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Rants and Bottled Feelings.

My life seems to be so rudimentary that I usually know how to end and start it. It’s always a series of fortunate and unfortunate events and tests of faith that started way back when my innocence in life got stained by realities. I live a so-so life with pretty much nothing exciting to talk about except of course my rants about life, my work, love gone to heaven so as the fragments of my hope in humanity. Media made me hate those extremists whose causes I don’t actually get. Taxes that suck my hope in our government. Multiple work mails I need to reply. My chaotic mind with a lot of dreams yet still I’m stuck in my own comfort zone who pretty much sucks up my remaining hope in myself. Of course, I get paid but yeah — I still live beyond limits without using my full potential. 

It’s another day of rants so please forgive me.

My mind is such a terrible place to be in. Everyday I get to experience various weather like feels. Sometimes it’s sunny where I tend to have positive thoughts or days when my lurkers start to suck up all the positive ions and left me with undesirable thoughts that can be intoxicating sometimes. Today, I just feel like eating my favorite pie somewhere and talk about nonsense.

As I grow older, people come and people just go. Sometimes we all wish old friends will make time when you’re in dire need of someone but geez I’m not the Hannah Baker type who lashes out in mixtapes how my friends disappointed me big time. It’s just how it is. You just got to live life and be appreciative of people who remembers you and understand those who can’t make time. 


As I tried to be normal at home, I suddenly miss how rowdy it used to be. I missed watching news with my uncle and talk about it during dinner. Pepper is usually hyperactive so we both need to tone her down. Our cat who would just sit in our laps and my mom asking what the news is all about is the typical 6pm scene. Those sepia images of our life before daunted me while I’m drinking beer on a work day and instead of feeling sentimental, I felt surreal. 

I wonder what this home will be like couple of years from now. Will I be alone watching TV with popcorn, chips and beer because I rather be drunk than feel the misery? Will I be with my mom still and live like today? Will I be somewhere else wondering what have happened to our used to be home? The thoughts are too much to bear. I can’t live alone but I can’t leave… Either way it both sucks but I might need to plan everything out before it’s too late.

Work will still be something I need to do to live my wants. I am tired living the employee life and studying much on how to be a better entrepreneur. I need my mind to work and I need growth. I need a life away from the four corners of this corporate world.

I feel so dysfunctional. It’s not the usual routine 12 months ago but what I’m doing each day starts to feel so familiar. I don’t know how my heart functions today especially to the things it used to do or even feel. I started not to care about the world, not to hope, not to assume and not to feel. I’ve totally succumbed into the DGAF mindset. Everything seems to be driven by logic and reasons which pretty much bores me. I’m losing the substance of my own thoughts when I try to write about what I deeply feel — the unwritten chapters now bothering and it’s hard to express what my soul resonates. My mind dies as my heart passionately writes nothing. It’s the killer silence, the panacea of my being.

Until that day comes… 

End. 

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Posted by on June 7, 2017 in personal

 

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My 2016 Christmas 

It’s my 27th Christmas already and I could not imagine how fast time can actually fly. After Tito Edsel’s death, life seems to be different and each day is so incomplete. I tend not to think about it because I can feel my heart being ripped by memories of us during Christmas Eve. 

Work also consumes me too much that most of my time is spent in the office. I watched myself being drowned by my goals only to realized that I’m sacrificing what really matters most — my time for myself and my mom. 

I am thankful for everything that have happened in my life. God has been not too nice to me but it made me better in the end. Life has been a series of great and tragic times that widen my own understanding of it. Tonight as I watch the blinking of the lights in my room, I came to a realization that all I want for Christmas is peace. It seems that my mind has been so chaotic because of my unrealized dreams and unfulfilled goals. As I search through my heart, I can smell its loneliness from afar.  As I pick up all the fragments of my heart, I can see my old self through the broken shards; young, vibrant and full of hopes. 

I grew up wishing Santa is real and that he’ll grant all my wishes. My childhood is so beautiful and every Christmas is the season I totally look forward for.  Families are together with lots of food meant to be shared. Truly, it’s the season to be jolly. As I moved towards adulthood, I realized Santa is just an ordinary person with a costume and fake white beard. Christmas suddenly became different and life happened. Families no longer seeing each other because we can no longer host lavish parties for everyone. It suddenly saddens me but I go back to what matters most this day — Christ

If family is important, then regardless of what state you are in life they should be simply there to show their care and support.  I guess I expected too much from our family. What I have right now is my mom. I cannot even imagine what my life will be if mom is gone. I can’t afford to lose another parent. I already accepted the pain of not having my dad during my puberty days and also being left by my Tito Edsel who took the role of my dad when he passed away. How I miss them so much right now. 

Today, we’ll be celebrating Christmas — share the love to everyone for Christ taught us to be selfless and grateful. Thank you God for your never ending love and faith. I hope someday I’ll have my own family and that this season will again be my most look forward season to celebrate life and family. 
May the loneliness I feel end soon and may the love of God continues to inspire me to live and believe that someday I’ll find what my heart truly desires. 

Merry Christmas!  🎅

 
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Posted by on December 24, 2016 in personal

 

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On Being 27

This ain’t the life I imagined to be 10 years ago. When I was a kid up to my puberty days, I planned my adulthood — I actually planned it too well. I wanted to settle down at 25 because I know that I already have a successful career and a husband who’ll be the father of our three beautiful and handsome kids. I will also have a lot of cars and purebred dogs. I’ve travelled to many places here and abroad. I am living my life so lavishly that people envy my success. 

Well, those are just my unrealized dreams. 

I’m now 27 with no savings, no car and no boyfriend. I am lost with what career to pursue despite the degrees I have. I am not even 30% of who I hoped to be. Quarter life crisis hits me up so well that I don’t know how to deal with it sometimes. 

I used to be idealistic with a lot of bulleted plans waiting to be checked. Even my day is used to be so well planned out. It also makes me feel so inefficient when I have a lot of remaining boxes waiting  to be ticked. I have no idea when I started to fully loosen up in being a perfectionist. Probably it’s when I realized that life is  better spent  spontaneously because planning can sometimes be too frustrating. Life is unfair, full of bullcraps and sorrows. Life is full of never ending heartbreaks, failures and unanswered prayers. Life is not about just being persistent to achieve. Life is all about timing and faith.

As I always tell myself, timing is never my strong suit in the deck of life. My success is not about luck but hardwork and pains. There are moments wherein I almost gave up,  nobody knows how I battled depression… how I almost decided to pull the trigger and bid goodbye to this world full of frustrations. I got my skeletons hid well in the closet masked by my positive demeanor. I am a universe full of secrets. I am mostly  alone in my battles but saved by friends who’ve been through worst — some bunch of psychos who survived depression well. I realized that not all happy people are happy and we all have stories to tell.

My faith in God never ceased despite of prayers unanswered. I yelled and hated him for not giving me the life I wanted. I begged for him to return my dad.  I screamed at him. I hated God so bad yet I submit to his will. I know God has a better plan — he always nail it at his own perfect time. I am not a church goer but I believe in God’s presence. I know he’ll always be there for me and that all my prayers will be addressed soon. 

I am blessed to have people who are there for me no matter what. I may not trust a lot but definitely glad to be trusted by most. I knew that somehow I did something right in my life. Even if I don’t have everything I wanted, I turned out to be someone better than I expected. All the bad memories made me more human. The pains I faced made me more empathetic. The heartbreaks I had made me a poet. Life made me feel more of a human being with better understanding of human nature and not just being purely driven to succeed because of my intelligence. I acknowledged my flaws and accepted it because it humbles me. I have controlled my egocentric self who feeds into every achievements I have. I now know my worth and I don’t seek to be recognized. Who I am is a product of both bad and good experiences that actually made me a person my mom and dad can actually be proud of. I live for them. I know they did great in raising me and I’m happy of my choices in life because I turned out to be more than they expected. I always overhear my Tito Edsel and Mama talking about how proud they are of me. They may not have express it verbally but the sacrifices they did for me says it all. My success is always dedicated for those people who believed in my prowess since Day 1 — Daddy,Mama and Tito Edsel. 

At 27, I am more mature in dealing with my life. I am still a work in progress. I still want to be a poet, a photographer, an artist, a celebrity and an ambassadress. I don’t know how I’ll reach for those crazy dreams but I’m willing to take that leap. I’ll probably get my life going towards the right direction ASAP.  I always pray for enlightenment in every decision I make. My life is a battle of tough choices between practicality and passion.

  • I wish to travel more and experience different culture. 
  • I wish to capture more beautiful sunrises and sunsets.
  •  I wish to have more sands to walk to. 
  • I wish to hear more waves roaring and watch its ebb and flow. 
  • I wish to drink more cups of coffee. 
  • I wish to write more haikus and share it to the world.
  • I wish to inspire more people to love poetry. 
  • I wish to spend more time with my aging mother. 
  • I wish for more moments under the stars. 
  • I wish to drink more alcohol and celebrate life’s successes and pitfalls. 
  • I wish to find someone who’ll tame my heart full of spite in the idea that forever exists. 
  • I wish to live my life full of faith in God’s perfect plan. 

I never felt so good after all these years and I hope at this age I’ll be able to make my wishes come true. I also hope to find a man who’ll see my worth and will have the courage to tell me he loves me not just a boy who’s intimidated by my success and won’t fight for his feelings. I need a man, not a boy who doesn’t know how to fight what he feels. I need someone who’ll never let me go. Someone who’ll show me that I’m worth the words and he’s worth the wait. 

At 27… I want life to finally happen as what God intended it to be. Please, God. Please. 

Amen.  

XOXO, 

Carol 😘

 
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Posted by on November 23, 2016 in personal

 

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Be Careful What You Wish For.

I was so dead tired last Saturday that I slept from 1pm – 2am. I woke up seeing missed calls from my former graduate school professor so I decided to text her and apologized for not being able to answer it. She told me that one of the biggest corporation in the sugar industry is currently hiring an Organizational Development Manager — a position that I really would love to have since it is more focus on improvement of current company processes by conducting research studies. I know I really want a career revamp since I feel that I am not really making progress anymore. The BPO industry is really dynamic and I owe a lot of my wisdom from my years of experience. I never knew I will last more than 5 years in this industry with my sanity intact. Change is inevitable and just like technology it is so drastic. If you are not resilient enough, you will surely decide to move out and find a company that would not test your patience. I love and at the same time hate my job for no apparent reasons, probably because most of the time I get too bored of doing same stuff but my salary surely pays the bill so it’s one motivation why I chose to stay.

Now, I got an opportunity to kiss my job goodbye and try a new adventure. I have been a YOLO kid with a Peter Pan complex. I mean as much as I want change in my career I am also scared of taking my life seriously. At 25, I want to fix my life but there’s this fear that I may no longer have the freedom to do what I want just like the way it was before. The BPO industry is so diversified unlike any other industries that we have. People of all shapes, sizes and ages are working together without any discrimination unlike some other industries. I mean this has been my comfort zone and I know I have been dying to move out since day 180 of my stay in this industry. I finished my bachelor’s degree in Computer Science yet I was not able to practice it at all. I decided to take up Masters in Business Administration and partly applying some of my learning in dealing with my colleagues and subordinates but it is still not enough. My heart seems to long for something I cannot still decipher what except my endless desire to write, to travel and to learn from other people’s way of dealing with life. My interest right now is more geared towards the complexities of human emotions and how each of us battle our daily lives. It is really more in psychology and humanities. I am a complete f*cked up, I know. I am strayed away from the path I traveled but I guess I am really learning more about myself.

I still cannot decide whether I will apply or not. I mean it is far from home prolly a 2 – hour travel plus it might require some seriousness and discipline which is scary but I know I can deal with that. It’s just that the mere thought of nailing it bites inside my heart because it means that I will be leaving my home. I know I have been whining for the past years of how bored or how monotonous my life can be sometimes but it’s not really the work, it’s the people I have been working for quite some time already that makes leaving quite difficult to imagine. I will surely miss working at night and having lunch at 2am in the morning. It made me live in New York timezone. I usually sleep in the morning and wake up in the afternoon. This kind of life that I used to live seems to be hard to forget. I mean, I was once an innocent noob who does not know how crazy the real world can be but now, I have become an independent woman who thrives hard in order to survive and regain my sanity. The real world is so daunting unlike the way we imagined it to be back when we are still learning everything in high school or in college.

I know I wanted this, I wished for this but I never knew that it will happen all of a sudden. I might think about it more and probably hear the catch first before deciding to take a leap of faith. I just want to be sure and be practical with my decision as I don’t want to leave my chill life as much as possible.

Here’s to another sleepless night, I hope my decision will be right!

 
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Posted by on September 7, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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How it has been so far?

I wanted to control my urge to write but I guess some feelings need to be vent out again for me to feel a little better.

I cut my hair recently.

I unfollowed my ex-friend in Tumblr.

I stopped caring.

Life was a bit simpler this past week and I can say I am back to my old sarcastic and half-witty self. I can now manage to see him without the desire to strangle him and scream what is wrong but I am actually still have my mood swings once in a while. I am still taming my monster side. Just when I thought I am able to manage my anger very well… oh yeah, I am back to square one. I am still my old self. 😲

I hate being mad because things become disastrous. I cannot stop myself from yelling or screaming or I have no idea what I can actually do. I actually prefer to cry instead of throwing something towards that person. I also walk away before I can hurt anyone. Anger does more harm than good.

I must admit I miss him but I am still wondering on the root cause of the sudden change in behavior. I have theories in mind but it won’t lead me into a concrete reason why he became indifferent. I asked myself, is it something I said? The text? What? I won’t assume that he loves me and plainly being confused or assume that he hates me because we are able to text each other after. He knows how I hate bullshit stuff and what he’s doing to me is actually bullshit at its finest. I can deal with the harsh truth than be stuck in a limbo of assumptions.

I was fighting for my feelings. I am shrugging it off because I fear rejection and commitment. I fear the pain that love brings. I fear too much attachment only to realized I lured myself into my own grave. I brought my fears into life and I am battling it right now. He was not my ideal guy but he complimented my brains and made me trust someone completely which rarely happens by the way. I got trust issues but with him I can be my ugly wasted self without caring what he might think of me. I am now writing this part with a heavy heart because I miss my bestfriend. I miss the random talks, foodtrips and laughtrips. It is so hard to be alright and accept that our friendship ended with a big question mark.

My pride tells me to stop reaching out and let things happen as they are meant to happen. I stopped chasing for answers and instead set a stupid timeline. I give you the space you wanted. I realized that I can actually survive without you. You know that feeling when you wanted to share a story and you are the first one who comes into my mind? I wanted to share it to you then we will laugh and forget about the stress we feel at work. I badly control myself not to ping you because my pride tells me that if you want to really talk to me you could have pinged me already weeks ago but you did not. You choose not to and I choose to let go.

I just think it is still unfair of you not telling me though. I guess I am not even worth an explanation.

I shrugged off my feelings because I still cling into that idea that maybe I will find someone who is as hot like Doug Kramer, as smart as Marc Nelson, as God-fearing as Paul Soriano, as cool as Drew Arellano, as handsome as Marlon Stockinger and as amazing as my father. I got this high standards when it comes to relationship only to realize that I have been shrugging my feelings for someone who is not even close to my ideals but complimented me in ways I can no longer explain. You are indeed my greatest nightmare dressed like a daydream. You are so much to take in. I wanted a man but I got a 30-year old boy who still does not know what he really wants in life. I know I deserve someone better as what our friends say but I still empathize with you. I fear your fears. I fear commitment. I fear being attached to you and be in an actual relationship because I am so afraid of your world. I do not know how to fit into it when I am the laidback type. I am low maintenance and the simple things can actually make me happy. I know our financial status is way different since I am the heir of my family’s financial problems. I grew up rich and suffered bankruptcy when I was 19. Life was never easy back then. I had my own issues to fix and my pride tells me that I need to be established first. I seek for a long term relationship. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with someone and not just enter into something half-baked. I prayed for that moment. I prayed hard.

We need to probably sort things out while we are sober and be honest about our fears and feelings. We cannot totally escape this by not talking and pretending one does not exist. I want to give the space you wanted before I totally confront you. This ain’t cool in dealing with life issues. I will never attain the peace I wanted with a hanging chapter in my life.

It’s still a blurry path to the unknown. Work exhausts me and I cannot help but displaced my anger to my supervisor who keeps on nagging us. I want to actually be blunt and just tell him that his ideas are sometimes stupid. I got raging hormones to deal with each day and I do not f*ckingly know how to be chill except of course if I choose to walk away and eat out at dawn alone. I need a break.

That’s it.

😤😥😧

 
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Posted by on August 11, 2015 in life

 

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Bantayan Island: Not Your Ordinary Paradise

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Chill Rating: ☺☺☺☺☺

One of the best weekend spent on the beach with friends. It’s so nice to finally commune in nature after some tiring week of school and work related stress. It has been my lifelong dream to travel and write about the world we are currently in. I must admit I am not really a writer, I am just a blogger who writes from her soul. This will be one of my few summer adventures that I will be blogging just because this place is really worth every single share. Bantayan Island is located west of the northernmost part of Cebu province. It’s actually one of the largest in the whole Bantayan Island Group which is composed of not more than 20 islands. Most tourists visit the island during Holy Week because it is the island’s fiesta. Party goers from all walks of life are enjoying the scenic view, eat, drink and definitely be merry! I love partying but since I am an ambivert ( partly extrovert, partly introvert) Bantayan is the best place for solitude so I rather choose Boracay for the party scene and let Bantayan be Bantayan — I want to savor its serenity and wander around when there’s a lesser crowd. Now, enough of my introduction and let’s start rehashing my less than 24 hours stay in the beautiful paradise that made me realized that life is too short to waste  in worries. I remembered swimming under the stars and the full moon. It was so blissful and should I say solitude at its finest. Thank you Lord for the needed break. I finally have unwind from all the hustles and bustles of my city life. I could not thank you enough for the beautiful weather and clear skies that night. I am in one with your creation and it has been an awesome experience . It actually reminded me that you exist and that you’ll always be there watching us no matter what.

And again, to cut the drama short… let’s start talking about Bantayan Island — such a beautiful place to wander.

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I left home at around 6:00 am and took the 6:50 bus to Cadiz for 95 pesos. When you reached the terminal, there will be trike drivers who will offer to bring you to the port where the fast craft is. It depends on the number of people so I suggest go in groups so that you’ll pay only 20 – 25 pesos from Cadiz terminal to its port. For 290 pesos, you’ll be able to reach Bantayan Island in 3 hours depending on the weather. Make sure you reached the port before 9:00 am or else, you’ll wait for tomorrow because there’s only one trip each day.

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Bantayan Island is 4 hours away from Bacolod and most of the travel time is spent on the sea. Nevertheless, the place is really worth the time spent waiting. After we reached Bantayan Port, we went to Grez Bell, a restaurant nearby which offers delicious and mouth watering delicacies. Since everyone is so busy with regard to the Pacman and Mayweather fight, we waited for almost an hour but again, it’s worth it. I ordered chicken curry and I swear I love it. My friends ordered steamed veggies and sizzling squid.

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After our oh so fully loaded meal — we are off to see more of the sun, sand and definitely the BEACH!!! Oh yeah! But first we roam around the municipality’s market to check out some goodies. It’s nice and very affordable.

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You need to ride a trike for 25 pesos in order to reach the beach resorts in Sta. Fe which is a 15 – 20 minute ride from the wharf.

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Most of my travel time was spent on daydreaming the white beaches and cloud watching.

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cloud watching to budyong

There are several beach front resorts you can choose from when you reach Bantayan Island. Prices of these resorts range as little as P1,500 to P5,000 per night. Finally, we’re in Budyong Beach Resort! Budyong Beach Resort is one of the most affordable resort in Bantayan Island. It is a nicec place to stay if you are into a great beach experience with your family and friends. The resort takes pride of its location and staff that are very helpful and accomodating. They are recommending activities that make your stay in the island very worthwhile and that includes tricycle transfers, boat and bike rentals. It’s one of the choices when you want a beach resort with powdery white sands and beachfront cottages that offers the best view of the sea. Swimming in front of the resort is also good because the water is clean,cool and no big rocks that can hurt your feet whether it’s high tide or low tide. The place is so serene and calm, just the perfect place for you to destress and unwind. I will surely recommend the resort to my friends.

Budyong Beach Resort Website: http://budyong.byethost7.com/budyong/index.html

For reservations and inquiries, please feel free to reach them thru the following: 

Phone : (032) 438-9285
Mobile : 09213145275
Email : budyongbeachresort@hotmail.com

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Best place to stay with family or friends and just commune with nature.

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We stayed in a fan room worth 1300 pesos which is already good for 4 persons and the only room available that day.

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Front Desk

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Time to feel the island vibe first before we start the fun… fresh green mango shake from Budyong’s Restaurant! It is so refreshing — definitely a must try.

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More pictures of Budyong Beach Resort hoping it will entice you too to stay there… 🙂

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It was such a beautiful place to stay. Late in the afternoon after we’ve settled down, we decided to go island hopping, snorkeling and swimming. It was an amazing experience unfortunately I don’t have a watercam or GoPro to capture the corals and fishes that I’ve seen as well as the beautiful full moon that really capped of my stay. It was a one of a kind experience — my Bantayan Universe experience.

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The moon that is so full and BEAUTIFUL! The best island experience.

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I am such a speed fan and it’s nice to be reunited with an old love. Happiness on wheels and brakes, I am swooned and so excited to test my biking skills after all these years.

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And just what I’ve thought… I still got the skills. I feel so alive and happy. It’s me and my bike to places I’ve never been. Thank you Bantayan Island for making me feel like a kid again. I owe you such a memorable experience. Thank you Lord for keeping me safe too. 🙂

After the island hopping adventures, we were super hungry. We rented bikes and pedalled our way to the most recommended restaurant of the locals — HR Restaurant. Time to fill the growling stomach with sumptous delicacies. Gambas! Chicken! Sinigang! Halo-Halo! Yahoooooo!

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The bar is actually so chill but I decided to be sober that day. I swear I’ll drink on my next visit.

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 And my friends went to buy something as souvenirs while I am biking all over the various blocks.

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Time to swim under the moon and the stars. I will just close my eyes and rekindle the most beautiful memory. Solitude at its finest. I was just there lying on the sand under the infinite stars watching the clouds clear up to give way to the moon. Definitely a-MAY-zing! 🙂

I woke up early to catch the breaking dawn and I was not able to miss it. I was there watching the sun as it totally breaks free.

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Now, time for my usual beach routine — a walk in the beach, alone. There is really something about solitude that makes me feel alive. I know I am weird but I guess I am used to that alone but never lonely feeling. I got God watching me and I am watching his creations. Every beach trip is always an experience I cherished. I captured some of the sights I saw while walking the long stretch of white sand.

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After some walking, time for some biking before we go home.

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Saying goodbye was a little bit hard but the experience is fulfilling. I think I left a piece of my heart to the island that fueled my artistic side. I can now write my thoughts and emotions again. I must say — I was so happy in less than 24 hours and I will definitely come back soon.

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Goodbye island life, until we meet again.

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Posted by on May 5, 2015 in 25, adventures, beach, life, personal, travel

 

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What I Did Today…

No fancy lunch or dinner… I choose to be alone in my room while my family watches Pacman versus Alghieri which of course is another stupid fight because I know Pacman will definitely win it.

I opened my bedside table and rekindled my childhood years. The things I decided to forget were actually well documented. I realized that I’ve been lost for quite some time already… I’ve survived because of pride. I’m alone because of pride… because I’ll never tell the man I love how much he means to me. I’m afraid of getting hurt due to the shards of my broken heart.

2005:

11/23/2005

It’s my 16th birthday. Well it’s not that great. I’m 16 and it’s really boring. Lord, thanks for this day. It’s been 16 years of struggling between me and the imperfections of the world. It’s hard but you didn’t hesitate to light my path and showing me the wonders of your creation, for replenishing my soul and inspiring my life with your word.


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Thank you for all the blessings and for the problems that you gave me because it made me into a person full of strength, courage and hope.  Thanks Lord.

Wow, never thought I’m actually mature at 16. I’m proud of myself. 🙂

2006:

Surprisingly I found this letter I wrote 8 years ago.

I’m sorry.

I already paid the consequences of my actions. I suffered a lot. I shed buckets of tears. I wrote a lot. I remembered last March 2006, I thought everything was fine between the two of us after you congratulated me before my graduation day. Comes June 2006, we saw each other yet we never said hi. We’re like strangers.

…. Insert all the bitter stuffs here ”

Years have passed. 2014 was the year that changed it all. I was able to find that courage to ask you questions I dreaded the most. We’re able to fix the friendship. We’re able to talk about how crazy our so called relationship was. It might be a product of a terrible lie but we both know the emotions were real and I told you how I loved you so much it took me hell lot of time to finally forgive myself after what I did to you. Thank you for forgiving me too. You’ve been the best pain I had endured for quite some time because it made be better and wiser.

2007:

I also wrote this commandments of Love last May 27,2007…

1. Thou shall love myself above all.
2. Thou shall not assume or hope when someone I think is “the one” comes along.
3. Thou shall look at the physical attributes first but what makes me stick is the goodness of the soul.
4.Thou shall think thoroughly before deciding something.
5. Thou shall court my family first before thyself.
6. Thou shall respect and dig what I want so as I to him.
7. Thou shall be open minded, understanding and loving all the time.
8.Thou shall prioritize my studies before love or thou shall prioritize my work and my passion.
9. Thou shall learn to accept each other’s flaws and indifferences.
10.Thou shall not be jealous or insecure, must develop one’s sense of trust.

No wonder I’m turning out to be an old maid.

It was somewhere in 2007 when I decided to fully embraced the positives. I got to admit, teenage life really sucks. I’ve been an emo kid who listens to Fall Out Boys and other Punk artists. I’m disgusted now of my own drama before. If only I can turn back the hours I could have not wasted my teen years wallowing how shitty my life was. Suicidal thoughts…  It was never ending yet I don’t have the courage to do it. Good thing though. Life’s still worth living despite the jaded and frustrating times.

At a very young age, my self awareness is really great. I acknowledged the fact that I’m egoistic. I live to feed my soul, to bring pride and worth to myself. My world used to revolve on achievements, good grades, service to others and doing my passions. It was exhausting yet it was fulfilling. I also acknowledged the fact that at 16 I’m not really good in expressing my emotions. I write my feelings and rarely talk about it. Blogging and writing my thoughts make me happy. I would prefer people to call me a nerd than a bitch.

2011:

05/09/2011

Dear God,

—– is in a relationship. Well, people around me are except me. I always pray for that one special person to finally come, for that someone I’ll spend forever with. Heaven forbids I’ll grow up alone.

God, I hope he’s worth the wait. I trust you and please grant me the patience as I wait for him while I become a better version of myself.

Carol. 

— I’m deep.  Yeah,  3 years have passed and I’m still praying the same thing. Gugreaaaat! 

2013

03/24/2013

Dear 9 month older self,

I wrote because I love to write or maybe because I got inspired by watching Perks of Being a Wallflower. Things are getting rough right now and work still sucks. I’m actually confused if I’ll still give it another shot.

I’m lost.
I still don’t know what to do with my life. I’ve got plans but certainly don’t know where to start. I want to be a wedding planner, graphic designer, blogger, team leader and the list goes on and on. I hope that by the time you’re reading this letter you’ve already started on what you really wanted to be.

Love.
Oh well. I must say things are going well between me and ——-. We’re not together but he’s special. I hope I’ll be able to ask him the questions I longed to ask him. If he’s not the one, I hope I’ll be able to find someone because it’s been too long already and it’s about time to be inspired and happy. I hope things will turn out to be great between the two of us, I really hope so.

Family.
I hope nothing bad will happen. 

Old self, I hope you’ve done something great before the year ends.  I don’t want you to cry and feel that you are weak. You’re awesome!  You’re great!  I know the struggles I’m in right now will soon fade away and I hope it’ll all make sense by the time you’re reading this.  I know things will be great and I just hope that it’ll be.

❤,

Carol

That was shocking though, I never read that letter until today.

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Well I’m halfway there. I’m still lost but I’m now a team lead trainee finishing her Master’s degree in business. Love wise…  I’m still inlove with the same guy and I still don’t have the courage to ask him the questions whose answers I dread the most.

I guess I didn’t age much. My mindset is still the same and my faith untarnished. I am still that 16 year old kid who trusts his Savior so much.

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I’ll continue my journey in finding the meaning of today. Every stitch, every struggle, every pain has a reason and all I need is a little faith and trust.

Thanks to awesome friends who’ve been there for me through good times and the bad. Yaaay grabbing some pictures from my Facebook friends.

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Thanks for giving me the sanity to survive each day. Thanks for the never ending support.

Also, thanks to my mama for raising me. I’m not a perfect daughter but you’ve been a good provider to me.

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Posted by on November 23, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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