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Dear Future Love

Sometimes I wonder how it feels to love and be love in return. I decided to write my future love a letter as I start to daydream my future lovelife. This idea is actually no longer original because you get to see some letters like these in the internet. Oh well. Without further ado, here’s my version of it.

Dear Future Love,

How are you? 

I do not know if I met you already or our meetup is yet to be but I want you to know that I am longing to meet you. I am so eager to know who this guy will be. Despite of me being too negative on love, I would admit that I still long for a happy ending. I hope you will understand me for being such a cold hearted person and too guarded, it is not because I am mean, strong and ruthless but it is because I have given my all to people who did not bother to love me as much as I love them. I need to protect myself.

I hope you are different.

I hope you will get to know me more and not settle on what you are seeing. I assure you I am more than that. I am not intimidating. I am not serious. I am definitely crazy. I hope you won’t go away after seeing me in my depressed state because you cannot handle an emotional woman. I hope you will see me more than the image I project. I am not strong and independent all the time. I want someone to take care of me when I start to get tired of my life. I am also vulnerable. I just need to guard myself from the wrong people and I hope you won’t give up after we first meet. I have been through a lot of emotional rollercoaster rides and I cannot afford to be broken anymore. 

I hope during my dark days, you will hold my hand and tell me that we will both fight my demons. You will listen to all of my whines and bear my closed mindedness during this time. You will let me have my own personal space when I need more time alone because people like me needs space once in a while. I need to go somewhere alone to refresh my mind and to feel that I am alive. If you like to travel, we can go to beautiful places and create great memories. If you are not outgoing, then we can read books on rainy afternoons while sipping chamomile tea and smiling at each other across the sofa. I can be the best of both worlds, my love. Perks of being an ambivert. 

You should not be perfect. I do not require you to be handsome despite my inner desire to have beautiful children. I only require you to be patient and open. I want you to share your thoughts. I want you to tell me everything that bothers you. I want to be with you in everything because a relationship is not about who is the better partner, it is about outgrowing your fears and insecurities together. It is about complementing and bringing the best out of each other. Relationship without growth is pointless, it should be a never ending learning process and self discovery. It is about having someone who will inspire you to live because life with him is worth living. You are worth living future love. I will live today because I am too excited to realize everything written here with you. I am dying to meet you. I am dying for God’s perfect timing. I hope we will realize it too soon.

I do not know who you are, what your job is and your background right now but I hope I will fall for your mind.  I am always attracted to people who are smart, humble and kind. I do not know how we will start our relationship but I hope it will be magical. All my life I wanted to give myself to someone who actually understands me and I hope I will know that you are the one. Butterflies. You give me butterflies… tons and tons of butterflies inside my stomach. 

There will be arguments once in a while but I hope it won’t last for days. I promise to lower my pride and weigh everything. I will apologize if I get to hurt you. I want us to meet halfway all the time especially in making decisions. It needs to be beneficial for both of us and if not then it should be the lesser evil. I want us to be partners in everything. In our relationship, communication is essential.

I do not know if you are fat or not but since I wanted to be healthy this time, I hope to walk or jog with you. I want us to watch sunrises together while I might be dragging you to stand up because you are too exhausted to move or maybe I will be catching up my breath because damn you run so fast. I hope those little things will keep us together. I hope you will look forward each day to see me because we will be doing something fun. Our relationship should be full of laughters and banters. We should stop the social media fuzz because we hate to feed people something or if you are the type who likes to post a lot then probably I should live with it but please no PDA on Facebook. So uncool.

I want our relationship to be intimate and private. I want us to make our relationship work. I still do not know if I will end up marrying you but I really hope so. I am the type of woman who’s in for a lifetime commitment. I won’t force you to marry me but I hope we will see the value of what we have right now and we will decide someday if we are ready to the next level. Let us talk things out. 

You see I am also not the intimate kind of girl. I am pretty much awkward on a lot of things. I have no idea if our first kiss will be romantic as I can already foresee that it might be funny or awkward. If you are the experienced one then guide me through because everything will be new to me but if you are not, good luck to us. I do not know if I am also ready to give my all to you but I hope you will understand if I say no. It is not because of you, it might be because I am just too scared. I do not know but I hope you will help me out and I really hope there are no alcoholic drinks involved. Good luck to us, again. I hope it will be memorable each time we do it but I hope too that our relationship is not governed by lust but by respect towards each other. It might be too ideal but I hope to get married first before I give you my all. 

I do not know if you like works of art and poetry but if you do I hope we can write together. If not, I hope you will watch me with sheer fascination as I write while you sip your coffee. I hope you will not judge my works and grammar slips instead correct me and share your ideas. With you my love, I will listen intently to whatever advice you have. 

I hope to meet you soon. I want to caress your head whenever you feel the tension. I want to hold your hands too tight when you are nervous and tell you that everything will be alright. I want to exchange glances if we see something odd or funny and then smile. I hope we keep on reading each other’s minds. I hope you will sneak from behind and hug me very tight. I hope you will continue to give me the hope I need to continue living because life with you is so much better. I hope what we have will last forever.

Future love, I wish I will be able to marry you and if not I hope we will end up as friends. If we will end up together I want you to know this too… My life changed when I met you because you made me believe again. You made me alive. Before I met you love wrecked me several times but you changed it all. You told me that I am the best gift God gave you and you are the answered prayer I kept on praying for years. Now that I have you, I won’t let you go anymore because when I said yes to this relationship I bid goodbye to my old self and started to embrace my better version because it is shared with you.

God should also be the center of our relationship. Let us trust him more and be grateful that our paths crossed in God’s perfect time. 

I love you my future love. I love you so much.


XOXO,

Carol 😍



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Posted by on August 6, 2017 in personal

 

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A Letter To Someone Special

Hey you my favorite chill pill,

It’s been two great years of amazing friendship. First, I would like to say thank you for all the good times, the crazy shits we’re up to, the long talks we have shared and for being there when I need you. You weren’t the perfect best friend but I like the kind of friendship we have.

Unfortunately, I fell for you.

I’m now in this crazy shit I just can’t totally escape. You’ve been part of my system I can no longer take you out. You make me happy within a numbered of days especially during those times when I wanted to end my life. With you I’m happy that’s why I’ll always wanted to be with you. I am afraid that one day you’ll leave me and what will happen to me after that? I fear to be broken again because I don’t know if I can still handle such pain. I always say that I like my choices and you are one of them. My decision to fall for you is something I never regretted, it’s just that my fears are actually haunting me. What if you can never love me?  What if our own moments are just delusions?  What if what we have is solely meant for those nights wherein we are intoxicated and not intended for our sober days ? God knows I love you too much… too much that it scares the hell out of me right now. I cannot afford losing you in my life. Our simple infinity became too complex as days pass by.

I wanted to know the truth without sounding a little demanding here. I wanted to hear something from you… words that will make or break me. I hate bullshits. I hate sugar-coated stuffs, what I want to hear is the bare-naked truth.

Do you love me?

I want to know.

I want to know what’s going on your mind each time you look at me. My fear is slowly intoxicating my system. My fear of being hurt. My fear of commitment. My fear of being alone. My fear of giving it all. I love you but I’m a little afraid to tell you as I might not hear the words I wanted to hear. They say actions speak louder than words and what we have is something beautiful but I guess I’m getting tired of not knowing, not knowing if we do have a future or not. It sucks to fall for your best friend.

My feelings are driving me nuts and I do not know where to go about it. We can still be the same though but I don’t know until when I can hide this feelings that slowly tormenting me. I’ve been into too much pain before up to that point when we started hanging out and my friend was falling for you. I never knew that you’re the one she’s inlove with at first. You kissed her and it meant a lot to her. That was the time I felt something… the first moment I realized that I love you because I felt the burning pain of having my heart totally broken for the second time. I can feel my flesh ripping off… yes that kind of pain that makes you curl into your bed wishing you’ll never ever gonna wake up but you need to, you need to pretend that you’re fine and be happy because people expect you to be — life and its double standards.

Worst, I need to be a friend to the both of you.

Unfortunately, it didn’t work out between you two. You left her miserable. You, well you did save yourself from troubles and you saved her from a relationship that leads to the unknown. Who knows what will happen next because you didn’t dare to try?  I didn’t rejoice actually except that I tried to escape, tried to shut off my emotions but I just can’t.

I did try to stop my feelings. I tried my best but I’ve realized the stronger I fight, the stronger it gets. I felt so stupid because I tried still to be a good friend offering advice. Maybe because guilt is slowly daunting me but I didn’t do something bad or maybe breaking some crazy girl rule we got from Mean Girls “not to mess with your friend’s ex ” which I don’t really give too much damn. It’s a free world though. If it’s over, it’s over. I am slowly killing myself every moment I’m consoling her. At the end of the day, I need to be a friend.

I’ll take your side because I love you and we’ve been through a lot. You’ve been a good friend, someone I can totally trust and someone that inspires me every day.

Today is a little different. I too learned from you without you knowing. My love for you made me something way beyond my means. I never have thought I can confront my past. It’s so hard to go back to the years of pain, insecurities, confusion and mysteries. The difficulties of facing and finally talking about what went wrong. I’m glad I’ve found that courage to fix what I need to fix and start over again. I’ve closed that chapter of my life with a smile knowing that I’d forgiven myself and how my past had forgiven me too. It was one beautiful ending.

Today, my urged to wrote this letter came from various reasons primarily my raging hormones, my growing jealousy on this girl whom you’re currently hanging out and whom I didn’t know you invited too in your place and lastly for the sake of blogging what it needs to be blogged because I cannot contain what I feel and my thoughts are plainly too loud. I find her annoying because I don’t know where her sense of humor came from. She likes to talk for the sake of talking and her way of fun is too mimic you or insult you which I really find pathetic and childish purely a waste of time. They say you’re pretty but I don’t really have a concrete opinion on that maybe because I don’t find you pretty except for certain angles. Anyways who am I to judge her right?  I cannot dictate you to stop mingling with her knowing that you seem to be fond of her. Well, those facts I learn to accept.

I apologize for not being a hypocrite. I cannot be like before. I am no longer the martyr who’ll offer her hearty advice even if her own words are actually stabbing her to hell. I cannot afford to sit with you two pretending I don’t know what’s actually going on when my gut feel is really really strong. I apologize for being too observant. Maybe some of my hypotheses were wrong, maybe you’re just friends whatever. I cannot stand here and being with you two won’t do me well either. You see, you’re not my best friend anymore. I have feelings for you and if you don’t have feelings for me better yet let’s take some time off. You know how I can easily shut people off. I may be the cheerful and friendly kid you may know but I need to protect myself from the torments of this story. Our story.

I need to do what’s right for me even if hurts.

I rather be alone during lunch than be with you and her on the same table pretending to be great friends. I won’t let myself be lured into that kind of set up again. I’m sorry.

Always,

S C L

 
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Posted by on June 17, 2014 in journal

 

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04.06.2014

Dear God,

It’s been 4 months since the last time I write in my journal. I actually miss writing to you, sharing my thoughts about how I feel and telling you about everything.

I woke up at 3am with the urge to write just to say thank you. I always say thank you for all the good and bad things that happened to me. Who and where I am right now is a product of a beautiful past. At first, I don’t understand why it should happen to me. I’ve been always asking to the point of blaming you for all the pain I’ve felt. I guess it’s about time to close that chapter I left open for almost a decade.

I’m definitely sure that in order for me to totally move forward is to finally know the truth.  It’s one brave act to go back to the past and finally slam and lock the door.

Today, I’m pretty much sure of my feelings. I love someone for the past year and whether we’ll end up together or not, I’m happy he became a part of my life. He helped me unconsciously in fixing my broken parts. He made me happy when I’m about to give up. He has issues, some are vices that scare me and are hindering my decision to finally give it a shot.

You know how much I pray God. You know how much I write about my prayers before. I know you know how much I want him to conquer his demons.  I want him to change but I don’t want to force it either. I accepted him for who he is and I know he knows the consequences of what he’s doing today. I don’t want to be like a mother who’ll constantly remind him of what’s right and what’s wrong. I want to be his partner, someone who’ll be with him no matter what. Together, we’ll fight those demons. If he only knew how happy I am tonight knowing that at 3 am he’s not wasted. I pray he’ll finally get over this kind of lifestyle.

God, thanks for everything. Thank you for your love and guidance as I was able to survive life’s challenges for 24 years. I never valued money until I got nothing. I never had the chance to get to know my dad for long. My life is a little bit dysfunctional. I have lots and lots of questions but I dread the answers. Whatever.

Anyhoo, thanks again. I apologize for those days when I questioned your will. Your plans are way better than mine. All I need is to be positive. Life’s not actually perfect but I’m definitely happy today because my God didn’t give up on me.  When I’m in pain and things don’t go my way, I always tell myself that someday it’ll all make sense.

Love,

Carol ❤

 
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Posted by on April 6, 2014 in inspirational, journal, life, writing

 

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07/17 – Day 237: Letter to My 22 Year Old Self

After reading the May edition of Cosmopolitan wherein Leah Salonga, Eugene Domingo, Joey Mead and all other fearless women wrote a letter to their old selves, I realized that it’s better if I have my own version of it too.

Let me share to you a paragraph of what I have written for myself.

Dear 22 Year Old Me,

As time passes by, you should thank God for what have happened in your life. It’s been a decade and who you are today is a product of what have happened in the past.

I was able to face adversity with a strong heart. I was able to surpass conflicts successfully and realized that I am indeed strong and patient. I tried to understand the situation first, weighing the pros and cons before acting based on my emotions which can sometimes be disastrous. Rage and revenge will never be the best solution to problems and conflicts. I find people who trash talk others without any evidence at all as douchebags and pathetic who simply waste my time and energy. I don’t need to explain the real score about me, where I came from and my life all over again. I don’t give a damn as I know the truth.

I am 22 and still egocentric. At least, I am honest to myself.

I am lost.

I don’t know who I will be 10 years from now or if I will still be alive by then but no matter what, I just simply want to enjoy what life has to offer. May the darkness, lost in the labyrinth kind of life I have today will make sense in the future which I know it will be.

I may be happy with what I turned out to be but I am still scared of the future. I may whine about my love-hate relationship with my job but I know it’s likeable and tolerable somehow. Well, at least I get to pretend that I like it everyday just to set my mind to work and be the best that I can be. I motivate myself rather than sulk into miseries and feel so hopeless. I long for the day that I’ll do the job that I really dreamed about and will surely love. I pray for that day and what I can do right now is be the best that I can be right now so that I’ll end up with no regrets at all.

What I know is that I am meant to for something greater but I don’t know what that something is. I hope my long wait will be over soon. I know it will as God will always be on my side no matter what.You know you are a tough young woman, a dreamer, a go-getter and never gives up. You are always game for challenges and adventures. You never cease to dream and make the best version of yourself. You always contemplate on things and thank God for everything. You hate the routine life. You are laidback and simple. At 22, you have dreams waiting to be fulfilled.

Please don’t forget you’re still young.
I know you worry about something and that is to waste your life doing something insignificant.

Learn to live your life one step at time. Just enjoy it!

“Life goes on.
Life is a series of events that shape you into who you wanted to be.
God is there.
God will always be there .
Trust in his power and embrace each struggles whole – heartedly.
Live with faith and love.
Embrace your awesomeness!”

Love,

22 year old — Carol 🙂

 
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Posted by on July 29, 2012 in people

 

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