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Enigma.

I’ve been unproductive lately.I choose to be unproductive by the way.  I think I needed some 4-day break for me to detach and sort my emotions out so that I can decide if I will be moving to a different place, probably try a new career or bum out and wait for some sort of a fairy Godmother who will lift all the curses my life have for the past few months. Nah, I’m crazy.

Seriously, I’ve been lounging at home while the rain pours down heavily on our rooftop. I can hear it while I am typing all the letters in this electronic blank space. My head is clouded with thoughts and until now ‘Day 3’ of my leave, I am still undecided on what will my next step in life would be. Maybe I will be committing grammar blunders here again because I am typing so fast as of the moment. I remembered my thoughts before I go to sleep last night. I got some issues to sort out like my pride and attitude. I have been difficult for the past few weeks. Difficult in the sense that I really make people that I don’t want to talk to feel that I don’t want to talk to them at all. My supervisor is actually one of them and yeah, I know I a bit of a challenge. I had coffee with my close friends during break time and I heard what I just said. Sometimes I am going way overboard with my mouth since it is not actually cooperating with my angelic side but I guess honesty is just too liberating. Apart from being an asshole this past few weeks, I am still delivering what is expected from me and my team.

I have been mysterious in some sort of kinda way. Maybe people think I am nice or whatever. Well, I am not. I know I am not nice. I am nice to people that are nice to me. I talk to people that I want to talk to. I respect people. I don’t judge easily. I like those that can compliment my brain but I know that I am not the nicest of all people. I am just being me. If some people ignore me, I ignore them too. Life is easy if you do what others do unto you. I am full of disgust to egocentric people and those that are just plainly trying too hard to be on top. I control my anger because I am nasty when I am in rage, good if I will just walk away and not be too hysterical of the situation.

I have been thinking deeply for the past few days if where I am is still healthy. I have dramas at home, dramas in my own life, dramas with friends and all kinds of dramas to deal with. I wanted an escape from my own comfort zone. I wanted a change of everything but it seems that there are things holding me back. Starting new can be exciting and terrifying but I realized escaping my reality will do more harm than good. I remembered crying myself to sleep last night, blame it to Spotify’s #Hugot playlist that’s full of bullshit songs I choose to listen to. I hate memories, it kills me. Just when I thought I am fine, a sudden gush of emotions filled with beautiful memories came to me. Wow, just wow.

I know I miss him so much. I realized that he’s the one I can share everything without hesitation. He can make me laugh when I am  really really mad and he can ease any tension that I feel. Now that he’s  gone,  life still goes on but with a little difficulty. It’s hard not to have that go to buddy when you are stress. I know I wanted this, I prayed for this moment that he’ll just stay away if he’ll just hurt me in the end but I guessed he still hurt me in ways I can never imagine. I still have questions in my mind, questions I wanted to ask, things to clarify and all those things I wanted to know  but I just can’t force it. I wanted to swallow my pride and reach out again but I don’t think it is right. I tried it once but he does not want me to know even if there’s really an underlying issue, I know I can sense it. People like him are just too hard to decipher when they start to zone out. I know him too well but at this point, I don’t actually understand him. I know we can just talk things out but this one’s a little bit different. I think he judged me already based on the text message which is just so unfair if that’s the case. We do crazy things when we’re intoxicated and I’ve been really crazy that night well half cray cray but then again I know the next day it’s not really sort of a big deal that is why I was still normal but he started zoning out for Chrissake! I know I have feelings but I know it’s not the right time to level it up and be on the romantic side of all things. I don’t think I am ready and he’s just too much to take in. I don’t think it’s going to work out provided he’ll still be himself. It’s fun and all those cute stuff but I am into a long term commitment kind of person, I want my first boyfriend to be my last and those principles I believed in are actually turning me into an old maid. Letting my guards down was actually fun but I know what I really want in my life… I want someone who is dependable, a man who believes in his own convictions and a man who knows what he wants. I don’t need a YOLO guy for the rest of my entire existence here on Earth. I am not being too ideal, I guess a girl has a right to know what he wants for his future husband. I know that at this point, he is not even half of that person I want to spend the rest of my life with but I must admit that I am praying and wishing that someday he’ll change. I guess I wasted my time praying and hoping.

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Maybe he was too afraid to face all the possibilities.

I don’t think being committed to someone is a good idea as of the moment (I am not sourgraping). I was not able to find anyone whom I really like with the qualities of my future husband will be. I mean I got lots of issues to face, problems to deal with and all I need is a friend — a best friend who knows me and yeah I got a lame person who shrugged me off his life leaving me alone without explaining why. Just when I thought he knew me too well, I guess I was wrong. I am not like the other girls in your past, you cannot compare me to them. Since when did I become too clingy? Maybe when I am too drunk and crazy but that’s just it. When I wake up, I am back into my old self realizing I cannot depend much on others to survive. You are another reason why I should stop trusting people. I gave you that trust I rarely give but you turned your back and left me hanging. I don’t know what you’ve been up to lately. I don’t know if you even miss me as much as I miss our long talks. I don’t know you anymore.

I know I am turning into a mad person then emo all of a sudden. I wanted to be mad — well, I have all the right to be mad. You are a coward and an asshole too. Maybe that is why we are friends but I just cannot believe that you can treat me that way. You know me, I will always understand you. I will always be here for you — not because of that crazy feelings I had but because you were my friend. You know how much I care for the people I trust, for the people I value… but even a single explanation, I was not able to get that from you. It hurts to know that I am not even worth an explanation — even a text. If you try to reach out again, do you think I’ll ignore you? No. I will still welcome you and forget all of this shits you’ve been up to. I want the truth, all I want is the truth coming from you. I rather hear the most painful truth than live my life with a beautiful lie. I want you to tell me in a sober conversation, why?

I know I will still be that difficult person to deal with after this blog entry. At 25, I feel more mature and that everyone now listens to what I say. I am no longer the young kid at work, I am now making my own name. I want to be empowered, motivated and driven in my career but as I am gearing towards that path, I become too heartless and focused. I am starting to hate myself but circumstances taught me never to trust anyone too much again.

Yeah, thanks to you by the way!

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Posted by on August 22, 2015 in journal, life

 

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How it has been so far?

I wanted to control my urge to write but I guess some feelings need to be vent out again for me to feel a little better.

I cut my hair recently.

I unfollowed my ex-friend in Tumblr.

I stopped caring.

Life was a bit simpler this past week and I can say I am back to my old sarcastic and half-witty self. I can now manage to see him without the desire to strangle him and scream what is wrong but I am actually still have my mood swings once in a while. I am still taming my monster side. Just when I thought I am able to manage my anger very well… oh yeah, I am back to square one. I am still my old self. 😲

I hate being mad because things become disastrous. I cannot stop myself from yelling or screaming or I have no idea what I can actually do. I actually prefer to cry instead of throwing something towards that person. I also walk away before I can hurt anyone. Anger does more harm than good.

I must admit I miss him but I am still wondering on the root cause of the sudden change in behavior. I have theories in mind but it won’t lead me into a concrete reason why he became indifferent. I asked myself, is it something I said? The text? What? I won’t assume that he loves me and plainly being confused or assume that he hates me because we are able to text each other after. He knows how I hate bullshit stuff and what he’s doing to me is actually bullshit at its finest. I can deal with the harsh truth than be stuck in a limbo of assumptions.

I was fighting for my feelings. I am shrugging it off because I fear rejection and commitment. I fear the pain that love brings. I fear too much attachment only to realized I lured myself into my own grave. I brought my fears into life and I am battling it right now. He was not my ideal guy but he complimented my brains and made me trust someone completely which rarely happens by the way. I got trust issues but with him I can be my ugly wasted self without caring what he might think of me. I am now writing this part with a heavy heart because I miss my bestfriend. I miss the random talks, foodtrips and laughtrips. It is so hard to be alright and accept that our friendship ended with a big question mark.

My pride tells me to stop reaching out and let things happen as they are meant to happen. I stopped chasing for answers and instead set a stupid timeline. I give you the space you wanted. I realized that I can actually survive without you. You know that feeling when you wanted to share a story and you are the first one who comes into my mind? I wanted to share it to you then we will laugh and forget about the stress we feel at work. I badly control myself not to ping you because my pride tells me that if you want to really talk to me you could have pinged me already weeks ago but you did not. You choose not to and I choose to let go.

I just think it is still unfair of you not telling me though. I guess I am not even worth an explanation.

I shrugged off my feelings because I still cling into that idea that maybe I will find someone who is as hot like Doug Kramer, as smart as Marc Nelson, as God-fearing as Paul Soriano, as cool as Drew Arellano, as handsome as Marlon Stockinger and as amazing as my father. I got this high standards when it comes to relationship only to realize that I have been shrugging my feelings for someone who is not even close to my ideals but complimented me in ways I can no longer explain. You are indeed my greatest nightmare dressed like a daydream. You are so much to take in. I wanted a man but I got a 30-year old boy who still does not know what he really wants in life. I know I deserve someone better as what our friends say but I still empathize with you. I fear your fears. I fear commitment. I fear being attached to you and be in an actual relationship because I am so afraid of your world. I do not know how to fit into it when I am the laidback type. I am low maintenance and the simple things can actually make me happy. I know our financial status is way different since I am the heir of my family’s financial problems. I grew up rich and suffered bankruptcy when I was 19. Life was never easy back then. I had my own issues to fix and my pride tells me that I need to be established first. I seek for a long term relationship. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with someone and not just enter into something half-baked. I prayed for that moment. I prayed hard.

We need to probably sort things out while we are sober and be honest about our fears and feelings. We cannot totally escape this by not talking and pretending one does not exist. I want to give the space you wanted before I totally confront you. This ain’t cool in dealing with life issues. I will never attain the peace I wanted with a hanging chapter in my life.

It’s still a blurry path to the unknown. Work exhausts me and I cannot help but displaced my anger to my supervisor who keeps on nagging us. I want to actually be blunt and just tell him that his ideas are sometimes stupid. I got raging hormones to deal with each day and I do not f*ckingly know how to be chill except of course if I choose to walk away and eat out at dawn alone. I need a break.

That’s it.

😤😥😧

 
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Posted by on August 11, 2015 in life

 

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Love Will Never Be Enough

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http://thelovewhisperer.me

Love does not make you whole, it is you who makes your life whole. ”

Relationship is a commitment between two people who are willing to go through their life complexities together.

I am old fashioned when it comes to love.

At my age right now, I am no longer interested in flings and whatsoever. I’ve never been interested in that kind of set up. I want a serious relationship ever since high school. I can be completely honest by telling those boys who’ve wanted to court me before that I’m not interested.  I don’t want them to make the effort for nothing. I know what I want and if at first it won’t work why would I let them do chivalry acts only to end up broken, that’s unfair and mean.

I would admit I’m in love right now, I cannot deny it because I’ve wrote too much about him. This blog is my personal space that stores my emotions. I know people can read it but I don’t actually care. It’s my thoughts published in an electronic sheet of paper awaiting for other people’s criticisms and judgment. Again, I don’t actually care.

Going back to love shits, I have pondered it too well. I used to rush things as I have a strong feeling we’ll work out but I’ve realized that it’s not just about emotions. Just when I thought I’m ready to commit and confess my feelings, reality slapped me. It’s not easy.

I’m not even ready for commitments. I can’t even fix my personal issues. I can’t even figure out how I will live my life because I’m just simply living in the present not caring too much about the future. I can’t even decide on what I really wanted to be. It’s a little crazy and unfair again to drag someone in my complex world even I can’t figure out. I’m fixing my past relationships for me to have that closure that I totally need. I’m slowly finding each missing pieces to complete my dreams and work on my goals. I am not ready for a relationship at all and God made me realized that. It’s crazy to pray and pray for him to realized I’m actually worth it when in fact he does not deserve someone who still has issues to be fixed.

I actually don’t know until when I’ll work on my life issues. I don’t know if he can actually wait because as I can see he too needs to do something with himself because he has issues as well. I thank God for telling me to wait, not all that I want will happen according to my plans. God has his plans for me and I’m seeking for support and guidance that he’ll help me figure out what I really want in this life. I’m working on my Master’s degree. I was recently promoted. I am still fixing my financial issues and personal dilemmas. I am slowly fixing everything for my own good, for me to be fully ready once the time comes.

Beyond that, I feel blessed and happy. I am happy despite the struggles. I am happy despite the pain I’ve endured. I am happy to have someone I can totally trust. I am happy with what God has given me.

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Posted by on November 10, 2014 in journal, life

 

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The Power of Self – Awareness

I find people amusing. Each of us has our own stories to tell, various backgrounds that mold us on who we are today and different types of personalities that make this world a little lot interesting.

I am one of those gazillions of people living on Earth today.

There are actually lots of personal battles I’m going through despite my all known positive demeanor. I might share some trivial facts about me just because I’m in the urge to blog what feel.

I’m like a coach, pushing people to be their best and learn to love what they do. Quitting was never an option to me. I don’t easily give up no matter how it’ll hurt, no matter how many times I’m subject to such rejection. I’m resilient, patient and definitely persistent.

I am hard – headed. I do things my way especially if it works for me in the past. 

I have my own biases. I don’t listen to people who for me is stupid and does not make any sense.

I am not sweet, not the affectionate kind of girl. I feel so awkward when I try to be thoughtful. I was not born in an outspoken household who confesses to the world how they love each other. I know my parents love me and I love them too but saying I love you in person is really awkward.

I am independent. I don’t like to rely on other people. I don’t like it when I’m someone else’s responsibility not that I’m proving something or whatsoever. I just don’t like that idea. I don’t want to owe anyone anything as much as possible. I want to be responsible of everything that I do because I’m also responsible of my own failure. I don’t want to blame people of my pitfalls.

In relation to me being independent is my unreasonable trust issues. You can’t just make me open up and lay all my cards in the table. Blame it to my pride in some instances but I’m just really the private type. If people starts to open up to me, I swear to God I’m really promising not to break that trust. I’m proud of the people I shared my life with as they’ve accepted me for who I am and kept my secrets guarded.

I love selflessly. Love makes me stupid, vulnerable and weak. It’s like my Achilles heel. And no matter how I tried to fight my feelings, at the end of the day I usually give in. I still pray that I’ll found someone who totally understands me and will definitely tame my independent, hard-headed and egocentric side.

Also, I tried to commit suicide multiple times but I just can’t do it. Depression drives me nuts but I’m glad that increasing my self-esteem and self-awareness really helped me a lot. I acknowledged that life will never go my way all the time. I learned that I’m not always right and that I too can be a failure. I suck at several things and instead of sulking into desperation, I just accept it and move forward.

I plan a lot. I know how I planned my life during my teenage years thus the frustration I feel today. I’m not even halfway in my bucket list. I don’t feel any sense of fulfillment at this age. Honestly, I still don’t know what I really want to happen in my life.

I took up graduate studies to learn more but here I am desperately trying my best to comprehend managerial and financial accounting. I know I’m not really into business and how stupid I am to take the risk of studying something that is actually my weakness. No wonder I’m doomed but it’s a decision I made so I’ll finished what I’ve started.

I want to travel and explore the world. It’s been my dream, to be an ambassador of something. Here I go again in trying to make this world a livable place. A constant reminder to myself:  “I’m not a superhero!”

There are things that have happened that is still not sinking into my system just like my recent promotion if you can actually call it that way. It’s not that I’m surprised or something because I know I deserved it, it’s just that I’m not really too giddy about it. It’s not something I would actually die for, just something that would feed my ego — an affirmation of my worth in the company. I never like politics so wherever I am, I know it’s hard earned. Now that I’ve reached a certain status quo, my mission is then again prove that I can be a good leader despite my own personal issues that I need to straighten out.

I am still learning more about myself. The beauty of writing my thoughts is for me to read it someday and realized that today is actually significant in my tomorrow, that maybe this lost feeling is actually just a period of transformation prepping me up for a much brighter future if not at least a better and bolder person.

If only I can turn back time, I could have tweak something in my life and that would probably my understanding on certain events. Of course, I am thankful on how things turned out to be because it made me lot better. Life’s been tough but glad that I victoriously survived all the ordeals. Today seems to be just a prelude to another challenging yet fulfilling chapter.

I yearn for that day when everything finally makes sense. When all the confusion, the pains, the weariness and the tears will actually disappear and a new wisdom about life follows. I know someone out there feels the way I do and I hope he or she won’t just give up. I’m still holding on to my faith. I trust God and his plans for me. Who am I to question his grander plan? Time is of the essence here. I trust him when he says wait and I trust him more when he says NO.

Life’s chaotic but you really need to find your zen or else you’ll lose your sanity. There are times, most of the time perhaps that I feel like I’m stuck in a hapless situation and that it sucks to pretend I’m fine when I’m actually not. I imbibed this chill persona because it made me less insane with life. I always took some moments off my daily routine such as walking or blogging to connect to my inner self. It’s a stressful world we’re all in, problems growing if left unattended, deadly deadlines to beat and the demands of people are just too much to take. It took me a while to master this zen aura though. I’m always mad as what Hulk said in Avengers but I need to control my emotions. I drew wisdom from past experiences and spent few hours contemplating. I’ve nursed my bruised ego several times and realized that someone out there is actually better than me so I just need to know myself more and find my own spotlight.

Invest only in good karma and learn to forgive because it makes life hell lot better. So that’s basically it — learn the art of self – awareness that will lead you to accept yourself in ways you never thought you can and in the end will surely boost your own self esteem making you a better person.

 
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Posted by on October 13, 2014 in inspirational, journal, life, Life Blog

 

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