So I got to sort some of my issues and I am starting it right this September.
I should be happy since finally we are able to talk but I don’t get it still. I mean if someone who values friendship, why did it take him so long to reach out and fight for it? Oh yeah, it was me who tried to put closure on an issue that is not supposed to be an issue. If it was not because of me our friendship would really gone haywire without any apparent reason at all. It’s because I got a jerk friend who does not know how to deal with it. I’m still frustrated but I guess this is enough for me to realize a lot of things. I am still mad and I am trying not to be mad because he thinks it’s fix and I don’t want to be the villain in our beautiful friendship. I guess giving it another shot would be a better idea than cussing him from a far.
I should be happy because it’s fix! I mean, we are back to talking terms and that should really be great, right? C’mon! I am telling myself that this is another diary kind of moment but I refused to write about it. I refused to acknowledge the fact that we are already okay. I don’t know if he’ll be a jerk again one day telling me shits and then won’t talk to me all of a sudden. Trust — geez, you had me once but this time it’ll be different. I don’t know how to start over. I don’t know how we can rekindle those days again when I am already stained and I l know I am making a big deal out of it –really. I need to forget about what have happened. I want to forget but the problem is, I never forget things.
I guess I have changed. I mean it’s been liberating to finally speak my mind and just plainly be honest. I have been good for the past years and I tried to avoid conflict as much as possible but as we age we realized that life becomes too complicated if we sugarcoat things. Everyone deserves the truth… no more no less. It’s about being honest to ourselves and being mature enough to deal with things. I am shrugging off all the butterflies in my stomach, shrugging off my fairy tale endings, shrugging off my hopes, shrugging off my prayers, shrugging off my feelings until I see him as a man not a boy. I really want him to be a man, to be strong, to be full of conviction and to finally chase his dreams. Why is it so difficult? Why can’t he be a man? The frustration continues.
A friend told me, “what if instead of praying that he’ll be a man just help him in finding himself and in sorting his own issues in life? You are his friend in the first place. Just be there because he might need someone like you, flawed and lost just like him to survive his own demons.” — Lord… I got shallow problems I know but please lead me to the right path.
Quoting some beautiful lines from one fellow blogger via : http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/06/a-soul-mate-is-a-mirror-we-accept-the-love-we-believe-we-deserve/
“Soul mates are mirrors to our souls. Whatever we attract is what we are putting out. When we look at the relationships we have chosen they are reflections of how we felt on the inside. Although their personalities may be very different to ours their words and actions play out and speak our deepest insecurities and fears. We allow them a place in our lives and for a time, we even believe their words.
“We accept the love we think we deserve.” ~ Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
Until we wake up and recognise the truths about our selves. That we are all deserving of love. We are all a mixture of beautiful and broken. We are all an alchemical blend of darkness and light.
We do not need someone else to stand in front of us and tell us this. We do not need to play small in the world. We do not need to cower or dim our light or to be afraid to rise and demand our worth.
When we attract a soul mate that reflects our dark side, it is because there are things we still need to discover and accept about ourselves. They will show us where our weaknesses are, show us our faults, fears, insecurities, demons, imperfections and the relationship can be deeply painful and destructive. The light will constantly focus on areas that we need to work on and mostly the parts of us that need to heal.”
I actually do not know what step to take but I guess I’ll let it be… thy will be done.
Work makes me lose my mind.
My life is still revolving on shades of gray.
I have this feeling that I am about to have some of my prayers answered.
I want to start my BER months in a more positive note. Let’s do this!!!!
Note to self: