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Things I Learned From My Mom

Things I Learned From My Mom

Of all the millions of people in the world, we are given two people who brought us to be who we are as of the very moment — our parents. Most of us if given a chance would want to live a different life. If I can change the story of my life I would want my dad to live longer and with both parents a little younger because how happy life could be to travel with the two most valuable people of my life. If only I can live my life again, I’ll do anything to make that dream a reality.

I haven’t write that much about my mom for quite some time. I don’t want to be so melodramatic but it’s time for you guys to know this and probably learn a thing or two. Mother’s day is so overrated and saying I love you seems to be so awkward but I guess it’s just the way it is in our household. I know we love each other but we’re not so vocal about it. Same goes in every person I deal with that are special to me.

I want to share to everyone what I learned from my mother after all these years in various aspects of my life because I know you’ll be inspired and probably think about what you learned from your mom too. Please do share it for the world to see. Comment your link so I can see it too. 🙂

On Choices.

My mom would always tell me to enjoy my life no matter what. She never meddles in my decisions especially during college on what course I will take. She never convinced me to take up nursing even if half of my classmates choose to be nurses and even if her friends would tell her that it would be better if I will be a nurse someday. I once heard my mom talking to her friends that she will just let me choose whatever I want because she does not want to be blamed if I fail. I am so happy that she trusts me and never ceases to be proud of who I am regardless of what decisions I’ve made. Every achievements, every medals and awards I have is all for her. 

On Traveling.

My parents love long drives and going to beaches. They are always out of town during summer and always make time to unwind as a couple to various places. My mom used to tell me to travel while I’m single because once I get married priorities will change. I should also travel with my husband to know more about him and to rekindle the love especially if both of you are too preoccupied with your work. Today, I travel a lot to places whether I am alone or with friends. Every adventure has a beautiful memory to remember and that’s what my mom taught me, to create memories while I can through various adventures. We need to travel to experience life and share to others how beautiful this world we are living in.

On Love.

Mom had my dad when she’s already 37. She accepted the fact that she’ll be a spinster and already prepared for that kind of life until she met an old guy, a retired lieutenant colonel who works in Clark Airbase as a flight instructor. She never liked my dad even after they dated for quite some time but this guy is so persistent. He drives his Mustang and blows his horn each day in front of my mom’s boutique just to say hi until they had the chance to talk. Several dates after and my mom fell in love ( I assume) especially after my dad’s mom wrote her a letter stating that she’ll take care of my dad because she is his world now. It was a May-December love affair and that my dad is a separated guy in the US with one son. It was too much to take but she did. My mom will always tell me not to rush in finding the love of my life. Find someone who loves you more than you love him. 

On Enemies.

I can say my mom is pretty much a war freak because when she hears someone talking behind her back she tends to confront that person and worst hurt that person. She used to tell me stories about how she kicked someone ass, bruised someone’s eye and bled someone’s nose. It’s so physical that I cannot imagine be in that situation. Thanks to my dad’s control and patience I am not like my mother. My mom would tell me that nobody is allowed to make one less so I should always stand up on what is right and never let anyone put me down even if takes a God-damned fight. I should always defend myself especially if they are spreading rumors and false accusations. If it’s your fault apologize and if it’s not, don’t let any bastards put your self-esteem down.

On Challenges.

Life will always surprise as with many challenges that can actually make or break us. My mom had a fair share of God’s test that made her the strongest person I know. She was not able to finish college because my grandfather casted her out of their home because she doesn’t like her stepmom. She went to Manila and live with her older sister and survived on her own. My mom is street-smart and knows how to manage her time and money. She persevered despite the numerous test of faith she needs to surpass but it made her better. She is so strong because I cannot even think how I can survive if I was in her shoes. After my dad died, my mom took all the responsibilities and gave me the life I  wanted. She sacrificed a lot for me even her most  precious jewelries just for  me to finish college and buy me computer. She let go  of things she love just for someone whom she values most. I  will forever be indebted to her and I will be forever grateful that I got an awesome mom. She will always tell me to be strong no matter what because I can no longer depend on anyone except myself. 

 On Faith.

God always make us face ordeals that are too much to bear but we always survive as what Kelly Clarkson says “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. My mom never questioned God and her faith in him is never stained. We are deists, we don’t go to church every Sunday nor follow traditions but our faith in our Supreme Being will always be there. Our faith in God’s will keep us alive. My mom would always tell me to pray and believe that God will always provide the answers and what we pray for in time. Trust God all the time no matter what.

On Being Me.

My mom is well respected not because of any degrees or whatever but because she exhibit that confidence in her whenever she walks around. Her aura tells people around that she demands to be respected. I don’t know if it’s just the way I see her when I was a child but my mom is not just beautiful but also formal. I never see her laughing boisterously. She exhibits elegance when in a huge crowd and I’m deeply insecure of how she can manage to be so prim and proper while I’m… not like her. She’s a woman who’s conservative and flirting with boys is not necessary just to grab attention. A man, if she likes you will climb mountains just to have you. I am wondering where on Earth does she exhibit that kind of mindset but in all honesty she attracts the right kind of people. I guess my way of thinking about love, lust and sex is influenced by her. I should be in control of my body and just give it to someone who deserves it, someone I truly love. It’s not something we just do just because libido dictates it — it’s an act of love. We need to leave something for ourselves all the time. Our dignity and pride should always be there because people will no longer respect you if you keep on giving them what they want and if you let your guards down just to be happy. My mom always remind me that I need to choose what is right than what makes me happy. Happiness should be pure and not selfish. Happiness is when you chased it without hurting anyone just to fulfill your heart’s desire. My mom always remind me that I’ll be better off alone than be a mistress or a third party in someone’s relationship. I should not be just thinking on how to benefit myself alone, Instead I should be good by choosing what is right all the time because it’s the only thing that would make me sleep peacefully at night.

On Sexuality.

My mom during her teenage days is a tomboy. She hates dresses and always hang out with the boys. She is sporty and adventurous. Plays softball, lawn tennis, table tennis, badminton, squash and golf during her younger days and well versed in handling all kinds of guns. She knows a lot about cars and drink with friends. My mom is a guy’s best pal and her brothers’ favorite sister because she totally understands their whims. I am just like my mom right now except for the sports part because I am geeky compared to her. I prefer to write, read and scribble stuff. Despite my guy like mindset and gestures we are both sure that we are girls. I wanted a man not a woman as a partner and just the thought of  having same sex relationship makes me gag but of course society would tell us that women should wear dresses, prim and proper and all those BS we saw in print ads and TV. Whatever. My mom told me to be who I am regardless what society dictates you to be as long as you are not doing anything to harm others. Be yourself and be secure on what you feel regardless what other people think of you.

 On Finances.

My mom is not a wise spender though but she learned a lot from my father when it comes to managing finances. She buys what she wants and always prefer quality above anything else. Even if it’s expensive she’ll buy it for quality sake. She is not convinced that cheap products can last long. She always choose what is best. She is also preparing long term and would want everything to be secured when the time comes. Our life didn’t turn out to be what she expected but I never saw her panicking when things became rough and lost her investments. She still remained calm and made ways to provide my needs. The quality of the products she bought years ago actually made us survive​ during our dark days because we were able to sell it. We lost our cars and jeepneys, almost all of her jewelries and even our home. It’s now my time to take charge and give back. I swear I’ll do anything to fix our life. My mom deserves to live the life she used to live before.

 On Being a Mom.

I am not yet a mother but my mom taught me already to give everything I can to my child. She did it to me and I’m proud of who I became right now. It’s so difficult to have me as a daughter because I rarely talk about my life until I could not take it anymore. It’s purely rants and my negativities can sometimes drain people especially my mom. I don’t rant much about life with my friends but with my mom I do. I realized how draining it can be to listen to someone you consider your life talking about how she hated her life, the life you build for her. I felt so bad today knowing that thought and I hope I can still make up for all the pains I caused her. I know she’s proud of me but I still haven’t told her that I’m still willing to go same ordeal as long as she’s my mom. 

I haven’t told her how much I love her but one thing is for sure, no matter how I wanted to end my life and escape everything… there will always be that one person that makes me want to live and that is you Mama. I will never ever forgive myself if I will just leave you here all alone to face this lifetime. I cannot imagine my life without you and it scares me the most though. Please don’t leave me yet until I find a stronger reason to hold on because if I lose you right now, I’ll pretty much prefer to end it all. Life will be pointless without you in it. You’re all that I have right now. I love you. 

 
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Posted by on May 16, 2017 in inspirational, life

 

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Midshift and The Rain is Falling.

There are those moments in our lives that stimulates our artistic side, the side that we choose to hide from people that may judge you and the side that we usually hate because it makes you feel vulnerable. Admit it, you have that side.

Tonight, I feel that urge to write my thoughts. I rarely feel it when I’m being swamped with work. Valentines is over and done — thank God. I’m always that girl, the girl who is just so awkward during first meet up.

(First sip of coffee )…

I can taste the caffeine in my lips. Bitter just like my old self. Years have gone by and I’ve outgrown my bitterness on love. Despite the strong aura I emit, the inner desire to find someone who can tame my craziness is something I regularly fight. I keep on telling myself that reality bites and there is no such thing as prince in shining armor that will come to kiss me and save me from the evil world. I only got myself — no more, no less.

( Second sip.. )

Life’s too short to feel bad if things won’t go my way.  It never goes my way most of the time so I better get used to it. Recently, I felt so bad because I keep on doing the right thing only to end up not being recognize. I tried to understand everything and I did. It’s not that I want to be recognized for my hard work but I guess I deserve an acceptable reason why it turned out not the way I have expected it to be. It’s just the way it is, life’s not fair for the nth time Carol so better deal with it.

( Third sip…)

Travel.

I’m daydreaming too much lately planning out my next trips each month to new places.  I did not make any new year’s resolutions this year so better decide to do something spontaneous and start my own travel blog. This blog is a mixture of my different sides. It’s kinda messed up but it depicts me. I’ll start to post more of my adventures and I might start on my most recent trip in the City of Love — Iloilo.  I am a believer that the Philippines is such a beautiful country and my mission in life is to unravel and share its beauty.

( Fourth moment with my cup requires me to take a gulp of its bitterness )

Dreams.

When will I learn to break free from my monotonous life?  It has been like this since I graduated college. I am inlove with a lot of things but I’m still lost on what I really wanted to do that it scares the shit out of me. I’m afraid that I may lose the time I need to fulfill my plans or maybe I’m missing a lot about life.

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  All I wanted is to be happy and fulfilled on my deathbed someday. Oh, God my merciful savior I don’t want to die sad. I still want to have a family I can call my own and this dream is actually related to the next thought that I’ll be sharing.  It requires me a surmountable amount of caffeine…  here we go.

(Fifth – sixth sip is the calm before the storm…  the caffeine is slowly kicking my brain. )

Marriage.

Err… I feel awkward but my dream job is actually to be a wedding planner. My close friend is about to get married and he sought my advice. I got nothing serious to say though I mean I cannot even find true love so why share some of my thoughts about marriage without me feeling a little miserable about the thought that I might be alone forever. I’m happy for my friend because at 31 he finally decided to settle down.

(Music is on full blast and my mind is being shaken by caffeine… on to my seventh sip from the cup)

Friends.

My best friend will be leaving the country on the 22nd. I am happy for him because it has been his dream to work in London. He sacrificed a lot and did everything that his family wanted him to do. He lives on his family’s rules and not able to decide on his own. Growing up was so tough that he is full of insecurities despite the strong demeanor that he exudes. It’s a bittersweet feeling tho on my end for I’ll lose my coffee buddy. We talked a lot about our lives, love and career all the time. I guess my weekends and afternoons will never be the same again. I know I’ll be able to manage my life on my own especially when I need a friend whom I can share anything without the fear of being judge and being blunt without the fear of being misunderstood.  Oh well.

( After gazillion sips on my cup… )

Love.

Hey you future partner. I’m waiting for you still.  Whoever you are, wherever you may be I’m still here.  I’m no longer broken but the fixed parts felt so empty.  I can still feel the scars but the memories are no longer painful. I endured a lot for the past years but instead of falling into the pitfall of despair I rose above it all feeling confident that with God, everything will be alright.  I know he hears what my heart desires but everything will unfold at the right time. I’m starting to  be too impatient but I continue to remind myself that good things come to those who wait. I cannot help but ask myself if I’m good enough.  Is it me?  Am I too difficult to love?  Am I not worthy to be love?  Arrrghhhhh…  I’ve woke up into my own realities and it felt so awful knowing you’re not worth the words. I’m not worth the words after years of great friendship. I guess it’s just the way it is…  sucks. 

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Anyways, future partner may you finally find your way to me and that I wish I’m not an ass not to notice you. I guess we’ll both know if the time indeed finally come. I cannot wait for that moment when the independent woman finds his man and finally say these words… “From this moment MY life ends and OURS begin… I love you.

Now…  lunch break is over. Hello reality.

 
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Posted by on February 17, 2016 in journal, life, Uncategorized

 

Happy September 1st!

So I got to sort some of my issues and I am starting it right this September.

I should be happy since finally we are able to talk but I don’t get it still. I mean if someone who values friendship, why did it take him so long to reach out and fight for it? Oh yeah, it was me who tried to put closure on an issue that is not supposed to be an issue. If it was not because of me our friendship would really gone haywire without any apparent reason at all. It’s because I got a jerk friend who does not know how to deal with it. I’m still frustrated but I guess this is enough for me to realize a lot of things. I am still mad and I am trying not to be mad because he thinks it’s fix and I don’t want to be the villain in our beautiful friendship. I guess giving it another shot would be a better idea than cussing him from a far.

I should be happy because it’s fix! I mean, we are back to talking terms and that should really be great, right? C’mon! I am telling myself that this is another diary kind of moment but I refused to write about it. I refused to acknowledge the fact that we are already okay. I don’t know if he’ll be a jerk again one day telling me shits and then won’t talk to me all of a sudden. Trust — geez, you had me once but this time it’ll be different. I don’t know how to start over. I don’t know how we can rekindle those days again when I am already stained and I l know I am making a big deal out of it –really. I need to forget about what have happened. I want to forget but the problem is, I never forget things.

I guess I have changed. I mean it’s been liberating to finally speak my mind and just plainly be honest. I have been good for the past years and I tried to avoid conflict as much as possible but as we age we realized that life becomes too complicated if we sugarcoat things. Everyone deserves the truth… no more no less. It’s about being honest to ourselves and being mature enough to deal with things. I am shrugging off all the butterflies in my stomach, shrugging off my fairy tale endings, shrugging off my hopes, shrugging off my prayers, shrugging off my feelings until I see him as a man not a boy. I really want him to be a man, to be strong, to be full of conviction and to finally chase his dreams. Why is it so difficult? Why can’t he be a man? The frustration continues.

A friend told me, “what if instead of praying that he’ll be a man just help him in finding himself and in sorting his own issues in life? You are his friend in the first place. Just be there because he might need someone like you, flawed and lost just like him to survive his own demons.” — Lord… I got shallow problems I know but please lead me to the right path. 

Quoting some beautiful lines from one fellow blogger via : http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/06/a-soul-mate-is-a-mirror-we-accept-the-love-we-believe-we-deserve/

“Soul mates are mirrors to our souls. Whatever we attract is what we are putting out. When we look at the relationships we have chosen they are reflections of how we felt on the inside. Although their personalities may be very different to ours their words and actions play out and speak our deepest insecurities and fears. We allow them a place in our lives and for a time, we even believe their words.

“We accept the love we think we deserve.” ~ Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Until we wake up and recognise the truths about our selves. That we are all deserving of love. We are all a mixture of beautiful and broken. We are all an alchemical blend of darkness and light.

 

We do not need someone else to stand in front of us and tell us this. We do not need to play small in the world. We do not need to cower or dim our light or to be afraid to rise and demand our worth.

When we attract a soul mate that reflects our dark side, it is because there are things we still need to discover and accept about ourselves. They will show us where our weaknesses are, show us our faults, fears, insecurities, demons, imperfections and the relationship can be deeply painful and destructive. The light will constantly focus on areas that we need to work on and mostly the parts of us that need to heal.”

I actually do not know what step to take but I guess I’ll let it be… thy will be done.

Work makes me lose my mind.

My life is still revolving on shades of gray.

I have this feeling that I am about to have some of my prayers answered.

I want to start my BER months in a more positive note. Let’s do this!!!!

Note to self:

 
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Posted by on September 1, 2015 in 25, journal, life

 

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Enigma.

I’ve been unproductive lately.I choose to be unproductive by the way.  I think I needed some 4-day break for me to detach and sort my emotions out so that I can decide if I will be moving to a different place, probably try a new career or bum out and wait for some sort of a fairy Godmother who will lift all the curses my life have for the past few months. Nah, I’m crazy.

Seriously, I’ve been lounging at home while the rain pours down heavily on our rooftop. I can hear it while I am typing all the letters in this electronic blank space. My head is clouded with thoughts and until now ‘Day 3’ of my leave, I am still undecided on what will my next step in life would be. Maybe I will be committing grammar blunders here again because I am typing so fast as of the moment. I remembered my thoughts before I go to sleep last night. I got some issues to sort out like my pride and attitude. I have been difficult for the past few weeks. Difficult in the sense that I really make people that I don’t want to talk to feel that I don’t want to talk to them at all. My supervisor is actually one of them and yeah, I know I a bit of a challenge. I had coffee with my close friends during break time and I heard what I just said. Sometimes I am going way overboard with my mouth since it is not actually cooperating with my angelic side but I guess honesty is just too liberating. Apart from being an asshole this past few weeks, I am still delivering what is expected from me and my team.

I have been mysterious in some sort of kinda way. Maybe people think I am nice or whatever. Well, I am not. I know I am not nice. I am nice to people that are nice to me. I talk to people that I want to talk to. I respect people. I don’t judge easily. I like those that can compliment my brain but I know that I am not the nicest of all people. I am just being me. If some people ignore me, I ignore them too. Life is easy if you do what others do unto you. I am full of disgust to egocentric people and those that are just plainly trying too hard to be on top. I control my anger because I am nasty when I am in rage, good if I will just walk away and not be too hysterical of the situation.

I have been thinking deeply for the past few days if where I am is still healthy. I have dramas at home, dramas in my own life, dramas with friends and all kinds of dramas to deal with. I wanted an escape from my own comfort zone. I wanted a change of everything but it seems that there are things holding me back. Starting new can be exciting and terrifying but I realized escaping my reality will do more harm than good. I remembered crying myself to sleep last night, blame it to Spotify’s #Hugot playlist that’s full of bullshit songs I choose to listen to. I hate memories, it kills me. Just when I thought I am fine, a sudden gush of emotions filled with beautiful memories came to me. Wow, just wow.

I know I miss him so much. I realized that he’s the one I can share everything without hesitation. He can make me laugh when I am  really really mad and he can ease any tension that I feel. Now that he’s  gone,  life still goes on but with a little difficulty. It’s hard not to have that go to buddy when you are stress. I know I wanted this, I prayed for this moment that he’ll just stay away if he’ll just hurt me in the end but I guessed he still hurt me in ways I can never imagine. I still have questions in my mind, questions I wanted to ask, things to clarify and all those things I wanted to know  but I just can’t force it. I wanted to swallow my pride and reach out again but I don’t think it is right. I tried it once but he does not want me to know even if there’s really an underlying issue, I know I can sense it. People like him are just too hard to decipher when they start to zone out. I know him too well but at this point, I don’t actually understand him. I know we can just talk things out but this one’s a little bit different. I think he judged me already based on the text message which is just so unfair if that’s the case. We do crazy things when we’re intoxicated and I’ve been really crazy that night well half cray cray but then again I know the next day it’s not really sort of a big deal that is why I was still normal but he started zoning out for Chrissake! I know I have feelings but I know it’s not the right time to level it up and be on the romantic side of all things. I don’t think I am ready and he’s just too much to take in. I don’t think it’s going to work out provided he’ll still be himself. It’s fun and all those cute stuff but I am into a long term commitment kind of person, I want my first boyfriend to be my last and those principles I believed in are actually turning me into an old maid. Letting my guards down was actually fun but I know what I really want in my life… I want someone who is dependable, a man who believes in his own convictions and a man who knows what he wants. I don’t need a YOLO guy for the rest of my entire existence here on Earth. I am not being too ideal, I guess a girl has a right to know what he wants for his future husband. I know that at this point, he is not even half of that person I want to spend the rest of my life with but I must admit that I am praying and wishing that someday he’ll change. I guess I wasted my time praying and hoping.

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Maybe he was too afraid to face all the possibilities.

I don’t think being committed to someone is a good idea as of the moment (I am not sourgraping). I was not able to find anyone whom I really like with the qualities of my future husband will be. I mean I got lots of issues to face, problems to deal with and all I need is a friend — a best friend who knows me and yeah I got a lame person who shrugged me off his life leaving me alone without explaining why. Just when I thought he knew me too well, I guess I was wrong. I am not like the other girls in your past, you cannot compare me to them. Since when did I become too clingy? Maybe when I am too drunk and crazy but that’s just it. When I wake up, I am back into my old self realizing I cannot depend much on others to survive. You are another reason why I should stop trusting people. I gave you that trust I rarely give but you turned your back and left me hanging. I don’t know what you’ve been up to lately. I don’t know if you even miss me as much as I miss our long talks. I don’t know you anymore.

I know I am turning into a mad person then emo all of a sudden. I wanted to be mad — well, I have all the right to be mad. You are a coward and an asshole too. Maybe that is why we are friends but I just cannot believe that you can treat me that way. You know me, I will always understand you. I will always be here for you — not because of that crazy feelings I had but because you were my friend. You know how much I care for the people I trust, for the people I value… but even a single explanation, I was not able to get that from you. It hurts to know that I am not even worth an explanation — even a text. If you try to reach out again, do you think I’ll ignore you? No. I will still welcome you and forget all of this shits you’ve been up to. I want the truth, all I want is the truth coming from you. I rather hear the most painful truth than live my life with a beautiful lie. I want you to tell me in a sober conversation, why?

I know I will still be that difficult person to deal with after this blog entry. At 25, I feel more mature and that everyone now listens to what I say. I am no longer the young kid at work, I am now making my own name. I want to be empowered, motivated and driven in my career but as I am gearing towards that path, I become too heartless and focused. I am starting to hate myself but circumstances taught me never to trust anyone too much again.

Yeah, thanks to you by the way!

 
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Posted by on August 22, 2015 in journal, life

 

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How it has been so far?

I wanted to control my urge to write but I guess some feelings need to be vent out again for me to feel a little better.

I cut my hair recently.

I unfollowed my ex-friend in Tumblr.

I stopped caring.

Life was a bit simpler this past week and I can say I am back to my old sarcastic and half-witty self. I can now manage to see him without the desire to strangle him and scream what is wrong but I am actually still have my mood swings once in a while. I am still taming my monster side. Just when I thought I am able to manage my anger very well… oh yeah, I am back to square one. I am still my old self. 😲

I hate being mad because things become disastrous. I cannot stop myself from yelling or screaming or I have no idea what I can actually do. I actually prefer to cry instead of throwing something towards that person. I also walk away before I can hurt anyone. Anger does more harm than good.

I must admit I miss him but I am still wondering on the root cause of the sudden change in behavior. I have theories in mind but it won’t lead me into a concrete reason why he became indifferent. I asked myself, is it something I said? The text? What? I won’t assume that he loves me and plainly being confused or assume that he hates me because we are able to text each other after. He knows how I hate bullshit stuff and what he’s doing to me is actually bullshit at its finest. I can deal with the harsh truth than be stuck in a limbo of assumptions.

I was fighting for my feelings. I am shrugging it off because I fear rejection and commitment. I fear the pain that love brings. I fear too much attachment only to realized I lured myself into my own grave. I brought my fears into life and I am battling it right now. He was not my ideal guy but he complimented my brains and made me trust someone completely which rarely happens by the way. I got trust issues but with him I can be my ugly wasted self without caring what he might think of me. I am now writing this part with a heavy heart because I miss my bestfriend. I miss the random talks, foodtrips and laughtrips. It is so hard to be alright and accept that our friendship ended with a big question mark.

My pride tells me to stop reaching out and let things happen as they are meant to happen. I stopped chasing for answers and instead set a stupid timeline. I give you the space you wanted. I realized that I can actually survive without you. You know that feeling when you wanted to share a story and you are the first one who comes into my mind? I wanted to share it to you then we will laugh and forget about the stress we feel at work. I badly control myself not to ping you because my pride tells me that if you want to really talk to me you could have pinged me already weeks ago but you did not. You choose not to and I choose to let go.

I just think it is still unfair of you not telling me though. I guess I am not even worth an explanation.

I shrugged off my feelings because I still cling into that idea that maybe I will find someone who is as hot like Doug Kramer, as smart as Marc Nelson, as God-fearing as Paul Soriano, as cool as Drew Arellano, as handsome as Marlon Stockinger and as amazing as my father. I got this high standards when it comes to relationship only to realize that I have been shrugging my feelings for someone who is not even close to my ideals but complimented me in ways I can no longer explain. You are indeed my greatest nightmare dressed like a daydream. You are so much to take in. I wanted a man but I got a 30-year old boy who still does not know what he really wants in life. I know I deserve someone better as what our friends say but I still empathize with you. I fear your fears. I fear commitment. I fear being attached to you and be in an actual relationship because I am so afraid of your world. I do not know how to fit into it when I am the laidback type. I am low maintenance and the simple things can actually make me happy. I know our financial status is way different since I am the heir of my family’s financial problems. I grew up rich and suffered bankruptcy when I was 19. Life was never easy back then. I had my own issues to fix and my pride tells me that I need to be established first. I seek for a long term relationship. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with someone and not just enter into something half-baked. I prayed for that moment. I prayed hard.

We need to probably sort things out while we are sober and be honest about our fears and feelings. We cannot totally escape this by not talking and pretending one does not exist. I want to give the space you wanted before I totally confront you. This ain’t cool in dealing with life issues. I will never attain the peace I wanted with a hanging chapter in my life.

It’s still a blurry path to the unknown. Work exhausts me and I cannot help but displaced my anger to my supervisor who keeps on nagging us. I want to actually be blunt and just tell him that his ideas are sometimes stupid. I got raging hormones to deal with each day and I do not f*ckingly know how to be chill except of course if I choose to walk away and eat out at dawn alone. I need a break.

That’s it.

😤😥😧

 
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Posted by on August 11, 2015 in life

 

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Another Sunday Morning.

Disclaimer: I wrote this yesterday after drinking beers and cure my hangover with a macchiatto. Alcohol and coffee is not a good combo.

Here you go…

 

It’s been a month since the last time I write in this blog. I’ve been fine so maybe that’s the reason why I no longer wrote those things that made me happy and sad. I usually write when I am depressed or so happy I cannot contain it to myself. My life seems to be drifting day by day still feeling lost not knowing what to really do with it. I know this has been my blabs for quite some time already and yes, I still have no definite solution on how I will fix my shits.

I got to read an article of one celebrity teenager who killed herself and another one who had a viral video. I then realized that most of us are like masks, we don’t know what’s really happening inside but stick to what we see. We don’t get to understand their struggles yet we judge them by the way they look or act. The society we are in is judgmental, enough said. I don’t worry much on what people may think of me as I got this mindset that whatever you think won’t actually define me. I am who I am. I got trust issues. I am full of shits and if you can’t help me solve my problem just don’t add up to it. My life is not messy compared to others but there are times when I feel like it’s already my end. Yes, I won’t deny the reality that I did once try to kill myself. I wanted to die. I wanted to kill myself after someone broke my heart. I wanted to die and be with dad in heaven. I wanted to die to spare myself from all the shits the world has to offer. I wanted to die because I thought I will not be able to survive. I just hate challenges because why do you always need to constantly prove yourself in this f*cking world. I got frustrations building up day by day and I kick those leeches that suck up my happiness. I wanted to escape home because it breaks me seeing my mom weakening day by day. I still don’t know what to do once she’s gone. I still don’t know what the future beholds and still here I am breathing in the possibilities of tomorrow. It sucks, FYI.

But I choose to live.

I am still here because I cannot take my life away. I hate depression because it eats us slowly. I hate seeing people battling depression and being succumb into the dark. It’s been a battle worth fighting and I am recovering. It’s been a year since the last time I am crippled by it but did survive. Only few knows what I’ve been up to during my darkest days. I am glad I was able to tell someone about my plans as he was able to stop me from actually doing it. I felt lonely. I felt that my career is going no where. I felt stupid in graduate school. I was actually saved by someone who battled depression victoriously. I still get up, go to work and put that damn smile in my face but inside I am broken. I am shattered because of my pride. I am broken because of my choices. I am frustrated because I know I did well and end up still a shit. I know I have been overthinking stuffs and keeping it all to myself because I hate being judge by some that I am a weakling. I know I am weak. I know I needed someone in my life so badly and the thought of being alone in my 30’s scare me. I still doubt myself despite my numerous achievements. I wanted to be busy because when I am alone that’s when my thoughts drown me. I wanted to drink and get wasted so I can just sleep right away. I am self-destructing for 2 years already, juggling everything at once pretending I am fine but I am not.

I am still lost on what I really want to do with my life.

I don’t even have a decent savings to be proud of.

Anyways, I still got some hope and faith though. Everyday, I do my own pep talk. I know God has a plan and everything will be fine just like why I did not pursue in ending my life. God always make way to me and I trust him. I just pray that he’ll lead me the way because I survived 25 years of existence with him by my side. I yelled at him once because he was so unfair to me only to realize that those times he never listened to my pleas was actually the time he went out to open new opportunities for me. Someday, someday… it’ll all make sense. I know it will just like my yesterday that totally made sense today. I don’t want depression to cloud my sunny side, I know I got issues within myself I need to fix but as time passes by I am confident that I will be able to find that elusive answer to my personal dilemmas.

As what I always say, “Life as we all know it”.

 
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Posted by on July 13, 2015 in life, Uncategorized

 

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Bantayan Island: Not Your Ordinary Paradise

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Chill Rating: ☺☺☺☺☺

One of the best weekend spent on the beach with friends. It’s so nice to finally commune in nature after some tiring week of school and work related stress. It has been my lifelong dream to travel and write about the world we are currently in. I must admit I am not really a writer, I am just a blogger who writes from her soul. This will be one of my few summer adventures that I will be blogging just because this place is really worth every single share. Bantayan Island is located west of the northernmost part of Cebu province. It’s actually one of the largest in the whole Bantayan Island Group which is composed of not more than 20 islands. Most tourists visit the island during Holy Week because it is the island’s fiesta. Party goers from all walks of life are enjoying the scenic view, eat, drink and definitely be merry! I love partying but since I am an ambivert ( partly extrovert, partly introvert) Bantayan is the best place for solitude so I rather choose Boracay for the party scene and let Bantayan be Bantayan — I want to savor its serenity and wander around when there’s a lesser crowd. Now, enough of my introduction and let’s start rehashing my less than 24 hours stay in the beautiful paradise that made me realized that life is too short to waste  in worries. I remembered swimming under the stars and the full moon. It was so blissful and should I say solitude at its finest. Thank you Lord for the needed break. I finally have unwind from all the hustles and bustles of my city life. I could not thank you enough for the beautiful weather and clear skies that night. I am in one with your creation and it has been an awesome experience . It actually reminded me that you exist and that you’ll always be there watching us no matter what.

And again, to cut the drama short… let’s start talking about Bantayan Island — such a beautiful place to wander.

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I left home at around 6:00 am and took the 6:50 bus to Cadiz for 95 pesos. When you reached the terminal, there will be trike drivers who will offer to bring you to the port where the fast craft is. It depends on the number of people so I suggest go in groups so that you’ll pay only 20 – 25 pesos from Cadiz terminal to its port. For 290 pesos, you’ll be able to reach Bantayan Island in 3 hours depending on the weather. Make sure you reached the port before 9:00 am or else, you’ll wait for tomorrow because there’s only one trip each day.

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Bantayan Island is 4 hours away from Bacolod and most of the travel time is spent on the sea. Nevertheless, the place is really worth the time spent waiting. After we reached Bantayan Port, we went to Grez Bell, a restaurant nearby which offers delicious and mouth watering delicacies. Since everyone is so busy with regard to the Pacman and Mayweather fight, we waited for almost an hour but again, it’s worth it. I ordered chicken curry and I swear I love it. My friends ordered steamed veggies and sizzling squid.

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After our oh so fully loaded meal — we are off to see more of the sun, sand and definitely the BEACH!!! Oh yeah! But first we roam around the municipality’s market to check out some goodies. It’s nice and very affordable.

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You need to ride a trike for 25 pesos in order to reach the beach resorts in Sta. Fe which is a 15 – 20 minute ride from the wharf.

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Most of my travel time was spent on daydreaming the white beaches and cloud watching.

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cloud watching to budyong

There are several beach front resorts you can choose from when you reach Bantayan Island. Prices of these resorts range as little as P1,500 to P5,000 per night. Finally, we’re in Budyong Beach Resort! Budyong Beach Resort is one of the most affordable resort in Bantayan Island. It is a nicec place to stay if you are into a great beach experience with your family and friends. The resort takes pride of its location and staff that are very helpful and accomodating. They are recommending activities that make your stay in the island very worthwhile and that includes tricycle transfers, boat and bike rentals. It’s one of the choices when you want a beach resort with powdery white sands and beachfront cottages that offers the best view of the sea. Swimming in front of the resort is also good because the water is clean,cool and no big rocks that can hurt your feet whether it’s high tide or low tide. The place is so serene and calm, just the perfect place for you to destress and unwind. I will surely recommend the resort to my friends.

Budyong Beach Resort Website: http://budyong.byethost7.com/budyong/index.html

For reservations and inquiries, please feel free to reach them thru the following: 

Phone : (032) 438-9285
Mobile : 09213145275
Email : budyongbeachresort@hotmail.com

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Best place to stay with family or friends and just commune with nature.

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We stayed in a fan room worth 1300 pesos which is already good for 4 persons and the only room available that day.

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Front Desk

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Time to feel the island vibe first before we start the fun… fresh green mango shake from Budyong’s Restaurant! It is so refreshing — definitely a must try.

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More pictures of Budyong Beach Resort hoping it will entice you too to stay there… 🙂

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It was such a beautiful place to stay. Late in the afternoon after we’ve settled down, we decided to go island hopping, snorkeling and swimming. It was an amazing experience unfortunately I don’t have a watercam or GoPro to capture the corals and fishes that I’ve seen as well as the beautiful full moon that really capped of my stay. It was a one of a kind experience — my Bantayan Universe experience.

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The moon that is so full and BEAUTIFUL! The best island experience.

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I am such a speed fan and it’s nice to be reunited with an old love. Happiness on wheels and brakes, I am swooned and so excited to test my biking skills after all these years.

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And just what I’ve thought… I still got the skills. I feel so alive and happy. It’s me and my bike to places I’ve never been. Thank you Bantayan Island for making me feel like a kid again. I owe you such a memorable experience. Thank you Lord for keeping me safe too. 🙂

After the island hopping adventures, we were super hungry. We rented bikes and pedalled our way to the most recommended restaurant of the locals — HR Restaurant. Time to fill the growling stomach with sumptous delicacies. Gambas! Chicken! Sinigang! Halo-Halo! Yahoooooo!

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The bar is actually so chill but I decided to be sober that day. I swear I’ll drink on my next visit.

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 And my friends went to buy something as souvenirs while I am biking all over the various blocks.

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Time to swim under the moon and the stars. I will just close my eyes and rekindle the most beautiful memory. Solitude at its finest. I was just there lying on the sand under the infinite stars watching the clouds clear up to give way to the moon. Definitely a-MAY-zing! 🙂

I woke up early to catch the breaking dawn and I was not able to miss it. I was there watching the sun as it totally breaks free.

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Now, time for my usual beach routine — a walk in the beach, alone. There is really something about solitude that makes me feel alive. I know I am weird but I guess I am used to that alone but never lonely feeling. I got God watching me and I am watching his creations. Every beach trip is always an experience I cherished. I captured some of the sights I saw while walking the long stretch of white sand.

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After some walking, time for some biking before we go home.

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Saying goodbye was a little bit hard but the experience is fulfilling. I think I left a piece of my heart to the island that fueled my artistic side. I can now write my thoughts and emotions again. I must say — I was so happy in less than 24 hours and I will definitely come back soon.

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Goodbye island life, until we meet again.

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Posted by on May 5, 2015 in 25, adventures, beach, life, personal, travel

 

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