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She Wolf.

My heart is full and I would want to write my thoughts but I got a problem though, it’s hard to express it all in plain sentences so I opted to use metaphors in describing what I feel. I just need to write it before I burst into pieces, devour my thoughts for it feed me too long enough to take my sanity away.

I would want to take this opportunity to raise a toast to the broken ones who no longer had hope in love. I’m too broken to believe anymore.

The night is too young as of the moment but I’m daydreaming my own darkness whilst I’m all alone in a beach watching the full moon as it casts its light to everything that surrounds me. I can feel the eerieness but I am born alpha, no fear of the unknown. 

The chill runs down my spine and I wanted the darkness to eat me… slowly, until nothing is left. I want to escape the pangs of being alone in a beautiful night only to realized that I’m immune to the feeling. 

A broken wolf no longer believes that the morning will come. She looks at the moon and cry, cry until no sound can be heard from her. All those cries can be heard from a nearby town and sending goosebumps to everyone. You can feel its pain, a dying hope totally drowned by miseries. She howls to the Moon who’s million miles away from her, the moon who gave her light is also the moon that takes away his hope in certain days. The moon that is shy on certain days and would just leave a smirk in the sky. The moon she longs for is the moon that shines bright to other creatures of the night.

—————————–

I opened my eyes only to see sheer beauty. The darkness invaded me and I am comforted by the shadows of trees behind me. I continue to watch the moon from the horizon assuring me that I’ll be fine. 

I guess I will be fine. I will be fine without you. Without anyone. Don’t give me the light when you don’t plan to stay. Don’t disturb me for I will not be moved. 

I am a broken piece of the past and no one can restore me. I ripped my soul and my heart for my words. My words are my pride and my soul died too many times to believe that there’s hope in love. 

Au revoir. 🐺

 
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Posted by on June 20, 2017 in personal

 

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Rants and Bottled Feelings.

My life seems to be so rudimentary that I usually know how to end and start it. It’s always a series of fortunate and unfortunate events and tests of faith that started way back when my innocence in life got stained by realities. I live a so-so life with pretty much nothing exciting to talk about except of course my rants about life, my work, love gone to heaven so as the fragments of my hope in humanity. Media made me hate those extremists whose causes I don’t actually get. Taxes that suck my hope in our government. Multiple work mails I need to reply. My chaotic mind with a lot of dreams yet still I’m stuck in my own comfort zone who pretty much sucks up my remaining hope in myself. Of course, I get paid but yeah — I still live beyond limits without using my full potential. 

It’s another day of rants so please forgive me.

My mind is such a terrible place to be in. Everyday I get to experience various weather like feels. Sometimes it’s sunny where I tend to have positive thoughts or days when my lurkers start to suck up all the positive ions and left me with undesirable thoughts that can be intoxicating sometimes. Today, I just feel like eating my favorite pie somewhere and talk about nonsense.

As I grow older, people come and people just go. Sometimes we all wish old friends will make time when you’re in dire need of someone but geez I’m not the Hannah Baker type who lashes out in mixtapes how my friends disappointed me big time. It’s just how it is. You just got to live life and be appreciative of people who remembers you and understand those who can’t make time. 


As I tried to be normal at home, I suddenly miss how rowdy it used to be. I missed watching news with my uncle and talk about it during dinner. Pepper is usually hyperactive so we both need to tone her down. Our cat who would just sit in our laps and my mom asking what the news is all about is the typical 6pm scene. Those sepia images of our life before daunted me while I’m drinking beer on a work day and instead of feeling sentimental, I felt surreal. 

I wonder what this home will be like couple of years from now. Will I be alone watching TV with popcorn, chips and beer because I rather be drunk than feel the misery? Will I be with my mom still and live like today? Will I be somewhere else wondering what have happened to our used to be home? The thoughts are too much to bear. I can’t live alone but I can’t leave… Either way it both sucks but I might need to plan everything out before it’s too late.

Work will still be something I need to do to live my wants. I am tired living the employee life and studying much on how to be a better entrepreneur. I need my mind to work and I need growth. I need a life away from the four corners of this corporate world.

I feel so dysfunctional. It’s not the usual routine 12 months ago but what I’m doing each day starts to feel so familiar. I don’t know how my heart functions today especially to the things it used to do or even feel. I started not to care about the world, not to hope, not to assume and not to feel. I’ve totally succumbed into the DGAF mindset. Everything seems to be driven by logic and reasons which pretty much bores me. I’m losing the substance of my own thoughts when I try to write about what I deeply feel — the unwritten chapters now bothering and it’s hard to express what my soul resonates. My mind dies as my heart passionately writes nothing. It’s the killer silence, the panacea of my being.

Until that day comes… 

End. 

 
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Posted by on June 7, 2017 in personal

 

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Things I Learned From My Mom

Things I Learned From My Mom

Of all the millions of people in the world, we are given two people who brought us to be who we are as of the very moment — our parents. Most of us if given a chance would want to live a different life. If I can change the story of my life I would want my dad to live longer and with both parents a little younger because how happy life could be to travel with the two most valuable people of my life. If only I can live my life again, I’ll do anything to make that dream a reality.

I haven’t write that much about my mom for quite some time. I don’t want to be so melodramatic but it’s time for you guys to know this and probably learn a thing or two. Mother’s day is so overrated and saying I love you seems to be so awkward but I guess it’s just the way it is in our household. I know we love each other but we’re not so vocal about it. Same goes in every person I deal with that are special to me.

I want to share to everyone what I learned from my mother after all these years in various aspects of my life because I know you’ll be inspired and probably think about what you learned from your mom too. Please do share it for the world to see. Comment your link so I can see it too. 🙂

On Choices.

My mom would always tell me to enjoy my life no matter what. She never meddles in my decisions especially during college on what course I will take. She never convinced me to take up nursing even if half of my classmates choose to be nurses and even if her friends would tell her that it would be better if I will be a nurse someday. I once heard my mom talking to her friends that she will just let me choose whatever I want because she does not want to be blamed if I fail. I am so happy that she trusts me and never ceases to be proud of who I am regardless of what decisions I’ve made. Every achievements, every medals and awards I have is all for her. 

On Traveling.

My parents love long drives and going to beaches. They are always out of town during summer and always make time to unwind as a couple to various places. My mom used to tell me to travel while I’m single because once I get married priorities will change. I should also travel with my husband to know more about him and to rekindle the love especially if both of you are too preoccupied with your work. Today, I travel a lot to places whether I am alone or with friends. Every adventure has a beautiful memory to remember and that’s what my mom taught me, to create memories while I can through various adventures. We need to travel to experience life and share to others how beautiful this world we are living in.

On Love.

Mom had my dad when she’s already 37. She accepted the fact that she’ll be a spinster and already prepared for that kind of life until she met an old guy, a retired lieutenant colonel who works in Clark Airbase as a flight instructor. She never liked my dad even after they dated for quite some time but this guy is so persistent. He drives his Mustang and blows his horn each day in front of my mom’s boutique just to say hi until they had the chance to talk. Several dates after and my mom fell in love ( I assume) especially after my dad’s mom wrote her a letter stating that she’ll take care of my dad because she is his world now. It was a May-December love affair and that my dad is a separated guy in the US with one son. It was too much to take but she did. My mom will always tell me not to rush in finding the love of my life. Find someone who loves you more than you love him. 

On Enemies.

I can say my mom is pretty much a war freak because when she hears someone talking behind her back she tends to confront that person and worst hurt that person. She used to tell me stories about how she kicked someone ass, bruised someone’s eye and bled someone’s nose. It’s so physical that I cannot imagine be in that situation. Thanks to my dad’s control and patience I am not like my mother. My mom would tell me that nobody is allowed to make one less so I should always stand up on what is right and never let anyone put me down even if takes a God-damned fight. I should always defend myself especially if they are spreading rumors and false accusations. If it’s your fault apologize and if it’s not, don’t let any bastards put your self-esteem down.

On Challenges.

Life will always surprise as with many challenges that can actually make or break us. My mom had a fair share of God’s test that made her the strongest person I know. She was not able to finish college because my grandfather casted her out of their home because she doesn’t like her stepmom. She went to Manila and live with her older sister and survived on her own. My mom is street-smart and knows how to manage her time and money. She persevered despite the numerous test of faith she needs to surpass but it made her better. She is so strong because I cannot even think how I can survive if I was in her shoes. After my dad died, my mom took all the responsibilities and gave me the life I  wanted. She sacrificed a lot for me even her most  precious jewelries just for  me to finish college and buy me computer. She let go  of things she love just for someone whom she values most. I  will forever be indebted to her and I will be forever grateful that I got an awesome mom. She will always tell me to be strong no matter what because I can no longer depend on anyone except myself. 

 On Faith.

God always make us face ordeals that are too much to bear but we always survive as what Kelly Clarkson says “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. My mom never questioned God and her faith in him is never stained. We are deists, we don’t go to church every Sunday nor follow traditions but our faith in our Supreme Being will always be there. Our faith in God’s will keep us alive. My mom would always tell me to pray and believe that God will always provide the answers and what we pray for in time. Trust God all the time no matter what.

On Being Me.

My mom is well respected not because of any degrees or whatever but because she exhibit that confidence in her whenever she walks around. Her aura tells people around that she demands to be respected. I don’t know if it’s just the way I see her when I was a child but my mom is not just beautiful but also formal. I never see her laughing boisterously. She exhibits elegance when in a huge crowd and I’m deeply insecure of how she can manage to be so prim and proper while I’m… not like her. She’s a woman who’s conservative and flirting with boys is not necessary just to grab attention. A man, if she likes you will climb mountains just to have you. I am wondering where on Earth does she exhibit that kind of mindset but in all honesty she attracts the right kind of people. I guess my way of thinking about love, lust and sex is influenced by her. I should be in control of my body and just give it to someone who deserves it, someone I truly love. It’s not something we just do just because libido dictates it — it’s an act of love. We need to leave something for ourselves all the time. Our dignity and pride should always be there because people will no longer respect you if you keep on giving them what they want and if you let your guards down just to be happy. My mom always remind me that I need to choose what is right than what makes me happy. Happiness should be pure and not selfish. Happiness is when you chased it without hurting anyone just to fulfill your heart’s desire. My mom always remind me that I’ll be better off alone than be a mistress or a third party in someone’s relationship. I should not be just thinking on how to benefit myself alone, Instead I should be good by choosing what is right all the time because it’s the only thing that would make me sleep peacefully at night.

On Sexuality.

My mom during her teenage days is a tomboy. She hates dresses and always hang out with the boys. She is sporty and adventurous. Plays softball, lawn tennis, table tennis, badminton, squash and golf during her younger days and well versed in handling all kinds of guns. She knows a lot about cars and drink with friends. My mom is a guy’s best pal and her brothers’ favorite sister because she totally understands their whims. I am just like my mom right now except for the sports part because I am geeky compared to her. I prefer to write, read and scribble stuff. Despite my guy like mindset and gestures we are both sure that we are girls. I wanted a man not a woman as a partner and just the thought of  having same sex relationship makes me gag but of course society would tell us that women should wear dresses, prim and proper and all those BS we saw in print ads and TV. Whatever. My mom told me to be who I am regardless what society dictates you to be as long as you are not doing anything to harm others. Be yourself and be secure on what you feel regardless what other people think of you.

 On Finances.

My mom is not a wise spender though but she learned a lot from my father when it comes to managing finances. She buys what she wants and always prefer quality above anything else. Even if it’s expensive she’ll buy it for quality sake. She is not convinced that cheap products can last long. She always choose what is best. She is also preparing long term and would want everything to be secured when the time comes. Our life didn’t turn out to be what she expected but I never saw her panicking when things became rough and lost her investments. She still remained calm and made ways to provide my needs. The quality of the products she bought years ago actually made us survive​ during our dark days because we were able to sell it. We lost our cars and jeepneys, almost all of her jewelries and even our home. It’s now my time to take charge and give back. I swear I’ll do anything to fix our life. My mom deserves to live the life she used to live before.

 On Being a Mom.

I am not yet a mother but my mom taught me already to give everything I can to my child. She did it to me and I’m proud of who I became right now. It’s so difficult to have me as a daughter because I rarely talk about my life until I could not take it anymore. It’s purely rants and my negativities can sometimes drain people especially my mom. I don’t rant much about life with my friends but with my mom I do. I realized how draining it can be to listen to someone you consider your life talking about how she hated her life, the life you build for her. I felt so bad today knowing that thought and I hope I can still make up for all the pains I caused her. I know she’s proud of me but I still haven’t told her that I’m still willing to go same ordeal as long as she’s my mom. 

I haven’t told her how much I love her but one thing is for sure, no matter how I wanted to end my life and escape everything… there will always be that one person that makes me want to live and that is you Mama. I will never ever forgive myself if I will just leave you here all alone to face this lifetime. I cannot imagine my life without you and it scares me the most though. Please don’t leave me yet until I find a stronger reason to hold on because if I lose you right now, I’ll pretty much prefer to end it all. Life will be pointless without you in it. You’re all that I have right now. I love you. 

 
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Posted by on May 16, 2017 in inspirational, life

 

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Midsummer Thoughts.

In between my daily routine I usually find myself daydreaming. My mind wanders around to nowhere thinking if I am not who I an today then probably I am a celebrity with a busy schedule, a young female pilot envied by many or a poet whose books are ought to read and cried by the faint-hearted. I guess I have a lot of things going in my mind when I wanted to escape my reality.

Some may wonder what more can I ask for. I mean I seem to be chill and knows how to manage my life, my time and people. Honestly, I am not what most people think I am. My sanity revolves around being insane most of the time. I escaped the pangs of my demons now sealed somewhere in my brain — they are controlled by my rational side, imprisoned by my choices not to succumb into pure despair that would result to pretty much a dumb decision. 

I am still not the happiest person. Last time I check, I’m still sad but not the kind of sad that makes me cry for hours thinking how miserable my life is. Just that kind of sadness when you look at around you and you’re all alone to face each day. 

Months ago, I let go of the unreciprocated love I had for years. It was perhaps my best decision because it opened my eyes to various realities that made me better. It was so intoxicating that forgetting him was so refreshing. All the vines that suffocated me slowly lose their grip and withered because I no longer fed it with my selfish hopes. I know letting go is a strength I never knew I had. I lose my own meaning because I thought I existed because of him. I hoped someday he’ll realized it all — that I am worth it. I got tired, I felt so stupid letting people consume me instead of loving myself alone. I should not have relied to others to complete me, I should be complete without anyone and that is who I am now.

I looked at myself in the mirror knowing that I am better than ever. I scanned what’s left in me, everything seems to be fine except that sinking hole I feel. It was a pit full of fears. I convinced myself I am fine and I know I am but fear reminds me that despite my strength and confidence to take the world, I still fear to live my life alone. I rationalize this with a fact that people are social creatures so they need people to survive. I know I got no problem with socializing but I guess the fear is not having anyone to love as my own. It’s been a while since the last time I my heart was preoccupied. I loved too long with false hopes in between but today I love no one at all. 

Maturity mixed​ with reality made me assume less and let life happen. I no longer feel the butterflies, the hopes and all those magical feelings. I only see busy roads, crowded streets and people living. I only have reality, a reality that I am alone with my aging mom; a work that pays my needs and a life that I don’t actually understand if will make sense someday. Reality bites me and every day I drift to survive looking forward for the next payday or travel plans just to spice up my own boredom.

Life has nothing special going and I envy those who may be poor but is complete knowing they have a family to love and hold. 

As I walked into the crowded mall, I wonder what if people have thought bubbles popping while they walk… I wonder what’s mine.

The loneliness seeping into my veins is not yet intoxicating because probably this is what I really deserve. My end of day thoughts and what I’ll do next day keeps me busy to realize that what I need right now is probably a dose of madness — I once have now lost.

Life they say is full of surprises and today my life is at plateau. Nothing special going just sleep, work, eat and repeat kind of life. I got friends, I got a job and I am healthy. My mother is now better so what more can I ask for right? If this is the life I’ll be having for the next years, I wish to end it anytime soon because boredom sucks. I guess complacency in life still bores me.

I’ll daydream and dream to survive each day. I was reminded after my solo trip that life is still worth living. I know it is — how long will I believe it is is the question? Probably after life will surprise me again.
What’s​ in store life? What’s up?

 
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Posted by on May 1, 2017 in Thoughts Brewery

 

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The Haunted. 

I woke up with a desire to write my thoughts and prayed that what I feel right now be my reason for living. 

As I squander my thoughts and forcing myself to remember my dreams, I came across a realization — I am still optimistic. It has been weeks of constant wondering and battling my recurring sadness. Depression is something not all people totally understand and I don’t seek to be understood. Some may wonder why people like us suffer from such when the world is actually cruel to others too. All of us have our own demons and we battle it one by one — some end up victorious and some are being dragged to darkness and lose it.  I’m somewhere in between. 

My life has always been in between extremes and I usually open my arms wide and scream to God to take it all away. I usually surrender before I lose the argument of why me of all the people in the world?  Life is such a tease and I’m at my wits end. 

You read articles about depression its causes and how we cope.  You can seek professional help or like my case I battled it alone because I fear to be judge like a psychopath. I don’t need medication, I need an outlet. I kept myself busy reading self-help books trying to find purpose in this life but as days pass by I still feel incomplete. Life is pointless and I don’t actually know why I am still living. I live a routine life, trying to break it once in a while yet all that I am and all that I did is just something dispensable. The world will survive without me. 

Depression for me is not just an illness but a state when you no longer find meaning in everything no matter how beautiful your life is in the eyes of others. You don’t know the battle we constantly face, you don’t know how it feels to live without a purpose. 

As I watch every sunset and sunrise, I long for that day when everything finally makes sense. I long for the day when I’m excited to wake up and live. Every day feels the same, I keep myself busy with work or hangout with great set of friends and I end up alone in my room thinking…  until when will I feel such emptiness? 

I write my thoughts hoping to inspire those who are battling or find people who suffered and survived. I wish not to die without feeling alive. People like me ain’t ordinary. You need to dig deeper, to meet my demons and play with them. I don’t open up to people not because I fear to be judged but because not all understand. I survived it before by not losing my faith and right now I’m breathing because I don’t have a better choice. I hope one day I’ll stumble upon answers to my questions. I hope to fill the cup of madness once again — to live my life like the way it was before adulthood happened,  a life when I’m not haunted by my thoughts and just plainly inspired of what the future may bring. 

 
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Posted by on March 13, 2017 in personal

 

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Happiness : A Quest


The world did not promise a life without challenges. It is so unfair that sometimes you find yourself sulking in one corner whining why life is so unfair and why you of all the millions of people in the world needs to suffer such ordeal. You chug beers after beers hoping to ease the incompleteness you feel only to end up feeling the same shit all over again. Can we just live a life where dreams can be our reality and everything is just how we imagined to be? 
Probably in a perfect world which is obviously… impossible

According to vocabulary.com happiness is defined as a sense of well-being, joy, or contentment. When people are successful, or safe, or lucky, they feel happiness. The “pursuit of happiness” is something this country is based on, and different people feel happiness for different reasons. Whenever doing something causes happiness, people usually want to do more of it. No one ever complained about feeling too much happiness.

Source: https://www.vocabulary.com/dictionary/happiness

Let’s break it down a little bit further.

Happiness is a sense of well-being. 

When you look at yourself in the mirror do you like what you’re seeing?  

Did you turn to be the person you wanted to be?  

Do you still feel sad when people say bad things about you? 

You wanted a better look and a better body, would you undergo aesthetic surgery just to feel beautiful? 

Happiness is contentment. 

Are you satisfied of what you have right now or do you wish for more? 

Is your house the house you planned out or not?  

Do you have any regrets recently because of some decisions you made? 

Hot guy/gal you recently get along with is way better than your partner, will you take the risk of knowing that person more on a different level even if you’re in a relationship? 

Happiness is success. 

Did you pursue that dream job you wanted since preschool? 

Did you get all the rewards you aimed for while you’re in school? 

Do other people see you as a role model? 

Happiness is being lucky. 

Do you remember the time you won a bet or a game without actually expecting it?

Did a random stranger treat you for something without any reason just because? 

You got the early bird prize and you’re in awe because it’s the first time you came on time.

They say you had beginner’s luck after playing a card game you know nothing about and won three consecutive times. 

Such an amazing feeling,  right? 

Happiness is feeling safe and secure. 

Have you thanked God for keeping you safe during the late nights when you’re alone walking on an alley? 

What do you feel after surviving large waves that can almost capsize the vessel you’re on? 

What do you feel after 3 days of traveling alone and now you’re home? 

You’ve seen your investments and started to build your funds for the future. Isn’t it the best decision you made for years? 

You will get married soon, are you sure he/she is really the one? 

Happiness is something universal, is it? 

What makes me happy may not be the same with other people. The word happy may be something most of us understand but what and who makes us happy vary. It is subjective and affective.  It is one’s perception about life, it is indeed a state of mind. I can be happy whenever I travel — feeling the sands in my feet and watching the sun as it totally sets leaving the horizon with yellow orange watercolor-like splats. Writing stuff without any audience still make me happy because it’s my passion even if others find it boring. I write poems and haiku out of boredom and I feel giddy after because I see my thoughts concealed into words. Earlier I posted questions for every definition of happiness hoping I could answer with a solid yes in the future.  It’s not that I have a crappy life, some things don’t make any sense yet. Happiness is a lot of things for a lot of people and I guess it’s not something universal at all.

Recently I encountered a lot of realizations as I people watch in a nearby café where I work. I looked at the building where I spent almost 7 years of my life thinking when will I finally decide to let go. Career opportunities are steps away and I must say I’m earning good but the light within me is about to fade away. Is this where I really want to be? I still don’t have plan B so better yet stay for the mean time and enjoy the company of people I love to be with. I am still happy but if you ask me if I’m satisfied… without second thought my answer would be NO. There’s this voice inside me that screams, you are made to change lives — to change the world. Next question though will be… HOW

Excitement then fades away. 

Unknown couple pass by while I sip my soup. I then wondered how it feels to have someone who’ll appreciate and accept you for who you are. Someone who’ll text you good morning and good night sleep tight after a tiring day at work. The thought actually cringes me but still made me wonder more. Also, I am wondering how some people would actually still continue to be in a relationship just because they’ve been together for a long time or just because they have kids while love and self-respect are slowly fading away. Some may even try to fix all those indifferences up to the point of accepting one’s cheating acts just to salvage the relationship. It may work but most of the time it fails. I don’t know if it’s just me or what but my take on that would be simple, choose whatever makes you happy. Love sometimes ain’t enough to suffice one’s desire for growth or betterment.If the relationship is no longer healthy and if instead of growing together as better individuals you turned out to be your worst version then it’s about time for you to break away from the stress regardless of the years; regardless of what you’ve sworn in church. God didn’t want you to suffer for the rest of your life thus his gift of reason — for us to choose happiness no matter how selfish others may think it would be.People won’t understand until they get to experience it. 

The gloomy weather is just right for my thoughts as I finished my soup and my other post, Resonated Thoughts. I feel happy after eating my molo soup and felt even happier knowing that I’m able to fluidly write what’s on my mind after a long period of writer’s block. I let my imagination and feelings die for the mean time so that I can get back to my work with a more focus mind. It’s hard to tame my inner Anne Frank when it’s in the mood to scribble her thoughts. 

I realized how different we all are and our definition of happiness is just so interesting. Sometimes we get jealous of others not knowing how much they’ve sacrificed just to attain such achievements or material things. As more people pass by in front of me, I can say that for once in our life everyone deserves to be happy and not judged for any choices we make. 

I can conclude that happiness is a quest. It is our daily struggle that we need to surpass.  It is our day to day journey of finding the answers to life’s daunting questions or it can be our random banter moments with friends. It can be deep or superficial depending on your own personality. It can be a good book, an IG-worthy place, aromatic coffee, old wine or a full 8-hour sleep. Sometimes it may take a lifetime to fully understand life’s meaning or probably another lifetime to prove that happiness do exist even if we’re living in a crappy world. We won’t appreciate such joy if we haven’t shed any tears. Happiness is just like other emotions we feel — it’ll pass, just another moment or another beautiful memory.  It fuels us to go on in search for more of that feeling. It is something addictive as we all wanted to be happy for the rest of our lives. 

If you continue to pursue happiness in your daily life then it will surely brings out the best in this world, Y O U


 
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Posted by on January 31, 2017 in personal

 

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Resonated Thoughts. 

I looked at myself in the mirror and how I’ve grown mature over the years. I remembered how much of a battle it is to face adulthood with myself as the best go to person I have. I’ve gone through series of successes and failures who made me wiser and should I say not tough towards myself. 

As I look closely, I wondered how I am still alone. I can see the loneliness of my soul haunting me like a demon, lurking quietly and is about to consume my sunshine anytime. He is there, waiting for the right moment. I suddenly fear all the happy times I have lately for I know it comes with a price. It seems that everything has been too superficial and that happiness is just a fleeting moment; nothing indeed lasts. 

I touched the mirror, no creases emerged from my face though there’s a tingling sensation in my hands. I feel like I’m being burned by my thoughts. The memories became so clear and I realized how f*ck up I am. My life, all of these are just a thing in the moment but deep inside I crave for more…  I long for happiness that will last. I long for conversations that last for hours. I long for someone who’ll be there for me this time. I’ve been saving broken souls only to find out that in the process of fixing and changing other people I’ve lost myself. I thought it’s love, I thought I’m the heroin… I am not. I suddenly became the villain of my own life.  I screwed myself for praying and hoping that he’s the one but I ended up breaking my own soul to hating myself for not being strong enough to fight the complications. I thought I’m strong but I’m not. 

I let go of the mirror. I bowed my head and looked again. I saw a beautiful face. I saw myself accepting her flaws and how her frailty actually strengthened the every fiber of her being. It’s a work in progress.  She flipped her hair confidently knowing she is better now.  I am better now despite the loneliness, despite the cravings, despite the fear of not achieving my dreams and despite the challenges. One day at a time I remind myself. 

One beautiful day at a time. 

My thoughts resonating as alcohol fully subsided. I don’t know why I wanted to write about this but I hope somehow, someone will be inspired to not give up on life and just seize the moment. We are incomplete. We are lost. We are lonely but we need to live. We got to… 

We have to.;)

 
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Posted by on January 30, 2017 in personal

 

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