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Outgrowing Yourself, Redefining Life

All of us probably wanted to live a little longer and enjoy this beautiful world but have you ever thought that it’s not actually how long you live but how you make most out of the life you have?

I always wonder what life has to offer me and I know for myself that money ain’t always my sole purpose of existing. It is not the material things that can actually complete me but I know for a fact that it is something inanimate. I seek for a deeper purpose most of the time and I see things differently compared to how others thread their daily lives. We are not born to just exist, we are born to LIVE. 

Today, I wanted to step back and reevaluate my life again after what I have been through this year; all the people I met and realizations that struck me during times that I didn’t actually expect it. I must say, it has been a year full of lessons that made me outgrow who I used to be and be someone I didn’t actually expect. My understanding of my own life became clearer and never have I been prouder to know that I didn’t cut my existence short just because I lose my faith. 

There are times in our lives that we totally do not understand why certain mishaps happen and times that test not just our faith but our totality as a human being. Heartbreaks and frustrations that shattered us to bits and made us experience rock bottom. The demons inside our head that crippled us and made us feel that no matter how we wanted to be better we are deemed to fail. We tried to stand up every time we fall, wiped those tears and even fought back several times than we imagined. Most of the time we continue to move forward, some escape their realities and get haunted later on while few quit life too soon. We have a lot of ways to cope up with what life has to offer but I guess the best way is deciding to outgrow ourselves and be in tune with our own being. 

I remembered Wil Dasovich’s video (click me ——-> Wil Dasovich  ) telling the world of his illness and how he still manages to be positive despite such bad news. I too thought about my own life and how well I lived it. What struck me the most are these questions “How satisfied are you with the way you flipped your life? Have you maximized your experience?” 

My answer? I am halfway there, perhaps.

A good friend once asked me if given a chance would I want to see the future for me to continue moving on with sheer positivity because you already had a glimpse of what is in store for you in the future? Without any doubt I said NO. Tempting as it may be, provided that life will give me a genie that grants wishes such as such I still do not want to see my future. The journey is not as beautiful as it supposed to be if that is the case. I know how I have been ranting too much or even questioning my own existence from my previous blog posts but in my heart I know that there’s a bigger reason behind everything. Every battle is meaningful even if it took me almost a decade or whatever number of years, months, weeks and days to understand. Life has its own way to uncover its meaning and sometimes we realized it late or even unexpectedly. We tend to be too impatient, we demanded too much for answers and even wanted to defy time. We know that no matter how we try to change our own path, our destiny will unravel in its own season and it is for us to fully understand why certain things need to happen for us to appreciate our life a little more.

I wanted to max out my life before life screams time’s up bitch! I wanted others to be better too and not dwell on the negativities. We need to accentuate the positive most of the time because staying sad and depressed will just not make us better. For the nth time, never have I ever wanted to outgrow myself as much as I have wanted it now.

Here are some instances that hinder us to be our better version:

  • We stick to what is convenient and practical even if it kills us inside. 
  • We focus more on our insecurities rather than our strengths.
  • We justify our vices because we say life is too short and ended up being unhealthy and sick later on. 
  • We are so into our social media accounts and it make us feel envious of other people’s lives. Classic feels. 
  • We live the dreams our parents wanted for us and lose our own identity in the process. 
  • We cannot be ourselves because we fear that society might judge us, we usually tend to conform. 
  • We try to stay in a crappy relationship because of the number of years you’ve been together without even realizing that instead of growing together you are already growing apart. 
  • We force ourselves to be someone in order to prove those who’ve hurt us that we are actually better only to end up being too frustrated because we are doing it to boost our pride but will still make us feel empty in the end.  
  • We focus too much in our future not experiencing what today has to offer.
  • We choose not to be happy because we think that we do not deserve it. It can be an event, things we wanted or even a person to love. 
  • We sulk into miseries instead of looking at the bigger picture.
  • We blame others or circumstances why we are unsatisfied with our life or why we are where we are right now. 
  • We pretend that we are fine because it is the image that we project to others. They think you got it all figured out.
  • We choose to be in the safer side of the spectrum and not taking any risk because of fear and the odds might not be in our favor.
  • We enter into a relationship because we are lonely and worst, sometimes we are fine being just the third party because we feel that we are loved and it feeds our satisfaction. Only to know later on that you hindered yourself from people that can actually make you their priority. 
  • We have a couple of hang ups that keep on haunting us as years go by. It would be best to face it rather than run from it.
  • We keep ourselves too busy and preoccupied because reality bites but actually we forgot about the little things — a smile from an innocent kid,a beautiful sunset, morning dew drops, breathing and a chance each day to be the person we wanted to be. 
  • We predetermined our future and tried to wire our minds to it without even realizing that life has its own way to surprise us. 
  • We do not have an abundant mindset.

The list is actually limited because there are thousands of reasons that made us chase pavements instead of exploring our sole existence as human beings and that is again to grow as time passes by or maybe towards a bigger purpose not yet defined. 

Purpose, here we go again. Some people already got their lives figured out while some is still in the process. My existence revolves in knowing what will fill the void that I feel inside of me. I am calming my own storms as years pass by. I know that when I look in the mirror I saw someone who is willing to leave everything behind and live the life she wanted. I got gazillions of plans and I only have a limited time. While I am young and strong, I will keep on choosing whatever will make me happy. Life is too short to drink a crappy wine, listen to a crappy song, eating a crappy food, being in The crappy relationship, hanging out with crappy people who drains your energy and be in your crappy comfort zone. 

Live and be an inspiration.

Live and believe.

Live and love. 

Choose what makes you happy. Choose whoever makes you happy. Let go of people you love so much even if it hurts especially if you no longer see a better future with them. The toughest thing I did is to finally let go of everything I hold on to for the past years to make room for something better. I am a bigger person now by choosing my battles wisely. I am closing one chapter of my life and is starting to redefine it.To quote Wil Dasovich: “As you age, you will come to a realization that you will be disappointed with the things you didn’t do than the things you did do.”

Indeed, it is not the years in your life but the life in your years.

Every day can be a brand new start for all of us. It’s about time.

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Posted by on August 27, 2017 in personal

 

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Midsummer Thoughts.

In between my daily routine I usually find myself daydreaming. My mind wanders around to nowhere thinking if I am not who I an today then probably I am a celebrity with a busy schedule, a young female pilot envied by many or a poet whose books are ought to read and cried by the faint-hearted. I guess I have a lot of things going in my mind when I wanted to escape my reality.

Some may wonder what more can I ask for. I mean I seem to be chill and knows how to manage my life, my time and people. Honestly, I am not what most people think I am. My sanity revolves around being insane most of the time. I escaped the pangs of my demons now sealed somewhere in my brain — they are controlled by my rational side, imprisoned by my choices not to succumb into pure despair that would result to pretty much a dumb decision. 

I am still not the happiest person. Last time I check, I’m still sad but not the kind of sad that makes me cry for hours thinking how miserable my life is. Just that kind of sadness when you look at around you and you’re all alone to face each day. 

Months ago, I let go of the unreciprocated love I had for years. It was perhaps my best decision because it opened my eyes to various realities that made me better. It was so intoxicating that forgetting him was so refreshing. All the vines that suffocated me slowly lose their grip and withered because I no longer fed it with my selfish hopes. I know letting go is a strength I never knew I had. I lose my own meaning because I thought I existed because of him. I hoped someday he’ll realized it all — that I am worth it. I got tired, I felt so stupid letting people consume me instead of loving myself alone. I should not have relied to others to complete me, I should be complete without anyone and that is who I am now.

I looked at myself in the mirror knowing that I am better than ever. I scanned what’s left in me, everything seems to be fine except that sinking hole I feel. It was a pit full of fears. I convinced myself I am fine and I know I am but fear reminds me that despite my strength and confidence to take the world, I still fear to live my life alone. I rationalize this with a fact that people are social creatures so they need people to survive. I know I got no problem with socializing but I guess the fear is not having anyone to love as my own. It’s been a while since the last time I my heart was preoccupied. I loved too long with false hopes in between but today I love no one at all. 

Maturity mixed​ with reality made me assume less and let life happen. I no longer feel the butterflies, the hopes and all those magical feelings. I only see busy roads, crowded streets and people living. I only have reality, a reality that I am alone with my aging mom; a work that pays my needs and a life that I don’t actually understand if will make sense someday. Reality bites me and every day I drift to survive looking forward for the next payday or travel plans just to spice up my own boredom.

Life has nothing special going and I envy those who may be poor but is complete knowing they have a family to love and hold. 

As I walked into the crowded mall, I wonder what if people have thought bubbles popping while they walk… I wonder what’s mine.

The loneliness seeping into my veins is not yet intoxicating because probably this is what I really deserve. My end of day thoughts and what I’ll do next day keeps me busy to realize that what I need right now is probably a dose of madness — I once have now lost.

Life they say is full of surprises and today my life is at plateau. Nothing special going just sleep, work, eat and repeat kind of life. I got friends, I got a job and I am healthy. My mother is now better so what more can I ask for right? If this is the life I’ll be having for the next years, I wish to end it anytime soon because boredom sucks. I guess complacency in life still bores me.

I’ll daydream and dream to survive each day. I was reminded after my solo trip that life is still worth living. I know it is — how long will I believe it is is the question? Probably after life will surprise me again.
What’s​ in store life? What’s up?

 
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Posted by on May 1, 2017 in Thoughts Brewery

 

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How it has been so far?

I wanted to control my urge to write but I guess some feelings need to be vent out again for me to feel a little better.

I cut my hair recently.

I unfollowed my ex-friend in Tumblr.

I stopped caring.

Life was a bit simpler this past week and I can say I am back to my old sarcastic and half-witty self. I can now manage to see him without the desire to strangle him and scream what is wrong but I am actually still have my mood swings once in a while. I am still taming my monster side. Just when I thought I am able to manage my anger very well… oh yeah, I am back to square one. I am still my old self. 😲

I hate being mad because things become disastrous. I cannot stop myself from yelling or screaming or I have no idea what I can actually do. I actually prefer to cry instead of throwing something towards that person. I also walk away before I can hurt anyone. Anger does more harm than good.

I must admit I miss him but I am still wondering on the root cause of the sudden change in behavior. I have theories in mind but it won’t lead me into a concrete reason why he became indifferent. I asked myself, is it something I said? The text? What? I won’t assume that he loves me and plainly being confused or assume that he hates me because we are able to text each other after. He knows how I hate bullshit stuff and what he’s doing to me is actually bullshit at its finest. I can deal with the harsh truth than be stuck in a limbo of assumptions.

I was fighting for my feelings. I am shrugging it off because I fear rejection and commitment. I fear the pain that love brings. I fear too much attachment only to realized I lured myself into my own grave. I brought my fears into life and I am battling it right now. He was not my ideal guy but he complimented my brains and made me trust someone completely which rarely happens by the way. I got trust issues but with him I can be my ugly wasted self without caring what he might think of me. I am now writing this part with a heavy heart because I miss my bestfriend. I miss the random talks, foodtrips and laughtrips. It is so hard to be alright and accept that our friendship ended with a big question mark.

My pride tells me to stop reaching out and let things happen as they are meant to happen. I stopped chasing for answers and instead set a stupid timeline. I give you the space you wanted. I realized that I can actually survive without you. You know that feeling when you wanted to share a story and you are the first one who comes into my mind? I wanted to share it to you then we will laugh and forget about the stress we feel at work. I badly control myself not to ping you because my pride tells me that if you want to really talk to me you could have pinged me already weeks ago but you did not. You choose not to and I choose to let go.

I just think it is still unfair of you not telling me though. I guess I am not even worth an explanation.

I shrugged off my feelings because I still cling into that idea that maybe I will find someone who is as hot like Doug Kramer, as smart as Marc Nelson, as God-fearing as Paul Soriano, as cool as Drew Arellano, as handsome as Marlon Stockinger and as amazing as my father. I got this high standards when it comes to relationship only to realize that I have been shrugging my feelings for someone who is not even close to my ideals but complimented me in ways I can no longer explain. You are indeed my greatest nightmare dressed like a daydream. You are so much to take in. I wanted a man but I got a 30-year old boy who still does not know what he really wants in life. I know I deserve someone better as what our friends say but I still empathize with you. I fear your fears. I fear commitment. I fear being attached to you and be in an actual relationship because I am so afraid of your world. I do not know how to fit into it when I am the laidback type. I am low maintenance and the simple things can actually make me happy. I know our financial status is way different since I am the heir of my family’s financial problems. I grew up rich and suffered bankruptcy when I was 19. Life was never easy back then. I had my own issues to fix and my pride tells me that I need to be established first. I seek for a long term relationship. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with someone and not just enter into something half-baked. I prayed for that moment. I prayed hard.

We need to probably sort things out while we are sober and be honest about our fears and feelings. We cannot totally escape this by not talking and pretending one does not exist. I want to give the space you wanted before I totally confront you. This ain’t cool in dealing with life issues. I will never attain the peace I wanted with a hanging chapter in my life.

It’s still a blurry path to the unknown. Work exhausts me and I cannot help but displaced my anger to my supervisor who keeps on nagging us. I want to actually be blunt and just tell him that his ideas are sometimes stupid. I got raging hormones to deal with each day and I do not f*ckingly know how to be chill except of course if I choose to walk away and eat out at dawn alone. I need a break.

That’s it.

😤😥😧

 
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Posted by on August 11, 2015 in life

 

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09/13 – Day 295: How Hard Life Can Be?

Life is hard, if it’s not how can we appreciate LIFE?

One of the best quote I encountered this week was “We should be able to look forward not only to growing up, but also to continued growth in all human dimensions throughout life. All should aspire to make as much of their powers as they can.” — Mortimer Adler

We need to accept every challenge… some may seem to be so impossible to surpass. Heartbreaks that you thought you can never ever moved on — hey seriously, it took a lot of time but I did move on and I am happy it happened. At least, I am wiser. Damaged yes, but then again I am wiser. 🙂

Learning from experiences and accepting the fact that life is hard equates to deeper sense of life appreciation.

We need to be positive. We need to grow.

Pain is inevitable. Misery is optional.” — Tim Hansel

Be happy!

 
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Posted by on September 28, 2012 in journal, life, Life Blog, people, writing

 

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07/23 – Day 243: Feel Good Notebook

I decided to keep a notebook where I write all the relatable quotes I have read online, in books and magazines. I will try to write all the compliments I have too just for me to have a feel good notebook to read especially if I have the blues. This will serve as a reminder of how awesome I can be despite all the pitfalls.

 
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Posted by on July 29, 2012 in art, journal, life

 

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07/13 – Day 233: The Bedside Table

My well arranged bed side table serves as an easy access to all the stuffs that I need especially if I wake up in the middle of the night with the need to write what I dreamed about or just simply listing some things that’s been running in my mind. 🙂

 
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Posted by on July 22, 2012 in life

 

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04/24 – Day 153: Typography

Just because I love to write… whether it makes sense or not.

 
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Posted by on April 29, 2012 in life, writing

 

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