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What Depression Looks Like.

P. S. :This post stayed in my drafts for almost a month.

After Chester Bennington took his life, I never have that urged to write again about depression. It is a sensitive topic to talk about because people say a lot of things about it that just hurts me instead of being uplifted. This is actually far worst than any illness. It is your body, your mind that is haunting you and no matter how you want to escape it, it lingers until you find the best solution — death.

Seeing my Twitter feed as celebrities and other personalities talked about Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade’s death, I felt that sudden gush of pain from the left side of my chest. It’s crushing. It’s horrifying. It’s getting real as time passes by that even the wealthy, the great and the renowned are also suffering. We heard a lot of news but we still don’t put too much care about it. It’s either we don’t need to meddle into someone else’s battle, just leave it as it is — a phase in that person’s life he needs to overcome or push him to seek medical help. What if it’s already too late?

Depression does not have a face. It can be anyone, your parents, your sibling, your best friend, your partner or your colleagues. It is that moment when the world no longer excites you and you just want to rest from the agony of existing. The war of emotions, the ultimate decision. Your end.

Take me back years ago when I almost took my own life. I’ve got a lot of issues to face. I bid goodbye to my princess life and got my own dose of reality. I don’t know what to do. It’s hard to let go of that status quo knowing you don’t have money left in the bank. I need to find a living after I graduated college but finding a good job didn’t make me feel any better. A lot of issues rose up and I just don’t know how to deal with it anymore. I even asked God why is he doing this to me when all these years I just did what I can to be better. I never did anything to harm other people, I showed compassion. It was series of breakdowns and lonely nights — a sudden feeling to end it all. I tried to slash my wrist way back in college but just a mere attempt made me feel stupid. This is not how I supposed to end my problems. I tried to think of hanging myself but seeing my uncle and mom gushing over my achievements made me feel guilty. It was a constant battle of the mind and my heart and of people I’ll leave behind. I thought the wanting to die feeling would stop until one day I hit rock bottom. The gun could have save me from the pain I’m feeling that moment but never from the best moments that came after. It was one sunny day when existential crisis hit me. Financial issues and dreams not coming up into realization. I was 24 with quarter life crisis and facing some legal issues for the family. I am exhausted of everything. I remembered texting a friend who said to stop whatever it is that I’m planning to do. We talked about mental health and how he conquered it, I felt better after knowing someone understands. He was 28, I was 24. Alcohol helped me. The constant weekend parties and hang outs, the crazy life juggling between a promotion and graduate school. The mind was too preoccupied to think about suicide.

I thought I’ll be fine…. But it didn’t stop there.

Months passed by and I was able to hurdle it all and I feel accomplished then my uncle who acts as my second dad died. It was devastating.

I embraced my darkness and cooed my demons. I am the happiest friend in the group. The joker, the person full of positivity and life. The one who wears her mask so good that nobody knew about that side that haunts her every night. I stared on my bedroom walls not knowing what will make me feel better and complete. I wonder if others feel this way too every night. It was the emptiness that depresses me, it’s existing without a purpose. It’s surviving each day feeling no sense of accomplishment.

I achieved a lot of things in my student life. I expected more from myself. I invested for myself. I know I got no one else to back myself up. I wrote my pains. I wrote poetry that calms my soul. I wrote but never talked about depression because some people’s opinions are stupid. I don’t need praises and compliment. I need a solution perhaps a diversion. I know I can still manage except last year when the feeling came more frequently. I asked my closest friend about the best psychiatrist in the city. He suggested but told me that it depends if it’s a good idea or not. You are the only person who can help yourself.

I went back on those moments that I’m glad I’m alive. Travelling. Seeing new places excite me — places that I know nothing about. Walking around and feeling the world. It’s so beautiful to be in a strange place. I realized that toxins come from a place of comfort. The mind needs to be reminded sometimes.

We are the ones who can help ourselves. Rise above your demons and continue the faith. Those who ended their battles aren’t coward, they are the strong ones to cease their existence. I envy them but I know that I’m still resilient enough to survive. There’s more to life as cliche as it sounds.

I am my own warrior and training my mind to be tough is an achievement so far. I focused my mind to stand up each time I fall. I tried and tried to exist regardless if it’s pointless anymore. I strengthen my faith. I kept on believing in God and when all else fails I let him take all my burdens and calm my mind. I wake up each day wishing to see more sunsets and sunrises on a different country. I don’t want to wait for the day when I’m battling my own life not because of my own demons but an illness that will halt me from achieving the things I desire. I wanted to be freed from the chains I created and remain resilient in facing life.

Depression has no face. You can’t even sense it from afar but watch for this signs I got from Ten Characteristics of Perfectly Hidden Depression:

I got 14 yes in the questionnaire. Might as well try this and see for yourself : Perfectly Hidden Depression Questionnaire

I know that I have depression since high school. I know the sadness and emptiness are not normal. It’s the battle of doing my best. I’ve been too idealistic then but now I’m coping up with the real world. A lot of stuff frustrates me but I keep on training my mind to go on.

Life is interesting and I always remind myself that the bad things that are happening is just a phase that will make me appreciate it more. Success never been that sweet if you know you’ve worked hard for it. Happiness will never be special if you didn’t experience sadness. You just need to open your mind to endless possibilities and that can help us to live each day one day at a time. Goals help me be inspired even if my goal can sometimes be stupid as it sounds.

Again, depression has no face. You’ll never know when it’ll strike but you just need to fight your own self to achieve the things you desire. Believe me it’s tough, it’s frustrating but it can be worth it.

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Posted by on July 8, 2018 in personal

 

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Dreadful Thoughts.

I found myself alone inside a fast food restaurant shoving fries in my mouth while watching the raindrops slowly dripping on the crystal glass. Too many words in my mind and I’m ready to write again about my feelings for tonight.

The thoughts did not stop instead it kept on going and going until I got exhausted and drove myself home. I felt my heart suddenly sank and the emotions then again drowned me. I prayed too loud to the point of begging God, not now — not this year. I can’t imagine my life without meaning. I don’t know how I’ll survived without my mom. I know she’s getting older and weaker and God knows that she’s been through a lot in this lifetime. All I want is more time.

Last March 7 my mom celebrated her birthday and told me it might be her last. I don’t know how to respond except that I smiled and told her that she’ll still be with us until 100. I know this conversation will come and reality tells me I don’t have much time. People and family members would always say that she’s alive because of me and all that she’s waiting is for me to settle down and have a family of my own. My heart breaks whenever I hear those words not because I’m pressured but because I feel that even it’s about time she chooses to stay for me. God knows how much I love her and she’s the only reason why I keep going. Every day the thought of losing her haunts me. I cannot exist without her. I just can’t.

I’m trying to sort my plans especially when she’s gone and I’m still single. I’ll probably find a job abroad and live on my own or stay and feel the loneliness of a barren house. I might go back to my old ways of going home intoxicated just temporarily forget the sadness I feel. The pain is ripping my heart and my mind is in great chaos — imagining that kind of pain is torturous to the soul.

My reality tells me that I’m hoping too much in this world. I still have a lot of hope and a lot of faith. I recalled how I survived my past challenges by escaping with people who understands me, who are crazier and sad but sees hope by looking forward of every fun weekend. It’s the story behind each bottle that floods the chaos of our soul. It’s the fun memories you make out of a drunken night that make you forget the cruelness life has to offer. It’s the bad decisions turned into a funny memory. No matter how reality surely bites, the pain didn’t last for long as long as you’re in good company. Maybe I’ll do it again just to regain the temporary happiness when all the hope is gone.

Today, I fear what tomorrow beholds. I fear that I will lose it all — my reason to exist. Maybe I wanted to get married and have a family of my own. Maybe I don’t. Maybe I’ll find someone who’ll choose me over and over again and build a family. Maybe I’ll wait for more years. Maybe I’ll get tired and keep on escaping until I get exhausted. All the maybes, all the what ifs and no certainty on what’s next.

My manager told me to let go, let go of everything including my mom. Maybe it’s about time for me to tell her that even without her I’ll survive knowing I have a job and boyfriend already that will care for me when she’s gone. Honestly, I just can’t let go. My job is not stable and I don’t want to be a burden to the boy I love. I can’t let go of the reason why I choose to exist no matter how badly I wanted to die. I have millions of reasons to no longer exist and few to live. I’m tired of this crappy world but I choose to keep going for my mom.

Suddenly it made sense to me why my mother always tell me to bear a child before she goes. Maybe she feels that with a child I’ll find meaning again, a better reason to exist and to not die out of depression. My mom knows and feels she’s the reason I am not giving up.

I kept on talking fervently to God on my way home begging for more years until I’m settled, until I find meaning in life again. Today makes sense because of my mother and even how much love I can give to other people, they are all dispensable but not our parents especially our mother who sacrificed her life for us, who carry us in their wombs and who gave us unconditional love. No one can be in her shoes.

My heart crushes whenever the thought resides in my mind. I can’t, I just can’t live without her. Again, I begged to give five to ten years of my life in exchange for more years with my mom. It’s my Simala prayer… more years. More Years. I love her so much and I just can’t live without her… not now please, not this year.

 
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Posted by on March 12, 2018 in Uncategorized

 

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Have I Gone Mad? 

I’ve written too much these past few years and my blog posts showcase my thoughts on a gloomy day. It’s a series of rants, unspoken words and poetry that reveals a not so typical piece of me. Words are my refuge in times when my heart is full of rage, despair, happiness and loneliness. What I’ve written all these years are my emotions waiting to be judge by the public who does not know the real me. I wear my heart on my sleeve perfectly in each piece of literary mayhem. It conveys emotions that are cryptic to some yet true friends know what I exactly mean. Well, people have their own opinions and I’ve lived past their scrutiny. 

I have known myself from all its recesses and how my emotions can fluctuate from time to time. I’m a reservoir waiting to be filled by memories and circumstances — sometimes shines, sometimes covered with darkness. 

I know how to tame my inner beast during the peak of my emotions as it eats my sanity away. I growl for respect and revenge is always sweeter if achieved. I am a monster when in rage and it’s hard to tame myself when justice ain’t sought. 

Looking myself in the mirror again, I’ve grown fast. The loneliness in my eyes were replaced by hope and the faith within have been stronger. I’ve overcome life’s worst and here I am standing still, brushing off the dusts from yesteryears battle. Another montage of past events on repeat, I’ve sorted it based on how I’ve successfully handled it. Not all emotions were retrieved but the memories were so clear. Where did the old me go? The one who sulks in one corner; the one who cried herself to sleep slowly losing hope in this world; the one who held the gun wanting to shoot herself; the one who travelled to find herself; the one who gave up on love just because she felt that she’s unworthy; the one who created her own euphoria by writing poetry; and the hopeless romantic. 

I touched myself trying to feel it’s realness. I am alive. I know people have judged me for what I’ve wrote, for what I’ve act and for the decisions I made. I don’t owe anyone an explanation. I always put my faith to test this humanity. My heart wanted to let people see how I’ve seen it. I wanted to negotiate and make both ends meet no matter how hard it is. I’ve wanted to explain to people who got hurt by my words and actions to let them understand. I wanted peace and happiness but I realized that not all people see life the way I see it. 

Yes, I am innocent sometimes. The patience I extend are oftentimes abused. The niceness I project is always being challenged by circumstances. Some people provoke my own demons and they summon my own beast, the beast I’m trying to kill for quite some time. This beast is egocentric and hates injustice. It wanted to give detractors a taste of their own medicine. It symbolizes strength, power and evilness of my soul. It humbly waits for its prey who trespasses the danger zone. It is hard to tame sometimes but has been tamed all the time. 

I have been better all these years — such an honor and uplifts thy soul. 

The anger in my heart have been constantly healed by love and appreciation. I pray to God for patience and wisdom to understand and respond to situations in a manner that I won’t regret. I need to be better, I remind myself all the time. You can’t buy class, you exhibit it. People like me may think of ways to seek revenge but I believe karma has its own way of dealing with our lives. If you know you did not do anything wrong, you can sleep well at night. Wish people well instead.

I pray for peace and trust. I pray for a life I deserve. I pray for patience and love. I pray for forgiveness to those who’ve talked behind me, judged me and for those who’ve said nasty words. I know there will be no peace in my heart if I keep on looking back to those days where I got hurt. To keep going is harder than before if I let my useless emotional baggages drag me. I’ve been assured and that’s what I’ve trying to hold on right now. Until that day comes along, I’ll keep going and I’ll choose to be better. 

 
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Posted by on January 10, 2018 in personal, Uncategorized

 

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28 Life Realizations 

28 Life Realizations 

Honestly I’m out of words in writing my thoughts today but I need to whack my brain cells because this is not supposed to be an ordinary day for me. 

And so I’ve turned 28 today and geez I am such an oldie. Anyways, another year has been added and to celebrate my life I will write about my realizations and I hope you don’t get bored along the way because this might be one of my longest blog post. 

Let’s get started…

1. Life never cease to surprise me and this year has been crazy. There were dark days spent inside my room sulking and watching ceilings not knowing where to start over with my feelings. I tend to overthink most of the time — a trait I’m working on right now for me to be happy. I’ve learned that thinking of the future too much and possible worst case scenarios can ruin your happiness so I’ve decided to free myself from toxicities of my mind and live the “live NOW” mindset.


2. Take the craziest risks a mad person can think of as it can give you a life changing experience that you’ve never thought of. Planning a spontaneous trip alone to Manila and Masbate has been a highlight for all my travel solo escapades.  Know more about it here: https://chillerspot.wordpress.com/2017/03/25/never-have-i-ever/?preview=true

3. I realized alcohol surely never solve any problems but with great friends you’ll surely get a good hang of your sanity. Drink responsibly and learn from the wisdom of drunk people.

4. Gym selfies do not make me feel better but boxing and exercising does. When I hate how my day turns out it feels better to sweat it out.

5. I always dreamed of having a car I can call my own. I realized that if I don’t make my dream a reality nothing will actually happen so I took the risk and start being an adult with financial responsibility. This goes to my credit cards too. Whew. 

6. Never stop thanking God for the realization of our dreams and for all the challenges you faced because you are better after all of it. God answers prayers in the most craziest way and you should be thankful all the time. Have faith in him and you’ll be fine. 

7. Build a character that inspires people, build yourself to be indestructible. I realized that all these years and experiences paved way for me to become a better version of myself. I am glad of the person I turned out to be. I am secure of myself and I don’t care much about other people’s opinions towards me except of it is a constructive feedback meant for me to be better.

8. Spend your time with friends that are true and valuable. People who brings out the best in you and gives you hope to move forward each day. These are people that you can rely on during the times that you will fall and they’ll never leave you when life gets too rough and too tough. I’m missing some folks in the pictures but you know who you guys are. 

9. I realized that life is too short to drink crappy coffee. You deserve the best coffee if you want to be happy while alone and daydreaming. 

10. In this life, our faith in humanity will be tested. Our beliefs with soon change as circumstances unfold in time. Develop a critical mind and a heart that never falters in seeing only the best in other people. Be kind, always be kind to others regardless of age, gender and religion. 

11.  Stop spending too much time in your work station and indulge in your tasks. I realized that I need my own sanity break to be effective in what I do. I need to free my mind from all the deadlines, compliances, metrics and subordinates in order for me to calibrate my EQ and IQ. 

12. Do not forget to treat yourself for all the hard work and for surpassing each challenges victoriously. Always remind yourself that you are bigger than your problems. Eating is my favourite way of rewarding myself. Nom. Nom. Nom. 

13. I realized it’s not too late for me to try my luck especially on dreams that I’ve let go already. I wanted to be a lawyer back in college until I gave up on pursuing that dream but it’s not too late I guess to rethink my options. I took the Philippine Law school aptitude test and gladly I made it. I’m still surprised and still thinking if I’ll take up law school next school year or not. 

14.  I realized that life is all about timing and perfect moments. You don’t need to feel so disappointed if the things you wanted for yourself didn’t exactly happen when you wanted it so badly. Trust the process and never doubt God’s way of revealing his plan for your life. In God’s perfect time as they say. 

15. It is Okay to fail because not all things in life is being granted. It is how you survived after you fail that matters. I’ve got unrealised dreams which frustrated me but then it hit me one day that maybe where I am right now is exactly where I need to be in God’s plans. I should not doubt or even hate the world instead I should be positive. I’ll be patient and persistent… Always. 

16. I realized that it’s okay to spend your hours doing nothing at all and let time pass by without the pressure of doing anything. We tend to be so into something and make sure our hours are not wasted but it drains our soul. We need to pause for a while and savor the minutes of our precious life. 

17. I realized that you don’t need to force people in your life or try to be someone that people likes. Life is good if you accept who are and let those people who loves you love the real you even if you look like an alien. 

18. It’s Okay to open up with friends about how fucked up your life can be and how to deal with depression when you no longer know what to do except killing yourself. It is Okay to share your thoughts to people who listen and remind you of how great you are — these are the best people to keep. They give you the sanity you need during your darkest days. It’s Okay to be with people who understands you all the time when you’re not in your right state of mind. 

Love your boss, colleagues and your subordinates because you face the same stress everyday. 

19. Life is short. We are all passing through so make the most of our time here. Start living and loving your existence. Wake up from your doubts and fears.

20. I realized that dogs love you more than themselves. 

21. It’s best to spend time with your parents while they are with us. We tend to forget that as we grow older they too are getting older and weaker. My mom is no longer the symbol of strength and greatness but in her prime no one is as amazing as her. 

22. Spend more time travelling and creating memories whether alone or with friends. 

23. Be a kid once in a while and reminisce your childhood memories. It’s ok to loosen up and take a time out from adulting. 

24. Life’s full of magical moments. Always open your heart and mind. 

25. My pens make me soooooo happy all the time. I am growing my collection and I’m so in love with them. 

26. Querkling and poetry is my instant pick me upper when I’m starting to get too burnt out with life. 

27. It’s when you started to give up everything then all of a sudden life surprises you with the craziest twist. I remembered writing earlier this year about love and how I stopped believing that my stomach butterflies will be resurrected from its death. Today is a little different, a little hopeful and a little positive. Be open and be honest to what you feel all the freakin’time no matter how awkward it may sound. 

28. I realized that maybe it’s about time to let myself love again… a love that has been awakened by someone whom I didn’t expect but did all his best to make me happy. You are God’s gift to me because whenever I am with you I feel a little different. I feel more human capable of loving and caring. I can be myself without the fear of not being accepted nor judged.  I hope that this will grow into something better and probably last for a lifetime. I am excited for this new chapter of my life, all the new yet right feels. 

Today is something special for me and for all the people who spent their time just to greet me, THANK YOU!  Cheers to more awesome years and more realizations to come. Thanks for everyone who became part of my life. Thanks for sticking around! I am finally 28 and I’m still awesome! (HAHAHAHA)  😊

 
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Posted by on November 23, 2017 in personal

 

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Coffee Diary. 

Almost 2am and I can’t sleep. 

My mind is such a terrible place at this hour and has been calmed down by caffeine for the mean time. I spent my night tossing and turning on my bed forcing myself to sleep but it didn’t happen. Minutes of dozing off and my brain cells are then wired up for some analysis of life’s events. It’s a little bit terrifying when it starts to rehash memories and try to puzzle out stuff that I should not worry about. I just locked my demons back to where it belongs to and I can say I’m fine or at least I believe I am. I am pretty much aware that all the summer feels were gone and my life revolves from gloomy to stormy. I can see the sun once in a while but clouds kept on covering all the sunrays. 

I’m still trying to convince myself that I don’t need medical attention for my depression. I think I’m fine. I know I’m not but at least I’m not suicidal… well not yet. Every day is such a challenge especially if my mind starts to drift. I always daydream though to survive each day but I turned into a hopeless person from a person full of sunshine. 

I guess I need a break. 

I guess I will be fine. 

Keep going as they say… so that’s what I’ll do, go on. Be strong. Pray. Lean on God. 

I love God and I know everything will be fine if I put my trust in him. 😊

 
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Posted by on October 11, 2017 in personal

 

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Random Thoughts Brewing

Montage. 

My mind right now is a crazy montage. All of my yesteryears keep flashing and my failures highlighted. I came into a different avenue of thoughts that made me feel so lost about what I really wanted to do with my life. I know I ain’t getting younger each day and if this is just another pre-birthday blues, I totally fear the upcoming days. 

Life’s a series of mishaps and luck we didn’t imagine. It’s how you react to certain circumstances that define your being. Sometimes because of pride, I tend to be stubborn. I don’t listen much and decide on my own. I usually trust my own judgement and gut feel. I also consider myself an asshole sometimes to people I don’t like. I am such a difficult person to deal with. 

There are days when I question my decisions if it’s indeed for the greater good. When it back fires, I need to be accountable to it. I don’t apologize if it’s not my fault but I normally take the hit. I don’t know how I feel today except that my heart is broken and my soul is tormented. Always been. Always will. 

I wonder how long will I hold on to life if life is no longer taking chances to make me appreciate each day. Not everything and everyone I value I can even call my own. I am living in a borrowed moment, a borrowed life which can be taken anytime. My regret is not to fully live and exhaust my potentials. It’s all about choices they say and I am in chaos today afraid of making a wrong move.

They say failures aren’t failures but lessons learned that will make sense someday. Life teaches us the hard way most of the time and it’s up to you on how to creatively cope. My heart has been my weakness and will always be. It has been a struggle for me to be heartless despite numerous attempts which put myself in a very vulnerable state. I built walls yet I let people in to  destroy the bricks. I don’t know why I am such a sucker for time and attention. I don’t know what to do with my self in times of chaos instead to roll into the corner, weep until the pain subsides. 

I have been depressed and I hate dragging people into my miseries and hearing their empathy statements make me wanna puke. It’s an illness I want to escape, I fake my own happiness and hide behind smiles and wit. I wanted to be strong despite this crippling feeling of emptiness. I feel inadequate. I feel that nothing makes sense and that nobody will actually love someone like me. I easily get attached to people who takes time in knowing me but it’s also a cycle, no one is strong enough to take me in one’s world. I am alone in my journey and nothing is sadder knowing you are not enough or more than enough to be loved. 

It sounds stupid most of the time to some knowing my problem is about love and life. They say all those compliments that kills me slowly. They say to wait for time may not be my best friend. They all say things that make me feel bad because if it’s true then it should have happen long ago just like how others find love and happiness. They found meaning in such a dreaded life while I survive each day hoping it’ll be my last if all these feels persist. 

I pray so hard that this will be over. Wave after wave of sadness is actually  haunting me and the pain I feel keeps on refreshing each time a moment happens. I feel bad on feeling this way because I should be happy and blessed but I’m not. I don’t feel such bliss. I just feel so tired to deal with life all the time. I hope I get to overcome this feeling.

Good night. 

 
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Posted by on September 28, 2017 in personal

 

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Attachments

I hate being attached to a place, event, memories and people. I have been too emotional in dealing with separation and will take me days to fully recover. I don’t understand why but it’s just how I am. No matter how strong, ruthless and independent I can be, I still fall for memories. I appreciate people who puts in a lot of effort to know and stick with me. Sometimes I fear losing them but I still lose people along the way, I’m still alive but broken. To sum up my thoughts for tonight, lemme write a poem. 

Just in Time


You didn’t come in crashing waves

but you walk in like a theft

Broke the bricks one built for years

and let the sun shine through the cracks of disbelief. 


The pain disappeared as time passes 

Cold nights became a place of solace

To trust time is such a great risk

so as to believe once again


The future did promise uncertainties 

and today seems to be a game of madness 

where the past became a lesson

and the present is full of wonder and misery


The verge of the cliff is enticing 

and my heart wanted to jump once again

I wanted to love the process

I really do. 


What’s in store for me is still a mystery

and the crash might end what’s left

The fall has no assurance of life 

after a series of death. 


In this parallel world,

not all are meant to last.

I have walked into the storm already

and I have no plans of coming back. 



S. C. L. 


 
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Posted by on September 25, 2017 in personal

 

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