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28 Life Realizations 

28 Life Realizations 

Honestly I’m out of words in writing my thoughts today but I need to whack my brain cells because this is not supposed to be an ordinary day for me. 

And so I’ve turned 28 today and geez I am such an oldie. Anyways, another year has been added and to celebrate my life I will write about my realizations and I hope you don’t get bored along the way because this might be one of my longest blog post. 

Let’s get started…

1. Life never cease to surprise me and this year has been crazy. There were dark days spent inside my room sulking and watching ceilings not knowing where to start over with my feelings. I tend to overthink most of the time — a trait I’m working on right now for me to be happy. I’ve learned that thinking of the future too much and possible worst case scenarios can ruin your happiness so I’ve decided to free myself from toxicities of my mind and live the “live NOW” mindset.


2. Take the craziest risks a mad person can think of as it can give you a life changing experience that you’ve never thought of. Planning a spontaneous trip alone to Manila and Masbate has been a highlight for all my travel solo escapades.  Know more about it here: https://chillerspot.wordpress.com/2017/03/25/never-have-i-ever/?preview=true

3. I realized alcohol surely never solve any problems but with great friends you’ll surely get a good hang of your sanity. Drink responsibly and learn from the wisdom of drunk people.

4. Gym selfies do not make me feel better but boxing and exercising does. When I hate how my day turns out it feels better to sweat it out.

5. I always dreamed of having a car I can call my own. I realized that if I don’t make my dream a reality nothing will actually happen so I took the risk and start being an adult with financial responsibility. This goes to my credit cards too. Whew. 

6. Never stop thanking God for the realization of our dreams and for all the challenges you faced because you are better after all of it. God answers prayers in the most craziest way and you should be thankful all the time. Have faith in him and you’ll be fine. 

7. Build a character that inspires people, build yourself to be indestructible. I realized that all these years and experiences paved way for me to become a better version of myself. I am glad of the person I turned out to be. I am secure of myself and I don’t care much about other people’s opinions towards me except of it is a constructive feedback meant for me to be better.

8. Spend your time with friends that are true and valuable. People who brings out the best in you and gives you hope to move forward each day. These are people that you can rely on during the times that you will fall and they’ll never leave you when life gets too rough and too tough. I’m missing some folks in the pictures but you know who you guys are. 

9. I realized that life is too short to drink crappy coffee. You deserve the best coffee if you want to be happy while alone and daydreaming. 

10. In this life, our faith in humanity will be tested. Our beliefs with soon change as circumstances unfold in time. Develop a critical mind and a heart that never falters in seeing only the best in other people. Be kind, always be kind to others regardless of age, gender and religion. 

11.  Stop spending too much time in your work station and indulge in your tasks. I realized that I need my own sanity break to be effective in what I do. I need to free my mind from all the deadlines, compliances, metrics and subordinates in order for me to calibrate my EQ and IQ. 

12. Do not forget to treat yourself for all the hard work and for surpassing each challenges victoriously. Always remind yourself that you are bigger than your problems. Eating is my favourite way of rewarding myself. Nom. Nom. Nom. 

13. I realized it’s not too late for me to try my luck especially on dreams that I’ve let go already. I wanted to be a lawyer back in college until I gave up on pursuing that dream but it’s not too late I guess to rethink my options. I took the Philippine Law school aptitude test and gladly I made it. I’m still surprised and still thinking if I’ll take up law school next school year or not. 

14.  I realized that life is all about timing and perfect moments. You don’t need to feel so disappointed if the things you wanted for yourself didn’t exactly happen when you wanted it so badly. Trust the process and never doubt God’s way of revealing his plan for your life. In God’s perfect time as they say. 

15. It is Okay to fail because not all things in life is being granted. It is how you survived after you fail that matters. I’ve got unrealised dreams which frustrated me but then it hit me one day that maybe where I am right now is exactly where I need to be in God’s plans. I should not doubt or even hate the world instead I should be positive. I’ll be patient and persistent… Always. 

16. I realized that it’s okay to spend your hours doing nothing at all and let time pass by without the pressure of doing anything. We tend to be so into something and make sure our hours are not wasted but it drains our soul. We need to pause for a while and savor the minutes of our precious life. 

17. I realized that you don’t need to force people in your life or try to be someone that people likes. Life is good if you accept who are and let those people who loves you love the real you even if you look like an alien. 

18. It’s Okay to open up with friends about how fucked up your life can be and how to deal with depression when you no longer know what to do except killing yourself. It is Okay to share your thoughts to people who listen and remind you of how great you are — these are the best people to keep. They give you the sanity you need during your darkest days. It’s Okay to be with people who understands you all the time when you’re not in your right state of mind. 

Love your boss, colleagues and your subordinates because you face the same stress everyday. 

19. Life is short. We are all passing through so make the most of our time here. Start living and loving your existence. Wake up from your doubts and fears.

20. I realized that dogs love you more than themselves. 

21. It’s best to spend time with your parents while they are with us. We tend to forget that as we grow older they too are getting older and weaker. My mom is no longer the symbol of strength and greatness but in her prime no one is as amazing as her. 

22. Spend more time travelling and creating memories whether alone or with friends. 

23. Be a kid once in a while and reminisce your childhood memories. It’s ok to loosen up and take a time out from adulting. 

24. Life’s full of magical moments. Always open your heart and mind. 

25. My pens make me soooooo happy all the time. I am growing my collection and I’m so in love with them. 

26. Querkling and poetry is my instant pick me upper when I’m starting to get too burnt out with life. 

27. It’s when you started to give up everything then all of a sudden life surprises you with the craziest twist. I remembered writing earlier this year about love and how I stopped believing that my stomach butterflies will be resurrected from its death. Today is a little different, a little hopeful and a little positive. Be open and be honest to what you feel all the freakin’time no matter how awkward it may sound. 

28. I realized that maybe it’s about time to let myself love again… a love that has been awakened by someone whom I didn’t expect but did all his best to make me happy. You are God’s gift to me because whenever I am with you I feel a little different. I feel more human capable of loving and caring. I can be myself without the fear of not being accepted nor judged.  I hope that this will grow into something better and probably last for a lifetime. I am excited for this new chapter of my life, all the new yet right feels. 

Today is something special for me and for all the people who spent their time just to greet me, THANK YOU!  Cheers to more awesome years and more realizations to come. Thanks for everyone who became part of my life. Thanks for sticking around! I am finally 28 and I’m still awesome! (HAHAHAHA)  😊

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Posted by on November 23, 2017 in personal

 

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Coffee Diary. 

Almost 2am and I can’t sleep. 

My mind is such a terrible place at this hour and has been calmed down by caffeine for the mean time. I spent my night tossing and turning on my bed forcing myself to sleep but it didn’t happen. Minutes of dozing off and my brain cells are then wired up for some analysis of life’s events. It’s a little bit terrifying when it starts to rehash memories and try to puzzle out stuff that I should not worry about. I just locked my demons back to where it belongs to and I can say I’m fine or at least I believe I am. I am pretty much aware that all the summer feels were gone and my life revolves from gloomy to stormy. I can see the sun once in a while but clouds kept on covering all the sunrays. 

I’m still trying to convince myself that I don’t need medical attention for my depression. I think I’m fine. I know I’m not but at least I’m not suicidal… well not yet. Every day is such a challenge especially if my mind starts to drift. I always daydream though to survive each day but I turned into a hopeless person from a person full of sunshine. 

I guess I need a break. 

I guess I will be fine. 

Keep going as they say… so that’s what I’ll do, go on. Be strong. Pray. Lean on God. 

I love God and I know everything will be fine if I put my trust in him. 😊

 
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Posted by on October 11, 2017 in personal

 

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Empty Soul. 

Today, I feel lethargic.

It’s the usual feeling I have almost every day so I know I shouldn’t make a big deal out of it but despite being sluggish, I am also in the mood to write. 

I want to write what I feel and hopefully I’ll get over it. As I looked at the second hand in my watch and as it bids one second after another, I know I’m losing time. Some people seems to live while I keep on dying every day. I am becoming tired of living and my hope is slowly fading. There’s this boy who reminds me of another pain bound to happen and the past is just another good thing I survived kind of thing. I should be appreciative the least of it instead I formed clouds of hate. 

Always a good time with someone and it can be addicting. It’s rare to find someone who totally get you, all your weirdness and craziness yet accepted you. It’s rare to find someone whom you can share minutes of silence without feeling that awkwardness. It’s like finding your soul mate but you’re just not meant to be together. I have this alpha personality where I think I’m way better than his girl but I know he’ll never choose me. If he wanted to, then he should’ve choosen me before. I get that. I believed in that fact.

Aside from the fact that nobody wanted to be with me, I have been trying my best to find my own happiness. Every day I can find something to smile about but the emptiness haunts me. Sharing my time, being with him, with friends and working gave me happiness, a temporary happiness that made me survived each day. Deep inside I long for that day when today makes sense and I hope I’ll make it. I hope that the next wave of depression would be easy but everytime it hits me, I am getting weaker and weaker. My hope slowly dying together with my soul. I no longer see the value of existing when nobody wants me to call their own. 

I lift my burdens to God and I know he sees my pain. I hate being just an option when I deserve to be the choice. I hate living this kind of life when all these years I invested in good karma. I hate being stuck in the dark and the light he gives me each day would just bring me pain. If I let myself fall into the abyss I know I’ll be dead. If he loves me, he will choose me. I know he is just there to act like a saviour because who wouldn’t feel better to save a broken soul? To love and not be love is life’s greatest tragedy and I don’t know how to start over if I’ll let myself fall into the trap. My resistance in niceness and consistency have leveled up already. I know I can still walk away from him and leave even if I’ll be shattered. I’ll be hurt, be in pain perhaps but the pain won’t destroy me… not yet. 

I envy the girl who has his heart. I don’t know my role in his life and I don’t want to know at all. I already programmed my mind that I’m just a friend he enjoyed talking to and I should stop myself from falling. For once I need to be better. I cannot be gullible and end up being hurt. I don’t deserve to be just a third party. I deserve to be the girl who owns someone’s heart. Take me as I am with all my good and bad side. Don’t look at me like I’m better than you or that you’re better than me. Love should not be complicated.

 

I wish to find someone exactly like you who’ll choose me for the rest of my life. I hope God grants my wishes soon because I have no idea how long I can actually hold on. Life’s loses its meaning as time ticks away each day. 

Inspire me or just kill me. 

 
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Posted by on October 6, 2017 in personal

 

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Attachments

I hate being attached to a place, event, memories and people. I have been too emotional in dealing with separation and will take me days to fully recover. I don’t understand why but it’s just how I am. No matter how strong, ruthless and independent I can be, I still fall for memories. I appreciate people who puts in a lot of effort to know and stick with me. Sometimes I fear losing them but I still lose people along the way, I’m still alive but broken. To sum up my thoughts for tonight, lemme write a poem. 

Just in Time


You didn’t come in crashing waves

but you walk in like a theft

Broke the bricks one built for years

and let the sun shine through the cracks of disbelief. 


The pain disappeared as time passes 

Cold nights became a place of solace

To trust time is such a great risk

so as to believe once again


The future did promise uncertainties 

and today seems to be a game of madness 

where the past became a lesson

and the present is full of wonder and misery


The verge of the cliff is enticing 

and my heart wanted to jump once again

I wanted to love the process

I really do. 


What’s in store for me is still a mystery

and the crash might end what’s left

The fall has no assurance of life 

after a series of death. 


In this parallel world,

not all are meant to last.

I have walked into the storm already

and I have no plans of coming back. 



S. C. L. 


 
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Posted by on September 25, 2017 in personal

 

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Thoughts on Love and Life Just Because I Feel Like Blogging. 

What love is supposed to be as told by someone who is a complete fucked up when it comes to relationships. 

I sometimes wonder what love really is so I did seek for answers in the point of view of my friends and people who are in a relationship. In my years of existence I must say that I’ve been broken without even having a boyfriend. It’s also as crazy as moving on even if there’s no breakups involved so it doesn’t mean I’m inexperienced when it comes to love. Been there, done this and that. 

Love can probably be shown in several forms we may notice or not. It is not about being together but being there for each other. It can be not seeing for the longest time yet the flame keeps on burning. It can be working on developing each other to be better individuals despite having different dreams. It is all about growing together to be better. Waking up each day finally makes sense and not more of a chore. It is watching the sun sets so beautifully and hoping for the sun to rise again the next day. It’s about being empowered. It is about what makes your heart warm amidst the coldest weather. It makes you a little poetic when everything between you two can be metaphors.

It is not the ripped off of souls. 

Love I guess should feel that way. I keep on thinking and imagining what love is supposed to be. Is it just a take care, good night thing? Is it just holding each other’s hand on a cold Sunday morning trying to figure out what to do? Is it all about fulfilling our lustful thoughts? Is it about being in a place of comfort?

Perhaps,  love indeed cannot be rationalize. 

But love should makes us better. It strengthens our weak selves, it makes us grow. It should not be dragging. It should not feel more of a responsibility not even an obligation. It should be spontaneous, something to look forward to. It’s about priorities and not begging for time. It’s about the freedom to be yourself with his/her friends/family members. 

It’s about being happy.

Sometimes I believe that life will present you circumstances that you seldom win yet you will eventually understand why the lose was actually necessary for you to win yourself. It is that dire need to extend your patience to wait for the right time when every plan is about to be realized. I must say the universe tricked me but it doesn’t mean I gave up already. 

Probably love has its own season. 

In my quest to find answers to my own questions I get to see how things in the past finally made sense today and how today seems to be a puzzle I get tired of solving so I just let it be. I know that I am only choosing what makes me happy right now whether it’s right or wrong I don’t care much as long as it’s legal. I looked at myself pretty much fine with everything that’s been going on despite some several set backs. I don’t need to prove myself to anyone. I am pretty much aware of myself and that my insecurities are well accepted. I wanted to keep on moving on with my life each day. I want to be the better me and the better choice all the time. I want to make people feel that choosing me is not something they’ll regret in the end. It can be choosing me as their leader, their friend, partner or whatever. I see the best in people and some may hate me for being me but I always level up my life experience. I hate to stay where most people are. I wanted to be different than the rest.

I never wanted to be compared because I know I have my own traits that people love and hate. Even if sometimes I keep on wondering too why I am single it doesn’t make me anymore less of a person despite my several trash talks toward myself. I built my character to be indestructible and that the only opinion that can destroy me is my perception towards myself. 

I sometimes smile when friends tell me that I am not being considered as a threat. Well, sorry to say but you should be. You don’t think of people that way because you are being blinded by what they can do against you. Each and everyone of us can be a threat and even without me fully realizing it I must say not pretty much of the population have the same profile as mine. I may be meek but I got the power to nail the things I wanted especially if I’m really so into it. 

In the end, I accept what life has to offer me. I stand tall after each fall, brushing off the dirt in my knees and clean the wounds of yesterdays. I know I do not win all the time. I know sometimes how the universe make me suffer so bad I wanted to give up but didn’t and I guess I will never will. 

Until that time comes, I’ll keep on moving on. 

 
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Posted by on September 5, 2017 in personal

 

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Paglaya



Hindi mabilang na buntong hininga
Tuwing maalala ang nakaraan
Kinubling kasiyahan at katotohanan
Dahil tayo ay suntok sa buwan

Pilit kong tinakbuhan
Sarili’y nagbalat kayo
Himig nitong puso’y tinago
Baka tayo pa ay magbago

Namulat sa realidad
Na walang ako, walang ikaw
Higit sa lahat walang tayo
Kahit hilingin ko man ito sa bituin

Tadhanang mapaglaro
Damdaming hindi mabiro
Umasang baka sa paghintay
Hiling ay matupad kahit papano

Araw at buwan lumipas
Hindi ko inakalang nabulag
Ang puso kong puno ng lumbay
Mundo na nawalan ng kulay

Mata’y minulat
Katotohanang dinilat
Pinalaya ang sariling nabaon
Sa pag-ibig na nilipasan ng panahon

Sa aking paglaya ngayon
Binuo ako ulit ng pagkakataon
Bukas ay haharapin
Sarili’y unting unting babangon.

-S.C.L.

 
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Posted by on September 4, 2017 in personal

 

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People Like Us.

My heart is a bit heavy while trying to conceptualize this blog post. I guess loneliness really kills. 

I watched a Ted Talk episode about what makes a good life and it scares me how my future would look like. I am afraid of growing up alone.

What Makes A Good Life? Ted Talk Video Link

There are days when I try to forget the loneliness I feel because I have a lot of stuff to do and being sad is not something I need to dwell on. It can be because of hormones or maybe because I am unproductive today. I still kept my motivating blog post in the draft section because I got no energy to finish it. Today seems to be another day to sulk in misery. 

I keep on looking at the ceiling trying to understand what is actually wrong with me. Sometimes I wish I got siblings so that I won’t be pressured to have a family of my own. Sometimes I wish I am a different person. Sometimes I ask God if this is the kind of life I am destined to live. Sometimes pushing away people make me filter out who really are worth keeping. One thing is constant in my life, emptiness.

All the awards, the people I met and the lessons I learned can sometimes be so refreshing and motivating. I have been the alpha. I have been independent, strong and patient. I was able to stand up everytime I reach the pit. I fought my demons. I am alive but everyday the emptiness I feel bothers me. A good life is not about having lots of money. It is not even success and fame. It is about the quality of relationships we have — our friends, family and the love of our lives. I wonder how it feels, I wonder how love can change the way we all feel. I wonder how much love I can give and just the thought of it made me burst in tears. 

I loved too much before. I loved so heavily that it broke me into pieces. I love stupidly. I loved unworthy people. I love people who cannot love me back. I love broken boys. I love those who love others. I still continue to love and not expect anything in return. I believe that loving people makes us happy. I believe giving a piece of me to others and inspire them to be better would fill up those empty spaces. It did, btw. 

Recently, I realized that I should not stop loving. I should continue to hold my heart and share it to people. I should offer it and if they would not take it I should not feel sad. Rejection should not be a terrible feeling. If they would not accept my heart then they lose that opportunity to be love by someone capable of loving beyond what one can expect. I kept on holding and offering but life seems to test my perseverance. 

I do not understand why people like us remain to be single. I talked to a lot of amazing single girls this past few weeks most are my friends whom I know are really the marrying type. I am pretty much interested to study about singlehood and its causes. I have no idea why these people who deserves to be happy and raise family struggle to find a man. I mean I know I do not deserve to be single for the rest of my lives so as my friends. I hate how depression suddenly eat their happiness because they feel that they would not find a man who would take care of them. I cannot find the right words to make them feel better so we laugh it off. I mean what do they get from someone like me who wants to die before 50 if I do not have a family of my own. I too am a fucked up.

I have no idea why I am feeling shitty most of the time whenever I remember that I am approaching my 30s alone. I hope someday I will look back today as part of the process. I should feel all the pain today to be better. I wish people like me will find their happiness soon.

 
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Posted by on August 15, 2017 in personal

 

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