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About Us

I remembered praying for love, a kind of love that would destroy the walls I’ve built for years. You came — you slowly walked into the walls I’ve made, tried to touch it and it melted my uncertainties. Maybe I’m inlove with you way back or maybe I’m not but what is certain is that I want you in my life as a friend. Until this day, you reminded me how beautiful life can be.

I honestly forgot how our friendship started, probably just a simple message turned into daily talk about work and life. It was a series of messages turned into long calls of stories being shared that turned out to be my blog inspiration. We eat and talk most of the time. I got hooked to the daily thing that it was hard to be taken away from my routine — our routine.

I don’t trust people that much but talking to you was a breeze. I wrote blogs and poetry with you in my mind — there were hopes, there were pain, there were love yet unrealized that time.

Hearing you broke up with your ex was actually a rollercoaster of feelings that piled up. I wanted to breathe further as I’m being drowned by my thoughts. I know I’m mad with what she has done yet in my heart there was too much care for you – that kind of care that scares you because you know it’s not right. I called several times just to check if you’re fine. I wanted to be there for you whenever you hated the world. I wanted to comfort you. All I wanted was for you to be okay all the time, to be happy.

You are an amazing person, BTW.

You push me to my limits, dared me to try a different approach when things don’t work out the way I planned it to be.

I must admit that not all days with you are perfect. There are times we argue due to opposing views and oftentimes my point and yours are being misunderstood by the other. I know that it is frustrating. We are our at wits end sometimes. I hope we’ll never give up in trying to understand, I’m glad we spend our time talking and listening after arguing. Listening is vital — beyond words, actions and facial expressions.

There are days when I don’t get your humor while mine is so shallow for you to bear. I admit that you’re street smart in a lot of ways compared to me. What I know is pretty much basic compared to how you see life.

It annoys me when you’re being bossy and raising your voice to stress out points sometimes. I know I’m not perfect and I tend to raise my voice too especially when I’m frustrated. I know you cared that’s why you comment on my driving skills. I hate that you are not into travelling but thanks for trying to be with me most of the time. I hate that I can’t order shrimp pasta because I can’t share it with you and you know how much I love sharing my favourite food and places to you. I hate that you don’t like salads and veggies for the reason I stated earlier. I hate it but you know I still love you.

Our mood sometimes ruin our perfect moment and I’m being too dramatic in dealing with life sometimes that it irks you because life is actually simple supposed to be. I apologize for being wired this way sometimes, emotional and idealistic.

There are too many indifferences that both of us questioned how long both of us will last when we always end up frustrated with each other. Hmmmmmnnnn…

I guess it’s too early to tell because we are both adjusting and accepting. You can’t be changed and I can’t be changed. We are who we are and it’s lovely. No one captured my heart the way you did it. You slowly picked up my broken pieces, tried to patch it all up and made those pieces whole again. The wounds reminded me how strong I am all these years and it’s worth another try especially that it’s you.

We are both smart people who came from different social and family backgrounds. There’s a huge difference in how we see life and it’s beautiful to learn from each other.

The optimist meets the pessimist.

The ambivert and the introvert.

The idealist and the realist.

John Paul, I love you for being you.

I love you because you care for me and that you love me despite my flaws. I love you so much that it scares me sometimes. I’m in love right now to the point that I can’t imagine my life without you. I hate to go back to those days I’m nursing a broken heart and hates cupid to the nth level. I don’t want to go back to those days that I cry for not being that girl who is worth the words. I hate to be alone. Even if my solitude brings peace, life is better if being shared with the one you love the most.

I miss my old self — less stress, always smiling and cheerful. People always comment that my laughter is contagious. What I’ve become? Despite how I’ve changed because of work, you were there. You still look at me with that crazy smile sometimes, I always catch you by the way and it keeps the butterflies in my stomach alive.

I will be here for you babe, to not cheat on my feelings and to you. I want to have more adventures. I want to spend time with you. I want to hear your thoughts on how your day went and I want to be your partner in playing Rules of Survival.

I hope that you’re the one God sent because I prayed too hard for this moment to come in my life. I’m glad you came and I hope it’s for good.

Finally, a blog post dedicated for you my love. You’ve made a significant mark in my life to move me to write about you…about us. More to come for the years to come — hopefully.

Sorry for being stubborn and thanks for being my sunshine, for keeping me happy when my skies are gray and I hope that God won’t take my sunshine away( insert Moira’s song here).

I love you, always. 😊

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Posted by on March 5, 2018 in love, Uncategorized

 

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8PM Monologues.

Like cold press paper with watercolors on it, the sun suddenly melted leaving a beautiful sky for me to awe. Another crimson sight and I found my heart felt full.

It seems that this past weeks I’ve been too busy and things were happening so fast I cannot even remember the last time I took time to hold my pen and scribble my short term goals for the year. It seems I’ve been chasing a lot of things leaving me emotionally unavailable, stressed and tired all the time. Sorting emotions can be draining so I usually chose to be silent and respond to what I have for the moment. I left some beneficial to my soul stuff unattended and focus more on my stressors. Am I idealistic? Perhaps yes, perhaps no.

Come to think of it, I know how to define what’s real and what’s not. How harsh my reality bites versus my faith in this world. I am in between two extremes and I personally don’t know why I sometimes admit that I’m an idealist when in fact I’m not. I am just the hopeful one, hoping that there’s romance in all things that’s been happening in our lives despite the reality that it sucks.

I feel secured after I pray, it’s like giving the divine being the power to control my life and all I need to do is to respond and be prepared to handle the worst.

Life suddenly reminded me of how short it is. It reminded me to make the most out of my existence — again. One afternoon I drove outside the city and saw a motorcycle accident. I even caught myself into one after revving the engine to overtake a motorcycle. Inside my car I felt the fear of possibly dying one day and that any wrong move can actually be fatal. I tried so hard to concentrate but it brings me back to thoughts about living, what have I done in this world… my death most probably just like the rest is nothing special.

When I have no more control on circumstances, I let luck and destiny play their role or maybe let God deals with his plan rather than insisting mine. All I need to do is sit and accept. I almost lost my boyfriend weeks ago wherein fear consumed me and it’s a crippling feeling not knowing what to do and paranoia keeps on teasing my mind. I took a moment to pray and just let things be. I didn’t ask God to save him… I asked God to remind him that a divine being exist. Angels and grim reaper may be waiting just around the corner but there’s this writer I duly respect, the writer of our lives… the one that we don’t see yet we know he exist. He knows better than us so trust they say, and I just submit to his will.

I felt the calmness.

****************************************

Haven’t posted this one and edited some stuff. Today, I just don’t feel anything exciting about my life at all. I’m tired and just want to take a break. I’m sad and badly miss my dad and Tito Edsel. I miss my old self, drunk and carefree. I miss being drowned into techno music and go home at 6am in the morning.

Adulthood sucks.

I miss being young with no responsibilities. I probably miss being passionate to the things I do. I guess I’ve lose my interest to pursue my career and just sit and watch the sunset.

I need a break.

 
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Posted by on February 7, 2018 in Uncategorized

 

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Have I Gone Mad? 

I’ve written too much these past few years and my blog posts showcase my thoughts on a gloomy day. It’s a series of rants, unspoken words and poetry that reveals a not so typical piece of me. Words are my refuge in times when my heart is full of rage, despair, happiness and loneliness. What I’ve written all these years are my emotions waiting to be judge by the public who does not know the real me. I wear my heart on my sleeve perfectly in each piece of literary mayhem. It conveys emotions that are cryptic to some yet true friends know what I exactly mean. Well, people have their own opinions and I’ve lived past their scrutiny. 

I have known myself from all its recesses and how my emotions can fluctuate from time to time. I’m a reservoir waiting to be filled by memories and circumstances — sometimes shines, sometimes covered with darkness. 

I know how to tame my inner beast during the peak of my emotions as it eats my sanity away. I growl for respect and revenge is always sweeter if achieved. I am a monster when in rage and it’s hard to tame myself when justice ain’t sought. 

Looking myself in the mirror again, I’ve grown fast. The loneliness in my eyes were replaced by hope and the faith within have been stronger. I’ve overcome life’s worst and here I am standing still, brushing off the dusts from yesteryears battle. Another montage of past events on repeat, I’ve sorted it based on how I’ve successfully handled it. Not all emotions were retrieved but the memories were so clear. Where did the old me go? The one who sulks in one corner; the one who cried herself to sleep slowly losing hope in this world; the one who held the gun wanting to shoot herself; the one who travelled to find herself; the one who gave up on love just because she felt that she’s unworthy; the one who created her own euphoria by writing poetry; and the hopeless romantic. 

I touched myself trying to feel it’s realness. I am alive. I know people have judged me for what I’ve wrote, for what I’ve act and for the decisions I made. I don’t owe anyone an explanation. I always put my faith to test this humanity. My heart wanted to let people see how I’ve seen it. I wanted to negotiate and make both ends meet no matter how hard it is. I’ve wanted to explain to people who got hurt by my words and actions to let them understand. I wanted peace and happiness but I realized that not all people see life the way I see it. 

Yes, I am innocent sometimes. The patience I extend are oftentimes abused. The niceness I project is always being challenged by circumstances. Some people provoke my own demons and they summon my own beast, the beast I’m trying to kill for quite some time. This beast is egocentric and hates injustice. It wanted to give detractors a taste of their own medicine. It symbolizes strength, power and evilness of my soul. It humbly waits for its prey who trespasses the danger zone. It is hard to tame sometimes but has been tamed all the time. 

I have been better all these years — such an honor and uplifts thy soul. 

The anger in my heart have been constantly healed by love and appreciation. I pray to God for patience and wisdom to understand and respond to situations in a manner that I won’t regret. I need to be better, I remind myself all the time. You can’t buy class, you exhibit it. People like me may think of ways to seek revenge but I believe karma has its own way of dealing with our lives. If you know you did not do anything wrong, you can sleep well at night. Wish people well instead.

I pray for peace and trust. I pray for a life I deserve. I pray for patience and love. I pray for forgiveness to those who’ve talked behind me, judged me and for those who’ve said nasty words. I know there will be no peace in my heart if I keep on looking back to those days where I got hurt. To keep going is harder than before if I let my useless emotional baggages drag me. I’ve been assured and that’s what I’ve trying to hold on right now. Until that day comes along, I’ll keep going and I’ll choose to be better. 

 
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Posted by on January 10, 2018 in personal, Uncategorized

 

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2017 Is A Good Year After All. 

And so I stop being so excited for the new year. I watched the second hand as it moves swiftly, here goes another wasted second.

2017 I must say is a year of new beginnings and remarkable memories. I waved goodbye to my quarter life crisis drama and depression is just another battle I kept on winning. Too many sullen episodes last 2017 but I survived. I’m glad I did. I’m glad I was able to keep going despite the toxicities of my mind. I’m glad I am here today drafting my year end post.

Life has never been easy for idealists like me for they see things way differently and they ended up most of the time frustrated.

It was a year where I travelled alone or with friends. I went to places that is new to me. Places that are not even that  famous yet gave me a lifetime experience I’ll never forget. Those experiences made me better as a person and gave me the chance to appreciate  life’s simple pleasures.

I’ve let go and opened my heart to new possibilities. Another year ended and this time I knew I emerged as someone who became better as time passes by. I aged gracefully and now somewhat mature in dealing with life. It has been a wonderful journey despite the set backs, great falls and frustrations. I should not be afraid of what’s in store. I know life is not all about good things and that I should prepare myself to deal with the storms and losing some battles. I know there will another episodes of melancholia. There will be days that I want to just stay in my room an cry but there will also be days that you’ll be grateful that you’re alive. I am happy because I met people who kept me sane this 2017 and that made me feel that it’s okay to be vulnerable. It’s okay to be not perfect. It’s okay to be full of flaws because they’ve accepted me for who I am — depressed and crazy.

They’ve been the funniest travel buddies I’ve been and I’m definitely looking forward to our next adventures.

And to Paul who never ceased to believe in my potentials, thank you. Thanks for being my best friend and shoulder to lean on during the times when I hated the world. Who would have thought that our friendship turned into something else? Despite all the dramas, I’m thankful that you came and that you didn’t give up on me. Thanks for being there always. I love you so much and I cannot wait to make memories with you and the rest of our friends.

2017, I bid goodbye to all the pains I felt and will be forever thankful to the new achievements I’ve unlocked both financially and emotionally. Work has been fine — challenging and tolerable. I hope I’ll be able to spend more time to what matters most than engage myself with stress that affects my being. I may need more time to unwind.

To 2018, I don’t expect much from you but let God’s will be done in my life. I’ll hold on to my faith that no matter what’s in store for me this year, I’ll be forever grateful for a life that I should start loving and living. I still wish for good health to the people I love and may we still have more time to make beautiful memories. 😊

God bless us all. Cheers to another year and may we enjoy another 365 days ride to 2019. Welcome aboard to flight 2018.  ❤

 
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Posted by on January 2, 2018 in personal, Uncategorized

 

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Why I Pray.

Why I Pray.

I have never been a religious person nor I was born in a family who is a devotee of patron saints. I am raised inside a household of people who believes in God but never actually cared much of going to church on Sunday. They think it’s hypocrisy to go just for the sake of going and my mother cringes with the thought of sharing casual conversation with her Amigas who’ll just brag about their new stuff. Enough of the why-I-do-not-go-to-church rants.

I believe in God.

I believe that my life is governed by a Supreme Being whose love for me is indispensable. I exist because deep inside my tormented soul is a fainted light of hope. A light that was lit up by experiences that made sense through the years. These are events that made me who I am today and some are unexplainable which I usually call a blessing. I questioned God’s will several times given that success will not be always easy for me. 

I’ve got too much to be thankful for this year. A lot has changed even the way I see my life so far. It’s never perfect, full of dramas, depression demons and misfortunes but my faith stood still. I never ceased at believing on his divine presence and for unexplainable reasons he made me feel better each time I cried my way to sleep. I asked myself what did I do to deserve all these frustrations, a product of an intoxicated mind and broken heart. Time didn’t heal me, it was my faith that everything will pass that made me survived. 

In my heart I believe in the magic of Christmas. I believe that all the events in our lives are part of a grander plan that will shape us to be a better version of ourselves. I believe that our faith will determine how resilient we are in facing our battles. God will always bless us if we let go and accept what’s in store for us. It’s about doing good no matter what life throws at our lives. Keep going with a strong faith that everything will be better soon. Today I pray not for myself but for all the people of value in my life. I pray to keep them safe and that we’ll have more years together especially to my mother who I love the most. 

I pray for peace for those whose hearts are at war. I pray for courage. I pray for love to stay in our hearts and that we continue to be someone who’ll restore someone’s faith in humanity. I will continue to pray because it makes me feel better and secured at all times. Let go of the pain and accept his grace in our hearts.  Take a 60 seconds  pause tonight and thank God for blessing your life.

Merry Christmas! 😘

 
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Posted by on December 25, 2017 in personal

 

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Ain’t Skinny Love.

I looked at old blog posts trying to feel those words I used to write, but it didn’t trigger any response from my soul.  It is far most the strangest feeling I have felt for years – the dire need to write but no words can totally express what I really feel.  

It’s been a while since I sat quietly watching people live their lives. Few weeks ago I feel a little lonelier than the usual that eating alone makes me sad but today is a little bit different. I feel fine despite the gloomy weather and Ellie Goulding’s Your Song is consuming me inside. I guess I’m back to my old self except that I’m also pretty much bothered and amused of recent events in my life.  

The concept of skinny love has been in my system since that drunken moment of yesteryears and how I dread if it will happen again. It’s that kind of love that both parties care but just can’t find the courage to tell how much they love each other. It’s governed by fear of losing a beautiful friendship so you’ll stick to that read between the lines, think whatever you wanted to think kind of relationship. Sucks,  I  know.

I’m not good in detecting possible relationships unless of course they’ll tell me their intentions. Gone are those days when rainbows, unicorns and pixiedusts inspire me. I stopped assuming. I stopped believing. I stopped hoping that a prince will save me from my loneliness and show me that life’s too beautiful if shared with the one you love. I became too much of a realist and dealing with that side of myself is torture. I became Maleficent like, still cares for Aurora but won’t show signs of any vulnerability. Tears are for the weak. It destroyed all the tinge of positivity in my soul. It made me stone cold.  I was so dysfunctional with a strong belief that I’m not worth it all. I felt unloved and so undeserving of a pure heart. My mind is such a fucked up place so as my soul. 

I have this guy friend who recently told me that I’m being too hard towards myself. Sometimes ideas overflow when alcohol is dominating our system and that drunken conversation despite the blurry feels actually got stuck in my mind. Maybe I am not that bad.  Maybe I deserve to fall in love again and pretty much puzzled those broken pieces of my China heart.  Maybe… just maybe. Maybe this time I can straighten things out and start all over again. Maybe I started to care and that scares me for it can be a beginning of something else. Am I feeling something?  Yes.  There might be butterflies but it didn’t run amuck inside. It’s not even love. It’s something new and I can’t even define it. It’s there but it’s not where my life revolves. It’s there, it exists and I acknowledged it but what’s that feeling  then?

I don’t feel like dying today unlike those days when I wish loneliness was never a feeling people feel. It’s like a regular kind of day when I wish to fast forward it to my soon to be best days. I made stupid decisions — what else is new?  I wanted to save more money to fulfill my wants and probably it can buy me experience that will make me sort out my life. Bottom line, I’m still fucked up as of this writing despite the will to change my life course. 

I started to over think my reactions and tried to over think more of what’s going on. I started to panic when a friend told me that I’m so dense not to see that my closest friend right now is into me. I don’t believe it at first until I started to rehash everything from day one.  It’s not that easy as it seems especially if we’re talking about feelings.  It’s complicated because he’s in a relationship. I hate it when people suggest and you tend to think about it until confusion starts.  I  got confused I must admit but I went back to the time when I used to feel the magic. The stone cold heart I have started to warm up but all of the things I’m feeling is all new.  It’s not what I’ve felt before so it’s harder to define and it’s something I cannot explain. 

People come into our lives for a reason, some may go fast and some choose to imprint our souls. Maybe the recent things happened for me to feel a little bit more of a human being. I feel better, wiser and stronger. I may have been confused and partly swayed by the thoughts but I know for sure that I don’t deserve to be just anyone’s third party and that I too deserve to be happy in God’s perfect time.  All I need is to be honest on everything that I feel and instead of escaping, it would be better to face it no matter how painful the results can be. Life is all about perfect timing and I might need to ask for more patience to wait and just enjoy what I have as of the moment. 

And to that friend of mine who I love to tease, thanks for being one of the person whom I know will always have my back no matter what.  I’ll stick to what I said, I won’t be another skinny lover who’s afraid to tell the world of what she feels.  If that time comes you’ll be the first to know.  For now, I’m happy of our friendship and thanks for doing an extra mile of saving it when I’ve decided to not bother at all. 

Life comes with extra feels and sometimes you just let life be life and not expect too much because what’s meant to happen will happen whether we like it or not. 

Learn, always.  

Never stick to a skinny kind of love when you can put your heart on your sleeve and love fully. 

We all deserve love, in time. 

 
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Posted by on July 5, 2017 in personal

 

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How it has been so far?

I wanted to control my urge to write but I guess some feelings need to be vent out again for me to feel a little better.

I cut my hair recently.

I unfollowed my ex-friend in Tumblr.

I stopped caring.

Life was a bit simpler this past week and I can say I am back to my old sarcastic and half-witty self. I can now manage to see him without the desire to strangle him and scream what is wrong but I am actually still have my mood swings once in a while. I am still taming my monster side. Just when I thought I am able to manage my anger very well… oh yeah, I am back to square one. I am still my old self. 😲

I hate being mad because things become disastrous. I cannot stop myself from yelling or screaming or I have no idea what I can actually do. I actually prefer to cry instead of throwing something towards that person. I also walk away before I can hurt anyone. Anger does more harm than good.

I must admit I miss him but I am still wondering on the root cause of the sudden change in behavior. I have theories in mind but it won’t lead me into a concrete reason why he became indifferent. I asked myself, is it something I said? The text? What? I won’t assume that he loves me and plainly being confused or assume that he hates me because we are able to text each other after. He knows how I hate bullshit stuff and what he’s doing to me is actually bullshit at its finest. I can deal with the harsh truth than be stuck in a limbo of assumptions.

I was fighting for my feelings. I am shrugging it off because I fear rejection and commitment. I fear the pain that love brings. I fear too much attachment only to realized I lured myself into my own grave. I brought my fears into life and I am battling it right now. He was not my ideal guy but he complimented my brains and made me trust someone completely which rarely happens by the way. I got trust issues but with him I can be my ugly wasted self without caring what he might think of me. I am now writing this part with a heavy heart because I miss my bestfriend. I miss the random talks, foodtrips and laughtrips. It is so hard to be alright and accept that our friendship ended with a big question mark.

My pride tells me to stop reaching out and let things happen as they are meant to happen. I stopped chasing for answers and instead set a stupid timeline. I give you the space you wanted. I realized that I can actually survive without you. You know that feeling when you wanted to share a story and you are the first one who comes into my mind? I wanted to share it to you then we will laugh and forget about the stress we feel at work. I badly control myself not to ping you because my pride tells me that if you want to really talk to me you could have pinged me already weeks ago but you did not. You choose not to and I choose to let go.

I just think it is still unfair of you not telling me though. I guess I am not even worth an explanation.

I shrugged off my feelings because I still cling into that idea that maybe I will find someone who is as hot like Doug Kramer, as smart as Marc Nelson, as God-fearing as Paul Soriano, as cool as Drew Arellano, as handsome as Marlon Stockinger and as amazing as my father. I got this high standards when it comes to relationship only to realize that I have been shrugging my feelings for someone who is not even close to my ideals but complimented me in ways I can no longer explain. You are indeed my greatest nightmare dressed like a daydream. You are so much to take in. I wanted a man but I got a 30-year old boy who still does not know what he really wants in life. I know I deserve someone better as what our friends say but I still empathize with you. I fear your fears. I fear commitment. I fear being attached to you and be in an actual relationship because I am so afraid of your world. I do not know how to fit into it when I am the laidback type. I am low maintenance and the simple things can actually make me happy. I know our financial status is way different since I am the heir of my family’s financial problems. I grew up rich and suffered bankruptcy when I was 19. Life was never easy back then. I had my own issues to fix and my pride tells me that I need to be established first. I seek for a long term relationship. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with someone and not just enter into something half-baked. I prayed for that moment. I prayed hard.

We need to probably sort things out while we are sober and be honest about our fears and feelings. We cannot totally escape this by not talking and pretending one does not exist. I want to give the space you wanted before I totally confront you. This ain’t cool in dealing with life issues. I will never attain the peace I wanted with a hanging chapter in my life.

It’s still a blurry path to the unknown. Work exhausts me and I cannot help but displaced my anger to my supervisor who keeps on nagging us. I want to actually be blunt and just tell him that his ideas are sometimes stupid. I got raging hormones to deal with each day and I do not f*ckingly know how to be chill except of course if I choose to walk away and eat out at dawn alone. I need a break.

That’s it.

😤😥😧

 
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Posted by on August 11, 2015 in life

 

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