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Monthly Archives: October 2017

Coffee Diary. 

Almost 2am and I can’t sleep. 

My mind is such a terrible place at this hour and has been calmed down by caffeine for the mean time. I spent my night tossing and turning on my bed forcing myself to sleep but it didn’t happen. Minutes of dozing off and my brain cells are then wired up for some analysis of life’s events. It’s a little bit terrifying when it starts to rehash memories and try to puzzle out stuff that I should not worry about. I just locked my demons back to where it belongs to and I can say I’m fine or at least I believe I am. I am pretty much aware that all the summer feels were gone and my life revolves from gloomy to stormy. I can see the sun once in a while but clouds kept on covering all the sunrays. 

I’m still trying to convince myself that I don’t need medical attention for my depression. I think I’m fine. I know I’m not but at least I’m not suicidal… well not yet. Every day is such a challenge especially if my mind starts to drift. I always daydream though to survive each day but I turned into a hopeless person from a person full of sunshine. 

I guess I need a break. 

I guess I will be fine. 

Keep going as they say… so that’s what I’ll do, go on. Be strong. Pray. Lean on God. 

I love God and I know everything will be fine if I put my trust in him. 😊

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Posted by on October 11, 2017 in personal

 

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Empty Soul. 

Today, I feel lethargic.

It’s the usual feeling I have almost every day so I know I shouldn’t make a big deal out of it but despite being sluggish, I am also in the mood to write. 

I want to write what I feel and hopefully I’ll get over it. As I looked at the second hand in my watch and as it bids one second after another, I know I’m losing time. Some people seems to live while I keep on dying every day. I am becoming tired of living and my hope is slowly fading. There’s this boy who reminds me of another pain bound to happen and the past is just another good thing I survived kind of thing. I should be appreciative the least of it instead I formed clouds of hate. 

Always a good time with someone and it can be addicting. It’s rare to find someone who totally get you, all your weirdness and craziness yet accepted you. It’s rare to find someone whom you can share minutes of silence without feeling that awkwardness. It’s like finding your soul mate but you’re just not meant to be together. I have this alpha personality where I think I’m way better than his girl but I know he’ll never choose me. If he wanted to, then he should’ve choosen me before. I get that. I believed in that fact.

Aside from the fact that nobody wanted to be with me, I have been trying my best to find my own happiness. Every day I can find something to smile about but the emptiness haunts me. Sharing my time, being with him, with friends and working gave me happiness, a temporary happiness that made me survived each day. Deep inside I long for that day when today makes sense and I hope I’ll make it. I hope that the next wave of depression would be easy but everytime it hits me, I am getting weaker and weaker. My hope slowly dying together with my soul. I no longer see the value of existing when nobody wants me to call their own. 

I lift my burdens to God and I know he sees my pain. I hate being just an option when I deserve to be the choice. I hate living this kind of life when all these years I invested in good karma. I hate being stuck in the dark and the light he gives me each day would just bring me pain. If I let myself fall into the abyss I know I’ll be dead. If he loves me, he will choose me. I know he is just there to act like a saviour because who wouldn’t feel better to save a broken soul? To love and not be love is life’s greatest tragedy and I don’t know how to start over if I’ll let myself fall into the trap. My resistance in niceness and consistency have leveled up already. I know I can still walk away from him and leave even if I’ll be shattered. I’ll be hurt, be in pain perhaps but the pain won’t destroy me… not yet. 

I envy the girl who has his heart. I don’t know my role in his life and I don’t want to know at all. I already programmed my mind that I’m just a friend he enjoyed talking to and I should stop myself from falling. For once I need to be better. I cannot be gullible and end up being hurt. I don’t deserve to be just a third party. I deserve to be the girl who owns someone’s heart. Take me as I am with all my good and bad side. Don’t look at me like I’m better than you or that you’re better than me. Love should not be complicated.

 

I wish to find someone exactly like you who’ll choose me for the rest of my life. I hope God grants my wishes soon because I have no idea how long I can actually hold on. Life’s loses its meaning as time ticks away each day. 

Inspire me or just kill me. 

 
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Posted by on October 6, 2017 in personal

 

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