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Midshift and The Rain is Falling.

There are those moments in our lives that stimulates our artistic side, the side that we choose to hide from people that may judge you and the side that we usually hate because it makes you feel vulnerable. Admit it, you have that side.

Tonight, I feel that urge to write my thoughts. I rarely feel it when I’m being swamped with work. Valentines is over and done — thank God. I’m always that girl, the girl who is just so awkward during first meet up.

(First sip of coffee )…

I can taste the caffeine in my lips. Bitter just like my old self. Years have gone by and I’ve outgrown my bitterness on love. Despite the strong aura I emit, the inner desire to find someone who can tame my craziness is something I regularly fight. I keep on telling myself that reality bites and there is no such thing as prince in shining armor that will come to kiss me and save me from the evil world. I only got myself — no more, no less.

( Second sip.. )

Life’s too short to feel bad if things won’t go my way.  It never goes my way most of the time so I better get used to it. Recently, I felt so bad because I keep on doing the right thing only to end up not being recognize. I tried to understand everything and I did. It’s not that I want to be recognized for my hard work but I guess I deserve an acceptable reason why it turned out not the way I have expected it to be. It’s just the way it is, life’s not fair for the nth time Carol so better deal with it.

( Third sip…)

Travel.

I’m daydreaming too much lately planning out my next trips each month to new places.  I did not make any new year’s resolutions this year so better decide to do something spontaneous and start my own travel blog. This blog is a mixture of my different sides. It’s kinda messed up but it depicts me. I’ll start to post more of my adventures and I might start on my most recent trip in the City of Love — Iloilo.  I am a believer that the Philippines is such a beautiful country and my mission in life is to unravel and share its beauty.

( Fourth moment with my cup requires me to take a gulp of its bitterness )

Dreams.

When will I learn to break free from my monotonous life?  It has been like this since I graduated college. I am inlove with a lot of things but I’m still lost on what I really wanted to do that it scares the shit out of me. I’m afraid that I may lose the time I need to fulfill my plans or maybe I’m missing a lot about life.

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  All I wanted is to be happy and fulfilled on my deathbed someday. Oh, God my merciful savior I don’t want to die sad. I still want to have a family I can call my own and this dream is actually related to the next thought that I’ll be sharing.  It requires me a surmountable amount of caffeine…  here we go.

(Fifth – sixth sip is the calm before the storm…  the caffeine is slowly kicking my brain. )

Marriage.

Err… I feel awkward but my dream job is actually to be a wedding planner. My close friend is about to get married and he sought my advice. I got nothing serious to say though I mean I cannot even find true love so why share some of my thoughts about marriage without me feeling a little miserable about the thought that I might be alone forever. I’m happy for my friend because at 31 he finally decided to settle down.

(Music is on full blast and my mind is being shaken by caffeine… on to my seventh sip from the cup)

Friends.

My best friend will be leaving the country on the 22nd. I am happy for him because it has been his dream to work in London. He sacrificed a lot and did everything that his family wanted him to do. He lives on his family’s rules and not able to decide on his own. Growing up was so tough that he is full of insecurities despite the strong demeanor that he exudes. It’s a bittersweet feeling tho on my end for I’ll lose my coffee buddy. We talked a lot about our lives, love and career all the time. I guess my weekends and afternoons will never be the same again. I know I’ll be able to manage my life on my own especially when I need a friend whom I can share anything without the fear of being judge and being blunt without the fear of being misunderstood.  Oh well.

( After gazillion sips on my cup… )

Love.

Hey you future partner. I’m waiting for you still.  Whoever you are, wherever you may be I’m still here.  I’m no longer broken but the fixed parts felt so empty.  I can still feel the scars but the memories are no longer painful. I endured a lot for the past years but instead of falling into the pitfall of despair I rose above it all feeling confident that with God, everything will be alright.  I know he hears what my heart desires but everything will unfold at the right time. I’m starting to  be too impatient but I continue to remind myself that good things come to those who wait. I cannot help but ask myself if I’m good enough.  Is it me?  Am I too difficult to love?  Am I not worthy to be love?  Arrrghhhhh…  I’ve woke up into my own realities and it felt so awful knowing you’re not worth the words. I’m not worth the words after years of great friendship. I guess it’s just the way it is…  sucks. 

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Anyways, future partner may you finally find your way to me and that I wish I’m not an ass not to notice you. I guess we’ll both know if the time indeed finally come. I cannot wait for that moment when the independent woman finds his man and finally say these words… “From this moment MY life ends and OURS begin… I love you.

Now…  lunch break is over. Hello reality.

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Posted by on February 17, 2016 in journal, life, Uncategorized

 

Happy September 1st!

So I got to sort some of my issues and I am starting it right this September.

I should be happy since finally we are able to talk but I don’t get it still. I mean if someone who values friendship, why did it take him so long to reach out and fight for it? Oh yeah, it was me who tried to put closure on an issue that is not supposed to be an issue. If it was not because of me our friendship would really gone haywire without any apparent reason at all. It’s because I got a jerk friend who does not know how to deal with it. I’m still frustrated but I guess this is enough for me to realize a lot of things. I am still mad and I am trying not to be mad because he thinks it’s fix and I don’t want to be the villain in our beautiful friendship. I guess giving it another shot would be a better idea than cussing him from a far.

I should be happy because it’s fix! I mean, we are back to talking terms and that should really be great, right? C’mon! I am telling myself that this is another diary kind of moment but I refused to write about it. I refused to acknowledge the fact that we are already okay. I don’t know if he’ll be a jerk again one day telling me shits and then won’t talk to me all of a sudden. Trust — geez, you had me once but this time it’ll be different. I don’t know how to start over. I don’t know how we can rekindle those days again when I am already stained and I l know I am making a big deal out of it –really. I need to forget about what have happened. I want to forget but the problem is, I never forget things.

I guess I have changed. I mean it’s been liberating to finally speak my mind and just plainly be honest. I have been good for the past years and I tried to avoid conflict as much as possible but as we age we realized that life becomes too complicated if we sugarcoat things. Everyone deserves the truth… no more no less. It’s about being honest to ourselves and being mature enough to deal with things. I am shrugging off all the butterflies in my stomach, shrugging off my fairy tale endings, shrugging off my hopes, shrugging off my prayers, shrugging off my feelings until I see him as a man not a boy. I really want him to be a man, to be strong, to be full of conviction and to finally chase his dreams. Why is it so difficult? Why can’t he be a man? The frustration continues.

A friend told me, “what if instead of praying that he’ll be a man just help him in finding himself and in sorting his own issues in life? You are his friend in the first place. Just be there because he might need someone like you, flawed and lost just like him to survive his own demons.” — Lord… I got shallow problems I know but please lead me to the right path. 

Quoting some beautiful lines from one fellow blogger via : http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/06/a-soul-mate-is-a-mirror-we-accept-the-love-we-believe-we-deserve/

“Soul mates are mirrors to our souls. Whatever we attract is what we are putting out. When we look at the relationships we have chosen they are reflections of how we felt on the inside. Although their personalities may be very different to ours their words and actions play out and speak our deepest insecurities and fears. We allow them a place in our lives and for a time, we even believe their words.

“We accept the love we think we deserve.” ~ Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Until we wake up and recognise the truths about our selves. That we are all deserving of love. We are all a mixture of beautiful and broken. We are all an alchemical blend of darkness and light.

 

We do not need someone else to stand in front of us and tell us this. We do not need to play small in the world. We do not need to cower or dim our light or to be afraid to rise and demand our worth.

When we attract a soul mate that reflects our dark side, it is because there are things we still need to discover and accept about ourselves. They will show us where our weaknesses are, show us our faults, fears, insecurities, demons, imperfections and the relationship can be deeply painful and destructive. The light will constantly focus on areas that we need to work on and mostly the parts of us that need to heal.”

I actually do not know what step to take but I guess I’ll let it be… thy will be done.

Work makes me lose my mind.

My life is still revolving on shades of gray.

I have this feeling that I am about to have some of my prayers answered.

I want to start my BER months in a more positive note. Let’s do this!!!!

Note to self:

 
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Posted by on September 1, 2015 in 25, journal, life

 

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Enigma.

I’ve been unproductive lately.I choose to be unproductive by the way.  I think I needed some 4-day break for me to detach and sort my emotions out so that I can decide if I will be moving to a different place, probably try a new career or bum out and wait for some sort of a fairy Godmother who will lift all the curses my life have for the past few months. Nah, I’m crazy.

Seriously, I’ve been lounging at home while the rain pours down heavily on our rooftop. I can hear it while I am typing all the letters in this electronic blank space. My head is clouded with thoughts and until now ‘Day 3’ of my leave, I am still undecided on what will my next step in life would be. Maybe I will be committing grammar blunders here again because I am typing so fast as of the moment. I remembered my thoughts before I go to sleep last night. I got some issues to sort out like my pride and attitude. I have been difficult for the past few weeks. Difficult in the sense that I really make people that I don’t want to talk to feel that I don’t want to talk to them at all. My supervisor is actually one of them and yeah, I know I a bit of a challenge. I had coffee with my close friends during break time and I heard what I just said. Sometimes I am going way overboard with my mouth since it is not actually cooperating with my angelic side but I guess honesty is just too liberating. Apart from being an asshole this past few weeks, I am still delivering what is expected from me and my team.

I have been mysterious in some sort of kinda way. Maybe people think I am nice or whatever. Well, I am not. I know I am not nice. I am nice to people that are nice to me. I talk to people that I want to talk to. I respect people. I don’t judge easily. I like those that can compliment my brain but I know that I am not the nicest of all people. I am just being me. If some people ignore me, I ignore them too. Life is easy if you do what others do unto you. I am full of disgust to egocentric people and those that are just plainly trying too hard to be on top. I control my anger because I am nasty when I am in rage, good if I will just walk away and not be too hysterical of the situation.

I have been thinking deeply for the past few days if where I am is still healthy. I have dramas at home, dramas in my own life, dramas with friends and all kinds of dramas to deal with. I wanted an escape from my own comfort zone. I wanted a change of everything but it seems that there are things holding me back. Starting new can be exciting and terrifying but I realized escaping my reality will do more harm than good. I remembered crying myself to sleep last night, blame it to Spotify’s #Hugot playlist that’s full of bullshit songs I choose to listen to. I hate memories, it kills me. Just when I thought I am fine, a sudden gush of emotions filled with beautiful memories came to me. Wow, just wow.

I know I miss him so much. I realized that he’s the one I can share everything without hesitation. He can make me laugh when I am  really really mad and he can ease any tension that I feel. Now that he’s  gone,  life still goes on but with a little difficulty. It’s hard not to have that go to buddy when you are stress. I know I wanted this, I prayed for this moment that he’ll just stay away if he’ll just hurt me in the end but I guessed he still hurt me in ways I can never imagine. I still have questions in my mind, questions I wanted to ask, things to clarify and all those things I wanted to know  but I just can’t force it. I wanted to swallow my pride and reach out again but I don’t think it is right. I tried it once but he does not want me to know even if there’s really an underlying issue, I know I can sense it. People like him are just too hard to decipher when they start to zone out. I know him too well but at this point, I don’t actually understand him. I know we can just talk things out but this one’s a little bit different. I think he judged me already based on the text message which is just so unfair if that’s the case. We do crazy things when we’re intoxicated and I’ve been really crazy that night well half cray cray but then again I know the next day it’s not really sort of a big deal that is why I was still normal but he started zoning out for Chrissake! I know I have feelings but I know it’s not the right time to level it up and be on the romantic side of all things. I don’t think I am ready and he’s just too much to take in. I don’t think it’s going to work out provided he’ll still be himself. It’s fun and all those cute stuff but I am into a long term commitment kind of person, I want my first boyfriend to be my last and those principles I believed in are actually turning me into an old maid. Letting my guards down was actually fun but I know what I really want in my life… I want someone who is dependable, a man who believes in his own convictions and a man who knows what he wants. I don’t need a YOLO guy for the rest of my entire existence here on Earth. I am not being too ideal, I guess a girl has a right to know what he wants for his future husband. I know that at this point, he is not even half of that person I want to spend the rest of my life with but I must admit that I am praying and wishing that someday he’ll change. I guess I wasted my time praying and hoping.

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Maybe he was too afraid to face all the possibilities.

I don’t think being committed to someone is a good idea as of the moment (I am not sourgraping). I was not able to find anyone whom I really like with the qualities of my future husband will be. I mean I got lots of issues to face, problems to deal with and all I need is a friend — a best friend who knows me and yeah I got a lame person who shrugged me off his life leaving me alone without explaining why. Just when I thought he knew me too well, I guess I was wrong. I am not like the other girls in your past, you cannot compare me to them. Since when did I become too clingy? Maybe when I am too drunk and crazy but that’s just it. When I wake up, I am back into my old self realizing I cannot depend much on others to survive. You are another reason why I should stop trusting people. I gave you that trust I rarely give but you turned your back and left me hanging. I don’t know what you’ve been up to lately. I don’t know if you even miss me as much as I miss our long talks. I don’t know you anymore.

I know I am turning into a mad person then emo all of a sudden. I wanted to be mad — well, I have all the right to be mad. You are a coward and an asshole too. Maybe that is why we are friends but I just cannot believe that you can treat me that way. You know me, I will always understand you. I will always be here for you — not because of that crazy feelings I had but because you were my friend. You know how much I care for the people I trust, for the people I value… but even a single explanation, I was not able to get that from you. It hurts to know that I am not even worth an explanation — even a text. If you try to reach out again, do you think I’ll ignore you? No. I will still welcome you and forget all of this shits you’ve been up to. I want the truth, all I want is the truth coming from you. I rather hear the most painful truth than live my life with a beautiful lie. I want you to tell me in a sober conversation, why?

I know I will still be that difficult person to deal with after this blog entry. At 25, I feel more mature and that everyone now listens to what I say. I am no longer the young kid at work, I am now making my own name. I want to be empowered, motivated and driven in my career but as I am gearing towards that path, I become too heartless and focused. I am starting to hate myself but circumstances taught me never to trust anyone too much again.

Yeah, thanks to you by the way!

 
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Posted by on August 22, 2015 in journal, life

 

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Love Will Never Be Enough

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http://thelovewhisperer.me

Love does not make you whole, it is you who makes your life whole. ”

Relationship is a commitment between two people who are willing to go through their life complexities together.

I am old fashioned when it comes to love.

At my age right now, I am no longer interested in flings and whatsoever. I’ve never been interested in that kind of set up. I want a serious relationship ever since high school. I can be completely honest by telling those boys who’ve wanted to court me before that I’m not interested.  I don’t want them to make the effort for nothing. I know what I want and if at first it won’t work why would I let them do chivalry acts only to end up broken, that’s unfair and mean.

I would admit I’m in love right now, I cannot deny it because I’ve wrote too much about him. This blog is my personal space that stores my emotions. I know people can read it but I don’t actually care. It’s my thoughts published in an electronic sheet of paper awaiting for other people’s criticisms and judgment. Again, I don’t actually care.

Going back to love shits, I have pondered it too well. I used to rush things as I have a strong feeling we’ll work out but I’ve realized that it’s not just about emotions. Just when I thought I’m ready to commit and confess my feelings, reality slapped me. It’s not easy.

I’m not even ready for commitments. I can’t even fix my personal issues. I can’t even figure out how I will live my life because I’m just simply living in the present not caring too much about the future. I can’t even decide on what I really wanted to be. It’s a little crazy and unfair again to drag someone in my complex world even I can’t figure out. I’m fixing my past relationships for me to have that closure that I totally need. I’m slowly finding each missing pieces to complete my dreams and work on my goals. I am not ready for a relationship at all and God made me realized that. It’s crazy to pray and pray for him to realized I’m actually worth it when in fact he does not deserve someone who still has issues to be fixed.

I actually don’t know until when I’ll work on my life issues. I don’t know if he can actually wait because as I can see he too needs to do something with himself because he has issues as well. I thank God for telling me to wait, not all that I want will happen according to my plans. God has his plans for me and I’m seeking for support and guidance that he’ll help me figure out what I really want in this life. I’m working on my Master’s degree. I was recently promoted. I am still fixing my financial issues and personal dilemmas. I am slowly fixing everything for my own good, for me to be fully ready once the time comes.

Beyond that, I feel blessed and happy. I am happy despite the struggles. I am happy despite the pain I’ve endured. I am happy to have someone I can totally trust. I am happy with what God has given me.

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Posted by on November 10, 2014 in journal, life

 

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The Power of Self – Awareness

I find people amusing. Each of us has our own stories to tell, various backgrounds that mold us on who we are today and different types of personalities that make this world a little lot interesting.

I am one of those gazillions of people living on Earth today.

There are actually lots of personal battles I’m going through despite my all known positive demeanor. I might share some trivial facts about me just because I’m in the urge to blog what feel.

I’m like a coach, pushing people to be their best and learn to love what they do. Quitting was never an option to me. I don’t easily give up no matter how it’ll hurt, no matter how many times I’m subject to such rejection. I’m resilient, patient and definitely persistent.

I am hard – headed. I do things my way especially if it works for me in the past. 

I have my own biases. I don’t listen to people who for me is stupid and does not make any sense.

I am not sweet, not the affectionate kind of girl. I feel so awkward when I try to be thoughtful. I was not born in an outspoken household who confesses to the world how they love each other. I know my parents love me and I love them too but saying I love you in person is really awkward.

I am independent. I don’t like to rely on other people. I don’t like it when I’m someone else’s responsibility not that I’m proving something or whatsoever. I just don’t like that idea. I don’t want to owe anyone anything as much as possible. I want to be responsible of everything that I do because I’m also responsible of my own failure. I don’t want to blame people of my pitfalls.

In relation to me being independent is my unreasonable trust issues. You can’t just make me open up and lay all my cards in the table. Blame it to my pride in some instances but I’m just really the private type. If people starts to open up to me, I swear to God I’m really promising not to break that trust. I’m proud of the people I shared my life with as they’ve accepted me for who I am and kept my secrets guarded.

I love selflessly. Love makes me stupid, vulnerable and weak. It’s like my Achilles heel. And no matter how I tried to fight my feelings, at the end of the day I usually give in. I still pray that I’ll found someone who totally understands me and will definitely tame my independent, hard-headed and egocentric side.

Also, I tried to commit suicide multiple times but I just can’t do it. Depression drives me nuts but I’m glad that increasing my self-esteem and self-awareness really helped me a lot. I acknowledged that life will never go my way all the time. I learned that I’m not always right and that I too can be a failure. I suck at several things and instead of sulking into desperation, I just accept it and move forward.

I plan a lot. I know how I planned my life during my teenage years thus the frustration I feel today. I’m not even halfway in my bucket list. I don’t feel any sense of fulfillment at this age. Honestly, I still don’t know what I really want to happen in my life.

I took up graduate studies to learn more but here I am desperately trying my best to comprehend managerial and financial accounting. I know I’m not really into business and how stupid I am to take the risk of studying something that is actually my weakness. No wonder I’m doomed but it’s a decision I made so I’ll finished what I’ve started.

I want to travel and explore the world. It’s been my dream, to be an ambassador of something. Here I go again in trying to make this world a livable place. A constant reminder to myself:  “I’m not a superhero!”

There are things that have happened that is still not sinking into my system just like my recent promotion if you can actually call it that way. It’s not that I’m surprised or something because I know I deserved it, it’s just that I’m not really too giddy about it. It’s not something I would actually die for, just something that would feed my ego — an affirmation of my worth in the company. I never like politics so wherever I am, I know it’s hard earned. Now that I’ve reached a certain status quo, my mission is then again prove that I can be a good leader despite my own personal issues that I need to straighten out.

I am still learning more about myself. The beauty of writing my thoughts is for me to read it someday and realized that today is actually significant in my tomorrow, that maybe this lost feeling is actually just a period of transformation prepping me up for a much brighter future if not at least a better and bolder person.

If only I can turn back time, I could have tweak something in my life and that would probably my understanding on certain events. Of course, I am thankful on how things turned out to be because it made me lot better. Life’s been tough but glad that I victoriously survived all the ordeals. Today seems to be just a prelude to another challenging yet fulfilling chapter.

I yearn for that day when everything finally makes sense. When all the confusion, the pains, the weariness and the tears will actually disappear and a new wisdom about life follows. I know someone out there feels the way I do and I hope he or she won’t just give up. I’m still holding on to my faith. I trust God and his plans for me. Who am I to question his grander plan? Time is of the essence here. I trust him when he says wait and I trust him more when he says NO.

Life’s chaotic but you really need to find your zen or else you’ll lose your sanity. There are times, most of the time perhaps that I feel like I’m stuck in a hapless situation and that it sucks to pretend I’m fine when I’m actually not. I imbibed this chill persona because it made me less insane with life. I always took some moments off my daily routine such as walking or blogging to connect to my inner self. It’s a stressful world we’re all in, problems growing if left unattended, deadly deadlines to beat and the demands of people are just too much to take. It took me a while to master this zen aura though. I’m always mad as what Hulk said in Avengers but I need to control my emotions. I drew wisdom from past experiences and spent few hours contemplating. I’ve nursed my bruised ego several times and realized that someone out there is actually better than me so I just need to know myself more and find my own spotlight.

Invest only in good karma and learn to forgive because it makes life hell lot better. So that’s basically it — learn the art of self – awareness that will lead you to accept yourself in ways you never thought you can and in the end will surely boost your own self esteem making you a better person.

 
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Posted by on October 13, 2014 in inspirational, journal, life, Life Blog

 

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Can You Keep A Secret: This Ain’t A Review

I spent my Sunday reading Sophie Kinsella’s book “Can You Keep A Secret? “. I was in awe on how I am totally engrossed with it that I was able to finished it in a day. It’s not a life – changing, nerve – wracking and inspirational book, it’s just one entertaining piece of literature just perfect enough to waste my time because I feel so indifferent after having such an I – don’t – know kind of Saturday.

My Saturday sucks and I would admit I am so into the idea of drowning it away with beer or rum. Seriously, after eating rice bowl in Grill Guru, I had this crazy desire of being drunk because I have piles of miseries all waiting to be thrown away to nirvana but I choose to walk and did window shopping and spotting something to buy for the Christmas season. I had the worst score in my exam history. I now declare to the world how I hate accounting and how it depresses me. I hate how we learn accounting in graduate school wherein 80% is more on us reporting topics we are unsure about and 20% of it is our beloved teacher’s lecture which I must admit is understandable than my classmate’s boring blabs.

I guess my quest in finding myself is actually getting somewhere. I partly blame myself for my failure but I blame my accounting professor for being not a good professor. I know he’s smart and all those sorts but I just don’t find it sensible to have those students who are not even well versed to talk about accounting and expect them to effectively relay their understanding to their fellow students who has no background in accounting. For Chrissake!

Anyways, I am doomed. I already sulk into tears months back trying to figure out if I made the right decision of taking up MBA when I am a complete moron in accounting. Oh lord.

————- whatever —————

Honestly, there are lots of secrets I too keep. Just like Emma, I too have weird secrets.

1. I hate people who spells quiet as quite like cmon?! Can you guys differentiate one from the other?
2. I have secret feelings for my best pal and I don’t even know how to tell him but I believe it’ll die down soon because it’s been years and we’re not actually leveling up. It’s like yeah we care about each other, get drunk together, talk about stuffs then here I am staring into the nothingness — will this work out?  My blog posts actually revolves on him and I have a feeling he knows but glad that he pretends he’s not aware of it.
3. I actually want to confront his ex or not really his ex — whatever!  I want to be a bitch for once just like her.
4. I spy on some Facebook profiles to gather information like CIA — I pattern it quizzically. That was college.
5. My mind is actually a filthy place. I need to filter it out by using my mouth.
6. Coffee is my drug. It shoots me up…  ❤
7. I don’t do drugs. I drink a lot but I’m saying NO to drugs. It’s a promise, a principle I want to live by for the rest of my life.
8. I drink beer, rum, vodka and tequila. I keep some of the bottles in our CR where nobody can actually reached it. I actually want to try whiskey but it burns. Poor liver. I swear I’m going to change my bad habits. At least I don’t destroy my lungs.
9.  I hid myself in the closet several times when I was a kid and let my parents worry where I have been. At 5, I needed peace of mind — nah,  just want people to worry about me.
10. I hate when my mom misses the time or when she keeps on repeating things, saying it over and over again plus trying to make a conversation with no sense just for the sake of having a conversation. I know I’ve been indifferent lately but honestly I’m just scared and I don’t actually know how to deal with an aging parent. I just can’t take it. 11. How I mentally think of him and voila he finally texts me or calls me… I can’t help it, I feel so extremely giddy.
12. How I hate to be put in a very awkward situation like when I’m with guys and they start to talk about secret boy stuffs they do in the bathroom then they noticed me and then voila — awkward silence. I hate it but I always initiate to break the ice and change
the topic. Major hassle… 
13. When I don’t get those double meaning jargons … it actually frustrates me when I don’t get it. Sheeez!?!
14. I stupidly used a metal fork once to get that jammed bread in the toaster thus it electrocuted me.
15. I tried to revive a dead goldfish by resuscitation when I was in sixth grade.
16. I laughed out loud when watching horror movies especially if I’m with group of friends so as when watching love scenes.
17. I am actually horrified with the idea that he might have read my previous posts and finds out that I write about him. He might end our friendship.
18. If I find you stupid, nothing that you’ll say will matter. Whether you’re a senior, my boss or a stranger… I’ll do it my way, I don’t care what you say.
19. I hate the free coffee in our pantry, it gives me diarrhea.
20. I hate waiting. Seriously.
21. I broke my mom’s favorite Glen Miller CD and pretended that it was actually her fault she scratched it.
22. I’ve got this weird dreams about cars even though I don’t know how to drive. Yeah, someday soon I’ll buy one. Hard earned money — YES!
23. I despise people who works in a call center and promised myself not to work for one because it’s a no-brainer job but here I am almost 5 years in this industry. I really learned a lot but still I am not proud. Having a tough degree and working in a call center heightens my insecurities…  What have happened to my dreams? My plans?  My life? I am a team lead trainee with a jaded future though I’m working hard, emitting a positive demeanor, sleeping my beautiful weekends away, working on my Master’s degree yet feeling stupid in Accounting and engaging in self destructing acts that make me happy. Yeah. Welcome to my life.
24. Fudge.  I am actually getting crazier, thinking of settling down and raise a family of my own. For a person who hates commitment, it’s scary. I want my own happy ever after but yeah some bitch I mean witch might be laughing her ass out at me then post another Facebook status telling me that happy ever after does not exist in this world — maybe in mine but not in his world. I’m referring again to her ex or not really ex… Whatever who believes she’s Aurora awaken by a drunken kiss. Pathetic. I’m glad she’s busy in finding herself with God she won’t bother me anymore by her immature acts. I might lose her as a friend but I don’t really care. If she does not understand why bother?

Lastly, I’m battling depression. I don’t think I need medical attention yet because I have a feeling this will actually fade away. It’s this quarter life crisis thing. It’s when you realized that at 24 you’re going nowhere. I feel like shit. I have been an outstanding student. I never failed my parents. I never did anything stupid. My solution to this depressing situation I’m in is getting drunk or write. I also sulk in my room, listen to music and read magazines, self help books and indulge in social media. I am fully aware of my actions but life gets so frustrating I just need a breather and be with people who understands.

Nobody gets me I guess… Well not in a way I get myself of course. I’m lucky to have great sets of friends who knows how to deal with my craziness. I’m an ambivert – a mixture of an introvert and extrovert. I cherished solitude and be with people I can get along. There are times I feel like a total failure. There are times I don’t actually understand why things are bound to happen. There are times I want to confront him and ask him if he loves me because this guessing game usually makes me frustrated. I must admit I’m jealous when he’s with someone who’s eyes keep on sparkling when he talks. Jealousy — not good. Gawd, I’m imagining things and suddenly gets mad then suddenly lose my own gift of reason. I just hate it when the green-eyed monster takes over me.

I’m insane — or maybe I’m actually normal. Faith is all I need.

I don’t know.

I just hope I’ll found my own Jack Harper.

I hope I’ll finally get this mess I’m in straight.

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Via: http://Icanrelateto.com

I’ve got deadlines to beat and I’m actually hating the fact that I’ll be taking up managerial accounting next semester again. I hate dealing with 18 individuals whose personalities differ but I actually have to because I wanted to challenge myself and the company is paying me to do so. It’s actually draining me when they emit all the bad vibes in the world and I need to fuckibg absorb it. I hope they’ll feel that I’m doing everything I can for them and all I ask is cooperation. As much as I want to move mountains and let those ends meet, I cannot. Cmon… Not all the time it’ll go your way so I rather hear sighs of relief than complaints. If you keep on complaining — quit your job. We don’t need whiners. I too have issues but I won’t let it affect my life in the workplace. I know I need to brush my own personal shits and be the bigger person. I can definitely pull this act well… Must read more leadership articles and the likes.

I hate how things are actually going on with my life. I must be just stressed out or something. I hate the fact that I’m here blogging about how depressing things can be and how I hate those misspelled words that I see. I don’t actually know if someone might actually care after reading this or some random stranger might accused me of being the modern psychopath. I don’t actually know how to define what I feel. All I know is that I have deadlines and work deliverables to meet.

Oh God, help me out here. Can you just set aside some of my feelings?  Geez.

Now, this ain’t a review of a book I just recently read. It’s a blab about my awesome life at 24. Finally, after almost a month…  I had wrote something. I think I’m on a dry spell of some sort that no matter how hard I tried, I was not able to write but glad to be back on track.

And that’s how my weekend…

Oh my, Monday once again. Fudge.

 
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Posted by on October 13, 2014 in inspirational, journal, Life Blog, people

 

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Sort of.

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It has always been that way… I guess I have this unwritten mission of saving people, of making life a hell lot better and livable but not all the time though you reap what you sow. I cannot just sit there pretending I’m actually fine when I’m not — I know I’m not. I feel like a bomb wanting to explode. I cannot remember the last time I’ve stood up for what I think is right without going ballistic. I am a universe full of secrets. I know my hot buttons and yes I’m on the verge of losing it all for no logical reason. I just feel it.

I’ve realized that all this time my life revolves too much on others, of constantly understanding, of believing that life is full of good things and I’ll be setting the difference — the change the world wanted to see as per Mahatma Gandhi.

I’m just human.

I cared too much. I loved too much. I tried to fix broken parts of people and I’m lured to that nonsense. I fell for someone who does not even know how to figure his life and here I am playing dice with the Gods pushing my luck to a love with no guarantee. I’m not saying that he’s not good because he is, he’s even a great friend but he’s just not that into all those commitment shit. It’s so hard to figure him out, even harder to define what we have because it has always been his trend.

He does not commit.

When I found out that I’m actually reconsidering lots of things as I approach my quarter life dilemmas, the thought of spending my life with someone like him is equally amazing and at the same time daunting. The waiting part is so draining I can no longer figure it out. Who am I into your life? A question I always ask myself and I always get the same painful answer from the deepest recesses of my brain — FRIENDS.

Today, I felt so drained out. I feel nothing as I gazed into your eyes. It’s like giving up but still hoping things will changed. I wish you can still change and make me believe that I’m special, that you can never live normally anymore because I already made a mark in your life. I want you to feel how different your world without me in it. I tried to somehow define what we have hoping you’ll step up and treat me like nobody else. You came unexpectedly in my life and knowing how I cope with pain, I can shut you out of it. Friendship levels suck, I have lots of guy friends I can banter and taunt with. You — you changed me, my maturity levels to the point of me facing the hauntings of my past hoping that what we have can be something quite different, my own leap of faith to a world I never intended to go back to.

I’m tired.

I’m tired of constantly deciphering circumstances, of thinking why you waste your time texting me and why I also find myself replying to your random texts, of figuring out why we spend our lunches together talking about mundane stuffs, of spending random weekend nights drinking and raving like there’s no tomorrow, of sharing our own skeletons and demons without any fear of being judge. Now, tell me who am I not to fall for your attention?

You know how I hate being vulnerable. I am egocentric, a trait I am constantly battling with but a trait that made me a winner. I fight so hard, drain out my energy into something I truly believed in. I guess not all battle is worth fighting just like the battle between my mind and my feelings. I just can’t take this anymore because I’m supposed to be more than this. I deserved a man who would blatantly tell me that he can’t live without me and not someone who would like to play the guessing game until you don’t know when. It’s frustrating, devastating and depressing to give up right now especially that I have too much pressure at work and at school. I don’t actually know where to place myself in my chaotic world and all I asked for is a little redemption from the most special person in my life but he is not willing to save me.

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I’ve been too indulge by the thoughts of you that I’m missing a lot in my life. Those things we could have explored together… whatever. I’m just too busy holding on to my feelings without even realizing that letting you go would give me the chance to find a man who would actually love me and without any hesitations tell me that I’m his world. I spent my nights and days blogging about my feelings to the point that your past judge me of believing that happy ever after exist. It does not exist!  *** breaks glass

This is quite a long post, of emotions being stirred by pressure, stress and lack of sleep. I don’t know if I’ll regret whatever I blogged when I wake up later on. These are my emotions  and I cannot find the best outlet to vent it all out. I wanted to scream. All I wanted is for you to take time but it seems that my opinion no longer matters and my company became too ordinary. It’s fine.

I’m fine.

 
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Posted by on September 3, 2014 in inspirational, journal, life, Life Blog

 

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