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Another Sunday Morning.

Disclaimer: I wrote this yesterday after drinking beers and cure my hangover with a macchiatto. Alcohol and coffee is not a good combo.

Here you go…

 

It’s been a month since the last time I write in this blog. I’ve been fine so maybe that’s the reason why I no longer wrote those things that made me happy and sad. I usually write when I am depressed or so happy I cannot contain it to myself. My life seems to be drifting day by day still feeling lost not knowing what to really do with it. I know this has been my blabs for quite some time already and yes, I still have no definite solution on how I will fix my shits.

I got to read an article of one celebrity teenager who killed herself and another one who had a viral video. I then realized that most of us are like masks, we don’t know what’s really happening inside but stick to what we see. We don’t get to understand their struggles yet we judge them by the way they look or act. The society we are in is judgmental, enough said. I don’t worry much on what people may think of me as I got this mindset that whatever you think won’t actually define me. I am who I am. I got trust issues. I am full of shits and if you can’t help me solve my problem just don’t add up to it. My life is not messy compared to others but there are times when I feel like it’s already my end. Yes, I won’t deny the reality that I did once try to kill myself. I wanted to die. I wanted to kill myself after someone broke my heart. I wanted to die and be with dad in heaven. I wanted to die to spare myself from all the shits the world has to offer. I wanted to die because I thought I will not be able to survive. I just hate challenges because why do you always need to constantly prove yourself in this f*cking world. I got frustrations building up day by day and I kick those leeches that suck up my happiness. I wanted to escape home because it breaks me seeing my mom weakening day by day. I still don’t know what to do once she’s gone. I still don’t know what the future beholds and still here I am breathing in the possibilities of tomorrow. It sucks, FYI.

But I choose to live.

I am still here because I cannot take my life away. I hate depression because it eats us slowly. I hate seeing people battling depression and being succumb into the dark. It’s been a battle worth fighting and I am recovering. It’s been a year since the last time I am crippled by it but did survive. Only few knows what I’ve been up to during my darkest days. I am glad I was able to tell someone about my plans as he was able to stop me from actually doing it. I felt lonely. I felt that my career is going no where. I felt stupid in graduate school. I was actually saved by someone who battled depression victoriously. I still get up, go to work and put that damn smile in my face but inside I am broken. I am shattered because of my pride. I am broken because of my choices. I am frustrated because I know I did well and end up still a shit. I know I have been overthinking stuffs and keeping it all to myself because I hate being judge by some that I am a weakling. I know I am weak. I know I needed someone in my life so badly and the thought of being alone in my 30’s scare me. I still doubt myself despite my numerous achievements. I wanted to be busy because when I am alone that’s when my thoughts drown me. I wanted to drink and get wasted so I can just sleep right away. I am self-destructing for 2 years already, juggling everything at once pretending I am fine but I am not.

I am still lost on what I really want to do with my life.

I don’t even have a decent savings to be proud of.

Anyways, I still got some hope and faith though. Everyday, I do my own pep talk. I know God has a plan and everything will be fine just like why I did not pursue in ending my life. God always make way to me and I trust him. I just pray that he’ll lead me the way because I survived 25 years of existence with him by my side. I yelled at him once because he was so unfair to me only to realize that those times he never listened to my pleas was actually the time he went out to open new opportunities for me. Someday, someday… it’ll all make sense. I know it will just like my yesterday that totally made sense today. I don’t want depression to cloud my sunny side, I know I got issues within myself I need to fix but as time passes by I am confident that I will be able to find that elusive answer to my personal dilemmas.

As what I always say, “Life as we all know it”.

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Posted by on July 13, 2015 in life, Uncategorized

 

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What I Did Today…

No fancy lunch or dinner… I choose to be alone in my room while my family watches Pacman versus Alghieri which of course is another stupid fight because I know Pacman will definitely win it.

I opened my bedside table and rekindled my childhood years. The things I decided to forget were actually well documented. I realized that I’ve been lost for quite some time already… I’ve survived because of pride. I’m alone because of pride… because I’ll never tell the man I love how much he means to me. I’m afraid of getting hurt due to the shards of my broken heart.

2005:

11/23/2005

It’s my 16th birthday. Well it’s not that great. I’m 16 and it’s really boring. Lord, thanks for this day. It’s been 16 years of struggling between me and the imperfections of the world. It’s hard but you didn’t hesitate to light my path and showing me the wonders of your creation, for replenishing my soul and inspiring my life with your word.


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Thank you for all the blessings and for the problems that you gave me because it made me into a person full of strength, courage and hope.  Thanks Lord.

Wow, never thought I’m actually mature at 16. I’m proud of myself. 🙂

2006:

Surprisingly I found this letter I wrote 8 years ago.

I’m sorry.

I already paid the consequences of my actions. I suffered a lot. I shed buckets of tears. I wrote a lot. I remembered last March 2006, I thought everything was fine between the two of us after you congratulated me before my graduation day. Comes June 2006, we saw each other yet we never said hi. We’re like strangers.

…. Insert all the bitter stuffs here ”

Years have passed. 2014 was the year that changed it all. I was able to find that courage to ask you questions I dreaded the most. We’re able to fix the friendship. We’re able to talk about how crazy our so called relationship was. It might be a product of a terrible lie but we both know the emotions were real and I told you how I loved you so much it took me hell lot of time to finally forgive myself after what I did to you. Thank you for forgiving me too. You’ve been the best pain I had endured for quite some time because it made be better and wiser.

2007:

I also wrote this commandments of Love last May 27,2007…

1. Thou shall love myself above all.
2. Thou shall not assume or hope when someone I think is “the one” comes along.
3. Thou shall look at the physical attributes first but what makes me stick is the goodness of the soul.
4.Thou shall think thoroughly before deciding something.
5. Thou shall court my family first before thyself.
6. Thou shall respect and dig what I want so as I to him.
7. Thou shall be open minded, understanding and loving all the time.
8.Thou shall prioritize my studies before love or thou shall prioritize my work and my passion.
9. Thou shall learn to accept each other’s flaws and indifferences.
10.Thou shall not be jealous or insecure, must develop one’s sense of trust.

No wonder I’m turning out to be an old maid.

It was somewhere in 2007 when I decided to fully embraced the positives. I got to admit, teenage life really sucks. I’ve been an emo kid who listens to Fall Out Boys and other Punk artists. I’m disgusted now of my own drama before. If only I can turn back the hours I could have not wasted my teen years wallowing how shitty my life was. Suicidal thoughts…  It was never ending yet I don’t have the courage to do it. Good thing though. Life’s still worth living despite the jaded and frustrating times.

At a very young age, my self awareness is really great. I acknowledged the fact that I’m egoistic. I live to feed my soul, to bring pride and worth to myself. My world used to revolve on achievements, good grades, service to others and doing my passions. It was exhausting yet it was fulfilling. I also acknowledged the fact that at 16 I’m not really good in expressing my emotions. I write my feelings and rarely talk about it. Blogging and writing my thoughts make me happy. I would prefer people to call me a nerd than a bitch.

2011:

05/09/2011

Dear God,

—– is in a relationship. Well, people around me are except me. I always pray for that one special person to finally come, for that someone I’ll spend forever with. Heaven forbids I’ll grow up alone.

God, I hope he’s worth the wait. I trust you and please grant me the patience as I wait for him while I become a better version of myself.

Carol. 

— I’m deep.  Yeah,  3 years have passed and I’m still praying the same thing. Gugreaaaat! 

2013

03/24/2013

Dear 9 month older self,

I wrote because I love to write or maybe because I got inspired by watching Perks of Being a Wallflower. Things are getting rough right now and work still sucks. I’m actually confused if I’ll still give it another shot.

I’m lost.
I still don’t know what to do with my life. I’ve got plans but certainly don’t know where to start. I want to be a wedding planner, graphic designer, blogger, team leader and the list goes on and on. I hope that by the time you’re reading this letter you’ve already started on what you really wanted to be.

Love.
Oh well. I must say things are going well between me and ——-. We’re not together but he’s special. I hope I’ll be able to ask him the questions I longed to ask him. If he’s not the one, I hope I’ll be able to find someone because it’s been too long already and it’s about time to be inspired and happy. I hope things will turn out to be great between the two of us, I really hope so.

Family.
I hope nothing bad will happen. 

Old self, I hope you’ve done something great before the year ends.  I don’t want you to cry and feel that you are weak. You’re awesome!  You’re great!  I know the struggles I’m in right now will soon fade away and I hope it’ll all make sense by the time you’re reading this.  I know things will be great and I just hope that it’ll be.

❤,

Carol

That was shocking though, I never read that letter until today.

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Well I’m halfway there. I’m still lost but I’m now a team lead trainee finishing her Master’s degree in business. Love wise…  I’m still inlove with the same guy and I still don’t have the courage to ask him the questions whose answers I dread the most.

I guess I didn’t age much. My mindset is still the same and my faith untarnished. I am still that 16 year old kid who trusts his Savior so much.

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I’ll continue my journey in finding the meaning of today. Every stitch, every struggle, every pain has a reason and all I need is a little faith and trust.

Thanks to awesome friends who’ve been there for me through good times and the bad. Yaaay grabbing some pictures from my Facebook friends.

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Thanks for giving me the sanity to survive each day. Thanks for the never ending support.

Also, thanks to my mama for raising me. I’m not a perfect daughter but you’ve been a good provider to me.

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Posted by on November 23, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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My Superhero. My Favorite Person. My Dad.

Today seems to be just another Sunday in our house. I guess it’s because we really have no one here to greet a happy father’s day. Two decades and a half ago, my dad died of emphysema and multiple organ failure. He was a chain smoker, the main reason why I never tried smoking, I don’t want to die nor someone I love die because of it.

My dad is an American. He was raised up in Indianapolis, Indiana, such a laidback state in the U.S.A.. Just like any American boy, he too joined the corps but he chooses to be part of the U.S. Air Force after he finished his business degree. His life was in the airfield. He pilots a jet plane to bring meds to the wounded during wars. He’s been to different places and bases. Paris was his favorite city, no wonder I dreamt to be there too.

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Dad for me is the coolest. After he retired as a Lieutenant Colonel, he dedicated his time in teaching aeronautics here in the Philippines when Clark Airbase is still fully operational. He enjoyed owning Chicks Bar, the bar with a pub kind of set up. It’s not a disco bar but solely a bar with a chill ambiance. My dad will never live without his Scotch and cigarettes. I can say he was an alcoholic.

My dad battled his demons but as he aged he accepted the fact that he can’t totally stop it. His vices though didn’t affect too much of his relationship with my mother. He was not a loud mouth. When he drinks, he’s so quiet that each sip calms him. He too is  a caffeine addict and prefers to have his coffee boiling hot and should be black. I guess I too do have his genes.

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Golf is my father’s favorite sport. He and Mama spend too much of their time in various golf courses. He also plays tennis and swimming. He loves the beach.

Dad loves airplanes, yachts and cars. He used to own a vintage Mercedes and Ford Cortina. He loves to assemble miniature automobiles, ships and planes as his past time. He also loves to scribble, I remembered seeing him on his desk with his glasses on while I watch my favorite cartoons. He loves to bake apples with cinnamon in it, my cousins love it so much. He too bakes different kinds of pie and sweets. He bakes cookies and walk several blocks and then gives it to children in the streets. Dad is such a man full of love.

I am one lucky kid. I was raised in a home full of love and joy. My childhood memories were so great, I can still fully recall. He treated me like a princess. He gave me a toy car that I can drive when I was 3 and from there my interest in cars grew. If he was here, he might have given me a BMW on my 18th birthday. Dad, life will be different if you’re still around.

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What could have happened if dad is still here?

** I’m a spoiled brat.
** I might be a US citizen already.
** I’ve been enjoying my life without worrying about money.
** I don’t need to work.
** I have a BMW.
** I already pilot a plane.
** I know the formula to bake his most-loved pies.

Honestly, if he’s alive I might have been materialistic. I always get what I want with my dad. It’s actually hard not to have a father during teenage years. I don’t have someone to hug nor someone to bother about Math because it’s his forte. I finished my degree in Computer Science because he wanted that for me. Anything Dad wants, I want. I love ComSci. I graduated with one cool degree not made for people with a weak determination to succeed. I know I made dad proud.

I purchased a book before by Gregory Lang. It’s about why a daughter needs a dad.

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Here are my favorite reasons :

A daughter needs a dad…

…to learn that when he says it will be okay soon, it will.
…who will laugh at her at all the right times.
…who will always have time to give her hugs and kisses.
…to make the family whole and complete.
…so she will know what it is like to be somebody’s favorite.
…to make the complex simple and the painful bearable.
…to be the safe spot she can always turn to. … to be the standard against which she will judge all men.
…so that she will have at least one hero who will not let her down.
…to tuck her in at night.
…who will let her know that while she may not be the center of someone else’s world, she is the center of his.
…to hold her as she cries.
…to share with her the wisdom she has not yet acquired.
…who teaches her she is important by stopping what he is doing to watch her.
…to teach her the joy of serving others.
…to calm her when she is stressed by her challenges.
…to tell her all that she needs to know about boys.
…to stand with her on the day she marries the man she hopes will be just like her father.
…to teach her what kind of man to choose to be the father of her children.
…to teach her to spend responsibly, save for a rainy day, and give with a generous heart.

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Life will never be the same without you in it.

Dad, I’m thankful for everything that have happened. I am now a grown up with a beautiful past. All the bad things that have happened, the difficult times we faced without you and the personal challenges I needed to face… they were all part of my past. I learned life the hard way but I didn’t and will never quit. I’m pretty much like you today. A warrior doesn’t just quit with the sight of blood, in fact it gives them more strength to persevere.

I’ll never ceased to make you proud, I’ll still continue to be your girl … it’ll be forever.

I love you, Daddy. 

 
 

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12/08: Being at Home

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This are the days when I start to hate my work because I no longer have all the time to spend at home except of course for sleeping. I am now gathering all the words that I can get in my mind within 15 minutes because I need to prepare for work.

My work requires me to chat with customers and fix their mobile applications and home security. It’s a business-process outsourcing company, one of the leading companies in the Philippines and I owe my graduate studies to them because I availed their educational assistance program. The operations is 24/7 and my shift starts at 12am to 9am.  How cool is that?  Yeah right.
I’m glad to be at home today even if I spent most of my time in my room feeling the remnants of my flu crippling me. I hate that I’m sick for the past few days because of the changing weather that I was not able to do a lot of things. My body just can’t take it anymore but I do have no choice. I still need to go to work and school. 

I feel shit , I mean sick.

Anyways, today I must say is still awesome. I just need a few minutes to feel my existence at home.

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Check out little Christmas Tree!  🙂

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And how happy we used to be… I miss Dad  and how healthy Mama was. This picture was taken 20 Decembers ago.

Love,

Chillerspot ❤

 
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Posted by on December 8, 2013 in journal, life, Life Blog, list

 

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09/30 – Day 312: Mom and Dad

Cheers to the two special people in my life!

Their love story may be a bit unusual but I know that it happened in God’s time. I tried to sit around my mom’s room looking at their pictures hanging on the wall. It never ceased to amaze me how they met and how it all happened. I hoped that someday I will also find my own prince charming, swooning me even if I don’t like him at first and will never ever leave me even if I choose to runaway because of my fears. I just want to have someone who’ll accept me for who I am and for I am not, someone who will make me believe in love and will be with me during the tough times. Someone who will trusts me and let me live the life I want to live even if there will be times that I am no longer logical and sane.

Love… such a beauty. 🙂

 
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Posted by on October 19, 2012 in life

 

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