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Rants and Bottled Feelings.

My life seems to be so rudimentary that I usually know how to end and start it. It’s always a series of fortunate and unfortunate events and tests of faith that started way back when my innocence in life got stained by realities. I live a so-so life with pretty much nothing exciting to talk about except of course my rants about life, my work, love gone to heaven so as the fragments of my hope in humanity. Media made me hate those extremists whose causes I don’t actually get. Taxes that suck my hope in our government. Multiple work mails I need to reply. My chaotic mind with a lot of dreams yet still I’m stuck in my own comfort zone who pretty much sucks up my remaining hope in myself. Of course, I get paid but yeah — I still live beyond limits without using my full potential. 

It’s another day of rants so please forgive me.

My mind is such a terrible place to be in. Everyday I get to experience various weather like feels. Sometimes it’s sunny where I tend to have positive thoughts or days when my lurkers start to suck up all the positive ions and left me with undesirable thoughts that can be intoxicating sometimes. Today, I just feel like eating my favorite pie somewhere and talk about nonsense.

As I grow older, people come and people just go. Sometimes we all wish old friends will make time when you’re in dire need of someone but geez I’m not the Hannah Baker type who lashes out in mixtapes how my friends disappointed me big time. It’s just how it is. You just got to live life and be appreciative of people who remembers you and understand those who can’t make time. 


As I tried to be normal at home, I suddenly miss how rowdy it used to be. I missed watching news with my uncle and talk about it during dinner. Pepper is usually hyperactive so we both need to tone her down. Our cat who would just sit in our laps and my mom asking what the news is all about is the typical 6pm scene. Those sepia images of our life before daunted me while I’m drinking beer on a work day and instead of feeling sentimental, I felt surreal. 

I wonder what this home will be like couple of years from now. Will I be alone watching TV with popcorn, chips and beer because I rather be drunk than feel the misery? Will I be with my mom still and live like today? Will I be somewhere else wondering what have happened to our used to be home? The thoughts are too much to bear. I can’t live alone but I can’t leave… Either way it both sucks but I might need to plan everything out before it’s too late.

Work will still be something I need to do to live my wants. I am tired living the employee life and studying much on how to be a better entrepreneur. I need my mind to work and I need growth. I need a life away from the four corners of this corporate world.

I feel so dysfunctional. It’s not the usual routine 12 months ago but what I’m doing each day starts to feel so familiar. I don’t know how my heart functions today especially to the things it used to do or even feel. I started not to care about the world, not to hope, not to assume and not to feel. I’ve totally succumbed into the DGAF mindset. Everything seems to be driven by logic and reasons which pretty much bores me. I’m losing the substance of my own thoughts when I try to write about what I deeply feel — the unwritten chapters now bothering and it’s hard to express what my soul resonates. My mind dies as my heart passionately writes nothing. It’s the killer silence, the panacea of my being.

Until that day comes… 

End. 

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Posted by on June 7, 2017 in personal

 

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What Love Means To Me. 

I’m not cold hearted, contrary to what other people think of me. I don’t have high standards and I don’t understand why men are intimidated by my wit and quirkiness. 

As I watch the clouds pass by, I came into life queries that are so difficult to answer in a snap. I asked myself what’s wrong. I asked myself all the whys and what ifs the world has to offer. In silence, I can feel my heart drowning in various emotions I got no words to further explain such feeling except that loneliness creeps in leaving me in blues. 

I go back to where it all started. 

I gave my heart to people who didn’t love me as much as I love them. The first one left because I lied to him. The second one, well I pretty much assumed that he’s into me and left me hanging in between then he’s gone and left me for granted. The last one was almost the right one but my insecurities build up walls that separated us.  I still wish someday he’ll find himself and be mature in dealing with everything and finally for him to stand firmly on what he feels rather than not face it at all. I learned that love is not just about having someone who accepted you for being you but it’s also about timing and external factors. It’s about how you fight for it regardless of anything. I am alone because I didn’t fight for what I feel. I am alone because I got scared of his world.  I am alone because he didn’t tell me how much I mean to him. It was probably just plain friendship that grew up into something… 

Whenever I recall the days we used to spend together, I cannot help but be sad because those were the days that I’m happy. I never thought I’ll ever learn to care and love someone. I guess I’ll be forever thankful for him because I was able to care for someone more than I cared for myself and it’s a good thing. I guarded myself for too long and only God knows how much I prayed that he’ll be the one. God left me unanswered prayers that just frustrated me. Things changed now…  I am no longer bothered of us not being together. It saddens me sometimes how I’ve exerted too much time and effort for someone who’ll choose beer and tequila over me. 

As I enter a new year being single I accepted the fact that maybe I’ll end up with no one. I watched my friends find their significant others, some got married and some have kids already. Life is not perfect but I’ve seen them happy having someone by their side,  someone who loves them more than they love themselves and it’s such a beautiful sight to see. 

Sometimes, I wish to have someone who’ll be there for me during the times when I feel so ugly and weak. Someone to remind me that I’m amazing and someone who will make me priority number one regardless of what’s going on in his life. God, if you’re listening right now…  You’ve seen how stupid I can be and how shallow my happiness is. I may miss those car rides, drunken moments and non-stop talks… and how I wish I’ll meet that guy too, not the same like my recent past but someone whom I can banter around on what food to choose in McDonald’s. I want someone I can laugh too and someone who’ll hold my hand when I’m pretty much confused of what’s going on with everything in my life. 

I’m tired of being strong. I’m tired of being alone. 

Love is something endearing, something that warms the frozen corners of our heart and leave us unguarded. It gives us hope in humanity and it makes us believe that life is worth living. Loving someone is a beautiful feeling only few people are lucky to experience. Love month is about to come and I’m still single. How I long for that day when Valentines is one day I’ll look forward to.  How I long for love…  A love that will last forever this time. 

 
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Posted by on January 22, 2017 in personal

 

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