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Monthly Archives: July 2014

Letter to God

07.27.2014

Dear God,

This week has been amazing and I cannot thank you enough for all the good things that have happened. I am happy that despite my emotional turmoils at work I decided to stay and remained as steadfast as possible. Thank you for guiding my decisions and for finally giving me the sign that it’s about time. It’s all about perfect timing.

I know I should have rejoiced because I nailed it but for me it’s not yet the time. The moment I decided to step up is the same moment I decided to welcome more dramas andΒ  more challenges — also great chances for victories and lessons learned. It’s about time I develop and influence people. It’s about time to be someone. Thanks for giving me all the patience in the world, for time to unravel fully my maturity and for simply being positive despite my miseries. My life isn’t perfect but I don’t want to drown myself into the negative waves. I am resilient enough to face each challenge.

My life is now about to change. Thanks for this positive change God. I’ll learn a lot from the experience.

I am still bargaining though to finally have it all at the same time. A blooming career life and a happy heart is what I need. Ahmmmm… please? Anyhoo, thanks for giving me a best guy friend who has been there for me through good times and the bad, who constantly believes in my prowess, who cares for me when I do crazy things and who loves me in a different kind of way. I love him too. **blushing

Howkay! Enough of the cheesy stuffs. God, please take care of my old champ Riji who is now in dog heaven. I’ll surely miss him. You know how much I love him and how it pains me knowing that he’s gone but I know he’s in a better place. 😦

God, I’m still weak. I still have unsettled issues so I still need a lot of help. I trust you and I know that every failure has a reason, every tears I cried has its purpose and every pain has its story that I can share to others.Β  Lord, thank you for everything because I’ve learned to be mature enough to face the world.

Thanks and I love you.

Always,

Carol

 
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Posted by on July 27, 2014 in journal, life, Life Blog

 

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It’s Another Monday Ramble

The weather makes me want to write as random thoughts crowding my mind so better yet it’s about time for me to look for a good muse ( I need that random kick to get started just so you know). I opened my bedside drawer and scanned the product of my midnight ramblings a decade ago… I found out several journals and notebooks all filled with my stories, my frustrations, my joy and er yeah my life, of course.

I’m a random kid who loves to write and blog. I think I have this crazy handwriting fetish because I like seeing my handwriting on various medium and I like how absurd my thoughts can be. I like how my mind works and hate it when it over thinks. I’m like hey hey wait a minute you’re getting way out the axis, chill brain… ( I’m sorry for another monologue episode ).

Okay, here I go with my thoughts and thirst to write. I feel a little lot tired and desperate. Tired because things are happening all at once and I’m pressuring my mind to work like shit because it’s not working lately or should I say refused to work because she knows I need to work on my accounting case studies. I hate it. I guess I might need a separate blog post for my rants about it though. Anyways, I’m tired because of accounting and desperate because of it too. I actually don’t know if I still love graduate school or not. Whatever.

Moving on to the good vibes…

It’s a Monday and I’ve been unproductive. I’m not in the mood to work on my graduate school papers. I don’t worry much about work because I’ve already started my deck for our meeting later. Last week, I’m actually losing myself because of jealousy issues. I’ve been too indulge to those CSI-like patterns that I’m actually drifting and made me lose my damn focus on work and school related issues. I resorted to online articles about how to overcome it. I fixed my thoughts and myself. I don’t have the right to feel such nor the right to react because we are not even committed to each other. I acknowledged the feeling and tried to let it go.

So that was a brief summary of my last week’s life story. Now, I’m actually enjoying my sober thoughts.Β  I’m still kinda lost of what really to do with my life so I just simply make the best of today. Quarter life crisis about to take its toll and I’m getting ready for possible emotional surge that may come my way. I’ve got lots of issues to face and just the thought of it horrifies me so I sit and daydream for a while trying to escape reality. Why worry about tomorrow if I still have today ? Yep, why worry at all?

But I’m worrying.

Now, I’m actually panicking. I’m afraid that my fears and stressors will slowly consume me. I’m afraid that I’ll never get to live as chill as possible. I don’t know. I want to live passionately, doing the things that make me smile, being with someone who’s worthwhile. I want to grasp the meaning of this life I’m currently living. Going to school actually is fun and enlightening because I’m investing on myself but I cannot deny the fact that each day in the academe makes me recall what have happened last summer. Some basic facts actually are slowly killing me and I can never moved on. It hurts like hell and I’m nursing a bruised ego. I want to forget all these shits and possibly drown my worries over a bottle of Cuervo. Yes, I need alcohol or caffeine to make me giddy. I am fully aware that alcohol never  solves a problem neither does milk. So here I am on a not really that gloomy Monday afternoon sorting my thoughts and rehashing my yesteryears.

I thought I’m a grown up already but then I’m not. There are still aspects in my life that I need to work on. There are fears that scare the hell out of me. There’s this confusion about love. There are these battles of what I really want versus what I need to do. Yes, growing up is never easy and being me is even harder.  I’m actually discerning about  my life… am I on the right track?  Too many questions clouded up my mind and I’m again stuck into the fleeting minutes of my time doing absolutely nothing except sorting my ideas and thoughts.

I’ll never be coherent. Whatever.

So I still can’t find my muse nor an interesting topic to blog about. Again, I ended up pouring my innermost feelings about certain aspects of my life and my world. What I wrote is actually the opposite of my cheery demeanor. I maybe an eternal optimist but I can’t hide the fact that I too is a human with a side that I don’t want others to know but I’m slowly revealing it through my blogs and my posts. This is the real me, no pretensions… just a blogger who writes her thoughts online not to impress but to  express.

 
 

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