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The Harsh Reality.

The Harsh Reality.

Have you tried to kick your skeletons back because it has been misplaced in your closet? I did.

I used to be good at this, pretending that life is fine. I remembered how hard I kept on taming my demons when it haunt me and winning the battle is not an easy one. My thoughts cannot easily be controlled and today is one of those days when I just want to stop existing.

I know I will figure this out before I do something stupid but there are voices that keeps on reminding me how inadequate I can be. This might be the problem for people who spent their whole lives chasing stupid dreams and believing that stupid happy endings exist. Maybe when you give life a chance again to unravel its beauty that is also its cue to take you down. I understand how reality works, I never learned at all.

Three months after that day, I puzzled the remaining pieces of my life. Confused on what to do and feeling more than a garbage, I booked a solo trip. I figured my life out in Manila. I walked around a strange city in a posh metropolis. When I got back home, I swear I never have been happier. I thought my demons will no longer haunt me. I thought I will be okay for long and I guess I was wrong.

I looked at myself in the mirror earlier today and saw a 27-year old fucked up. Empty. Lonely. Broken. Nothing. A Nobody.  I can see my soul staring blankly, what did I do to deserve this life? What did I do wrong?

 In this life, it is either you are good enough or not enough at all. You try to fit in between extremes but you cannot. You still end up feeling inadequate. I know this are just pent up emotions from the past. Maybe I haven’t totally moved on at all, maybe I am still trapped inside a mindset that drags me down. These are all hang ups from the past that I just kicked inside without even fixing. It is not being broken hearted. It is about my own self-esteem.

I know for a fact that nobody will love me more than a friend. I am pretty much aware that people like me because of various reasons. I am likeable not loved. I heard a lot of stupid reasons why I deserve this and that. Maybe he is not yet being born. Maybe he is still a work in progress. Maybe your prince got lost in the woods or trapped inside a castle by the evil witch. I suck at romance. I haven’t experienced a real date. I am too guarded and when I started to care my mind is starting to panic. I fear that I will end up being broken but I always end that way. What breaks me are the memories. It will always remind me that I am not enough or too good enough for someone. I know it’s a lame reason but it scratches all those scars open. It leaves me too much pain to endure. If there is a way to end it easily I will. How ironic it is right now for I’ve written a lot about depression and how to overcome it then here I am now planning on a graceful exit. 

I just cannot do it no matter how I badly wanted it. I compensate on things I am good at to balanced my emotions but all the things I have achieved cannot suffice the feeling of inadequacy. The loneliness that paralyzes your effectiveness as a person. It losses my focus. This illness is terrible.

Sometimes I wonder why I am thinking like this because this should not be a problem if I program my mind to think positively. I always try to be positive. I always want to be better but a part of me is too broken that once triggered can be too intoxicating. It kills me within.

I might regret this post but words have always been therapeutic to the soul. I hope to find hope for no words can ease out what I feel. When it comes to matters of the heart, I am too vulnerable because it holds a large chunk of my insecurities. Maybe I can still wait for someday but I hope I can still hold on. I am tired of being smart. Tired of being good. Maybe it would have been better if I was reckless and wasted for men would want to save damsels in distress. Maybe it is okay to be vulnerable to people. Maybe they will try saving me. All these maybes. All these what ifs. All these stupidities.

I am not inlove. 

I wanted to know if my gut feel is right contrary to what my overthinking mind is saying.

I was right and that was the cue for my demons… I will never be enough for anyone. People like me does not deserve happy endings. This is my reality. 

I should live with that… until when will I live and learn? 

 
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Posted by on July 30, 2017 in personal

 

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Unseen. Untold. Uncovered.

โ€‹Linkin Park

What goes in your mind when you hear the band name? Numb? In the end? Leave out all the rest? What I’ve Done? Depression? Suicide? A lot of great songs that made my high school to college life saner. Finally a band that sang my life anthems. They sang my thoughts and cradled my demons to sleep. I love most of their songs especially the non electro rock ones. 

They remind me of what I exactly feel and see — darkness. 

Source: Chester Charles Bennington ( March 20, 1976 – July 20, 2017 ) 

It’s in the news and social media recently that Chester Bennington their lead vocalist died because of suicide. Another warrior who chose to let his shield down and got carried away by his own demons. It is sad but people like us understands. This life has no way out when you keep on waiting for God except if you decide to end it too soon. I guess those who survives will continue and those who quitted, God bless their souls. 

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
And don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest”

Linkin Park – Leave Out All The Rest

Leave Out All The Rest

Depression can be deadly. It also kills the people that values you. Do not make yourself a memory if there is still a chance for you to make greater memories while living. 

********************************************

I had a casual conversation with my best pal yesterday about life, suicide and depression. I thanked him for being there and for understanding my own demons. I met these people during my darkest until I found myself again. I fought it victoriously few months ago when I decided to go away for 5 days and engaged myself in a solo trip in Luzon. I did everything alone and tried to feel how great it is to live away from your comfort zone. It was life changing and I have few takeaways from that amazing trip. It made me feel alive again. The purpose why we exist is a difficult question to answer but you need to have a tough mind to absorb what life has to offer. I got to figure it all out slowly but nevertheless I am on the right track.
Not all people understand depression and how crooked all the wires in our head can be. I am grateful to find people who listens and understands… who accepted me and loved every fiber of my madness. I am not very open to share my life because not all people get what I am going through. I am not tough, I am too vulnerable and I easily get too attached to people who trust me and vice versa. I fear to be in situation when I am giving all that I am and they will just reject my efforts and my feelings. I get so attached to people who I know needs me. 

 
Going back to our conversation, not seeking for help is too selfish. I agree, totally! Not all people can be like me who always choose to live by watching videos about coping up with depression, praying, travelling and writing. Some die. Few lives. Not all understand that suicide can be selfish, not all understand how it will affect the people around them — people who values them. We want to die because we think life no longer have meaning for us but we don’t see how we can affect our parents, our family and friends. We want to escape our demons who control us because we could not see ourself the way others see us. We are blinded by thoughts we created in our minds. We are overthinkers and overdoers. We see ourselves as failures, a nobody and useless. We need to talk things out. We need to verbalize our feelings so that our friends would understand and that is the greatest decision I have made — to share my plans of killing myself because I cannot take it anymore. Crying helps. Beer helps. Talking saves.

(This song pretty much sums up what I feel)

“Should’ve stayed, were there signs, I ignored?

Can I help you, not to hurt, anymore?
We saw brilliance, when the world, was asleep
There are things that we can have, but can’t keep.
If they say

Who cares if one more light goes out?
In the sky of a million stars
It flickers, flickers
Who cares when someone’s time runs out?
If a moment is all we are
Or quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out?

Well I do.

The reminders, pull the floor from your feet
In the kitchen, one more chair than you need, oh
And you’re angry, and you should be, it’s not fair
Just ’cause you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it, isn’t there.”

One More Light – Linkin Park

One More Light

I do. I’ve been there. I totally do care.

*********************************************
Honesty is necessary and sometimes it is just so tough to admit that we are weak. I am guilty of that and I am blessed to have few friends who can bluntly tell me how selfish I can be and that I am a person of value in their lives. I am stubborn. I am destroying my own life because of my thoughts and my feelings. This life should be taken easily. Wherever you are right now is probably where you should be. Stop listening to people’s opinions of you because you need to be in tune of yourself. The only opinion that matters is yours and yours alone. Admit that you are a failure and who cares? Everyone at some point in their lives, fail. I know I am a failure. I know I have hurt people. I know I have offended someone. I know I am an asshole. I know I am not beautiful. I know that nobody loves me as a lover. I know I cannot depend on people all the time because they can be a disappointment.We think that we should all conform to what the society needs. I suck. We suck. Who cares? Only you care about it, so why not change how our brains are wired. It is a process, a slow progress.

Spend time alone to think on what you can do to help yourself. 

I only got myself and I owe it to myself to be better each day because when all else fails, I still have ME.

**********************************************

We cannot see our value because we are blinded by our own darkness.

We keep our demons in places we only see. Why not let them dance with people of value in our lives. 

We need to discover our strengths, our weaknesses through various opportunities and set backs that we need to face each day.

Life is damn short and being with our own demons seem to be forever but always choose to be better. 


Choose to live.

 
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Posted by on July 29, 2017 in personal

 

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She Wolf.

My heart is full and I would want to write my thoughts but I got a problem though, it’s hard to express it all in plain sentences so I opted to use metaphors in describing what I feel. I just need to write it before I burst into pieces, devour my thoughts for it feed me too long enough to take my sanity away.

I would want to take this opportunity to raise a toast to the broken ones who no longer had hope in love. I’m too broken to believe anymore.

The night is too young as of the moment but I’m daydreaming my own darkness whilst I’m all alone in a beach watching the full moon as it casts its light to everything that surrounds me. I can feel the eerieness but I am born alpha, no fear of the unknown. 

The chill runs down my spine and I wanted the darkness to eat me… slowly, until nothing is left. I want to escape the pangs of being alone in a beautiful night only to realized that I’m immune to the feeling. 

A broken wolf no longer believes that the morning will come. She looks at the moon and cry, cry until no sound can be heard from her. All those cries can be heard from a nearby town and sending goosebumps to everyone. You can feel its pain, a dying hope totally drowned by miseries. She howls to the Moon who’s million miles away from her, the moon who gave her light is also the moon that takes away his hope in certain days. The moon that is shy on certain days and would just leave a smirk in the sky. The moon she longs for is the moon that shines bright to other creatures of the night.

—————————–

I opened my eyes only to see sheer beauty. The darkness invaded me and I am comforted by the shadows of trees behind me. I continue to watch the moon from the horizon assuring me that I’ll be fine. 

I guess I will be fine. I will be fine without you. Without anyone. Don’t give me the light when you don’t plan to stay. Don’t disturb me for I will not be moved. 

I am a broken piece of the past and no one can restore me. I ripped my soul and my heart for my words. My words are my pride and my soul died too many times to believe that there’s hope in love. 

Au revoir. ๐Ÿบ

 
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Posted by on June 20, 2017 in personal

 

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Rants and Bottled Feelings.

My life seems to be so rudimentary that I usually know how to end and start it. It’s always a series of fortunate and unfortunate events and tests of faith that started way back when my innocence in life got stained by realities. I live a so-so life with pretty much nothing exciting to talk about except of course my rants about life, my work, love gone to heaven so as the fragments of my hope in humanity. Media made me hate those extremists whose causes I don’t actually get. Taxes that suck my hope in our government. Multiple work mails I need to reply. My chaotic mind with a lot of dreams yet still I’m stuck in my own comfort zone who pretty much sucks up my remaining hope in myself. Of course, I get paid but yeah — I still live beyond limits without using my full potential. 

It’s another day of rants so please forgive me.

My mind is such a terrible place to be in. Everyday I get to experience various weather like feels. Sometimes it’s sunny where I tend to have positive thoughts or days when my lurkers start to suck up all the positive ions and left me with undesirable thoughts that can be intoxicating sometimes. Today, I just feel like eating my favorite pie somewhere and talk about nonsense.

As I grow older, people come and people just go. Sometimes we all wish old friends will make time when you’re in dire need of someone but geez I’m not the Hannah Baker type who lashes out in mixtapes how my friends disappointed me big time. It’s just how it is. You just got to live life and be appreciative of people who remembers you and understand those who can’t make time. 


As I tried to be normal at home, I suddenly miss how rowdy it used to be. I missed watching news with my uncle and talk about it during dinner. Pepper is usually hyperactive so we both need to tone her down. Our cat who would just sit in our laps and my mom asking what the news is all about is the typical 6pm scene. Those sepia images of our life before daunted me while I’m drinking beer on a work day and instead of feeling sentimental, I felt surreal. 

I wonder what this home will be like couple of years from now. Will I be alone watching TV with popcorn, chips and beer because I rather be drunk than feel the misery? Will I be with my mom still and live like today? Will I be somewhere else wondering what have happened to our used to be home? The thoughts are too much to bear. I can’t live alone but I can’t leave… Either way it both sucks but I might need to plan everything out before it’s too late.

Work will still be something I need to do to live my wants. I am tired living the employee life and studying much on how to be a better entrepreneur. I need my mind to work and I need growth. I need a life away from the four corners of this corporate world.

I feel so dysfunctional. It’s not the usual routine 12 months ago but what I’m doing each day starts to feel so familiar. I don’t know how my heart functions today especially to the things it used to do or even feel. I started not to care about the world, not to hope, not to assume and not to feel. I’ve totally succumbed into the DGAF mindset. Everything seems to be driven by logic and reasons which pretty much bores me. I’m losing the substance of my own thoughts when I try to write about what I deeply feel — the unwritten chapters now bothering and it’s hard to express what my soul resonates. My mind dies as my heart passionately writes nothing. It’s the killer silence, the panacea of my being.

Until that day comes… 

End. 

 
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Posted by on June 7, 2017 in personal

 

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Things I Learned From My Mom

Things I Learned From My Mom

Of all the millions of people in the world, we are given two people who brought us to be who we are as of the very moment — our parents. Most of us if given a chance would want to live a different life. If I can change the story of my life I would want my dad to live longer and with both parents a little younger because how happy life could be to travel with the two most valuable people of my life. If only I can live my life again, I’ll do anything to make that dream a reality.

I haven’t write that much about my mom for quite some time. I don’t want to be so melodramatic but it’s time for you guys to know this and probably learn a thing or two. Mother’s day is so overrated and saying I love you seems to be so awkward but I guess it’s just the way it is in our household. I know we love each other but we’re not so vocal about it. Same goes in every person I deal with that are special to me.

I want to share to everyone what I learned from my mother after all these years in various aspects of my life because I know you’ll be inspired and probably think about what you learned from your mom too. Please do share it for the world to see. Comment your link so I can see it too. ๐Ÿ™‚

On Choices.

My mom would always tell me to enjoy my life no matter what. She never meddles in my decisions especially during college on what course I will take. She never convinced me to take up nursing even if half of my classmates choose to be nurses and even if her friends would tell her that it would be better if I will be a nurse someday. I once heard my mom talking to her friends that she will just let me choose whatever I want because she does not want to be blamed if I fail. I am so happy that she trusts me and never ceases to be proud of who I am regardless of what decisions I’ve made. Every achievements, every medals and awards I have is all for her. 

On Traveling.

My parents love long drives and going to beaches. They are always out of town during summer and always make time to unwind as a couple to various places. My mom used to tell me to travel while I’m single because once I get married priorities will change. I should also travel with my husband to know more about him and to rekindle the love especially if both of you are too preoccupied with your work. Today, I travel a lot to places whether I am alone or with friends. Every adventure has a beautiful memory to remember and that’s what my mom taught me, to create memories while I can through various adventures. We need to travel to experience life and share to others how beautiful this world we are living in.

On Love.

Mom had my dad when she’s already 37. She accepted the fact that she’ll be a spinster and already prepared for that kind of life until she met an old guy, a retired lieutenant colonel who works in Clark Airbase as a flight instructor. She never liked my dad even after they dated for quite some time but this guy is so persistent. He drives his Mustang and blows his horn each day in front of my mom’s boutique just to say hi until they had the chance to talk. Several dates after and my mom fell in love ( I assume) especially after my dad’s mom wrote her a letter stating that she’ll take care of my dad because she is his world now. It was a May-December love affair and that my dad is a separated guy in the US with one son. It was too much to take but she did. My mom will always tell me not to rush in finding the love of my life. Find someone who loves you more than you love him. 

On Enemies.

I can say my mom is pretty much a war freak because when she hears someone talking behind her back she tends to confront that person and worst hurt that person. She used to tell me stories about how she kicked someone ass, bruised someone’s eye and bled someone’s nose. It’s so physical that I cannot imagine be in that situation. Thanks to my dad’s control and patience I am not like my mother. My mom would tell me that nobody is allowed to make one less so I should always stand up on what is right and never let anyone put me down even if takes a God-damned fight. I should always defend myself especially if they are spreading rumors and false accusations. If it’s your fault apologize and if it’s not, don’t let any bastards put your self-esteem down.

On Challenges.

Life will always surprise as with many challenges that can actually make or break us. My mom had a fair share of God’s test that made her the strongest person I know. She was not able to finish college because my grandfather casted her out of their home because she doesn’t like her stepmom. She went to Manila and live with her older sister and survived on her own. My mom is street-smart and knows how to manage her time and money. She persevered despite the numerous test of faith she needs to surpass but it made her better. She is so strong because I cannot even think how I can survive if I was in her shoes. After my dad died, my mom took all the responsibilities and gave me the life I  wanted. She sacrificed a lot for me even her most  precious jewelries just for  me to finish college and buy me computer. She let go  of things she love just for someone whom she values most. I  will forever be indebted to her and I will be forever grateful that I got an awesome mom. She will always tell me to be strong no matter what because I can no longer depend on anyone except myself. 

 On Faith.

God always make us face ordeals that are too much to bear but we always survive as what Kelly Clarkson says “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. My mom never questioned God and her faith in him is never stained. We are deists, we don’t go to church every Sunday nor follow traditions but our faith in our Supreme Being will always be there. Our faith in God’s will keep us alive. My mom would always tell me to pray and believe that God will always provide the answers and what we pray for in time. Trust God all the time no matter what.

On Being Me.

My mom is well respected not because of any degrees or whatever but because she exhibit that confidence in her whenever she walks around. Her aura tells people around that she demands to be respected. I don’t know if it’s just the way I see her when I was a child but my mom is not just beautiful but also formal. I never see her laughing boisterously. She exhibits elegance when in a huge crowd and I’m deeply insecure of how she can manage to be so prim and proper while I’m… not like her. She’s a woman who’s conservative and flirting with boys is not necessary just to grab attention. A man, if she likes you will climb mountains just to have you. I am wondering where on Earth does she exhibit that kind of mindset but in all honesty she attracts the right kind of people. I guess my way of thinking about love, lust and sex is influenced by her. I should be in control of my body and just give it to someone who deserves it, someone I truly love. It’s not something we just do just because libido dictates it — it’s an act of love. We need to leave something for ourselves all the time. Our dignity and pride should always be there because people will no longer respect you if you keep on giving them what they want and if you let your guards down just to be happy. My mom always remind me that I need to choose what is right than what makes me happy. Happiness should be pure and not selfish. Happiness is when you chased it without hurting anyone just to fulfill your heart’s desire. My mom always remind me that I’ll be better off alone than be a mistress or a third party in someone’s relationship. I should not be just thinking on how to benefit myself alone, Instead I should be good by choosing what is right all the time because it’s the only thing that would make me sleep peacefully at night.

On Sexuality.

My mom during her teenage days is a tomboy. She hates dresses and always hang out with the boys. She is sporty and adventurous. Plays softball, lawn tennis, table tennis, badminton, squash and golf during her younger days and well versed in handling all kinds of guns. She knows a lot about cars and drink with friends. My mom is a guy’s best pal and her brothers’ favorite sister because she totally understands their whims. I am just like my mom right now except for the sports part because I am geeky compared to her. I prefer to write, read and scribble stuff. Despite my guy like mindset and gestures we are both sure that we are girls. I wanted a man not a woman as a partner and just the thought of  having same sex relationship makes me gag but of course society would tell us that women should wear dresses, prim and proper and all those BS we saw in print ads and TV. Whatever. My mom told me to be who I am regardless what society dictates you to be as long as you are not doing anything to harm others. Be yourself and be secure on what you feel regardless what other people think of you.

 On Finances.

My mom is not a wise spender though but she learned a lot from my father when it comes to managing finances. She buys what she wants and always prefer quality above anything else. Even if it’s expensive she’ll buy it for quality sake. She is not convinced that cheap products can last long. She always choose what is best. She is also preparing long term and would want everything to be secured when the time comes. Our life didn’t turn out to be what she expected but I never saw her panicking when things became rough and lost her investments. She still remained calm and made ways to provide my needs. The quality of the products she bought years ago actually made us surviveโ€‹ during our dark days because we were able to sell it. We lost our cars and jeepneys, almost all of her jewelries and even our home. It’s now my time to take charge and give back. I swear I’ll do anything to fix our life. My mom deserves to live the life she used to live before.

 On Being a Mom.

I am not yet a mother but my mom taught me already to give everything I can to my child. She did it to me and I’m proud of who I became right now. It’s so difficult to have me as a daughter because I rarely talk about my life until I could not take it anymore. It’s purely rants and my negativities can sometimes drain people especially my mom. I don’t rant much about life with my friends but with my mom I do. I realized how draining it can be to listen to someone you consider your life talking about how she hated her life, the life you build for her. I felt so bad today knowing that thought and I hope I can still make up for all the pains I caused her. I know she’s proud of me but I still haven’t told her that I’m still willing to go same ordeal as long as she’s my mom. 

I haven’t told her how much I love her but one thing is for sure, no matter how I wanted to end my life and escape everything… there will always be that one person that makes me want to live and that is you Mama. I will never ever forgive myself if I will just leave you here all alone to face this lifetime. I cannot imagine my life without you and it scares me the most though. Please don’t leave me yet until I find a stronger reason to hold on because if I lose you right now, I’ll pretty much prefer to end it all. Life will be pointless without you in it. You’re all that I have right now. I love you. 

 
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Posted by on May 16, 2017 in inspirational, life

 

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Midsummer Thoughts.

In between my daily routine I usually find myself daydreaming. My mind wanders around to nowhere thinking if I am not who I an today then probably I am a celebrity with a busy schedule, a young female pilot envied by many or a poet whose books are ought to read and cried by the faint-hearted. I guess I have a lot of things going in my mind when I wanted to escape my reality.

Some may wonder what more can I ask for. I mean I seem to be chill and knows how to manage my life, my time and people. Honestly, I am not what most people think I am. My sanity revolves around being insane most of the time. I escaped the pangs of my demons now sealed somewhere in my brain — they are controlled by my rational side, imprisoned by my choices not to succumb into pure despair that would result to pretty much a dumb decision. 

I am still not the happiest person. Last time I check, I’m still sad but not the kind of sad that makes me cry for hours thinking how miserable my life is. Just that kind of sadness when you look at around you and you’re all alone to face each day. 

Months ago, I let go of the unreciprocated love I had for years. It was perhaps my best decision because it opened my eyes to various realities that made me better. It was so intoxicating that forgetting him was so refreshing. All the vines that suffocated me slowly lose their grip and withered because I no longer fed it with my selfish hopes. I know letting go is a strength I never knew I had. I lose my own meaning because I thought I existed because of him. I hoped someday he’ll realized it all — that I am worth it. I got tired, I felt so stupid letting people consume me instead of loving myself alone. I should not have relied to others to complete me, I should be complete without anyone and that is who I am now.

I looked at myself in the mirror knowing that I am better than ever. I scanned what’s left in me, everything seems to be fine except that sinking hole I feel. It was a pit full of fears. I convinced myself I am fine and I know I am but fear reminds me that despite my strength and confidence to take the world, I still fear to live my life alone. I rationalize this with a fact that people are social creatures so they need people to survive. I know I got no problem with socializing but I guess the fear is not having anyone to love as my own. It’s been a while since the last time I my heart was preoccupied. I loved too long with false hopes in between but today I love no one at all. 

Maturity mixedโ€‹ with reality made me assume less and let life happen. I no longer feel the butterflies, the hopes and all those magical feelings. I only see busy roads, crowded streets and people living. I only have reality, a reality that I am alone with my aging mom; a work that pays my needs and a life that I don’t actually understand if will make sense someday. Reality bites me and every day I drift to survive looking forward for the next payday or travel plans just to spice up my own boredom.

Life has nothing special going and I envy those who may be poor but is complete knowing they have a family to love and hold. 

As I walked into the crowded mall, I wonder what if people have thought bubbles popping while they walk… I wonder what’s mine.

The loneliness seeping into my veins is not yet intoxicating because probably this is what I really deserve. My end of day thoughts and what I’ll do next day keeps me busy to realize that what I need right now is probably a dose of madness — I once have now lost.

Life they say is full of surprises and today my life is at plateau. Nothing special going just sleep, work, eat and repeat kind of life. I got friends, I got a job and I am healthy. My mother is now better so what more can I ask for right? If this is the life I’ll be having for the next years, I wish to end it anytime soon because boredom sucks. I guess complacency in life still bores me.

I’ll daydream and dream to survive each day. I was reminded after my solo trip that life is still worth living. I know it is — how long will I believe it is is the question? Probably after life will surprise me again.
What’sโ€‹ in store life? What’s up?

 
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Posted by on May 1, 2017 in Thoughts Brewery

 

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The Haunted.ย 

I woke up with a desire to write my thoughts and prayed that what I feel right now be my reason for living. 

As I squander my thoughts and forcing myself to remember my dreams, I came across a realization — I am still optimistic. It has been weeks of constant wondering and battling my recurring sadness. Depression is something not all people totally understand and I don’t seek to be understood. Some may wonder why people like us suffer from such when the world is actually cruel to others too. All of us have our own demons and we battle it one by one — some end up victorious and some are being dragged to darkness and lose it.  I’m somewhere in between. 

My life has always been in between extremes and I usually open my arms wide and scream to God to take it all away. I usually surrender before I lose the argument of why me of all the people in the world?  Life is such a tease and I’m at my wits end. 

You read articles about depression its causes and how we cope.  You can seek professional help or like my case I battled it alone because I fear to be judge like a psychopath. I don’t need medication, I need an outlet. I kept myself busy reading self-help books trying to find purpose in this life but as days pass by I still feel incomplete. Life is pointless and I don’t actually know why I am still living. I live a routine life, trying to break it once in a while yet all that I am and all that I did is just something dispensable. The world will survive without me. 

Depression for me is not just an illness but a state when you no longer find meaning in everything no matter how beautiful your life is in the eyes of others. You don’t know the battle we constantly face, you don’t know how it feels to live without a purpose. 

As I watch every sunset and sunrise, I long for that day when everything finally makes sense. I long for the day when I’m excited to wake up and live. Every day feels the same, I keep myself busy with work or hangout with great set of friends and I end up alone in my room thinking…  until when will I feel such emptiness? 

I write my thoughts hoping to inspire those who are battling or find people who suffered and survived. I wish not to die without feeling alive. People like me ain’t ordinary. You need to dig deeper, to meet my demons and play with them. I don’t open up to people not because I fear to be judged but because not all understand. I survived it before by not losing my faith and right now I’m breathing because I don’t have a better choice. I hope one day I’ll stumble upon answers to my questions. I hope to fill the cup of madness once again — to live my life like the way it was before adulthood happened,  a life when I’m not haunted by my thoughts and just plainly inspired of what the future may bring. 

 
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Posted by on March 13, 2017 in personal

 

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