Category Archives: personal

Have I Gone Mad? 

I’ve written too much these past few years and my blog posts showcase my thoughts on a gloomy day. It’s a series of rants, unspoken words and poetry that reveals a not so typical piece of me. Words are my refuge in times when my heart is full of rage, despair, happiness and loneliness. What I’ve written all these years are my emotions waiting to be judge by the public who does not know the real me. I wear my heart on my sleeve perfectly in each piece of literary mayhem. It conveys emotions that are cryptic to some yet true friends know what I exactly mean. Well, people have their own opinions and I’ve lived past their scrutiny. 

I have known myself from all its recesses and how my emotions can fluctuate from time to time. I’m a reservoir waiting to be filled by memories and circumstances — sometimes shines, sometimes covered with darkness. 

I know how to tame my inner beast during the peak of my emotions as it eats my sanity away. I growl for respect and revenge is always sweeter if achieved. I am a monster when in rage and it’s hard to tame myself when justice ain’t sought. 

Looking myself in the mirror again, I’ve grown fast. The loneliness in my eyes were replaced by hope and the faith within have been stronger. I’ve overcome life’s worst and here I am standing still, brushing off the dusts from yesteryears battle. Another montage of past events on repeat, I’ve sorted it based on how I’ve successfully handled it. Not all emotions were retrieved but the memories were so clear. Where did the old me go? The one who sulks in one corner; the one who cried herself to sleep slowly losing hope in this world; the one who held the gun wanting to shoot herself; the one who travelled to find herself; the one who gave up on love just because she felt that she’s unworthy; the one who created her own euphoria by writing poetry; and the hopeless romantic. 

I touched myself trying to feel it’s realness. I am alive. I know people have judged me for what I’ve wrote, for what I’ve act and for the decisions I made. I don’t owe anyone an explanation. I always put my faith to test this humanity. My heart wanted to let people see how I’ve seen it. I wanted to negotiate and make both ends meet no matter how hard it is. I’ve wanted to explain to people who got hurt by my words and actions to let them understand. I wanted peace and happiness but I realized that not all people see life the way I see it. 

Yes, I am innocent sometimes. The patience I extend are oftentimes abused. The niceness I project is always being challenged by circumstances. Some people provoke my own demons and they summon my own beast, the beast I’m trying to kill for quite some time. This beast is egocentric and hates injustice. It wanted to give detractors a taste of their own medicine. It symbolizes strength, power and evilness of my soul. It humbly waits for its prey who trespasses the danger zone. It is hard to tame sometimes but has been tamed all the time. 

I have been better all these years — such an honor and uplifts thy soul. 

The anger in my heart have been constantly healed by love and appreciation. I pray to God for patience and wisdom to understand and respond to situations in a manner that I won’t regret. I need to be better, I remind myself all the time. You can’t buy class, you exhibit it. People like me may think of ways to seek revenge but I believe karma has its own way of dealing with our lives. If you know you did not do anything wrong, you can sleep well at night. Wish people well instead.

I pray for peace and trust. I pray for a life I deserve. I pray for patience and love. I pray for forgiveness to those who’ve talked behind me, judged me and for those who’ve said nasty words. I know there will be no peace in my heart if I keep on looking back to those days where I got hurt. To keep going is harder than before if I let my useless emotional baggages drag me. I’ve been assured and that’s what I’ve trying to hold on right now. Until that day comes along, I’ll keep going and I’ll choose to be better. 

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Posted by on January 10, 2018 in personal, Uncategorized


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2017 Is A Good Year After All. 

And so I stop being so excited for the new year. I watched the second hand as it moves swiftly, here goes another wasted second.

2017 I must say is a year of new beginnings and remarkable memories. I waved goodbye to my quarter life crisis drama and depression is just another battle I kept on winning. Too many sullen episodes last 2017 but I survived. I’m glad I did. I’m glad I was able to keep going despite the toxicities of my mind. I’m glad I am here today drafting my year end post.

Life has never been easy for idealists like me for they see things way differently and they ended up most of the time frustrated.

It was a year where I travelled alone or with friends. I went to places that is new to me. Places that are not even that  famous yet gave me a lifetime experience I’ll never forget. Those experiences made me better as a person and gave me the chance to appreciate  life’s simple pleasures.

I’ve let go and opened my heart to new possibilities. Another year ended and this time I knew I emerged as someone who became better as time passes by. I aged gracefully and now somewhat mature in dealing with life. It has been a wonderful journey despite the set backs, great falls and frustrations. I should not be afraid of what’s in store. I know life is not all about good things and that I should prepare myself to deal with the storms and losing some battles. I know there will another episodes of melancholia. There will be days that I want to just stay in my room an cry but there will also be days that you’ll be grateful that you’re alive. I am happy because I met people who kept me sane this 2017 and that made me feel that it’s okay to be vulnerable. It’s okay to be not perfect. It’s okay to be full of flaws because they’ve accepted me for who I am — depressed and crazy.

They’ve been the funniest travel buddies I’ve been and I’m definitely looking forward to our next adventures.

And to Paul who never ceased to believe in my potentials, thank you. Thanks for being my best friend and shoulder to lean on during the times when I hated the world. Who would have thought that our friendship turned into something else? Despite all the dramas, I’m thankful that you came and that you didn’t give up on me. Thanks for being there always. I love you so much and I cannot wait to make memories with you and the rest of our friends.

2017, I bid goodbye to all the pains I felt and will be forever thankful to the new achievements I’ve unlocked both financially and emotionally. Work has been fine — challenging and tolerable. I hope I’ll be able to spend more time to what matters most than engage myself with stress that affects my being. I may need more time to unwind.

To 2018, I don’t expect much from you but let God’s will be done in my life. I’ll hold on to my faith that no matter what’s in store for me this year, I’ll be forever grateful for a life that I should start loving and living. I still wish for good health to the people I love and may we still have more time to make beautiful memories. 😊

God bless us all. Cheers to another year and may we enjoy another 365 days ride to 2019. Welcome aboard to flight 2018.  ❤

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Posted by on January 2, 2018 in personal, Uncategorized


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Why I Pray.

Why I Pray.

I have never been a religious person nor I was born in a family who is a devotee of patron saints. I am raised inside a household of people who believes in God but never actually cared much of going to church on Sunday. They think it’s hypocrisy to go just for the sake of going and my mother cringes with the thought of sharing casual conversation with her Amigas who’ll just brag about their new stuff. Enough of the why-I-do-not-go-to-church rants.

I believe in God.

I believe that my life is governed by a Supreme Being whose love for me is indispensable. I exist because deep inside my tormented soul is a fainted light of hope. A light that was lit up by experiences that made sense through the years. These are events that made me who I am today and some are unexplainable which I usually call a blessing. I questioned God’s will several times given that success will not be always easy for me. 

I’ve got too much to be thankful for this year. A lot has changed even the way I see my life so far. It’s never perfect, full of dramas, depression demons and misfortunes but my faith stood still. I never ceased at believing on his divine presence and for unexplainable reasons he made me feel better each time I cried my way to sleep. I asked myself what did I do to deserve all these frustrations, a product of an intoxicated mind and broken heart. Time didn’t heal me, it was my faith that everything will pass that made me survived. 

In my heart I believe in the magic of Christmas. I believe that all the events in our lives are part of a grander plan that will shape us to be a better version of ourselves. I believe that our faith will determine how resilient we are in facing our battles. God will always bless us if we let go and accept what’s in store for us. It’s about doing good no matter what life throws at our lives. Keep going with a strong faith that everything will be better soon. Today I pray not for myself but for all the people of value in my life. I pray to keep them safe and that we’ll have more years together especially to my mother who I love the most. 

I pray for peace for those whose hearts are at war. I pray for courage. I pray for love to stay in our hearts and that we continue to be someone who’ll restore someone’s faith in humanity. I will continue to pray because it makes me feel better and secured at all times. Let go of the pain and accept his grace in our hearts.  Take a 60 seconds  pause tonight and thank God for blessing your life.

Merry Christmas! 😘

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Posted by on December 25, 2017 in personal


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28 Life Realizations 

28 Life Realizations 

Honestly I’m out of words in writing my thoughts today but I need to whack my brain cells because this is not supposed to be an ordinary day for me. 

And so I’ve turned 28 today and geez I am such an oldie. Anyways, another year has been added and to celebrate my life I will write about my realizations and I hope you don’t get bored along the way because this might be one of my longest blog post. 

Let’s get started…

1. Life never cease to surprise me and this year has been crazy. There were dark days spent inside my room sulking and watching ceilings not knowing where to start over with my feelings. I tend to overthink most of the time — a trait I’m working on right now for me to be happy. I’ve learned that thinking of the future too much and possible worst case scenarios can ruin your happiness so I’ve decided to free myself from toxicities of my mind and live the “live NOW” mindset.

2. Take the craziest risks a mad person can think of as it can give you a life changing experience that you’ve never thought of. Planning a spontaneous trip alone to Manila and Masbate has been a highlight for all my travel solo escapades.  Know more about it here:

3. I realized alcohol surely never solve any problems but with great friends you’ll surely get a good hang of your sanity. Drink responsibly and learn from the wisdom of drunk people.

4. Gym selfies do not make me feel better but boxing and exercising does. When I hate how my day turns out it feels better to sweat it out.

5. I always dreamed of having a car I can call my own. I realized that if I don’t make my dream a reality nothing will actually happen so I took the risk and start being an adult with financial responsibility. This goes to my credit cards too. Whew. 

6. Never stop thanking God for the realization of our dreams and for all the challenges you faced because you are better after all of it. God answers prayers in the most craziest way and you should be thankful all the time. Have faith in him and you’ll be fine. 

7. Build a character that inspires people, build yourself to be indestructible. I realized that all these years and experiences paved way for me to become a better version of myself. I am glad of the person I turned out to be. I am secure of myself and I don’t care much about other people’s opinions towards me except of it is a constructive feedback meant for me to be better.

8. Spend your time with friends that are true and valuable. People who brings out the best in you and gives you hope to move forward each day. These are people that you can rely on during the times that you will fall and they’ll never leave you when life gets too rough and too tough. I’m missing some folks in the pictures but you know who you guys are. 

9. I realized that life is too short to drink crappy coffee. You deserve the best coffee if you want to be happy while alone and daydreaming. 

10. In this life, our faith in humanity will be tested. Our beliefs with soon change as circumstances unfold in time. Develop a critical mind and a heart that never falters in seeing only the best in other people. Be kind, always be kind to others regardless of age, gender and religion. 

11.  Stop spending too much time in your work station and indulge in your tasks. I realized that I need my own sanity break to be effective in what I do. I need to free my mind from all the deadlines, compliances, metrics and subordinates in order for me to calibrate my EQ and IQ. 

12. Do not forget to treat yourself for all the hard work and for surpassing each challenges victoriously. Always remind yourself that you are bigger than your problems. Eating is my favourite way of rewarding myself. Nom. Nom. Nom. 

13. I realized it’s not too late for me to try my luck especially on dreams that I’ve let go already. I wanted to be a lawyer back in college until I gave up on pursuing that dream but it’s not too late I guess to rethink my options. I took the Philippine Law school aptitude test and gladly I made it. I’m still surprised and still thinking if I’ll take up law school next school year or not. 

14.  I realized that life is all about timing and perfect moments. You don’t need to feel so disappointed if the things you wanted for yourself didn’t exactly happen when you wanted it so badly. Trust the process and never doubt God’s way of revealing his plan for your life. In God’s perfect time as they say. 

15. It is Okay to fail because not all things in life is being granted. It is how you survived after you fail that matters. I’ve got unrealised dreams which frustrated me but then it hit me one day that maybe where I am right now is exactly where I need to be in God’s plans. I should not doubt or even hate the world instead I should be positive. I’ll be patient and persistent… Always. 

16. I realized that it’s okay to spend your hours doing nothing at all and let time pass by without the pressure of doing anything. We tend to be so into something and make sure our hours are not wasted but it drains our soul. We need to pause for a while and savor the minutes of our precious life. 

17. I realized that you don’t need to force people in your life or try to be someone that people likes. Life is good if you accept who are and let those people who loves you love the real you even if you look like an alien. 

18. It’s Okay to open up with friends about how fucked up your life can be and how to deal with depression when you no longer know what to do except killing yourself. It is Okay to share your thoughts to people who listen and remind you of how great you are — these are the best people to keep. They give you the sanity you need during your darkest days. It’s Okay to be with people who understands you all the time when you’re not in your right state of mind. 

Love your boss, colleagues and your subordinates because you face the same stress everyday. 

19. Life is short. We are all passing through so make the most of our time here. Start living and loving your existence. Wake up from your doubts and fears.

20. I realized that dogs love you more than themselves. 

21. It’s best to spend time with your parents while they are with us. We tend to forget that as we grow older they too are getting older and weaker. My mom is no longer the symbol of strength and greatness but in her prime no one is as amazing as her. 

22. Spend more time travelling and creating memories whether alone or with friends. 

23. Be a kid once in a while and reminisce your childhood memories. It’s ok to loosen up and take a time out from adulting. 

24. Life’s full of magical moments. Always open your heart and mind. 

25. My pens make me soooooo happy all the time. I am growing my collection and I’m so in love with them. 

26. Querkling and poetry is my instant pick me upper when I’m starting to get too burnt out with life. 

27. It’s when you started to give up everything then all of a sudden life surprises you with the craziest twist. I remembered writing earlier this year about love and how I stopped believing that my stomach butterflies will be resurrected from its death. Today is a little different, a little hopeful and a little positive. Be open and be honest to what you feel all the freakin’time no matter how awkward it may sound. 

28. I realized that maybe it’s about time to let myself love again… a love that has been awakened by someone whom I didn’t expect but did all his best to make me happy. You are God’s gift to me because whenever I am with you I feel a little different. I feel more human capable of loving and caring. I can be myself without the fear of not being accepted nor judged.  I hope that this will grow into something better and probably last for a lifetime. I am excited for this new chapter of my life, all the new yet right feels. 

Today is something special for me and for all the people who spent their time just to greet me, THANK YOU!  Cheers to more awesome years and more realizations to come. Thanks for everyone who became part of my life. Thanks for sticking around! I am finally 28 and I’m still awesome! (HAHAHAHA)  😊

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Posted by on November 23, 2017 in personal


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Coffee Diary. 

Almost 2am and I can’t sleep. 

My mind is such a terrible place at this hour and has been calmed down by caffeine for the mean time. I spent my night tossing and turning on my bed forcing myself to sleep but it didn’t happen. Minutes of dozing off and my brain cells are then wired up for some analysis of life’s events. It’s a little bit terrifying when it starts to rehash memories and try to puzzle out stuff that I should not worry about. I just locked my demons back to where it belongs to and I can say I’m fine or at least I believe I am. I am pretty much aware that all the summer feels were gone and my life revolves from gloomy to stormy. I can see the sun once in a while but clouds kept on covering all the sunrays. 

I’m still trying to convince myself that I don’t need medical attention for my depression. I think I’m fine. I know I’m not but at least I’m not suicidal… well not yet. Every day is such a challenge especially if my mind starts to drift. I always daydream though to survive each day but I turned into a hopeless person from a person full of sunshine. 

I guess I need a break. 

I guess I will be fine. 

Keep going as they say… so that’s what I’ll do, go on. Be strong. Pray. Lean on God. 

I love God and I know everything will be fine if I put my trust in him. 😊

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Posted by on October 11, 2017 in personal


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Empty Soul. 

Today, I feel lethargic.

It’s the usual feeling I have almost every day so I know I shouldn’t make a big deal out of it but despite being sluggish, I am also in the mood to write. 

I want to write what I feel and hopefully I’ll get over it. As I looked at the second hand in my watch and as it bids one second after another, I know I’m losing time. Some people seems to live while I keep on dying every day. I am becoming tired of living and my hope is slowly fading. There’s this boy who reminds me of another pain bound to happen and the past is just another good thing I survived kind of thing. I should be appreciative the least of it instead I formed clouds of hate. 

Always a good time with someone and it can be addicting. It’s rare to find someone who totally get you, all your weirdness and craziness yet accepted you. It’s rare to find someone whom you can share minutes of silence without feeling that awkwardness. It’s like finding your soul mate but you’re just not meant to be together. I have this alpha personality where I think I’m way better than his girl but I know he’ll never choose me. If he wanted to, then he should’ve choosen me before. I get that. I believed in that fact.

Aside from the fact that nobody wanted to be with me, I have been trying my best to find my own happiness. Every day I can find something to smile about but the emptiness haunts me. Sharing my time, being with him, with friends and working gave me happiness, a temporary happiness that made me survived each day. Deep inside I long for that day when today makes sense and I hope I’ll make it. I hope that the next wave of depression would be easy but everytime it hits me, I am getting weaker and weaker. My hope slowly dying together with my soul. I no longer see the value of existing when nobody wants me to call their own. 

I lift my burdens to God and I know he sees my pain. I hate being just an option when I deserve to be the choice. I hate living this kind of life when all these years I invested in good karma. I hate being stuck in the dark and the light he gives me each day would just bring me pain. If I let myself fall into the abyss I know I’ll be dead. If he loves me, he will choose me. I know he is just there to act like a saviour because who wouldn’t feel better to save a broken soul? To love and not be love is life’s greatest tragedy and I don’t know how to start over if I’ll let myself fall into the trap. My resistance in niceness and consistency have leveled up already. I know I can still walk away from him and leave even if I’ll be shattered. I’ll be hurt, be in pain perhaps but the pain won’t destroy me… not yet. 

I envy the girl who has his heart. I don’t know my role in his life and I don’t want to know at all. I already programmed my mind that I’m just a friend he enjoyed talking to and I should stop myself from falling. For once I need to be better. I cannot be gullible and end up being hurt. I don’t deserve to be just a third party. I deserve to be the girl who owns someone’s heart. Take me as I am with all my good and bad side. Don’t look at me like I’m better than you or that you’re better than me. Love should not be complicated.


I wish to find someone exactly like you who’ll choose me for the rest of my life. I hope God grants my wishes soon because I have no idea how long I can actually hold on. Life’s loses its meaning as time ticks away each day. 

Inspire me or just kill me. 

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Posted by on October 6, 2017 in personal


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Random Thoughts Brewing


My mind right now is a crazy montage. All of my yesteryears keep flashing and my failures highlighted. I came into a different avenue of thoughts that made me feel so lost about what I really wanted to do with my life. I know I ain’t getting younger each day and if this is just another pre-birthday blues, I totally fear the upcoming days. 

Life’s a series of mishaps and luck we didn’t imagine. It’s how you react to certain circumstances that define your being. Sometimes because of pride, I tend to be stubborn. I don’t listen much and decide on my own. I usually trust my own judgement and gut feel. I also consider myself an asshole sometimes to people I don’t like. I am such a difficult person to deal with. 

There are days when I question my decisions if it’s indeed for the greater good. When it back fires, I need to be accountable to it. I don’t apologize if it’s not my fault but I normally take the hit. I don’t know how I feel today except that my heart is broken and my soul is tormented. Always been. Always will. 

I wonder how long will I hold on to life if life is no longer taking chances to make me appreciate each day. Not everything and everyone I value I can even call my own. I am living in a borrowed moment, a borrowed life which can be taken anytime. My regret is not to fully live and exhaust my potentials. It’s all about choices they say and I am in chaos today afraid of making a wrong move.

They say failures aren’t failures but lessons learned that will make sense someday. Life teaches us the hard way most of the time and it’s up to you on how to creatively cope. My heart has been my weakness and will always be. It has been a struggle for me to be heartless despite numerous attempts which put myself in a very vulnerable state. I built walls yet I let people in to  destroy the bricks. I don’t know why I am such a sucker for time and attention. I don’t know what to do with my self in times of chaos instead to roll into the corner, weep until the pain subsides. 

I have been depressed and I hate dragging people into my miseries and hearing their empathy statements make me wanna puke. It’s an illness I want to escape, I fake my own happiness and hide behind smiles and wit. I wanted to be strong despite this crippling feeling of emptiness. I feel inadequate. I feel that nothing makes sense and that nobody will actually love someone like me. I easily get attached to people who takes time in knowing me but it’s also a cycle, no one is strong enough to take me in one’s world. I am alone in my journey and nothing is sadder knowing you are not enough or more than enough to be loved. 

It sounds stupid most of the time to some knowing my problem is about love and life. They say all those compliments that kills me slowly. They say to wait for time may not be my best friend. They all say things that make me feel bad because if it’s true then it should have happen long ago just like how others find love and happiness. They found meaning in such a dreaded life while I survive each day hoping it’ll be my last if all these feels persist. 

I pray so hard that this will be over. Wave after wave of sadness is actually  haunting me and the pain I feel keeps on refreshing each time a moment happens. I feel bad on feeling this way because I should be happy and blessed but I’m not. I don’t feel such bliss. I just feel so tired to deal with life all the time. I hope I get to overcome this feeling.

Good night. 

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Posted by on September 28, 2017 in personal


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