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Empty Soul. 

Today, I feel lethargic.

It’s the usual feeling I have almost every day so I know I shouldn’t make a big deal out of it but despite being sluggish, I am also in the mood to write. 

I want to write what I feel and hopefully I’ll get over it. As I looked at the second hand in my watch and as it bids one second after another, I know I’m losing time. Some people seems to live while I keep on dying every day. I am becoming tired of living and my hope is slowly fading. There’s this boy who reminds me of another pain bound to happen and the past is just another good thing I survived kind of thing. I should be appreciative the least of it instead I formed clouds of hate. 

Always a good time with someone and it can be addicting. It’s rare to find someone who totally get you, all your weirdness and craziness yet accepted you. It’s rare to find someone whom you can share minutes of silence without feeling that awkwardness. It’s like finding your soul mate but you’re just not meant to be together. I have this alpha personality where I think I’m way better than his girl but I know he’ll never choose me. If he wanted to, then he should’ve choosen me before. I get that. I believed in that fact.

Aside from the fact that nobody wanted to be with me, I have been trying my best to find my own happiness. Every day I can find something to smile about but the emptiness haunts me. Sharing my time, being with him, with friends and working gave me happiness, a temporary happiness that made me survived each day. Deep inside I long for that day when today makes sense and I hope I’ll make it. I hope that the next wave of depression would be easy but everytime it hits me, I am getting weaker and weaker. My hope slowly dying together with my soul. I no longer see the value of existing when nobody wants me to call their own. 

I lift my burdens to God and I know he sees my pain. I hate being just an option when I deserve to be the choice. I hate living this kind of life when all these years I invested in good karma. I hate being stuck in the dark and the light he gives me each day would just bring me pain. If I let myself fall into the abyss I know I’ll be dead. If he loves me, he will choose me. I know he is just there to act like a saviour because who wouldn’t feel better to save a broken soul? To love and not be love is life’s greatest tragedy and I don’t know how to start over if I’ll let myself fall into the trap. My resistance in niceness and consistency have leveled up already. I know I can still walk away from him and leave even if I’ll be shattered. I’ll be hurt, be in pain perhaps but the pain won’t destroy me… not yet. 

I envy the girl who has his heart. I don’t know my role in his life and I don’t want to know at all. I already programmed my mind that I’m just a friend he enjoyed talking to and I should stop myself from falling. For once I need to be better. I cannot be gullible and end up being hurt. I don’t deserve to be just a third party. I deserve to be the girl who owns someone’s heart. Take me as I am with all my good and bad side. Don’t look at me like I’m better than you or that you’re better than me. Love should not be complicated.

 

I wish to find someone exactly like you who’ll choose me for the rest of my life. I hope God grants my wishes soon because I have no idea how long I can actually hold on. Life’s loses its meaning as time ticks away each day. 

Inspire me or just kill me. 

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Posted by on October 6, 2017 in personal

 

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Random Thoughts Brewing

Montage. 

My mind right now is a crazy montage. All of my yesteryears keep flashing and my failures highlighted. I came into a different avenue of thoughts that made me feel so lost about what I really wanted to do with my life. I know I ain’t getting younger each day and if this is just another pre-birthday blues, I totally fear the upcoming days. 

Life’s a series of mishaps and luck we didn’t imagine. It’s how you react to certain circumstances that define your being. Sometimes because of pride, I tend to be stubborn. I don’t listen much and decide on my own. I usually trust my own judgement and gut feel. I also consider myself an asshole sometimes to people I don’t like. I am such a difficult person to deal with. 

There are days when I question my decisions if it’s indeed for the greater good. When it back fires, I need to be accountable to it. I don’t apologize if it’s not my fault but I normally take the hit. I don’t know how I feel today except that my heart is broken and my soul is tormented. Always been. Always will. 

I wonder how long will I hold on to life if life is no longer taking chances to make me appreciate each day. Not everything and everyone I value I can even call my own. I am living in a borrowed moment, a borrowed life which can be taken anytime. My regret is not to fully live and exhaust my potentials. It’s all about choices they say and I am in chaos today afraid of making a wrong move.

They say failures aren’t failures but lessons learned that will make sense someday. Life teaches us the hard way most of the time and it’s up to you on how to creatively cope. My heart has been my weakness and will always be. It has been a struggle for me to be heartless despite numerous attempts putting myself in a very vulnerable state. I built walls yet I let people in to  destroy the bricks. I don’t know why I am such a sucker for time and attention. I don’t know what to do with my self in times of chaos instead to roll into the corner, weep until the pain subsides. 

I have been depressed and I hate dragging people into my miseries and hearing their empathy statements make me wanna puke. It’s an illness I want to escape, I fake my own happiness and hide behind smiles and wit. I wanted to be strong despite this crippling feeling of emptiness. I feel inadequate. I feel that nothing makes sense and that nobody will actually love someone like me. I easily get attached to people who takes time in knowing me but it’s also a cycle, no one is strong enough to take me in one’s world. I am alone in my journey and nothing is sadder knowing you are not enough or more than enough to be loved. 

It sounds stupid most of the time to some knowing my problem is about love and life. They say all those compliments that kills me slowly. They say to wait for time may not be my best friend. They all say things that make me feel bad because if it’s true then it should have happen long ago just like how others find love and happiness. They found meaning in such a dreaded life while I survive each day hoping it’ll be my last if all these feels persist. 

I pray so hard that this will be over. Wave after wave of sadness is actually  haunting me and the pain I feel keeps on refreshing each time a moment happens. I feel bad on feeling this way because I should be happy and blessed but I’m not. I don’t feel such bliss. I just feel so tired to deal with life all the time. I hope I get to overcome this feeling.

Good night. 

 
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Posted by on September 28, 2017 in personal

 

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Outgrowing Yourself, Redefining Life

All of us probably wanted to live a little longer and enjoy this beautiful world but have you ever thought that it’s not actually how long you live but how you make most out of the life you have?

I always wonder what life has to offer me and I know for myself that money ain’t always my sole purpose of existing. It is not the material things that can actually complete me but I know for a fact that it is something inanimate. I seek for a deeper purpose most of the time and I see things differently compared to how others thread their daily lives. We are not born to just exist, we are born to LIVE. 

Today, I wanted to step back and reevaluate my life again after what I have been through this year; all the people I met and realizations that struck me during times that I didn’t actually expect it. I must say, it has been a year full of lessons that made me outgrow who I used to be and be someone I didn’t actually expect. My understanding of my own life became clearer and never have I been prouder to know that I didn’t cut my existence short just because I lose my faith. 

There are times in our lives that we totally do not understand why certain mishaps happen and times that test not just our faith but our totality as a human being. Heartbreaks and frustrations that shattered us to bits and made us experience rock bottom. The demons inside our head that crippled us and made us feel that no matter how we wanted to be better we are deemed to fail. We tried to stand up every time we fall, wiped those tears and even fought back several times than we imagined. Most of the time we continue to move forward, some escape their realities and get haunted later on while few quit life too soon. We have a lot of ways to cope up with what life has to offer but I guess the best way is deciding to outgrow ourselves and be in tune with our own being. 

I remembered Wil Dasovich’s video (click me ——-> Wil Dasovich  ) telling the world of his illness and how he still manages to be positive despite such bad news. I too thought about my own life and how well I lived it. What struck me the most are these questions “How satisfied are you with the way you flipped your life? Have you maximized your experience?” 

My answer? I am halfway there, perhaps.

A good friend once asked me if given a chance would I want to see the future for me to continue moving on with sheer positivity because you already had a glimpse of what is in store for you in the future? Without any doubt I said NO. Tempting as it may be, provided that life will give me a genie that grants wishes such as such I still do not want to see my future. The journey is not as beautiful as it supposed to be if that is the case. I know how I have been ranting too much or even questioning my own existence from my previous blog posts but in my heart I know that there’s a bigger reason behind everything. Every battle is meaningful even if it took me almost a decade or whatever number of years, months, weeks and days to understand. Life has its own way to uncover its meaning and sometimes we realized it late or even unexpectedly. We tend to be too impatient, we demanded too much for answers and even wanted to defy time. We know that no matter how we try to change our own path, our destiny will unravel in its own season and it is for us to fully understand why certain things need to happen for us to appreciate our life a little more.

I wanted to max out my life before life screams time’s up bitch! I wanted others to be better too and not dwell on the negativities. We need to accentuate the positive most of the time because staying sad and depressed will just not make us better. For the nth time, never have I ever wanted to outgrow myself as much as I have wanted it now.

Here are some instances that hinder us to be our better version:

  • We stick to what is convenient and practical even if it kills us inside. 
  • We focus more on our insecurities rather than our strengths.
  • We justify our vices because we say life is too short and ended up being unhealthy and sick later on. 
  • We are so into our social media accounts and it make us feel envious of other people’s lives. Classic feels. 
  • We live the dreams our parents wanted for us and lose our own identity in the process. 
  • We cannot be ourselves because we fear that society might judge us, we usually tend to conform. 
  • We try to stay in a crappy relationship because of the number of years you’ve been together without even realizing that instead of growing together you are already growing apart. 
  • We force ourselves to be someone in order to prove those who’ve hurt us that we are actually better only to end up being too frustrated because we are doing it to boost our pride but will still make us feel empty in the end.  
  • We focus too much in our future not experiencing what today has to offer.
  • We choose not to be happy because we think that we do not deserve it. It can be an event, things we wanted or even a person to love. 
  • We sulk into miseries instead of looking at the bigger picture.
  • We blame others or circumstances why we are unsatisfied with our life or why we are where we are right now. 
  • We pretend that we are fine because it is the image that we project to others. They think you got it all figured out.
  • We choose to be in the safer side of the spectrum and not taking any risk because of fear and the odds might not be in our favor.
  • We enter into a relationship because we are lonely and worst, sometimes we are fine being just the third party because we feel that we are loved and it feeds our satisfaction. Only to know later on that you hindered yourself from people that can actually make you their priority. 
  • We have a couple of hang ups that keep on haunting us as years go by. It would be best to face it rather than run from it.
  • We keep ourselves too busy and preoccupied because reality bites but actually we forgot about the little things — a smile from an innocent kid,a beautiful sunset, morning dew drops, breathing and a chance each day to be the person we wanted to be. 
  • We predetermined our future and tried to wire our minds to it without even realizing that life has its own way to surprise us. 
  • We do not have an abundant mindset.

The list is actually limited because there are thousands of reasons that made us chase pavements instead of exploring our sole existence as human beings and that is again to grow as time passes by or maybe towards a bigger purpose not yet defined. 

Purpose, here we go again. Some people already got their lives figured out while some is still in the process. My existence revolves in knowing what will fill the void that I feel inside of me. I am calming my own storms as years pass by. I know that when I look in the mirror I saw someone who is willing to leave everything behind and live the life she wanted. I got gazillions of plans and I only have a limited time. While I am young and strong, I will keep on choosing whatever will make me happy. Life is too short to drink a crappy wine, listen to a crappy song, eating a crappy food, being in The crappy relationship, hanging out with crappy people who drains your energy and be in your crappy comfort zone. 

Live and be an inspiration.

Live and believe.

Live and love. 

Choose what makes you happy. Choose whoever makes you happy. Let go of people you love so much even if it hurts especially if you no longer see a better future with them. The toughest thing I did is to finally let go of everything I hold on to for the past years to make room for something better. I am a bigger person now by choosing my battles wisely. I am closing one chapter of my life and is starting to redefine it.To quote Wil Dasovich: “As you age, you will come to a realization that you will be disappointed with the things you didn’t do than the things you did do.”

Indeed, it is not the years in your life but the life in your years.

Every day can be a brand new start for all of us. It’s about time.

 
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Posted by on August 27, 2017 in personal

 

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The Harsh Reality.

The Harsh Reality.

Have you tried to kick your skeletons back because it has been misplaced in your closet? I did.

I used to be good at this, pretending that life is fine. I remembered how hard I kept on taming my demons when it haunt me and winning the battle is not an easy one. My thoughts cannot easily be controlled and today is one of those days when I just want to stop existing.

I know I will figure this out before I do something stupid but there are voices that keeps on reminding me how inadequate I can be. This might be the problem for people who spent their whole lives chasing stupid dreams and believing that stupid happy endings exist. Maybe when you give life a chance again to unravel its beauty that is also its cue to take you down. I understand how reality works, I never learned at all.

Three months after that day, I puzzled the remaining pieces of my life. Confused on what to do and feeling more than a garbage, I booked a solo trip. I figured my life out in Manila. I walked around a strange city in a posh metropolis. When I got back home, I swear I never have been happier. I thought my demons will no longer haunt me. I thought I will be okay for long and I guess I was wrong.

I looked at myself in the mirror earlier today and saw a 27-year old fucked up. Empty. Lonely. Broken. Nothing. A Nobody.  I can see my soul staring blankly, what did I do to deserve this life? What did I do wrong?

 In this life, it is either you are good enough or not enough at all. You try to fit in between extremes but you cannot. You still end up feeling inadequate. I know this are just pent up emotions from the past. Maybe I haven’t totally moved on at all, maybe I am still trapped inside a mindset that drags me down. These are all hang ups from the past that I just kicked inside without even fixing. It is not being broken hearted. It is about my own self-esteem.

I know for a fact that nobody will love me more than a friend. I am pretty much aware that people like me because of various reasons. I am likeable not loved. I heard a lot of stupid reasons why I deserve this and that. Maybe he is not yet being born. Maybe he is still a work in progress. Maybe your prince got lost in the woods or trapped inside a castle by the evil witch. I suck at romance. I haven’t experienced a real date. I am too guarded and when I started to care my mind is starting to panic. I fear that I will end up being broken but I always end that way. What breaks me are the memories. It will always remind me that I am not enough or too good enough for someone. I know it’s a lame reason but it scratches all those scars open. It leaves me too much pain to endure. If there is a way to end it easily I will. How ironic it is right now for I’ve written a lot about depression and how to overcome it then here I am now planning on a graceful exit. 

I just cannot do it no matter how I badly wanted it. I compensate on things I am good at to balanced my emotions but all the things I have achieved cannot suffice the feeling of inadequacy. The loneliness that paralyzes your effectiveness as a person. It losses my focus. This illness is terrible.

Sometimes I wonder why I am thinking like this because this should not be a problem if I program my mind to think positively. I always try to be positive. I always want to be better but a part of me is too broken that once triggered can be too intoxicating. It kills me within.

I might regret this post but words have always been therapeutic to the soul. I hope to find hope for no words can ease out what I feel. When it comes to matters of the heart, I am too vulnerable because it holds a large chunk of my insecurities. Maybe I can still wait for someday but I hope I can still hold on. I am tired of being smart. Tired of being good. Maybe it would have been better if I was reckless and wasted for men would want to save damsels in distress. Maybe it is okay to be vulnerable to people. Maybe they will try saving me. All these maybes. All these what ifs. All these stupidities.

I am not inlove. 

I wanted to know if my gut feel is right contrary to what my overthinking mind is saying.

I was right and that was the cue for my demons… I will never be enough for anyone. People like me does not deserve happy endings. This is my reality. 

I should live with that… until when will I live and learn? 

 
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Posted by on July 30, 2017 in personal

 

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Unseen. Untold. Uncovered.

​Linkin Park

What goes in your mind when you hear the band name? Numb? In the end? Leave out all the rest? What I’ve Done? Depression? Suicide? A lot of great songs that made my high school to college life saner. Finally a band that sang my life anthems. They sang my thoughts and cradled my demons to sleep. I love most of their songs especially the non electro rock ones. 

They remind me of what I exactly feel and see — darkness. 

Source: Chester Charles Bennington ( March 20, 1976 – July 20, 2017 ) 

It’s in the news and social media recently that Chester Bennington their lead vocalist died because of suicide. Another warrior who chose to let his shield down and got carried away by his own demons. It is sad but people like us understands. This life has no way out when you keep on waiting for God except if you decide to end it too soon. I guess those who survives will continue and those who quitted, God bless their souls. 

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
And don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest”

Linkin Park – Leave Out All The Rest

Leave Out All The Rest

Depression can be deadly. It also kills the people that values you. Do not make yourself a memory if there is still a chance for you to make greater memories while living. 

********************************************

I had a casual conversation with my best pal yesterday about life, suicide and depression. I thanked him for being there and for understanding my own demons. I met these people during my darkest until I found myself again. I fought it victoriously few months ago when I decided to go away for 5 days and engaged myself in a solo trip in Luzon. I did everything alone and tried to feel how great it is to live away from your comfort zone. It was life changing and I have few takeaways from that amazing trip. It made me feel alive again. The purpose why we exist is a difficult question to answer but you need to have a tough mind to absorb what life has to offer. I got to figure it all out slowly but nevertheless I am on the right track.
Not all people understand depression and how crooked all the wires in our head can be. I am grateful to find people who listens and understands… who accepted me and loved every fiber of my madness. I am not very open to share my life because not all people get what I am going through. I am not tough, I am too vulnerable and I easily get too attached to people who trust me and vice versa. I fear to be in situation when I am giving all that I am and they will just reject my efforts and my feelings. I get so attached to people who I know needs me. 

 
Going back to our conversation, not seeking for help is too selfish. I agree, totally! Not all people can be like me who always choose to live by watching videos about coping up with depression, praying, travelling and writing. Some die. Few lives. Not all understand that suicide can be selfish, not all understand how it will affect the people around them — people who values them. We want to die because we think life no longer have meaning for us but we don’t see how we can affect our parents, our family and friends. We want to escape our demons who control us because we could not see ourself the way others see us. We are blinded by thoughts we created in our minds. We are overthinkers and overdoers. We see ourselves as failures, a nobody and useless. We need to talk things out. We need to verbalize our feelings so that our friends would understand and that is the greatest decision I have made — to share my plans of killing myself because I cannot take it anymore. Crying helps. Beer helps. Talking saves.

(This song pretty much sums up what I feel)

“Should’ve stayed, were there signs, I ignored?

Can I help you, not to hurt, anymore?
We saw brilliance, when the world, was asleep
There are things that we can have, but can’t keep.
If they say

Who cares if one more light goes out?
In the sky of a million stars
It flickers, flickers
Who cares when someone’s time runs out?
If a moment is all we are
Or quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out?

Well I do.

The reminders, pull the floor from your feet
In the kitchen, one more chair than you need, oh
And you’re angry, and you should be, it’s not fair
Just ’cause you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it, isn’t there.”

One More Light – Linkin Park

One More Light

I do. I’ve been there. I totally do care.

*********************************************
Honesty is necessary and sometimes it is just so tough to admit that we are weak. I am guilty of that and I am blessed to have few friends who can bluntly tell me how selfish I can be and that I am a person of value in their lives. I am stubborn. I am destroying my own life because of my thoughts and my feelings. This life should be taken easily. Wherever you are right now is probably where you should be. Stop listening to people’s opinions of you because you need to be in tune of yourself. The only opinion that matters is yours and yours alone. Admit that you are a failure and who cares? Everyone at some point in their lives, fail. I know I am a failure. I know I have hurt people. I know I have offended someone. I know I am an asshole. I know I am not beautiful. I know that nobody loves me as a lover. I know I cannot depend on people all the time because they can be a disappointment.We think that we should all conform to what the society needs. I suck. We suck. Who cares? Only you care about it, so why not change how our brains are wired. It is a process, a slow progress.

Spend time alone to think on what you can do to help yourself. 

I only got myself and I owe it to myself to be better each day because when all else fails, I still have ME.

**********************************************

We cannot see our value because we are blinded by our own darkness.

We keep our demons in places we only see. Why not let them dance with people of value in our lives. 

We need to discover our strengths, our weaknesses through various opportunities and set backs that we need to face each day.

Life is damn short and being with our own demons seem to be forever but always choose to be better. 


Choose to live.

 
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Posted by on July 29, 2017 in personal

 

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11:11

Warning: Rants, just rants. 

Making myself better by this words. 

It’s 11:11pm when I opened WordPress and I’m still thinking of a better title for this blog post. Better stick to what came up my mind during that particular moment. Also, to heighten my 11:11 phenomena I made a wish. 

It’s another weekend and my mind just wants to unwind. I think I overslept thus the laziness that I feel. 

I am currently sulking in my room nursing the pain I feel.  It’s like holding my shattered heart and trying to puzzle all those shards out and when it’s almost perfect you’ll just throw it on the wall and listen to the sound of those broken pieces.  Terrible, I know. 

Never have I thought I’ll be able to escape my own insecurities. I know my strengths but my weaknesses even better. I do not even know why I am allowing my mind to cripple me. My thoughts can be so intoxicating, it always remind me to stop hoping for someone who can actually see how worthy I can be.  NO ONE. 

I guess all those failed almost relationships stained everything. Until now I see myself as ugly,  fat, unlovable and pathetic but I’ve accepted those flaws already. I learned to love my unlovable side. No one will be able to love me so I’ve decided to love myself. I choose to be better and cold. 

Every 11:11 I wish to find someone who’ll just accept me for who I am and be man enough to tell me he loves me. I wish to find love for I wasted my life hoping it’ll all be better in the end. I am left with false hopes, bottles of beers, stupid poetry, depression, stress eating and broken heart. At this age, I’m becoming more hopeless than I used to be.  

Those butterflies are killed. 

I’m trying to sort my life but I think I’m still making stupid decisions. I’m tired of crying because all these years I haven’t achieved much of what I’ve planned out. I’m pretty much a loser pretending I got it all figured out. Modern dating sucks. Relationships sucks and meant for other people except me. It’s like I’ve been cursed. 

Boys trying to enter my life and won’t even stay so why enter in the first place? Door’s open LEAVE. 

Friends who’ll try to tell you all those good words but your life didn’t change anyway. 

Life trying to surprise you and hurts you anyways.

Family who said they’ll support you and start ghosting anyway. 

I pretty much always end up with myself. I know I can make it through this drama probably just  sleep my feelings and dream about beaches and sunsets then wake up regretting this blog post. 

11:11 — I wish I didn’t exist because to live without feeling a sense of purpose is meaningless and I don’t want to grow old alone so please God, do your thing. 

Good job Cupid for granting other people’s desires while you keep on missing mine since my birth. Screw you for always messing up! 

** Bon Nuit**

 
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Posted by on July 16, 2017 in personal

 

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She Wolf.

My heart is full and I would want to write my thoughts but I got a problem though, it’s hard to express it all in plain sentences so I opted to use metaphors in describing what I feel. I just need to write it before I burst into pieces, devour my thoughts for it feed me too long enough to take my sanity away.

I would want to take this opportunity to raise a toast to the broken ones who no longer had hope in love. I’m too broken to believe anymore.

The night is too young as of the moment but I’m daydreaming my own darkness whilst I’m all alone in a beach watching the full moon as it casts its light to everything that surrounds me. I can feel the eerieness but I am born alpha, no fear of the unknown. 

The chill runs down my spine and I wanted the darkness to eat me… slowly, until nothing is left. I want to escape the pangs of being alone in a beautiful night only to realized that I’m immune to the feeling. 

A broken wolf no longer believes that the morning will come. She looks at the moon and cry, cry until no sound can be heard from her. All those cries can be heard from a nearby town and sending goosebumps to everyone. You can feel its pain, a dying hope totally drowned by miseries. She howls to the Moon who’s million miles away from her, the moon who gave her light is also the moon that takes away his hope in certain days. The moon that is shy on certain days and would just leave a smirk in the sky. The moon she longs for is the moon that shines bright to other creatures of the night.

—————————–

I opened my eyes only to see sheer beauty. The darkness invaded me and I am comforted by the shadows of trees behind me. I continue to watch the moon from the horizon assuring me that I’ll be fine. 

I guess I will be fine. I will be fine without you. Without anyone. Don’t give me the light when you don’t plan to stay. Don’t disturb me for I will not be moved. 

I am a broken piece of the past and no one can restore me. I ripped my soul and my heart for my words. My words are my pride and my soul died too many times to believe that there’s hope in love. 

Au revoir. 🐺

 
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Posted by on June 20, 2017 in personal

 

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