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Monthly Archives: November 2016

Sana, Tayo. 

Di ko lubos maisip kung kailan kita minahal     Bigla lang itong nangyari at di ko dinasal.        Isang araw ako ay nagising na lamang                  Na ikaw na ang laman nitong isipan.

Pilit kong pinigilan ang aking nararamdaman
pero sa bawat paglaban ako ay nauwing talunan.
Ang ngiti mo ang siyang naging lakas
at tanging hiling ko ay kailanman tayo ay di magwakas.

Mapagtukso ang tadhana at pagkakataon
Pinagkalayo tayo ng panahon
Puso ko’y takot na takot sabihin
ang mga salitang sa panaginip ko lang kayang bigkasin.

Pilit kong humayo’t magpakalayo layo
dahil alam kong kailanman walang tayo
Ako ay isang kaibigan lamang na umasa
Sa iyong pagmamahal na akala ko ay may pag-asa.

Ikaw ang paksa sa bawat tula na aking sinulat.
Dahil ang pait sa aking puso ay iyong minulat.
Paalam kaibigan,
Mahal pa rin kita.

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Posted by on November 30, 2016 in personal

 

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On Being 27

This ain’t the life I imagined to be 10 years ago. When I was a kid up to my puberty days, I planned my adulthood — I actually planned it too well. I wanted to settle down at 25 because I know that I already have a successful career and a husband who’ll be the father of our three beautiful and handsome kids. I will also have a lot of cars and purebred dogs. I’ve travelled to many places here and abroad. I am living my life so lavishly that people envy my success. 

Well, those are just my unrealized dreams. 

I’m now 27 with no savings, no car and no boyfriend. I am lost with what career to pursue despite the degrees I have. I am not even 30% of who I hoped to be. Quarter life crisis hits me up so well that I don’t know how to deal with it sometimes. 

I used to be idealistic with a lot of bulleted plans waiting to be checked. Even my day is used to be so well planned out. It also makes me feel so inefficient when I have a lot of remaining boxes waiting  to be ticked. I have no idea when I started to fully loosen up in being a perfectionist. Probably it’s when I realized that life is  better spent  spontaneously because planning can sometimes be too frustrating. Life is unfair, full of bullcraps and sorrows. Life is full of never ending heartbreaks, failures and unanswered prayers. Life is not about just being persistent to achieve. Life is all about timing and faith.

As I always tell myself, timing is never my strong suit in the deck of life. My success is not about luck but hardwork and pains. There are moments wherein I almost gave up,  nobody knows how I battled depression… how I almost decided to pull the trigger and bid goodbye to this world full of frustrations. I got my skeletons hid well in the closet masked by my positive demeanor. I am a universe full of secrets. I am mostly  alone in my battles but saved by friends who’ve been through worst — some bunch of psychos who survived depression well. I realized that not all happy people are happy and we all have stories to tell.

My faith in God never ceased despite of prayers unanswered. I yelled and hated him for not giving me the life I wanted. I begged for him to return my dad.  I screamed at him. I hated God so bad yet I submit to his will. I know God has a better plan — he always nail it at his own perfect time. I am not a church goer but I believe in God’s presence. I know he’ll always be there for me and that all my prayers will be addressed soon. 

I am blessed to have people who are there for me no matter what. I may not trust a lot but definitely glad to be trusted by most. I knew that somehow I did something right in my life. Even if I don’t have everything I wanted, I turned out to be someone better than I expected. All the bad memories made me more human. The pains I faced made me more empathetic. The heartbreaks I had made me a poet. Life made me feel more of a human being with better understanding of human nature and not just being purely driven to succeed because of my intelligence. I acknowledged my flaws and accepted it because it humbles me. I have controlled my egocentric self who feeds into every achievements I have. I now know my worth and I don’t seek to be recognized. Who I am is a product of both bad and good experiences that actually made me a person my mom and dad can actually be proud of. I live for them. I know they did great in raising me and I’m happy of my choices in life because I turned out to be more than they expected. I always overhear my Tito Edsel and Mama talking about how proud they are of me. They may not have express it verbally but the sacrifices they did for me says it all. My success is always dedicated for those people who believed in my prowess since Day 1 — Daddy,Mama and Tito Edsel. 

At 27, I am more mature in dealing with my life. I am still a work in progress. I still want to be a poet, a photographer, an artist, a celebrity and an ambassadress. I don’t know how I’ll reach for those crazy dreams but I’m willing to take that leap. I’ll probably get my life going towards the right direction ASAP.  I always pray for enlightenment in every decision I make. My life is a battle of tough choices between practicality and passion.

  • I wish to travel more and experience different culture. 
  • I wish to capture more beautiful sunrises and sunsets.
  •  I wish to have more sands to walk to. 
  • I wish to hear more waves roaring and watch its ebb and flow. 
  • I wish to drink more cups of coffee. 
  • I wish to write more haikus and share it to the world.
  • I wish to inspire more people to love poetry. 
  • I wish to spend more time with my aging mother. 
  • I wish for more moments under the stars. 
  • I wish to drink more alcohol and celebrate life’s successes and pitfalls. 
  • I wish to find someone who’ll tame my heart full of spite in the idea that forever exists. 
  • I wish to live my life full of faith in God’s perfect plan. 

I never felt so good after all these years and I hope at this age I’ll be able to make my wishes come true. I also hope to find a man who’ll see my worth and will have the courage to tell me he loves me not just a boy who’s intimidated by my success and won’t fight for his feelings. I need a man, not a boy who doesn’t know how to fight what he feels. I need someone who’ll never let me go. Someone who’ll show me that I’m worth the words and he’s worth the wait. 

At 27… I want life to finally happen as what God intended it to be. Please, God. Please. 

Amen.  

XOXO, 

Carol 😘

 
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Posted by on November 23, 2016 in personal

 

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On Frustration. 

On Frustration. 

Days ago I am afraid of what might November brings into my life this year. I seem to be cursed because most of my dreaded memories usually happen during my birth month.  I already expected it but still never fails to surprise me.  To cut the long story short, it just happened today. 

I am still battling quarter life crisis. I am still fighting my demons that poison my thoughts. There are instances when I ask myself if I’m where I wanted to be and usually my subconscious would say NO. I wanted to do a lot of things most of the time restricted by monetary reasons. I think I’m screwed because at 26 I still don’t have savings to be proud of. My years were spent on wasting my weekends eating and drinking. I invested on myself but I haven’t make use of my masters degree yet. I’ve been into places this year feeding my wanderlust but I still go home feeling incomplete. I attended too many kiddie parties this year asking myself when will I have one to prepare for. I see a lot of couples and I’m wondering when will I be committed. Work was the only thing that seemed to be right and here I am frustrated for the nth time to the new changes. 

The movement from one department to another came in as a surprise. I was a bit depressed knowing I got my ball already rolling and I’m just waiting for results. I spent most of my time looking for job aids that can help out my team to be more efficient and effective. We were delivering the numbers and I know I’ll nail the top team award if it continues for a month but guess what — life happened. I accepted the change. I was demotivated. I need to psych up myself in adjusting to a newer ground. Shit. 

It was weeks of battling depression because I need to adjust and how I hate adjusting and getting to know people but I still do it because of course I don’t have a choice. 

They gave me a new team. I did everything I can to work things out.  Numbers are good, all I did is to remind them. I was able to fix their absenteeism rate. Months pass by and I got to know them more. They are bunch of locos who match my kind of crazy and we’re able to really click as a team. So far they are the most easy to deal with, lesser dramas and more fun. It wasn’t a good ride but I am challenged enough to do everything I can to make them back on top — to make me back from where I was,  top team lead, top team. My work is the only thing that is actually right in my life. The rest are work in progress and nightmares I ought not to focus on or else it would just heighten my depression that I am overcoming on my own. 

Today, I got the news that I’ll have a different tteam with only 6 out of  16 will be left under my wing. 

I don’t know how to respond but my mind keeps on flashing memories. It happened thrice in my career life and my life frustration then hits me.

At 26, I still don’t have a car. I still don’t have a fat savings account. I’m just getting fatter. I still don’t have a boyfriend. I am 80% away from my dreams. I am still a struggling photographer wannabe without the gadgets. I’m still searching for my purpose.  I feel incomplete. 
I want to throw everything my hands can grab and wail my heart out because of frustration. I want to make things too difficult for others. They won’t understand and I won’t explain because this is my own battle. It’s not just changing of roster, it’s my own frustration with my life. I am planning how to move my team already and it breaks me to start all over again, to be all psyched up and put my game face on because I’m being challenged. A coach doesn’t give up easily and I’m almost there — I’m tired now. 

I wany to wrap myself with a blanket with a cup of hot choco in hand while watching the crescent as the clouds fade its beauty and the waves keep on tossing and turning. I want to be away today. 

If only I get paid to travel, I will. I want to find my core again. I want to chase my unrealized dreams. 

November happened again and I’m in rock bottom AGAIN. I hope to wake up with void feelings and not being haunted by my frustrations. 

Happy birthday to me! 

 
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Posted by on November 3, 2016 in personal

 

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