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Friday Morning Solitude.

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He was the thought behind unfinished sentences and discarded blog posts. I write several sentences until my eyes swell and a lump in my throat bothers me. I hit the discard post over save and look at the screen of my phone like a kid deprived of her favorite chocolates. I pray this feeling ends soon because it kills me. It’s like waiting for a moment that you know will never happen but you keep on waiting. You keep on believing that you are awesome and that he should see that like how others see you. You believe that you’re smart, you’re nice and you’re the best he could have. You know you’re worth the words so you choose to wait until he realize that you are the answered prayer. You are his the one.

It was always a battle between justifying my feelings when I know it’ll never be justified at all. I tried to let go countless times but I’m still here stuck with a realization that I’ll never be at peace. I keep on cutting the weeds that suffocate me trying to free myself from his entirety but I can’t. I just can’t.

I look at my phone several times waiting for his text just like how it was before. I keep on wishing nothing actually changed but it changes as months pass by. There’s awkwardness and sadness because the person you thought will never leave you sees you as an option and no longer the priority. Suddenly I keep on asking myself if I’m indeed an asshole. I started to question my worth. I started to doubt myself, started to feel that I’m not enough, started to feel so small in his world. I decided to step back and the loneliness is haunting. I trusted him, told him everything about my life and now I felt that I shared too much of me to someone who does not want to be with me anymore. He’s already keeping a part of himself from me and that makes me actually feel like I can no longer be the person anyone can trust.

I wish to be saved by someone else’s smile and courage to blurt out those words that will awake me from my nightmares and daydreams. I know how hard I prayed to God that I’ll find someone who matches my kind of crazy. He should be honest enough to tell me that I complement his personality. Someone who’ll make me realize that I’m waiting for someone who does not value me because I’m not rich, I’m not beautiful and I’m not smart enough. I’m in limbo of emotions and it’s killing me.

Here’s to my own tragedy… untold, half-written and full of unnecessary pain.

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Posted by on February 26, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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Just Because…

Finally, I decided to write before I totally explode.

I feel a little sad, kinda depressed or maybe just a bit lonely… I can also blame the rainy weather for the past two days that actually heightens my emo side. I have no idea where all of these are coming from but nevertheless, I can feel my heart wallowing into the most painful emotions I can ever imagine. First, I am totally frustrated. Honestly, after graduation I hear a lot of comments from friends even teachers and mentors why I did not graduate with honors when I actually deserved it. Usually I smile and tell them that it’s just how it is. I am stupid in accounting and I did not make it — plain and simple. I get so tired rehashing all the things in my academic life so I rather blame myself from being incompetent when in reality I know I am not. I brushed it off because I don’t think it would be healthy for me to continuously talk about what have happened. I already said my piece before and I don’t want to be bitter anymore. I shed tears no one could ever imagined, I don’t talk about it, I just let it die like other issues life has to offer but I guess you cannot just remove the stain so easily. If I will just be real, I guess I have been whining and ranting but I am simply controlling myself. I feel so bad when I know how I too exerted effort to make ends meet in my graduate school life. I have achieved a lot only to fail in the end but I accepted that truth, even the best fall down sometimes.

Also, this being single is getting off my nerves lately. Is it just me or my raging hormones trying to control me again or probably another shitty jealousy with someone? I don’t care but I just want to say my piece. I am frustrated with my situation. It’s been months or should I say years of fighting, of constantly trying to escape from this feelings… of letting go and of hurting. How stupid can I actually get? I am aware that I am actually stupid and that what I am doing is stupid and that texting him is actually stupid and waiting for him to say those words again is actually stupid. No matter how I wallow and rant on why am I not even worth the words I know I will end up with nothing. It’s like my insecurities are boosted when I know I can’t be like her girl friends who can actually be her wife because they do the same shits and I am boring with all the degrees I have and me trying to be just nice. I am not a prude but I left something for myself, a little dignity — but I don’t think it’s cool. Anyways, this is my complicated shitty love life I am trying to escape from for years. It’s like I’m the best example of friendzoned at its finest. I found myself attracted to another guy yet he’s married and the idea of really pursuing this crush thing sickens me to death. It’s pathetic, I am more than that even know I find his mind a little interesting and the way he looks at me makes me actually wonder what’s running in his mind. I enjoy his company and I know he feels the same way with me yet we all know our limits. It was so easy to let go because I know there’ll be no chance for us so I go back again to the one I loved and again feel the hurt of being not enough. This is so not me. The feelings changed me into someone who looks out for another human being and putting him as one of my priorities. It scares me but just like drugs, I am drawn to him even if I know it’s bad. I know that eventually he’ll just hurt me. I know that in the end he’ll just tell me we’re just friends and then what’s next? I’ll have my own pity party and be wasted. No degree of whatsoever can actually find me love!!! I always ask myself… am I not enough? I am not a lawyer, a doctor, a super model, a pretty lady with a 36-24-36 vital statistics and definitely not like Georgina Wilson or any celebrity she’s crushing on. I am just myself — and I guess it will never be enough.

Life is a little shitty nowadays and I actually want to cry. I don’t know when will my problems end or as if it will ever end. Family issues to deal with. Career that is now a little bit stable but some process really gets into my nerves as well and I just want to scream all the way telling people to stop trying so hard to be great leaders when in fact, they are creating a chaotic environment. Holy guacamole! I hope you’ll realized  that some of you guys seriously need some refresher on right way to lead.

That’s my May weather thoughts and I know that I will regret blogging this again when my hormones become stable but nevertheless I will not delete this just because I am a coward. Read it people. Read it friends. This is me, I am a universe full of unsaid emotions and thoughts. Welcome to my world… my pains, my frustrations and my reality.

This is how my story goes on video…

P.S.: Don’t pity me. I will survive this mess so just pray for me instead. 🙂

 
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Posted by on May 3, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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The Love Surge.

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I don’t want to be geeky today except I decided to be a little cheesy before I start reviewing for my comprehensive exams. I know I am slacking off right now just because my thoughts are actually bothering me big time. Here’s what I’ve been up to for the past hour, thinking of finally quitting my job before the year ends to rediscover the world, to be who I wanted to be… as what I have always dream of except that in the deepest corners of my heart lies that truth, I just cannot go and leave my daily routine for a lot of reasons and that reason is… YOU.

I don’t want to write about you.

I don’t want the world to know about you.

But I can’t help it… you are the strongest force that is currently inside me,  you are whirling around in my mind like an insane typhoon daunting people and your magnitude is too high that my heart can be shattered into pieces. You are one strong force that actually changed the course of my life.

You are the best and can be the worst thing ever happened to me.

You.

You.

You and your craziness.

You and your weirdness.

You.

You make me write in reasons I actually don’t know.

You just make me write, make me rekindle back my old high school self who is inlove with sheer poetry.

You make me see things beautifully, always on a lighter note.

You don’t know how life changing you can be, you don’t know how an independent and free-spirited kid suddenly thrived into you. I don’t know what happened but this crazy force is totally gives me a certain high. You, my friend made me believe in love all over again. You made me start over again. You made me whole again after 12 years of not believing, of hoping, of hating… You and only  a crazy guy like you made me fix my shit and believe in forever once more.

I see a kid, young, lost and free in your eyes. I don’t know what is running in your mind when you look at me because I am a complete shit whose life I cannot even fix asap. I am running in circles, stuck in this world, contemplating about my life and simply not knowing where to start. I hope you learn to love this young girl who despite the challenges she is facing is still smiling. I hope you will see that this girl wants to have someone who will save her from her own wilderness, together they will save the world – they will save each other.

You.

I want you to be with me in this crazy life. Us, watching the sunset together arguing what food to eat. Us, running around like kids and finishing each other sentences. Us, believing in each other’s prowess and loving life like we used to. Together, we can be a great team. If you only know how much I love you. You know how I put  up all the walls  and be strong for all these years but you make me think twice most of the time. With you, I feel real, I can be myself comfortably except for those times when I am with your friends and I feel so awkward I prayed that the world will just eat me alive. You made me feel all the emotions I never felt before. You are the greatest if not the best feeling I have ever felt before.

Let me daydream for a while.

Let me believe that this is a great chance for me to be happy.

Let me believe that we have a future.

Let me hold on to this daydream before I decide to let go of the present and start my life all over again away from my daily routine… a fresh start, without the people I used to have in my life, without the work I have since graduation, without the life I choose to live.

Let me decide this time as wisely as possible… to hold on or to finally let go.

I want you to be the influential person who can change the course of my life

 
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Posted by on March 15, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Some Good Friday Thoughts

Dear God,

It’s been a week full of shits and things aren’t working my way. It’s been a series of mood swings that I mostly blame to my raging hormones, well I hope I was right.  Last Monday night, I felt sick because of my weekend escapade. I swam like I never swam before and had my own moment watching the sunrise at the sea wall. I spent my time thinking and enjoying the calmness of the sea despite the cloudy skies. Thank you for allowing me to go and for having a safe trip. You are indeed awesome. I’m beyond thankful. I know you know what I mean.

I also had the time of my life last Tuesday when I got wet due to the amazing rain showers we get in the height of the summer season in the Philippines. I look silly when I arrived at work but who cares right?  Oh well. Guess what, there’s more… my bestfriend at work invited me for lunch and since I have to take my meds before the flu virus take over, I really need to grab a bite only to find out that he’s busy playing damn monopoly as if I don’t effin exist so I gracefully walked out. Guess what, after all those shits, I was ousted in my station due to hot seating issues at work. I need to recover my files and pull it up on a different work station and later that day I got humiliated because the alarm of our defective door  sounded when I swiped my badge and people propped their heads in the conference room wondering what’s going on outside. Not my day I guess… bummer.

Okay God, I know you’ve witnessed it all and I’m sorry for ranting over again but I’m just plainly bitter. I guess everything that have happened recently simply triggered my dormant feelings with regard to all the bullshits (excuse me) that I feel in this world. I’m kinda tired of understanding, of being simply patient and passive. I too have feelings. I too have an opinion. I am a true believer that life isn’t fair and will never be and for you to survive you need to learn to be patient. It took me lots and lots of time to realize that and I ended up better, more optimistic and definitely lighter because I got rid of unnecessary emotional baggages and hang ups. Crap.

God, I pray for more patience and more time alone to sort out my emotions. It’s Good Friday and I want to reflect.

I’m just human, I get pissed. I know it’s crazy but I’ve been the one who understands all the time, someone who is easy to talk to but here’s the tough thing in this story or should I call it the bottomline of my post — I can no longer recall the moment I felt valued. It sucks you know. I guess I’m longing for that kind of relationship, that one day I’ll have someone who don’t just understand me but would make me feel valued. I pray for that moment wherein what I want will be prioritized. I want to feel special in ways I never imagined that can actually happen. God, I’m sorry if I sinned. I’m sorry for my sarcasm. Maybe I deserved to feel like this today. Thanks for reminding me that I don’t deserved a love that treats me like shit whether it was intentional or not. Thanks for all the realizations and for the everyday miracles. Thank you for simply being there when I need someone to rant, whine and talk to. Thanks for making me believe that life is still beautiful. You’re one of a kind and I hope other people will appreciate and value you as much as I value you, my God.  Thy will be done. Amen.

Love,

Carol  ❤

 
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Posted by on April 18, 2014 in journal, life, Life Blog, people

 

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Status: It’s Complicated

Love  according to Merriam Webster is
a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties
(2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers
(3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests

and Romance is defined as
intransitive verb
1 : to exaggerate or invent detail or incident
2 : to entertain romantic thoughts or ideas

transitive verb
1 : to try to influence or curry favor with especially by lavishing personal attention, gifts, or flattery
2 : to carry on a love affair with

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It’s the time of the week again that I feel like talking and writing my opinions before I’m  drowned with my thoughts.

I’ve got lots of stuffs to do such as to read our books for my graduate studies, learn the basics of accounting and that desire to drink cocktails.

I’m stressed out because my emotions suck this past few days. I have questions longing to be asked since time immemorial. I want someone to explain to me why things didn’t work out. I want to get out of this crappy mess I’m involved with.

If only I knew…

Anyways, it’s either real or false reality.

It sucks to be the good friend when in fact you’re hurting big time. It hurts so bad you just want to disappear into the nothingness or maybe hit your head so hard you forget everything and no single emotions left.

It double sucks (if that’s even a word ) if you offer the advice they need when you’re the one swallowing your pride because it’s also the love you fuckin wanted from the start.

If only I can fall out of love but I can’t. No matter how hard I fight it… I just can’t. He knows I’ll always stay and that I’ll choose him over and over because he makes me happy in a non – chalant way. He accepted me for who I am and for who I am not. He makes me write like I never wrote before. He’s not the typical guy. He was heaven sent.

Love is a choice.

You cannot just sleep then wake up one day as if you haven’t feel anything at all. Love is accepting him for who he is despite his vices. Love is that warm feeling you feel when he smiles at you and that connection whenever you talk. It’s how our eyes gleam when we’re so engage in our conversations about life, work and family. It’s how we were that I just can’t forget. You made me believe that it’s all worth a second try… that you can be my prince charming. You’ll always be my “2012”

The Decision.

It’s about time I fight for my own happiness. I need to stay away from the girl even if I valued her as my friend. I’m not staying away because I’m guilty but I want to save myself from hurting over and over again. I’m crushed, wrecked and torn. I don’t want to see her so giddy because of you. I don’t want to see her so hopeful. I hate hearing her love shenanigans. Knowing the guy so well, he deserves more than a lost girl whom I know is a good person despite the loud mouth and her vices. She romanticize things because she’s the type who believes that every boy who hits on her is a potential prince charming. She ends up being hurt over and over.

I’m not like her.

I am strong willed, crazy, witty and the non-conformist. I don’t easily get swayed by sweet gestures or at least doesn’t show it. I don’t drink and kiss then prolly have sex with someone I barely new. I know the things I believed in, my convictions, my principles that are so traditional but I do not just take it for granted. I value myself and I’m doing everything that I can for my name not to be stained. I never begged for love and it’s so hard to tell him that I love him.

I do love him.

I don’t know where it all started. I fell in-between our laughters, our own moments and how sweet you can actually be without even trying. I fell because you cared too well. I don’t know what or how or whatever.

I just fell.

You became a part of me and I choose to be just your friend. I admit that I get jealous. I get jealous when I knew you’re together because I knew how much she loves you. I love you so much I just don’t know if you love me as well. I’ll not assume unless it’s stated even though I can feel it.

I know you like me.

I know you value me.

I hope you’ll choose me.  😦

It’s Complicated.

He values what she feels if ever we’ll be together.
He cares that we’re friends.

It’s so complicated.

 
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Posted by on December 19, 2013 in journal, life, Life Blog

 

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10/04 – Day 315: Special…

Not special someone but the special one. 😀

He’s special to me and that is what matters most.

What makes him special?

He’s someone who makes me smile, someone who makes me feel real and someone who believes in me especially during the times that I don’t even believe in myself. I love the way his eyes gleam whenever I do something amusing and I love it when we just talk about random things and never get tired of talking.

He also helped me unconsciously in forgetting someone that I really like for almost a year and a half. I won’t say that I don’t love him, that would be hypocrisy. But what I know is that I am scared. I am still scared of commitments, I am still scared of being in a relationship and the complication it can brings. I really don’t know but I am just enjoying this type of friendship. I know he’s special but what matters most is that I am his friend.

Thank you so much for believing in me. Thank you for the good times. Thank you for helping me in letting go of someone I wanted to love for almost a year. Thank you for making me believe in second chances… Thank you for being you whenever I am around. Please forgive me if you think I am running away from you but there are choices I need to make in order to stop the confusion that builds within me. I want to be your friend, just a friend because you’re someone I really want to keep forever. I don’t know what the future brings but what I know is that… there are so many possibilities. 🙂

 
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Posted by on October 28, 2012 in life, Life Blog, people

 

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