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Friday Morning Solitude.

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He was the thought behind unfinished sentences and discarded blog posts. I write several sentences until my eyes swell and a lump in my throat bothers me. I hit the discard post over save and look at the screen of my phone like a kid deprived of her favorite chocolates. I pray this feeling ends soon because it kills me. It’s like waiting for a moment that you know will never happen but you keep on waiting. You keep on believing that you are awesome and that he should see that like how others see you. You believe that you’re smart, you’re nice and you’re the best he could have. You know you’re worth the words so you choose to wait until he realize that you are the answered prayer. You are his the one.

It was always a battle between justifying my feelings when I know it’ll never be justified at all. I tried to let go countless times but I’m still here stuck with a realization that I’ll never be at peace. I keep on cutting the weeds that suffocate me trying to free myself from his entirety but I can’t. I just can’t.

I look at my phone several times waiting for his text just like how it was before. I keep on wishing nothing actually changed but it changes as months pass by. There’s awkwardness and sadness because the person you thought will never leave you sees you as an option and no longer the priority. Suddenly I keep on asking myself if I’m indeed an asshole. I started to question my worth. I started to doubt myself, started to feel that I’m not enough, started to feel so small in his world. I decided to step back and the loneliness is haunting. I trusted him, told him everything about my life and now I felt that I shared too much of me to someone who does not want to be with me anymore. He’s already keeping a part of himself from me and that makes me actually feel like I can no longer be the person anyone can trust.

I wish to be saved by someone else’s smile and courage to blurt out those words that will awake me from my nightmares and daydreams. I know how hard I prayed to God that I’ll find someone who matches my kind of crazy. He should be honest enough to tell me that I complement his personality. Someone who’ll make me realize that I’m waiting for someone who does not value me because I’m not rich, I’m not beautiful and I’m not smart enough. I’m in limbo of emotions and it’s killing me.

Here’s to my own tragedy… untold, half-written and full of unnecessary pain.

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Posted by on February 26, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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01/05 – Day 43: Time to Review

CSCI106: Introduction to Electronics is one of my favorite major subjects back in college. I love it because it is easy and fun even though we are required to solve a lot of problems every meeting.

I know my posts is getting too random as it gets. Today, I tried to open my journal and I opted not to write because I am not in the mood. When I tried to checked my box where old stuffs are arranged I saw my college notebook back when I was about to turn 17 and a sophie in CS.

I hate Math, seriously.

When it comes to numbers, it’s been a love-hate relationship. I thought Computer Science is simply about computers, trends in technology and programming but not hard core mathematics. I was definitely wrong. I never realized until our teacher told us that Computer Science is about computation thus COMPUTEr. According to Wikipedia – Computer science or computing science (abbreviated CS) is the study of the theoretical foundations of information and computation. This was the beginning of my beautiful nightmare.

I never regret taking up CS and just so you know, college was tough except for great people that made it worthwhile. Two-thumbs up!

As time passes by, I feel stuck that it will be harder to come back soon. I decided that this year it’s time to stretch my lazy nerve cells and get it back to work before I forget all those tidbits of being a geek in the binary world. Since I am not really interested in application programming, I will simply give more time in reviewing for web programming and study the trends in cross platform programming so as in graphic designing. I am better in design than in coding so I’ll focus on where I am good at rather than deal with the impossible. Time is my mortal enemy in achieving this goal. I wanted to shift path this year and get the job that I want but for personal/family reasons I just can’t leave Bacolod so I’ll just prepare myself once opportunities strike again rather than bury myself in despair and dumbness.

I hate it when my skills are not used as I get stupid and stupid each day. I don’t get my mind to work beyond its limits. It’s just working on a monotonous pace that is too boring for a Sagittarian like me. I want growth and a dynamic life.

This is the best time… will be signing off in my current workplace soon, thanks to awesome people that is making my stay long because it’s also hard to forget those shared memories you all have together but then life should go on. Until I do not know where to go, I will still stay. 🙂

Note: I don’t know why I chose this particular page on my notebook… I am not planning to review Physics or Electronics, it just happens to be that I really love this subject back in college – especially Ohm’s Law. I even recalled our capacitors and resistors project. haha

 
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Posted by on January 7, 2012 in 23, college, journal, life, work

 

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