The weather makes me want to write as random thoughts crowding my mind so better yet it’s about time for me to look for a good muse ( I need that random kick to get started just so you know). I opened my bedside drawer and scanned the product of my midnight ramblings a decade ago… I found out several journals and notebooks all filled with my stories, my frustrations, my joy and er yeah my life, of course.
I’m a random kid who loves to write and blog. I think I have this crazy handwriting fetish because I like seeing my handwriting on various medium and I like how absurd my thoughts can be. I like how my mind works and hate it when it over thinks. I’m like hey hey wait a minute you’re getting way out the axis, chill brain… ( I’m sorry for another monologue episode ).
Okay, here I go with my thoughts and thirst to write. I feel a little lot tired and desperate. Tired because things are happening all at once and I’m pressuring my mind to work like shit because it’s not working lately or should I say refused to work because she knows I need to work on my accounting case studies. I hate it. I guess I might need a separate blog post for my rants about it though. Anyways, I’m tired because of accounting and desperate because of it too. I actually don’t know if I still love graduate school or not. Whatever.
Moving on to the good vibes…
It’s a Monday and I’ve been unproductive. I’m not in the mood to work on my graduate school papers. I don’t worry much about work because I’ve already started my deck for our meeting later. Last week, I’m actually losing myself because of jealousy issues. I’ve been too indulge to those CSI-like patterns that I’m actually drifting and made me lose my damn focus on work and school related issues. I resorted to online articles about how to overcome it. I fixed my thoughts and myself. I don’t have the right to feel such nor the right to react because we are not even committed to each other. I acknowledged the feeling and tried to let it go.
So that was a brief summary of my last week’s life story. Now, I’m actually enjoying my sober thoughts. I’m still kinda lost of what really to do with my life so I just simply make the best of today. Quarter life crisis about to take its toll and I’m getting ready for possible emotional surge that may come my way. I’ve got lots of issues to face and just the thought of it horrifies me so I sit and daydream for a while trying to escape reality. Why worry about tomorrow if I still have today ? Yep, why worry at all?
But I’m worrying.
Now, I’m actually panicking. I’m afraid that my fears and stressors will slowly consume me. I’m afraid that I’ll never get to live as chill as possible. I don’t know. I want to live passionately, doing the things that make me smile, being with someone who’s worthwhile. I want to grasp the meaning of this life I’m currently living. Going to school actually is fun and enlightening because I’m investing on myself but I cannot deny the fact that each day in the academe makes me recall what have happened last summer. Some basic facts actually are slowly killing me and I can never moved on. It hurts like hell and I’m nursing a bruised ego. I want to forget all these shits and possibly drown my worries over a bottle of Cuervo. Yes, I need alcohol or caffeine to make me giddy. I am fully aware that alcohol never solves a problem neither does milk. So here I am on a not really that gloomy Monday afternoon sorting my thoughts and rehashing my yesteryears.
I thought I’m a grown up already but then I’m not. There are still aspects in my life that I need to work on. There are fears that scare the hell out of me. There’s this confusion about love. There are these battles of what I really want versus what I need to do. Yes, growing up is never easy and being me is even harder. I’m actually discerning about my life… am I on the right track? Too many questions clouded up my mind and I’m again stuck into the fleeting minutes of my time doing absolutely nothing except sorting my ideas and thoughts.
I’ll never be coherent. Whatever.
So I still can’t find my muse nor an interesting topic to blog about. Again, I ended up pouring my innermost feelings about certain aspects of my life and my world. What I wrote is actually the opposite of my cheery demeanor. I maybe an eternal optimist but I can’t hide the fact that I too is a human with a side that I don’t want others to know but I’m slowly revealing it through my blogs and my posts. This is the real me, no pretensions… just a blogger who writes her thoughts online not to impress but to express.