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How it has been so far?

I wanted to control my urge to write but I guess some feelings need to be vent out again for me to feel a little better.

I cut my hair recently.

I unfollowed my ex-friend in Tumblr.

I stopped caring.

Life was a bit simpler this past week and I can say I am back to my old sarcastic and half-witty self. I can now manage to see him without the desire to strangle him and scream what is wrong but I am actually still have my mood swings once in a while. I am still taming my monster side. Just when I thought I am able to manage my anger very well… oh yeah, I am back to square one. I am still my old self. 😲

I hate being mad because things become disastrous. I cannot stop myself from yelling or screaming or I have no idea what I can actually do. I actually prefer to cry instead of throwing something towards that person. I also walk away before I can hurt anyone. Anger does more harm than good.

I must admit I miss him but I am still wondering on the root cause of the sudden change in behavior. I have theories in mind but it won’t lead me into a concrete reason why he became indifferent. I asked myself, is it something I said? The text? What? I won’t assume that he loves me and plainly being confused or assume that he hates me because we are able to text each other after. He knows how I hate bullshit stuff and what he’s doing to me is actually bullshit at its finest. I can deal with the harsh truth than be stuck in a limbo of assumptions.

I was fighting for my feelings. I am shrugging it off because I fear rejection and commitment. I fear the pain that love brings. I fear too much attachment only to realized I lured myself into my own grave. I brought my fears into life and I am battling it right now. He was not my ideal guy but he complimented my brains and made me trust someone completely which rarely happens by the way. I got trust issues but with him I can be my ugly wasted self without caring what he might think of me. I am now writing this part with a heavy heart because I miss my bestfriend. I miss the random talks, foodtrips and laughtrips. It is so hard to be alright and accept that our friendship ended with a big question mark.

My pride tells me to stop reaching out and let things happen as they are meant to happen. I stopped chasing for answers and instead set a stupid timeline. I give you the space you wanted. I realized that I can actually survive without you. You know that feeling when you wanted to share a story and you are the first one who comes into my mind? I wanted to share it to you then we will laugh and forget about the stress we feel at work. I badly control myself not to ping you because my pride tells me that if you want to really talk to me you could have pinged me already weeks ago but you did not. You choose not to and I choose to let go.

I just think it is still unfair of you not telling me though. I guess I am not even worth an explanation.

I shrugged off my feelings because I still cling into that idea that maybe I will find someone who is as hot like Doug Kramer, as smart as Marc Nelson, as God-fearing as Paul Soriano, as cool as Drew Arellano, as handsome as Marlon Stockinger and as amazing as my father. I got this high standards when it comes to relationship only to realize that I have been shrugging my feelings for someone who is not even close to my ideals but complimented me in ways I can no longer explain. You are indeed my greatest nightmare dressed like a daydream. You are so much to take in. I wanted a man but I got a 30-year old boy who still does not know what he really wants in life. I know I deserve someone better as what our friends say but I still empathize with you. I fear your fears. I fear commitment. I fear being attached to you and be in an actual relationship because I am so afraid of your world. I do not know how to fit into it when I am the laidback type. I am low maintenance and the simple things can actually make me happy. I know our financial status is way different since I am the heir of my family’s financial problems. I grew up rich and suffered bankruptcy when I was 19. Life was never easy back then. I had my own issues to fix and my pride tells me that I need to be established first. I seek for a long term relationship. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with someone and not just enter into something half-baked. I prayed for that moment. I prayed hard.

We need to probably sort things out while we are sober and be honest about our fears and feelings. We cannot totally escape this by not talking and pretending one does not exist. I want to give the space you wanted before I totally confront you. This ain’t cool in dealing with life issues. I will never attain the peace I wanted with a hanging chapter in my life.

It’s still a blurry path to the unknown. Work exhausts me and I cannot help but displaced my anger to my supervisor who keeps on nagging us. I want to actually be blunt and just tell him that his ideas are sometimes stupid. I got raging hormones to deal with each day and I do not f*ckingly know how to be chill except of course if I choose to walk away and eat out at dawn alone. I need a break.

That’s it.

😀πŸ˜₯😧

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Posted by on August 11, 2015 in life

 

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The Friendzone.

I cannot just forget you. It’s like a disease that I am constantly battling hoping I will be cured anytime soon. Every day I keep asking myself about us… is there really such thing as forever? Prolly yes, prolly no.

I want to forget you because it hurts too bad already. It sucks to be a meantime girl not knowing her place in your own damn world. I am running desperate in finding ways to simply forget all the care that I feel inside me towards you. I hate it when you start explaining when I wanted to ignore you. My life suddenly revolves in a world where you are part of. It sucks to always spend time with you because I become too dependent of your presence. We are not together. We are not lovers. We are just friends — best of friends perhaps but again we are not lovers.

Blogging has been my therapy and this post makes me want to throw up because I am fully aware of how stupid I can be yet I let myself be so stupid. If only you were able to see my reaction. I wanted to ignore you earlier and let the day pass by not talking. It’s just too stupid of me of actually waiting for your stupid reply if we’ll eat or not when in fact it’s never been an issue if I’m alone or whatever. Things with you are quite different it scares me big time. I hate caring too much because I know how it feels to be totally broken and forsaken. God forbids, I don’t want it to happen again. I don’t want to spend another 7 years of my life rehashing everything that have happened and limit myself from finding someone who can actually save me from my own demons. Oh well.

Again, I’m stuck in a gigantic maze trying to figure my way out. I am not even worth those words I wanted to hear from youΒ since time immemorial. I am the amazing friend who will never leave him behind no matter how I wanted to. This friendzone thing really drives me nuts but I guess this is really how it supposed to be. I remembered how I felt too guilty not telling you when someone invited me for lunch — I should not even feel that way because I am single and not even committed to anyone, to you. I can do whatever I want to do. I am actually free just pretending to be not. I am not making myself available to others hoping what we currently have may evolve into something a bit cheesier. Yeah right.

You are my nightmare dressed like a daydream. You are the sweetest kind of pain I am willing to endure because you make me happy.

I just want you to tell me straight that you can’t love me, that you hate me, that I cannot be your girlfriend, that I am just the best friend anyone can actually have whatever… kindly do me a favor, please break my heart as early as now. Marry someone, crushed me into pieces before I am too old to realize that I am waiting for someone who is actually not ready to be mine and not even proud to have me.

Enough said.

 
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Posted by on May 30, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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12/08: Being at Home

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This are the days when I start to hate my work because I no longer have all the time to spend at home except of course for sleeping. I am now gathering all the words that I can get in my mind within 15 minutes because I need to prepare for work.

My work requires me to chat with customers and fix their mobile applications and home security. It’s a business-process outsourcing company, one of the leading companies in the Philippines and I owe my graduate studies to them because I availed their educational assistance program. The operations is 24/7 and my shift starts at 12am to 9am.  How cool is that?  Yeah right.
I’m glad to be at home today even if I spent most of my time in my room feeling the remnants of my flu crippling me. I hate that I’m sick for the past few days because of the changing weather that I was not able to do a lot of things. My body just can’t take it anymore but I do have no choice. I still need to go to work and school. 

I feel shit , I mean sick.

Anyways, today I must say is still awesome. I just need a few minutes to feel my existence at home.

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Check out little Christmas Tree!  πŸ™‚

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And how happy we used to be… I miss Dad  and how healthy Mama was. This picture was taken 20 Decembers ago.

Love,

Chillerspot ❀

 
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Posted by on December 8, 2013 in journal, life, Life Blog, list

 

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12/03: Being Alone

I stumbled upon an anonymous quote online few days ago which states “The best way to be happy with someone is to learn to be happy alone that way the company will be a matter of choice and not necessity.

This was so true that I reblogged the quote on my Instagram and Tumblr account.

Most people nowadays seem to be swooned with the idea that you need to have someone to take care of you and that being alone can sometimes be pathetic. I used to feel that way, I must admit.

It’s pathetic to eat alone because others may think that your date stood you up.
It’s pathetic to watch movies alone because who watch movies in cinemas alone? It’s scary and creepy sitting alone in the dark wherein any moment there’s someone who’ll just inject you something and you woke up the next day with HIV — one of the worst thing that can happen in a movie theatre. It’s pathetic to travel alone because people might think you’re heart broken and simply needs to wander alone to find yourself.

People can sometimes conform to what society thinks. Unfortunately, I’m not part of the majority.

For the past few years, I learned to love myself. I was a hopeless romantic behind my tough demeanor. I used to ask why I love someone who doesn’t love me back and why can’t I love those who love me. It’s been one hell of a depressing cycle. Oh well, it’s over now.

Today, I’ve never been happier and comfortable with myself. I realized that I am my own competition. I accepted my flaws and worked on my insecurities.

December 3 and I’m celebrating my life alone but definitely not lonely. I treated myself in a nearby hotel just because I want to. As what Paulo Coehlo said, “Do whatever you decide to do, but make sure that it makes you happy. ”

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Embrace your awesomeness my dear and learn to be a little bit nice to yourself. 

Much love,

Chillerspot Β©

 
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Posted by on December 3, 2013 in journal, life, Life Blog, list, people, writing

 

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04/14 – Day 143: Walking on Sunshine

I am walking on sunshine. Strolling to a familiar place and feeling like a stranger all over again, It gave me time to think about random things that have been happening in my life. I surely love walking alone as it gives me time to ponder about my existence in this world – yep, that’s how deep I can be on my not so normal days. ahaha πŸ™‚

 
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Posted by on April 22, 2012 in life

 

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02/29 – Day 98: February Ends with a Beng!

Today, I decided to do all the things that I want to do especially if I am travelling and the only difference is that I am still in my hometown. I tried to go to the mall and shop, relax by having a spa date with myself, discover a new coffee haven in the middle of the busy streets of Bacolod and just enjoyed the life of being alone and being a stranger in a very familiar place.

FilRus coffee bar offers Krispy Kreme donuts! I remembered how badly we craved for KK since we do not have one store here and everything is just based on orders and reservations which is so tedious. I bought couple of boxes when I went to Manila just to suffice my cravings last January but then this coffee bar offers it how exciting as I already know a place where I can go to when I craved for KK donuts. Anyways, let’s go back on what made this day awesome. I realized that by being alone, it really gave me a lot of time to think and appreciate myself more.

I will try to check out all the coffee bars in Bacolod — I shall add this on my Bucket List. So far I have been to the following:

  1. FilRus
  2. Bob’s
  3. Piettro
  4. Kuppa
  5. Felicias
  6. Starbucks
  7. Dunkin Donuts
  8. Mc Donalds
  9. Buglas
  10. O’Hotel
  11. Business Inn
  12. Miren
  13. C’s
  14. Calea
  15. Bascon Cafe
  16. Seattle’s Best in Manila
  17. Organic Restaurant
  18. Museum Cafe

Hmmm… I am still thinking of places where I can have coffee and chill that I may not have listed. Any suggestions of the best coffee bars in Negros?

 

So far, I love the chill atmosphere in Buglas and Starbucks. The fastest wi-fi connection can be found at Filrus and the laidback ambiance of Piettro, Felicias and Kuppa. Coffee love… indeed. The best way to distress is to chill alone and think things over while sipping the best macchiatto or frappe ever! πŸ™‚

Happy end of February to Me! β™₯

Time to celebrate… February is soooo over. Month of hearts is finally over, I am so back to being happy! πŸ™‚

 
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Posted by on March 5, 2012 in drink, food, life

 

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