RSS

Tag Archives: personal

Rants and Bottled Feelings.

My life seems to be so rudimentary that I usually know how to end and start it. It’s always a series of fortunate and unfortunate events and tests of faith that started way back when my innocence in life got stained by realities. I live a so-so life with pretty much nothing exciting to talk about except of course my rants about life, my work, love gone to heaven so as the fragments of my hope in humanity. Media made me hate those extremists whose causes I don’t actually get. Taxes that suck my hope in our government. Multiple work mails I need to reply. My chaotic mind with a lot of dreams yet still I’m stuck in my own comfort zone who pretty much sucks up my remaining hope in myself. Of course, I get paid but yeah — I still live beyond limits without using my full potential. 

It’s another day of rants so please forgive me.

My mind is such a terrible place to be in. Everyday I get to experience various weather like feels. Sometimes it’s sunny where I tend to have positive thoughts or days when my lurkers start to suck up all the positive ions and left me with undesirable thoughts that can be intoxicating sometimes. Today, I just feel like eating my favorite pie somewhere and talk about nonsense.

As I grow older, people come and people just go. Sometimes we all wish old friends will make time when you’re in dire need of someone but geez I’m not the Hannah Baker type who lashes out in mixtapes how my friends disappointed me big time. It’s just how it is. You just got to live life and be appreciative of people who remembers you and understand those who can’t make time. 


As I tried to be normal at home, I suddenly miss how rowdy it used to be. I missed watching news with my uncle and talk about it during dinner. Pepper is usually hyperactive so we both need to tone her down. Our cat who would just sit in our laps and my mom asking what the news is all about is the typical 6pm scene. Those sepia images of our life before daunted me while I’m drinking beer on a work day and instead of feeling sentimental, I felt surreal. 

I wonder what this home will be like couple of years from now. Will I be alone watching TV with popcorn, chips and beer because I rather be drunk than feel the misery? Will I be with my mom still and live like today? Will I be somewhere else wondering what have happened to our used to be home? The thoughts are too much to bear. I can’t live alone but I can’t leave… Either way it both sucks but I might need to plan everything out before it’s too late.

Work will still be something I need to do to live my wants. I am tired living the employee life and studying much on how to be a better entrepreneur. I need my mind to work and I need growth. I need a life away from the four corners of this corporate world.

I feel so dysfunctional. It’s not the usual routine 12 months ago but what I’m doing each day starts to feel so familiar. I don’t know how my heart functions today especially to the things it used to do or even feel. I started not to care about the world, not to hope, not to assume and not to feel. I’ve totally succumbed into the DGAF mindset. Everything seems to be driven by logic and reasons which pretty much bores me. I’m losing the substance of my own thoughts when I try to write about what I deeply feel — the unwritten chapters now bothering and it’s hard to express what my soul resonates. My mind dies as my heart passionately writes nothing. It’s the killer silence, the panacea of my being.

Until that day comes… 

End. 

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on June 7, 2017 in personal

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

On Friendships That Stayed and Lost.

On Friendships That Stayed and Lost.

Humans as we are are born to be social creatures. True to that cliche saying, no man is indeed an island.

Back in highschool, I think having lots of circles will make me cool and famous. I got my own set of friends that dig in my interests and I got other circles I join sometimes to talk about computers and WWE. I can say that I’m friendly even if I had one or two classmates I haven’t talked to until almost graduation. 

In college, I’m such a social creature as I’ve joined several organizations. I can’t say I’m famous but I got a lot of networks from other clubs making it more easier to meet others. Smiling, nodding and saying hi has been a daily thing.

Today, I realized that in order to be better I don’t actually need millions of people that would say hi to me and would invite me out for a party or dinner or whatever they want to do. As I grow older, I think of friendships as a loaded ship where those that don’t matter will just weigh you down and will just capsized everything.

I choose my friends wisely. I choose people who can enter my life as precise as possible. Yes, I do have trust issues. I let those people in because they deserve to know my quirky demons, both tamed and untamed. God gave me this weird instincts that know how to distinguish a good company or not so I’m making use of it all the time. I am not sorry to those that I don’t want to be in my life because I can sense that you won’t understand at all instead you’ll feed into my miseries and will just kill me with your words when I’m not around. I don’t like to be with people who make fun of others to feel better about themselves. I don’t like to be with people who think they are better than others just because they are smart and famous. I don’t want to be with people who befriends you because they have intentions. I don’t like to be with people who’s ain’t my frequency and vibe. 

I stick with people who makes me glad that I’m alive. I like to spend my time with colleagues, subordinates and friends whose minds are wired to mine especially those with kindred spirit and meekness I adore. I choose to be with those that make me happier and better. People who makes me not lose hope in humanity and people that brings out the best in each other. 

Cheers to my friends for all these years who’ve seen me cry, laugh like an idiot, drunk, in rage and plainly crazy. Kudos to those who listened and took time!

I may have lost people along the way but I got those who matters most today. 

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on May 28, 2017 in Thoughts Brewery

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Midsummer Thoughts.

In between my daily routine I usually find myself daydreaming. My mind wanders around to nowhere thinking if I am not who I an today then probably I am a celebrity with a busy schedule, a young female pilot envied by many or a poet whose books are ought to read and cried by the faint-hearted. I guess I have a lot of things going in my mind when I wanted to escape my reality.

Some may wonder what more can I ask for. I mean I seem to be chill and knows how to manage my life, my time and people. Honestly, I am not what most people think I am. My sanity revolves around being insane most of the time. I escaped the pangs of my demons now sealed somewhere in my brain — they are controlled by my rational side, imprisoned by my choices not to succumb into pure despair that would result to pretty much a dumb decision. 

I am still not the happiest person. Last time I check, I’m still sad but not the kind of sad that makes me cry for hours thinking how miserable my life is. Just that kind of sadness when you look at around you and you’re all alone to face each day. 

Months ago, I let go of the unreciprocated love I had for years. It was perhaps my best decision because it opened my eyes to various realities that made me better. It was so intoxicating that forgetting him was so refreshing. All the vines that suffocated me slowly lose their grip and withered because I no longer fed it with my selfish hopes. I know letting go is a strength I never knew I had. I lose my own meaning because I thought I existed because of him. I hoped someday he’ll realized it all — that I am worth it. I got tired, I felt so stupid letting people consume me instead of loving myself alone. I should not have relied to others to complete me, I should be complete without anyone and that is who I am now.

I looked at myself in the mirror knowing that I am better than ever. I scanned what’s left in me, everything seems to be fine except that sinking hole I feel. It was a pit full of fears. I convinced myself I am fine and I know I am but fear reminds me that despite my strength and confidence to take the world, I still fear to live my life alone. I rationalize this with a fact that people are social creatures so they need people to survive. I know I got no problem with socializing but I guess the fear is not having anyone to love as my own. It’s been a while since the last time I my heart was preoccupied. I loved too long with false hopes in between but today I love no one at all. 

Maturity mixed​ with reality made me assume less and let life happen. I no longer feel the butterflies, the hopes and all those magical feelings. I only see busy roads, crowded streets and people living. I only have reality, a reality that I am alone with my aging mom; a work that pays my needs and a life that I don’t actually understand if will make sense someday. Reality bites me and every day I drift to survive looking forward for the next payday or travel plans just to spice up my own boredom.

Life has nothing special going and I envy those who may be poor but is complete knowing they have a family to love and hold. 

As I walked into the crowded mall, I wonder what if people have thought bubbles popping while they walk… I wonder what’s mine.

The loneliness seeping into my veins is not yet intoxicating because probably this is what I really deserve. My end of day thoughts and what I’ll do next day keeps me busy to realize that what I need right now is probably a dose of madness — I once have now lost.

Life they say is full of surprises and today my life is at plateau. Nothing special going just sleep, work, eat and repeat kind of life. I got friends, I got a job and I am healthy. My mother is now better so what more can I ask for right? If this is the life I’ll be having for the next years, I wish to end it anytime soon because boredom sucks. I guess complacency in life still bores me.

I’ll daydream and dream to survive each day. I was reminded after my solo trip that life is still worth living. I know it is — how long will I believe it is is the question? Probably after life will surprise me again.
What’s​ in store life? What’s up?

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on May 1, 2017 in Thoughts Brewery

 

Tags: , , , , , ,

Are We Who We Seem To Be​?

In a lifetime, how many times have we wished that we can be someone else? I cannot recount those moments when I stare blankly dreaming I am someone or somewhere else. If only I can do something about it in a snap I would. It’s not that I’m not satisfied of who I am but it feels nice to let the life you desire flash before your eyes like a montage.

We always try to be someone else in our dreams.

or be somewhere else far from our own reality

Lately I’ve been watching Thirteen Reasons Why, a book by Jay Asher turned into a Netflix TV series. It’s about a girl who committed suicide because of people she considered her friends turned out to be her frustrations. She slit her wrists and bled herself to death in the bathroom leaving box of mixtapes that rehashed her pains that caused by this thirteen people — the reasons why she ended her own life. Those mixtapes are being passed on from one to the other, such a dreadful act to recall how you became such an ass in someone’s life. It’s like being haunted not just by her voice but your memories with her. Hannah, you’re such a tough act to follow. Kudos!

I wonder what if I’m Hannah Baker? What if I try to put myself on her shoes? Well, I don’t know how to die as much as I wanted to die but the thought on how I’ll going to die terrifies me. What she did is another tough act to follow. I am actually halfway through finishing the episodes and even if I read the book I already forgotten some of the characters. I want to Google the other reasons but I think I’ll leave it this way — how I relate myself to the current episode I’m watching. 

I got my own Clay Jensen once in my entire existence, he is my ultimate frustration. I mean he’s my best pal but he just can’t tell me he cares for me or should I say love me. Probably I’m assuming but thanks Clay for the great  memories. I wish I got you on Dollar Valentines. He was always there, saving me from my own disgrace or probably be with me during times when I want to waste my life during late night weekends. He’ll always be my awkward friend.

I had my own Justin Foley who lured me into believing he likes me but left me hanging. Short-lived story I don’t want to remember — ever.

Several Alex Standall whom I considered my friends but stood me up when I needed them the most or I don’t know maybe there are things unexplained and they’re just gone in my life.

There goes my own Courtney who is so nice and pretty as it seems but a total bitch. She does not accept herself as she is and would just want to pretend that she’s so sweet, smart and caring.

Got no stalker like Tyler, famous Jessica and rapist like Bryce but these kind of people surely exist in other people’s life montage.

I am Miss Popular, well popularly known to be the good kid, student leader and miss diligent in her studies. I got to enjoy being a student leader since high school and being president of some organizations gave me that pride and should I say bragging rights. Certificates, medals and awards did not make me love my life more. It was an add on, something worthwhile but not my life purpose. Knowing you represented your school once in a district quiz bee, conference and whatever that makes your school proud to have you makes you walk like a boss but inside I feel empty. I know, I had my fair share of what Marcus life was. I can actually relate to each character revealed in the episodes I’m watching. I too can be a Tony, someone who keeps a lot of secrets and torn between something. 

Well, these kind of people exist not just in Hannah Baker’s life but also ours. Probably they are not named like the ones I mentioned but their personalities surely match. I am exasperated as much as I am interested in human behavior. How frustrating it is seeing people acting as they seem to be but actually not in real life. I then start to wonder what’s going on in their minds. How we unconsciously affect others knowing we always pretend we are okay when we are definitely not or sometimes we project our frustration to others even the ones we love. We wear masks that suit us each day because we have an image to protect.

Commonly, I am misunderstood.

It’s not actually surprising because I am pretty much aware of it. I don’t bother to explain myself so say what you want to say as long as I know myself. I got no terrible shut inside my stash so I’m pretty much fine with people’s opinions​. I can be Hannah’s reason of dying and on the other hand I can be Hannah. I mean everyone of us felt being not enough or being judged but unlike Hannah I’m not giving up on assholes. I’ll end my life because I can’t find any reason for living not because of those people who bullied and belittled me. F*ck you bitches!(Sorry for the language kids.)

As my reality drifts and my subconscious dreams takeover my mind, I came across a simple realization — face your nightmares head on. I mean, my reality sucks but I got to face each of it to test my strength but of course I need to know myself better. It’s what I call power — beautifully drawn from my core.

There are days when I hate talking and explaining myself and there are days when I want to socialize with other humans. I pick whom I want to be with because I rather be alone than be with a group that I don’t like, people whose vibes don’t match mine. I easily blend  in but it’s tiring sometimes so I choose my crowd, wisely. Ambiverts are like that, I guess.

My hate is at the same levels with my hope in humanity. Just like Hannah I want to have friends, friends that would actually understand me and won’t hesitate to tell me my shortcomings. We are social creatures, we hate being alone because being alone with our thoughts can sometimes make one a memory — like Hannah. Suicide is real. It’s not just something one does to seek for attention, they do it because they no longer find meaning in their existence. You got to hold on to anything that will make you feel alive, that will keep you alive. 

My life and who I am is something. I mean we should be proud of who we are right? We’re not bad people or sometimes we are not aware that we are being mean to others. In my case, either I’m aware or I’m not — mostly I am. I can’t change the way I am especially to those people who I know is up for no good in my life. People who are total pretenders and people who talks about others in a bad light. In my case, I hate lying because of course I need to cope up with my lies which is a total stress so I rather hear the truth than sugarcoat stuff. Of course there are white lies, lies you tell to save lives. Ahmmmm…. That didn’t sound right but you get my point.

So the point here is that we are not what we seem to be. We dream to be someone else. We wish to be somewhere else. We want to be with someone but scared the shit out of us to admit it. We are all pretenders. We are all actors and actresses. We all have our own darkest secrets we don’t want to be revealed because we have a reputation. We have images we want to project. We are who we are because we wanted to be who we are, well at least be someone likeable in the eyes of society. Our skeletons are all waiting to be revealed or probably not but then again who has no secrets in this world?

Be strong my friend. We screwed our lives several times. People hurt and rejected us but we can’t dwell on all those reasons why we should end our life. People who suffered from depression are beautiful people, the strongest ones I know. We battle demons who enticed us to end each suffering we feel but choosing to live despite everything is admirable. Death is not an escape but facing our realities, the complexities this life has to offer and all those detours to our dream path lead us to greater heights. A path that actually made all the scars a beautiful reminder that no matter what we survived life. We are warriors. Life warriors who victoriously fought our crazy selves. The self we hide because we are afraid of being judged.The side that nobody might learn to love. The side that we hate.

I watched the sun as it sets while I’m inside a bus on my way home. The crimson skies slowly made me back to my own reality. Welcome back, Sharon! 

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on April 14, 2017 in personal

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Thursday Rants.

In this modern world we are bombarded by what we should be in order to gain society’s respect and appreciation. This has been a disturbing thought hovering my mind while I’m inside a bus with strangers on my way home.

Sucks how it feels to contain my emotions and tame my inner beasts when I want to point out how exasperating living in this kind of world where beauty has its certain standards and if you are not thin, fair and straight haired you are ugly. We live in a society where body shaming is rampant and if it’s the reason why no one loves you then that’s plainly stupid and unfair. I am now furious.

A friend said that I should be realistic and that men right now are attracted with women whose vital statistics is that of a beauty queen and looks like Liza Soberano ( Philippines’ girl next door and every teenage guy’s crush). Nobody should tell me about reality for I know it better than my worst nightmare. Anyways, I still think that kind of mindset is so superficial and this is not me talking about Beauty and the Beast and why I still find Beast hot despite his looks. It’s just people pointing out that I should accept that fact that men wants to have sex and not someone to love. I get the point of living out the hormones but isn’t it unfair for boys to be judged that way and vice versa?

What in the world? Is this what love needs to be? Changing to be someone we’re not because who we are is not what society’s​ standard of sexiness? F**k that! 

Being judged by many that I have high standards also exasperate me. It’s always frustrating for me to start defending myself with that kind of stereotype. Sometimes I am wondering what if I am not who I am now and that maybe I’m less smarter then probably the world will see my worth and love me. I want to break all those notions about me or maybe I am not just enough. Friends say I’m too choosy, wtf? Is it wrong to pray for someone who gets you and how your thoughts are wired? Is it wrong to wish for someone who’ll accept you for who you are and what you are not? Telling me to wait for my prince patiently is plainly bullshit. Timing again is never my strong suit.

It’s not going to happen anymore… I guess.

I gave up hoping us much as I gave up believing life will make sense someday. Instead, I’ll make the most of my today. As the clock ticks and days pass by, I felt like a withered rose waiting for its time to bid goodbye in this world. I never imagined my life to be a spinster but if it’s the fate I’m solely destined to then by all means let it be. I don’t want to spend the whole afternoon reading books with dogs curling on my feet and cats in sofa waiting to be pet. I cannot imagine myself taking care of cacti and spraying orchids in a midsummer morning. I cannot be alone in a home for the aged. I need to die before 50 if that’s the case. Mercy killing would be a better option. Morbid as it sounds but it’s the best thing to do as I cannot imagine my life without my mom. I don’t know how to start my life all over knowing I already lose both parents — a thought I can no longer comprehend and even imagine.

I decided to make the most of my today. Earn as much as I can for me to travel. I am escaping my own reality because it keeps me sane. Dwelling into the facts of my own life can sometimes be suffocating.This kind of reality about people and how they measure beauty upsets me. I have a lot of single friends asking why? Even I wondered why. 

Life’s probably just so unfair and we don’t simply get what we want. We wish for love and it’ll never be meant for us. We wish for success and it’ll take time before we reap the fruits of our hard work. We wish we are this person without appreciating ourselves because society tells us that they are the epitome of beauty and men wants a Gigi Hadid than Adele.

I’m calming my mind as of the moment thinking it’s just probably me having PMS.I should not be bothered by this as I should not even care. Let society be society. Let people think whatever they think. Let them fall in love with models. Let them body shame people. Let them measure beauty by what we see in print ads, magazines and billboards or even social media likes. I’m tired of understanding the world and some people. I would want them to understand me too and why I’m such a difficult person to argue with as of the moment. I don’t need kind words to feel good. Whatever.
Let it be! The hell I care.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on April 6, 2017 in personal

 

Tags: , , , , ,

Different Being.

I stared blankly to empty spaces wondering why. A lot of questions wrapped my happy bubble and I got intoxicated by my own thoughts. I never thought I’ll feel it again, losing faith in life… questioning my existence with nothing to hold on to anymore. I drafted my supposed to be blog post days ago but I cannot just finished it.Words won’t come out and the feeling of hopelessness is slowly killing me.

I was so happy last week. I never felt so free but after my recent vacation reality hit me so hard. I lost my phone’s memory with all my pictures and files gone to tech heaven. I was devastated. I don’t want to rehash how intoxicated I am with the negativities and realities I kept on running away from. Suicide ideation flooded the remaining piece of hope I had — here I am again, thinking of ending everything.

This time I did tell several people, not to stop me from actually doing it but probably have someone I can argue to. People who’ll know how crazy I can be; People who’ll probably think I’m a psychopath for putting up with unnecessary dramas knowing that some people are actually in worst case than I am but no I want them to know that depression is real and I’m trying to escape it but it’s haunting me. 

Last weekend I went out with friends and talked about it. They do understand my situation and would actually empathize.I didn’t feel any different after except of course that weird feeling of ripping yourself off to your friends who consider you as the life of the party. I am, I must say will always be but it’s just not that normal for me – to be seen crying hopelessly. It’s not normal to talk about depression and it’s not normal to share it with people but I did. I’m still not sure if I’ll be glad that I did.
Life still for me is a pointless journey. I still hate everything. I hate being smart. I hate loving people who can’t even see my worth. I hate my work because I need to cope up with people who tests my patience and can’t meet my expectations. I hate the world and all of its dramas. I simply hate it but what can I do about it? 

Perhaps, change my perspective.

When I shared what I’m up to with my closest friends, they now looked at me in ways I never imagined them to be. I can sense that they’re sad because I’m actually thinking of dying when the world has a lot to offer for me.I don’t see any hope at all with regard to my situation and trying to be strong is not an option or a necessity. It’s just a memory.

Maybe you’re wondering why I’m still blabbing if I wanted to die already. Well probably because I don’t know how to end it in a sophisticated way rather than jumping off a building or overdose myself. I just don’t know how to do it even if I wanted it. That is a tough problem I need to surpass. Geez. 

Going back to my life right now, I did something stupid. I booked myself to a tour package alone in Baler next month. My friend in Manila wants me to accompany him in Puerto Galera to unwind but I think it would be better for me to go alone. It gave me a certain thrill and I hold on to that excitement. Today I live because I know tomorrow has no guarantee but as long as I exist I can do something about it. 

Life surely knows how to play its trick. I questioned God again to the point of being blasphemous. I cursed him again for being so unfair to me even if I’m faithful to him. I tried to be a better person but God, he made me suffer and test me. He asked me to wait and wait and now to the point of me giving up. I believed that things will change and people too but it became a huge disappointment. My indecisiveness frustrated me for I still cannot think of a better career. I no longer assumed or believed in everything. I lose faith in the things I do and lastly I lose faith in life and all its aspects.

I sat here watching people live their lives. I watched how people look at their children in awe. I looked at the guard waiting for his shift to end. I looked at the taxi driver waiting for a passenger. I looked at the laughing girl wondering what’s her story behind and how I used to look at myself — positive, idealistic and full of hope.

Maybe I should be a little less hopeful this time. I should stop over analyzing things and let life happen as it bound to be. I sat here with a little faith that my fate will change.I’ll probably expect the worst in life.I’ll expect that I’ll be alone and that nobody will be strong enough to tell me how I’m meant in his life. I’ll expect that nothing great will happen in my work life despite the effort I exert to it. What do I get right now? Frustrations. It is so difficult to live in this world with an expectation that it’s easy if people see things the way I see it. Pretty much a boring world if that’s the case — no challenge and purely happiness.

I recalled how my friend looked at me, a look of pity and how I hate that feeling. All of my life I’m programmed to be the alpha. I have an image to maintain but I ripped off my mask to people I trust aside from my best friend. They saw how vulnerable I can be yet accepted me. I feel a bit better but still bothered. They assured me that they’ll be there for me but I know that this battle is better off alone. I know I’m not strong but I know that this might be just a phase.

I would want to look at today in the nearby future with proud thoughts and realizations that my recent past needs to happen because it will make me better and that it’s just a prelude to a life I’ve been waiting. Whatever.blah.blah.blah. I should stop being too hopeful. 

I don’t want to hope anymore but I can’t help it sometimes. Life’s a joke and the joke is currently on me.

Today, I rest my case.

Oh and lastly… in your eyes I found a tinge of hope; what we have is something that I can hold on to.

I just want something like this.
Good vibes. 🙂

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on February 27, 2017 in personal

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Resonated Thoughts. 

I looked at myself in the mirror and how I’ve grown mature over the years. I remembered how much of a battle it is to face adulthood with myself as the best go to person I have. I’ve gone through series of successes and failures who made me wiser and should I say not tough towards myself. 

As I look closely, I wondered how I am still alone. I can see the loneliness of my soul haunting me like a demon, lurking quietly and is about to consume my sunshine anytime. He is there, waiting for the right moment. I suddenly fear all the happy times I have lately for I know it comes with a price. It seems that everything has been too superficial and that happiness is just a fleeting moment; nothing indeed lasts. 

I touched the mirror, no creases emerged from my face though there’s a tingling sensation in my hands. I feel like I’m being burned by my thoughts. The memories became so clear and I realized how f*ck up I am. My life, all of these are just a thing in the moment but deep inside I crave for more…  I long for happiness that will last. I long for conversations that last for hours. I long for someone who’ll be there for me this time. I’ve been saving broken souls only to find out that in the process of fixing and changing other people I’ve lost myself. I thought it’s love, I thought I’m the heroin… I am not. I suddenly became the villain of my own life.  I screwed myself for praying and hoping that he’s the one but I ended up breaking my own soul to hating myself for not being strong enough to fight the complications. I thought I’m strong but I’m not. 

I let go of the mirror. I bowed my head and looked again. I saw a beautiful face. I saw myself accepting her flaws and how her frailty actually strengthened the every fiber of her being. It’s a work in progress.  She flipped her hair confidently knowing she is better now.  I am better now despite the loneliness, despite the cravings, despite the fear of not achieving my dreams and despite the challenges. One day at a time I remind myself. 

One beautiful day at a time. 

My thoughts resonating as alcohol fully subsided. I don’t know why I wanted to write about this but I hope somehow, someone will be inspired to not give up on life and just seize the moment. We are incomplete. We are lost. We are lonely but we need to live. We got to… 

We have to.;)

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on January 30, 2017 in personal

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,