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Only You Can Save Yourself.

Only You Can Save Yourself.

People like me is pretty much hard to understand and I won’t deny that. It’s not easy to make me talk unless I am very comfortable with you. I am not the loudest person in the room for I am associated as the quiet one, the one who simply observes and most of the time is on day dreaming mode.

I am not surprised if people would name me names or hate me. Honestly, I don’t give a damn. At this point of my life, I stopped caring on what others would actually say about me. Say whatever you want to say it’s a free world. Opinions do matter if you let it matter. If it’s not essential for your growth then trash it — seriously.

I know who I am (and still evolving, still self discovering).

Time taught me to choose battles that are worth fighting. If it won’t matter 365 days from now then why bother spending 60 seconds of my time worrying about it. I tried my best to understand most people and sometimes too much trust can lead to abuse. And yes, I learned it the hard way. I learned to walk out of toxic friendships and situations.

I chose to be happy.

Through the years I’ve became independent and made big decisions that were life changing. There are days when I looked back on how I’ve struggled on too many things and distractions yet I survived. Countless times of begging to God to take my life because of the tremendous pain that I feel; of all the failures that drowned me; of all the doubts that haunted me; and all the fears that crippled me. It wasn’t an easy feat to stand once again and make the world a better place when I have the option to make it hell for others.

I stopped talking because no one will ever understand. I stopped sharing to a lot of people because I know they won’t take that seriously or worst will just take it against me. Instead, I opened my mind and accepted that it’s just the way it is — people will disappoint you all the time but you can’t whine about it and expect them to shower you with love and kisses. I can’t be too ideal on my relationships to others as much as I also want to be one’s ideal friend. That’s next to impossible, I must say.

Mental health and its horrors are not that easy to talk about in this society full of standards and stereotypes. Talk to people who will surely listen, who will not give you the solution but help you out to be better. Hearing nice words and compliments won’t make a depressed person better, they want to hear that no matter what will happen you’re there on their side of the spectrum. Yeah, you hear me right and that’s also respecting their decision to cease their own life. It’s not your battle and you don’t know what’s going on inside them. You may state your thoughts about the situation but don’t provide solutions and force it. Trust me, don’t. Just don’t.

(pause for a minute)

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.

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Think of a long road trip to nowhere.

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Selfish people will hold you down and will tell you that it’s scary and might probably let you go but with road maps, phone, drawn directions, emergency contact numbers and a handy pepper spray. My point is that they wanted you to be safe. It’s selfish because they simply don’t want to lose you and just want to keep you safe even if you’re too full of the world and want to escape. On the other hand, those who loved deeply will just let you go and will let you enjoy the journey. No trackers, no self defense stuff and probably won’t really require you a knapsack for your clothes. Some people might think that these folks never cared about you but in reality they are the ones who cared more.

What I am saying is that, I grew up in a world full of love and happiness. Too dreamy but it was my reality. My dad is amazing and my mom, although strict is as equally amazing as my father. My uncle who has been supportive and been proud of who I became during my early years was also awesome. They did protect and discipline me yet hold me accountable of my actions/decisions during the whole course of my teenage life. There were days I felt they didn’t even trust me because they sound condescending at times but eventually I realized that they were just afraid that I might get lost in this world full of bad decisions to make.

Even if I am too shy to share my struggles to them, I know that they will support me no matter what and that made me persevered to be better. The trust my parents gave me paved way to me achieving things I never thought of reaching. The goals are growing so as my drive. Depression bottled up inside me for a lot of factors and still haunts me sometimes. Also, losing some of my life’s VIPs just worsen the situation.

Several breakdowns and lone moments were experienced ages ago but I kept going.

I can still recall the days I cried and wished to just simply die. I woke up with a heavy heart and looked at my bedroom wall with suicidal thoughts in mind. It was a lonely journey.

… but also a beautiful one.

Quarter life crisis hit me and the journey of self discovery happened. One fine day when frustrations built up, I booked myself a flight to Cebu. I was 22 then. It was my first time to travel alone and my fear that it will be my last became my nirvana, my sanity break. So, whenever life hits me hard, I go. I go to new places to breathe and explore the world on a different perspective. It makes me feel normal and a totally different person. I am who I am and I am at my happiest.

The beaches were my sanctuary. The blue skies comfort my soul and the sunsets I experienced make me want to live each day a little longer. I am hoping to feel that same moment of awe and gratefulness all over again thus my wanderlust won’t cease to exist.

I never wanted to be understood for I’ve understand that not all will empathise on the choices I made. If I don’t want to be in your circle then I won’t force myself to fit in. I am a free person with an opinionated mind, a mouth who simply shuts up whenever I have nothing good to say ( unless I am drunk or something) and a heart full of love to the broken ones.

I know I cannot save everybody but I still want to save most.

I treat people based on how they treat me and others. I give too many chances to some. I burn bridges and never restore it. I battle fights worth battling and I keep those people of value who’ve prove their worth over time. There are the ones I love to be with and have earned my trust; those who deserve to see my laughters; my crazy side; the one who talks non-stop and jokes around until your stomach hurts. I show myself to those who kept me sane over the years and for friendships that have stood the test of time and transcends wherever we may be.

Lastly, I want to thank people who’ve come and go in my life for you’re those that I exactly need to be in my journey. We may or may not be part of each other’s lives anymore but you folks where the ones I need to grow and be who I am today. I can’t thank you enough( swearing to God I am not being sarcastic). I learned a lot through the years and I’ve been mature in dealing with this. One realization struck me a few months ago though — after all that I’ve been through and all the reckless decisions I made, only I can save myself.

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Posted by on September 2, 2018 in inspirational, life, personal

 

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Outgrowing Yourself, Redefining Life

All of us probably wanted to live a little longer and enjoy this beautiful world but have you ever thought that it’s not actually how long you live but how you make most out of the life you have?

I always wonder what life has to offer me and I know for myself that money ain’t always my sole purpose of existing. It is not the material things that can actually complete me but I know for a fact that it is something inanimate. I seek for a deeper purpose most of the time and I see things differently compared to how others thread their daily lives. We are not born to just exist, we are born to LIVE. 

Today, I wanted to step back and reevaluate my life again after what I have been through this year; all the people I met and realizations that struck me during times that I didn’t actually expect it. I must say, it has been a year full of lessons that made me outgrow who I used to be and be someone I didn’t actually expect. My understanding of my own life became clearer and never have I been prouder to know that I didn’t cut my existence short just because I lose my faith. 

There are times in our lives that we totally do not understand why certain mishaps happen and times that test not just our faith but our totality as a human being. Heartbreaks and frustrations that shattered us to bits and made us experience rock bottom. The demons inside our head that crippled us and made us feel that no matter how we wanted to be better we are deemed to fail. We tried to stand up every time we fall, wiped those tears and even fought back several times than we imagined. Most of the time we continue to move forward, some escape their realities and get haunted later on while few quit life too soon. We have a lot of ways to cope up with what life has to offer but I guess the best way is deciding to outgrow ourselves and be in tune with our own being. 

I remembered Wil Dasovich’s video (click me ——-> Wil Dasovich  ) telling the world of his illness and how he still manages to be positive despite such bad news. I too thought about my own life and how well I lived it. What struck me the most are these questions “How satisfied are you with the way you flipped your life? Have you maximized your experience?” 

My answer? I am halfway there, perhaps.

A good friend once asked me if given a chance would I want to see the future for me to continue moving on with sheer positivity because you already had a glimpse of what is in store for you in the future? Without any doubt I said NO. Tempting as it may be, provided that life will give me a genie that grants wishes such as such I still do not want to see my future. The journey is not as beautiful as it supposed to be if that is the case. I know how I have been ranting too much or even questioning my own existence from my previous blog posts but in my heart I know that there’s a bigger reason behind everything. Every battle is meaningful even if it took me almost a decade or whatever number of years, months, weeks and days to understand. Life has its own way to uncover its meaning and sometimes we realized it late or even unexpectedly. We tend to be too impatient, we demanded too much for answers and even wanted to defy time. We know that no matter how we try to change our own path, our destiny will unravel in its own season and it is for us to fully understand why certain things need to happen for us to appreciate our life a little more.

I wanted to max out my life before life screams time’s up bitch! I wanted others to be better too and not dwell on the negativities. We need to accentuate the positive most of the time because staying sad and depressed will just not make us better. For the nth time, never have I ever wanted to outgrow myself as much as I have wanted it now.

Here are some instances that hinder us to be our better version:

  • We stick to what is convenient and practical even if it kills us inside. 
  • We focus more on our insecurities rather than our strengths.
  • We justify our vices because we say life is too short and ended up being unhealthy and sick later on. 
  • We are so into our social media accounts and it make us feel envious of other people’s lives. Classic feels. 
  • We live the dreams our parents wanted for us and lose our own identity in the process. 
  • We cannot be ourselves because we fear that society might judge us, we usually tend to conform. 
  • We try to stay in a crappy relationship because of the number of years you’ve been together without even realizing that instead of growing together you are already growing apart. 
  • We force ourselves to be someone in order to prove those who’ve hurt us that we are actually better only to end up being too frustrated because we are doing it to boost our pride but will still make us feel empty in the end.  
  • We focus too much in our future not experiencing what today has to offer.
  • We choose not to be happy because we think that we do not deserve it. It can be an event, things we wanted or even a person to love. 
  • We sulk into miseries instead of looking at the bigger picture.
  • We blame others or circumstances why we are unsatisfied with our life or why we are where we are right now. 
  • We pretend that we are fine because it is the image that we project to others. They think you got it all figured out.
  • We choose to be in the safer side of the spectrum and not taking any risk because of fear and the odds might not be in our favor.
  • We enter into a relationship because we are lonely and worst, sometimes we are fine being just the third party because we feel that we are loved and it feeds our satisfaction. Only to know later on that you hindered yourself from people that can actually make you their priority. 
  • We have a couple of hang ups that keep on haunting us as years go by. It would be best to face it rather than run from it.
  • We keep ourselves too busy and preoccupied because reality bites but actually we forgot about the little things — a smile from an innocent kid,a beautiful sunset, morning dew drops, breathing and a chance each day to be the person we wanted to be. 
  • We predetermined our future and tried to wire our minds to it without even realizing that life has its own way to surprise us. 
  • We do not have an abundant mindset.

The list is actually limited because there are thousands of reasons that made us chase pavements instead of exploring our sole existence as human beings and that is again to grow as time passes by or maybe towards a bigger purpose not yet defined. 

Purpose, here we go again. Some people already got their lives figured out while some is still in the process. My existence revolves in knowing what will fill the void that I feel inside of me. I am calming my own storms as years pass by. I know that when I look in the mirror I saw someone who is willing to leave everything behind and live the life she wanted. I got gazillions of plans and I only have a limited time. While I am young and strong, I will keep on choosing whatever will make me happy. Life is too short to drink a crappy wine, listen to a crappy song, eating a crappy food, being in The crappy relationship, hanging out with crappy people who drains your energy and be in your crappy comfort zone. 

Live and be an inspiration.

Live and believe.

Live and love. 

Choose what makes you happy. Choose whoever makes you happy. Let go of people you love so much even if it hurts especially if you no longer see a better future with them. The toughest thing I did is to finally let go of everything I hold on to for the past years to make room for something better. I am a bigger person now by choosing my battles wisely. I am closing one chapter of my life and is starting to redefine it.To quote Wil Dasovich: “As you age, you will come to a realization that you will be disappointed with the things you didn’t do than the things you did do.”

Indeed, it is not the years in your life but the life in your years.

Every day can be a brand new start for all of us. It’s about time.

 
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Posted by on August 27, 2017 in personal

 

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Resonated Thoughts. 

I looked at myself in the mirror and how I’ve grown mature over the years. I remembered how much of a battle it is to face adulthood with myself as the best go to person I have. I’ve gone through series of successes and failures who made me wiser and should I say not tough towards myself. 

As I look closely, I wondered how I am still alone. I can see the loneliness of my soul haunting me like a demon, lurking quietly and is about to consume my sunshine anytime. He is there, waiting for the right moment. I suddenly fear all the happy times I have lately for I know it comes with a price. It seems that everything has been too superficial and that happiness is just a fleeting moment; nothing indeed lasts. 

I touched the mirror, no creases emerged from my face though there’s a tingling sensation in my hands. I feel like I’m being burned by my thoughts. The memories became so clear and I realized how f*ck up I am. My life, all of these are just a thing in the moment but deep inside I crave for more…  I long for happiness that will last. I long for conversations that last for hours. I long for someone who’ll be there for me this time. I’ve been saving broken souls only to find out that in the process of fixing and changing other people I’ve lost myself. I thought it’s love, I thought I’m the heroin… I am not. I suddenly became the villain of my own life.  I screwed myself for praying and hoping that he’s the one but I ended up breaking my own soul to hating myself for not being strong enough to fight the complications. I thought I’m strong but I’m not. 

I let go of the mirror. I bowed my head and looked again. I saw a beautiful face. I saw myself accepting her flaws and how her frailty actually strengthened the every fiber of her being. It’s a work in progress.  She flipped her hair confidently knowing she is better now.  I am better now despite the loneliness, despite the cravings, despite the fear of not achieving my dreams and despite the challenges. One day at a time I remind myself. 

One beautiful day at a time. 

My thoughts resonating as alcohol fully subsided. I don’t know why I wanted to write about this but I hope somehow, someone will be inspired to not give up on life and just seize the moment. We are incomplete. We are lost. We are lonely but we need to live. We got to… 

We have to.;)

 
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Posted by on January 30, 2017 in personal

 

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03/23 – Day9: What Makes God Smile?

Today, I am actually feeling crazier than I used to. It’s like feeling mad with actually no reason to or maybe just feeling a little annoyed by someone. I had great dreams for the past 2 days already, thank you Lord my comprehensive exam is over I can now focused back with my life and my work which I am no longer so interested unlike before. It’s not hell, it’s limbo… I am a troubled soul. All I want is to forget but how? How can I forget if where I am right now reminds me of a love I don’t think I deserve. The past week, I feel so free and I realized that it’s hard yet I am able to forget because I don’t see him, I don’t get to talk to him then I can be that cold person I used to be. I am normal not the person I am in the office. I am that dreamy person wishing that maybe someday he’ll change and be more mature but I guess I was wrong and I need to be totally awaken by my delusions. He is not willing to tell me those words I wanted to hear and actions are just mainly crappy because assumptions my dear is just the root of all fucked ups. Geez. I am sorry, this is just me. With this, I know I am not making God smile. I am so sorry, God. I am such a disappointment.

Moving on to my reflections on my ninth day in this spiritual journey, we all need to make God smile with the things that we do. There are 5 ways to make God smile. Here you go:

  1. God smiles when we love him supremely. 
  2. God smiles when we trust him completely.
  3. God smiles when we obey him whole-heartedly.
  4. God smiles when we praise him and thank him continuously.
  5. God smiles when we use our abilities.

Never cease to make God smile. Aside from loving a person, love God above all else because he rewards those who loved him with all their heart and soul. My life is a little bit jaded right now but I will completely trust God even if there are times when my life doesn’t make sense at all. I have this faith that if I lay all my plans to God, he’ll work it all out and do what is really best for me. I will just continue to obey his words completely and exactly. With God, I should have no rooms for doubts and regrets. I will also not stop on thanking God for bringing out the best in me all the time and enjoy what he has done in my life. I could never repay the goodness he have showered upon me.

Thank you and I hope I made you smile no matter how crazy I can be.

May the Lord smile upon you…” Numbers 6:25 (NLT)

Last request… Lord, while you are working on the succeeding chapters of my life, can you help me sort out my love life too. I wish to find someone who will be able to cope up with my madness. Open my eyes to the realities, I need you to help me out in my decisions. Thy will be done.

 
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Posted by on March 23, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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03/22 – Day 8: Planned For God’s Pleasure

It is true, we are planned for God’s own delight. He takes pleasure in everything that we do and we should also remind ourselves of that. God intended us to live in this world because not just he want us to glorify him alone but for us to take care of his creations. We should enjoy our stay on Earth and bring that enjoyment to God because that is our purpose. We need to worship God everyday. We need to thank him for our lives. Worshiping God do not necessarily mean that we sing it, that we go to the church every time but it’s about recalling God in everything that we do. It is not about music, not about a tune — it is a lifestyle. Anything that you do that glorifies God is an act of worship.

 
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Posted by on March 22, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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03/21 – Day 7: The Reason For Everything

Everything comes from God alone. Everything lives by his power and everything is for his glory.” Romans 11:36 (LB)

The glory of God is who he is. 

We are God’s creation an I must say that we should bring God the glory that he deserves. To whom are you going to live your life for? Is it for your dreams? I hope not. We live for a greater reason and not for just fulfilling our dreams alone. Believe, I won’t cease believing in you my God because I know that you know what you are doing. I want to continue to feel your presence in my every day life and continue to bless me with the wisdom that I need to understand that my life is meant for eternity and you are the ultimate reason why I exist. I will continue to believe and trust in your power. I will continue to worship you by never ceasing to thank you for all the blessings you’ve given me. My heart shouts all my glory to you and may your will be done. Let’s bring glory to God by worshiping him all the time, by loving his creations, by becoming more like Christ, by serving others with our talents and lastly by telling others that he exist, that he is God that loves. Now that you know the reason for everything, I hope that just like me you’ll live your life all for the glory of God.

Have a blessed Sunday everyone!

Note: Late post because I was not able to charge my laptop due to power interruption for 14 hours. 😦

 
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Posted by on March 22, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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03/19 – Day 5: Seeing Life From God’s View

Life is all about test and trust.

Verse to Remember: “Unless you are faithful in small matters, you won’t be faithful in large ones.” – Luke 16:10a (NLT)

I must say that all I want in life is to travel, to be happy and simply enjoy it while I have it. Day 5 of my 40-day journey to a purpose driven life made me aware about viewing life through God’s eyes. I would certainly agree that my life is a series of test. God didn’t spare me when it comes to difficult challenges, challenges that I never thought I will be able to overcome. I did – thanks a lot to him because of my strong faith and belief that he will never forsake me during tough times. All the challenges were significant in shaping me for my own betterment. I thank him again because he did not give up on me and for the wisdom he endowed that aid me in fully understanding the things that have happen in my life. It was all for the greater cause and I must say, he never gave tests that one cannot handle.

“God keeps his promise, and he will not allow you to be tested beyond your power to remain firm; at the time you are put to the test he will give you the strength to endure it, and so provide you with a way out.”

God is simply awesome, a life-saver.

My all-time favorite word aside from ‘chill’ would be ‘endure’. With God, I have endured life’s challenges and emerged victorious, strong and happy.

A piece of advice to the faint-hearted and the lost ones: “Always trust God and his amazing plans so just breathe and enjoy life. Take good care of the things around you, value the people who supports you and love the environment because all of them are part of what God have trusted you, his works. We should never break God’s trust.

Sharing a self – reminder that moved me for years since the last time I read the Purpose Driven Life book: “Those who are trusted with something valuable must show that they are worthy of that trust.”

I don’t want to break anyone even God’s trust in me as much as possible because I know how difficult it is to be earned again once lost. I value people who shares to me their secrets because it is also a challenge for one to share a piece of themselves to others. I too am a person with trust issues and I rarely open up to people whom I don’t fully trust because that’s just simply how I am.

The challenge that we should always remember:

The more God gives you, the more responsible he expects you to be.”  — It’s just like that old cliché line of my favorite superhero… “With great power comes great responsibilities”.

Bon Nuit. I need to focus myself as tomorrow will be my comprehensive exam. TTFN.

 
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Posted by on March 19, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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