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Ain’t Skinny Love.

I looked at old blog posts trying to feel those words I used to write, but it didn’t trigger any response from my soul.  It is far most the strangest feeling I have felt for years – the dire need to write but no words can totally express what I really feel.  

It’s been a while since I sat quietly watching people live their lives. Few weeks ago I feel a little lonelier than the usual that eating alone makes me sad but today is a little bit different. I feel fine despite the gloomy weather and Ellie Goulding’s Your Song is consuming me inside. I guess I’m back to my old self except that I’m also pretty much bothered and amused of recent events in my life.  

The concept of skinny love has been in my system since that drunken moment of yesteryears and how I dread if it will happen again. It’s that kind of love that both parties care but just can’t find the courage to tell how much they love each other. It’s governed by fear of losing a beautiful friendship so you’ll stick to that read between the lines, think whatever you wanted to think kind of relationship. Sucks,  I  know.

I’m not good in detecting possible relationships unless of course they’ll tell me their intentions. Gone are those days when rainbows, unicorns and pixiedusts inspire me. I stopped assuming. I stopped believing. I stopped hoping that a prince will save me from my loneliness and show me that life’s too beautiful if shared with the one you love. I became too much of a realist and dealing with that side of myself is torture. I became Maleficent like, still cares for Aurora but won’t show signs of any vulnerability. Tears are for the weak. It destroyed all the tinge of positivity in my soul. It made me stone cold.  I was so dysfunctional with a strong belief that I’m not worth it all. I felt unloved and so undeserving of a pure heart. My mind is such a fucked up place so as my soul. 

I have this guy friend who recently told me that I’m being too hard towards myself. Sometimes ideas overflow when alcohol is dominating our system and that drunken conversation despite the blurry feels actually got stuck in my mind. Maybe I am not that bad.  Maybe I deserve to fall in love again and pretty much puzzled those broken pieces of my China heart.  Maybe… just maybe. Maybe this time I can straighten things out and start all over again. Maybe I started to care and that scares me for it can be a beginning of something else. Am I feeling something?  Yes.  There might be butterflies but it didn’t run amuck inside. It’s not even love. It’s something new and I can’t even define it. It’s there but it’s not where my life revolves. It’s there, it exists and I acknowledged it but what’s that feeling  then?

I don’t feel like dying today unlike those days when I wish loneliness was never a feeling people feel. It’s like a regular kind of day when I wish to fast forward it to my soon to be best days. I made stupid decisions — what else is new?  I wanted to save more money to fulfill my wants and probably it can buy me experience that will make me sort out my life. Bottom line, I’m still fucked up as of this writing despite the will to change my life course. 

I started to over think my reactions and tried to over think more of what’s going on. I started to panic when a friend told me that I’m so dense not to see that my closest friend right now is into me. I don’t believe it at first until I started to rehash everything from day one.  It’s not that easy as it seems especially if we’re talking about feelings.  It’s complicated because he’s in a relationship. I hate it when people suggest and you tend to think about it until confusion starts.  I  got confused I must admit but I went back to the time when I used to feel the magic. The stone cold heart I have started to warm up but all of the things I’m feeling is all new.  It’s not what I’ve felt before so it’s harder to define and it’s something I cannot explain. 

People come into our lives for a reason, some may go fast and some choose to imprint our souls. Maybe the recent things happened for me to feel a little bit more of a human being. I feel better, wiser and stronger. I may have been confused and partly swayed by the thoughts but I know for sure that I don’t deserve to be just anyone’s third party and that I too deserve to be happy in God’s perfect time.  All I need is to be honest on everything that I feel and instead of escaping, it would be better to face it no matter how painful the results can be. Life is all about perfect timing and I might need to ask for more patience to wait and just enjoy what I have as of the moment. 

And to that friend of mine who I love to tease, thanks for being one of the person whom I know will always have my back no matter what.  I’ll stick to what I said, I won’t be another skinny lover who’s afraid to tell the world of what she feels.  If that time comes you’ll be the first to know.  For now, I’m happy of our friendship and thanks for doing an extra mile of saving it when I’ve decided to not bother at all. 

Life comes with extra feels and sometimes you just let life be life and not expect too much because what’s meant to happen will happen whether we like it or not. 

Learn, always.  

Never stick to a skinny kind of love when you can put your heart on your sleeve and love fully. 

We all deserve love, in time. 

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Posted by on July 5, 2017 in personal

 

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Sunday Confessions.

It’s been a week without communicating.

I am mad at him for not telling me what is wrong, for being indifferent towards me and for being unfair. I am in rage, I can feel the anger seeping into my system. I wanted to yell, to scream and hate him for what he is doing hurts me a lot. You don’t know how much pain you’re causing me right now. I still cannot forgive myself after that text. I cannot comprehend still what made me say those words but I know how wasted I am that night. It already happened, I cannot take those words anymore.

I still don’t get it why you are so indifferent towards me. I am your crazy bestfriend in the office. We talk about random and silly things. We talk about work shits and we laugh all the time. We should not be affected by the words we say or text when we are drunk. You told me you love me, I never bothered because you are drunk. I texted you goodnight and keep safe and you got bothered. Is it the love part? Is it the worry? Is it the care I had for you? You are my bestfriend, you are important to me. A part of me will die if something happens to you. I cannot imagine my life without you. I trusted you so much of my own issues, you know how much I do not like to talk about personal shits but I did because you are trustworthy.

I miss you. I miss my bestfriend. I miss us. I don’t care about love because I am a complete fucked up. I just want the old us, I want my friend back. Earlier today I prayed hard. I prayed to God to cast away my anger towards you. Bad things happen to the people I hate and I cannot do that to you. I cannot curse people I value so I prayed and repented. I am sorry.

I decided to be true to myself. I realize how you impacted my life in reasons I can no longer explain. Days without you seem to be so dull. Life at work becomes stressful. I love you, it’s true. I love you but I want our friendship to last forever. I want this friendship to work, to be just like the old times. That is what I need in my life right now. I do not know how to handle being in a relationship. I mean, what I had a decade ago was an almost relationship that was so amazing until it lasted. I never decided to give in after that. It took me almost a decade to forgive myself. I never let my guards down as what I’ve always say. I have no idea what happened that night. It’s like someone took over myself. Well, those were feelings I shrugged off. Feelings I am afraid to face and deal, feelings that I hid because I am too ashamed to admit and feelings that I took for granted because I know will just complicate everything.

God, I rest my case. I don’t know how to move on when there is too much to remember. You cannot just forget a friend, a friend that is so damn real. It stings still when I remember the good times. It hurts me so bad not knowing the reason why. You just shut me off and here I am wondering why.

It was just a text, it was nothing unless of course if you felt something too. I know I was never sweet towards you but I do care for you. With what have happened to you almost a month ago, I started to worry about your well-being. I want to be there for you, to help you out and support you. I think that is normal to care it’s just that even I was shocked of my own sweetness towards you. I know you are not used to it but it happened already. I am sorry if you felt so awkward but you should have told me rather than avoiding me. You are so frustrating. I reached out and asked you already but it seems that you do not want to talk about it further.

You are my bestfriend. I will give you the space that you want. I am just a text away if you need me. I will always  be here for you. I need to stop seeking for answers. I need to be patient enough and let things happen. I cannot control circumstances but I can control myself. I don’t want to sulk into misery of understanding and hating you. I cannot waste more time. I cannot be depress for too long.

I just miss you so much. Can we be bestfriends again? Let’s forget those feelings. 😢

 
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Posted by on August 2, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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10/12 – Day 324: Giving

We should always learn to give. There are things we need to let go because it’s beneficial for others.

It’s not just about material things, we can actually give someone the attention that they want, the time, the trust, the respect and the list goes on. Giving someone something can humble yourself, it can help us gain wisdom and it can actually change the world.

If people starts to give and not always take then the world will be a better place to live in.

Let me share what Mother Teresa once wrote:

“It’s not how much we give but how much love we put into giving.
Always have a cheerful smile. Don’t only give your care, but give your heart as well.
There is a terrible hunger for love. We all experience that in our lives — the pain, the loneliness. We must have the courage to recognize it. The poor you may have in your own family. Find them. Love them. Good works are links that form a chain of love. We are all pencils in the hand of God.”

Giving heightens our vitality. It gives us a certain type of joy.

“Giving brings happiness at every stage of its expression. We experience joy in forming the intention to be generous. We experience joy in the actual act of giving something. We experience joy in remembering the facts that we have given.”Buddha

 
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Posted by on November 3, 2012 in life, people

 

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10/10 – Day 322: Courage

Everyday is a test of courage.

Life is hard and not always fair. It’s just the way things are whether we like it or not. We usually whine, snivel around in every decision that we need to make and blame God for every impossible challenges that we need to go through. We need to have the courage to face each hard blows that life has to offer and make the most out of it.

George Bernard Shaw once wrote that we should be a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.We should always expect that pain is inevitable part of life. When it happens all you need to have is a brave soul, a heart that triumphantly beats and a positive mind. We are bigger than our problems, we just need to have the right mindset.It really takes courage to live our lives.

I understand the Courage to Be as the courage to say “yes” to life in spite of all the
negative elements in human existence — in spite of man’s finitude, which means his coming from nothing and going to nothing to die… It takes courage to see in the reality around us and in us something ultimately positive and meaningful and live with it, even love it. Loving life is perhaps the highest form of the courage to be
.” — Paul Tillich

I sometimes ask myself, when will I be ready to step out of my comfort zone? When will I have the courage to take the risk of living like there’s nno tomorrow? I don’t know the answer but what I know is I need to be brave enough to face the future and the consequences of the decisions that I need to make.

 
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Posted by on October 28, 2012 in hobby, journal, life

 

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07/29 – Day 249: Mom and Me

Long talks about love and life make me appreciate the relationship I have with my mom. We talked about how I was being a kid and that she’s proud of me today. I always tell her that I will not do anything to disappoint her and that I will do anything for her as what I have promised to my dad when he died. I don’t blame my mom for every dream and opportunity that I need to let go. It has been my choice, I choose to stay for her, for the family I have even if I need to let go of my biggest dreams. I want to spend more time with her because I don’t know what will happen in the near future. My mom is no longer young and strong enough to be here for me for another 2 decades. All I want is to be the best version of myself for her, she’s all that I got. We always talk… I always update her of what’s going on with my life. She knows that I know what I am doing, she let me follow my dreams and decide on what I really want to do in my life. I am glad that my mom taught me how to be strong, independent and optimistic. Thank God, you gave me awesome parents! I love my mom! I love my dad! I love me! haha 🙂

 
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Posted by on August 4, 2012 in journal, life, Life Blog

 

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06/29 – Day 219: Letting the Past Go

After reading Message in a Bottle, I got so inspired to write again. It’s been years since I write about him and I am glad that I have the courage to face the past all again. I did not intend to share my story but I will share my letter for some to realized that we just need to let the past go for us to enjoy our today.

Dear Bes,

Today, I recall how my life turned out to be without you in my life. After all that was said and done…

For the nth time I seek for forgiveness. I know you have forgiven me and the past has been burned in your end already. It’s about time I also forgive myself for what I have done. There are times where I can say that I have already forgotten about you… but today, I realized that forgetting is different from denying that you did once exist in my life. I tried to think that what happened in the past is not serious and that I was just too stupid, just a young teen succumb to false feelings that developed into real one and make you believed that I am the ideal person that you really wanted to share forever with. I cannot escape the fact that losing you was mainly my fault. I cannot blame anyone as all you did was simply being real. I know you were honest and that you did love me. Guilt though was suddenly unbearable each day. Just like the famous love cliche goes… “It’s not you, it was me.”

I admit that I suffered for years. I just can’t live denying that one fact in my life… YOU.

Since you came, my life has never been the same again. It was the time wherein I cared for someone so much more than my own. It was the time I realized that love is not just about finding someone that you are physically attracted to but it’s about finding someone that you still love, understand and accept despite his flaws. You’re the first boy who made me feel weird inside, you left me breathless, you made my heart beats faster and slower…

One of my biggest regrets is hurting you. Hurting someone who was too innocent and hurting someone who does not deserve even an inch of it. I just want you to know that you’re the best thing that ever happened to me. You became the best-est friend, someone I can run to, someone who makes me smile, someone who cares and even writes my stupid name on berry knots wrapper. You are someone whom I can feel the sincerity of each “take cares” and “I love you’s.” You are someone who sounds funny and indeed stupid with tagalog words yet I find it so adorable when you try. You’re so lovable that you indeed deserve someone who will love you as if you’re her world and I am actually a bit bitter when I heard the news that you got married. For me it was just so fast… but nevertheless I am happy that you found someone who can make you smile and will love you unconditionally. Things that I used to wish I can… but then again will never be. I am thankful that you start over again, you are a good person, a responsible father and an amazing husband… well that part I just assumed. Knowing you… there maybe times you’ll be tempted, distracted but in the end you’ll choose what is right.

I don’t want to find someone like you because you are irreplaceable. You played your part in my life too well making me realized the harsh reality of being inlove with someone. I take everything as a blessing bound to make sense after many years but it’s all worth it. I’m glad it did not work out between the two of us because if it did, today will be insignificant.

Thank you for being real and for loving me even if I was not. The early years were hard and I considered it as one of my worst days. Well, I deserve it though. I am a fool, I was selfish… I can’t imagine how I was able to move on and that nobody who ever came into my life didn’t seem so right, Until I met someone last year. He was too different compared to you but I like him as much as I like or should I say love you. Those were the days I started thinking of love again. The vulnerability of my emotions that I guarded for so long, forgiving myself is something I was not even ready but I just need to face it all. I battled for months understanding his actions as he makes me feel so confused. He makes me relived the feelings that I used to bury in the past. His smile is one of the best smiles in the world. I miss seeing that glow in his eyes… he’s just one of a kind. I feel so retarded whenever he’s around, it’s like I swallowed my tongue or something and whatever I say just don’t make sense. He was actually the first person who made me realized that I should acknowledge the past in order for me to move on. Again, I can’t find someone like you. You made a distinct mark in my life. You’re the only person who made me feel complete and losing you… well I tried to fill the missing piece of my life puzzle but then, it just won’t fit. Even him… I thought he will but as time flies, he changed and I don’t even know if he still cares about me. I do care about him, I know that if one loves someone she should show it. I should have shown him that but I am just so unsure during those times. I don’t know if I love him or maybe I am infatuated of his soothing charisma and his craziness, that smile and his tone whenever he used to call me by his own made up pet name.

Then one day… HE JUST STOPPED.

The moment he did not care about me was the moment I realized how I miss him so much. I miss him, Bes.

My life is drifting into time… questions swirling in my head, daily struggles I need to face and a lifetime to search for my purpose. Time fleeting so fast allowing me to anticipate what the unknown future beholds. Maybe a year or years from now, my battles today will be just another lesson learned and that I’ll thank God that it happened just like what I am feeling right now when it comes to my love story.

Life is beautiful and I learned that the hard way but then again, everything happens for a reason, a beautiful reason.

The past is just too hard to forget and you need time to help you. I now close one chapter of my life to pave way for new chapters. Let me recall the best memories we shared, the crazy stories we text about each other, our frustrations at school and our dreams that we compare and share solutions with. Any problem back then was easy to bear when you were around. It’s almost a decade but it just feels like yesterday. In another life, I wish I’ll meet you again and hopefully become your bestfriend. Recalling you is the best way to close one of the most memorable chapter in my life. We are now mature enough to face our future without ill regrets. This too will help me in opening my heart to love again wholeheartedly, to care and to accept someone even if he’s not ideal. I hope I can start over again… this time with that someone I met last year, Bes. I hope it’s not too late even if I don’t know where to start.

I hope that after I have accepted what have happened in the past without bitterness, I can now move on without worrying about my own skeletons in the closet. If fate permits may we have the time to fix and regain the friendship that we once shared yet lost. In my heart, you’re still the bestfriend I once have and once love more than myself.

Until we meet again… cheers!

I love you…

my first bestfriend. 🙂

— Sharon

 
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Posted by on July 5, 2012 in journal, life, Life Blog

 

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03/15 – Day 113: Zerprise!

Oh yeah it’s our friend’s boyfriend’s birthday and who happens also to be part of my circle of friends — the Crackbang barkada.

Our friendship started 2 years ago as we have been org mates for quite some time but our friendship did not stop after graduation. We still hang out once in a while and annoy each other in Facebook with our silliness and random tags just to say “Hey, it’s been a while!” or “Hey I hate you, you did not go to (insert the usual hangout place here)”. The funniest thing about this day is that it should really be a surprise party, yeah the one you used to see on the boob tube where people jumps from no where and scream “SURPRISE!” but then it did not turn out to be what we have expected. The celebrant was not in his office thus an epic fail on our end, we waited not quite long when he came and hid in the closet/storage room then after a while we just came out of the door and screamed “Happy Birthday!!!”

We may not be complete that day because of other commitments and priorities, I can say that somehow we made Blaine’s birthday undeniably crazy. Of course it was planned out by his girlfriend and we’re just the supporting actresses in their love story. I wish them well and also for our friendship to last for a lifetime. I am glad that they have crossed my way and I surely cherished all the good times we have spent together.

 
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Posted by on March 19, 2012 in drink, food

 

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