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Monthly Archives: January 2018

Have I Gone Mad? 

I’ve written too much these past few years and my blog posts showcase my thoughts on a gloomy day. It’s a series of rants, unspoken words and poetry that reveals a not so typical piece of me. Words are my refuge in times when my heart is full of rage, despair, happiness and loneliness. What I’ve written all these years are my emotions waiting to be judge by the public who does not know the real me. I wear my heart on my sleeve perfectly in each piece of literary mayhem. It conveys emotions that are cryptic to some yet true friends know what I exactly mean. Well, people have their own opinions and I’ve lived past their scrutiny. 

I have known myself from all its recesses and how my emotions can fluctuate from time to time. I’m a reservoir waiting to be filled by memories and circumstances — sometimes shines, sometimes covered with darkness. 

I know how to tame my inner beast during the peak of my emotions as it eats my sanity away. I growl for respect and revenge is always sweeter if achieved. I am a monster when in rage and it’s hard to tame myself when justice ain’t sought. 

Looking myself in the mirror again, I’ve grown fast. The loneliness in my eyes were replaced by hope and the faith within have been stronger. I’ve overcome life’s worst and here I am standing still, brushing off the dusts from yesteryears battle. Another montage of past events on repeat, I’ve sorted it based on how I’ve successfully handled it. Not all emotions were retrieved but the memories were so clear. Where did the old me go? The one who sulks in one corner; the one who cried herself to sleep slowly losing hope in this world; the one who held the gun wanting to shoot herself; the one who travelled to find herself; the one who gave up on love just because she felt that she’s unworthy; the one who created her own euphoria by writing poetry; and the hopeless romantic. 

I touched myself trying to feel it’s realness. I am alive. I know people have judged me for what I’ve wrote, for what I’ve act and for the decisions I made. I don’t owe anyone an explanation. I always put my faith to test this humanity. My heart wanted to let people see how I’ve seen it. I wanted to negotiate and make both ends meet no matter how hard it is. I’ve wanted to explain to people who got hurt by my words and actions to let them understand. I wanted peace and happiness but I realized that not all people see life the way I see it. 

Yes, I am innocent sometimes. The patience I extend are oftentimes abused. The niceness I project is always being challenged by circumstances. Some people provoke my own demons and they summon my own beast, the beast I’m trying to kill for quite some time. This beast is egocentric and hates injustice. It wanted to give detractors a taste of their own medicine. It symbolizes strength, power and evilness of my soul. It humbly waits for its prey who trespasses the danger zone. It is hard to tame sometimes but has been tamed all the time. 

I have been better all these years — such an honor and uplifts thy soul. 

The anger in my heart have been constantly healed by love and appreciation. I pray to God for patience and wisdom to understand and respond to situations in a manner that I won’t regret. I need to be better, I remind myself all the time. You can’t buy class, you exhibit it. People like me may think of ways to seek revenge but I believe karma has its own way of dealing with our lives. If you know you did not do anything wrong, you can sleep well at night. Wish people well instead.

I pray for peace and trust. I pray for a life I deserve. I pray for patience and love. I pray for forgiveness to those who’ve talked behind me, judged me and for those who’ve said nasty words. I know there will be no peace in my heart if I keep on looking back to those days where I got hurt. To keep going is harder than before if I let my useless emotional baggages drag me. I’ve been assured and that’s what I’ve trying to hold on right now. Until that day comes along, I’ll keep going and I’ll choose to be better. 

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Posted by on January 10, 2018 in personal, Uncategorized

 

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2017 Is A Good Year After All. 

And so I stop being so excited for the new year. I watched the second hand as it moves swiftly, here goes another wasted second.

2017 I must say is a year of new beginnings and remarkable memories. I waved goodbye to my quarter life crisis drama and depression is just another battle I kept on winning. Too many sullen episodes last 2017 but I survived. I’m glad I did. I’m glad I was able to keep going despite the toxicities of my mind. I’m glad I am here today drafting my year end post.

Life has never been easy for idealists like me for they see things way differently and they ended up most of the time frustrated.

It was a year where I travelled alone or with friends. I went to places that is new to me. Places that are not even that  famous yet gave me a lifetime experience I’ll never forget. Those experiences made me better as a person and gave me the chance to appreciate  life’s simple pleasures.

I’ve let go and opened my heart to new possibilities. Another year ended and this time I knew I emerged as someone who became better as time passes by. I aged gracefully and now somewhat mature in dealing with life. It has been a wonderful journey despite the set backs, great falls and frustrations. I should not be afraid of what’s in store. I know life is not all about good things and that I should prepare myself to deal with the storms and losing some battles. I know there will another episodes of melancholia. There will be days that I want to just stay in my room an cry but there will also be days that you’ll be grateful that you’re alive. I am happy because I met people who kept me sane this 2017 and that made me feel that it’s okay to be vulnerable. It’s okay to be not perfect. It’s okay to be full of flaws because they’ve accepted me for who I am — depressed and crazy.

They’ve been the funniest travel buddies I’ve been and I’m definitely looking forward to our next adventures.

And to Paul who never ceased to believe in my potentials, thank you. Thanks for being my best friend and shoulder to lean on during the times when I hated the world. Who would have thought that our friendship turned into something else? Despite all the dramas, I’m thankful that you came and that you didn’t give up on me. Thanks for being there always. I love you so much and I cannot wait to make memories with you and the rest of our friends.

2017, I bid goodbye to all the pains I felt and will be forever thankful to the new achievements I’ve unlocked both financially and emotionally. Work has been fine — challenging and tolerable. I hope I’ll be able to spend more time to what matters most than engage myself with stress that affects my being. I may need more time to unwind.

To 2018, I don’t expect much from you but let God’s will be done in my life. I’ll hold on to my faith that no matter what’s in store for me this year, I’ll be forever grateful for a life that I should start loving and living. I still wish for good health to the people I love and may we still have more time to make beautiful memories. 😊

God bless us all. Cheers to another year and may we enjoy another 365 days ride to 2019. Welcome aboard to flight 2018.  ❤

 
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Posted by on January 2, 2018 in personal, Uncategorized

 

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