It’s my 27th Christmas already and I could not imagine how fast time can actually fly. After Tito Edsel’s death, life seems to be different and each day is so incomplete. I tend not to think about it because I can feel my heart being ripped by memories of us during Christmas Eve.
Work also consumes me too much that most of my time is spent in the office. I watched myself being drowned by my goals only to realized that I’m sacrificing what really matters most — my time for myself and my mom.
I am thankful for everything that have happened in my life. God has been not too nice to me but it made me better in the end. Life has been a series of great and tragic times that widen my own understanding of it. Tonight as I watch the blinking of the lights in my room, I came to a realization that all I want for Christmas is peace. It seems that my mind has been so chaotic because of my unrealized dreams and unfulfilled goals. As I search through my heart, I can smell its loneliness from afar. As I pick up all the fragments of my heart, I can see my old self through the broken shards; young, vibrant and full of hopes.
I grew up wishing Santa is real and that he’ll grant all my wishes. My childhood is so beautiful and every Christmas is the season I totally look forward for. Families are together with lots of food meant to be shared. Truly, it’s the season to be jolly. As I moved towards adulthood, I realized Santa is just an ordinary person with a costume and fake white beard. Christmas suddenly became different and life happened. Families no longer seeing each other because we can no longer host lavish parties for everyone. It suddenly saddens me but I go back to what matters most this day — Christ.
If family is important, then regardless of what state you are in life they should be simply there to show their care and support. I guess I expected too much from our family. What I have right now is my mom. I cannot even imagine what my life will be if mom is gone. I can’t afford to lose another parent. I already accepted the pain of not having my dad during my puberty days and also being left by my Tito Edsel who took the role of my dad when he passed away. How I miss them so much right now.
Today, we’ll be celebrating Christmas — share the love to everyone for Christ taught us to be selfless and grateful. Thank you God for your never ending love and faith. I hope someday I’ll have my own family and that this season will again be my most look forward season to celebrate life and family.
May the loneliness I feel end soon and may the love of God continues to inspire me to live and believe that someday I’ll find what my heart truly desires.
Merry Christmas! 🎅
Taming The Chaos Inside 