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The Day Before I Turned 25

Minutes before midnight, I’m sitting alone waiting for the bus to finally come and take me home. It’s been a long spontaneous day for me.

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It’s been a long day and I did crazy stuffs I won’t regret doing. I actually feel a little sad, well depressed is the exact word for no reasons at all. I’m sad because I’m getting older and nothing seems to be happening in my life — quarter life crisis thingy. I feel shitty today so  I decided to date myself after my friends turned down my various offers.

Fine, since I’m stubborn I did go to the mall and unwind. I know I’ve been working too hard lately, I just need to breathe. I treated myself with an iced caramel machiatto and watched people. I miss people watching at dusk so I’m pretty much glad I was able spend at least 30 minutes of savoring my coffee as various thoughts cloud my mind. I also got my first sticker!  Yey!

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I also did the unthinkable, walking in a notorious street alone. I went to Baywalk — Bacolod’s famous chill place to try karting. I’ve been an adrenaline junkie. My first lap was actually a disaster because I’ve crashed on tires but nevertheless it was frigging AWESOME! My smile was actually tattooed, yep I was smiling the whole time I hit the gas. It’s been my dream, to buy my own car and learn to drive. I wanted to be a race car driver… Herbie was actually my favorite childhood movie. Lindsay Lohan was amazing in her role. Blah blah blah. Haha

Again, I had fun in the track even though I  had boo boos and been a major hassle to the caretaker. I want to try those car drifts. I want that freaking speed. I want it like I never wanted something before. It has been my dream…

After my nerve wracking experience, I visited St. John Paul II tower. It was a humbling experience.

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He’ll always be my favorite Pope.  🙂

The view on top of the tower is actually beautiful. It reminded me of my Cebu vacation. I must say, this is staycation at its best.

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Beautiful boque lights…

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SM City Bacolod from the tower.

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I swear, I could have tried this before but I didn’t take the risk.

I stroll around SM City after my Pope John Paul II tower experience. I am not in the mood to go home yet so I used the movie ticket I won to watch Big Hero 6. It was a very nice movie I didn’t regret watching.

It’s 12am. 

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Happy silver year to me!

I’m still waiting for the bus. It’s like waiting for eternity.

I’m embracing a lot of problems this year.  Quarter life crisis taking its toll and life issues that will surely heighten my emotions once again. Oh God, I need you big time, this time.

Anyways, let me take this chance to say my thanks to you Oh Lord for the never ending patience and blessings. Thank you too for giving me the wisdom to understand that life won’t usually go as what I’ve planned it to be and that circumstances really do happen to test my faith and trust in you. Well, I won’t easily give up. Your plans are way better than mine so whatever it is, I lift my uncertainties to you. Thanks a lot for not giving up on me for the past 25 years. I owe you a lot my Lord. Please guide me still in every decision I make. All in God’s perfect time, Amen.  🙂

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Posted by on November 23, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Some Good Friday Thoughts

Dear God,

It’s been a week full of shits and things aren’t working my way. It’s been a series of mood swings that I mostly blame to my raging hormones, well I hope I was right.  Last Monday night, I felt sick because of my weekend escapade. I swam like I never swam before and had my own moment watching the sunrise at the sea wall. I spent my time thinking and enjoying the calmness of the sea despite the cloudy skies. Thank you for allowing me to go and for having a safe trip. You are indeed awesome. I’m beyond thankful. I know you know what I mean.

I also had the time of my life last Tuesday when I got wet due to the amazing rain showers we get in the height of the summer season in the Philippines. I look silly when I arrived at work but who cares right?  Oh well. Guess what, there’s more… my bestfriend at work invited me for lunch and since I have to take my meds before the flu virus take over, I really need to grab a bite only to find out that he’s busy playing damn monopoly as if I don’t effin exist so I gracefully walked out. Guess what, after all those shits, I was ousted in my station due to hot seating issues at work. I need to recover my files and pull it up on a different work station and later that day I got humiliated because the alarm of our defective door  sounded when I swiped my badge and people propped their heads in the conference room wondering what’s going on outside. Not my day I guess… bummer.

Okay God, I know you’ve witnessed it all and I’m sorry for ranting over again but I’m just plainly bitter. I guess everything that have happened recently simply triggered my dormant feelings with regard to all the bullshits (excuse me) that I feel in this world. I’m kinda tired of understanding, of being simply patient and passive. I too have feelings. I too have an opinion. I am a true believer that life isn’t fair and will never be and for you to survive you need to learn to be patient. It took me lots and lots of time to realize that and I ended up better, more optimistic and definitely lighter because I got rid of unnecessary emotional baggages and hang ups. Crap.

God, I pray for more patience and more time alone to sort out my emotions. It’s Good Friday and I want to reflect.

I’m just human, I get pissed. I know it’s crazy but I’ve been the one who understands all the time, someone who is easy to talk to but here’s the tough thing in this story or should I call it the bottomline of my post — I can no longer recall the moment I felt valued. It sucks you know. I guess I’m longing for that kind of relationship, that one day I’ll have someone who don’t just understand me but would make me feel valued. I pray for that moment wherein what I want will be prioritized. I want to feel special in ways I never imagined that can actually happen. God, I’m sorry if I sinned. I’m sorry for my sarcasm. Maybe I deserved to feel like this today. Thanks for reminding me that I don’t deserved a love that treats me like shit whether it was intentional or not. Thanks for all the realizations and for the everyday miracles. Thank you for simply being there when I need someone to rant, whine and talk to. Thanks for making me believe that life is still beautiful. You’re one of a kind and I hope other people will appreciate and value you as much as I value you, my God.  Thy will be done. Amen.

Love,

Carol  ❤

 
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Posted by on April 18, 2014 in journal, life, Life Blog, people

 

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04.06.2014

Dear God,

It’s been 4 months since the last time I write in my journal. I actually miss writing to you, sharing my thoughts about how I feel and telling you about everything.

I woke up at 3am with the urge to write just to say thank you. I always say thank you for all the good and bad things that happened to me. Who and where I am right now is a product of a beautiful past. At first, I don’t understand why it should happen to me. I’ve been always asking to the point of blaming you for all the pain I’ve felt. I guess it’s about time to close that chapter I left open for almost a decade.

I’m definitely sure that in order for me to totally move forward is to finally know the truth.  It’s one brave act to go back to the past and finally slam and lock the door.

Today, I’m pretty much sure of my feelings. I love someone for the past year and whether we’ll end up together or not, I’m happy he became a part of my life. He helped me unconsciously in fixing my broken parts. He made me happy when I’m about to give up. He has issues, some are vices that scare me and are hindering my decision to finally give it a shot.

You know how much I pray God. You know how much I write about my prayers before. I know you know how much I want him to conquer his demons.  I want him to change but I don’t want to force it either. I accepted him for who he is and I know he knows the consequences of what he’s doing today. I don’t want to be like a mother who’ll constantly remind him of what’s right and what’s wrong. I want to be his partner, someone who’ll be with him no matter what. Together, we’ll fight those demons. If he only knew how happy I am tonight knowing that at 3 am he’s not wasted. I pray he’ll finally get over this kind of lifestyle.

God, thanks for everything. Thank you for your love and guidance as I was able to survive life’s challenges for 24 years. I never valued money until I got nothing. I never had the chance to get to know my dad for long. My life is a little bit dysfunctional. I have lots and lots of questions but I dread the answers. Whatever.

Anyhoo, thanks again. I apologize for those days when I questioned your will. Your plans are way better than mine. All I need is to be positive. Life’s not actually perfect but I’m definitely happy today because my God didn’t give up on me.  When I’m in pain and things don’t go my way, I always tell myself that someday it’ll all make sense.

Love,

Carol ❤

 
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Posted by on April 6, 2014 in inspirational, journal, life, writing

 

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It’s That Time Of The Year Again

Merry Christmas.

24 years of celebrating Christmas and as years passes by it’s getting a little different. It’s not how it used to be though but I know I still have the essentials. I still have my mom and my uncle despite our generation gap, we were still able to meet halfway. Despite my cheery demeanor, I too have problems to deal with but I guess life would be meaningless without challenges.

Too much of dramas though… it’s Christmas eve and it’s the best time to reflect.  

My Christmas Eve Prayer

My Lord, I thank you for your never ending love and for not giving up on me by showing me everyday miracles that I should be thankful of.

Thank you for the gift of life and for the lives of the people I value the most.

Thank you for my job that I mostly hate and love all at the same time because it pays our bills and coffee.

Thank you for my friends who kept my secrets and helped me cope up with all of my dilemmas and frustrations that life has to offer.

Thank you for that special person who made this year a little more awesome and for the never ending good times whenever we’re together.

Thank you for my mom… thanks to all of her sacrifices, I’m where I am right now and my desire for growth will always be dedicated to her. It’s not easy to raise someone as difficult as I am, contrary to popular belief.

I’m not easy to deal with especially during my late teenage years.

Oh well.

Thank you for my ever patient uncle who takes good care of my mom whenever I’m out to work, to study or to just sit around doing nothing in a café.

Thank you for the strangers I meet everyday, for the people I’ve smiled, for acquaintances, for the annoying people and for all those random circumstances that have happened.

Thank you Lord for guiding my decisions and for the courage to face its consequences.

Thank you for reminding me that I’m not perfect, that I’m vulnerable, that I’m a sinner because I get to know what humility means and that I don’t always get what I want no matter how I think I deserved it more than anybody else.

I’m sorry for all the sins I’ve committed, for being judgmental and for questioning your will sometimes.

I love you My Lord and thank you so much.

Amen.

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Happy holidays from our home to yours.  Smile and be thankful. It’s Christmas!  🙂

 
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Posted by on December 24, 2013 in christmas, inspirational, journal, life

 

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