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She Wolf.

My heart is full and I would want to write my thoughts but I got a problem though, it’s hard to express it all in plain sentences so I opted to use metaphors in describing what I feel. I just need to write it before I burst into pieces, devour my thoughts for it feed me too long enough to take my sanity away.

I would want to take this opportunity to raise a toast to the broken ones who no longer had hope in love. I’m too broken to believe anymore.

The night is too young as of the moment but I’m daydreaming my own darkness whilst I’m all alone in a beach watching the full moon as it casts its light to everything that surrounds me. I can feel the eerieness but I am born alpha, no fear of the unknown. 

The chill runs down my spine and I wanted the darkness to eat me… slowly, until nothing is left. I want to escape the pangs of being alone in a beautiful night only to realized that I’m immune to the feeling. 

A broken wolf no longer believes that the morning will come. She looks at the moon and cry, cry until no sound can be heard from her. All those cries can be heard from a nearby town and sending goosebumps to everyone. You can feel its pain, a dying hope totally drowned by miseries. She howls to the Moon who’s million miles away from her, the moon who gave her light is also the moon that takes away his hope in certain days. The moon that is shy on certain days and would just leave a smirk in the sky. The moon she longs for is the moon that shines bright to other creatures of the night.

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I opened my eyes only to see sheer beauty. The darkness invaded me and I am comforted by the shadows of trees behind me. I continue to watch the moon from the horizon assuring me that I’ll be fine. 

I guess I will be fine. I will be fine without you. Without anyone. Don’t give me the light when you don’t plan to stay. Don’t disturb me for I will not be moved. 

I am a broken piece of the past and no one can restore me. I ripped my soul and my heart for my words. My words are my pride and my soul died too many times to believe that there’s hope in love. 

Au revoir. 🐺

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Posted by on June 20, 2017 in personal

 

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What Love Means To Me. 

I’m not cold hearted, contrary to what other people think of me. I don’t have high standards and I don’t understand why men are intimidated by my wit and quirkiness. 

As I watch the clouds pass by, I came into life queries that are so difficult to answer in a snap. I asked myself what’s wrong. I asked myself all the whys and what ifs the world has to offer. In silence, I can feel my heart drowning in various emotions I got no words to further explain such feeling except that loneliness creeps in leaving me in blues. 

I go back to where it all started. 

I gave my heart to people who didn’t love me as much as I love them. The first one left because I lied to him. The second one, well I pretty much assumed that he’s into me and left me hanging in between then he’s gone and left me for granted. The last one was almost the right one but my insecurities build up walls that separated us.  I still wish someday he’ll find himself and be mature in dealing with everything and finally for him to stand firmly on what he feels rather than not face it at all. I learned that love is not just about having someone who accepted you for being you but it’s also about timing and external factors. It’s about how you fight for it regardless of anything. I am alone because I didn’t fight for what I feel. I am alone because I got scared of his world.  I am alone because he didn’t tell me how much I mean to him. It was probably just plain friendship that grew up into something… 

Whenever I recall the days we used to spend together, I cannot help but be sad because those were the days that I’m happy. I never thought I’ll ever learn to care and love someone. I guess I’ll be forever thankful for him because I was able to care for someone more than I cared for myself and it’s a good thing. I guarded myself for too long and only God knows how much I prayed that he’ll be the one. God left me unanswered prayers that just frustrated me. Things changed now…  I am no longer bothered of us not being together. It saddens me sometimes how I’ve exerted too much time and effort for someone who’ll choose beer and tequila over me. 

As I enter a new year being single I accepted the fact that maybe I’ll end up with no one. I watched my friends find their significant others, some got married and some have kids already. Life is not perfect but I’ve seen them happy having someone by their side,  someone who loves them more than they love themselves and it’s such a beautiful sight to see. 

Sometimes, I wish to have someone who’ll be there for me during the times when I feel so ugly and weak. Someone to remind me that I’m amazing and someone who will make me priority number one regardless of what’s going on in his life. God, if you’re listening right now…  You’ve seen how stupid I can be and how shallow my happiness is. I may miss those car rides, drunken moments and non-stop talks… and how I wish I’ll meet that guy too, not the same like my recent past but someone whom I can banter around on what food to choose in McDonald’s. I want someone I can laugh too and someone who’ll hold my hand when I’m pretty much confused of what’s going om with everything in my life. 

I’m tired of being strong. I’m tired of being alone. 

Love is something endearing, something that warms the frozen corners of our heart and leave us unguarded. It gives us hope in humanity and it makes us believe that life is worth living. Loving someone is a beautiful feeling only few people are lucky to experience. Love month is about to come and I’m still single. How I long for that day when Valentines is one day I’ll look forward to.  How I long for love…  A love that will last forever this time. 

 
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Posted by on January 22, 2017 in personal

 

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Friday Morning Solitude.

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He was the thought behind unfinished sentences and discarded blog posts. I write several sentences until my eyes swell and a lump in my throat bothers me. I hit the discard post over save and look at the screen of my phone like a kid deprived of her favorite chocolates. I pray this feeling ends soon because it kills me. It’s like waiting for a moment that you know will never happen but you keep on waiting. You keep on believing that you are awesome and that he should see that like how others see you. You believe that you’re smart, you’re nice and you’re the best he could have. You know you’re worth the words so you choose to wait until he realize that you are the answered prayer. You are his the one.

It was always a battle between justifying my feelings when I know it’ll never be justified at all. I tried to let go countless times but I’m still here stuck with a realization that I’ll never be at peace. I keep on cutting the weeds that suffocate me trying to free myself from his entirety but I can’t. I just can’t.

I look at my phone several times waiting for his text just like how it was before. I keep on wishing nothing actually changed but it changes as months pass by. There’s awkwardness and sadness because the person you thought will never leave you sees you as an option and no longer the priority. Suddenly I keep on asking myself if I’m indeed an asshole. I started to question my worth. I started to doubt myself, started to feel that I’m not enough, started to feel so small in his world. I decided to step back and the loneliness is haunting. I trusted him, told him everything about my life and now I felt that I shared too much of me to someone who does not want to be with me anymore. He’s already keeping a part of himself from me and that makes me actually feel like I can no longer be the person anyone can trust.

I wish to be saved by someone else’s smile and courage to blurt out those words that will awake me from my nightmares and daydreams. I know how hard I prayed to God that I’ll find someone who matches my kind of crazy. He should be honest enough to tell me that I complement his personality. Someone who’ll make me realize that I’m waiting for someone who does not value me because I’m not rich, I’m not beautiful and I’m not smart enough. I’m in limbo of emotions and it’s killing me.

Here’s to my own tragedy… untold, half-written and full of unnecessary pain.

 
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Posted by on February 26, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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