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Monthly Archives: June 2017

She Wolf.

My heart is full and I would want to write my thoughts but I got a problem though, it’s hard to express it all in plain sentences so I opted to use metaphors in describing what I feel. I just need to write it before I burst into pieces, devour my thoughts for it feed me too long enough to take my sanity away.

I would want to take this opportunity to raise a toast to the broken ones who no longer had hope in love. I’m too broken to believe anymore.

The night is too young as of the moment but I’m daydreaming my own darkness whilst I’m all alone in a beach watching the full moon as it casts its light to everything that surrounds me. I can feel the eerieness but I am born alpha, no fear of the unknown. 

The chill runs down my spine and I wanted the darkness to eat me… slowly, until nothing is left. I want to escape the pangs of being alone in a beautiful night only to realized that I’m immune to the feeling. 

A broken wolf no longer believes that the morning will come. She looks at the moon and cry, cry until no sound can be heard from her. All those cries can be heard from a nearby town and sending goosebumps to everyone. You can feel its pain, a dying hope totally drowned by miseries. She howls to the Moon who’s million miles away from her, the moon who gave her light is also the moon that takes away his hope in certain days. The moon that is shy on certain days and would just leave a smirk in the sky. The moon she longs for is the moon that shines bright to other creatures of the night.

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I opened my eyes only to see sheer beauty. The darkness invaded me and I am comforted by the shadows of trees behind me. I continue to watch the moon from the horizon assuring me that I’ll be fine. 

I guess I will be fine. I will be fine without you. Without anyone. Don’t give me the light when you don’t plan to stay. Don’t disturb me for I will not be moved. 

I am a broken piece of the past and no one can restore me. I ripped my soul and my heart for my words. My words are my pride and my soul died too many times to believe that there’s hope in love. 

Au revoir. 🐺

 
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Posted by on June 20, 2017 in personal

 

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Rants and Bottled Feelings.

My life seems to be so rudimentary that I usually know how to end and start it. It’s always a series of fortunate and unfortunate events and tests of faith that started way back when my innocence in life got stained by realities. I live a so-so life with pretty much nothing exciting to talk about except of course my rants about life, my work, love gone to heaven so as the fragments of my hope in humanity. Media made me hate those extremists whose causes I don’t actually get. Taxes that suck my hope in our government. Multiple work mails I need to reply. My chaotic mind with a lot of dreams yet still I’m stuck in my own comfort zone who pretty much sucks up my remaining hope in myself. Of course, I get paid but yeah — I still live beyond limits without using my full potential. 

It’s another day of rants so please forgive me.

My mind is such a terrible place to be in. Everyday I get to experience various weather like feels. Sometimes it’s sunny where I tend to have positive thoughts or days when my lurkers start to suck up all the positive ions and left me with undesirable thoughts that can be intoxicating sometimes. Today, I just feel like eating my favorite pie somewhere and talk about nonsense.

As I grow older, people come and people just go. Sometimes we all wish old friends will make time when you’re in dire need of someone but geez I’m not the Hannah Baker type who lashes out in mixtapes how my friends disappointed me big time. It’s just how it is. You just got to live life and be appreciative of people who remembers you and understand those who can’t make time. 


As I tried to be normal at home, I suddenly miss how rowdy it used to be. I missed watching news with my uncle and talk about it during dinner. Pepper is usually hyperactive so we both need to tone her down. Our cat who would just sit in our laps and my mom asking what the news is all about is the typical 6pm scene. Those sepia images of our life before daunted me while I’m drinking beer on a work day and instead of feeling sentimental, I felt surreal. 

I wonder what this home will be like couple of years from now. Will I be alone watching TV with popcorn, chips and beer because I rather be drunk than feel the misery? Will I be with my mom still and live like today? Will I be somewhere else wondering what have happened to our used to be home? The thoughts are too much to bear. I can’t live alone but I can’t leave… Either way it both sucks but I might need to plan everything out before it’s too late.

Work will still be something I need to do to live my wants. I am tired living the employee life and studying much on how to be a better entrepreneur. I need my mind to work and I need growth. I need a life away from the four corners of this corporate world.

I feel so dysfunctional. It’s not the usual routine 12 months ago but what I’m doing each day starts to feel so familiar. I don’t know how my heart functions today especially to the things it used to do or even feel. I started not to care about the world, not to hope, not to assume and not to feel. I’ve totally succumbed into the DGAF mindset. Everything seems to be driven by logic and reasons which pretty much bores me. I’m losing the substance of my own thoughts when I try to write about what I deeply feel — the unwritten chapters now bothering and it’s hard to express what my soul resonates. My mind dies as my heart passionately writes nothing. It’s the killer silence, the panacea of my being.

Until that day comes… 

End. 

 
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Posted by on June 7, 2017 in personal

 

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