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Unseen. Untold. Uncovered.

​Linkin Park

What goes in your mind when you hear the band name? Numb? In the end? Leave out all the rest? What I’ve Done? Depression? Suicide? A lot of great songs that made my high school to college life saner. Finally a band that sang my life anthems. They sang my thoughts and cradled my demons to sleep. I love most of their songs especially the non electro rock ones. 

They remind me of what I exactly feel and see — darkness. 

Source: Chester Charles Bennington ( March 20, 1976 – July 20, 2017 ) 

It’s in the news and social media recently that Chester Bennington their lead vocalist died because of suicide. Another warrior who chose to let his shield down and got carried away by his own demons. It is sad but people like us understands. This life has no way out when you keep on waiting for God except if you decide to end it too soon. I guess those who survives will continue and those who quitted, God bless their souls. 

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
And don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest”

Linkin Park – Leave Out All The Rest

Leave Out All The Rest

Depression can be deadly. It also kills the people that values you. Do not make yourself a memory if there is still a chance for you to make greater memories while living. 

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I had a casual conversation with my best pal yesterday about life, suicide and depression. I thanked him for being there and for understanding my own demons. I met these people during my darkest until I found myself again. I fought it victoriously few months ago when I decided to go away for 5 days and engaged myself in a solo trip in Luzon. I did everything alone and tried to feel how great it is to live away from your comfort zone. It was life changing and I have few takeaways from that amazing trip. It made me feel alive again. The purpose why we exist is a difficult question to answer but you need to have a tough mind to absorb what life has to offer. I got to figure it all out slowly but nevertheless I am on the right track.
Not all people understand depression and how crooked all the wires in our head can be. I am grateful to find people who listens and understands… who accepted me and loved every fiber of my madness. I am not very open to share my life because not all people get what I am going through. I am not tough, I am too vulnerable and I easily get too attached to people who trust me and vice versa. I fear to be in situation when I am giving all that I am and they will just reject my efforts and my feelings. I get so attached to people who I know needs me. 

 
Going back to our conversation, not seeking for help is too selfish. I agree, totally! Not all people can be like me who always choose to live by watching videos about coping up with depression, praying, travelling and writing. Some die. Few lives. Not all understand that suicide can be selfish, not all understand how it will affect the people around them — people who values them. We want to die because we think life no longer have meaning for us but we don’t see how we can affect our parents, our family and friends. We want to escape our demons who control us because we could not see ourself the way others see us. We are blinded by thoughts we created in our minds. We are overthinkers and overdoers. We see ourselves as failures, a nobody and useless. We need to talk things out. We need to verbalize our feelings so that our friends would understand and that is the greatest decision I have made — to share my plans of killing myself because I cannot take it anymore. Crying helps. Beer helps. Talking saves.

(This song pretty much sums up what I feel)

“Should’ve stayed, were there signs, I ignored?

Can I help you, not to hurt, anymore?
We saw brilliance, when the world, was asleep
There are things that we can have, but can’t keep.
If they say

Who cares if one more light goes out?
In the sky of a million stars
It flickers, flickers
Who cares when someone’s time runs out?
If a moment is all we are
Or quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out?

Well I do.

The reminders, pull the floor from your feet
In the kitchen, one more chair than you need, oh
And you’re angry, and you should be, it’s not fair
Just ’cause you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it, isn’t there.”

One More Light – Linkin Park

One More Light

I do. I’ve been there. I totally do care.

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Honesty is necessary and sometimes it is just so tough to admit that we are weak. I am guilty of that and I am blessed to have few friends who can bluntly tell me how selfish I can be and that I am a person of value in their lives. I am stubborn. I am destroying my own life because of my thoughts and my feelings. This life should be taken easily. Wherever you are right now is probably where you should be. Stop listening to people’s opinions of you because you need to be in tune of yourself. The only opinion that matters is yours and yours alone. Admit that you are a failure and who cares? Everyone at some point in their lives, fail. I know I am a failure. I know I have hurt people. I know I have offended someone. I know I am an asshole. I know I am not beautiful. I know that nobody loves me as a lover. I know I cannot depend on people all the time because they can be a disappointment.We think that we should all conform to what the society needs. I suck. We suck. Who cares? Only you care about it, so why not change how our brains are wired. It is a process, a slow progress.

Spend time alone to think on what you can do to help yourself. 

I only got myself and I owe it to myself to be better each day because when all else fails, I still have ME.

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We cannot see our value because we are blinded by our own darkness.

We keep our demons in places we only see. Why not let them dance with people of value in our lives. 

We need to discover our strengths, our weaknesses through various opportunities and set backs that we need to face each day.

Life is damn short and being with our own demons seem to be forever but always choose to be better. 


Choose to live.

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Posted by on July 29, 2017 in personal

 

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Rants and Bottled Feelings.

My life seems to be so rudimentary that I usually know how to end and start it. It’s always a series of fortunate and unfortunate events and tests of faith that started way back when my innocence in life got stained by realities. I live a so-so life with pretty much nothing exciting to talk about except of course my rants about life, my work, love gone to heaven so as the fragments of my hope in humanity. Media made me hate those extremists whose causes I don’t actually get. Taxes that suck my hope in our government. Multiple work mails I need to reply. My chaotic mind with a lot of dreams yet still I’m stuck in my own comfort zone who pretty much sucks up my remaining hope in myself. Of course, I get paid but yeah — I still live beyond limits without using my full potential. 

It’s another day of rants so please forgive me.

My mind is such a terrible place to be in. Everyday I get to experience various weather like feels. Sometimes it’s sunny where I tend to have positive thoughts or days when my lurkers start to suck up all the positive ions and left me with undesirable thoughts that can be intoxicating sometimes. Today, I just feel like eating my favorite pie somewhere and talk about nonsense.

As I grow older, people come and people just go. Sometimes we all wish old friends will make time when you’re in dire need of someone but geez I’m not the Hannah Baker type who lashes out in mixtapes how my friends disappointed me big time. It’s just how it is. You just got to live life and be appreciative of people who remembers you and understand those who can’t make time. 


As I tried to be normal at home, I suddenly miss how rowdy it used to be. I missed watching news with my uncle and talk about it during dinner. Pepper is usually hyperactive so we both need to tone her down. Our cat who would just sit in our laps and my mom asking what the news is all about is the typical 6pm scene. Those sepia images of our life before daunted me while I’m drinking beer on a work day and instead of feeling sentimental, I felt surreal. 

I wonder what this home will be like couple of years from now. Will I be alone watching TV with popcorn, chips and beer because I rather be drunk than feel the misery? Will I be with my mom still and live like today? Will I be somewhere else wondering what have happened to our used to be home? The thoughts are too much to bear. I can’t live alone but I can’t leave… Either way it both sucks but I might need to plan everything out before it’s too late.

Work will still be something I need to do to live my wants. I am tired living the employee life and studying much on how to be a better entrepreneur. I need my mind to work and I need growth. I need a life away from the four corners of this corporate world.

I feel so dysfunctional. It’s not the usual routine 12 months ago but what I’m doing each day starts to feel so familiar. I don’t know how my heart functions today especially to the things it used to do or even feel. I started not to care about the world, not to hope, not to assume and not to feel. I’ve totally succumbed into the DGAF mindset. Everything seems to be driven by logic and reasons which pretty much bores me. I’m losing the substance of my own thoughts when I try to write about what I deeply feel — the unwritten chapters now bothering and it’s hard to express what my soul resonates. My mind dies as my heart passionately writes nothing. It’s the killer silence, the panacea of my being.

Until that day comes… 

End. 

 
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Posted by on June 7, 2017 in personal

 

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