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2017 Is A Good Year After All. 

And so I stop being so excited for the new year. I watched the second hand as it moves swiftly, here goes another wasted second.

2017 I must say is a year of new beginnings and remarkable memories. I waved goodbye to my quarter life crisis drama and depression is just another battle I kept on winning. Too many sullen episodes last 2017 but I survived. I’m glad I did. I’m glad I was able to keep going despite the toxicities of my mind. I’m glad I am here today drafting my year end post.

Life has never been easy for idealists like me for they see things way differently and they ended up most of the time frustrated.

It was a year where I travelled alone or with friends. I went to places that is new to me. Places that are not even that  famous yet gave me a lifetime experience I’ll never forget. Those experiences made me better as a person and gave me the chance to appreciate  life’s simple pleasures.

I’ve let go and opened my heart to new possibilities. Another year ended and this time I knew I emerged as someone who became better as time passes by. I aged gracefully and now somewhat mature in dealing with life. It has been a wonderful journey despite the set backs, great falls and frustrations. I should not be afraid of what’s in store. I know life is not all about good things and that I should prepare myself to deal with the storms and losing some battles. I know there will another episodes of melancholia. There will be days that I want to just stay in my room an cry but there will also be days that you’ll be grateful that you’re alive. I am happy because I met people who kept me sane this 2017 and that made me feel that it’s okay to be vulnerable. It’s okay to be not perfect. It’s okay to be full of flaws because they’ve accepted me for who I am — depressed and crazy.

They’ve been the funniest travel buddies I’ve been and I’m definitely looking forward to our next adventures.

And to Paul who never ceased to believe in my potentials, thank you. Thanks for being my best friend and shoulder to lean on during the times when I hated the world. Who would have thought that our friendship turned into something else? Despite all the dramas, I’m thankful that you came and that you didn’t give up on me. Thanks for being there always. I love you so much and I cannot wait to make memories with you and the rest of our friends.

2017, I bid goodbye to all the pains I felt and will be forever thankful to the new achievements I’ve unlocked both financially and emotionally. Work has been fine — challenging and tolerable. I hope I’ll be able to spend more time to what matters most than engage myself with stress that affects my being. I may need more time to unwind.

To 2018, I don’t expect much from you but let God’s will be done in my life. I’ll hold on to my faith that no matter what’s in store for me this year, I’ll be forever grateful for a life that I should start loving and living. I still wish for good health to the people I love and may we still have more time to make beautiful memories. 😊

God bless us all. Cheers to another year and may we enjoy another 365 days ride to 2019. Welcome aboard to flight 2018.  ❤

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Posted by on January 2, 2018 in personal, Uncategorized

 

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Why I Pray.

Why I Pray.

I have never been a religious person nor I was born in a family who is a devotee of patron saints. I am raised inside a household of people who believes in God but never actually cared much of going to church on Sunday. They think it’s hypocrisy to go just for the sake of going and my mother cringes with the thought of sharing casual conversation with her Amigas who’ll just brag about their new stuff. Enough of the why-I-do-not-go-to-church rants.

I believe in God.

I believe that my life is governed by a Supreme Being whose love for me is indispensable. I exist because deep inside my tormented soul is a fainted light of hope. A light that was lit up by experiences that made sense through the years. These are events that made me who I am today and some are unexplainable which I usually call a blessing. I questioned God’s will several times given that success will not be always easy for me. 

I’ve got too much to be thankful for this year. A lot has changed even the way I see my life so far. It’s never perfect, full of dramas, depression demons and misfortunes but my faith stood still. I never ceased at believing on his divine presence and for unexplainable reasons he made me feel better each time I cried my way to sleep. I asked myself what did I do to deserve all these frustrations, a product of an intoxicated mind and broken heart. Time didn’t heal me, it was my faith that everything will pass that made me survived. 

In my heart I believe in the magic of Christmas. I believe that all the events in our lives are part of a grander plan that will shape us to be a better version of ourselves. I believe that our faith will determine how resilient we are in facing our battles. God will always bless us if we let go and accept what’s in store for us. It’s about doing good no matter what life throws at our lives. Keep going with a strong faith that everything will be better soon. Today I pray not for myself but for all the people of value in my life. I pray to keep them safe and that we’ll have more years together especially to my mother who I love the most. 

I pray for peace for those whose hearts are at war. I pray for courage. I pray for love to stay in our hearts and that we continue to be someone who’ll restore someone’s faith in humanity. I will continue to pray because it makes me feel better and secured at all times. Let go of the pain and accept his grace in our hearts.  Take a 60 seconds  pause tonight and thank God for blessing your life.

Merry Christmas! 😘

 
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Posted by on December 25, 2017 in personal

 

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Ain’t Skinny Love.

I looked at old blog posts trying to feel those words I used to write, but it didn’t trigger any response from my soul.  It is far most the strangest feeling I have felt for years – the dire need to write but no words can totally express what I really feel.  

It’s been a while since I sat quietly watching people live their lives. Few weeks ago I feel a little lonelier than the usual that eating alone makes me sad but today is a little bit different. I feel fine despite the gloomy weather and Ellie Goulding’s Your Song is consuming me inside. I guess I’m back to my old self except that I’m also pretty much bothered and amused of recent events in my life.  

The concept of skinny love has been in my system since that drunken moment of yesteryears and how I dread if it will happen again. It’s that kind of love that both parties care but just can’t find the courage to tell how much they love each other. It’s governed by fear of losing a beautiful friendship so you’ll stick to that read between the lines, think whatever you wanted to think kind of relationship. Sucks,  I  know.

I’m not good in detecting possible relationships unless of course they’ll tell me their intentions. Gone are those days when rainbows, unicorns and pixiedusts inspire me. I stopped assuming. I stopped believing. I stopped hoping that a prince will save me from my loneliness and show me that life’s too beautiful if shared with the one you love. I became too much of a realist and dealing with that side of myself is torture. I became Maleficent like, still cares for Aurora but won’t show signs of any vulnerability. Tears are for the weak. It destroyed all the tinge of positivity in my soul. It made me stone cold.  I was so dysfunctional with a strong belief that I’m not worth it all. I felt unloved and so undeserving of a pure heart. My mind is such a fucked up place so as my soul. 

I have this guy friend who recently told me that I’m being too hard towards myself. Sometimes ideas overflow when alcohol is dominating our system and that drunken conversation despite the blurry feels actually got stuck in my mind. Maybe I am not that bad.  Maybe I deserve to fall in love again and pretty much puzzled those broken pieces of my China heart.  Maybe… just maybe. Maybe this time I can straighten things out and start all over again. Maybe I started to care and that scares me for it can be a beginning of something else. Am I feeling something?  Yes.  There might be butterflies but it didn’t run amuck inside. It’s not even love. It’s something new and I can’t even define it. It’s there but it’s not where my life revolves. It’s there, it exists and I acknowledged it but what’s that feeling  then?

I don’t feel like dying today unlike those days when I wish loneliness was never a feeling people feel. It’s like a regular kind of day when I wish to fast forward it to my soon to be best days. I made stupid decisions — what else is new?  I wanted to save more money to fulfill my wants and probably it can buy me experience that will make me sort out my life. Bottom line, I’m still fucked up as of this writing despite the will to change my life course. 

I started to over think my reactions and tried to over think more of what’s going on. I started to panic when a friend told me that I’m so dense not to see that my closest friend right now is into me. I don’t believe it at first until I started to rehash everything from day one.  It’s not that easy as it seems especially if we’re talking about feelings.  It’s complicated because he’s in a relationship. I hate it when people suggest and you tend to think about it until confusion starts.  I  got confused I must admit but I went back to the time when I used to feel the magic. The stone cold heart I have started to warm up but all of the things I’m feeling is all new.  It’s not what I’ve felt before so it’s harder to define and it’s something I cannot explain. 

People come into our lives for a reason, some may go fast and some choose to imprint our souls. Maybe the recent things happened for me to feel a little bit more of a human being. I feel better, wiser and stronger. I may have been confused and partly swayed by the thoughts but I know for sure that I don’t deserve to be just anyone’s third party and that I too deserve to be happy in God’s perfect time.  All I need is to be honest on everything that I feel and instead of escaping, it would be better to face it no matter how painful the results can be. Life is all about perfect timing and I might need to ask for more patience to wait and just enjoy what I have as of the moment. 

And to that friend of mine who I love to tease, thanks for being one of the person whom I know will always have my back no matter what.  I’ll stick to what I said, I won’t be another skinny lover who’s afraid to tell the world of what she feels.  If that time comes you’ll be the first to know.  For now, I’m happy of our friendship and thanks for doing an extra mile of saving it when I’ve decided to not bother at all. 

Life comes with extra feels and sometimes you just let life be life and not expect too much because what’s meant to happen will happen whether we like it or not. 

Learn, always.  

Never stick to a skinny kind of love when you can put your heart on your sleeve and love fully. 

We all deserve love, in time. 

 
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Posted by on July 5, 2017 in personal

 

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Sunday Confessions.

It’s been a week without communicating.

I am mad at him for not telling me what is wrong, for being indifferent towards me and for being unfair. I am in rage, I can feel the anger seeping into my system. I wanted to yell, to scream and hate him for what he is doing hurts me a lot. You don’t know how much pain you’re causing me right now. I still cannot forgive myself after that text. I cannot comprehend still what made me say those words but I know how wasted I am that night. It already happened, I cannot take those words anymore.

I still don’t get it why you are so indifferent towards me. I am your crazy bestfriend in the office. We talk about random and silly things. We talk about work shits and we laugh all the time. We should not be affected by the words we say or text when we are drunk. You told me you love me, I never bothered because you are drunk. I texted you goodnight and keep safe and you got bothered. Is it the love part? Is it the worry? Is it the care I had for you? You are my bestfriend, you are important to me. A part of me will die if something happens to you. I cannot imagine my life without you. I trusted you so much of my own issues, you know how much I do not like to talk about personal shits but I did because you are trustworthy.

I miss you. I miss my bestfriend. I miss us. I don’t care about love because I am a complete fucked up. I just want the old us, I want my friend back. Earlier today I prayed hard. I prayed to God to cast away my anger towards you. Bad things happen to the people I hate and I cannot do that to you. I cannot curse people I value so I prayed and repented. I am sorry.

I decided to be true to myself. I realize how you impacted my life in reasons I can no longer explain. Days without you seem to be so dull. Life at work becomes stressful. I love you, it’s true. I love you but I want our friendship to last forever. I want this friendship to work, to be just like the old times. That is what I need in my life right now. I do not know how to handle being in a relationship. I mean, what I had a decade ago was an almost relationship that was so amazing until it lasted. I never decided to give in after that. It took me almost a decade to forgive myself. I never let my guards down as what I’ve always say. I have no idea what happened that night. It’s like someone took over myself. Well, those were feelings I shrugged off. Feelings I am afraid to face and deal, feelings that I hid because I am too ashamed to admit and feelings that I took for granted because I know will just complicate everything.

God, I rest my case. I don’t know how to move on when there is too much to remember. You cannot just forget a friend, a friend that is so damn real. It stings still when I remember the good times. It hurts me so bad not knowing the reason why. You just shut me off and here I am wondering why.

It was just a text, it was nothing unless of course if you felt something too. I know I was never sweet towards you but I do care for you. With what have happened to you almost a month ago, I started to worry about your well-being. I want to be there for you, to help you out and support you. I think that is normal to care it’s just that even I was shocked of my own sweetness towards you. I know you are not used to it but it happened already. I am sorry if you felt so awkward but you should have told me rather than avoiding me. You are so frustrating. I reached out and asked you already but it seems that you do not want to talk about it further.

You are my bestfriend. I will give you the space that you want. I am just a text away if you need me. I will always  be here for you. I need to stop seeking for answers. I need to be patient enough and let things happen. I cannot control circumstances but I can control myself. I don’t want to sulk into misery of understanding and hating you. I cannot waste more time. I cannot be depress for too long.

I just miss you so much. Can we be bestfriends again? Let’s forget those feelings. 😢

 
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Posted by on August 2, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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10/12 – Day 324: Giving

We should always learn to give. There are things we need to let go because it’s beneficial for others.

It’s not just about material things, we can actually give someone the attention that they want, the time, the trust, the respect and the list goes on. Giving someone something can humble yourself, it can help us gain wisdom and it can actually change the world.

If people starts to give and not always take then the world will be a better place to live in.

Let me share what Mother Teresa once wrote:

“It’s not how much we give but how much love we put into giving.
Always have a cheerful smile. Don’t only give your care, but give your heart as well.
There is a terrible hunger for love. We all experience that in our lives — the pain, the loneliness. We must have the courage to recognize it. The poor you may have in your own family. Find them. Love them. Good works are links that form a chain of love. We are all pencils in the hand of God.”

Giving heightens our vitality. It gives us a certain type of joy.

“Giving brings happiness at every stage of its expression. We experience joy in forming the intention to be generous. We experience joy in the actual act of giving something. We experience joy in remembering the facts that we have given.”Buddha

 
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Posted by on November 3, 2012 in life, people

 

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10/10 – Day 322: Courage

Everyday is a test of courage.

Life is hard and not always fair. It’s just the way things are whether we like it or not. We usually whine, snivel around in every decision that we need to make and blame God for every impossible challenges that we need to go through. We need to have the courage to face each hard blows that life has to offer and make the most out of it.

George Bernard Shaw once wrote that we should be a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.We should always expect that pain is inevitable part of life. When it happens all you need to have is a brave soul, a heart that triumphantly beats and a positive mind. We are bigger than our problems, we just need to have the right mindset.It really takes courage to live our lives.

I understand the Courage to Be as the courage to say “yes” to life in spite of all the
negative elements in human existence — in spite of man’s finitude, which means his coming from nothing and going to nothing to die… It takes courage to see in the reality around us and in us something ultimately positive and meaningful and live with it, even love it. Loving life is perhaps the highest form of the courage to be
.” — Paul Tillich

I sometimes ask myself, when will I be ready to step out of my comfort zone? When will I have the courage to take the risk of living like there’s nno tomorrow? I don’t know the answer but what I know is I need to be brave enough to face the future and the consequences of the decisions that I need to make.

 
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Posted by on October 28, 2012 in hobby, journal, life

 

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07/29 – Day 249: Mom and Me

Long talks about love and life make me appreciate the relationship I have with my mom. We talked about how I was being a kid and that she’s proud of me today. I always tell her that I will not do anything to disappoint her and that I will do anything for her as what I have promised to my dad when he died. I don’t blame my mom for every dream and opportunity that I need to let go. It has been my choice, I choose to stay for her, for the family I have even if I need to let go of my biggest dreams. I want to spend more time with her because I don’t know what will happen in the near future. My mom is no longer young and strong enough to be here for me for another 2 decades. All I want is to be the best version of myself for her, she’s all that I got. We always talk… I always update her of what’s going on with my life. She knows that I know what I am doing, she let me follow my dreams and decide on what I really want to do in my life. I am glad that my mom taught me how to be strong, independent and optimistic. Thank God, you gave me awesome parents! I love my mom! I love my dad! I love me! haha 🙂

 
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Posted by on August 4, 2012 in journal, life, Life Blog

 

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