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She Wolf.

My heart is full and I would want to write my thoughts but I got a problem though, it’s hard to express it all in plain sentences so I opted to use metaphors in describing what I feel. I just need to write it before I burst into pieces, devour my thoughts for it feed me too long enough to take my sanity away.

I would want to take this opportunity to raise a toast to the broken ones who no longer had hope in love. I’m too broken to believe anymore.

The night is too young as of the moment but I’m daydreaming my own darkness whilst I’m all alone in a beach watching the full moon as it casts its light to everything that surrounds me. I can feel the eerieness but I am born alpha, no fear of the unknown. 

The chill runs down my spine and I wanted the darkness to eat me… slowly, until nothing is left. I want to escape the pangs of being alone in a beautiful night only to realized that I’m immune to the feeling. 

A broken wolf no longer believes that the morning will come. She looks at the moon and cry, cry until no sound can be heard from her. All those cries can be heard from a nearby town and sending goosebumps to everyone. You can feel its pain, a dying hope totally drowned by miseries. She howls to the Moon who’s million miles away from her, the moon who gave her light is also the moon that takes away his hope in certain days. The moon that is shy on certain days and would just leave a smirk in the sky. The moon she longs for is the moon that shines bright to other creatures of the night.

—————————–

I opened my eyes only to see sheer beauty. The darkness invaded me and I am comforted by the shadows of trees behind me. I continue to watch the moon from the horizon assuring me that I’ll be fine. 

I guess I will be fine. I will be fine without you. Without anyone. Don’t give me the light when you don’t plan to stay. Don’t disturb me for I will not be moved. 

I am a broken piece of the past and no one can restore me. I ripped my soul and my heart for my words. My words are my pride and my soul died too many times to believe that there’s hope in love. 

Au revoir. 🐺

 
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Posted by on June 20, 2017 in personal

 

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Rants and Bottled Feelings.

My life seems to be so rudimentary that I usually know how to end and start it. It’s always a series of fortunate and unfortunate events and tests of faith that started way back when my innocence in life got stained by realities. I live a so-so life with pretty much nothing exciting to talk about except of course my rants about life, my work, love gone to heaven so as the fragments of my hope in humanity. Media made me hate those extremists whose causes I don’t actually get. Taxes that suck my hope in our government. Multiple work mails I need to reply. My chaotic mind with a lot of dreams yet still I’m stuck in my own comfort zone who pretty much sucks up my remaining hope in myself. Of course, I get paid but yeah — I still live beyond limits without using my full potential. 

It’s another day of rants so please forgive me.

My mind is such a terrible place to be in. Everyday I get to experience various weather like feels. Sometimes it’s sunny where I tend to have positive thoughts or days when my lurkers start to suck up all the positive ions and left me with undesirable thoughts that can be intoxicating sometimes. Today, I just feel like eating my favorite pie somewhere and talk about nonsense.

As I grow older, people come and people just go. Sometimes we all wish old friends will make time when you’re in dire need of someone but geez I’m not the Hannah Baker type who lashes out in mixtapes how my friends disappointed me big time. It’s just how it is. You just got to live life and be appreciative of people who remembers you and understand those who can’t make time. 


As I tried to be normal at home, I suddenly miss how rowdy it used to be. I missed watching news with my uncle and talk about it during dinner. Pepper is usually hyperactive so we both need to tone her down. Our cat who would just sit in our laps and my mom asking what the news is all about is the typical 6pm scene. Those sepia images of our life before daunted me while I’m drinking beer on a work day and instead of feeling sentimental, I felt surreal. 

I wonder what this home will be like couple of years from now. Will I be alone watching TV with popcorn, chips and beer because I rather be drunk than feel the misery? Will I be with my mom still and live like today? Will I be somewhere else wondering what have happened to our used to be home? The thoughts are too much to bear. I can’t live alone but I can’t leave… Either way it both sucks but I might need to plan everything out before it’s too late.

Work will still be something I need to do to live my wants. I am tired living the employee life and studying much on how to be a better entrepreneur. I need my mind to work and I need growth. I need a life away from the four corners of this corporate world.

I feel so dysfunctional. It’s not the usual routine 12 months ago but what I’m doing each day starts to feel so familiar. I don’t know how my heart functions today especially to the things it used to do or even feel. I started not to care about the world, not to hope, not to assume and not to feel. I’ve totally succumbed into the DGAF mindset. Everything seems to be driven by logic and reasons which pretty much bores me. I’m losing the substance of my own thoughts when I try to write about what I deeply feel — the unwritten chapters now bothering and it’s hard to express what my soul resonates. My mind dies as my heart passionately writes nothing. It’s the killer silence, the panacea of my being.

Until that day comes… 

End. 

 
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Posted by on June 7, 2017 in personal

 

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Happiness : A Quest


The world did not promise a life without challenges. It is so unfair that sometimes you find yourself sulking in one corner whining why life is so unfair and why you of all the millions of people in the world needs to suffer such ordeal. You chug beers after beers hoping to ease the incompleteness you feel only to end up feeling the same shit all over again. Can we just live a life where dreams can be our reality and everything is just how we imagined to be? 
Probably in a perfect world which is obviously… impossible

According to vocabulary.com happiness is defined as a sense of well-being, joy, or contentment. When people are successful, or safe, or lucky, they feel happiness. The “pursuit of happiness” is something this country is based on, and different people feel happiness for different reasons. Whenever doing something causes happiness, people usually want to do more of it. No one ever complained about feeling too much happiness.

Source: https://www.vocabulary.com/dictionary/happiness

Let’s break it down a little bit further.

Happiness is a sense of well-being. 

When you look at yourself in the mirror do you like what you’re seeing?  

Did you turn to be the person you wanted to be?  

Do you still feel sad when people say bad things about you? 

You wanted a better look and a better body, would you undergo aesthetic surgery just to feel beautiful? 

Happiness is contentment. 

Are you satisfied of what you have right now or do you wish for more? 

Is your house the house you planned out or not?  

Do you have any regrets recently because of some decisions you made? 

Hot guy/gal you recently get along with is way better than your partner, will you take the risk of knowing that person more on a different level even if you’re in a relationship? 

Happiness is success. 

Did you pursue that dream job you wanted since preschool? 

Did you get all the rewards you aimed for while you’re in school? 

Do other people see you as a role model? 

Happiness is being lucky. 

Do you remember the time you won a bet or a game without actually expecting it?

Did a random stranger treat you for something without any reason just because? 

You got the early bird prize and you’re in awe because it’s the first time you came on time.

They say you had beginner’s luck after playing a card game you know nothing about and won three consecutive times. 

Such an amazing feeling,  right? 

Happiness is feeling safe and secure. 

Have you thanked God for keeping you safe during the late nights when you’re alone walking on an alley? 

What do you feel after surviving large waves that can almost capsize the vessel you’re on? 

What do you feel after 3 days of traveling alone and now you’re home? 

You’ve seen your investments and started to build your funds for the future. Isn’t it the best decision you made for years? 

You will get married soon, are you sure he/she is really the one? 

Happiness is something universal, is it? 

What makes me happy may not be the same with other people. The word happy may be something most of us understand but what and who makes us happy vary. It is subjective and affective.  It is one’s perception about life, it is indeed a state of mind. I can be happy whenever I travel — feeling the sands in my feet and watching the sun as it totally sets leaving the horizon with yellow orange watercolor-like splats. Writing stuff without any audience still make me happy because it’s my passion even if others find it boring. I write poems and haiku out of boredom and I feel giddy after because I see my thoughts concealed into words. Earlier I posted questions for every definition of happiness hoping I could answer with a solid yes in the future.  It’s not that I have a crappy life, some things don’t make any sense yet. Happiness is a lot of things for a lot of people and I guess it’s not something universal at all.

Recently I encountered a lot of realizations as I people watch in a nearby café where I work. I looked at the building where I spent almost 7 years of my life thinking when will I finally decide to let go. Career opportunities are steps away and I must say I’m earning good but the light within me is about to fade away. Is this where I really want to be? I still don’t have plan B so better yet stay for the mean time and enjoy the company of people I love to be with. I am still happy but if you ask me if I’m satisfied… without second thought my answer would be NO. There’s this voice inside me that screams, you are made to change lives — to change the world. Next question though will be… HOW

Excitement then fades away. 

Unknown couple pass by while I sip my soup. I then wondered how it feels to have someone who’ll appreciate and accept you for who you are. Someone who’ll text you good morning and good night sleep tight after a tiring day at work. The thought actually cringes me but still made me wonder more. Also, I am wondering how some people would actually still continue to be in a relationship just because they’ve been together for a long time or just because they have kids while love and self-respect are slowly fading away. Some may even try to fix all those indifferences up to the point of accepting one’s cheating acts just to salvage the relationship. It may work but most of the time it fails. I don’t know if it’s just me or what but my take on that would be simple, choose whatever makes you happy. Love sometimes ain’t enough to suffice one’s desire for growth or betterment.If the relationship is no longer healthy and if instead of growing together as better individuals you turned out to be your worst version then it’s about time for you to break away from the stress regardless of the years; regardless of what you’ve sworn in church. God didn’t want you to suffer for the rest of your life thus his gift of reason — for us to choose happiness no matter how selfish others may think it would be.People won’t understand until they get to experience it. 

The gloomy weather is just right for my thoughts as I finished my soup and my other post, Resonated Thoughts. I feel happy after eating my molo soup and felt even happier knowing that I’m able to fluidly write what’s on my mind after a long period of writer’s block. I let my imagination and feelings die for the mean time so that I can get back to my work with a more focus mind. It’s hard to tame my inner Anne Frank when it’s in the mood to scribble her thoughts. 

I realized how different we all are and our definition of happiness is just so interesting. Sometimes we get jealous of others not knowing how much they’ve sacrificed just to attain such achievements or material things. As more people pass by in front of me, I can say that for once in our life everyone deserves to be happy and not judged for any choices we make. 

I can conclude that happiness is a quest. It is our daily struggle that we need to surpass.  It is our day to day journey of finding the answers to life’s daunting questions or it can be our random banter moments with friends. It can be deep or superficial depending on your own personality. It can be a good book, an IG-worthy place, aromatic coffee, old wine or a full 8-hour sleep. Sometimes it may take a lifetime to fully understand life’s meaning or probably another lifetime to prove that happiness do exist even if we’re living in a crappy world. We won’t appreciate such joy if we haven’t shed any tears. Happiness is just like other emotions we feel — it’ll pass, just another moment or another beautiful memory.  It fuels us to go on in search for more of that feeling. It is something addictive as we all wanted to be happy for the rest of our lives. 

If you continue to pursue happiness in your daily life then it will surely brings out the best in this world, Y O U


 
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Posted by on January 31, 2017 in personal

 

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Resonated Thoughts. 

I looked at myself in the mirror and how I’ve grown mature over the years. I remembered how much of a battle it is to face adulthood with myself as the best go to person I have. I’ve gone through series of successes and failures who made me wiser and should I say not tough towards myself. 

As I look closely, I wondered how I am still alone. I can see the loneliness of my soul haunting me like a demon, lurking quietly and is about to consume my sunshine anytime. He is there, waiting for the right moment. I suddenly fear all the happy times I have lately for I know it comes with a price. It seems that everything has been too superficial and that happiness is just a fleeting moment; nothing indeed lasts. 

I touched the mirror, no creases emerged from my face though there’s a tingling sensation in my hands. I feel like I’m being burned by my thoughts. The memories became so clear and I realized how f*ck up I am. My life, all of these are just a thing in the moment but deep inside I crave for more…  I long for happiness that will last. I long for conversations that last for hours. I long for someone who’ll be there for me this time. I’ve been saving broken souls only to find out that in the process of fixing and changing other people I’ve lost myself. I thought it’s love, I thought I’m the heroin… I am not. I suddenly became the villain of my own life.  I screwed myself for praying and hoping that he’s the one but I ended up breaking my own soul to hating myself for not being strong enough to fight the complications. I thought I’m strong but I’m not. 

I let go of the mirror. I bowed my head and looked again. I saw a beautiful face. I saw myself accepting her flaws and how her frailty actually strengthened the every fiber of her being. It’s a work in progress.  She flipped her hair confidently knowing she is better now.  I am better now despite the loneliness, despite the cravings, despite the fear of not achieving my dreams and despite the challenges. One day at a time I remind myself. 

One beautiful day at a time. 

My thoughts resonating as alcohol fully subsided. I don’t know why I wanted to write about this but I hope somehow, someone will be inspired to not give up on life and just seize the moment. We are incomplete. We are lost. We are lonely but we need to live. We got to… 

We have to.;)

 
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Posted by on January 30, 2017 in personal

 

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What Love Means To Me. 

I’m not cold hearted, contrary to what other people think of me. I don’t have high standards and I don’t understand why men are intimidated by my wit and quirkiness. 

As I watch the clouds pass by, I came into life queries that are so difficult to answer in a snap. I asked myself what’s wrong. I asked myself all the whys and what ifs the world has to offer. In silence, I can feel my heart drowning in various emotions I got no words to further explain such feeling except that loneliness creeps in leaving me in blues. 

I go back to where it all started. 

I gave my heart to people who didn’t love me as much as I love them. The first one left because I lied to him. The second one, well I pretty much assumed that he’s into me and left me hanging in between then he’s gone and left me for granted. The last one was almost the right one but my insecurities build up walls that separated us.  I still wish someday he’ll find himself and be mature in dealing with everything and finally for him to stand firmly on what he feels rather than not face it at all. I learned that love is not just about having someone who accepted you for being you but it’s also about timing and external factors. It’s about how you fight for it regardless of anything. I am alone because I didn’t fight for what I feel. I am alone because I got scared of his world.  I am alone because he didn’t tell me how much I mean to him. It was probably just plain friendship that grew up into something… 

Whenever I recall the days we used to spend together, I cannot help but be sad because those were the days that I’m happy. I never thought I’ll ever learn to care and love someone. I guess I’ll be forever thankful for him because I was able to care for someone more than I cared for myself and it’s a good thing. I guarded myself for too long and only God knows how much I prayed that he’ll be the one. God left me unanswered prayers that just frustrated me. Things changed now…  I am no longer bothered of us not being together. It saddens me sometimes how I’ve exerted too much time and effort for someone who’ll choose beer and tequila over me. 

As I enter a new year being single I accepted the fact that maybe I’ll end up with no one. I watched my friends find their significant others, some got married and some have kids already. Life is not perfect but I’ve seen them happy having someone by their side,  someone who loves them more than they love themselves and it’s such a beautiful sight to see. 

Sometimes, I wish to have someone who’ll be there for me during the times when I feel so ugly and weak. Someone to remind me that I’m amazing and someone who will make me priority number one regardless of what’s going on in his life. God, if you’re listening right now…  You’ve seen how stupid I can be and how shallow my happiness is. I may miss those car rides, drunken moments and non-stop talks… and how I wish I’ll meet that guy too, not the same like my recent past but someone whom I can banter around on what food to choose in McDonald’s. I want someone I can laugh too and someone who’ll hold my hand when I’m pretty much confused of what’s going om with everything in my life. 

I’m tired of being strong. I’m tired of being alone. 

Love is something endearing, something that warms the frozen corners of our heart and leave us unguarded. It gives us hope in humanity and it makes us believe that life is worth living. Loving someone is a beautiful feeling only few people are lucky to experience. Love month is about to come and I’m still single. How I long for that day when Valentines is one day I’ll look forward to.  How I long for love…  A love that will last forever this time. 

 
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Posted by on January 22, 2017 in personal

 

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Sana, Tayo. 

Di ko lubos maisip kung kailan kita minahal     Bigla lang itong nangyari at di ko dinasal.        Isang araw ako ay nagising na lamang                  Na ikaw na ang laman nitong isipan.

Pilit kong pinigilan ang aking nararamdaman
pero sa bawat paglaban ako ay nauwing talunan.
Ang ngiti mo ang siyang naging lakas
at tanging hiling ko ay kailanman tayo ay di magwakas.

Mapagtukso ang tadhana at pagkakataon
Pinagkalayo tayo ng panahon
Puso ko’y takot na takot sabihin
ang mga salitang sa panaginip ko lang kayang bigkasin.

Pilit kong humayo’t magpakalayo layo
dahil alam kong kailanman walang tayo
Ako ay isang kaibigan lamang na umasa
Sa iyong pagmamahal na akala ko ay may pag-asa.

Ikaw ang paksa sa bawat tula na aking sinulat.
Dahil ang pait sa aking puso ay iyong minulat.
Paalam kaibigan,
Mahal pa rin kita.

 
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Posted by on November 30, 2016 in personal

 

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Space. 

Space. 

It’s been a while since the last time I wrote a poem… 

As I walked away from my thoughts, 

My heart held our memories so tight

and my eyes flooded with pain. 

It was a sober moment with my pent up feelings. 

Enough, said my mind. 

I gripped all of what we have, both good and bad. 

The longer I clasped on each shards of moments we have, 

the more I bleed until I had nothing left. 

Years gone by, I now become a monster of my own past. 

I contemplated several times and waited for a moment that will never happen. 

I looked at how great I was yet clouded by my own weaknesses. 

Gone are the days when I thought of time as my best friend and fate as my mentor. 

The stone may not be casted yet but I’ve decided to quit. 

The battle ended, nobody won except I lose myself in the process of loving you.

I opened my soul to the world full of options. 

I walked away from the raging storm I created after several years of horrendous hopes. 

With bare feet, I rushed away. 

Swiftly. 

The space between my old selves marked my own maturity. 

I freed thyself from your vines that suffocated me with the idea that you will fight for the love you feel too. 

Goodbye. 

 
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Posted by on October 12, 2016 in personal

 

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