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On Friendships That Stayed and Lost.

On Friendships That Stayed and Lost.

Humans as we are are born to be social creatures. True to that cliche saying, no man is indeed an island.

Back in highschool, I think having lots of circles will make me cool and famous. I got my own set of friends that dig in my interests and I got other circles I join sometimes to talk about computers and WWE. I can say that I’m friendly even if I had one or two classmates I haven’t talked to until almost graduation. 

In college, I’m such a social creature as I’ve joined several organizations. I can’t say I’m famous but I got a lot of networks from other clubs making it more easier to meet others. Smiling, nodding and saying hi has been a daily thing.

Today, I realized that in order to be better I don’t actually need millions of people that would say hi to me and would invite me out for a party or dinner or whatever they want to do. As I grow older, I think of friendships as a loaded ship where those that don’t matter will just weigh you down and will just capsized everything.

I choose my friends wisely. I choose people who can enter my life as precise as possible. Yes, I do have trust issues. I let those people in because they deserve to know my quirky demons, both tamed and untamed. God gave me this weird instincts that know how to distinguish a good company or not so I’m making use of it all the time. I am not sorry to those that I don’t want to be in my life because I can sense that you won’t understand at all instead you’ll feed into my miseries and will just kill me with your words when I’m not around. I don’t like to be with people who make fun of others to feel better about themselves. I don’t like to be with people who think they are better than others just because they are smart and famous. I don’t want to be with people who befriends you because they have intentions. I don’t like to be with people who’s ain’t my frequency and vibe. 

I stick with people who makes me glad that I’m alive. I like to spend my time with colleagues, subordinates and friends whose minds are wired to mine especially those with kindred spirit and meekness I adore. I choose to be with those that make me happier and better. People who makes me not lose hope in humanity and people that brings out the best in each other. 

Cheers to my friends for all these years who’ve seen me cry, laugh like an idiot, drunk, in rage and plainly crazy. Kudos to those who listened and took time!

I may have lost people along the way but I got those who matters most today. 

 
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Posted by on May 28, 2017 in Thoughts Brewery

 

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Things I Learned From My Mom

Things I Learned From My Mom

Of all the millions of people in the world, we are given two people who brought us to be who we are as of the very moment — our parents. Most of us if given a chance would want to live a different life. If I can change the story of my life I would want my dad to live longer and with both parents a little younger because how happy life could be to travel with the two most valuable people of my life. If only I can live my life again, I’ll do anything to make that dream a reality.

I haven’t write that much about my mom for quite some time. I don’t want to be so melodramatic but it’s time for you guys to know this and probably learn a thing or two. Mother’s day is so overrated and saying I love you seems to be so awkward but I guess it’s just the way it is in our household. I know we love each other but we’re not so vocal about it. Same goes in every person I deal with that are special to me.

I want to share to everyone what I learned from my mother after all these years in various aspects of my life because I know you’ll be inspired and probably think about what you learned from your mom too. Please do share it for the world to see. Comment your link so I can see it too. 🙂

On Choices.

My mom would always tell me to enjoy my life no matter what. She never meddles in my decisions especially during college on what course I will take. She never convinced me to take up nursing even if half of my classmates choose to be nurses and even if her friends would tell her that it would be better if I will be a nurse someday. I once heard my mom talking to her friends that she will just let me choose whatever I want because she does not want to be blamed if I fail. I am so happy that she trusts me and never ceases to be proud of who I am regardless of what decisions I’ve made. Every achievements, every medals and awards I have is all for her. 

On Traveling.

My parents love long drives and going to beaches. They are always out of town during summer and always make time to unwind as a couple to various places. My mom used to tell me to travel while I’m single because once I get married priorities will change. I should also travel with my husband to know more about him and to rekindle the love especially if both of you are too preoccupied with your work. Today, I travel a lot to places whether I am alone or with friends. Every adventure has a beautiful memory to remember and that’s what my mom taught me, to create memories while I can through various adventures. We need to travel to experience life and share to others how beautiful this world we are living in.

On Love.

Mom had my dad when she’s already 37. She accepted the fact that she’ll be a spinster and already prepared for that kind of life until she met an old guy, a retired lieutenant colonel who works in Clark Airbase as a flight instructor. She never liked my dad even after they dated for quite some time but this guy is so persistent. He drives his Mustang and blows his horn each day in front of my mom’s boutique just to say hi until they had the chance to talk. Several dates after and my mom fell in love ( I assume) especially after my dad’s mom wrote her a letter stating that she’ll take care of my dad because she is his world now. It was a May-December love affair and that my dad is a separated guy in the US with one son. It was too much to take but she did. My mom will always tell me not to rush in finding the love of my life. Find someone who loves you more than you love him. 

On Enemies.

I can say my mom is pretty much a war freak because when she hears someone talking behind her back she tends to confront that person and worst hurt that person. She used to tell me stories about how she kicked someone ass, bruised someone’s eye and bled someone’s nose. It’s so physical that I cannot imagine be in that situation. Thanks to my dad’s control and patience I am not like my mother. My mom would tell me that nobody is allowed to make one less so I should always stand up on what is right and never let anyone put me down even if takes a God-damned fight. I should always defend myself especially if they are spreading rumors and false accusations. If it’s your fault apologize and if it’s not, don’t let any bastards put your self-esteem down.

On Challenges.

Life will always surprise as with many challenges that can actually make or break us. My mom had a fair share of God’s test that made her the strongest person I know. She was not able to finish college because my grandfather casted her out of their home because she doesn’t like her stepmom. She went to Manila and live with her older sister and survived on her own. My mom is street-smart and knows how to manage her time and money. She persevered despite the numerous test of faith she needs to surpass but it made her better. She is so strong because I cannot even think how I can survive if I was in her shoes. After my dad died, my mom took all the responsibilities and gave me the life I  wanted. She sacrificed a lot for me even her most  precious jewelries just for  me to finish college and buy me computer. She let go  of things she love just for someone whom she values most. I  will forever be indebted to her and I will be forever grateful that I got an awesome mom. She will always tell me to be strong no matter what because I can no longer depend on anyone except myself. 

 On Faith.

God always make us face ordeals that are too much to bear but we always survive as what Kelly Clarkson says “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. My mom never questioned God and her faith in him is never stained. We are deists, we don’t go to church every Sunday nor follow traditions but our faith in our Supreme Being will always be there. Our faith in God’s will keep us alive. My mom would always tell me to pray and believe that God will always provide the answers and what we pray for in time. Trust God all the time no matter what.

On Being Me.

My mom is well respected not because of any degrees or whatever but because she exhibit that confidence in her whenever she walks around. Her aura tells people around that she demands to be respected. I don’t know if it’s just the way I see her when I was a child but my mom is not just beautiful but also formal. I never see her laughing boisterously. She exhibits elegance when in a huge crowd and I’m deeply insecure of how she can manage to be so prim and proper while I’m… not like her. She’s a woman who’s conservative and flirting with boys is not necessary just to grab attention. A man, if she likes you will climb mountains just to have you. I am wondering where on Earth does she exhibit that kind of mindset but in all honesty she attracts the right kind of people. I guess my way of thinking about love, lust and sex is influenced by her. I should be in control of my body and just give it to someone who deserves it, someone I truly love. It’s not something we just do just because libido dictates it — it’s an act of love. We need to leave something for ourselves all the time. Our dignity and pride should always be there because people will no longer respect you if you keep on giving them what they want and if you let your guards down just to be happy. My mom always remind me that I need to choose what is right than what makes me happy. Happiness should be pure and not selfish. Happiness is when you chased it without hurting anyone just to fulfill your heart’s desire. My mom always remind me that I’ll be better off alone than be a mistress or a third party in someone’s relationship. I should not be just thinking on how to benefit myself alone, Instead I should be good by choosing what is right all the time because it’s the only thing that would make me sleep peacefully at night.

On Sexuality.

My mom during her teenage days is a tomboy. She hates dresses and always hang out with the boys. She is sporty and adventurous. Plays softball, lawn tennis, table tennis, badminton, squash and golf during her younger days and well versed in handling all kinds of guns. She knows a lot about cars and drink with friends. My mom is a guy’s best pal and her brothers’ favorite sister because she totally understands their whims. I am just like my mom right now except for the sports part because I am geeky compared to her. I prefer to write, read and scribble stuff. Despite my guy like mindset and gestures we are both sure that we are girls. I wanted a man not a woman as a partner and just the thought of  having same sex relationship makes me gag but of course society would tell us that women should wear dresses, prim and proper and all those BS we saw in print ads and TV. Whatever. My mom told me to be who I am regardless what society dictates you to be as long as you are not doing anything to harm others. Be yourself and be secure on what you feel regardless what other people think of you.

 On Finances.

My mom is not a wise spender though but she learned a lot from my father when it comes to managing finances. She buys what she wants and always prefer quality above anything else. Even if it’s expensive she’ll buy it for quality sake. She is not convinced that cheap products can last long. She always choose what is best. She is also preparing long term and would want everything to be secured when the time comes. Our life didn’t turn out to be what she expected but I never saw her panicking when things became rough and lost her investments. She still remained calm and made ways to provide my needs. The quality of the products she bought years ago actually made us survive​ during our dark days because we were able to sell it. We lost our cars and jeepneys, almost all of her jewelries and even our home. It’s now my time to take charge and give back. I swear I’ll do anything to fix our life. My mom deserves to live the life she used to live before.

 On Being a Mom.

I am not yet a mother but my mom taught me already to give everything I can to my child. She did it to me and I’m proud of who I became right now. It’s so difficult to have me as a daughter because I rarely talk about my life until I could not take it anymore. It’s purely rants and my negativities can sometimes drain people especially my mom. I don’t rant much about life with my friends but with my mom I do. I realized how draining it can be to listen to someone you consider your life talking about how she hated her life, the life you build for her. I felt so bad today knowing that thought and I hope I can still make up for all the pains I caused her. I know she’s proud of me but I still haven’t told her that I’m still willing to go same ordeal as long as she’s my mom. 

I haven’t told her how much I love her but one thing is for sure, no matter how I wanted to end my life and escape everything… there will always be that one person that makes me want to live and that is you Mama. I will never ever forgive myself if I will just leave you here all alone to face this lifetime. I cannot imagine my life without you and it scares me the most though. Please don’t leave me yet until I find a stronger reason to hold on because if I lose you right now, I’ll pretty much prefer to end it all. Life will be pointless without you in it. You’re all that I have right now. I love you. 

 
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Posted by on May 16, 2017 in inspirational, life

 

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Battling Quarter Life Crisis and More.

And so, let’s just say I am trying to be fine despite all the odds and eccentrities of my life. I am not really exaggerating for the nth time. I apologize for being such a dope today.

I have come to realized that I am indeed suffering from quarter life crisis. It’s not like other crisis you know such as inflation rate resulting to economic crisis or you not having the budget to buy luxury items and declare to the world that you are suffering from financial crisis, it’s the kind of crisis that affect those twenty something people wondering on their “what’s next?” in life.

I guess I am normal since I am going through this phase of my life. I feel a little shitty, honestly. I just don’t know what to do with my life aside of course from YOLO-ing since 23 and just going with the flow but this come what may kind of life is not really the life I want to live. I want more out of it. I recently got my Master’s degree in Business Administration and I should be proud of it since I was able to juggle my work and school but I just feel fine about it, no biggie while others are screaming “Congratulations!”. Should I really be proud? I don’t think so. I am plainly weird because I don’t like any fuss and I don’t like bragging those little milestones in my life. I just hate too much attention.

Anyways, let’s go back to this quarter life crisis thing. Let me share to you an article I stumbled upon after I crazily googled quarter life crisis. It’s found on this website: http://allgroanup.com/adult/25-signs-quarter-life-crisis/

I want to comment on each signs. Here you go:

25 Signs You are Having a Quarter Life Crisis

1.  You glare at your cat in the morning as you get ready for work and say, “God, I wish I had your life.” — I even say it to any animals who just simply chill and not worrying about bills and finances. Geez, go get a job cat and realized how miserable life can be.2.  “Am I ever going to feel like myself again?” Is something you ask. Every day. — EVERY SINGLE DAY! I apologize for screaming but I can relate to this, I usually ask myself if I’ll be able to feel alive again, you know sunshiney – happy – full of daisies kind of me. 

3.  A Bon Iver or John Mayer song comes on and you start crying. By yourself, or around friends. Or in the middle of a coffee shop as strangers slowly usher their children away. — Any song that I can totally relate to, I cry privately. 

4.  “When is life going to feel like it’s supposed to?” Is something you ask. Every day. — When will I be totally happy? Again… sunshiney-happy-full-of-daisies kind of me. 

5.  You’re reading this article right now because you Googled: “Quarter Life Crisis?” — OH SHIT!

6.  Visualizing yourself 15 years from now doing your bosses job makes you throw up a little in your mouth. — This is so true.

7.  You’re having arguments with your mom again about cleaning your bathroom and being home at a reasonable hour. — No arguments, it’s just me battling my patience because my mom seems to be affected by old age. It scares me a lot knowing I might lose her one day and I’ll be alone. 

8.  Your monthly routine of expenses being greater than your income is dawning on you as a serious problem. — Tell me more about it. 

9.  You’re having arguments with your newly cemented spouse and/or roommate that sound awfully like the arguments your parents used to have, that you swore you’d never have, yet are having. — Cannot relate to this.

10. You’ve moved six times in the last four years.

B.  You’ve had six jobs in the last four years.

C.  You’ve had six boyfriends in the last four years.

D.  You’ve had six girlfriends in the last four years.

E.  You’ve had no boyfriends/girlfriends in the last six years and you’re scared your boyfriending orgirlfriending is broken. —– I’ll be forever alone with 8 cats and 5 dogs. 

11.  You’d pay top dollar for a moment of clarity. — I am willing to pay thousand bucks just for me to be able to see the path that will lead me to happiness and fulfillment.

12.  That young mom with the crazy hair and stains on her shirt and bags under her eyes that kind of smells like rotten milk who you rolled your eyes at throughout college. Yeah, well you roll your stroller into a coffee shop after waking up six times with your baby and see a college girl look you up and down with that same disgust. And it takes everything within you not to walk over to that snooty college princess and punch her in the face. — Oh God, NOOOO! I think I’ll be single forever even if I adore kids.

13.  Your part-time, temporary job at Starbucks has lasted three and ½ years. — I haven’t had the chance to work in Starbucks but I would love too…

14.  You binge on buying brand names to try and cover up that you’re broke. — I am still not into mainstream but I do buy stuff even if I am broke.

15.  You find yourself repelled and compelled by church at the same time. You ask God for help one day and then you’re yelling at him the next. Your faith is a roller coaster and you’re pretty sure your seat belt is about to come undone. — I am so sorry God, I am such a stubborn brat. 

16.  You see so clearly the two roads in front of you. A life of comfort and a life of risk. And you’re not sure you have the right car or directions to go down either one. — Indeed.

17.  You surf the internet so much at work every day that you literally hit a point where you don’t know what else to search for. — AMEN TO THIS. Life at work sometimes bore me.

18.  You laughed, and cried, when you read 21 Secrets for your 20’s. —GEEZ.

19.  Making a budget is completely debilitating.

Even thinking about doing your taxes. Debilitating.

Buying groceries. Debilitating.

Doing dishes. Cooking dinner. Looking for a job. Calling your mom back. Calling your best friend back. Picking up the phone at all. DEBILI-FRICKING-TATING.

So you watch four seasons in a row of _________, while Facebook stalking exes and enemies. — You bet. I rather do the FB stalking and read through blogs of my friends and enemies. My finances make me sick.

20.  The phrase you dread hearing the most at work is, “Congratulations, you’re getting a promotion.” — Oh my!

21.  You feel like every time you’re a bridesmaid/groomsman, an angel loses it’s wings. — I KNOW RIGHT?!!! I am saying hi to my spinster self all over again and cry over their beautiful vows. Life is sooooo damn unfair.

22.  You dream about going back and punching yourSmug-College-Self who was so sure had all the answers. — True. Just when you thought life is so easy huh? Well, IT IS NOT. IT’S NOT!!! It’s damn  not!!!! wooooozah!!!!

23.  You seek out a mentor for answers one week and you avoid them like the 8th grader with bad BO, the next. — Grrr… damn right, this list is so damn right.

24.  You have no idea where to go for answers. — damn right again!

Yet

25. You’re 99.7% sure a road-trip would fix everything. — DEFINITELY… but where to old soul, where to?

So here I go again, I am constantly battling this life crisis without knowing the actual answers on how to resolve such phase. I have a good paying and stable job. I got my degree in Masters in Business Administration. I am single and I am hating it even if I have personal space issues. I don’t know how to overcome my life problems. Oh God, help me out here!

Sighs… and more sighs.

 
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Posted by on June 8, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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12/31 – Day 38: My Year-End Review

2011: Just Another Year

One chapter closed while waiting for another year to unveil.

2010 was just too awesome compared to 2011. I bet you guys share the same sentiment, 2011 is just another year. It sucks for me and I hope it went well to you who’s reading this. Oh well it will end soon and once you will be able to read this one – it ended already.

I rather want to forget what happened in my life this year. Let me share some of my journal excerpts for the year. Aside from my blog, I really keep a journal for me to write my thoughts and emotions that I just want to keep in private but let me share some for you to know what stirred up my emotions this year. So here it goes then…

01/06: I was in McDo Lacson lamenting over my transfer to a new work environment. T’was also my first sup chat at work. Wow.

01/11: I learned to value people especially my wavemates. I also felt motivated and somehow inspired to go to work. This is the day I started believing that I can be the best. I also considered how 2011 started good.

01/22: This is where my frustration begins… Well I did not realized it yet until the year ends but on this day, I noticed someone.

01/23: I started to think about someone I just met.

01/28: Random crazy thoughts. Why cannot I stop thinking of a random stranger? It feels like I am solving a complex math assignment that you cannot just sleep without resolving it unless you want to wake up and cheat. He’s just too hard to read.

02/20: I see a good future in this job of mine. Inspired intensely.

02/28: Someone drives me crazy. It brings back those feelings that I thought I already forget.

03/01: Emotions are ruling my logical thoughts. Jealousy — do I have the right? The hell, this is the start of a good story.

02/07: Project 366… It’s like my annual project of the year – to be awesome. I wanted to be better not just for myself but for another reason.

Quoting myself: ” I wanted to have a life without any bitterness and that I will try to view my failures as my stepping stones to success.”

Note from today: O-oh I’m inlove.

03/19: Denial. I am in extreme denial of my feelings that grew stronger and stronger each day. I am fighting a crazy battle between torn emotions and logic.
Bottomline: Someone makes me happy.

03/25: It is kinda rare to me to find someone who can match my wit and of course who can make me smile especially if I am the one who cracks up jokes for others. Today, I wanted to take the risk… the risk to fall one more time.

04/06: The search for purpose. Someone bothers me and my sanity.

Quoting myself: “I have too much pride within me… the kind of pride that is killing me softly.”

This was the day I started to weigh options, to write about my dream job, thoughts of resigning, future plans and goals.

04/09-10: O.L.T. Sleepless nights at Mambukal. I thanked God for the good times with friends and future leaders.

04/11: A realization how beautiful life is. Happiness is a choice that we need to make. Aside from doing my best, I also believed in destiny. T’was an epic weekend because of the Officers Leadership Training at Mambukal.

04/16: Scared. Why’s and What If’s clouding my mind. It’s hard to control the feelings that you just keep within. I know I can still manage but until when?

05/06: End my life, Now.

05/09: I don’t know why but I thought this day was “It-sucks-to-be-single-today-day!” for me. Also, according to my time plan, life should begin at 21. Hey what’s going on with my life? Direction-less and stuck.

05/12: Mid-year goals review.

05/22: Too lazy to write…

Note from today: ” I left a big space on my journal with a note: “I think I’ll leave this space as random as it seems… ”

05/28: BFF’s homecoming! Thank God for the gift of best friendships shared over time. God, also never stopped granting the signs but I just kept on denying it. I was also transferred to MU 902 or should I say in layman’s term – the morning shift! It sucks, seriously as I am a born owl.

06/01: OMG. I wrote almost 4 pages about him on this day. Name disclosed.

Quoting myself: “Weird emotions stirred up the first time I saw you…”

Note from today: God, I never knew I can be so poetic.

06/08: How a song can change the course of my life. It’s like past and present connected with each other and relive the emotions. I don’t know why saying even just a simple “Hi!” is too hard for me to do.

06/19: Manila Bound!!! (supposed to be)
Weeks ago I was so inspired to stay because I just recently graduated as a youth peer educated for HIV-AIDS but today, seriously I just feel like leaving, resigning, packing all the things and stay in Manila to work but then I decided to rethink… just because of someone, I decided to stay. Among all the many reasons to leave, I choose to live here with my only hope.

Quoting myself: “He’s the only right thing that is happening right now…”

Note from today: WTF. Seriously? If I just knew what will happen in the end you’ll regret saying those things and even write about it.

06/no date: The resign and not to resign list. Some of my reasons listed… not all for my own safety. 🙂

Resign list:

1. No more growth.
2. Routine life.
3. Unused Potentials and Skills.

Not-to-Resign list:

1. Voldemort.
2. Friends that I love.
3. Bosses that are inspiring.

Note from today: I have a long resign list and I only have 5 reasons to stay.

06/21: Wave 42 First Anniversary. It was a fun-filled night with my first work mates. I have a shift after but who cares?! Drink and be merry!!!

07/30: Life check. Where did my skills go? Where is my life heading today? I realized that there is no more growth for me, I am just a kiddo working at CVG… just a bored kid with what she’s doing. No action. No adventure… just routine.

08/02: Heart stings.

08/15: Hula-Hula day. I don’t know why but I was so decisive to try to have my fate revealed through card reading. It was really fun and something to look forward for in the future.

09/07: A strange day. I got promoted and it was overwhelming at the same time scary. I am also excited because it is something new to me, a break from the routine life.

Note from today: If I just knew what will happen next, I will surely curse 09/07/11.

09/10: Him.

Quoting myself: “I am trying to forget him because I don’t know how much pain and misery he will cause me in the end…”

10/15: Guess what? I never wrote for a month. Yes a month… because I cannot even write without cursing, raging with hate, anger and extreme madness. It’s hard to pretend that you’re okay when you just feel like bursting. I just don’t know how one can treats you as shit because they based your worth by your numbers, t’was like c’mon tell me am I really that stupid as you think I am? If you guys think I am not worth it, then fine… I am not insecure as I know myself. I know my worth, my capacity and my intelligence. I do not let people judge me as you don’t know where I came from. I convinced myself that it’ll be okay but in reality I know I am not.

Quoting myself: “Lord, I will let the pain remain this time and live my life according to your plan.”

Steve Jobs passed away this month. He was really an inspiration and a great epitome of success. Yes, I adore him so much.

10/26: Cebu, I ♥. It was an experienced that I will never forget. My very first solo trip by plane. I feel so independent walking the streets of Cebu, a complete stranger in the crowd of people. Strolling Ayala Terraces and embracing the thoughts if I can work here by next year. I have no idea on why I suddenly missed Bacolod and its laid back way of living. Anyways, I just love Cebu. It was a very nice place to visit. The best decision I made this year except for my flight time which was really an epic fail in my part.

That was the last post of my journal experience for the year. November was the launch of my own personal web blog, a life blog and photo blog until my 23rd birthday as a gift to myself. Project 23: A Lifeblog of a Daydreamer is not about people visiting my blog, getting the most number of hits or being web famous but it will be a personal experience for me. I want to share a piece of what made my day awesome and simply recall the best things that have happened for the day. I want to do something worth remembering and considered to be an achievement. I want to make things happen by 2012. I just don’t want to settle for less when I have the capacity to do more.

December, just before the year ends I realized I did move on but not totally. I know life is a bit harsh for me this year but it never stopped me from believing that life is awesome no matter what. I hoped someday I will look back and tell myself how I appreciated 2011 more because if those bad things did not happen I may not be who I am and what I wanted to be today. Thank God for the blessings this year, for the new friends I made, for people who inspired me, for best friendships shared over the years and for the gift of life and family. 2011, I bid goodbye to all the frustrations, anger, pain and false hopes. 2012, be nice to me as I already loved you. I know it will be great! 2012 — Bye Year of the Metal Rabbit, Hey Water Dragon meet the Lamb! Let’s make this year awesome! Cheers!

2011 signing off.

 
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Posted by on January 1, 2012 in journal, life, writing

 

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