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Thoughts on Love and Life Just Because I Feel Like Blogging. 

What love is supposed to be as told by someone who is a complete fucked up when it comes to relationships. 

I sometimes wonder what love really is so I did seek for answers in the point of view of my friends and people who are in a relationship. In my years of existence I must say that I’ve been broken without even having a boyfriend. It’s also as crazy as moving on even if there’s no breakups involved so it doesn’t mean I’m inexperienced when it comes to love. Been there, done this and that. 

Love can probably be shown in several forms we may notice or not. It is not about being together but being there for each other. It can be not seeing for the longest time yet the flame keeps on burning. It can be working on developing each other to be better individuals despite having different dreams. It is all about growing together to be better. Waking up each day finally makes sense and not more of a chore. It is watching the sun sets so beautifully and hoping for the sun to rise again the next day. It’s about being empowered. It is about what makes your heart warm amidst the coldest weather. It makes you a little poetic when everything between you two can be metaphors.

It is not the ripped off of souls. 

Love I guess should feel that way. I keep on thinking and imagining what love is supposed to be. Is it just a take care, good night thing? Is it just holding each other’s hand on a cold Sunday morning trying to figure out what to do? Is it all about fulfilling our lustful thoughts? Is it about being in a place of comfort?

Perhaps,  love indeed cannot be rationalize. 

But love should makes us better. It strengthens our weak selves, it makes us grow. It should not be dragging. It should not feel more of a responsibility not even an obligation. It should be spontaneous, something to look forward to. It’s about priorities and not begging for time. It’s about the freedom to be yourself with his/her friends/family members. 

It’s about being happy.

Sometimes I believe that life will present you circumstances that you seldom win yet you will eventually understand why the lose was actually necessary for you to win yourself. It is that dire need to extend your patience to wait for the right time when every plan is about to be realized. I must say the universe tricked me but it doesn’t mean I gave up already. 

Probably love has its own season. 

In my quest to find answers to my own questions I get to see how things in the past finally made sense today and how today seems to be a puzzle I get tired of solving so I just let it be. I know that I am only choosing what makes me happy right now whether it’s right or wrong I don’t care much as long as it’s legal. I looked at myself pretty much fine with everything that’s been going on despite some several set backs. I don’t need to prove myself to anyone. I am pretty much aware of myself and that my insecurities are well accepted. I wanted to keep on moving on with my life each day. I want to be the better me and the better choice all the time. I want to make people feel that choosing me is not something they’ll regret in the end. It can be choosing me as their leader, their friend, partner or whatever. I see the best in people and some may hate me for being me but I always level up my life experience. I hate to stay where most people are. I wanted to be different than the rest.

I never wanted to be compared because I know I have my own traits that people love and hate. Even if sometimes I keep on wondering too why I am single it doesn’t make me anymore less of a person despite my several trash talks toward myself. I built my character to be indestructible and that the only opinion that can destroy me is my perception towards myself. 

I sometimes smile when friends tell me that I am not being considered as a threat. Well, sorry to say but you should be. You don’t think of people that way because you are being blinded by what they can do against you. Each and everyone of us can be a threat and even without me fully realizing it I must say not pretty much of the population have the same profile as mine. I may be meek but I got the power to nail the things I wanted especially if I’m really so into it. 

In the end, I accept what life has to offer me. I stand tall after each fall, brushing off the dirt in my knees and clean the wounds of yesterdays. I know I do not win all the time. I know sometimes how the universe make me suffer so bad I wanted to give up but didn’t and I guess I will never will. 

Until that time comes, I’ll keep on moving on. 

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Posted by on September 5, 2017 in personal

 

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Friday Morning Solitude.

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He was the thought behind unfinished sentences and discarded blog posts. I write several sentences until my eyes swell and a lump in my throat bothers me. I hit the discard post over save and look at the screen of my phone like a kid deprived of her favorite chocolates. I pray this feeling ends soon because it kills me. It’s like waiting for a moment that you know will never happen but you keep on waiting. You keep on believing that you are awesome and that he should see that like how others see you. You believe that you’re smart, you’re nice and you’re the best he could have. You know you’re worth the words so you choose to wait until he realize that you are the answered prayer. You are his the one.

It was always a battle between justifying my feelings when I know it’ll never be justified at all. I tried to let go countless times but I’m still here stuck with a realization that I’ll never be at peace. I keep on cutting the weeds that suffocate me trying to free myself from his entirety but I can’t. I just can’t.

I look at my phone several times waiting for his text just like how it was before. I keep on wishing nothing actually changed but it changes as months pass by. There’s awkwardness and sadness because the person you thought will never leave you sees you as an option and no longer the priority. Suddenly I keep on asking myself if I’m indeed an asshole. I started to question my worth. I started to doubt myself, started to feel that I’m not enough, started to feel so small in his world. I decided to step back and the loneliness is haunting. I trusted him, told him everything about my life and now I felt that I shared too much of me to someone who does not want to be with me anymore. He’s already keeping a part of himself from me and that makes me actually feel like I can no longer be the person anyone can trust.

I wish to be saved by someone else’s smile and courage to blurt out those words that will awake me from my nightmares and daydreams. I know how hard I prayed to God that I’ll find someone who matches my kind of crazy. He should be honest enough to tell me that I complement his personality. Someone who’ll make me realize that I’m waiting for someone who does not value me because I’m not rich, I’m not beautiful and I’m not smart enough. I’m in limbo of emotions and it’s killing me.

Here’s to my own tragedy… untold, half-written and full of unnecessary pain.

 
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Posted by on February 26, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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Enigma.

I’ve been unproductive lately.I choose to be unproductive by the way.  I think I needed some 4-day break for me to detach and sort my emotions out so that I can decide if I will be moving to a different place, probably try a new career or bum out and wait for some sort of a fairy Godmother who will lift all the curses my life have for the past few months. Nah, I’m crazy.

Seriously, I’ve been lounging at home while the rain pours down heavily on our rooftop. I can hear it while I am typing all the letters in this electronic blank space. My head is clouded with thoughts and until now ‘Day 3’ of my leave, I am still undecided on what will my next step in life would be. Maybe I will be committing grammar blunders here again because I am typing so fast as of the moment. I remembered my thoughts before I go to sleep last night. I got some issues to sort out like my pride and attitude. I have been difficult for the past few weeks. Difficult in the sense that I really make people that I don’t want to talk to feel that I don’t want to talk to them at all. My supervisor is actually one of them and yeah, I know I a bit of a challenge. I had coffee with my close friends during break time and I heard what I just said. Sometimes I am going way overboard with my mouth since it is not actually cooperating with my angelic side but I guess honesty is just too liberating. Apart from being an asshole this past few weeks, I am still delivering what is expected from me and my team.

I have been mysterious in some sort of kinda way. Maybe people think I am nice or whatever. Well, I am not. I know I am not nice. I am nice to people that are nice to me. I talk to people that I want to talk to. I respect people. I don’t judge easily. I like those that can compliment my brain but I know that I am not the nicest of all people. I am just being me. If some people ignore me, I ignore them too. Life is easy if you do what others do unto you. I am full of disgust to egocentric people and those that are just plainly trying too hard to be on top. I control my anger because I am nasty when I am in rage, good if I will just walk away and not be too hysterical of the situation.

I have been thinking deeply for the past few days if where I am is still healthy. I have dramas at home, dramas in my own life, dramas with friends and all kinds of dramas to deal with. I wanted an escape from my own comfort zone. I wanted a change of everything but it seems that there are things holding me back. Starting new can be exciting and terrifying but I realized escaping my reality will do more harm than good. I remembered crying myself to sleep last night, blame it to Spotify’s #Hugot playlist that’s full of bullshit songs I choose to listen to. I hate memories, it kills me. Just when I thought I am fine, a sudden gush of emotions filled with beautiful memories came to me. Wow, just wow.

I know I miss him so much. I realized that he’s the one I can share everything without hesitation. He can make me laugh when I am  really really mad and he can ease any tension that I feel. Now that he’s  gone,  life still goes on but with a little difficulty. It’s hard not to have that go to buddy when you are stress. I know I wanted this, I prayed for this moment that he’ll just stay away if he’ll just hurt me in the end but I guessed he still hurt me in ways I can never imagine. I still have questions in my mind, questions I wanted to ask, things to clarify and all those things I wanted to know  but I just can’t force it. I wanted to swallow my pride and reach out again but I don’t think it is right. I tried it once but he does not want me to know even if there’s really an underlying issue, I know I can sense it. People like him are just too hard to decipher when they start to zone out. I know him too well but at this point, I don’t actually understand him. I know we can just talk things out but this one’s a little bit different. I think he judged me already based on the text message which is just so unfair if that’s the case. We do crazy things when we’re intoxicated and I’ve been really crazy that night well half cray cray but then again I know the next day it’s not really sort of a big deal that is why I was still normal but he started zoning out for Chrissake! I know I have feelings but I know it’s not the right time to level it up and be on the romantic side of all things. I don’t think I am ready and he’s just too much to take in. I don’t think it’s going to work out provided he’ll still be himself. It’s fun and all those cute stuff but I am into a long term commitment kind of person, I want my first boyfriend to be my last and those principles I believed in are actually turning me into an old maid. Letting my guards down was actually fun but I know what I really want in my life… I want someone who is dependable, a man who believes in his own convictions and a man who knows what he wants. I don’t need a YOLO guy for the rest of my entire existence here on Earth. I am not being too ideal, I guess a girl has a right to know what he wants for his future husband. I know that at this point, he is not even half of that person I want to spend the rest of my life with but I must admit that I am praying and wishing that someday he’ll change. I guess I wasted my time praying and hoping.

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Maybe he was too afraid to face all the possibilities.

I don’t think being committed to someone is a good idea as of the moment (I am not sourgraping). I was not able to find anyone whom I really like with the qualities of my future husband will be. I mean I got lots of issues to face, problems to deal with and all I need is a friend — a best friend who knows me and yeah I got a lame person who shrugged me off his life leaving me alone without explaining why. Just when I thought he knew me too well, I guess I was wrong. I am not like the other girls in your past, you cannot compare me to them. Since when did I become too clingy? Maybe when I am too drunk and crazy but that’s just it. When I wake up, I am back into my old self realizing I cannot depend much on others to survive. You are another reason why I should stop trusting people. I gave you that trust I rarely give but you turned your back and left me hanging. I don’t know what you’ve been up to lately. I don’t know if you even miss me as much as I miss our long talks. I don’t know you anymore.

I know I am turning into a mad person then emo all of a sudden. I wanted to be mad — well, I have all the right to be mad. You are a coward and an asshole too. Maybe that is why we are friends but I just cannot believe that you can treat me that way. You know me, I will always understand you. I will always be here for you — not because of that crazy feelings I had but because you were my friend. You know how much I care for the people I trust, for the people I value… but even a single explanation, I was not able to get that from you. It hurts to know that I am not even worth an explanation — even a text. If you try to reach out again, do you think I’ll ignore you? No. I will still welcome you and forget all of this shits you’ve been up to. I want the truth, all I want is the truth coming from you. I rather hear the most painful truth than live my life with a beautiful lie. I want you to tell me in a sober conversation, why?

I know I will still be that difficult person to deal with after this blog entry. At 25, I feel more mature and that everyone now listens to what I say. I am no longer the young kid at work, I am now making my own name. I want to be empowered, motivated and driven in my career but as I am gearing towards that path, I become too heartless and focused. I am starting to hate myself but circumstances taught me never to trust anyone too much again.

Yeah, thanks to you by the way!

 
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Posted by on August 22, 2015 in journal, life

 

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06/29 – Day 219: Letting the Past Go

After reading Message in a Bottle, I got so inspired to write again. It’s been years since I write about him and I am glad that I have the courage to face the past all again. I did not intend to share my story but I will share my letter for some to realized that we just need to let the past go for us to enjoy our today.

Dear Bes,

Today, I recall how my life turned out to be without you in my life. After all that was said and done…

For the nth time I seek for forgiveness. I know you have forgiven me and the past has been burned in your end already. It’s about time I also forgive myself for what I have done. There are times where I can say that I have already forgotten about you… but today, I realized that forgetting is different from denying that you did once exist in my life. I tried to think that what happened in the past is not serious and that I was just too stupid, just a young teen succumb to false feelings that developed into real one and make you believed that I am the ideal person that you really wanted to share forever with. I cannot escape the fact that losing you was mainly my fault. I cannot blame anyone as all you did was simply being real. I know you were honest and that you did love me. Guilt though was suddenly unbearable each day. Just like the famous love cliche goes… “It’s not you, it was me.”

I admit that I suffered for years. I just can’t live denying that one fact in my life… YOU.

Since you came, my life has never been the same again. It was the time wherein I cared for someone so much more than my own. It was the time I realized that love is not just about finding someone that you are physically attracted to but it’s about finding someone that you still love, understand and accept despite his flaws. You’re the first boy who made me feel weird inside, you left me breathless, you made my heart beats faster and slower…

One of my biggest regrets is hurting you. Hurting someone who was too innocent and hurting someone who does not deserve even an inch of it. I just want you to know that you’re the best thing that ever happened to me. You became the best-est friend, someone I can run to, someone who makes me smile, someone who cares and even writes my stupid name on berry knots wrapper. You are someone whom I can feel the sincerity of each “take cares” and “I love you’s.” You are someone who sounds funny and indeed stupid with tagalog words yet I find it so adorable when you try. You’re so lovable that you indeed deserve someone who will love you as if you’re her world and I am actually a bit bitter when I heard the news that you got married. For me it was just so fast… but nevertheless I am happy that you found someone who can make you smile and will love you unconditionally. Things that I used to wish I can… but then again will never be. I am thankful that you start over again, you are a good person, a responsible father and an amazing husband… well that part I just assumed. Knowing you… there maybe times you’ll be tempted, distracted but in the end you’ll choose what is right.

I don’t want to find someone like you because you are irreplaceable. You played your part in my life too well making me realized the harsh reality of being inlove with someone. I take everything as a blessing bound to make sense after many years but it’s all worth it. I’m glad it did not work out between the two of us because if it did, today will be insignificant.

Thank you for being real and for loving me even if I was not. The early years were hard and I considered it as one of my worst days. Well, I deserve it though. I am a fool, I was selfish… I can’t imagine how I was able to move on and that nobody who ever came into my life didn’t seem so right, Until I met someone last year. He was too different compared to you but I like him as much as I like or should I say love you. Those were the days I started thinking of love again. The vulnerability of my emotions that I guarded for so long, forgiving myself is something I was not even ready but I just need to face it all. I battled for months understanding his actions as he makes me feel so confused. He makes me relived the feelings that I used to bury in the past. His smile is one of the best smiles in the world. I miss seeing that glow in his eyes… he’s just one of a kind. I feel so retarded whenever he’s around, it’s like I swallowed my tongue or something and whatever I say just don’t make sense. He was actually the first person who made me realized that I should acknowledge the past in order for me to move on. Again, I can’t find someone like you. You made a distinct mark in my life. You’re the only person who made me feel complete and losing you… well I tried to fill the missing piece of my life puzzle but then, it just won’t fit. Even him… I thought he will but as time flies, he changed and I don’t even know if he still cares about me. I do care about him, I know that if one loves someone she should show it. I should have shown him that but I am just so unsure during those times. I don’t know if I love him or maybe I am infatuated of his soothing charisma and his craziness, that smile and his tone whenever he used to call me by his own made up pet name.

Then one day… HE JUST STOPPED.

The moment he did not care about me was the moment I realized how I miss him so much. I miss him, Bes.

My life is drifting into time… questions swirling in my head, daily struggles I need to face and a lifetime to search for my purpose. Time fleeting so fast allowing me to anticipate what the unknown future beholds. Maybe a year or years from now, my battles today will be just another lesson learned and that I’ll thank God that it happened just like what I am feeling right now when it comes to my love story.

Life is beautiful and I learned that the hard way but then again, everything happens for a reason, a beautiful reason.

The past is just too hard to forget and you need time to help you. I now close one chapter of my life to pave way for new chapters. Let me recall the best memories we shared, the crazy stories we text about each other, our frustrations at school and our dreams that we compare and share solutions with. Any problem back then was easy to bear when you were around. It’s almost a decade but it just feels like yesterday. In another life, I wish I’ll meet you again and hopefully become your bestfriend. Recalling you is the best way to close one of the most memorable chapter in my life. We are now mature enough to face our future without ill regrets. This too will help me in opening my heart to love again wholeheartedly, to care and to accept someone even if he’s not ideal. I hope I can start over again… this time with that someone I met last year, Bes. I hope it’s not too late even if I don’t know where to start.

I hope that after I have accepted what have happened in the past without bitterness, I can now move on without worrying about my own skeletons in the closet. If fate permits may we have the time to fix and regain the friendship that we once shared yet lost. In my heart, you’re still the bestfriend I once have and once love more than myself.

Until we meet again… cheers!

I love you…

my first bestfriend. 🙂

— Sharon

 
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Posted by on July 5, 2012 in journal, life, Life Blog

 

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