Straight Up.

Dad. 💗

Hey Dad!

Almost three decades without you in my life but I will always remember the feeling of being well taken cared for. Adulting is hard but I’m getting used to all the challenges coming my way. I’ve become more accepting of all the circumstances that took place in my life. Some almost made me give up but I am simply built to last. I guess it’s just how life is and it does not always go according to my plan. God’s plan may not be the convenient scheme but I gained a good amount of insight from it.

I still have daddy issues because despite my strong demeanor, I still long for someone who will take care of and provide just like you did to me and mama. You are my hero. You are someone I always look up to because I find you cool and smart. I continue to imagine all the what-ifs I have with you. Maybe we have a lot of adventures shared and maybe we have a lot of whiskeys on the rocks together. God knows how much I long for your presence. I may spend a shorter time with you but those moments were well-spent. Whenever I recall my childhood, it was like a fairytale. I am glad that you and Mama gave me a safe place to grow. My life was not perfect but I am glad that everything was provided. I didn’t struggle. I just enjoyed my childhood. The only thing missing is you, Dad. I grew up without a father but I am glad that Tito Edsel was there. I used to hate it when people think he was my dad because I only think of you as my dad. Tito Edsel did his best to be there for me, especially during school activities. I am beyond grateful that I had him in my life.

As I begin to start a new chapter in my life, I hope I can reconcile my inner child’s desires with my adult self. I continue to get attached to men who had your characteristics. Men who wear white shirts and are carefree. Men who love dogs and other furry creatures. Men who bake. Men who are good in math and street smart. Men who touch my soul with their sweet words and care. Men who have your body type. I guess my inner child still longs for you after all these years because the men I love and like have your qualities.

I hope heaven had visiting hours so I can talk to you and hold your hand. I long for your comforting hugs and goodnight kisses. I long for your love and care that I kept chasing that feeling from people. Dad, you set the bar too high because you are beyond amazing. I hope one day I will be able to find someone like you who will be there to remind me that my presence brings light to their life like the way you made me feel dad. I remembered how you look at me with delight like I am an angel. You always want me to be pretty and happy compared to other kids. Healing my inner child is a process but I want to feel my childhood with you right now. 28 years ago I lost you and my life changed after that. You came to be a big part of my childhood it affected my whole being as I am growing up. I miss you, dad. I hope we can meet again someday and we can drink your favorite whiskey, straight up.

Dear Future Husband.

It’s a slow process but I am already accepting that things have to end for better ones to begin.

I hope one day you will be able to read this as I honestly have to change the title from future boyfriend to husband because I am so serious that the next one will be the one.

Hello!

I don’t know if we have already met or not. I hope we already did, hoping you are someone I know, a friend or an acquaintance. I don’t know. If not, I hope we will meet soon in a non-romantic but fun way. I just wish you are someone I like from the first time I set my eyes on you. May you be good-looking, smart, and charming. Someone I dreamt to have and to hold. I hope you have that beautiful smile in the world. Someone who brings out the best in me and will never make me feel alone.

Fast forward from the day, we felt the spark to the day we finally decided to be each other’s endgame. I hope most of our days are filled with happiness. You are my strength when I feel weak. Your hugs comfort my weary soul and your words bring light to my life. We laugh at silly stuff and travel to new places. We are always full of life.

Each day, I pray to thank God for all the unfortunate events that need to happen for us to happen. I am willing to endure all the pain again if that is what it takes to experience this bliss with you. You are beyond amazing. An answered prayer.

You see, I am not perfect. I worked my way to where I am right now. I am glad that your family accepted me for who I am and for who I am not. Sundays are spent with family and we are just loving our time with them. On boring nights we go out, watch the stars and drink our beers. We make love and listen to our jam. Being with each other is a refuge. Your arms are my solace. You are my sanity when the tides are high.

I became stronger over the years. I continue to be hyper-independent. It did not intimidate you instead you push me more to go out of my comfort zone. We are each other’s cheerleaders. I let you do the things you love and be with people that make you better. We respect each other’s individual space yet we also grow together as a couple. We are champions of the path we chose. We attained the financial freedom I once dreamed of.

You see, I am glad to have you in my life. God knows how much I endured in the past years. I cried. I begged. I lost whatever I have in me to salvage the relationship I thought was meant to last. It’s okay. I am better than okay because before we met I am already healed from past heartbreaks. You are also healed from the pains of your yesteryears. We are in our best mental and emotional state.

To the man I will love forever, I hope our story unfolds anytime soon. I am beyond excited to start a new chapter with you because I know you are heaven-sent. My answered prayer, my home.

Love,

Your equally awesome partner for life 😂

2023 Goals.

All I want is peace, love and joy this 2023.

I’ve been a sucker of bucket lists and to do things that I feel a sense of accomplishment for every boxes I ticked. This year is a new year for me to somehow start over but prolly I’ll focus on 5 goals. Normally I have more than a dozen but of course goals should be SMARTER right?

S-pecific
M-easurable
A-ttainable
R-isky
T-ime bound
E-xciting
R-ewarding

I’ll limit my 2023 goals to 5 and let us see if by the end of the year I can hit at least 3/5 if not 100%.

This year I wanted to travel outside the Philippines and I prefer to be alone. I guess it’s about time for me to do a solo adventure since it’s been a while since the last time I am single. I wanted to explore the world and be expose to different culture. I want to feel being alive all over again this time in a different country. I owe it to myself to travel while I have the energy and most of all the freedom to do the things I love to do without any hang ups.

My second goal is to pursue a passion and start collecting those poems I have written eons ago and probably start archiving it into a literary piece or try a new hobby that will excite me. Candle making, finishing a book per month, graphic designing, soap making, or pottery? I don’t know I just want to pursue something creative this year.

Take the civil service exam or the UP law aptitude exam. I just want to gauge my knowledge and test my skillset once again. I might try enrolling or taking up law subjects. I realized this spike my interest compared to data science.

I want to pay all my debts and start building a better future for myself. I’ve been embracing the fact that I may end up single for quite some time or most likely end up a spinster but at least I’ve got a hefty amount saved in the bank for me to splurge on my senior years.  All I want is to pay even just half of it if not the total amount. It will give me peace of mind.

Lastly, I’ve used being alone. I like being alone with no family to deal with. I mean right after my mom’s death I felt that the only family I have are my pets, friends, Paul’s family ( slowly accepting that they’ll be gone soon knowing that Paul and I are no longer together) and Nong Winnie’s family. It’s hard to rekindle old ties but part of me somehow would want to try spending some time with family members. I guess hearing that my aunt missed me somehow made me feel sad because I would admit that I missed her too. She’s the only one left after mama died. She may have her own character that I disdain but I’ve learned to forgive. Maybe just maybe I want to spend time with family this year.

These five goals do not sound easy to achieve. I would admit I feel a little ambitious but I must plan something to achieve this year. I am claiming that 2023 is a year that will answer my limbo years. I can feel that 2023 will be good to me and that it will be a year full of love and healing. I hope I will find joy this year after being in a terrible state for the past months and years. My wish this year is for my prayers to be answered and that God’s plan will start to unfold. I trust him despite the pain and uncertainties that I have to endure. May I find the reason why I have to make it through the bad times.

Claiming that 2023 is my year.

Finally, 2022 Ends.

I’m not the religious type but my belief in the supreme being powered me through this 2022. From the first quarter up to the last I dealt with silent battles, not all people even close to me know.

Most of my days were dark this year with a lot to deal with but it’s God’s way to remind me that he’ll provide no matter what. I am beyond grateful to those who never left and gave up on me. All I want is someone who despite the odds will never leave my side and some friends even go above and beyond just to keep my sanity. You are my angels. 💗

This year taught me a lot in life, lessons that made a mark that will never fade over time. It made me more resilient and mature. My most broken version paved the way for a promise that the best is yet to come. Gradually, I was able to start letting go of my toxic traits and pains for my heart now has a lot of room for healing. I know I deserve people who see my potential, who will never give up, and who will never leave me when the tides are too high.

I let go of toxic friendships that no longer served me. I am keeping people who keep a safe space for me to be who I am.

I am proud that I was able to hold the line until the end of 2022 when I taught this year is my end game.

Cheers to 2023! I am excited for you because deep inside my soul I can sense that after all the years of questioning you are the answer. Some things end for better ones to begin. My heart is grateful for everything that has happened because it brought me closer to God. 💗

Wishing a better year for everyone and be proud of yourself for surviving all the silent battles you fought this year. 🍾

To my inner circle who’ve helped me deal with a lot of shits this year — I love you. 😘