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Only You Can Save Yourself.

Only You Can Save Yourself.

People like me is pretty much hard to understand and I won’t deny that. It’s not easy to make me talk unless I am very comfortable with you. I am not the loudest person in the room for I am associated as the quiet one, the one who simply observes and most of the time is on day dreaming mode.

I am not surprised if people would name me names or hate me. Honestly, I don’t give a damn. At this point of my life, I stopped caring on what others would actually say about me. Say whatever you want to say it’s a free world. Opinions do matter if you let it matter. If it’s not essential for your growth then trash it — seriously.

I know who I am (and still evolving, still self discovering).

Time taught me to choose battles that are worth fighting. If it won’t matter 365 days from now then why bother spending 60 seconds of my time worrying about it. I tried my best to understand most people and sometimes too much trust can lead to abuse. And yes, I learned it the hard way. I learned to walk out of toxic friendships and situations.

I chose to be happy.

Through the years I’ve became independent and made big decisions that were life changing. There are days when I looked back on how I’ve struggled on too many things and distractions yet I survived. Countless times of begging to God to take my life because of the tremendous pain that I feel; of all the failures that drowned me; of all the doubts that haunted me; and all the fears that crippled me. It wasn’t an easy feat to stand once again and make the world a better place when I have the option to make it hell for others.

I stopped talking because no one will ever understand. I stopped sharing to a lot of people because I know they won’t take that seriously or worst will just take it against me. Instead, I opened my mind and accepted that it’s just the way it is — people will disappoint you all the time but you can’t whine about it and expect them to shower you with love and kisses. I can’t be too ideal on my relationships to others as much as I also want to be one’s ideal friend. That’s next to impossible, I must say.

Mental health and its horrors are not that easy to talk about in this society full of standards and stereotypes. Talk to people who will surely listen, who will not give you the solution but help you out to be better. Hearing nice words and compliments won’t make a depressed person better, they want to hear that no matter what will happen you’re there on their side of the spectrum. Yeah, you hear me right and that’s also respecting their decision to cease their own life. It’s not your battle and you don’t know what’s going on inside them. You may state your thoughts about the situation but don’t provide solutions and force it. Trust me, don’t. Just don’t.

(pause for a minute)

.

.

.

Think of a long road trip to nowhere.

.

.

.

Selfish people will hold you down and will tell you that it’s scary and might probably let you go but with road maps, phone, drawn directions, emergency contact numbers and a handy pepper spray. My point is that they wanted you to be safe. It’s selfish because they simply don’t want to lose you and just want to keep you safe even if you’re too full of the world and want to escape. On the other hand, those who loved deeply will just let you go and will let you enjoy the journey. No trackers, no self defense stuff and probably won’t really require you a knapsack for your clothes. Some people might think that these folks never cared about you but in reality they are the ones who cared more.

What I am saying is that, I grew up in a world full of love and happiness. Too dreamy but it was my reality. My dad is amazing and my mom, although strict is as equally amazing as my father. My uncle who has been supportive and been proud of who I became during my early years was also awesome. They did protect and discipline me yet hold me accountable of my actions/decisions during the whole course of my teenage life. There were days I felt they didn’t even trust me because they sound condescending at times but eventually I realized that they were just afraid that I might get lost in this world full of bad decisions to make.

Even if I am too shy to share my struggles to them, I know that they will support me no matter what and that made me persevered to be better. The trust my parents gave me paved way to me achieving things I never thought of reaching. The goals are growing so as my drive. Depression bottled up inside me for a lot of factors and still haunts me sometimes. Also, losing some of my life’s VIPs just worsen the situation.

Several breakdowns and lone moments were experienced ages ago but I kept going.

I can still recall the days I cried and wished to just simply die. I woke up with a heavy heart and looked at my bedroom wall with suicidal thoughts in mind. It was a lonely journey.

… but also a beautiful one.

Quarter life crisis hit me and the journey of self discovery happened. One fine day when frustrations built up, I booked myself a flight to Cebu. I was 22 then. It was my first time to travel alone and my fear that it will be my last became my nirvana, my sanity break. So, whenever life hits me hard, I go. I go to new places to breathe and explore the world on a different perspective. It makes me feel normal and a totally different person. I am who I am and I am at my happiest.

The beaches were my sanctuary. The blue skies comfort my soul and the sunsets I experienced make me want to live each day a little longer. I am hoping to feel that same moment of awe and gratefulness all over again thus my wanderlust won’t cease to exist.

I never wanted to be understood for I’ve understand that not all will empathise on the choices I made. If I don’t want to be in your circle then I won’t force myself to fit in. I am a free person with an opinionated mind, a mouth who simply shuts up whenever I have nothing good to say ( unless I am drunk or something) and a heart full of love to the broken ones.

I know I cannot save everybody but I still want to save most.

I treat people based on how they treat me and others. I give too many chances to some. I burn bridges and never restore it. I battle fights worth battling and I keep those people of value who’ve prove their worth over time. There are the ones I love to be with and have earned my trust; those who deserve to see my laughters; my crazy side; the one who talks non-stop and jokes around until your stomach hurts. I show myself to those who kept me sane over the years and for friendships that have stood the test of time and transcends wherever we may be.

Lastly, I want to thank people who’ve come and go in my life for you’re those that I exactly need to be in my journey. We may or may not be part of each other’s lives anymore but you folks where the ones I need to grow and be who I am today. I can’t thank you enough( swearing to God I am not being sarcastic). I learned a lot through the years and I’ve been mature in dealing with this. One realization struck me a few months ago though — after all that I’ve been through and all the reckless decisions I made, only I can save myself.

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Posted by on September 2, 2018 in inspirational, life, personal

 

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What Depression Looks Like.

P. S. :This post stayed in my drafts for almost a month.

After Chester Bennington took his life, I never have that urged to write again about depression. It is a sensitive topic to talk about because people say a lot of things about it that just hurts me instead of being uplifted. This is actually far worst than any illness. It is your body, your mind that is haunting you and no matter how you want to escape it, it lingers until you find the best solution — death.

Seeing my Twitter feed as celebrities and other personalities talked about Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade’s death, I felt that sudden gush of pain from the left side of my chest. It’s crushing. It’s horrifying. It’s getting real as time passes by that even the wealthy, the great and the renowned are also suffering. We heard a lot of news but we still don’t put too much care about it. It’s either we don’t need to meddle into someone else’s battle, just leave it as it is — a phase in that person’s life he needs to overcome or push him to seek medical help. What if it’s already too late?

Depression does not have a face. It can be anyone, your parents, your sibling, your best friend, your partner or your colleagues. It is that moment when the world no longer excites you and you just want to rest from the agony of existing. The war of emotions, the ultimate decision. Your end.

Take me back years ago when I almost took my own life. I’ve got a lot of issues to face. I bid goodbye to my princess life and got my own dose of reality. I don’t know what to do. It’s hard to let go of that status quo knowing you don’t have money left in the bank. I need to find a living after I graduated college but finding a good job didn’t make me feel any better. A lot of issues rose up and I just don’t know how to deal with it anymore. I even asked God why is he doing this to me when all these years I just did what I can to be better. I never did anything to harm other people, I showed compassion. It was series of breakdowns and lonely nights — a sudden feeling to end it all. I tried to slash my wrist way back in college but just a mere attempt made me feel stupid. This is not how I supposed to end my problems. I tried to think of hanging myself but seeing my uncle and mom gushing over my achievements made me feel guilty. It was a constant battle of the mind and my heart and of people I’ll leave behind. I thought the wanting to die feeling would stop until one day I hit rock bottom. The gun could have save me from the pain I’m feeling that moment but never from the best moments that came after. It was one sunny day when existential crisis hit me. Financial issues and dreams not coming up into realization. I was 24 with quarter life crisis and facing some legal issues for the family. I am exhausted of everything. I remembered texting a friend who said to stop whatever it is that I’m planning to do. We talked about mental health and how he conquered it, I felt better after knowing someone understands. He was 28, I was 24. Alcohol helped me. The constant weekend parties and hang outs, the crazy life juggling between a promotion and graduate school. The mind was too preoccupied to think about suicide.

I thought I’ll be fine…. But it didn’t stop there.

Months passed by and I was able to hurdle it all and I feel accomplished then my uncle who acts as my second dad died. It was devastating.

I embraced my darkness and cooed my demons. I am the happiest friend in the group. The joker, the person full of positivity and life. The one who wears her mask so good that nobody knew about that side that haunts her every night. I stared on my bedroom walls not knowing what will make me feel better and complete. I wonder if others feel this way too every night. It was the emptiness that depresses me, it’s existing without a purpose. It’s surviving each day feeling no sense of accomplishment.

I achieved a lot of things in my student life. I expected more from myself. I invested for myself. I know I got no one else to back myself up. I wrote my pains. I wrote poetry that calms my soul. I wrote but never talked about depression because some people’s opinions are stupid. I don’t need praises and compliment. I need a solution perhaps a diversion. I know I can still manage except last year when the feeling came more frequently. I asked my closest friend about the best psychiatrist in the city. He suggested but told me that it depends if it’s a good idea or not. You are the only person who can help yourself.

I went back on those moments that I’m glad I’m alive. Travelling. Seeing new places excite me — places that I know nothing about. Walking around and feeling the world. It’s so beautiful to be in a strange place. I realized that toxins come from a place of comfort. The mind needs to be reminded sometimes.

We are the ones who can help ourselves. Rise above your demons and continue the faith. Those who ended their battles aren’t coward, they are the strong ones to cease their existence. I envy them but I know that I’m still resilient enough to survive. There’s more to life as cliche as it sounds.

I am my own warrior and training my mind to be tough is an achievement so far. I focused my mind to stand up each time I fall. I tried and tried to exist regardless if it’s pointless anymore. I strengthen my faith. I kept on believing in God and when all else fails I let him take all my burdens and calm my mind. I wake up each day wishing to see more sunsets and sunrises on a different country. I don’t want to wait for the day when I’m battling my own life not because of my own demons but an illness that will halt me from achieving the things I desire. I wanted to be freed from the chains I created and remain resilient in facing life.

Depression has no face. You can’t even sense it from afar but watch for this signs I got from Ten Characteristics of Perfectly Hidden Depression:

I got 14 yes in the questionnaire. Might as well try this and see for yourself : Perfectly Hidden Depression Questionnaire

I know that I have depression since high school. I know the sadness and emptiness are not normal. It’s the battle of doing my best. I’ve been too idealistic then but now I’m coping up with the real world. A lot of stuff frustrates me but I keep on training my mind to go on.

Life is interesting and I always remind myself that the bad things that are happening is just a phase that will make me appreciate it more. Success never been that sweet if you know you’ve worked hard for it. Happiness will never be special if you didn’t experience sadness. You just need to open your mind to endless possibilities and that can help us to live each day one day at a time. Goals help me be inspired even if my goal can sometimes be stupid as it sounds.

Again, depression has no face. You’ll never know when it’ll strike but you just need to fight your own self to achieve the things you desire. Believe me it’s tough, it’s frustrating but it can be worth it.

 
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Posted by on July 8, 2018 in personal

 

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Have I Gone Mad? 

I’ve written too much these past few years and my blog posts showcase my thoughts on a gloomy day. It’s a series of rants, unspoken words and poetry that reveals a not so typical piece of me. Words are my refuge in times when my heart is full of rage, despair, happiness and loneliness. What I’ve written all these years are my emotions waiting to be judge by the public who does not know the real me. I wear my heart on my sleeve perfectly in each piece of literary mayhem. It conveys emotions that are cryptic to some yet true friends know what I exactly mean. Well, people have their own opinions and I’ve lived past their scrutiny. 

I have known myself from all its recesses and how my emotions can fluctuate from time to time. I’m a reservoir waiting to be filled by memories and circumstances — sometimes shines, sometimes covered with darkness. 

I know how to tame my inner beast during the peak of my emotions as it eats my sanity away. I growl for respect and revenge is always sweeter if achieved. I am a monster when in rage and it’s hard to tame myself when justice ain’t sought. 

Looking myself in the mirror again, I’ve grown fast. The loneliness in my eyes were replaced by hope and the faith within have been stronger. I’ve overcome life’s worst and here I am standing still, brushing off the dusts from yesteryears battle. Another montage of past events on repeat, I’ve sorted it based on how I’ve successfully handled it. Not all emotions were retrieved but the memories were so clear. Where did the old me go? The one who sulks in one corner; the one who cried herself to sleep slowly losing hope in this world; the one who held the gun wanting to shoot herself; the one who travelled to find herself; the one who gave up on love just because she felt that she’s unworthy; the one who created her own euphoria by writing poetry; and the hopeless romantic. 

I touched myself trying to feel it’s realness. I am alive. I know people have judged me for what I’ve wrote, for what I’ve act and for the decisions I made. I don’t owe anyone an explanation. I always put my faith to test this humanity. My heart wanted to let people see how I’ve seen it. I wanted to negotiate and make both ends meet no matter how hard it is. I’ve wanted to explain to people who got hurt by my words and actions to let them understand. I wanted peace and happiness but I realized that not all people see life the way I see it. 

Yes, I am innocent sometimes. The patience I extend are oftentimes abused. The niceness I project is always being challenged by circumstances. Some people provoke my own demons and they summon my own beast, the beast I’m trying to kill for quite some time. This beast is egocentric and hates injustice. It wanted to give detractors a taste of their own medicine. It symbolizes strength, power and evilness of my soul. It humbly waits for its prey who trespasses the danger zone. It is hard to tame sometimes but has been tamed all the time. 

I have been better all these years — such an honor and uplifts thy soul. 

The anger in my heart have been constantly healed by love and appreciation. I pray to God for patience and wisdom to understand and respond to situations in a manner that I won’t regret. I need to be better, I remind myself all the time. You can’t buy class, you exhibit it. People like me may think of ways to seek revenge but I believe karma has its own way of dealing with our lives. If you know you did not do anything wrong, you can sleep well at night. Wish people well instead.

I pray for peace and trust. I pray for a life I deserve. I pray for patience and love. I pray for forgiveness to those who’ve talked behind me, judged me and for those who’ve said nasty words. I know there will be no peace in my heart if I keep on looking back to those days where I got hurt. To keep going is harder than before if I let my useless emotional baggages drag me. I’ve been assured and that’s what I’ve trying to hold on right now. Until that day comes along, I’ll keep going and I’ll choose to be better. 

 
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Posted by on January 10, 2018 in personal, Uncategorized

 

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2017 Is A Good Year After All. 

And so I stop being so excited for the new year. I watched the second hand as it moves swiftly, here goes another wasted second.

2017 I must say is a year of new beginnings and remarkable memories. I waved goodbye to my quarter life crisis drama and depression is just another battle I kept on winning. Too many sullen episodes last 2017 but I survived. I’m glad I did. I’m glad I was able to keep going despite the toxicities of my mind. I’m glad I am here today drafting my year end post.

Life has never been easy for idealists like me for they see things way differently and they ended up most of the time frustrated.

It was a year where I travelled alone or with friends. I went to places that is new to me. Places that are not even that  famous yet gave me a lifetime experience I’ll never forget. Those experiences made me better as a person and gave me the chance to appreciate  life’s simple pleasures.

I’ve let go and opened my heart to new possibilities. Another year ended and this time I knew I emerged as someone who became better as time passes by. I aged gracefully and now somewhat mature in dealing with life. It has been a wonderful journey despite the set backs, great falls and frustrations. I should not be afraid of what’s in store. I know life is not all about good things and that I should prepare myself to deal with the storms and losing some battles. I know there will another episodes of melancholia. There will be days that I want to just stay in my room an cry but there will also be days that you’ll be grateful that you’re alive. I am happy because I met people who kept me sane this 2017 and that made me feel that it’s okay to be vulnerable. It’s okay to be not perfect. It’s okay to be full of flaws because they’ve accepted me for who I am — depressed and crazy.

They’ve been the funniest travel buddies I’ve been and I’m definitely looking forward to our next adventures.

And to Paul who never ceased to believe in my potentials, thank you. Thanks for being my best friend and shoulder to lean on during the times when I hated the world. Who would have thought that our friendship turned into something else? Despite all the dramas, I’m thankful that you came and that you didn’t give up on me. Thanks for being there always. I love you so much and I cannot wait to make memories with you and the rest of our friends.

2017, I bid goodbye to all the pains I felt and will be forever thankful to the new achievements I’ve unlocked both financially and emotionally. Work has been fine — challenging and tolerable. I hope I’ll be able to spend more time to what matters most than engage myself with stress that affects my being. I may need more time to unwind.

To 2018, I don’t expect much from you but let God’s will be done in my life. I’ll hold on to my faith that no matter what’s in store for me this year, I’ll be forever grateful for a life that I should start loving and living. I still wish for good health to the people I love and may we still have more time to make beautiful memories. 😊

God bless us all. Cheers to another year and may we enjoy another 365 days ride to 2019. Welcome aboard to flight 2018.  ❤

 
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Posted by on January 2, 2018 in personal, Uncategorized

 

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Why I Pray.

Why I Pray.

I have never been a religious person nor I was born in a family who is a devotee of patron saints. I am raised inside a household of people who believes in God but never actually cared much of going to church on Sunday. They think it’s hypocrisy to go just for the sake of going and my mother cringes with the thought of sharing casual conversation with her Amigas who’ll just brag about their new stuff. Enough of the why-I-do-not-go-to-church rants.

I believe in God.

I believe that my life is governed by a Supreme Being whose love for me is indispensable. I exist because deep inside my tormented soul is a fainted light of hope. A light that was lit up by experiences that made sense through the years. These are events that made me who I am today and some are unexplainable which I usually call a blessing. I questioned God’s will several times given that success will not be always easy for me. 

I’ve got too much to be thankful for this year. A lot has changed even the way I see my life so far. It’s never perfect, full of dramas, depression demons and misfortunes but my faith stood still. I never ceased at believing on his divine presence and for unexplainable reasons he made me feel better each time I cried my way to sleep. I asked myself what did I do to deserve all these frustrations, a product of an intoxicated mind and broken heart. Time didn’t heal me, it was my faith that everything will pass that made me survived. 

In my heart I believe in the magic of Christmas. I believe that all the events in our lives are part of a grander plan that will shape us to be a better version of ourselves. I believe that our faith will determine how resilient we are in facing our battles. God will always bless us if we let go and accept what’s in store for us. It’s about doing good no matter what life throws at our lives. Keep going with a strong faith that everything will be better soon. Today I pray not for myself but for all the people of value in my life. I pray to keep them safe and that we’ll have more years together especially to my mother who I love the most. 

I pray for peace for those whose hearts are at war. I pray for courage. I pray for love to stay in our hearts and that we continue to be someone who’ll restore someone’s faith in humanity. I will continue to pray because it makes me feel better and secured at all times. Let go of the pain and accept his grace in our hearts.  Take a 60 seconds  pause tonight and thank God for blessing your life.

Merry Christmas! 😘

 
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Posted by on December 25, 2017 in personal

 

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28 Life Realizations 

28 Life Realizations 

Honestly I’m out of words in writing my thoughts today but I need to whack my brain cells because this is not supposed to be an ordinary day for me. 

And so I’ve turned 28 today and geez I am such an oldie. Anyways, another year has been added and to celebrate my life I will write about my realizations and I hope you don’t get bored along the way because this might be one of my longest blog post. 

Let’s get started…

1. Life never cease to surprise me and this year has been crazy. There were dark days spent inside my room sulking and watching ceilings not knowing where to start over with my feelings. I tend to overthink most of the time — a trait I’m working on right now for me to be happy. I’ve learned that thinking of the future too much and possible worst case scenarios can ruin your happiness so I’ve decided to free myself from toxicities of my mind and live the “live NOW” mindset.


2. Take the craziest risks a mad person can think of as it can give you a life changing experience that you’ve never thought of. Planning a spontaneous trip alone to Manila and Masbate has been a highlight for all my travel solo escapades.  Know more about it here: https://chillerspot.wordpress.com/2017/03/25/never-have-i-ever/?preview=true

3. I realized alcohol surely never solve any problems but with great friends you’ll surely get a good hang of your sanity. Drink responsibly and learn from the wisdom of drunk people.

4. Gym selfies do not make me feel better but boxing and exercising does. When I hate how my day turns out it feels better to sweat it out.

5. I always dreamed of having a car I can call my own. I realized that if I don’t make my dream a reality nothing will actually happen so I took the risk and start being an adult with financial responsibility. This goes to my credit cards too. Whew. 

6. Never stop thanking God for the realization of our dreams and for all the challenges you faced because you are better after all of it. God answers prayers in the most craziest way and you should be thankful all the time. Have faith in him and you’ll be fine. 

7. Build a character that inspires people, build yourself to be indestructible. I realized that all these years and experiences paved way for me to become a better version of myself. I am glad of the person I turned out to be. I am secure of myself and I don’t care much about other people’s opinions towards me except of it is a constructive feedback meant for me to be better.

8. Spend your time with friends that are true and valuable. People who brings out the best in you and gives you hope to move forward each day. These are people that you can rely on during the times that you will fall and they’ll never leave you when life gets too rough and too tough. I’m missing some folks in the pictures but you know who you guys are. 

9. I realized that life is too short to drink crappy coffee. You deserve the best coffee if you want to be happy while alone and daydreaming. 

10. In this life, our faith in humanity will be tested. Our beliefs with soon change as circumstances unfold in time. Develop a critical mind and a heart that never falters in seeing only the best in other people. Be kind, always be kind to others regardless of age, gender and religion. 

11.  Stop spending too much time in your work station and indulge in your tasks. I realized that I need my own sanity break to be effective in what I do. I need to free my mind from all the deadlines, compliances, metrics and subordinates in order for me to calibrate my EQ and IQ. 

12. Do not forget to treat yourself for all the hard work and for surpassing each challenges victoriously. Always remind yourself that you are bigger than your problems. Eating is my favourite way of rewarding myself. Nom. Nom. Nom. 

13. I realized it’s not too late for me to try my luck especially on dreams that I’ve let go already. I wanted to be a lawyer back in college until I gave up on pursuing that dream but it’s not too late I guess to rethink my options. I took the Philippine Law school aptitude test and gladly I made it. I’m still surprised and still thinking if I’ll take up law school next school year or not. 

14.  I realized that life is all about timing and perfect moments. You don’t need to feel so disappointed if the things you wanted for yourself didn’t exactly happen when you wanted it so badly. Trust the process and never doubt God’s way of revealing his plan for your life. In God’s perfect time as they say. 

15. It is Okay to fail because not all things in life is being granted. It is how you survived after you fail that matters. I’ve got unrealised dreams which frustrated me but then it hit me one day that maybe where I am right now is exactly where I need to be in God’s plans. I should not doubt or even hate the world instead I should be positive. I’ll be patient and persistent… Always. 

16. I realized that it’s okay to spend your hours doing nothing at all and let time pass by without the pressure of doing anything. We tend to be so into something and make sure our hours are not wasted but it drains our soul. We need to pause for a while and savor the minutes of our precious life. 

17. I realized that you don’t need to force people in your life or try to be someone that people likes. Life is good if you accept who are and let those people who loves you love the real you even if you look like an alien. 

18. It’s Okay to open up with friends about how fucked up your life can be and how to deal with depression when you no longer know what to do except killing yourself. It is Okay to share your thoughts to people who listen and remind you of how great you are — these are the best people to keep. They give you the sanity you need during your darkest days. It’s Okay to be with people who understands you all the time when you’re not in your right state of mind. 

Love your boss, colleagues and your subordinates because you face the same stress everyday. 

19. Life is short. We are all passing through so make the most of our time here. Start living and loving your existence. Wake up from your doubts and fears.

20. I realized that dogs love you more than themselves. 

21. It’s best to spend time with your parents while they are with us. We tend to forget that as we grow older they too are getting older and weaker. My mom is no longer the symbol of strength and greatness but in her prime no one is as amazing as her. 

22. Spend more time travelling and creating memories whether alone or with friends. 

23. Be a kid once in a while and reminisce your childhood memories. It’s ok to loosen up and take a time out from adulting. 

24. Life’s full of magical moments. Always open your heart and mind. 

25. My pens make me soooooo happy all the time. I am growing my collection and I’m so in love with them. 

26. Querkling and poetry is my instant pick me upper when I’m starting to get too burnt out with life. 

27. It’s when you started to give up everything then all of a sudden life surprises you with the craziest twist. I remembered writing earlier this year about love and how I stopped believing that my stomach butterflies will be resurrected from its death. Today is a little different, a little hopeful and a little positive. Be open and be honest to what you feel all the freakin’time no matter how awkward it may sound. 

28. I realized that maybe it’s about time to let myself love again… a love that has been awakened by someone whom I didn’t expect but did all his best to make me happy. You are God’s gift to me because whenever I am with you I feel a little different. I feel more human capable of loving and caring. I can be myself without the fear of not being accepted nor judged.  I hope that this will grow into something better and probably last for a lifetime. I am excited for this new chapter of my life, all the new yet right feels. 

Today is something special for me and for all the people who spent their time just to greet me, THANK YOU!  Cheers to more awesome years and more realizations to come. Thanks for everyone who became part of my life. Thanks for sticking around! I am finally 28 and I’m still awesome! (HAHAHAHA)  😊

 
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Posted by on November 23, 2017 in personal

 

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Coffee Diary. 

Almost 2am and I can’t sleep. 

My mind is such a terrible place at this hour and has been calmed down by caffeine for the mean time. I spent my night tossing and turning on my bed forcing myself to sleep but it didn’t happen. Minutes of dozing off and my brain cells are then wired up for some analysis of life’s events. It’s a little bit terrifying when it starts to rehash memories and try to puzzle out stuff that I should not worry about. I just locked my demons back to where it belongs to and I can say I’m fine or at least I believe I am. I am pretty much aware that all the summer feels were gone and my life revolves from gloomy to stormy. I can see the sun once in a while but clouds kept on covering all the sunrays. 

I’m still trying to convince myself that I don’t need medical attention for my depression. I think I’m fine. I know I’m not but at least I’m not suicidal… well not yet. Every day is such a challenge especially if my mind starts to drift. I always daydream though to survive each day but I turned into a hopeless person from a person full of sunshine. 

I guess I need a break. 

I guess I will be fine. 

Keep going as they say… so that’s what I’ll do, go on. Be strong. Pray. Lean on God. 

I love God and I know everything will be fine if I put my trust in him. 😊

 
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Posted by on October 11, 2017 in personal

 

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