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Be Careful What You Wish For.

I was so dead tired last Saturday that I slept from 1pm – 2am. I woke up seeing missed calls from my former graduate school professor so I decided to text her and apologized for not being able to answer it. She told me that one of the biggest corporation in the sugar industry is currently hiring an Organizational Development Manager — a position that I really would love to have since it is more focus on improvement of current company processes by conducting research studies. I know I really want a career revamp since I feel that I am not really making progress anymore. The BPO industry is really dynamic and I owe a lot of my wisdom from my years of experience. I never knew I will last more than 5 years in this industry with my sanity intact. Change is inevitable and just like technology it is so drastic. If you are not resilient enough, you will surely decide to move out and find a company that would not test your patience. I love and at the same time hate my job for no apparent reasons, probably because most of the time I get too bored of doing same stuff but my salary surely pays the bill so it’s one motivation why I chose to stay.

Now, I got an opportunity to kiss my job goodbye and try a new adventure. I have been a YOLO kid with a Peter Pan complex. I mean as much as I want change in my career I am also scared of taking my life seriously. At 25, I want to fix my life but there’s this fear that I may no longer have the freedom to do what I want just like the way it was before. The BPO industry is so diversified unlike any other industries that we have. People of all shapes, sizes and ages are working together without any discrimination unlike some other industries. I mean this has been my comfort zone and I know I have been dying to move out since day 180 of my stay in this industry. I finished my bachelor’s degree in Computer Science yet I was not able to practice it at all. I decided to take up Masters in Business Administration and partly applying some of my learning in dealing with my colleagues and subordinates but it is still not enough. My heart seems to long for something I cannot still decipher what except my endless desire to write, to travel and to learn from other people’s way of dealing with life. My interest right now is more geared towards the complexities of human emotions and how each of us battle our daily lives. It is really more in psychology and humanities. I am a complete f*cked up, I know. I am strayed away from the path I traveled but I guess I am really learning more about myself.

I still cannot decide whether I will apply or not. I mean it is far from home prolly a 2 – hour travel plus it might require some seriousness and discipline which is scary but I know I can deal with that. It’s just that the mere thought of nailing it bites inside my heart because it means that I will be leaving my home. I know I have been whining for the past years of how bored or how monotonous my life can be sometimes but it’s not really the work, it’s the people I have been working for quite some time already that makes leaving quite difficult to imagine. I will surely miss working at night and having lunch at 2am in the morning. It made me live in New York timezone. I usually sleep in the morning and wake up in the afternoon. This kind of life that I used to live seems to be hard to forget. I mean, I was once an innocent noob who does not know how crazy the real world can be but now, I have become an independent woman who thrives hard in order to survive and regain my sanity. The real world is so daunting unlike the way we imagined it to be back when we are still learning everything in high school or in college.

I know I wanted this, I wished for this but I never knew that it will happen all of a sudden. I might think about it more and probably hear the catch first before deciding to take a leap of faith. I just want to be sure and be practical with my decision as I don’t want to leave my chill life as much as possible.

Here’s to another sleepless night, I hope my decision will be right!

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Posted by on September 7, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Enigma.

I’ve been unproductive lately.I choose to be unproductive by the way.  I think I needed some 4-day break for me to detach and sort my emotions out so that I can decide if I will be moving to a different place, probably try a new career or bum out and wait for some sort of a fairy Godmother who will lift all the curses my life have for the past few months. Nah, I’m crazy.

Seriously, I’ve been lounging at home while the rain pours down heavily on our rooftop. I can hear it while I am typing all the letters in this electronic blank space. My head is clouded with thoughts and until now ‘Day 3’ of my leave, I am still undecided on what will my next step in life would be. Maybe I will be committing grammar blunders here again because I am typing so fast as of the moment. I remembered my thoughts before I go to sleep last night. I got some issues to sort out like my pride and attitude. I have been difficult for the past few weeks. Difficult in the sense that I really make people that I don’t want to talk to feel that I don’t want to talk to them at all. My supervisor is actually one of them and yeah, I know I a bit of a challenge. I had coffee with my close friends during break time and I heard what I just said. Sometimes I am going way overboard with my mouth since it is not actually cooperating with my angelic side but I guess honesty is just too liberating. Apart from being an asshole this past few weeks, I am still delivering what is expected from me and my team.

I have been mysterious in some sort of kinda way. Maybe people think I am nice or whatever. Well, I am not. I know I am not nice. I am nice to people that are nice to me. I talk to people that I want to talk to. I respect people. I don’t judge easily. I like those that can compliment my brain but I know that I am not the nicest of all people. I am just being me. If some people ignore me, I ignore them too. Life is easy if you do what others do unto you. I am full of disgust to egocentric people and those that are just plainly trying too hard to be on top. I control my anger because I am nasty when I am in rage, good if I will just walk away and not be too hysterical of the situation.

I have been thinking deeply for the past few days if where I am is still healthy. I have dramas at home, dramas in my own life, dramas with friends and all kinds of dramas to deal with. I wanted an escape from my own comfort zone. I wanted a change of everything but it seems that there are things holding me back. Starting new can be exciting and terrifying but I realized escaping my reality will do more harm than good. I remembered crying myself to sleep last night, blame it to Spotify’s #Hugot playlist that’s full of bullshit songs I choose to listen to. I hate memories, it kills me. Just when I thought I am fine, a sudden gush of emotions filled with beautiful memories came to me. Wow, just wow.

I know I miss him so much. I realized that he’s the one I can share everything without hesitation. He can make me laugh when I am  really really mad and he can ease any tension that I feel. Now that he’s  gone,  life still goes on but with a little difficulty. It’s hard not to have that go to buddy when you are stress. I know I wanted this, I prayed for this moment that he’ll just stay away if he’ll just hurt me in the end but I guessed he still hurt me in ways I can never imagine. I still have questions in my mind, questions I wanted to ask, things to clarify and all those things I wanted to know  but I just can’t force it. I wanted to swallow my pride and reach out again but I don’t think it is right. I tried it once but he does not want me to know even if there’s really an underlying issue, I know I can sense it. People like him are just too hard to decipher when they start to zone out. I know him too well but at this point, I don’t actually understand him. I know we can just talk things out but this one’s a little bit different. I think he judged me already based on the text message which is just so unfair if that’s the case. We do crazy things when we’re intoxicated and I’ve been really crazy that night well half cray cray but then again I know the next day it’s not really sort of a big deal that is why I was still normal but he started zoning out for Chrissake! I know I have feelings but I know it’s not the right time to level it up and be on the romantic side of all things. I don’t think I am ready and he’s just too much to take in. I don’t think it’s going to work out provided he’ll still be himself. It’s fun and all those cute stuff but I am into a long term commitment kind of person, I want my first boyfriend to be my last and those principles I believed in are actually turning me into an old maid. Letting my guards down was actually fun but I know what I really want in my life… I want someone who is dependable, a man who believes in his own convictions and a man who knows what he wants. I don’t need a YOLO guy for the rest of my entire existence here on Earth. I am not being too ideal, I guess a girl has a right to know what he wants for his future husband. I know that at this point, he is not even half of that person I want to spend the rest of my life with but I must admit that I am praying and wishing that someday he’ll change. I guess I wasted my time praying and hoping.

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Maybe he was too afraid to face all the possibilities.

I don’t think being committed to someone is a good idea as of the moment (I am not sourgraping). I was not able to find anyone whom I really like with the qualities of my future husband will be. I mean I got lots of issues to face, problems to deal with and all I need is a friend — a best friend who knows me and yeah I got a lame person who shrugged me off his life leaving me alone without explaining why. Just when I thought he knew me too well, I guess I was wrong. I am not like the other girls in your past, you cannot compare me to them. Since when did I become too clingy? Maybe when I am too drunk and crazy but that’s just it. When I wake up, I am back into my old self realizing I cannot depend much on others to survive. You are another reason why I should stop trusting people. I gave you that trust I rarely give but you turned your back and left me hanging. I don’t know what you’ve been up to lately. I don’t know if you even miss me as much as I miss our long talks. I don’t know you anymore.

I know I am turning into a mad person then emo all of a sudden. I wanted to be mad — well, I have all the right to be mad. You are a coward and an asshole too. Maybe that is why we are friends but I just cannot believe that you can treat me that way. You know me, I will always understand you. I will always be here for you — not because of that crazy feelings I had but because you were my friend. You know how much I care for the people I trust, for the people I value… but even a single explanation, I was not able to get that from you. It hurts to know that I am not even worth an explanation — even a text. If you try to reach out again, do you think I’ll ignore you? No. I will still welcome you and forget all of this shits you’ve been up to. I want the truth, all I want is the truth coming from you. I rather hear the most painful truth than live my life with a beautiful lie. I want you to tell me in a sober conversation, why?

I know I will still be that difficult person to deal with after this blog entry. At 25, I feel more mature and that everyone now listens to what I say. I am no longer the young kid at work, I am now making my own name. I want to be empowered, motivated and driven in my career but as I am gearing towards that path, I become too heartless and focused. I am starting to hate myself but circumstances taught me never to trust anyone too much again.

Yeah, thanks to you by the way!

 
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Posted by on August 22, 2015 in journal, life

 

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03/15 – Day 1: It All Starts With God

I decided to change, well made myself a little empowered rather than killing my time weeping over characters with tragic fate or if not cheesy love stories I wish I have. Yesterday, I was looking for a good book until I bumped into Rick Warren’s Purpose Driven Life. I already read the book and even opted to share it with a friend who shared it to her church which I know served them well. It’s about time for me though to fix myself and again find meaning to my existence. It’s about time for me to let God rule my life just like before. I decided to take the 40-day journey again, this time sharing my thoughts to people and my friends.

Day 1: It All Starts With God

“Everything got started in him and find its purpose in him.” Colossians 1:16b (MSG)

God has always been my source of inspiration, my best friend and the divine force that gives me day to day miracles when I needed it the most. I used to write letters to him daily. My journal begins with Dear God wherein I share my thoughts about what have happened to my day. I wrote everything and anything about my own feelings, my frustrations and my pet peeves. I know that after writing I feel better because I was able to share it with HIM.

Today, I pray for me to find my purpose. I know that my goals, all my aspirations and the steps I take are still insignificant as He – our divine creator already planned out how we can be great, how we can be the person he wanted us to be. I am patiently waiting for HIS time as I know that he will unravel my purpose soon. I know he has plans for me and I should not worry because he never failed me. He might be distant, he might always tell me to wait patiently but in the end it’s for my own betterment. I trust God and my life is meaningless without his grace. He is my supreme being, guiding me in every decision that I make because he knows far better than I am.

God, always remind me that I am a nobody and I need you. I know that this life have a lot of temptations to overcome and I get strayed away frequently. I hope you’ll never get tired of finding me, of showing me that I cannot exist without you and of loving me despite me being a sinner. I will let you rule my life by leading me to the right path no matter how painful or challenging it can be. With you, not all paths lead to success immediately as I might need to encounter a lot of detours and a lot of crossroads before reaching it but I must say when things finally unravel according to your plans, it has always been so beautiful and the wisdom to fully understand why it happened makes me feel so blissful. Thanking God has always been a cliché and at the same time an understatement.

I won’t settle, until I find my purpose as what God designed me to be.

 
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Posted by on March 15, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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10/07 – Day 319: Red Party

Our account’s 4th anniversary was really fun. 🙂

 
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Posted by on October 28, 2012 in life, people, work

 

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09/22 – Day 304: Random Sketches

I have nothing to do during the first hour of my shift. Therefore, I drew Sylvester, some random dinosaur and Snoopy.

 
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Posted by on September 28, 2012 in life

 

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09/12 – Day 294: Taho

Taho — an early morning delight just right after my shift ends. It is famous in the Philippines and is made of fresh tofu, brown sugar, vanilla and pearl tapioca. This is one of my favorite comfort food.

Taho session just before I go home. 🙂

 
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Posted by on September 28, 2012 in food, people

 

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08/03 – Day 254: Motivation

I am not saying Mario Maurer is my inspiration to go to work everyday. Let’s just say I am just being poetic today.

Too many questions running in my mind as of the moment. I would admit I no longer have the drive to pursue what I want to be in the company where I am right now. I don’t know, I already set my mind to leave. I no longer have the interest to stay and grow because of what have happened in the past, the daily retrospections of things that I want to do versus the things I need to do… it’s been a cycle of dramas not development and fulfillment. I know what I can do, what I can offer and what I want to happen in my life. I am lost in the wilderness of life. This is another hard phase in my life because I want a lot of things, I want to exhaust my skills, learn more about myself and just simply enjoy what I am doing.

Yes, I can see growth in where I am. It’s just a vision though. A vision without implementation… a vision without inspiration. Just vision.

What’s my inspiration to work today? — a question I always ask myself.

Random crazy things pop in my mind but upon checking again, those things are usually superficial like seeing your crush, eating your favorite food in the pantry and the random talks shared with friends. I want to wake up each day excited to go to work because it’s my passion, it’s what I want… it’s what I dreamed. I long for that day. But I am blessed to have a job right now compared to others who struggle to seek for a company who would accept them. I am trying to think things over, not closing my mind to what I have as of the moment can offer. I can feel the fulfillment whenever I help someone resolving their issues, I can feel the simple joy of my daily life at the office. There’s something missing though… but it doesn’t really matter as I can live with it.

Time.
It will give me more periods of thinking and pondering.
I just want someone to motivate me and let me see that if I work hard there’s future on where I am right now. I am already tired of motivating myself because no matter how I motivate it sooner or later bad things happen and I need to start over. I don’t seek appreciation and constant attention, I can live my life unnoticed. I just want someone to remind me of my significance.

To be honest, I want a job that can help me inspire other people, I always motivate people to be the best version of themselves. I want them to discover that they are awesome no matter what others say. I believe in people’s potentials. We are all gifted but it’s how you use those gifts that matter in this world. Show the people what you got… never cease believing in
yourself. We are all AWESOME. 🙂

 
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Posted by on August 12, 2012 in journal, life, work, writing

 

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