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Coffee Diary. 

Almost 2am and I can’t sleep. 

My mind is such a terrible place at this hour and has been calmed down by caffeine for the mean time. I spent my night tossing and turning on my bed forcing myself to sleep but it didn’t happen. Minutes of dozing off and my brain cells are then wired up for some analysis of life’s events. It’s a little bit terrifying when it starts to rehash memories and try to puzzle out stuff that I should not worry about. I just locked my demons back to where it belongs to and I can say I’m fine or at least I believe I am. I am pretty much aware that all the summer feels were gone and my life revolves from gloomy to stormy. I can see the sun once in a while but clouds kept on covering all the sunrays. 

I’m still trying to convince myself that I don’t need medical attention for my depression. I think I’m fine. I know I’m not but at least I’m not suicidal… well not yet. Every day is such a challenge especially if my mind starts to drift. I always daydream though to survive each day but I turned into a hopeless person from a person full of sunshine. 

I guess I need a break. 

I guess I will be fine. 

Keep going as they say… so that’s what I’ll do, go on. Be strong. Pray. Lean on God. 

I love God and I know everything will be fine if I put my trust in him. 😊

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Posted by on October 11, 2017 in personal

 

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Midsummer Thoughts.

In between my daily routine I usually find myself daydreaming. My mind wanders around to nowhere thinking if I am not who I an today then probably I am a celebrity with a busy schedule, a young female pilot envied by many or a poet whose books are ought to read and cried by the faint-hearted. I guess I have a lot of things going in my mind when I wanted to escape my reality.

Some may wonder what more can I ask for. I mean I seem to be chill and knows how to manage my life, my time and people. Honestly, I am not what most people think I am. My sanity revolves around being insane most of the time. I escaped the pangs of my demons now sealed somewhere in my brain — they are controlled by my rational side, imprisoned by my choices not to succumb into pure despair that would result to pretty much a dumb decision. 

I am still not the happiest person. Last time I check, I’m still sad but not the kind of sad that makes me cry for hours thinking how miserable my life is. Just that kind of sadness when you look at around you and you’re all alone to face each day. 

Months ago, I let go of the unreciprocated love I had for years. It was perhaps my best decision because it opened my eyes to various realities that made me better. It was so intoxicating that forgetting him was so refreshing. All the vines that suffocated me slowly lose their grip and withered because I no longer fed it with my selfish hopes. I know letting go is a strength I never knew I had. I lose my own meaning because I thought I existed because of him. I hoped someday he’ll realized it all — that I am worth it. I got tired, I felt so stupid letting people consume me instead of loving myself alone. I should not have relied to others to complete me, I should be complete without anyone and that is who I am now.

I looked at myself in the mirror knowing that I am better than ever. I scanned what’s left in me, everything seems to be fine except that sinking hole I feel. It was a pit full of fears. I convinced myself I am fine and I know I am but fear reminds me that despite my strength and confidence to take the world, I still fear to live my life alone. I rationalize this with a fact that people are social creatures so they need people to survive. I know I got no problem with socializing but I guess the fear is not having anyone to love as my own. It’s been a while since the last time I my heart was preoccupied. I loved too long with false hopes in between but today I love no one at all. 

Maturity mixed​ with reality made me assume less and let life happen. I no longer feel the butterflies, the hopes and all those magical feelings. I only see busy roads, crowded streets and people living. I only have reality, a reality that I am alone with my aging mom; a work that pays my needs and a life that I don’t actually understand if will make sense someday. Reality bites me and every day I drift to survive looking forward for the next payday or travel plans just to spice up my own boredom.

Life has nothing special going and I envy those who may be poor but is complete knowing they have a family to love and hold. 

As I walked into the crowded mall, I wonder what if people have thought bubbles popping while they walk… I wonder what’s mine.

The loneliness seeping into my veins is not yet intoxicating because probably this is what I really deserve. My end of day thoughts and what I’ll do next day keeps me busy to realize that what I need right now is probably a dose of madness — I once have now lost.

Life they say is full of surprises and today my life is at plateau. Nothing special going just sleep, work, eat and repeat kind of life. I got friends, I got a job and I am healthy. My mother is now better so what more can I ask for right? If this is the life I’ll be having for the next years, I wish to end it anytime soon because boredom sucks. I guess complacency in life still bores me.

I’ll daydream and dream to survive each day. I was reminded after my solo trip that life is still worth living. I know it is — how long will I believe it is is the question? Probably after life will surprise me again.
What’s​ in store life? What’s up?

 
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Posted by on May 1, 2017 in Thoughts Brewery

 

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Are We Who We Seem To Be​?

In a lifetime, how many times have we wished that we can be someone else? I cannot recount those moments when I stare blankly dreaming I am someone or somewhere else. If only I can do something about it in a snap I would. It’s not that I’m not satisfied of who I am but it feels nice to let the life you desire flash before your eyes like a montage.

We always try to be someone else in our dreams.

or be somewhere else far from our own reality

Lately I’ve been watching Thirteen Reasons Why, a book by Jay Asher turned into a Netflix TV series. It’s about a girl who committed suicide because of people she considered her friends turned out to be her frustrations. She slit her wrists and bled herself to death in the bathroom leaving box of mixtapes that rehashed her pains that caused by this thirteen people — the reasons why she ended her own life. Those mixtapes are being passed on from one to the other, such a dreadful act to recall how you became such an ass in someone’s life. It’s like being haunted not just by her voice but your memories with her. Hannah, you’re such a tough act to follow. Kudos!

I wonder what if I’m Hannah Baker? What if I try to put myself on her shoes? Well, I don’t know how to die as much as I wanted to die but the thought on how I’ll going to die terrifies me. What she did is another tough act to follow. I am actually halfway through finishing the episodes and even if I read the book I already forgotten some of the characters. I want to Google the other reasons but I think I’ll leave it this way — how I relate myself to the current episode I’m watching. 

I got my own Clay Jensen once in my entire existence, he is my ultimate frustration. Probably I’m assuming but thanks Clay for the great  memories. I wish I got you on Dollar Valentines. He was always there, saving me from my own disgrace or probably be with me during times when I want to waste my life during late night weekends. He’ll always be my awkward friend.

I had my own Justin Foley who lured me into believing he likes me but left me hanging. Short-lived story I don’t want to remember — ever.

Several Alex Standall whom I considered my friends but stood me up when I needed them the most or I don’t know maybe there are things unexplained and they’re just gone in my life.

There goes my own Courtney who is so nice and pretty as it seems but a total bitch. She does not accept herself as she is and would just want to pretend that she’s so sweet, smart and caring.

Got no stalker like Tyler, famous friend like Jessica and rapist like Bryce but these kind of people surely exist in other people’s life montage.

Well I am popularly known to be the good kid, student leader and miss diligent in her studies. I got to enjoy being a student leader since high school and being president of some organizations gave me that pride and should I say bragging rights. Certificates, medals and awards did not make me love my life more. It was an add on, something worthwhile but not my life purpose. Knowing you represented your school once in a district quiz bee, conference and whatever that makes your school proud to have you makes you walk like a boss but inside I feel empty. I know, I had my fair share of what Marcus life was. I can actually relate to each character revealed in the episodes I’m watching. I too can be a Tony, someone who keeps a lot of secrets and torn between something. 

Well, these kind of people exist not just in Hannah Baker’s life but also ours. Probably they are not named like the ones I mentioned but their personalities surely match. I am exasperated as much as I am interested in human behavior. How frustrating it is seeing people acting as they seem to be but actually not in real life. I then start to wonder what’s going on in their minds. How we unconsciously affect others knowing we always pretend we are okay when we are definitely not or sometimes we project our frustration to others even the ones we love. We wear masks that suit us each day because we have an image to protect.

Commonly, I am misunderstood.

It’s not actually surprising because I am pretty much aware of it. I don’t bother to explain myself, so say what you want to say as long as I know the truth I’m pretty much fine. I can be Hannah’s reason of dying and on the other hand I can be Hannah. I mean everyone of us felt being not enough or being judged but unlike Hannah I’m not giving up on assholes. I’ll end my life because I can’t find any reason for living not because of those people who bullied and belittled me. F*ck you bitches!(Sorry for the language kids.)

As my reality drifts and my subconscious dreams takeover my mind, I came across a simple realization — face your nightmares head on. I mean, my reality sucks but I got to face each of it to test my strength but of course I need to know myself better. It’s what I call power — beautifully drawn from my core.

There are days when I hate talking and explaining myself and there are days when I want to socialize with other humans. I pick whom I want to be with because I rather be alone than be with a group that I don’t like, people whose vibes don’t match mine. I easily blend  in but it’s tiring sometimes so I choose my crowd, wisely. Ambiverts are like that, I guess.

My hate is at the same levels with my hope in humanity. Just like Hannah I want to have friends, friends that would actually understand me and won’t hesitate to tell me my shortcomings. We are social creatures, we hate being alone because being alone with our thoughts can sometimes make one a memory — like Hannah. Suicide is real. It’s not just something one does to seek for attention, they do it because they no longer find meaning in their existence. You got to hold on to anything that will make you feel alive, that will keep you alive. 

My life and who I am is something. I mean we should be proud of who we are right? We’re not bad people or sometimes we are not aware that we are being mean to others. In my case, either I’m aware or I’m not — mostly I am. I can’t change the way I am especially to those people who I know is up for no good in my life. People who are total pretenders and people who talks about others in a bad light. In my case, I hate lying because of course I need to cope up with my lies which is a total stress so I rather hear the truth than sugarcoat stuff. Of course there are white lies, lies you tell to save lives. Ahmmmm…. That didn’t sound right but you get my point.

So the point here is that we are not what we seem to be. We dream to be someone else. We wish to be somewhere else. We want to be with someone but scared the shit out of us to admit it. We are all pretenders. We are all actors and actresses. We all have our own darkest secrets we don’t want to be revealed because we have a reputation. We have images we want to project. We are who we are because we wanted to be who we are, well at least be someone likeable in the eyes of society. Our skeletons are all waiting to be revealed or probably not but then again who has no secrets in this world?

Be strong my friend. We screwed our lives several times. People hurt and rejected us but we can’t dwell on all those reasons why we should end our life. People who suffered from depression are beautiful people, the strongest ones I know. We battle demons who enticed us to end each suffering we feel but choosing to live despite everything is admirable. Death is not an escape but facing our realities, the complexities this life has to offer and all those detours to our dream path lead us to greater heights. A path that actually made all the scars a beautiful reminder that no matter what we survived life. We are warriors. Life warriors who victoriously fought our crazy selves. The self we hide because we are afraid of being judged.The side that nobody might learn to love. The side that we hate.

I watched the sun as it sets while I’m inside a bus on my way home. The crimson skies slowly made me back to my own reality. Welcome back, Sharon! 

 
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Posted by on April 14, 2017 in personal

 

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03/16 – Day 2: You Are Not An Accident

Source: http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jfTKMeG-LgA/Th3A9L2UnDI/AAAAAAAAAEo/GJfuFhLIcdw/s1600/accident.jpg

A poem by Russell Kelfer as published in the book sums up Day 2 of my Purpose Driven Life journey:

You are who you are for a reason.

You’re part of an intricate plan

You’re a precious and perfect unique design,

Called God’s special woman or man.

 

You look like you look for a reason.

Our God made no mistake.

He knit you together within the womb,

You’re just what he wanted to make.

 

The parents you had were the ones he chose,

And no matter how you may feel,

They were custom-designed with God’s plan in mind,

And they bear the Master’s seal.

 

No, that trauma you faced was not easy.

And God wept that it hurt you so;

But it was allowed to shape your heart

So that into his likeness you’d grow.

 

You are who you are for a reason,

You’ve been formed by the Master’s rod.

You are who you are, beloved,

Because there is a God!

Day 2 of my 40-day journey to get closer to God is actually my favorite topic. It reminds me that I am not an accident. It is a touching realization knowing that God planned everything, he planned me even if my parents did not plan me at all. God planned me and I am blessed because his love is unfathomable yet fundamentally reliable. He made me into who he intended me to be and I am happy being me. I used to feel insecure about myself even considering my life to be a little dysfunctional but I guess as years pass by I have grown into a more mature and self-aware individual. I love myself despite my weaknesses and insecurities, it took me an ample amount of time to fully embrace myself and turn my weaknesses into opportunities to be better. I thank God again for leading the way.

We need to be constantly reminded that we are here for a reason, reasons we don’t totally understand but we don’t need to question God’s plan. We are here with a purpose, time will unravel everything. In the future, our past will finally make sense and we will all be thankful that God intricately shaped us into someone he wanted us to be. Indeed, things that are happening to us didn’t happen by chance, it was all planned out even if sometimes we believe in chances and in fate. We just didn’t know that sole fact – that nothing in our lives were arbitrary.

I thank God for loving me as his child. I thank him because he planned me. I thank him because he is a merciful and loving God. Love indeed is the essence of his character and we should always, always remember that.

Love yourself because you are a symbol of God’s love. Albert Einstein once said: “God doesn’t play dice.

Source: http://www.freeheartday.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/you-are-not-an-accident-640×350.jpg

 
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Posted by on March 16, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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The Love Surge.

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I don’t want to be geeky today except I decided to be a little cheesy before I start reviewing for my comprehensive exams. I know I am slacking off right now just because my thoughts are actually bothering me big time. Here’s what I’ve been up to for the past hour, thinking of finally quitting my job before the year ends to rediscover the world, to be who I wanted to be… as what I have always dream of except that in the deepest corners of my heart lies that truth, I just cannot go and leave my daily routine for a lot of reasons and that reason is… YOU.

I don’t want to write about you.

I don’t want the world to know about you.

But I can’t help it… you are the strongest force that is currently inside me,  you are whirling around in my mind like an insane typhoon daunting people and your magnitude is too high that my heart can be shattered into pieces. You are one strong force that actually changed the course of my life.

You are the best and can be the worst thing ever happened to me.

You.

You.

You and your craziness.

You and your weirdness.

You.

You make me write in reasons I actually don’t know.

You just make me write, make me rekindle back my old high school self who is inlove with sheer poetry.

You make me see things beautifully, always on a lighter note.

You don’t know how life changing you can be, you don’t know how an independent and free-spirited kid suddenly thrived into you. I don’t know what happened but this crazy force is totally gives me a certain high. You, my friend made me believe in love all over again. You made me start over again. You made me whole again after 12 years of not believing, of hoping, of hating… You and only  a crazy guy like you made me fix my shit and believe in forever once more.

I see a kid, young, lost and free in your eyes. I don’t know what is running in your mind when you look at me because I am a complete shit whose life I cannot even fix asap. I am running in circles, stuck in this world, contemplating about my life and simply not knowing where to start. I hope you learn to love this young girl who despite the challenges she is facing is still smiling. I hope you will see that this girl wants to have someone who will save her from her own wilderness, together they will save the world – they will save each other.

You.

I want you to be with me in this crazy life. Us, watching the sunset together arguing what food to eat. Us, running around like kids and finishing each other sentences. Us, believing in each other’s prowess and loving life like we used to. Together, we can be a great team. If you only know how much I love you. You know how I put  up all the walls  and be strong for all these years but you make me think twice most of the time. With you, I feel real, I can be myself comfortably except for those times when I am with your friends and I feel so awkward I prayed that the world will just eat me alive. You made me feel all the emotions I never felt before. You are the greatest if not the best feeling I have ever felt before.

Let me daydream for a while.

Let me believe that this is a great chance for me to be happy.

Let me believe that we have a future.

Let me hold on to this daydream before I decide to let go of the present and start my life all over again away from my daily routine… a fresh start, without the people I used to have in my life, without the work I have since graduation, without the life I choose to live.

Let me decide this time as wisely as possible… to hold on or to finally let go.

I want you to be the influential person who can change the course of my life

 
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Posted by on March 15, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Afternoon Thoughts

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I hope I will find a guy who would actually say these damn words to me. 🙂

I spent my Sunday night thinking, not that it is something unusual because I do that most of the time but it is just a little different though due to the fact that I am thinking about marriage and having a family of my own. The idea actually sickens me. I guess I am not ready to have a baby or even get married. I feel so weird when I imagine myself having those baby bump and worst having a live baby inside my tummy — that freaked me out and I voluntarily forced out the idea in my mind.

At 25, I have thoughts of having a relationship but I guess I am still not ready yet. I think I have a lot of things to do first before committing myself to something that will actually changed my life forever. For a free-spirited kid, I don’t think I will be able to endure that kind of life, well for now, I am really sure of that. I kept on telling myself that I am totally weird and that only few people understands my ambivert kind of personality. I am fully aware of my mood swings to the point that I can actually yell at people when I am extremely mad  but I am proud to say that I am always in  control of everything. I haven’t yell or scream at anybody yet. Thank you, God again for the gift of patience. I practice control in every situation no matter how panicky I can be within. Domineering, yes I am.

I thank the people who are nice to me, people who understands how weird I can be especially if I hate to socialize and lastly people who gained my aloof trust. I am quite difficult, FYI. I have trust issues, I rarely trust people with everything and I hate talking about my sort of kind of dysfunctional life to others. Anything random stuffs, I do share that but not my personal shits.

I am seriously bummed out of my life. I know how it is getting haywire and I am basically stress of all the deadlines to meet yet I am still an ass sleeping my weekend away. I have been sober for a month already, not that I am highlighting my drinking habits because again I can live without Jack Daniels and Don Papa. I can live without beer, rum and soda but never coffee. I became self-destructing after a big family problem I encountered last year. I became a slacker while I am working on my graduate school subjects and I became a happy kid because I dared to to be carefree and decided to live my life the YOLO way. Well, the downside of all this hullabaloos are the following:

  • no savings
  • tactlessness when intoxicated
  • tactlessness in blogging especially when intoxicated
  • no savings
  • NO SAVINGS

It’s not really something though except that for emergency cases, I am screwed.

Anyways, I am changing myself back to my old maid ways. I probably need to have my life redefined after graduate school so instead of blogging  my Monday thoughts here perhaps, I’ll start planning out my corporate study so that I will be able to defend it before the month ends. Oh God, help me out here.

Now for my love sick self, since I am aware that a boy won’t actually define me, I guess it would  be best to say that someday I will be able to find someone who will just make me feel ready for everything, for family, for motherhood and for marriage. I am not closing my door and definitely open for all the endless possibilities life has to offer. For now, let me get myself back to reality as I have deadlines to meet. TTFN.

 
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Posted by on March 9, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Yey March!

Finally it’s March and I am happy that the chummy month of February is now OVER! There were a lot of times when I really wanted to pour my heart out and write my thoughts but I was able to control it except of course on sending letters to my future self which is really interesting. Imagine that day in the future when you received a letter dated years ago just trying to check if you are fine or not and then realizations sink in to your system, some you’ll laugh at how pity your problems can be and some will make you realized that you were a champion. So here I am, blogging my thoughts just because… I want to cry, want to whine yeah I am indeed a frustrated drama actress. I looked at myself in the mirror then asked what’s next? What’s next to you Carol?

I don’t really know except that I am bit stressed of school works, deadlines, friggin’ sales target at work, a love life inspired by famous abstract painters yeah that kind of love life when you don’t even know, the other person doesn’t know and the world keeps on speculating what is going on with you two and you have that scientific explanation that even I am a little doubtful of that crazy fact — FRIENDS.

Great, isn’t it great?! It is great… I really look so great.

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Anyways, I am no longer a Valentine scrooge, I forgot that life of mine this year yet the emptiness is kind of daunting. I know I have decided to walk away from my past and I have moved on totally from him but I guess that was a good kind of bitterness that keeps me from believing that someday someone will save me from those emotions, it did happen and I am still in need of saving.

Being single is not really a problem to me… I am used to that. I cannot even imagine myself being too sweet, chummy, coo-ing, cuddling whatever… It’s not really me. I am crazy, I would admit that but I am never born sweet and expressive. I am independent, proud and firm. I want the world to see me as someone who is utterly positive, charming, friendly and the likes but never sweet. I want to but I feel so awkward. It kinda frustrates me though when I can’t even tell people how much they mean to me, when hugging my mom seems to be really awkward and saying I love you makes me sick. I am weird.

I can’t even say I love you straight. I can say Ilabyu, I wabyu… blah blah blah but not I love you or maybe I did say that before to my mom or to that someone but I can no longer recall how it felt. Today I want to throw bottles and cry my heart out for this personal frustration or there are days when I want to feed myself with alcohol and curse myself for drinking too much. I am planning to retire from my own drinking sprees. I am in control of my actions but I am a bit tired of YOLO-ing anymore. I am chill, funny, intimidating to some potential boys because of my achievements but definitely crazy and frustratingly single for some apparent reasons — I am not ready yet or maybe I am not really interesting and the worst reason I heard from a close friend was my standards in life.

I may appear to have standards, independent, achiever, smart whatever… but I am just a lost soul enjoying life. I don’t find myself pretty, just average. I am not even smart. I am not independent, because it takes a lot of monologues to convince myself to do something and I am not an achiever, I am a slacker too… I just do what it needs to be done. PERIOD. Despite the image I project or maybe people can actually relate to that that we do have our own weaknesses, those traits we rather keep to ourselves. I too have my own weaknesses to share. I survived life despite the many challenges I encountered, I survived each day after crying myself out of frustrations, of whining multiple times why some people are annoying, of why I love someone but I cannot even be sweet to him that I cannot even tell him how he actually means to me and how I am fully aware that I sometimes do stupid things for him, try to be with him when he’s with his friends who are cool and rich and whatever while I am someone who’s insecurities are being shrugged off for sanity purposes. I don’t think I will actually fit into his world for Christ sake. His world and my world — a total mismatch. If only burning bridges is an easy act, I could have done it already years ago when things are less too complicated unlike now.

So, to young lost souls out there… don’t fret. You are actually not alone. Life is still full of surprises so don’t lose that hope — you badly need that to live and just simply trust God’s perfect timing. Yep… I really hope this will make sense someday as what I have always prayed. I hope I can find someone who would just kidnap me and show me the world. I want a man who would tell me I am weak and that not all the time I am strong as what I am projecting to the world, I want a man who would change my perception of love and would make me believe that I am awesome. I think this love I feel right now is going haywire. This is not actually what I want, a love that makes you guess on what’s next or is there really a next? damn it.

I need to stop blogging, I can now feel my heart out — not a good sign.

 
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Posted by on March 1, 2015 in life

 

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