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11:11

Warning: Rants, just rants. 

Making myself better by this words. 

It’s 11:11pm when I opened WordPress and I’m still thinking of a better title for this blog post. Better stick to what came up my mind during that particular moment. Also, to heighten my 11:11 phenomena I made a wish. 

It’s another weekend and my mind just wants to unwind. I think I overslept thus the laziness that I feel. 

I am currently sulking in my room nursing the pain I feel.  It’s like holding my shattered heart and trying to puzzle all those shards out and when it’s almost perfect you’ll just throw it on the wall and listen to the sound of those broken pieces.  Terrible, I know. 

Never have I thought I’ll be able to escape my own insecurities. I know my strengths but my weaknesses even better. I do not even know why I am allowing my mind to cripple me. My thoughts can be so intoxicating, it always remind me to stop hoping for someone who can actually see how worthy I can be.  NO ONE. 

I guess all those failed almost relationships stained everything. Until now I see myself as ugly,  fat, unlovable and pathetic but I’ve accepted those flaws already. I learned to love my unlovable side. No one will be able to love me so I’ve decided to love myself. I choose to be better and cold. 

Every 11:11 I wish to find someone who’ll just accept me for who I am and be man enough to tell me he loves me. I wish to find love for I wasted my life hoping it’ll all be better in the end. I am left with false hopes, bottles of beers, stupid poetry, depression, stress eating and broken heart. At this age, I’m becoming more hopeless than I used to be.  

Those butterflies are killed. 

I’m trying to sort my life but I think I’m still making stupid decisions. I’m tired of crying because all these years I haven’t achieved much of what I’ve planned out. I’m pretty much a loser pretending I got it all figured out. Modern dating sucks. Relationships sucks and meant for other people except me. It’s like I’ve been cursed. 

Boys trying to enter my life and won’t even stay so why enter in the first place? Door’s open LEAVE. 

Friends who’ll try to tell you all those good words but your life didn’t change anyway. 

Life trying to surprise you and hurts you anyways.

Family who said they’ll support you and start ghosting anyway. 

I pretty much always end up with myself. I know I can make it through this drama probably just  sleep my feelings and dream about beaches and sunsets then wake up regretting this blog post. 

11:11 — I wish I didn’t exist because to live without feeling a sense of purpose is meaningless and I don’t want to grow old alone so please God, do your thing. 

Good job Cupid for granting other people’s desires while you keep on missing mine since my birth. Screw you for always messing up! 

** Bon Nuit**

 
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Posted by on July 16, 2017 in personal

 

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Ain’t Skinny Love.

I looked at old blog posts trying to feel those words I used to write, but it didn’t trigger any response from my soul.  It is far most the strangest feeling I have felt for years – the dire need to write but no words can totally express what I really feel.  

It’s been a while since I sat quietly watching people live their lives. Few weeks ago I feel a little lonelier than the usual that eating alone makes me sad but today is a little bit different. I feel fine despite the gloomy weather and Ellie Goulding’s Your Song is consuming me inside. I guess I’m back to my old self except that I’m also pretty much bothered and amused of recent events in my life.  

The concept of skinny love has been in my system since that drunken moment of yesteryears and how I dread if it will happen again. It’s that kind of love that both parties care but just can’t find the courage to tell how much they love each other. It’s governed by fear of losing a beautiful friendship so you’ll stick to that read between the lines, think whatever you wanted to think kind of relationship. Sucks,  I  know.

I’m not good in detecting possible relationships unless of course they’ll tell me their intentions. Gone are those days when rainbows, unicorns and pixiedusts inspire me. I stopped assuming. I stopped believing. I stopped hoping that a prince will save me from my loneliness and show me that life’s too beautiful if shared with the one you love. I became too much of a realist and dealing with that side of myself is torture. I became Maleficent like, still cares for Aurora but won’t show signs of any vulnerability. Tears are for the weak. It destroyed all the tinge of positivity in my soul. It made me stone cold.  I was so dysfunctional with a strong belief that I’m not worth it all. I felt unloved and so undeserving of a pure heart. My mind is such a fucked up place so as my soul. 

I have this guy friend who recently told me that I’m being too hard towards myself. Sometimes ideas overflow when alcohol is dominating our system and that drunken conversation despite the blurry feels actually got stuck in my mind. Maybe I am not that bad.  Maybe I deserve to fall in love again and pretty much puzzled those broken pieces of my China heart.  Maybe… just maybe. Maybe this time I can straighten things out and start all over again. Maybe I started to care and that scares me for it can be a beginning of something else. Am I feeling something?  Yes.  There might be butterflies but it didn’t run amuck inside. It’s not even love. It’s something new and I can’t even define it. It’s there but it’s not where my life revolves. It’s there, it exists and I acknowledged it but what’s that feeling  then?

I don’t feel like dying today unlike those days when I wish loneliness was never a feeling people feel. It’s like a regular kind of day when I wish to fast forward it to my soon to be best days. I made stupid decisions — what else is new?  I wanted to save more money to fulfill my wants and probably it can buy me experience that will make me sort out my life. Bottom line, I’m still fucked up as of this writing despite the will to change my life course. 

I started to over think my reactions and tried to over think more of what’s going on. I started to panic when a friend told me that I’m so dense not to see that my closest friend right now is into me. I don’t believe it at first until I started to rehash everything from day one.  It’s not that easy as it seems especially if we’re talking about feelings.  It’s complicated because he’s in a relationship. I hate it when people suggest and you tend to think about it until confusion starts.  I  got confused I must admit but I went back to the time when I used to feel the magic. The stone cold heart I have started to warm up but all of the things I’m feeling is all new.  It’s not what I’ve felt before so it’s harder to define and it’s something I cannot explain. 

People come into our lives for a reason, some may go fast and some choose to imprint our souls. Maybe the recent things happened for me to feel a little bit more of a human being. I feel better, wiser and stronger. I may have been confused and partly swayed by the thoughts but I know for sure that I don’t deserve to be just anyone’s third party and that I too deserve to be happy in God’s perfect time.  All I need is to be honest on everything that I feel and instead of escaping, it would be better to face it no matter how painful the results can be. Life is all about perfect timing and I might need to ask for more patience to wait and just enjoy what I have as of the moment. 

And to that friend of mine who I love to tease, thanks for being one of the person whom I know will always have my back no matter what.  I’ll stick to what I said, I won’t be another skinny lover who’s afraid to tell the world of what she feels.  If that time comes you’ll be the first to know.  For now, I’m happy of our friendship and thanks for doing an extra mile of saving it when I’ve decided to not bother at all. 

Life comes with extra feels and sometimes you just let life be life and not expect too much because what’s meant to happen will happen whether we like it or not. 

Learn, always.  

Never stick to a skinny kind of love when you can put your heart on your sleeve and love fully. 

We all deserve love, in time. 

 
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Posted by on July 5, 2017 in personal

 

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Rants and Bottled Feelings.

My life seems to be so rudimentary that I usually know how to end and start it. It’s always a series of fortunate and unfortunate events and tests of faith that started way back when my innocence in life got stained by realities. I live a so-so life with pretty much nothing exciting to talk about except of course my rants about life, my work, love gone to heaven so as the fragments of my hope in humanity. Media made me hate those extremists whose causes I don’t actually get. Taxes that suck my hope in our government. Multiple work mails I need to reply. My chaotic mind with a lot of dreams yet still I’m stuck in my own comfort zone who pretty much sucks up my remaining hope in myself. Of course, I get paid but yeah — I still live beyond limits without using my full potential. 

It’s another day of rants so please forgive me.

My mind is such a terrible place to be in. Everyday I get to experience various weather like feels. Sometimes it’s sunny where I tend to have positive thoughts or days when my lurkers start to suck up all the positive ions and left me with undesirable thoughts that can be intoxicating sometimes. Today, I just feel like eating my favorite pie somewhere and talk about nonsense.

As I grow older, people come and people just go. Sometimes we all wish old friends will make time when you’re in dire need of someone but geez I’m not the Hannah Baker type who lashes out in mixtapes how my friends disappointed me big time. It’s just how it is. You just got to live life and be appreciative of people who remembers you and understand those who can’t make time. 


As I tried to be normal at home, I suddenly miss how rowdy it used to be. I missed watching news with my uncle and talk about it during dinner. Pepper is usually hyperactive so we both need to tone her down. Our cat who would just sit in our laps and my mom asking what the news is all about is the typical 6pm scene. Those sepia images of our life before daunted me while I’m drinking beer on a work day and instead of feeling sentimental, I felt surreal. 

I wonder what this home will be like couple of years from now. Will I be alone watching TV with popcorn, chips and beer because I rather be drunk than feel the misery? Will I be with my mom still and live like today? Will I be somewhere else wondering what have happened to our used to be home? The thoughts are too much to bear. I can’t live alone but I can’t leave… Either way it both sucks but I might need to plan everything out before it’s too late.

Work will still be something I need to do to live my wants. I am tired living the employee life and studying much on how to be a better entrepreneur. I need my mind to work and I need growth. I need a life away from the four corners of this corporate world.

I feel so dysfunctional. It’s not the usual routine 12 months ago but what I’m doing each day starts to feel so familiar. I don’t know how my heart functions today especially to the things it used to do or even feel. I started not to care about the world, not to hope, not to assume and not to feel. I’ve totally succumbed into the DGAF mindset. Everything seems to be driven by logic and reasons which pretty much bores me. I’m losing the substance of my own thoughts when I try to write about what I deeply feel — the unwritten chapters now bothering and it’s hard to express what my soul resonates. My mind dies as my heart passionately writes nothing. It’s the killer silence, the panacea of my being.

Until that day comes… 

End. 

 
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Posted by on June 7, 2017 in personal

 

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On Friendships That Stayed and Lost.

On Friendships That Stayed and Lost.

Humans as we are are born to be social creatures. True to that cliche saying, no man is indeed an island.

Back in highschool, I think having lots of circles will make me cool and famous. I got my own set of friends that dig in my interests and I got other circles I join sometimes to talk about computers and WWE. I can say that I’m friendly even if I had one or two classmates I haven’t talked to until almost graduation. 

In college, I’m such a social creature as I’ve joined several organizations. I can’t say I’m famous but I got a lot of networks from other clubs making it more easier to meet others. Smiling, nodding and saying hi has been a daily thing.

Today, I realized that in order to be better I don’t actually need millions of people that would say hi to me and would invite me out for a party or dinner or whatever they want to do. As I grow older, I think of friendships as a loaded ship where those that don’t matter will just weigh you down and will just capsized everything.

I choose my friends wisely. I choose people who can enter my life as precise as possible. Yes, I do have trust issues. I let those people in because they deserve to know my quirky demons, both tamed and untamed. God gave me this weird instincts that know how to distinguish a good company or not so I’m making use of it all the time. I am not sorry to those that I don’t want to be in my life because I can sense that you won’t understand at all instead you’ll feed into my miseries and will just kill me with your words when I’m not around. I don’t like to be with people who make fun of others to feel better about themselves. I don’t like to be with people who think they are better than others just because they are smart and famous. I don’t want to be with people who befriends you because they have intentions. I don’t like to be with people who’s ain’t my frequency and vibe. 

I stick with people who makes me glad that I’m alive. I like to spend my time with colleagues, subordinates and friends whose minds are wired to mine especially those with kindred spirit and meekness I adore. I choose to be with those that make me happier and better. People who makes me not lose hope in humanity and people that brings out the best in each other. 

Cheers to my friends for all these years who’ve seen me cry, laugh like an idiot, drunk, in rage and plainly crazy. Kudos to those who listened and took time!

I may have lost people along the way but I got those who matters most today. 

 
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Posted by on May 28, 2017 in Thoughts Brewery

 

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Midsummer Thoughts.

In between my daily routine I usually find myself daydreaming. My mind wanders around to nowhere thinking if I am not who I an today then probably I am a celebrity with a busy schedule, a young female pilot envied by many or a poet whose books are ought to read and cried by the faint-hearted. I guess I have a lot of things going in my mind when I wanted to escape my reality.

Some may wonder what more can I ask for. I mean I seem to be chill and knows how to manage my life, my time and people. Honestly, I am not what most people think I am. My sanity revolves around being insane most of the time. I escaped the pangs of my demons now sealed somewhere in my brain — they are controlled by my rational side, imprisoned by my choices not to succumb into pure despair that would result to pretty much a dumb decision. 

I am still not the happiest person. Last time I check, I’m still sad but not the kind of sad that makes me cry for hours thinking how miserable my life is. Just that kind of sadness when you look at around you and you’re all alone to face each day. 

Months ago, I let go of the unreciprocated love I had for years. It was perhaps my best decision because it opened my eyes to various realities that made me better. It was so intoxicating that forgetting him was so refreshing. All the vines that suffocated me slowly lose their grip and withered because I no longer fed it with my selfish hopes. I know letting go is a strength I never knew I had. I lose my own meaning because I thought I existed because of him. I hoped someday he’ll realized it all — that I am worth it. I got tired, I felt so stupid letting people consume me instead of loving myself alone. I should not have relied to others to complete me, I should be complete without anyone and that is who I am now.

I looked at myself in the mirror knowing that I am better than ever. I scanned what’s left in me, everything seems to be fine except that sinking hole I feel. It was a pit full of fears. I convinced myself I am fine and I know I am but fear reminds me that despite my strength and confidence to take the world, I still fear to live my life alone. I rationalize this with a fact that people are social creatures so they need people to survive. I know I got no problem with socializing but I guess the fear is not having anyone to love as my own. It’s been a while since the last time I my heart was preoccupied. I loved too long with false hopes in between but today I love no one at all. 

Maturity mixed​ with reality made me assume less and let life happen. I no longer feel the butterflies, the hopes and all those magical feelings. I only see busy roads, crowded streets and people living. I only have reality, a reality that I am alone with my aging mom; a work that pays my needs and a life that I don’t actually understand if will make sense someday. Reality bites me and every day I drift to survive looking forward for the next payday or travel plans just to spice up my own boredom.

Life has nothing special going and I envy those who may be poor but is complete knowing they have a family to love and hold. 

As I walked into the crowded mall, I wonder what if people have thought bubbles popping while they walk… I wonder what’s mine.

The loneliness seeping into my veins is not yet intoxicating because probably this is what I really deserve. My end of day thoughts and what I’ll do next day keeps me busy to realize that what I need right now is probably a dose of madness — I once have now lost.

Life they say is full of surprises and today my life is at plateau. Nothing special going just sleep, work, eat and repeat kind of life. I got friends, I got a job and I am healthy. My mother is now better so what more can I ask for right? If this is the life I’ll be having for the next years, I wish to end it anytime soon because boredom sucks. I guess complacency in life still bores me.

I’ll daydream and dream to survive each day. I was reminded after my solo trip that life is still worth living. I know it is — how long will I believe it is is the question? Probably after life will surprise me again.
What’s​ in store life? What’s up?

 
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Posted by on May 1, 2017 in Thoughts Brewery

 

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Are We Who We Seem To Be​?

In a lifetime, how many times have we wished that we can be someone else? I cannot recount those moments when I stare blankly dreaming I am someone or somewhere else. If only I can do something about it in a snap I would. It’s not that I’m not satisfied of who I am but it feels nice to let the life you desire flash before your eyes like a montage.

We always try to be someone else in our dreams.

or be somewhere else far from our own reality

Lately I’ve been watching Thirteen Reasons Why, a book by Jay Asher turned into a Netflix TV series. It’s about a girl who committed suicide because of people she considered her friends turned out to be her frustrations. She slit her wrists and bled herself to death in the bathroom leaving box of mixtapes that rehashed her pains that caused by this thirteen people — the reasons why she ended her own life. Those mixtapes are being passed on from one to the other, such a dreadful act to recall how you became such an ass in someone’s life. It’s like being haunted not just by her voice but your memories with her. Hannah, you’re such a tough act to follow. Kudos!

I wonder what if I’m Hannah Baker? What if I try to put myself on her shoes? Well, I don’t know how to die as much as I wanted to die but the thought on how I’ll going to die terrifies me. What she did is another tough act to follow. I am actually halfway through finishing the episodes and even if I read the book I already forgotten some of the characters. I want to Google the other reasons but I think I’ll leave it this way — how I relate myself to the current episode I’m watching. 

I got my own Clay Jensen once in my entire existence, he is my ultimate frustration. Probably I’m assuming but thanks Clay for the great  memories. I wish I got you on Dollar Valentines. He was always there, saving me from my own disgrace or probably be with me during times when I want to waste my life during late night weekends. He’ll always be my awkward friend.

I had my own Justin Foley who lured me into believing he likes me but left me hanging. Short-lived story I don’t want to remember — ever.

Several Alex Standall whom I considered my friends but stood me up when I needed them the most or I don’t know maybe there are things unexplained and they’re just gone in my life.

There goes my own Courtney who is so nice and pretty as it seems but a total bitch. She does not accept herself as she is and would just want to pretend that she’s so sweet, smart and caring.

Got no stalker like Tyler, famous friend like Jessica and rapist like Bryce but these kind of people surely exist in other people’s life montage.

Well I am popularly known to be the good kid, student leader and miss diligent in her studies. I got to enjoy being a student leader since high school and being president of some organizations gave me that pride and should I say bragging rights. Certificates, medals and awards did not make me love my life more. It was an add on, something worthwhile but not my life purpose. Knowing you represented your school once in a district quiz bee, conference and whatever that makes your school proud to have you makes you walk like a boss but inside I feel empty. I know, I had my fair share of what Marcus life was. I can actually relate to each character revealed in the episodes I’m watching. I too can be a Tony, someone who keeps a lot of secrets and torn between something. 

Well, these kind of people exist not just in Hannah Baker’s life but also ours. Probably they are not named like the ones I mentioned but their personalities surely match. I am exasperated as much as I am interested in human behavior. How frustrating it is seeing people acting as they seem to be but actually not in real life. I then start to wonder what’s going on in their minds. How we unconsciously affect others knowing we always pretend we are okay when we are definitely not or sometimes we project our frustration to others even the ones we love. We wear masks that suit us each day because we have an image to protect.

Commonly, I am misunderstood.

It’s not actually surprising because I am pretty much aware of it. I don’t bother to explain myself, so say what you want to say as long as I know the truth I’m pretty much fine. I can be Hannah’s reason of dying and on the other hand I can be Hannah. I mean everyone of us felt being not enough or being judged but unlike Hannah I’m not giving up on assholes. I’ll end my life because I can’t find any reason for living not because of those people who bullied and belittled me. F*ck you bitches!(Sorry for the language kids.)

As my reality drifts and my subconscious dreams takeover my mind, I came across a simple realization — face your nightmares head on. I mean, my reality sucks but I got to face each of it to test my strength but of course I need to know myself better. It’s what I call power — beautifully drawn from my core.

There are days when I hate talking and explaining myself and there are days when I want to socialize with other humans. I pick whom I want to be with because I rather be alone than be with a group that I don’t like, people whose vibes don’t match mine. I easily blend  in but it’s tiring sometimes so I choose my crowd, wisely. Ambiverts are like that, I guess.

My hate is at the same levels with my hope in humanity. Just like Hannah I want to have friends, friends that would actually understand me and won’t hesitate to tell me my shortcomings. We are social creatures, we hate being alone because being alone with our thoughts can sometimes make one a memory — like Hannah. Suicide is real. It’s not just something one does to seek for attention, they do it because they no longer find meaning in their existence. You got to hold on to anything that will make you feel alive, that will keep you alive. 

My life and who I am is something. I mean we should be proud of who we are right? We’re not bad people or sometimes we are not aware that we are being mean to others. In my case, either I’m aware or I’m not — mostly I am. I can’t change the way I am especially to those people who I know is up for no good in my life. People who are total pretenders and people who talks about others in a bad light. In my case, I hate lying because of course I need to cope up with my lies which is a total stress so I rather hear the truth than sugarcoat stuff. Of course there are white lies, lies you tell to save lives. Ahmmmm…. That didn’t sound right but you get my point.

So the point here is that we are not what we seem to be. We dream to be someone else. We wish to be somewhere else. We want to be with someone but scared the shit out of us to admit it. We are all pretenders. We are all actors and actresses. We all have our own darkest secrets we don’t want to be revealed because we have a reputation. We have images we want to project. We are who we are because we wanted to be who we are, well at least be someone likeable in the eyes of society. Our skeletons are all waiting to be revealed or probably not but then again who has no secrets in this world?

Be strong my friend. We screwed our lives several times. People hurt and rejected us but we can’t dwell on all those reasons why we should end our life. People who suffered from depression are beautiful people, the strongest ones I know. We battle demons who enticed us to end each suffering we feel but choosing to live despite everything is admirable. Death is not an escape but facing our realities, the complexities this life has to offer and all those detours to our dream path lead us to greater heights. A path that actually made all the scars a beautiful reminder that no matter what we survived life. We are warriors. Life warriors who victoriously fought our crazy selves. The self we hide because we are afraid of being judged.The side that nobody might learn to love. The side that we hate.

I watched the sun as it sets while I’m inside a bus on my way home. The crimson skies slowly made me back to my own reality. Welcome back, Sharon! 

 
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Posted by on April 14, 2017 in personal

 

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Thursday Rants.

In this modern world we are bombarded by what we should be in order to gain society’s respect and appreciation. This has been a disturbing thought hovering my mind while I’m inside a bus with strangers on my way home.

Sucks how it feels to contain my emotions and tame my inner beasts when I want to point out how exasperating living in this kind of world where beauty has its certain standards and if you are not thin, fair and straight haired you are ugly. We live in a society where body shaming is rampant and if it’s the reason why no one loves you then that’s plainly stupid and unfair. I am now furious.

A friend said that I should be realistic and that men right now are attracted with women whose vital statistics is that of a beauty queen and looks like Liza Soberano ( Philippines’ girl next door and every teenage guy’s crush). Nobody should tell me about reality for I know it better than my worst nightmare. Anyways, I still think that kind of mindset is so superficial and this is not me talking about Beauty and the Beast and why I still find Beast hot despite his looks. It’s just people pointing out that I should accept that fact that men wants to have sex and not someone to love. I get the point of living out the hormones but isn’t it unfair for boys to be judged that way and vice versa?

What in the world? Is this what love needs to be? Changing to be someone we’re not because who we are is not what society’s​ standard of sexiness? F**k that! 

Being judged by many that I have high standards also exasperate me. It’s always frustrating for me to start defending myself with that kind of stereotype. Sometimes I am wondering what if I am not who I am now and that maybe I’m less smarter then probably the world will see my worth and love me. I want to break all those notions about me or maybe I am not just enough. Friends say I’m too choosy, wtf? Is it wrong to pray for someone who gets you and how your thoughts are wired? Is it wrong to wish for someone who’ll accept you for who you are and what you are not? Telling me to wait for my prince patiently is plainly bullshit. Timing again is never my strong suit.

It’s not going to happen anymore… I guess.

I gave up hoping us much as I gave up believing life will make sense someday. Instead, I’ll make the most of my today. As the clock ticks and days pass by, I felt like a withered rose waiting for its time to bid goodbye in this world. I never imagined my life to be a spinster but if it’s the fate I’m solely destined to then by all means let it be. I don’t want to spend the whole afternoon reading books with dogs curling on my feet and cats in sofa waiting to be pet. I cannot imagine myself taking care of cacti and spraying orchids in a midsummer morning. I cannot be alone in a home for the aged. I need to die before 50 if that’s the case. Mercy killing would be a better option. Morbid as it sounds but it’s the best thing to do as I cannot imagine my life without my mom. I don’t know how to start my life all over knowing I already lose both parents — a thought I can no longer comprehend and even imagine.

I decided to make the most of my today. Earn as much as I can for me to travel. I am escaping my own reality because it keeps me sane. Dwelling into the facts of my own life can sometimes be suffocating.This kind of reality about people and how they measure beauty upsets me. I have a lot of single friends asking why? Even I wondered why. 

Life’s probably just so unfair and we don’t simply get what we want. We wish for love and it’ll never be meant for us. We wish for success and it’ll take time before we reap the fruits of our hard work. We wish we are this person without appreciating ourselves because society tells us that they are the epitome of beauty and men wants a Gigi Hadid than Adele.

I’m calming my mind as of the moment thinking it’s just probably me having PMS.I should not be bothered by this as I should not even care. Let society be society. Let people think whatever they think. Let them fall in love with models. Let them body shame people. Let them measure beauty by what we see in print ads, magazines and billboards or even social media likes. I’m tired of understanding the world and some people. I would want them to understand me too and why I’m such a difficult person to argue with as of the moment. I don’t need kind words to feel good. Whatever.
Let it be! The hell I care.

 
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Posted by on April 6, 2017 in personal

 

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