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Ain’t Skinny Love.

I looked at old blog posts trying to feel those words I used to write, but it didn’t trigger any response from my soul.  It is far most the strangest feeling I have felt for years – the dire need to write but no words can totally express what I really feel.  

It’s been a while since I sat quietly watching people live their lives. Few weeks ago I feel a little lonelier than the usual that eating alone makes me sad but today is a little bit different. I feel fine despite the gloomy weather and Ellie Goulding’s Your Song is consuming me inside. I guess I’m back to my old self except that I’m also pretty much bothered and amused of recent events in my life.  

The concept of skinny love has been in my system since that drunken moment of yesteryears and how I dread if it will happen again. It’s that kind of love that both parties care but just can’t find the courage to tell how much they love each other. It’s governed by fear of losing a beautiful friendship so you’ll stick to that read between the lines, think whatever you wanted to think kind of relationship. Sucks,  I  know.

I’m not good in detecting possible relationships unless of course they’ll tell me their intentions. Gone are those days when rainbows, unicorns and pixiedusts inspire me. I stopped assuming. I stopped believing. I stopped hoping that a prince will save me from my loneliness and show me that life’s too beautiful if shared with the one you love. I became too much of a realist and dealing with that side of myself is torture. I became Maleficent like, still cares for Aurora but won’t show signs of any vulnerability. Tears are for the weak. It destroyed all the tinge of positivity in my soul. It made me stone cold.  I was so dysfunctional with a strong belief that I’m not worth it all. I felt unloved and so undeserving of a pure heart. My mind is such a fucked up place so as my soul. 

I have this guy friend who recently told me that I’m being too hard towards myself. Sometimes ideas overflow when alcohol is dominating our system and that drunken conversation despite the blurry feels actually got stuck in my mind. Maybe I am not that bad.  Maybe I deserve to fall in love again and pretty much puzzled those broken pieces of my China heart.  Maybe… just maybe. Maybe this time I can straighten things out and start all over again. Maybe I started to care and that scares me for it can be a beginning of something else. Am I feeling something?  Yes.  There might be butterflies but it didn’t run amuck inside. It’s not even love. It’s something new and I can’t even define it. It’s there but it’s not where my life revolves. It’s there, it exists and I acknowledged it but what’s that feeling  then?

I don’t feel like dying today unlike those days when I wish loneliness was never a feeling people feel. It’s like a regular kind of day when I wish to fast forward it to my soon to be best days. I made stupid decisions — what else is new?  I wanted to save more money to fulfill my wants and probably it can buy me experience that will make me sort out my life. Bottom line, I’m still fucked up as of this writing despite the will to change my life course. 

I started to over think my reactions and tried to over think more of what’s going on. I started to panic when a friend told me that I’m so dense not to see that my closest friend right now is into me. I don’t believe it at first until I started to rehash everything from day one.  It’s not that easy as it seems especially if we’re talking about feelings.  It’s complicated because he’s in a relationship. I hate it when people suggest and you tend to think about it until confusion starts.  I  got confused I must admit but I went back to the time when I used to feel the magic. The stone cold heart I have started to warm up but all of the things I’m feeling is all new.  It’s not what I’ve felt before so it’s harder to define and it’s something I cannot explain. 

People come into our lives for a reason, some may go fast and some choose to imprint our souls. Maybe the recent things happened for me to feel a little bit more of a human being. I feel better, wiser and stronger. I may have been confused and partly swayed by the thoughts but I know for sure that I don’t deserve to be just anyone’s third party and that I too deserve to be happy in God’s perfect time.  All I need is to be honest on everything that I feel and instead of escaping, it would be better to face it no matter how painful the results can be. Life is all about perfect timing and I might need to ask for more patience to wait and just enjoy what I have as of the moment. 

And to that friend of mine who I love to tease, thanks for being one of the person whom I know will always have my back no matter what.  I’ll stick to what I said, I won’t be another skinny lover who’s afraid to tell the world of what she feels.  If that time comes you’ll be the first to know.  For now, I’m happy of our friendship and thanks for doing an extra mile of saving it when I’ve decided to not bother at all. 

Life comes with extra feels and sometimes you just let life be life and not expect too much because what’s meant to happen will happen whether we like it or not. 

Learn, always.  

Never stick to a skinny kind of love when you can put your heart on your sleeve and love fully. 

We all deserve love, in time. 

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Posted by on July 5, 2017 in personal

 

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How it has been so far?

I wanted to control my urge to write but I guess some feelings need to be vent out again for me to feel a little better.

I cut my hair recently.

I unfollowed my ex-friend in Tumblr.

I stopped caring.

Life was a bit simpler this past week and I can say I am back to my old sarcastic and half-witty self. I can now manage to see him without the desire to strangle him and scream what is wrong but I am actually still have my mood swings once in a while. I am still taming my monster side. Just when I thought I am able to manage my anger very well… oh yeah, I am back to square one. I am still my old self. 😲

I hate being mad because things become disastrous. I cannot stop myself from yelling or screaming or I have no idea what I can actually do. I actually prefer to cry instead of throwing something towards that person. I also walk away before I can hurt anyone. Anger does more harm than good.

I must admit I miss him but I am still wondering on the root cause of the sudden change in behavior. I have theories in mind but it won’t lead me into a concrete reason why he became indifferent. I asked myself, is it something I said? The text? What? I won’t assume that he loves me and plainly being confused or assume that he hates me because we are able to text each other after. He knows how I hate bullshit stuff and what he’s doing to me is actually bullshit at its finest. I can deal with the harsh truth than be stuck in a limbo of assumptions.

I was fighting for my feelings. I am shrugging it off because I fear rejection and commitment. I fear the pain that love brings. I fear too much attachment only to realized I lured myself into my own grave. I brought my fears into life and I am battling it right now. He was not my ideal guy but he complimented my brains and made me trust someone completely which rarely happens by the way. I got trust issues but with him I can be my ugly wasted self without caring what he might think of me. I am now writing this part with a heavy heart because I miss my bestfriend. I miss the random talks, foodtrips and laughtrips. It is so hard to be alright and accept that our friendship ended with a big question mark.

My pride tells me to stop reaching out and let things happen as they are meant to happen. I stopped chasing for answers and instead set a stupid timeline. I give you the space you wanted. I realized that I can actually survive without you. You know that feeling when you wanted to share a story and you are the first one who comes into my mind? I wanted to share it to you then we will laugh and forget about the stress we feel at work. I badly control myself not to ping you because my pride tells me that if you want to really talk to me you could have pinged me already weeks ago but you did not. You choose not to and I choose to let go.

I just think it is still unfair of you not telling me though. I guess I am not even worth an explanation.

I shrugged off my feelings because I still cling into that idea that maybe I will find someone who is as hot like Doug Kramer, as smart as Marc Nelson, as God-fearing as Paul Soriano, as cool as Drew Arellano, as handsome as Marlon Stockinger and as amazing as my father. I got this high standards when it comes to relationship only to realize that I have been shrugging my feelings for someone who is not even close to my ideals but complimented me in ways I can no longer explain. You are indeed my greatest nightmare dressed like a daydream. You are so much to take in. I wanted a man but I got a 30-year old boy who still does not know what he really wants in life. I know I deserve someone better as what our friends say but I still empathize with you. I fear your fears. I fear commitment. I fear being attached to you and be in an actual relationship because I am so afraid of your world. I do not know how to fit into it when I am the laidback type. I am low maintenance and the simple things can actually make me happy. I know our financial status is way different since I am the heir of my family’s financial problems. I grew up rich and suffered bankruptcy when I was 19. Life was never easy back then. I had my own issues to fix and my pride tells me that I need to be established first. I seek for a long term relationship. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with someone and not just enter into something half-baked. I prayed for that moment. I prayed hard.

We need to probably sort things out while we are sober and be honest about our fears and feelings. We cannot totally escape this by not talking and pretending one does not exist. I want to give the space you wanted before I totally confront you. This ain’t cool in dealing with life issues. I will never attain the peace I wanted with a hanging chapter in my life.

It’s still a blurry path to the unknown. Work exhausts me and I cannot help but displaced my anger to my supervisor who keeps on nagging us. I want to actually be blunt and just tell him that his ideas are sometimes stupid. I got raging hormones to deal with each day and I do not f*ckingly know how to be chill except of course if I choose to walk away and eat out at dawn alone. I need a break.

That’s it.

😤😥😧

 
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Posted by on August 11, 2015 in life

 

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Let Me Write What I Feel.

I guess I am always a universe full of secrets. I have been this way since time immemorial. To be honest, I am not the one who shows her feelings because I have been building walls for years already. I am not the type who jumps into relationship for the sake of having one. I am not the reckless kid who gets drunk and have sex with random strangers just because you only lived once. I am not the typical lady. I am not even a lady. I don’t wear make up, I don’t wear dresses, I don’t date… I don’t fucking care.

I have been like this and I am embracing this personality inch by inch. I like who I am, I like who I become.

I am independent. I can manage to be alone in a coffee shop without feeling lonely. I watch movies I want to watch whether I am with friends or alone. I can be with group of people, in a crowd or alone. I am comfortable whenever and wherever I want to be.

I have been lost, been blabbing about it already for years. This quarter life thingy is really getting into my nerves. I mean, I have planned my life so hard, but voila I am not even an inch where I want to be. I feel like a complete f*cked up. I graduated with a great bachelor’s degree then took up my master’s degree for nothing. Errrr…. still a complete dope.

I cannot forgive myself because I let my guards down. I never give in to stupid gestures. I always believed I am heartless. I remembered the last time I had someone in my life. I think like a man, I hate complications. I hate bullshits. I want you to tell me straight if you like me or not so that I can just do the band aid pull if I am not interested. Please cut off the stares, the chummy smiles… it makes me nauseous. I don’t even have a tinge of romance in my system. I have been like this for almost a decade. I feel sick whenever I get involved or almost involved with someone who is interested in me. After my heart got broken, torn into pieces I decided to pick myself up slowly. I decided not to let my guards down anymore because I know I will just end up alone again. Now, here I am facing the worst thing that have happened to myself, being sweet (just saying that word made me cringe). God. HELP!

I drunk text my bestfriend something 2 Sundays ago.

I told him to take care and text me once he’s home because he freaks me out sometimes especially when he’s driving drunk and alone. I stupidly texted him stuff that make me want to die after I read those text thread 3 days after. I honestly did not dare to look at our conversations after I woke up Monday morning. I was scared. I do crazy things when I am drunk. I am careless, reckless… totally crazy. I feel happy and free and I know I got totally wasted that night. I tried to be normal though. I don’t want to be affected but things actually changed between us. He seems to be cold, a little distant that I don’t actually understand. It was awkward.

I tried to reach out, still trying to be normal but he’s not. I then wonder what seems to be the problem so I decided to check the thread of text messages that we have that night.

OH GOD. LORD. OH GOD. 

I was screaming inside. I was hysterical. I am horrified.

OH GOD. LORD. OH GOD. 

Those are the words I kept on uttering as I lie in my bed, hands over my face, trying to hide from the hideous memories.

I even called him “LAB” (that “buki” endearment).

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, I AM SO SORRY!

This ain’t chill you know. I don’t do shit like this. I am cold, so cold even a polar bear can live in my heart. I mean I do have feelings for him but I let it grow in the darkest corners of my cerebral system. Yes, I write about him but still I cannot believe I am finally showing it. I mean I am not good at this stuff because I am not used to being chummy but I don’t know. I detached myself if things get too complicated. I already heard him say those three words but I never believed it. I was never awkward. Tang ina, who would believe a drunk person?

Awkward tayo? Ba’t ganun? Hindi ko gets!

So there, I have been freaking out for the past few days. I even took the courage to ask him what could have been wrong, why the sudden change and he said he just got lots of problems to deal with. eh di wow! Seriously?

I don’t want to believe you though. I know I am part of the problem. I just don’t get it. I mean what you’re doing to me right now is a bit unfair. You start to be distant and cold. You make me feel like I have a disease or something. You make me feel like I am not even worthy to be love. The moment you became cold, I get it. You don’t love me. You made me feel so hideous and that hurts you know. It hurts to accept the fact that yes, I broken some walls I build for years to a love that crushed me back into pieces. If you want space, then tell me. You don’t keep people hanging somewhere trying to decipher what the hell is wrong. I am not stupid.

You broke my ego. You broke my heart. 

I just cannot believe you are so willing to let go of our friendship that easily by shutting me off your life. FINE.

 
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Posted by on July 28, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Just Because…

Finally, I decided to write before I totally explode.

I feel a little sad, kinda depressed or maybe just a bit lonely… I can also blame the rainy weather for the past two days that actually heightens my emo side. I have no idea where all of these are coming from but nevertheless, I can feel my heart wallowing into the most painful emotions I can ever imagine. First, I am totally frustrated. Honestly, after graduation I hear a lot of comments from friends even teachers and mentors why I did not graduate with honors when I actually deserved it. Usually I smile and tell them that it’s just how it is. I am stupid in accounting and I did not make it — plain and simple. I get so tired rehashing all the things in my academic life so I rather blame myself from being incompetent when in reality I know I am not. I brushed it off because I don’t think it would be healthy for me to continuously talk about what have happened. I already said my piece before and I don’t want to be bitter anymore. I shed tears no one could ever imagined, I don’t talk about it, I just let it die like other issues life has to offer but I guess you cannot just remove the stain so easily. If I will just be real, I guess I have been whining and ranting but I am simply controlling myself. I feel so bad when I know how I too exerted effort to make ends meet in my graduate school life. I have achieved a lot only to fail in the end but I accepted that truth, even the best fall down sometimes.

Also, this being single is getting off my nerves lately. Is it just me or my raging hormones trying to control me again or probably another shitty jealousy with someone? I don’t care but I just want to say my piece. I am frustrated with my situation. It’s been months or should I say years of fighting, of constantly trying to escape from this feelings… of letting go and of hurting. How stupid can I actually get? I am aware that I am actually stupid and that what I am doing is stupid and that texting him is actually stupid and waiting for him to say those words again is actually stupid. No matter how I wallow and rant on why am I not even worth the words I know I will end up with nothing. It’s like my insecurities are boosted when I know I can’t be like her girl friends who can actually be her wife because they do the same shits and I am boring with all the degrees I have and me trying to be just nice. I am not a prude but I left something for myself, a little dignity — but I don’t think it’s cool. Anyways, this is my complicated shitty love life I am trying to escape from for years. It’s like I’m the best example of friendzoned at its finest. I found myself attracted to another guy yet he’s married and the idea of really pursuing this crush thing sickens me to death. It’s pathetic, I am more than that even know I find his mind a little interesting and the way he looks at me makes me actually wonder what’s running in his mind. I enjoy his company and I know he feels the same way with me yet we all know our limits. It was so easy to let go because I know there’ll be no chance for us so I go back again to the one I loved and again feel the hurt of being not enough. This is so not me. The feelings changed me into someone who looks out for another human being and putting him as one of my priorities. It scares me but just like drugs, I am drawn to him even if I know it’s bad. I know that eventually he’ll just hurt me. I know that in the end he’ll just tell me we’re just friends and then what’s next? I’ll have my own pity party and be wasted. No degree of whatsoever can actually find me love!!! I always ask myself… am I not enough? I am not a lawyer, a doctor, a super model, a pretty lady with a 36-24-36 vital statistics and definitely not like Georgina Wilson or any celebrity she’s crushing on. I am just myself — and I guess it will never be enough.

Life is a little shitty nowadays and I actually want to cry. I don’t know when will my problems end or as if it will ever end. Family issues to deal with. Career that is now a little bit stable but some process really gets into my nerves as well and I just want to scream all the way telling people to stop trying so hard to be great leaders when in fact, they are creating a chaotic environment. Holy guacamole! I hope you’ll realized  that some of you guys seriously need some refresher on right way to lead.

That’s my May weather thoughts and I know that I will regret blogging this again when my hormones become stable but nevertheless I will not delete this just because I am a coward. Read it people. Read it friends. This is me, I am a universe full of unsaid emotions and thoughts. Welcome to my world… my pains, my frustrations and my reality.

This is how my story goes on video…

P.S.: Don’t pity me. I will survive this mess so just pray for me instead. 🙂

 
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Posted by on May 3, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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The Love Surge.

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I don’t want to be geeky today except I decided to be a little cheesy before I start reviewing for my comprehensive exams. I know I am slacking off right now just because my thoughts are actually bothering me big time. Here’s what I’ve been up to for the past hour, thinking of finally quitting my job before the year ends to rediscover the world, to be who I wanted to be… as what I have always dream of except that in the deepest corners of my heart lies that truth, I just cannot go and leave my daily routine for a lot of reasons and that reason is… YOU.

I don’t want to write about you.

I don’t want the world to know about you.

But I can’t help it… you are the strongest force that is currently inside me,  you are whirling around in my mind like an insane typhoon daunting people and your magnitude is too high that my heart can be shattered into pieces. You are one strong force that actually changed the course of my life.

You are the best and can be the worst thing ever happened to me.

You.

You.

You and your craziness.

You and your weirdness.

You.

You make me write in reasons I actually don’t know.

You just make me write, make me rekindle back my old high school self who is inlove with sheer poetry.

You make me see things beautifully, always on a lighter note.

You don’t know how life changing you can be, you don’t know how an independent and free-spirited kid suddenly thrived into you. I don’t know what happened but this crazy force is totally gives me a certain high. You, my friend made me believe in love all over again. You made me start over again. You made me whole again after 12 years of not believing, of hoping, of hating… You and only  a crazy guy like you made me fix my shit and believe in forever once more.

I see a kid, young, lost and free in your eyes. I don’t know what is running in your mind when you look at me because I am a complete shit whose life I cannot even fix asap. I am running in circles, stuck in this world, contemplating about my life and simply not knowing where to start. I hope you learn to love this young girl who despite the challenges she is facing is still smiling. I hope you will see that this girl wants to have someone who will save her from her own wilderness, together they will save the world – they will save each other.

You.

I want you to be with me in this crazy life. Us, watching the sunset together arguing what food to eat. Us, running around like kids and finishing each other sentences. Us, believing in each other’s prowess and loving life like we used to. Together, we can be a great team. If you only know how much I love you. You know how I put  up all the walls  and be strong for all these years but you make me think twice most of the time. With you, I feel real, I can be myself comfortably except for those times when I am with your friends and I feel so awkward I prayed that the world will just eat me alive. You made me feel all the emotions I never felt before. You are the greatest if not the best feeling I have ever felt before.

Let me daydream for a while.

Let me believe that this is a great chance for me to be happy.

Let me believe that we have a future.

Let me hold on to this daydream before I decide to let go of the present and start my life all over again away from my daily routine… a fresh start, without the people I used to have in my life, without the work I have since graduation, without the life I choose to live.

Let me decide this time as wisely as possible… to hold on or to finally let go.

I want you to be the influential person who can change the course of my life

 
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Posted by on March 15, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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What If?

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Pic from: http://www.bustle.com/articles/36391-17-of-the-most-romantic-if-i-stay-quotes-we-need-to-see-in-the-film/image/36391

While watching If I Stay, I felt my heart being squeezed multiple times. I am sad on what have happened to the almost perfect family. Rarely can we find a family who’s so cool and chill, rarely can we find a complete family living happily in this modern world and rarely can we find a family who goes out for road trips just to have quality time together. No matter how beautiful things can be in this world shit really do happens, all of a sudden we find our lives twisted by fate. Everything becomes too different and we have no other choice but to accept no matter how great or painful that change can be.

We are all victims of fate, of chances, of choices, of circumstances…

I understood all that in my head, but I still didn’t believe it in my heart.”
Gayle Forman, If I Stay

Random thoughts flooding my mind as I watched the movie, what if one day it’ll also happen to me? What if I encountered an accident that will change my life?  What if I won’t survive?  Who will make me stay when I already lose the people I value the most — my family?

“Losing me will hurt; it will be the kind of pain that won’t feel real at first, and when it does, it will take her (his) breath away.
Gayle Forman, If I Stay

Then I remembered you, the Adam of my life.

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http://ilariatrinca.tumblr.com/post/97427896011/if-you-live-or-if-you-die-its-all-up-to-you

I then asked myself, what will be your life without me in it?  Will you lock yourself again in your room and be alone for weeks? Will you sing me a song on my deathbed? Will you bring me tequila while I’m struggling between staying or leaving this world full of giant bull craps?  I’m imagining you without me in it. Damn, that’s so terrible. Aha, no crazy friend you can spend an hour with, no one to argue with, no one to share work secrets and frustrations… no Shao in your world anymore.

I won’t deny to this but I’ve wanted to die multiple times already especially during my darkest days. I wanted to be with Dad, to be able to find comfort in his arms again and to finally find peace but I guess despite my longing to my father I still have reasons to live. I still want to live in this big fat gigantic stinking messy chaotic world. I still want to live because it’s beautiful to live and it’s more beautiful to live if you know you’re living for others. I want to live my life partly for my dreams and for you because I’m happy whenever I’m with you. Life’s less stressful, less daunting.

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http://ilariatrinca.tumblr.com/post/97427896011/if-you-live-or-if-you-die-its-all-up-to-you

I found this beautiful poem online that summarizes what I feel about someone while I’m working on this post.

A Pretty Sight

You said you weren’t that much of a pretty sight
I’ll tell you now
How wrong you were
And how I am right.

The pretty light that shines
In your eyes when you look up
Exceeds the sun a thousand times
And warms my heart, you buttercup.

The profoundness of your smile
Scares me to the bone
Because it’s all I want and need
And deprivation makes loneliness known. 

Your hands make you a wizard
For they draw my heart so near
And to love you is to lose you
Is now my one spell of fear. 

Pretty is so wrong a word
For a person whose heart is undeterred
Who owns the swift grace of a hummingbird. 

You said you weren’t that much of a pretty sight
I’ll tell you now
How wrong you were
And how I am right. 

You’re no pretty sight to me
For beauty, that is all I see.

Anonymous

Because in this lifetime, we’ll find that one person that will make us live no matter what. I guess I’ve found mine.

(“3 Little Things by Jason Mraz is on the background as I write this blog post ❤❤❤)

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Got the pic from: http://www.bustle.com/articles/36391-17-of-the-most-romantic-if-i-stay-quotes-we-need-to-see-in-the-film

“Sometimes you make choices in life and sometimes choices make you.”
Gayle Forman, If I Stay

I always say that I like my choices and wherever I am right now, I thank God for guiding me all the way.

 
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Posted by on September 14, 2014 in life

 

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Status: It’s Complicated

Love  according to Merriam Webster is
a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties
(2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers
(3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests

and Romance is defined as
intransitive verb
1 : to exaggerate or invent detail or incident
2 : to entertain romantic thoughts or ideas

transitive verb
1 : to try to influence or curry favor with especially by lavishing personal attention, gifts, or flattery
2 : to carry on a love affair with

————————————–

It’s the time of the week again that I feel like talking and writing my opinions before I’m  drowned with my thoughts.

I’ve got lots of stuffs to do such as to read our books for my graduate studies, learn the basics of accounting and that desire to drink cocktails.

I’m stressed out because my emotions suck this past few days. I have questions longing to be asked since time immemorial. I want someone to explain to me why things didn’t work out. I want to get out of this crappy mess I’m involved with.

If only I knew…

Anyways, it’s either real or false reality.

It sucks to be the good friend when in fact you’re hurting big time. It hurts so bad you just want to disappear into the nothingness or maybe hit your head so hard you forget everything and no single emotions left.

It double sucks (if that’s even a word ) if you offer the advice they need when you’re the one swallowing your pride because it’s also the love you fuckin wanted from the start.

If only I can fall out of love but I can’t. No matter how hard I fight it… I just can’t. He knows I’ll always stay and that I’ll choose him over and over because he makes me happy in a non – chalant way. He accepted me for who I am and for who I am not. He makes me write like I never wrote before. He’s not the typical guy. He was heaven sent.

Love is a choice.

You cannot just sleep then wake up one day as if you haven’t feel anything at all. Love is accepting him for who he is despite his vices. Love is that warm feeling you feel when he smiles at you and that connection whenever you talk. It’s how our eyes gleam when we’re so engage in our conversations about life, work and family. It’s how we were that I just can’t forget. You made me believe that it’s all worth a second try… that you can be my prince charming. You’ll always be my “2012”

The Decision.

It’s about time I fight for my own happiness. I need to stay away from the girl even if I valued her as my friend. I’m not staying away because I’m guilty but I want to save myself from hurting over and over again. I’m crushed, wrecked and torn. I don’t want to see her so giddy because of you. I don’t want to see her so hopeful. I hate hearing her love shenanigans. Knowing the guy so well, he deserves more than a lost girl whom I know is a good person despite the loud mouth and her vices. She romanticize things because she’s the type who believes that every boy who hits on her is a potential prince charming. She ends up being hurt over and over.

I’m not like her.

I am strong willed, crazy, witty and the non-conformist. I don’t easily get swayed by sweet gestures or at least doesn’t show it. I don’t drink and kiss then prolly have sex with someone I barely new. I know the things I believed in, my convictions, my principles that are so traditional but I do not just take it for granted. I value myself and I’m doing everything that I can for my name not to be stained. I never begged for love and it’s so hard to tell him that I love him.

I do love him.

I don’t know where it all started. I fell in-between our laughters, our own moments and how sweet you can actually be without even trying. I fell because you cared too well. I don’t know what or how or whatever.

I just fell.

You became a part of me and I choose to be just your friend. I admit that I get jealous. I get jealous when I knew you’re together because I knew how much she loves you. I love you so much I just don’t know if you love me as well. I’ll not assume unless it’s stated even though I can feel it.

I know you like me.

I know you value me.

I hope you’ll choose me.  😦

It’s Complicated.

He values what she feels if ever we’ll be together.
He cares that we’re friends.

It’s so complicated.

 
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Posted by on December 19, 2013 in journal, life, Life Blog

 

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