I don’t know how to respond except that I smiled and told her that she’ll still be with us until 100. I know this conversation will come and reality tells me I don’t have much time. People and family members would always say that she’s alive because of me and all that she’s waiting is for me to settle down and have a family of my own. My heart breaks whenever I hear those words not because I’m pressured but because I feel that even it’s about time she chooses to stay for me. God knows how much I love her and she’s the only reason why I keep going. Every day the thought of losing her haunts me. I cannot exist without her. I just can’t.

I’m trying to sort my plans especially when she’s gone and I’m still single. I’ll probably find a job abroad and live on my own or stay and feel the loneliness of a barren house. I might go back to my old ways of going home intoxicated just temporarily forget the sadness I feel. The pain is ripping my heart and my mind is in great chaos — imagining that kind of pain is torturous to the soul.

My reality tells me that I’m hoping too much in this world. I still have a lot of hope and a lot of faith. I recalled how I survived my past challenges by escaping with people who understands me, who are crazier and sad but sees hope by looking forward of every fun weekend. It’s the story behind each bottle that floods the chaos of our soul. It’s the fun memories you make out of a drunken night that make you forget the cruelness life has to offer. It’s the bad decisions turned into a funny memory. No matter how reality surely bites, the pain didn’t last for long as long as you’re in good company. Maybe I’ll do it again just to regain the temporary happiness when all the hope is gone.

Today, I fear what tomorrow beholds. I fear that I will lose it all — my reason to exist. Maybe I wanted to get married and have a family of my own. Maybe I don’t. Maybe I’ll find someone who’ll choose me over and over again and build a family. Maybe I’ll wait for more years. Maybe I’ll get tired and keep on escaping until I get exhausted. All the maybes, all the what ifs and no certainty on what’s next.

My manager told me to let go, let go of everything including my mom. Maybe it’s about time for me to tell her that even without her I’ll survive knowing I have a job and boyfriend already that will care for me when she’s gone. Honestly, I just can’t let go. My job is not stable and I don’t want to be a burden to the boy I love. I can’t let go of the reason why I choose to exist no matter how badly I wanted to die. I have millions of reasons to no longer exist and few to live. I’m tired of this crappy world but I choose to keep going for my mom.

Suddenly it made sense to me why my mother always tell me to bear a child before she goes. Maybe she feels that with a child I’ll find meaning again, a better reason to exist and to not die out of depression. My mom knows and feels she’s the reason I am not giving up.

I kept on talking fervently to God on my way home begging for more years until I’m settled, until I find meaning in life again. Today makes sense because of my mother and even how much love I can give to other people, they are all dispensable but not our parents especially our mother who sacrificed her life for us, who carry us in their wombs and who gave us unconditional love. No one can be in her shoes.

My heart crushes whenever the thought resides in my mind. I can’t, I just can’t live without her. Again, I begged to give five to ten years of my life in exchange for more years with my mom. It’s my Simala prayer… more years. More Years. I love her so much and I just can’t live without her… not now please, not this year.

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Posted by on March 12, 2018 in Uncategorized


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About Us

I remembered praying for love, a kind of love that would destroy the walls I’ve built for years. You came — you slowly walked into the walls I’ve made, tried to touch it and it melted my uncertainties. Maybe I’m inlove with you way back or maybe I’m not but what is certain is that I want you in my life as a friend. Until this day, you reminded me how beautiful life can be.

I honestly forgot how our friendship started, probably just a simple message turned into daily talk about work and life. It was a series of messages turned into long calls of stories being shared that turned out to be my blog inspiration. We eat and talk most of the time. I got hooked to the daily thing that it was hard to be taken away from my routine — our routine.

I don’t trust people that much but talking to you was a breeze. I wrote blogs and poetry with you in my mind — there were hopes, there were pain, there were love yet unrealized that time.

Hearing you broke up with your ex was actually a rollercoaster of feelings that piled up. I wanted to breathe further as I’m being drowned by my thoughts. I know I’m mad with what she has done yet in my heart there was too much care for you – that kind of care that scares you because you know it’s not right. I called several times just to check if you’re fine. I wanted to be there for you whenever you hated the world. I wanted to comfort you. All I wanted was for you to be okay all the time, to be happy.

You are an amazing person, BTW.

You push me to my limits, dared me to try a different approach when things don’t work out the way I planned it to be.

I must admit that not all days with you are perfect. There are times we argue due to opposing views and oftentimes my point and yours are being misunderstood by the other. I know that it is frustrating. We are our at wits end sometimes. I hope we’ll never give up in trying to understand, I’m glad we spend our time talking and listening after arguing. Listening is vital — beyond words, actions and facial expressions.

There are days when I don’t get your humor while mine is so shallow for you to bear. I admit that you’re street smart in a lot of ways compared to me. What I know is pretty much basic compared to how you see life.

It annoys me when you’re being bossy and raising your voice to stress out points sometimes. I know I’m not perfect and I tend to raise my voice too especially when I’m frustrated. I know you cared that’s why you comment on my driving skills. I hate that you are not into travelling but thanks for trying to be with me most of the time. I hate that I can’t order shrimp pasta because I can’t share it with you and you know how much I love sharing my favourite food and places to you. I hate that you don’t like salads and veggies for the reason I stated earlier. I hate it but you know I still love you.

Our mood sometimes ruin our perfect moment and I’m being too dramatic in dealing with life sometimes that it irks you because life is actually simple supposed to be. I apologize for being wired this way sometimes, emotional and idealistic.

There are too many indifferences that both of us questioned how long both of us will last when we always end up frustrated with each other. Hmmmmmnnnn…

I guess it’s too early to tell because we are both adjusting and accepting. You can’t be changed and I can’t be changed. We are who we are and it’s lovely. No one captured my heart the way you did it. You slowly picked up my broken pieces, tried to patch it all up and made those pieces whole again. The wounds reminded me how strong I am all these years and it’s worth another try especially that it’s you.

We are both smart people who came from different social and family backgrounds. There’s a huge difference in how we see life and it’s beautiful to learn from each other.

The optimist meets the pessimist.

The ambivert and the introvert.

The idealist and the realist.

John Paul, I love you for being you.

I love you because you care for me and that you love me despite my flaws. I love you so much that it scares me sometimes. I’m in love right now to the point that I can’t imagine my life without you. I hate to go back to those days I’m nursing a broken heart and hates cupid to the nth level. I don’t want to go back to those days that I cry for not being that girl who is worth the words. I hate to be alone. Even if my solitude brings peace, life is better if being shared with the one you love the most.

I miss my old self — less stress, always smiling and cheerful. People always comment that my laughter is contagious. What I’ve become? Despite how I’ve changed because of work, you were there. You still look at me with that crazy smile sometimes, I always catch you by the way and it keeps the butterflies in my stomach alive.

I will be here for you babe, to not cheat on my feelings and to you. I want to have more adventures. I want to spend time with you. I want to hear your thoughts on how your day went and I want to be your partner in playing Rules of Survival.

I hope that you’re the one God sent because I prayed too hard for this moment to come in my life. I’m glad you came and I hope it’s for good.

Finally, a blog post dedicated for you my love. You’ve made a significant mark in my life to move me to write about you…about us. More to come for the years to come — hopefully.

Sorry for being stubborn and thanks for being my sunshine, for keeping me happy when my skies are gray and I hope that God won’t take my sunshine away( insert Moira’s song here).

I love you, always. 😊

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Posted by on March 5, 2018 in love, Uncategorized


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8PM Monologues.

Like cold press paper with watercolors on it, the sun suddenly melted leaving a beautiful sky for me to awe. Another crimson sight and I found my heart felt full.

It seems that this past weeks I’ve been too busy and things were happening so fast I cannot even remember the last time I took time to hold my pen and scribble my short term goals for the year. It seems I’ve been chasing a lot of things leaving me emotionally unavailable, stressed and tired all the time. Sorting emotions can be draining so I usually chose to be silent and respond to what I have for the moment. I left some beneficial to my soul stuff unattended and focus more on my stressors. Am I idealistic? Perhaps yes, perhaps no.

Come to think of it, I know how to define what’s real and what’s not. How harsh my reality bites versus my faith in this world. I am in between two extremes and I personally don’t know why I sometimes admit that I’m an idealist when in fact I’m not. I am just the hopeful one, hoping that there’s romance in all things that’s been happening in our lives despite the reality that it sucks.

I feel secured after I pray, it’s like giving the divine being the power to control my life and all I need to do is to respond and be prepared to handle the worst.

Life suddenly reminded me of how short it is. It reminded me to make the most out of my existence — again. One afternoon I drove outside the city and saw a motorcycle accident. I even caught myself into one after revving the engine to overtake a motorcycle. Inside my car I felt the fear of possibly dying one day and that any wrong move can actually be fatal. I tried so hard to concentrate but it brings me back to thoughts about living, what have I done in this world… my death most probably just like the rest is nothing special.

When I have no more control on circumstances, I let luck and destiny play their role or maybe let God deals with his plan rather than insisting mine. All I need to do is sit and accept. I almost lost my boyfriend weeks ago wherein fear consumed me and it’s a crippling feeling not knowing what to do and paranoia keeps on teasing my mind. I took a moment to pray and just let things be. I didn’t ask God to save him… I asked God to remind him that a divine being exist. Angels and grim reaper may be waiting just around the corner but there’s this writer I duly respect, the writer of our lives… the one that we don’t see yet we know he exist. He knows better than us so trust they say, and I just submit to his will.

I felt the calmness.


Haven’t posted this one and edited some stuff. Today, I just don’t feel anything exciting about my life at all. I’m tired and just want to take a break. I’m sad and badly miss my dad and Tito Edsel. I miss my old self, drunk and carefree. I miss being drowned into techno music and go home at 6am in the morning.

Adulthood sucks.

I miss being young with no responsibilities. I probably miss being passionate to the things I do. I guess I’ve lose my interest to pursue my career and just sit and watch the sunset.

I need a break.

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Posted by on February 7, 2018 in Uncategorized


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Have I Gone Mad? 

I’ve written too much these past few years and my blog posts showcase my thoughts on a gloomy day. It’s a series of rants, unspoken words and poetry that reveals a not so typical piece of me. Words are my refuge in times when my heart is full of rage, despair, happiness and loneliness. What I’ve written all these years are my emotions waiting to be judge by the public who does not know the real me. I wear my heart on my sleeve perfectly in each piece of literary mayhem. It conveys emotions that are cryptic to some yet true friends know what I exactly mean. Well, people have their own opinions and I’ve lived past their scrutiny. 

I have known myself from all its recesses and how my emotions can fluctuate from time to time. I’m a reservoir waiting to be filled by memories and circumstances — sometimes shines, sometimes covered with darkness. 

I know how to tame my inner beast during the peak of my emotions as it eats my sanity away. I growl for respect and revenge is always sweeter if achieved. I am a monster when in rage and it’s hard to tame myself when justice ain’t sought. 

Looking myself in the mirror again, I’ve grown fast. The loneliness in my eyes were replaced by hope and the faith within have been stronger. I’ve overcome life’s worst and here I am standing still, brushing off the dusts from yesteryears battle. Another montage of past events on repeat, I’ve sorted it based on how I’ve successfully handled it. Not all emotions were retrieved but the memories were so clear. Where did the old me go? The one who sulks in one corner; the one who cried herself to sleep slowly losing hope in this world; the one who held the gun wanting to shoot herself; the one who travelled to find herself; the one who gave up on love just because she felt that she’s unworthy; the one who created her own euphoria by writing poetry; and the hopeless romantic. 

I touched myself trying to feel it’s realness. I am alive. I know people have judged me for what I’ve wrote, for what I’ve act and for the decisions I made. I don’t owe anyone an explanation. I always put my faith to test this humanity. My heart wanted to let people see how I’ve seen it. I wanted to negotiate and make both ends meet no matter how hard it is. I’ve wanted to explain to people who got hurt by my words and actions to let them understand. I wanted peace and happiness but I realized that not all people see life the way I see it. 

Yes, I am innocent sometimes. The patience I extend are oftentimes abused. The niceness I project is always being challenged by circumstances. Some people provoke my own demons and they summon my own beast, the beast I’m trying to kill for quite some time. This beast is egocentric and hates injustice. It wanted to give detractors a taste of their own medicine. It symbolizes strength, power and evilness of my soul. It humbly waits for its prey who trespasses the danger zone. It is hard to tame sometimes but has been tamed all the time. 

I have been better all these years — such an honor and uplifts thy soul. 

The anger in my heart have been constantly healed by love and appreciation. I pray to God for patience and wisdom to understand and respond to situations in a manner that I won’t regret. I need to be better, I remind myself all the time. You can’t buy class, you exhibit it. People like me may think of ways to seek revenge but I believe karma has its own way of dealing with our lives. If you know you did not do anything wrong, you can sleep well at night. Wish people well instead.

I pray for peace and trust. I pray for a life I deserve. I pray for patience and love. I pray for forgiveness to those who’ve talked behind me, judged me and for those who’ve said nasty words. I know there will be no peace in my heart if I keep on looking back to those days where I got hurt. To keep going is harder than before if I let my useless emotional baggages drag me. I’ve been assured and that’s what I’ve trying to hold on right now. Until that day comes along, I’ll keep going and I’ll choose to be better. 

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Posted by on January 10, 2018 in personal, Uncategorized


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2017 Is A Good Year After All. 

And so I stop being so excited for the new year. I watched the second hand as it moves swiftly, here goes another wasted second.

2017 I must say is a year of new beginnings and remarkable memories. I waved goodbye to my quarter life crisis drama and depression is just another battle I kept on winning. Too many sullen episodes last 2017 but I survived. I’m glad I did. I’m glad I was able to keep going despite the toxicities of my mind. I’m glad I am here today drafting my year end post.

Life has never been easy for idealists like me for they see things way differently and they ended up most of the time frustrated.

It was a year where I travelled alone or with friends. I went to places that is new to me. Places that are not even that  famous yet gave me a lifetime experience I’ll never forget. Those experiences made me better as a person and gave me the chance to appreciate  life’s simple pleasures.

I’ve let go and opened my heart to new possibilities. Another year ended and this time I knew I emerged as someone who became better as time passes by. I aged gracefully and now somewhat mature in dealing with life. It has been a wonderful journey despite the set backs, great falls and frustrations. I should not be afraid of what’s in store. I know life is not all about good things and that I should prepare myself to deal with the storms and losing some battles. I know there will another episodes of melancholia. There will be days that I want to just stay in my room an cry but there will also be days that you’ll be grateful that you’re alive. I am happy because I met people who kept me sane this 2017 and that made me feel that it’s okay to be vulnerable. It’s okay to be not perfect. It’s okay to be full of flaws because they’ve accepted me for who I am — depressed and crazy.

They’ve been the funniest travel buddies I’ve been and I’m definitely looking forward to our next adventures.

And to Paul who never ceased to believe in my potentials, thank you. Thanks for being my best friend and shoulder to lean on during the times when I hated the world. Who would have thought that our friendship turned into something else? Despite all the dramas, I’m thankful that you came and that you didn’t give up on me. Thanks for being there always. I love you so much and I cannot wait to make memories with you and the rest of our friends.

2017, I bid goodbye to all the pains I felt and will be forever thankful to the new achievements I’ve unlocked both financially and emotionally. Work has been fine — challenging and tolerable. I hope I’ll be able to spend more time to what matters most than engage myself with stress that affects my being. I may need more time to unwind.

To 2018, I don’t expect much from you but let God’s will be done in my life. I’ll hold on to my faith that no matter what’s in store for me this year, I’ll be forever grateful for a life that I should start loving and living. I still wish for good health to the people I love and may we still have more time to make beautiful memories. 😊

God bless us all. Cheers to another year and may we enjoy another 365 days ride to 2019. Welcome aboard to flight 2018.  ❤

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Posted by on January 2, 2018 in personal, Uncategorized


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Friday Morning Solitude.


He was the thought behind unfinished sentences and discarded blog posts. I write several sentences until my eyes swell and a lump in my throat bothers me. I hit the discard post over save and look at the screen of my phone like a kid deprived of her favorite chocolates. I pray this feeling ends soon because it kills me. It’s like waiting for a moment that you know will never happen but you keep on waiting. You keep on believing that you are awesome and that he should see that like how others see you. You believe that you’re smart, you’re nice and you’re the best he could have. You know you’re worth the words so you choose to wait until he realize that you are the answered prayer. You are his the one.

It was always a battle between justifying my feelings when I know it’ll never be justified at all. I tried to let go countless times but I’m still here stuck with a realization that I’ll never be at peace. I keep on cutting the weeds that suffocate me trying to free myself from his entirety but I can’t. I just can’t.

I look at my phone several times waiting for his text just like how it was before. I keep on wishing nothing actually changed but it changes as months pass by. There’s awkwardness and sadness because the person you thought will never leave you sees you as an option and no longer the priority. Suddenly I keep on asking myself if I’m indeed an asshole. I started to question my worth. I started to doubt myself, started to feel that I’m not enough, started to feel so small in his world. I decided to step back and the loneliness is haunting. I trusted him, told him everything about my life and now I felt that I shared too much of me to someone who does not want to be with me anymore. He’s already keeping a part of himself from me and that makes me actually feel like I can no longer be the person anyone can trust.

I wish to be saved by someone else’s smile and courage to blurt out those words that will awake me from my nightmares and daydreams. I know how hard I prayed to God that I’ll find someone who matches my kind of crazy. He should be honest enough to tell me that I complement his personality. Someone who’ll make me realize that I’m waiting for someone who does not value me because I’m not rich, I’m not beautiful and I’m not smart enough. I’m in limbo of emotions and it’s killing me.

Here’s to my own tragedy… untold, half-written and full of unnecessary pain.

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Posted by on February 26, 2016 in Uncategorized


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Midshift and The Rain is Falling.

There are those moments in our lives that stimulates our artistic side, the side that we choose to hide from people that may judge you and the side that we usually hate because it makes you feel vulnerable. Admit it, you have that side.

Tonight, I feel that urge to write my thoughts. I rarely feel it when I’m being swamped with work. Valentines is over and done — thank God. I’m always that girl, the girl who is just so awkward during first meet up.

(First sip of coffee )…

I can taste the caffeine in my lips. Bitter just like my old self. Years have gone by and I’ve outgrown my bitterness on love. Despite the strong aura I emit, the inner desire to find someone who can tame my craziness is something I regularly fight. I keep on telling myself that reality bites and there is no such thing as prince in shining armor that will come to kiss me and save me from the evil world. I only got myself — no more, no less.

( Second sip.. )

Life’s too short to feel bad if things won’t go my way.  It never goes my way most of the time so I better get used to it. Recently, I felt so bad because I keep on doing the right thing only to end up not being recognize. I tried to understand everything and I did. It’s not that I want to be recognized for my hard work but I guess I deserve an acceptable reason why it turned out not the way I have expected it to be. It’s just the way it is, life’s not fair for the nth time Carol so better deal with it.

( Third sip…)


I’m daydreaming too much lately planning out my next trips each month to new places.  I did not make any new year’s resolutions this year so better decide to do something spontaneous and start my own travel blog. This blog is a mixture of my different sides. It’s kinda messed up but it depicts me. I’ll start to post more of my adventures and I might start on my most recent trip in the City of Love — Iloilo.  I am a believer that the Philippines is such a beautiful country and my mission in life is to unravel and share its beauty.

( Fourth moment with my cup requires me to take a gulp of its bitterness )


When will I learn to break free from my monotonous life?  It has been like this since I graduated college. I am inlove with a lot of things but I’m still lost on what I really wanted to do that it scares the shit out of me. I’m afraid that I may lose the time I need to fulfill my plans or maybe I’m missing a lot about life.


  All I wanted is to be happy and fulfilled on my deathbed someday. Oh, God my merciful savior I don’t want to die sad. I still want to have a family I can call my own and this dream is actually related to the next thought that I’ll be sharing.  It requires me a surmountable amount of caffeine…  here we go.

(Fifth – sixth sip is the calm before the storm…  the caffeine is slowly kicking my brain. )


Err… I feel awkward but my dream job is actually to be a wedding planner. My close friend is about to get married and he sought my advice. I got nothing serious to say though I mean I cannot even find true love so why share some of my thoughts about marriage without me feeling a little miserable about the thought that I might be alone forever. I’m happy for my friend because at 31 he finally decided to settle down.

(Music is on full blast and my mind is being shaken by caffeine… on to my seventh sip from the cup)


My best friend will be leaving the country on the 22nd. I am happy for him because it has been his dream to work in London. He sacrificed a lot and did everything that his family wanted him to do. He lives on his family’s rules and not able to decide on his own. Growing up was so tough that he is full of insecurities despite the strong demeanor that he exudes. It’s a bittersweet feeling tho on my end for I’ll lose my coffee buddy. We talked a lot about our lives, love and career all the time. I guess my weekends and afternoons will never be the same again. I know I’ll be able to manage my life on my own especially when I need a friend whom I can share anything without the fear of being judge and being blunt without the fear of being misunderstood.  Oh well.

( After gazillion sips on my cup… )


Hey you future partner. I’m waiting for you still.  Whoever you are, wherever you may be I’m still here.  I’m no longer broken but the fixed parts felt so empty.  I can still feel the scars but the memories are no longer painful. I endured a lot for the past years but instead of falling into the pitfall of despair I rose above it all feeling confident that with God, everything will be alright.  I know he hears what my heart desires but everything will unfold at the right time. I’m starting to  be too impatient but I continue to remind myself that good things come to those who wait. I cannot help but ask myself if I’m good enough.  Is it me?  Am I too difficult to love?  Am I not worthy to be love?  Arrrghhhhh…  I’ve woke up into my own realities and it felt so awful knowing you’re not worth the words. I’m not worth the words after years of great friendship. I guess it’s just the way it is…  sucks. 


Anyways, future partner may you finally find your way to me and that I wish I’m not an ass not to notice you. I guess we’ll both know if the time indeed finally come. I cannot wait for that moment when the independent woman finds his man and finally say these words… “From this moment MY life ends and OURS begin… I love you.

Now…  lunch break is over. Hello reality.

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Posted by on February 17, 2016 in journal, life, Uncategorized