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Author Archives: chillerspot

About chillerspot

I'm Sharon Carol Sta. Maria Lamb. Spontaneous. Crazy. Blogger. Nature Lover. Computer Baby. Graphic Designer wannabe. Frustrated Programmer. Twitter Spammer. Tumblrista. Creative Bum. Dreamer. Funny. Netizen. Owl. Panda Baby. Polar Bear. Facebook Stalker. Music Lover. Adventure Seeker. Eiffel Tower lover. Coffee Slave. Certified Day Dreamer. Furry creatures aficionado. Happy-go-Lucky. Hopeless Romantic. Current job: Customer Account Executive -- in short, dakilang call center agent ng bayang Pilipinas. This is where my thoughts linger and my emotions chill. Sometimes words and thoughts really need some place to stay in order to preserve the great memories of the present. I guess my emotions just need to be documented in order for me to fully appreciate my life... in its deeper sense. Who am I is such a cliche in my world. I consider myself as a complete stranger to my friends, a hopeless romantic who never tells what her heart longs for and a frustrated self proclaimed artist who is stuck in her nutshell waiting for her moment to arrive. My dream job is to be a wedding planner... seeing fairytales come to life equates to bliss. How I wish I can make lovers dreams come true. I finally let go of my fantasies of being a lawyer... I guess I don't want to make my life complicated. You see I'm just a regular kid who loves adventure and freedom. But I'm not a regular girl... I'm a bit too conservative to some but hell I'm crazy. Some people think I'm stupid, some think I'm smart and that's because I can outwit people most of the time but nah - I'm just a bit aware of everything around me. I don't call it intelligence, I define it as common sense. I live between two extremes. Traveling is all I want to do... Exploring new things, learning from every mistakes that I commit and a spirit that is always game for all the challenges that may come my way defines my existence. I thank God for the gift of flexibility. I know life is a bit harsh but hey at least it is easy for me to move on as long as you lift every single burden to God and live life as if it's your last. God is my best friend. Now I'm off to find my personal legend because I believe that the universe will conspire in attaining my goals in life. And I know that while I'm enjoying my stay here on Earth Cupid will play its role too... and that someday I'll find the one that I'll truly love and I will live happily ever after just the way I wanted my life to be... not a fairy tale but at least something worth remembering. I know he's worth the wait.

Time Check: 5:04 AM Thoughts

It’s 5 am and I’m wide awake. I can hear the wind howling outside and I’m now imagining how cold it is right now if I go out. I turned off the lights in my room to feel the coldness of my soul and here I am chilling.

2019 started and a lot has happened. I probably got too preoccupied with a lot of stuff that the sadness I felt didn’t bother me. The frequent nightmares added up to my daily stress and I spent time deciphering the point of those nightmares and some people of the past that taunts me. I guess my dreams reminded me of some fears I never wanted to face — the truth. This year I’ll be turning 30 and it scares the hell out of me knowing that all my plans screwed up back when I was 15 years old. So I’m 29, no luxury car, no profitable business, no mansion, no kids and never been to Cancun, Mexico. I didn’t pursue my programming career and got stuck in the BPO industry that pays my bills. I celebrate my highs and learn from my lows but still I feel like shit on several occasions. I think people live this way… they keep going no matter how crappy life goes. We get used to this feels of being not the person we imagined to be. We thrive still because of our goals but regardless of what we need to chase, we are still humans susceptible to all kinds of pain and despair.

In general, my life is okay. I know I should be grateful but there are those days when I just feel a little meh. Insomnia bothers me, the cold mornings I need to face each day just to go to work and feel like shit sometimes. It’s like working for the sake of money. My heart is dead. My brain shuts off. I wanted to give up but my bank account and bills are cursing me to fix myself or else everything will be screwed up and I might just kill myself all of a sudden. I don’t have a better choice.

There are days when I make myself believe that humans are wired that way, never contented. Maybe that’s why I wanted more when in fact I already have a lot but choose not to make those skillset and experience work towards my advantage. I’ve been lazy instead of having that grit to be the person I wanted to be. I choose to be where I am right now and I ain’t blaming anybody but me.

The birds chirping and it’s finally 6am in the morning. I’m still in my room figuring out how to make my life a little bit meaningful. Whenever I see my mother, I am saddened by the reality that one day I’ll lose her. My heart is crushing to pieces when those thoughts enter my mind. What’s the point of living when the people you value the most are gone?

My mind is tired of thinking as of the moment. I’m tired of what the future beholds for me and I’m scared of whatever problems this year has for me. I may need to continue my faith and resilience for me to survive this year. And I’m definitely tired of fixing shits of subordinates. I just hope I’ll find meaning to what I do because again I’m tired of this routine.

God bless me.

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Posted by on January 7, 2019 in personal

 

Hello 2019!

Another year to unravel, another year full of memories to recall and I’m ecstatic to know what is in store this 2019. Annually, I I owe it to myself to write something about the year that was and somehow sum it up with simile and metaphors but honestly I’m out of words as of the moment. My mind has been shut off already due to the holiday clamors and I just want to laze around and let this day be it — first day of the year.

2018 taught me a lot of things and I faced adulthood head on. A lot came up with bills piling up, savings turned to bankruptcy and unstoppable expenses but I still manage to cope up with all those stressors. I found solutions to problems I need to deal with and I kept on juggling my responsibilities versus my heart’s desire — travelling, shopping and eating. I’ve grown mature and adaptive to all the changes that went my way.

I took the chance of a lifetime by committing myself to someone I admire. After all these years I finally have someone I can call my own, someone I can hug and kiss and someone who’ll support my endeavours. It’s not what I expected to be and not even like in the movies. There are more difficult days than good ones but you still chose to be together for a lot of reasons. I guess commitment is all about being there together despite all the odds and eccentrities, surprise discoveries and personality differences. It’s about adjusting, meeting half way and respecting each other that matters most.

I hope we can make better memories and surpass the challenges that may come our way.

I hope this year I will have more moments with my mom and just like all the years that come and go, I wish that we’ll still be together this 2020. I always tell her to stay until I’m settled and that I need her in my life. I guess we’ll never outgrow that kid feeling in us longing for a mother who’ll take care whenever we don’t feel well. The multiplicities of emotions that dawns me on a daily basis knowing one day I might lose her kills me.

My mom is getting older and weaker as I grow older and afraid of what the future has in store for me. I pray that God will still give me more happy moments with her and that she’ll be healthy and always happy. I want to see her on my special days, my wedding day and all the possible milestones that I’ll encounter this coming years. I looked at the calendar and frowned upon the reality that my age will soon not be part of it anymore and my life seems not happening at all — not how I planned it to be but I need to be still and enjoy the moment.

Since I’m old and broke, my travel plans are limited even if my heart is screaming for it. I hope I’ll be able to see more new places this year and I pray that I’ll be able to save enough money for it.

  • January – Iloilo
  • February – Cebu
  • April – Bais/Dumaguete
  • August – Iloilo, Guimaras and Cebu

… Here’s to more gastro-fill days alone, with Paul and with friends.

May this year be a good year for me. I am excited to know how 2019 will end and may this be a year for me to find and do what my heart truly desires. I hope great success to my new venture — Lookah!

Cheers for 2019! May this be a year full of memories, self-discovery and adventures! To more glory days dedicated to God and Mama! I will never survived without my faith!

 
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Posted by on January 2, 2019 in personal

 

A Night of Isolation

I tried harder this year. I tried to feel the season but the feels won’t sink in. I guess Christmas is just another day for a young adult like me. It’s not as special as it seems. I remembered how sad I was two weeks ago after a good walk inside the mall. The longingness to go back to those days when everyone at home is too busy prepping up for the holidays. Today, cobwebs and dusts keep on piling up so as my pent up emotions.

This year I’m left with one inspiration, my mom. Three years passed since Tito’s death and life has never been the same. I begged for God to take ten years out of my life just for me to see them once again. I want to hug my dad and tell him how much I miss his smiles. I wanted to see my uncle and tell him that I love him. If only I can go back to those days, I will.

There are days when I feel a little nostalgic of those days. All those times I spent talking and arguing with my Tito Edsel, the quiet afternoons in our garden and those late night Teleserye sessions. My heart is full tonight because of all the memories that kept on drowning me but you see I can’t be sad tonight, not on God’s special day.

I got a simple prayer on Christmas Eve.

Dear God,

I love you. I just wanted to thank you for all the good and bad things that have happened this year. Keep me going, God. Keep me motivated to move forward despite the odds that I need to conquer. Keep me grateful for the simple things instead of chasing selfish dreams. I wanted to be better in dealing with my life. May I keep the fire inside me to ignite my own passions. May you my Lord find better ways to unfold my future.

Merry Christmas. To be continued.

 

A Thanksgiving For The Year That Was.

A Thanksgiving For The Year That Was.

Disclaimer: This post has too much selfies. Viewer discretion is advised.

To start off, I failed my 30-day blogging challenge. You see I’ve been lazy and demotivated to write especially when my mind is not in sync to my soul. I just don’t want to write for the sake of writing, I always write what I feel.

Today, my heart is full.

I’m in my room right now trying to control my surging emotions. Aside from being grateful for another year, all of the challenges I’ve been through start flashing righ before my eyes. Battles that got worsen by my mind and days when I’ve almost lose everything were gone. I’m thankful for today and for who I’ve become over the years. The darkest of my days paved way to that strength I’ve never imagined I possess. To all the whines, complaints and suicidal thoughts that bothered me and how depression crippled me to see the beauty of this world, thank you because I’m glad I’m still here.

I thought my life was a curse. It was a series of fortunate and misfortunate events. A never ending saga of great feeling and then bombarded by bad luck causing me to hate everything I have. I guess time really teaches us to be wise because right now I’m thankful for all of it.

Being 28 was a whole lot of firsts. This is the age of wisdom, the age where I learned to appreciate my pains and made me better. It’s the age when I made bold decisions and embraced responsibilities I never thought I’ll be able to withstand.

Let me recall some of my firsts this year:

  • Learned how to drive
  • Got my passport
  • Got my driver’s license
  • Bank loan
  • Had mouth expanders that made me talk weird
  • Had braces
  • Got my premolars extracted
  • Ventured in online business
  • Learned to let go of past hangups and loved again
  • Ride a trike to explore places
  • First facial ever
  • Got glasses

The list goes on and let me add some near death experiences that I didn’t care much because I’m alive anyways. 😂

I actually cried earlier because of my bestfriend’s message to me and I can’t thank him enough for all those years. I made the best decision this year to keep those people who brings out the best in me and not the beast in me. A lot of people come out way but not are all meant to stay. I thank all those who joined me once in my journey because somehow you are able to be part of my growth. I didn’t regret my decision to close some chapters because it was necessary for my own growth. I am proud of my friends list today.

I remembered how I became too emotional talking to a customer last week because he was an angel. You see not all days at work are good. There are days when I reassess myself and then realize how my skills are put into waste. I got tired of self-pitying and just reminded myself how it pays the bills. He was an angel because he reminded me of what I can become someday. If I believe in myself then I can go a long way. I can be an executive or some sort and that made me smile.

He also told me that I’m smart. A lot of people tell me that but I don’t usually believe it. I never believed that I’m smart. I used to have awards in school and even part of the president’s list in graduate school but to be honest it didn’t change the way I view myself… until last week. I thought people just tell me that I’m smart to boost and motivate me. Now, I’m starting to believe in it.

He told me that I was raised well by my parents. He can sense it on the way I’ve talked to him and how I’ve answered his questions. I almost cried while I’m talking to him because it reminded me of my cause back then, to make my parents proud of me. Oftentimes, I think that I failed my mom and dad because I haven’t make used of my skillset well. On better days, I knew I’m a good daughter.

I love my mom, my dad and my uncle. They did their best to provide me a better life even if I demanded more during those days when we are financially troubled. I love how they cared about me and supported my decisions. I’ve lost two of my pillars and my mom is also getting older… my fear is to lose her while I’m still finding myself. It’s a pain growing up without a father, more pain when my uncle died right before my eyes and I can’t imagine the pain I’ll face when I lost her. That is my only birthday wish this year… More years with my mom.

I’ll keep on being myself no matter what. I know that I’m grumpy at times, a total asshole to some and that friend with such comical character.

I am who I am and my attitude towards people is based on their attitude towards me and others. I value people that brings good vibes and hate those that generates animosity.

I’ll strive to be better. The strength I’ve acquired over the years will make me surpass the trials that will come. I am better today because I choose to be better, I choose the f*cks worth f*cking and simply trusting the process.

To all the people who took their time to greet me and showed their love, I am thankful. Thanks for reminding me that my existence is well appreciated and for boosting my bruised ego. I promised myself to continue living life with an optimistic mindset. I will continue to share my compassion and kindness, a promise to make life a better place to live.

To the man I love and will always love, thanks for bringing light into my world and for always reminding me that I’m worth loving. I love you John Paul.

Cheers to more years…

And more Pabebe days with you…

I still have problems to face and more challenges to encounter. I’ve thread so much for 28 years and now, a new chapter unfolds. I don’t know what’s in store on my 29th year but I face it with a taunting smile as I whisper “bring it on”.

Happy 29th to me, such an oldie! 😂

 
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Posted by on November 23, 2018 in adventures

 

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Day 10: Corporate Jargons and Millenials

If only I can travel and sleep for a living, I will. I’m stuck in a corporate job doing my best to meet deadlines and targets in order for me to pass my scorecard. It’s mentally draining and most millenials may find it boring, exhausting, frustrating and excruciating when IG posts features lives of dogs and cats that are earning thousands of dollars just for being adorable while on the other hand, I’m here auditing calls and coaching folks to do what they can to hit their metrics.

It’s not that I am ungrateful or hate the job that I do, it’s just that sometimes if you just let it it’ll totally take much of your 24 hour time. I work as a team lead for a famous BPO company in the Philippines and I’m thankful because of it I got my Master’s degree, got a new car, got to travel, paid my bills and invested in insurance plans for my future. Aside from the pros, the cons also outweigh my emotions towards having a nice job.

The BPO industry helped our economy for the past years and I can’t imagine our country without it. As long as you’re English proficient, you will surely land a job. The stress and success goes a long way for those who persevered. It’s not easy to adjust on flexible start times and rest days. It’s crazy especially if you are living far from the office then good luck!

Most employees right now are millenials whose interest and tolerance levels varies. It’s not that they are not competitive, it’s more of pursuing things they are passionate about as much as possible rather than be stuck in a 9 hour work that kills you slowly in the inside. Some always ask, is it worth it to be practical rather than choosing happiness even if it will never pay your bills? Adulthood sucks, nobody knows how to survive this as there is no better way to learn unless you experience it.

Maybe you’re wondering why I came up with corporate jargons and millenials as a title of this blog. TBH IDK.

It’s just that right now, everything is evolving knowing that it’s 2018 already. I appreciate agents who would call me TL rather than tee or teh as it annoys me sometimes knowing that we are working in a call center and you can’t even pronounce it right. TL stands for team lead and OM stands for operations manager… It cringes me as well hearing people calling a manager as “ohm” instead of “oh-em”. There are a lot of corporate Jargons that I live each day and it’s not easy to discuss things to friends who are not on the same industry. Most of my used Jargons are the following:

  • Let’s park that question
  • Doing DDA – deep dive analysis
  • BRB
  • FYI
  • Let’s work on our FTD scores (fiscal to date)
  • PTO please (paid time off)
  • Ensure EOD scores please (end of day)
  • AHT please!
  • Lost hours

And the list goes on and on…

May we all find job to love, value and care about especially if you’re not able to find it yet.

 
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Posted by on November 23, 2018 in personal

 

Day 9: Defeat and What You Did Next

I found my self rehashing some events wherein I felt so defeated. Numerous fails and almosts in all aspects of my life and I don’t know why I’m still here. I call it set backs, a short detour prior to my best destination. There are times when I persevered so much and ended up failing… Maybe I just didn’t try hard enough.

The most unforgettable defeat moment I’ve experienced is losing the chance to graduate with honors in graduate school. I know I’m a little bit of a slacker compared to who I was in college but I know I did my part. I almost failed my managerial accounting class because of a cheating case that screwed a lot of folks — including me. It was terrible knowing that I am not that kind of person. It got resolved and we’re able to graduate. What saddens me though is when you try so hard to make things right and succeed, a setback is always in place. Not that I’m new to it, in fact I’ve been so used to this right now that I became numb when things don’t go my way.

I guess time plays a part here. At first you’ll feel myriad of emotions and from Okay to not Okay feels you’ll just find yourself happy again despite on what have happened. I see every defeat as a chance for me to do better or simply move forward because what else can I do. We can’t hold grudges forever as it ruins you instead of helping you. It’s not easy to accept defeat all the time but accept it eventually in time and just go through life and experience new adventures or another set of challenges bound to ruin your positivity in life.

Just. Keep. GOING.

It’s not the first time I’ve experienced failure. I’ve got a lot I tell you and even now it never stopped. I always encounter a lot of work frustrations that sometimes I’m about to give up. I even question my own leadership and intellect on why others can move their teams up while I’m plainly having a mediocre attainment. Maybe I’ve been mediocre whole life or maybe I’m just to proud of myself that I expect too much on everyone and too much for myself. It’s a journey still to accept defeat, to plan what’s next and to find your niche. Sometimes it is not working because it might not meant to work in the first place. We are all sucker for success but what if we are not destined to be successful at your corporate job but is bound to be in our passion. Who knows? We should not stop ourself from taking risks just because it didn’t go our way in the first place. We should keep going until we get used to the feeling of failing and still celebrate milestones achieved.

Don’t let your self doubt hinder your way to a better and productive future. All we need is to be self aware and make use of our strengths in our own advantage. It’s always a good battle regardless of the results if you did all you can to win. Life is not about winning, it’s about learning and experiencing — a realization I had after 28 years. I’ve been better in dealing with this now compared to years ago when I threw fits and hated God for not giving me what I want and what I think I deserved.

 
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Posted by on November 4, 2018 in personal

 

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Day 7: On Tempers and Rages

Yes, you’re seeing a deliciously angry looking pizza.

Day 7 is not on the list of topics that I need to write about because I’m trying to customize it into something personal to me rather than follow a series of theme everyday.

To start off, temper means something neutralizing and rage is fury gone loose. On why I wanted to talk about it is that one, it’s interesting and relevant. Second, the pizza looks like me — nice in general but when triggered can turn into an evil bitch from Wakanda. Everyday we encounter circumstances or people that get into our nerves ( please read my other blog post about things that annoy me here: What Annoys Me ) yet we still discern our feelings and think as rational as possible. I throw fits and almost kill annoying people in my mind. I mean if I confront them from being annoying that would make me look like a fool. It’s so biased and inhumane for me to do so. Human as we are, we are accompanied by myriad of emotions everyday yet we were given the gift of reason to act wisely. Some may involved in serious problems just because they let their emotions take over their rationality. Pity those fools for they let their inner bitches took over their life and now they are stained.

Anyways, rage is dangerous. I would admit that I sometimes find myself acting stupid just because I’m furious. I started raging when I learned how to drive and being in the road requires not just mental alertness but tantamount of patience before you start shooting assholes. I mean, being caught in a traffic and having someone cutting you off while you safely drive can sometimes be infuriating. I had one instance wherein a motorcycle driver shoved his middle finger up high just because I slowed down to let kids cross and caught up in a very difficult situation because a passenger jeep just stopped in front of me. I got no better choice and he hated me for slowing down because he was driving so fast. I got mad I stepped on the pedal trying to rush over the traffic and just want to blow horns at him or probably squeeze his bird brain. I must say my inner bitch took over my sanity for 10 seconds and realized that my life is too precious for me to waste on stupid people. I must say I’m learning to control the evil in me and just let it go. I need 10 seconds of silence and a quick prayer to regain back my senses.

Frustrations and work stress also add up to my mood swings and getting a massage weekly to relax is so expensive but I’m still willing to pay for it just because I value my mental health. Regardless of all these feelings we feel, our mind should always overpower those raging emotions. Our temper can sometimes make or break us.

In case you feel aggravated by a situation, take a step back and breathe. Never let your tongue say anything you’ll regret, never do anything that can hurt others and never let other people’s anger become your anger.

I always remind myself that no matter what… Be the bigger person. 😇

 
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Posted by on October 30, 2018 in personal

 

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