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Blogging Challenge Day 1: Share Where You See Yourself In 10 Years

It’s been a while since the last time I blogged my thoughts. Honestly, I tried hard to write, tried even harder to sum up my ideas and ended up in despair. It’s that time of the year again where I suffer from occasional writer’s block, a lame reason I made up to justify my laziness. I need to gather my thoughts and write something sensible or should I say personal just like what I’ve been doing for almost a decade here in WordPress.

Today I challenged myself to write again just because I want to do something special 30 days before I turn 29. Birthday blues are brewing within my system but work life keeps my mind too preoccupied that it has no time to be sad. I searched some topics online to somehow keep me alive in the field I am pretty much interested into and found some son called cure. I got this idea from Pinterest and I’m excited to start my own but I’ll somehow tweak it a bit. I won’t follow Katy’s suggestion on what needs to go first, I rather make up my own list and survive this one-month of cerebral journey.

Thanks to KatyWidrick.com

Day 1 is supposed to be a quick run through of my current relationship status but I don’t feel that topic to jump start this list of thoughts. I want to share more of myself and my goals for the next 10 years because by then I’ll be 38 and that’s pretty old. 👵

Dear God, I see myself as a materialistic asshole with this list I made and please forgive me as it is still a work in progress:

  1. Driving a pick-up or an SUV off-road somewhere with friends or family just because it’s weekend.
  2. Graduating with another post grad degree probably in Psychology or finishing Law School and be an attorney.
  3. Travelling to more places internationally… ( Singapore, Japan, Indonesia, Malaysia, Europe, Thailand, Hongkong, Taiwan and more…)
  4. Being with my love in Palawan, Siargao and Batanes as well as arguing on what stories we’ll start publishing and sorting out our ideas on what to do, where to go next
  5. Getting promoted at work and developing my skills or finally resigning to get a job that would enhance my skillset and make me work outside of my comfort zone. I am interested into strategic management and corporate planning but I also wanna go away from traditional and rigid way of implementing processes.
  6. Building a huge following in Instagram and engaging more people to appreciate poetry and photography. I might as well try spoken poetry.
  7. Publishing a coffee table book that includes my haikus and poems.
  8. Having a big birthday celebration for my mom and be with her most of the time. I just want her to always remember my name.
  9. Getting married and having 2-3 kids.
  10. Being financially free and live a comfortable life.

The list goes on as time passes by but I want to go back to this post one day to check if I was able to work on my plans. I even sent a copy of this to myself via FutureMe.org to review after a decade.

It’s refreshing to feel a little bit of pressure after a long time. I never wanted to force myself to write but I got to, I need to. Coming up with this post is nerve wracking but I’m glad I was able to finish this with a joy in my heart. This is just the start of something new.

Thanks for visiting! 💓

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Posted by on October 22, 2018 in personal

 

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Have I Gone Mad? 

I’ve written too much these past few years and my blog posts showcase my thoughts on a gloomy day. It’s a series of rants, unspoken words and poetry that reveals a not so typical piece of me. Words are my refuge in times when my heart is full of rage, despair, happiness and loneliness. What I’ve written all these years are my emotions waiting to be judge by the public who does not know the real me. I wear my heart on my sleeve perfectly in each piece of literary mayhem. It conveys emotions that are cryptic to some yet true friends know what I exactly mean. Well, people have their own opinions and I’ve lived past their scrutiny. 

I have known myself from all its recesses and how my emotions can fluctuate from time to time. I’m a reservoir waiting to be filled by memories and circumstances — sometimes shines, sometimes covered with darkness. 

I know how to tame my inner beast during the peak of my emotions as it eats my sanity away. I growl for respect and revenge is always sweeter if achieved. I am a monster when in rage and it’s hard to tame myself when justice ain’t sought. 

Looking myself in the mirror again, I’ve grown fast. The loneliness in my eyes were replaced by hope and the faith within have been stronger. I’ve overcome life’s worst and here I am standing still, brushing off the dusts from yesteryears battle. Another montage of past events on repeat, I’ve sorted it based on how I’ve successfully handled it. Not all emotions were retrieved but the memories were so clear. Where did the old me go? The one who sulks in one corner; the one who cried herself to sleep slowly losing hope in this world; the one who held the gun wanting to shoot herself; the one who travelled to find herself; the one who gave up on love just because she felt that she’s unworthy; the one who created her own euphoria by writing poetry; and the hopeless romantic. 

I touched myself trying to feel it’s realness. I am alive. I know people have judged me for what I’ve wrote, for what I’ve act and for the decisions I made. I don’t owe anyone an explanation. I always put my faith to test this humanity. My heart wanted to let people see how I’ve seen it. I wanted to negotiate and make both ends meet no matter how hard it is. I’ve wanted to explain to people who got hurt by my words and actions to let them understand. I wanted peace and happiness but I realized that not all people see life the way I see it. 

Yes, I am innocent sometimes. The patience I extend are oftentimes abused. The niceness I project is always being challenged by circumstances. Some people provoke my own demons and they summon my own beast, the beast I’m trying to kill for quite some time. This beast is egocentric and hates injustice. It wanted to give detractors a taste of their own medicine. It symbolizes strength, power and evilness of my soul. It humbly waits for its prey who trespasses the danger zone. It is hard to tame sometimes but has been tamed all the time. 

I have been better all these years — such an honor and uplifts thy soul. 

The anger in my heart have been constantly healed by love and appreciation. I pray to God for patience and wisdom to understand and respond to situations in a manner that I won’t regret. I need to be better, I remind myself all the time. You can’t buy class, you exhibit it. People like me may think of ways to seek revenge but I believe karma has its own way of dealing with our lives. If you know you did not do anything wrong, you can sleep well at night. Wish people well instead.

I pray for peace and trust. I pray for a life I deserve. I pray for patience and love. I pray for forgiveness to those who’ve talked behind me, judged me and for those who’ve said nasty words. I know there will be no peace in my heart if I keep on looking back to those days where I got hurt. To keep going is harder than before if I let my useless emotional baggages drag me. I’ve been assured and that’s what I’ve trying to hold on right now. Until that day comes along, I’ll keep going and I’ll choose to be better. 

 
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Posted by on January 10, 2018 in personal, Uncategorized

 

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Rants and Bottled Feelings.

My life seems to be so rudimentary that I usually know how to end and start it. It’s always a series of fortunate and unfortunate events and tests of faith that started way back when my innocence in life got stained by realities. I live a so-so life with pretty much nothing exciting to talk about except of course my rants about life, my work, love gone to heaven so as the fragments of my hope in humanity. Media made me hate those extremists whose causes I don’t actually get. Taxes that suck my hope in our government. Multiple work mails I need to reply. My chaotic mind with a lot of dreams yet still I’m stuck in my own comfort zone who pretty much sucks up my remaining hope in myself. Of course, I get paid but yeah — I still live beyond limits without using my full potential. 

It’s another day of rants so please forgive me.

My mind is such a terrible place to be in. Everyday I get to experience various weather like feels. Sometimes it’s sunny where I tend to have positive thoughts or days when my lurkers start to suck up all the positive ions and left me with undesirable thoughts that can be intoxicating sometimes. Today, I just feel like eating my favorite pie somewhere and talk about nonsense.

As I grow older, people come and people just go. Sometimes we all wish old friends will make time when you’re in dire need of someone but geez I’m not the Hannah Baker type who lashes out in mixtapes how my friends disappointed me big time. It’s just how it is. You just got to live life and be appreciative of people who remembers you and understand those who can’t make time. 


As I tried to be normal at home, I suddenly miss how rowdy it used to be. I missed watching news with my uncle and talk about it during dinner. Pepper is usually hyperactive so we both need to tone her down. Our cat who would just sit in our laps and my mom asking what the news is all about is the typical 6pm scene. Those sepia images of our life before daunted me while I’m drinking beer on a work day and instead of feeling sentimental, I felt surreal. 

I wonder what this home will be like couple of years from now. Will I be alone watching TV with popcorn, chips and beer because I rather be drunk than feel the misery? Will I be with my mom still and live like today? Will I be somewhere else wondering what have happened to our used to be home? The thoughts are too much to bear. I can’t live alone but I can’t leave… Either way it both sucks but I might need to plan everything out before it’s too late.

Work will still be something I need to do to live my wants. I am tired living the employee life and studying much on how to be a better entrepreneur. I need my mind to work and I need growth. I need a life away from the four corners of this corporate world.

I feel so dysfunctional. It’s not the usual routine 12 months ago but what I’m doing each day starts to feel so familiar. I don’t know how my heart functions today especially to the things it used to do or even feel. I started not to care about the world, not to hope, not to assume and not to feel. I’ve totally succumbed into the DGAF mindset. Everything seems to be driven by logic and reasons which pretty much bores me. I’m losing the substance of my own thoughts when I try to write about what I deeply feel — the unwritten chapters now bothering and it’s hard to express what my soul resonates. My mind dies as my heart passionately writes nothing. It’s the killer silence, the panacea of my being.

Until that day comes… 

End. 

 
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Posted by on June 7, 2017 in personal

 

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My 2016 Christmas 

It’s my 27th Christmas already and I could not imagine how fast time can actually fly. After Tito Edsel’s death, life seems to be different and each day is so incomplete. I tend not to think about it because I can feel my heart being ripped by memories of us during Christmas Eve. 

Work also consumes me too much that most of my time is spent in the office. I watched myself being drowned by my goals only to realized that I’m sacrificing what really matters most — my time for myself and my mom. 

I am thankful for everything that have happened in my life. God has been not too nice to me but it made me better in the end. Life has been a series of great and tragic times that widen my own understanding of it. Tonight as I watch the blinking of the lights in my room, I came to a realization that all I want for Christmas is peace. It seems that my mind has been so chaotic because of my unrealized dreams and unfulfilled goals. As I search through my heart, I can smell its loneliness from afar.  As I pick up all the fragments of my heart, I can see my old self through the broken shards; young, vibrant and full of hopes. 

I grew up wishing Santa is real and that he’ll grant all my wishes. My childhood is so beautiful and every Christmas is the season I totally look forward for.  Families are together with lots of food meant to be shared. Truly, it’s the season to be jolly. As I moved towards adulthood, I realized Santa is just an ordinary person with a costume and fake white beard. Christmas suddenly became different and life happened. Families no longer seeing each other because we can no longer host lavish parties for everyone. It suddenly saddens me but I go back to what matters most this day — Christ

If family is important, then regardless of what state you are in life they should be simply there to show their care and support.  I guess I expected too much from our family. What I have right now is my mom. I cannot even imagine what my life will be if mom is gone. I can’t afford to lose another parent. I already accepted the pain of not having my dad during my puberty days and also being left by my Tito Edsel who took the role of my dad when he passed away. How I miss them so much right now. 

Today, we’ll be celebrating Christmas — share the love to everyone for Christ taught us to be selfless and grateful. Thank you God for your never ending love and faith. I hope someday I’ll have my own family and that this season will again be my most look forward season to celebrate life and family. 
May the loneliness I feel end soon and may the love of God continues to inspire me to live and believe that someday I’ll find what my heart truly desires. 

Merry Christmas!  🎅

 
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Posted by on December 24, 2016 in personal

 

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On Being 27

This ain’t the life I imagined to be 10 years ago. When I was a kid up to my puberty days, I planned my adulthood — I actually planned it too well. I wanted to settle down at 25 because I know that I already have a successful career and a husband who’ll be the father of our three beautiful and handsome kids. I will also have a lot of cars and purebred dogs. I’ve travelled to many places here and abroad. I am living my life so lavishly that people envy my success. 

Well, those are just my unrealized dreams. 

I’m now 27 with no savings, no car and no boyfriend. I am lost with what career to pursue despite the degrees I have. I am not even 30% of who I hoped to be. Quarter life crisis hits me up so well that I don’t know how to deal with it sometimes. 

I used to be idealistic with a lot of bulleted plans waiting to be checked. Even my day is used to be so well planned out. It also makes me feel so inefficient when I have a lot of remaining boxes waiting  to be ticked. I have no idea when I started to fully loosen up in being a perfectionist. Probably it’s when I realized that life is  better spent  spontaneously because planning can sometimes be too frustrating. Life is unfair, full of bullcraps and sorrows. Life is full of never ending heartbreaks, failures and unanswered prayers. Life is not about just being persistent to achieve. Life is all about timing and faith.

As I always tell myself, timing is never my strong suit in the deck of life. My success is not about luck but hardwork and pains. There are moments wherein I almost gave up,  nobody knows how I battled depression… how I almost decided to pull the trigger and bid goodbye to this world full of frustrations. I got my skeletons hid well in the closet masked by my positive demeanor. I am a universe full of secrets. I am mostly  alone in my battles but saved by friends who’ve been through worst — some bunch of psychos who survived depression well. I realized that not all happy people are happy and we all have stories to tell.

My faith in God never ceased despite of prayers unanswered. I yelled and hated him for not giving me the life I wanted. I begged for him to return my dad.  I screamed at him. I hated God so bad yet I submit to his will. I know God has a better plan — he always nail it at his own perfect time. I am not a church goer but I believe in God’s presence. I know he’ll always be there for me and that all my prayers will be addressed soon. 

I am blessed to have people who are there for me no matter what. I may not trust a lot but definitely glad to be trusted by most. I knew that somehow I did something right in my life. Even if I don’t have everything I wanted, I turned out to be someone better than I expected. All the bad memories made me more human. The pains I faced made me more empathetic. The heartbreaks I had made me a poet. Life made me feel more of a human being with better understanding of human nature and not just being purely driven to succeed because of my intelligence. I acknowledged my flaws and accepted it because it humbles me. I have controlled my egocentric self who feeds into every achievements I have. I now know my worth and I don’t seek to be recognized. Who I am is a product of both bad and good experiences that actually made me a person my mom and dad can actually be proud of. I live for them. I know they did great in raising me and I’m happy of my choices in life because I turned out to be more than they expected. I always overhear my Tito Edsel and Mama talking about how proud they are of me. They may not have express it verbally but the sacrifices they did for me says it all. My success is always dedicated for those people who believed in my prowess since Day 1 — Daddy,Mama and Tito Edsel. 

At 27, I am more mature in dealing with my life. I am still a work in progress. I still want to be a poet, a photographer, an artist, a celebrity and an ambassadress. I don’t know how I’ll reach for those crazy dreams but I’m willing to take that leap. I’ll probably get my life going towards the right direction ASAP.  I always pray for enlightenment in every decision I make. My life is a battle of tough choices between practicality and passion.

  • I wish to travel more and experience different culture. 
  • I wish to capture more beautiful sunrises and sunsets.
  •  I wish to have more sands to walk to. 
  • I wish to hear more waves roaring and watch its ebb and flow. 
  • I wish to drink more cups of coffee. 
  • I wish to write more haikus and share it to the world.
  • I wish to inspire more people to love poetry. 
  • I wish to spend more time with my aging mother. 
  • I wish for more moments under the stars. 
  • I wish to drink more alcohol and celebrate life’s successes and pitfalls. 
  • I wish to find someone who’ll tame my heart full of spite in the idea that forever exists. 
  • I wish to live my life full of faith in God’s perfect plan. 

I never felt so good after all these years and I hope at this age I’ll be able to make my wishes come true. I also hope to find a man who’ll see my worth and will have the courage to tell me he loves me not just a boy who’s intimidated by my success and won’t fight for his feelings. I need a man, not a boy who doesn’t know how to fight what he feels. I need someone who’ll never let me go. Someone who’ll show me that I’m worth the words and he’s worth the wait. 

At 27… I want life to finally happen as what God intended it to be. Please, God. Please. 

Amen.  

XOXO, 

Carol 😘

 
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Posted by on November 23, 2016 in personal

 

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Be Careful What You Wish For.

I was so dead tired last Saturday that I slept from 1pm – 2am. I woke up seeing missed calls from my former graduate school professor so I decided to text her and apologized for not being able to answer it. She told me that one of the biggest corporation in the sugar industry is currently hiring an Organizational Development Manager — a position that I really would love to have since it is more focus on improvement of current company processes by conducting research studies. I know I really want a career revamp since I feel that I am not really making progress anymore. The BPO industry is really dynamic and I owe a lot of my wisdom from my years of experience. I never knew I will last more than 5 years in this industry with my sanity intact. Change is inevitable and just like technology it is so drastic. If you are not resilient enough, you will surely decide to move out and find a company that would not test your patience. I love and at the same time hate my job for no apparent reasons, probably because most of the time I get too bored of doing same stuff but my salary surely pays the bill so it’s one motivation why I chose to stay.

Now, I got an opportunity to kiss my job goodbye and try a new adventure. I have been a YOLO kid with a Peter Pan complex. I mean as much as I want change in my career I am also scared of taking my life seriously. At 25, I want to fix my life but there’s this fear that I may no longer have the freedom to do what I want just like the way it was before. The BPO industry is so diversified unlike any other industries that we have. People of all shapes, sizes and ages are working together without any discrimination unlike some other industries. I mean this has been my comfort zone and I know I have been dying to move out since day 180 of my stay in this industry. I finished my bachelor’s degree in Computer Science yet I was not able to practice it at all. I decided to take up Masters in Business Administration and partly applying some of my learning in dealing with my colleagues and subordinates but it is still not enough. My heart seems to long for something I cannot still decipher what except my endless desire to write, to travel and to learn from other people’s way of dealing with life. My interest right now is more geared towards the complexities of human emotions and how each of us battle our daily lives. It is really more in psychology and humanities. I am a complete f*cked up, I know. I am strayed away from the path I traveled but I guess I am really learning more about myself.

I still cannot decide whether I will apply or not. I mean it is far from home prolly a 2 – hour travel plus it might require some seriousness and discipline which is scary but I know I can deal with that. It’s just that the mere thought of nailing it bites inside my heart because it means that I will be leaving my home. I know I have been whining for the past years of how bored or how monotonous my life can be sometimes but it’s not really the work, it’s the people I have been working for quite some time already that makes leaving quite difficult to imagine. I will surely miss working at night and having lunch at 2am in the morning. It made me live in New York timezone. I usually sleep in the morning and wake up in the afternoon. This kind of life that I used to live seems to be hard to forget. I mean, I was once an innocent noob who does not know how crazy the real world can be but now, I have become an independent woman who thrives hard in order to survive and regain my sanity. The real world is so daunting unlike the way we imagined it to be back when we are still learning everything in high school or in college.

I know I wanted this, I wished for this but I never knew that it will happen all of a sudden. I might think about it more and probably hear the catch first before deciding to take a leap of faith. I just want to be sure and be practical with my decision as I don’t want to leave my chill life as much as possible.

Here’s to another sleepless night, I hope my decision will be right!

 
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Posted by on September 7, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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How it has been so far?

I wanted to control my urge to write but I guess some feelings need to be vent out again for me to feel a little better.

I cut my hair recently.

I unfollowed my ex-friend in Tumblr.

I stopped caring.

Life was a bit simpler this past week and I can say I am back to my old sarcastic and half-witty self. I can now manage to see him without the desire to strangle him and scream what is wrong but I am actually still have my mood swings once in a while. I am still taming my monster side. Just when I thought I am able to manage my anger very well… oh yeah, I am back to square one. I am still my old self. 😲

I hate being mad because things become disastrous. I cannot stop myself from yelling or screaming or I have no idea what I can actually do. I actually prefer to cry instead of throwing something towards that person. I also walk away before I can hurt anyone. Anger does more harm than good.

I must admit I miss him but I am still wondering on the root cause of the sudden change in behavior. I have theories in mind but it won’t lead me into a concrete reason why he became indifferent. I asked myself, is it something I said? The text? What? I won’t assume that he loves me and plainly being confused or assume that he hates me because we are able to text each other after. He knows how I hate bullshit stuff and what he’s doing to me is actually bullshit at its finest. I can deal with the harsh truth than be stuck in a limbo of assumptions.

I was fighting for my feelings. I am shrugging it off because I fear rejection and commitment. I fear the pain that love brings. I fear too much attachment only to realized I lured myself into my own grave. I brought my fears into life and I am battling it right now. He was not my ideal guy but he complimented my brains and made me trust someone completely which rarely happens by the way. I got trust issues but with him I can be my ugly wasted self without caring what he might think of me. I am now writing this part with a heavy heart because I miss my bestfriend. I miss the random talks, foodtrips and laughtrips. It is so hard to be alright and accept that our friendship ended with a big question mark.

My pride tells me to stop reaching out and let things happen as they are meant to happen. I stopped chasing for answers and instead set a stupid timeline. I give you the space you wanted. I realized that I can actually survive without you. You know that feeling when you wanted to share a story and you are the first one who comes into my mind? I wanted to share it to you then we will laugh and forget about the stress we feel at work. I badly control myself not to ping you because my pride tells me that if you want to really talk to me you could have pinged me already weeks ago but you did not. You choose not to and I choose to let go.

I just think it is still unfair of you not telling me though. I guess I am not even worth an explanation.

I shrugged off my feelings because I still cling into that idea that maybe I will find someone who is as hot like Doug Kramer, as smart as Marc Nelson, as God-fearing as Paul Soriano, as cool as Drew Arellano, as handsome as Marlon Stockinger and as amazing as my father. I got this high standards when it comes to relationship only to realize that I have been shrugging my feelings for someone who is not even close to my ideals but complimented me in ways I can no longer explain. You are indeed my greatest nightmare dressed like a daydream. You are so much to take in. I wanted a man but I got a 30-year old boy who still does not know what he really wants in life. I know I deserve someone better as what our friends say but I still empathize with you. I fear your fears. I fear commitment. I fear being attached to you and be in an actual relationship because I am so afraid of your world. I do not know how to fit into it when I am the laidback type. I am low maintenance and the simple things can actually make me happy. I know our financial status is way different since I am the heir of my family’s financial problems. I grew up rich and suffered bankruptcy when I was 19. Life was never easy back then. I had my own issues to fix and my pride tells me that I need to be established first. I seek for a long term relationship. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with someone and not just enter into something half-baked. I prayed for that moment. I prayed hard.

We need to probably sort things out while we are sober and be honest about our fears and feelings. We cannot totally escape this by not talking and pretending one does not exist. I want to give the space you wanted before I totally confront you. This ain’t cool in dealing with life issues. I will never attain the peace I wanted with a hanging chapter in my life.

It’s still a blurry path to the unknown. Work exhausts me and I cannot help but displaced my anger to my supervisor who keeps on nagging us. I want to actually be blunt and just tell him that his ideas are sometimes stupid. I got raging hormones to deal with each day and I do not f*ckingly know how to be chill except of course if I choose to walk away and eat out at dawn alone. I need a break.

That’s it.

😤😥😧

 
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Posted by on August 11, 2015 in life

 

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