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Coffee Diary. 

Almost 2am and I can’t sleep. 

My mind is such a terrible place at this hour and has been calmed down by caffeine for the mean time. I spent my night tossing and turning on my bed forcing myself to sleep but it didn’t happen. Minutes of dozing off and my brain cells are then wired up for some analysis of life’s events. It’s a little bit terrifying when it starts to rehash memories and try to puzzle out stuff that I should not worry about. I just locked my demons back to where it belongs to and I can say I’m fine or at least I believe I am. I am pretty much aware that all the summer feels were gone and my life revolves from gloomy to stormy. I can see the sun once in a while but clouds kept on covering all the sunrays. 

I’m still trying to convince myself that I don’t need medical attention for my depression. I think I’m fine. I know I’m not but at least I’m not suicidal… well not yet. Every day is such a challenge especially if my mind starts to drift. I always daydream though to survive each day but I turned into a hopeless person from a person full of sunshine. 

I guess I need a break. 

I guess I will be fine. 

Keep going as they say… so that’s what I’ll do, go on. Be strong. Pray. Lean on God. 

I love God and I know everything will be fine if I put my trust in him. 😊

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Posted by on October 11, 2017 in personal

 

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Empty Soul. 

Today, I feel lethargic.

It’s the usual feeling I have almost every day so I know I shouldn’t make a big deal out of it but despite being sluggish, I am also in the mood to write. 

I want to write what I feel and hopefully I’ll get over it. As I looked at the second hand in my watch and as it bids one second after another, I know I’m losing time. Some people seems to live while I keep on dying every day. I am becoming tired of living and my hope is slowly fading. There’s this boy who reminds me of another pain bound to happen and the past is just another good thing I survived kind of thing. I should be appreciative the least of it instead I formed clouds of hate. 

Always a good time with someone and it can be addicting. It’s rare to find someone who totally get you, all your weirdness and craziness yet accepted you. It’s rare to find someone whom you can share minutes of silence without feeling that awkwardness. It’s like finding your soul mate but you’re just not meant to be together. I have this alpha personality where I think I’m way better than his girl but I know he’ll never choose me. If he wanted to, then he should’ve choosen me before. I get that. I believed in that fact.

Aside from the fact that nobody wanted to be with me, I have been trying my best to find my own happiness. Every day I can find something to smile about but the emptiness haunts me. Sharing my time, being with him, with friends and working gave me happiness, a temporary happiness that made me survived each day. Deep inside I long for that day when today makes sense and I hope I’ll make it. I hope that the next wave of depression would be easy but everytime it hits me, I am getting weaker and weaker. My hope slowly dying together with my soul. I no longer see the value of existing when nobody wants me to call their own. 

I lift my burdens to God and I know he sees my pain. I hate being just an option when I deserve to be the choice. I hate living this kind of life when all these years I invested in good karma. I hate being stuck in the dark and the light he gives me each day would just bring me pain. If I let myself fall into the abyss I know I’ll be dead. If he loves me, he will choose me. I know he is just there to act like a saviour because who wouldn’t feel better to save a broken soul? To love and not be love is life’s greatest tragedy and I don’t know how to start over if I’ll let myself fall into the trap. My resistance in niceness and consistency have leveled up already. I know I can still walk away from him and leave even if I’ll be shattered. I’ll be hurt, be in pain perhaps but the pain won’t destroy me… not yet. 

I envy the girl who has his heart. I don’t know my role in his life and I don’t want to know at all. I already programmed my mind that I’m just a friend he enjoyed talking to and I should stop myself from falling. For once I need to be better. I cannot be gullible and end up being hurt. I don’t deserve to be just a third party. I deserve to be the girl who owns someone’s heart. Take me as I am with all my good and bad side. Don’t look at me like I’m better than you or that you’re better than me. Love should not be complicated.

 

I wish to find someone exactly like you who’ll choose me for the rest of my life. I hope God grants my wishes soon because I have no idea how long I can actually hold on. Life’s loses its meaning as time ticks away each day. 

Inspire me or just kill me. 

 
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Posted by on October 6, 2017 in personal

 

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Random Thoughts Brewing

Montage. 

My mind right now is a crazy montage. All of my yesteryears keep flashing and my failures highlighted. I came into a different avenue of thoughts that made me feel so lost about what I really wanted to do with my life. I know I ain’t getting younger each day and if this is just another pre-birthday blues, I totally fear the upcoming days. 

Life’s a series of mishaps and luck we didn’t imagine. It’s how you react to certain circumstances that define your being. Sometimes because of pride, I tend to be stubborn. I don’t listen much and decide on my own. I usually trust my own judgement and gut feel. I also consider myself an asshole sometimes to people I don’t like. I am such a difficult person to deal with. 

There are days when I question my decisions if it’s indeed for the greater good. When it back fires, I need to be accountable to it. I don’t apologize if it’s not my fault but I normally take the hit. I don’t know how I feel today except that my heart is broken and my soul is tormented. Always been. Always will. 

I wonder how long will I hold on to life if life is no longer taking chances to make me appreciate each day. Not everything and everyone I value I can even call my own. I am living in a borrowed moment, a borrowed life which can be taken anytime. My regret is not to fully live and exhaust my potentials. It’s all about choices they say and I am in chaos today afraid of making a wrong move.

They say failures aren’t failures but lessons learned that will make sense someday. Life teaches us the hard way most of the time and it’s up to you on how to creatively cope. My heart has been my weakness and will always be. It has been a struggle for me to be heartless despite numerous attempts putting myself in a very vulnerable state. I built walls yet I let people in to  destroy the bricks. I don’t know why I am such a sucker for time and attention. I don’t know what to do with my self in times of chaos instead to roll into the corner, weep until the pain subsides. 

I have been depressed and I hate dragging people into my miseries and hearing their empathy statements make me wanna puke. It’s an illness I want to escape, I fake my own happiness and hide behind smiles and wit. I wanted to be strong despite this crippling feeling of emptiness. I feel inadequate. I feel that nothing makes sense and that nobody will actually love someone like me. I easily get attached to people who takes time in knowing me but it’s also a cycle, no one is strong enough to take me in one’s world. I am alone in my journey and nothing is sadder knowing you are not enough or more than enough to be loved. 

It sounds stupid most of the time to some knowing my problem is about love and life. They say all those compliments that kills me slowly. They say to wait for time may not be my best friend. They all say things that make me feel bad because if it’s true then it should have happen long ago just like how others find love and happiness. They found meaning in such a dreaded life while I survive each day hoping it’ll be my last if all these feels persist. 

I pray so hard that this will be over. Wave after wave of sadness is actually  haunting me and the pain I feel keeps on refreshing each time a moment happens. I feel bad on feeling this way because I should be happy and blessed but I’m not. I don’t feel such bliss. I just feel so tired to deal with life all the time. I hope I get to overcome this feeling.

Good night. 

 
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Posted by on September 28, 2017 in personal

 

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Attachments

I hate being attached to a place, event, memories and people. I have been too emotional in dealing with separation and will take me days to fully recover. I don’t understand why but it’s just how I am. No matter how strong, ruthless and independent I can be, I still fall for memories. I appreciate people who puts in a lot of effort to know and stick with me. Sometimes I fear losing them but I still lose people along the way, I’m still alive but broken. To sum up my thoughts for tonight, lemme write a poem. 

Just in Time


You didn’t come in crashing waves

but you walk in like a theft

Broke the bricks one built for years

and let the sun shine through the cracks of disbelief. 


The pain disappeared as time passes 

Cold nights became a place of solace

To trust time is such a great risk

so as to believe once again


The future did promise uncertainties 

and today seems to be a game of madness 

where the past became a lesson

and the present is full of wonder and misery


The verge of the cliff is enticing 

and my heart wanted to jump once again

I wanted to love the process

I really do. 


What’s in store for me is still a mystery

and the crash might end what’s left

The fall has no assurance of life 

after a series of death. 


In this parallel world,

not all are meant to last.

I have walked into the storm already

and I have no plans of coming back. 



S. C. L. 


 
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Posted by on September 25, 2017 in personal

 

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Thoughts on Love and Life Just Because I Feel Like Blogging. 

What love is supposed to be as told by someone who is a complete fucked up when it comes to relationships. 

I sometimes wonder what love really is so I did seek for answers in the point of view of my friends and people who are in a relationship. In my years of existence I must say that I’ve been broken without even having a boyfriend. It’s also as crazy as moving on even if there’s no breakups involved so it doesn’t mean I’m inexperienced when it comes to love. Been there, done this and that. 

Love can probably be shown in several forms we may notice or not. It is not about being together but being there for each other. It can be not seeing for the longest time yet the flame keeps on burning. It can be working on developing each other to be better individuals despite having different dreams. It is all about growing together to be better. Waking up each day finally makes sense and not more of a chore. It is watching the sun sets so beautifully and hoping for the sun to rise again the next day. It’s about being empowered. It is about what makes your heart warm amidst the coldest weather. It makes you a little poetic when everything between you two can be metaphors.

It is not the ripped off of souls. 

Love I guess should feel that way. I keep on thinking and imagining what love is supposed to be. Is it just a take care, good night thing? Is it just holding each other’s hand on a cold Sunday morning trying to figure out what to do? Is it all about fulfilling our lustful thoughts? Is it about being in a place of comfort?

Perhaps,  love indeed cannot be rationalize. 

But love should makes us better. It strengthens our weak selves, it makes us grow. It should not be dragging. It should not feel more of a responsibility not even an obligation. It should be spontaneous, something to look forward to. It’s about priorities and not begging for time. It’s about the freedom to be yourself with his/her friends/family members. 

It’s about being happy.

Sometimes I believe that life will present you circumstances that you seldom win yet you will eventually understand why the lose was actually necessary for you to win yourself. It is that dire need to extend your patience to wait for the right time when every plan is about to be realized. I must say the universe tricked me but it doesn’t mean I gave up already. 

Probably love has its own season. 

In my quest to find answers to my own questions I get to see how things in the past finally made sense today and how today seems to be a puzzle I get tired of solving so I just let it be. I know that I am only choosing what makes me happy right now whether it’s right or wrong I don’t care much as long as it’s legal. I looked at myself pretty much fine with everything that’s been going on despite some several set backs. I don’t need to prove myself to anyone. I am pretty much aware of myself and that my insecurities are well accepted. I wanted to keep on moving on with my life each day. I want to be the better me and the better choice all the time. I want to make people feel that choosing me is not something they’ll regret in the end. It can be choosing me as their leader, their friend, partner or whatever. I see the best in people and some may hate me for being me but I always level up my life experience. I hate to stay where most people are. I wanted to be different than the rest.

I never wanted to be compared because I know I have my own traits that people love and hate. Even if sometimes I keep on wondering too why I am single it doesn’t make me anymore less of a person despite my several trash talks toward myself. I built my character to be indestructible and that the only opinion that can destroy me is my perception towards myself. 

I sometimes smile when friends tell me that I am not being considered as a threat. Well, sorry to say but you should be. You don’t think of people that way because you are being blinded by what they can do against you. Each and everyone of us can be a threat and even without me fully realizing it I must say not pretty much of the population have the same profile as mine. I may be meek but I got the power to nail the things I wanted especially if I’m really so into it. 

In the end, I accept what life has to offer me. I stand tall after each fall, brushing off the dirt in my knees and clean the wounds of yesterdays. I know I do not win all the time. I know sometimes how the universe make me suffer so bad I wanted to give up but didn’t and I guess I will never will. 

Until that time comes, I’ll keep on moving on. 

 
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Posted by on September 5, 2017 in personal

 

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Paglaya



Hindi mabilang na buntong hininga
Tuwing maalala ang nakaraan
Kinubling kasiyahan at katotohanan
Dahil tayo ay suntok sa buwan

Pilit kong tinakbuhan
Sarili’y nagbalat kayo
Himig nitong puso’y tinago
Baka tayo pa ay magbago

Namulat sa realidad
Na walang ako, walang ikaw
Higit sa lahat walang tayo
Kahit hilingin ko man ito sa bituin

Tadhanang mapaglaro
Damdaming hindi mabiro
Umasang baka sa paghintay
Hiling ay matupad kahit papano

Araw at buwan lumipas
Hindi ko inakalang nabulag
Ang puso kong puno ng lumbay
Mundo na nawalan ng kulay

Mata’y minulat
Katotohanang dinilat
Pinalaya ang sariling nabaon
Sa pag-ibig na nilipasan ng panahon

Sa aking paglaya ngayon
Binuo ako ulit ng pagkakataon
Bukas ay haharapin
Sarili’y unting unting babangon.

-S.C.L.

 
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Posted by on September 4, 2017 in personal

 

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Outgrowing Yourself, Redefining Life

All of us probably wanted to live a little longer and enjoy this beautiful world but have you ever thought that it’s not actually how long you live but how you make most out of the life you have?

I always wonder what life has to offer me and I know for myself that money ain’t always my sole purpose of existing. It is not the material things that can actually complete me but I know for a fact that it is something inanimate. I seek for a deeper purpose most of the time and I see things differently compared to how others thread their daily lives. We are not born to just exist, we are born to LIVE. 

Today, I wanted to step back and reevaluate my life again after what I have been through this year; all the people I met and realizations that struck me during times that I didn’t actually expect it. I must say, it has been a year full of lessons that made me outgrow who I used to be and be someone I didn’t actually expect. My understanding of my own life became clearer and never have I been prouder to know that I didn’t cut my existence short just because I lose my faith. 

There are times in our lives that we totally do not understand why certain mishaps happen and times that test not just our faith but our totality as a human being. Heartbreaks and frustrations that shattered us to bits and made us experience rock bottom. The demons inside our head that crippled us and made us feel that no matter how we wanted to be better we are deemed to fail. We tried to stand up every time we fall, wiped those tears and even fought back several times than we imagined. Most of the time we continue to move forward, some escape their realities and get haunted later on while few quit life too soon. We have a lot of ways to cope up with what life has to offer but I guess the best way is deciding to outgrow ourselves and be in tune with our own being. 

I remembered Wil Dasovich’s video (click me ——-> Wil Dasovich  ) telling the world of his illness and how he still manages to be positive despite such bad news. I too thought about my own life and how well I lived it. What struck me the most are these questions “How satisfied are you with the way you flipped your life? Have you maximized your experience?” 

My answer? I am halfway there, perhaps.

A good friend once asked me if given a chance would I want to see the future for me to continue moving on with sheer positivity because you already had a glimpse of what is in store for you in the future? Without any doubt I said NO. Tempting as it may be, provided that life will give me a genie that grants wishes such as such I still do not want to see my future. The journey is not as beautiful as it supposed to be if that is the case. I know how I have been ranting too much or even questioning my own existence from my previous blog posts but in my heart I know that there’s a bigger reason behind everything. Every battle is meaningful even if it took me almost a decade or whatever number of years, months, weeks and days to understand. Life has its own way to uncover its meaning and sometimes we realized it late or even unexpectedly. We tend to be too impatient, we demanded too much for answers and even wanted to defy time. We know that no matter how we try to change our own path, our destiny will unravel in its own season and it is for us to fully understand why certain things need to happen for us to appreciate our life a little more.

I wanted to max out my life before life screams time’s up bitch! I wanted others to be better too and not dwell on the negativities. We need to accentuate the positive most of the time because staying sad and depressed will just not make us better. For the nth time, never have I ever wanted to outgrow myself as much as I have wanted it now.

Here are some instances that hinder us to be our better version:

  • We stick to what is convenient and practical even if it kills us inside. 
  • We focus more on our insecurities rather than our strengths.
  • We justify our vices because we say life is too short and ended up being unhealthy and sick later on. 
  • We are so into our social media accounts and it make us feel envious of other people’s lives. Classic feels. 
  • We live the dreams our parents wanted for us and lose our own identity in the process. 
  • We cannot be ourselves because we fear that society might judge us, we usually tend to conform. 
  • We try to stay in a crappy relationship because of the number of years you’ve been together without even realizing that instead of growing together you are already growing apart. 
  • We force ourselves to be someone in order to prove those who’ve hurt us that we are actually better only to end up being too frustrated because we are doing it to boost our pride but will still make us feel empty in the end.  
  • We focus too much in our future not experiencing what today has to offer.
  • We choose not to be happy because we think that we do not deserve it. It can be an event, things we wanted or even a person to love. 
  • We sulk into miseries instead of looking at the bigger picture.
  • We blame others or circumstances why we are unsatisfied with our life or why we are where we are right now. 
  • We pretend that we are fine because it is the image that we project to others. They think you got it all figured out.
  • We choose to be in the safer side of the spectrum and not taking any risk because of fear and the odds might not be in our favor.
  • We enter into a relationship because we are lonely and worst, sometimes we are fine being just the third party because we feel that we are loved and it feeds our satisfaction. Only to know later on that you hindered yourself from people that can actually make you their priority. 
  • We have a couple of hang ups that keep on haunting us as years go by. It would be best to face it rather than run from it.
  • We keep ourselves too busy and preoccupied because reality bites but actually we forgot about the little things — a smile from an innocent kid,a beautiful sunset, morning dew drops, breathing and a chance each day to be the person we wanted to be. 
  • We predetermined our future and tried to wire our minds to it without even realizing that life has its own way to surprise us. 
  • We do not have an abundant mindset.

The list is actually limited because there are thousands of reasons that made us chase pavements instead of exploring our sole existence as human beings and that is again to grow as time passes by or maybe towards a bigger purpose not yet defined. 

Purpose, here we go again. Some people already got their lives figured out while some is still in the process. My existence revolves in knowing what will fill the void that I feel inside of me. I am calming my own storms as years pass by. I know that when I look in the mirror I saw someone who is willing to leave everything behind and live the life she wanted. I got gazillions of plans and I only have a limited time. While I am young and strong, I will keep on choosing whatever will make me happy. Life is too short to drink a crappy wine, listen to a crappy song, eating a crappy food, being in The crappy relationship, hanging out with crappy people who drains your energy and be in your crappy comfort zone. 

Live and be an inspiration.

Live and believe.

Live and love. 

Choose what makes you happy. Choose whoever makes you happy. Let go of people you love so much even if it hurts especially if you no longer see a better future with them. The toughest thing I did is to finally let go of everything I hold on to for the past years to make room for something better. I am a bigger person now by choosing my battles wisely. I am closing one chapter of my life and is starting to redefine it.To quote Wil Dasovich: “As you age, you will come to a realization that you will be disappointed with the things you didn’t do than the things you did do.”

Indeed, it is not the years in your life but the life in your years.

Every day can be a brand new start for all of us. It’s about time.

 
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Posted by on August 27, 2017 in personal

 

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