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On Being 27

This ain’t the life I imagined to be 10 years ago. When I was a kid up to my puberty days, I planned my adulthood — I actually planned it too well. I wanted to settle down at 25 because I know that I already have a successful career and a husband who’ll be the father of our three beautiful and handsome kids. I will also have a lot of cars and purebred dogs. I’ve travelled to many places here and abroad. I am living my life so lavishly that people envy my success. 

Well, those are just my unrealized dreams. 

I’m now 27 with no savings, no car and no boyfriend. I am lost with what career to pursue despite the degrees I have. I am not even 30% of who I hoped to be. Quarter life crisis hits me up so well that I don’t know how to deal with it sometimes. 

I used to be idealistic with a lot of bulleted plans waiting to be checked. Even my day is used to be so well planned out. It also makes me feel so inefficient when I have a lot of remaining boxes waiting  to be ticked. I have no idea when I started to fully loosen up in being a perfectionist. Probably it’s when I realized that life is  better spent  spontaneously because planning can sometimes be too frustrating. Life is unfair, full of bullcraps and sorrows. Life is full of never ending heartbreaks, failures and unanswered prayers. Life is not about just being persistent to achieve. Life is all about timing and faith.

As I always tell myself, timing is never my strong suit in the deck of life. My success is not about luck but hardwork and pains. There are moments wherein I almost gave up,  nobody knows how I battled depression… how I almost decided to pull the trigger and bid goodbye to this world full of frustrations. I got my skeletons hid well in the closet masked by my positive demeanor. I am a universe full of secrets. I am mostly  alone in my battles but saved by friends who’ve been through worst — some bunch of psychos who survived depression well. I realized that not all happy people are happy and we all have stories to tell.

My faith in God never ceased despite of prayers unanswered. I yelled and hated him for not giving me the life I wanted. I begged for him to return my dad.  I screamed at him. I hated God so bad yet I submit to his will. I know God has a better plan — he always nail it at his own perfect time. I am not a church goer but I believe in God’s presence. I know he’ll always be there for me and that all my prayers will be addressed soon. 

I am blessed to have people who are there for me no matter what. I may not trust a lot but definitely glad to be trusted by most. I knew that somehow I did something right in my life. Even if I don’t have everything I wanted, I turned out to be someone better than I expected. All the bad memories made me more human. The pains I faced made me more empathetic. The heartbreaks I had made me a poet. Life made me feel more of a human being with better understanding of human nature and not just being purely driven to succeed because of my intelligence. I acknowledged my flaws and accepted it because it humbles me. I have controlled my egocentric self who feeds into every achievements I have. I now know my worth and I don’t seek to be recognized. Who I am is a product of both bad and good experiences that actually made me a person my mom and dad can actually be proud of. I live for them. I know they did great in raising me and I’m happy of my choices in life because I turned out to be more than they expected. I always overhear my Tito Edsel and Mama talking about how proud they are of me. They may not have express it verbally but the sacrifices they did for me says it all. My success is always dedicated for those people who believed in my prowess since Day 1 — Daddy,Mama and Tito Edsel. 

At 27, I am more mature in dealing with my life. I am still a work in progress. I still want to be a poet, a photographer, an artist, a celebrity and an ambassadress. I don’t know how I’ll reach for those crazy dreams but I’m willing to take that leap. I’ll probably get my life going towards the right direction ASAP.  I always pray for enlightenment in every decision I make. My life is a battle of tough choices between practicality and passion.

  • I wish to travel more and experience different culture. 
  • I wish to capture more beautiful sunrises and sunsets.
  •  I wish to have more sands to walk to. 
  • I wish to hear more waves roaring and watch its ebb and flow. 
  • I wish to drink more cups of coffee. 
  • I wish to write more haikus and share it to the world.
  • I wish to inspire more people to love poetry. 
  • I wish to spend more time with my aging mother. 
  • I wish for more moments under the stars. 
  • I wish to drink more alcohol and celebrate life’s successes and pitfalls. 
  • I wish to find someone who’ll tame my heart full of spite in the idea that forever exists. 
  • I wish to live my life full of faith in God’s perfect plan. 

I never felt so good after all these years and I hope at this age I’ll be able to make my wishes come true. I also hope to find a man who’ll see my worth and will have the courage to tell me he loves me not just a boy who’s intimidated by my success and won’t fight for his feelings. I need a man, not a boy who doesn’t know how to fight what he feels. I need someone who’ll never let me go. Someone who’ll show me that I’m worth the words and he’s worth the wait. 

At 27… I want life to finally happen as what God intended it to be. Please, God. Please. 

Amen.  

XOXO, 

Carol 😘

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Posted by on November 23, 2016 in personal

 

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Simala Church: Wishes Do Come True

“Have you ever thought of someone like you’ve never thought of someone before?

During my recent trip, I decided to actually find myself and get connected on what my inner voice is saying.  I’ve been blinded for quite some time trying to push on some things that are not even working out and I’m talking not just about relationships but career as well. I’ve been out of tune for quite some time and still in search of life’s great meaning. So I went to Simala Church, one of the most miraculous churches in the country wherein most of those who believe got their wishes come true. I must say that I’m not really a devotee nor religious. I can describe myself as someone who believes in a Supreme Being but not a total fan of Christian traditions. I don’t even read all chapters in the bible. I just believe in God and in goodness to others. To cut the long story short, I decided to take my chances in Simala. I need divine intervention to sort my chaotic life. I know I needed this trip.

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Last March 12, I flew to Cebu and rushed to the South Cebu Terminal to catch the bus going to Sibonga where Simala Shrine is located.  Fare costs at around P63 if I recall it perfectly for an air-conditioned bus. It’s a 2-hour and a half trip where I get the chance to use Google maps for the first time. I am a bit alarmed since the church is only open until 6pm and I was on the bus at 3pm due to heavy traffic from Mactan Airport to the bus terminal.

I am glad that I was able to arrived in the nick of time. Habal habals are available on the main road and they’ll be the ones to take you to the shrine for 20 pesos. It was a perfect time for me to contemplate especially that the shrine is so beautiful at dusk.

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I lit my colored candles for a specific purpose and prayed.

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I lit 5 candles because I know I needed it.

Black ( for souls ):  My uncle recently died during my mom’s birthday and I am surprised at the same time saddened of his death.  He is really funny and very nice to me. I love him so much.

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I also prayed for my other uncle who died last November. I asked for forgiveness since I was not able to provide him all he wants. I am still starting to save up for my future and been into a lot of financial problems due to family matters that I need to resolve.

Green (prosperity ):  I wanted to be financially stable and start to work on my future. I know I needed this to provide my family’s wants.

Gold (health): I prayed for my mom’s health to be better as I want her to still see her future grandchild. I must admit I’m not into getting married as of the moment but I wanted my mom to at least be able to see me stable and raise a family I can call my own.

White ( Guidance ): My life seems to be pointing nowhere and until now I don’t know how to deal with it. I’m starting to give up and surrender the steering wheel to God for I am headed into damnation. It’s been like this for years already.

Red ( Love ) : Being single starts to be uncomfortable at this age. I’m starting to question my own worth, my personality and the likes. It’s exasperating to keep on thinking what I need to change in order to attract someone. I’ve keep on praying and wishing that someone will see me more than a friend but God keeps on denying those prayers. It’s been years full of false hopes but still nothing. I start asking myself why, why am I not worth the words?  Am I not good enough?  The belief I have on myself has been clouded with uncertainties. I questioned my being. I started to feel the blues plus the fear of growing up alone. I decided to surrender this time, to lay my hopes unto God’s feet and let him decide on what’s best for me. I prayed to find him, the one who’ll make me believe that it’s okay to love and be love.

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It is one perfect view to indulge into while my thoughts drift into nothingness. Various thoughts were clouding my mind and I just let it happen, I let those thoughts overflow because I know it’s my needed break.

Travelling back to Cebu City made me feel fulfilled because I was able to go to Simala alone. It’s true that in order for us to connect we must disconnect for the mean time.

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Travelling alone gives you the chance to know more about yourself, it makes you feel so independent and brave. It’s a tough act to follow and I want to experience it all over again. I never trusted myself that much for quite some time due to fear that I might get lost.

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It’s a chaotic world we got here and I realized that I should slow down and feel all the adventures as well as my misadventures. I should be positive and trust God for he knows what is best for me.

For now, I give up. I’ll let him take the lead.

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I never thought of someone as much as I’ve thought of someone right now. Is he the one?  I hope so.

 
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Posted by on March 22, 2016 in personal, travel

 

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Be Careful What You Wish For.

I was so dead tired last Saturday that I slept from 1pm – 2am. I woke up seeing missed calls from my former graduate school professor so I decided to text her and apologized for not being able to answer it. She told me that one of the biggest corporation in the sugar industry is currently hiring an Organizational Development Manager — a position that I really would love to have since it is more focus on improvement of current company processes by conducting research studies. I know I really want a career revamp since I feel that I am not really making progress anymore. The BPO industry is really dynamic and I owe a lot of my wisdom from my years of experience. I never knew I will last more than 5 years in this industry with my sanity intact. Change is inevitable and just like technology it is so drastic. If you are not resilient enough, you will surely decide to move out and find a company that would not test your patience. I love and at the same time hate my job for no apparent reasons, probably because most of the time I get too bored of doing same stuff but my salary surely pays the bill so it’s one motivation why I chose to stay.

Now, I got an opportunity to kiss my job goodbye and try a new adventure. I have been a YOLO kid with a Peter Pan complex. I mean as much as I want change in my career I am also scared of taking my life seriously. At 25, I want to fix my life but there’s this fear that I may no longer have the freedom to do what I want just like the way it was before. The BPO industry is so diversified unlike any other industries that we have. People of all shapes, sizes and ages are working together without any discrimination unlike some other industries. I mean this has been my comfort zone and I know I have been dying to move out since day 180 of my stay in this industry. I finished my bachelor’s degree in Computer Science yet I was not able to practice it at all. I decided to take up Masters in Business Administration and partly applying some of my learning in dealing with my colleagues and subordinates but it is still not enough. My heart seems to long for something I cannot still decipher what except my endless desire to write, to travel and to learn from other people’s way of dealing with life. My interest right now is more geared towards the complexities of human emotions and how each of us battle our daily lives. It is really more in psychology and humanities. I am a complete f*cked up, I know. I am strayed away from the path I traveled but I guess I am really learning more about myself.

I still cannot decide whether I will apply or not. I mean it is far from home prolly a 2 – hour travel plus it might require some seriousness and discipline which is scary but I know I can deal with that. It’s just that the mere thought of nailing it bites inside my heart because it means that I will be leaving my home. I know I have been whining for the past years of how bored or how monotonous my life can be sometimes but it’s not really the work, it’s the people I have been working for quite some time already that makes leaving quite difficult to imagine. I will surely miss working at night and having lunch at 2am in the morning. It made me live in New York timezone. I usually sleep in the morning and wake up in the afternoon. This kind of life that I used to live seems to be hard to forget. I mean, I was once an innocent noob who does not know how crazy the real world can be but now, I have become an independent woman who thrives hard in order to survive and regain my sanity. The real world is so daunting unlike the way we imagined it to be back when we are still learning everything in high school or in college.

I know I wanted this, I wished for this but I never knew that it will happen all of a sudden. I might think about it more and probably hear the catch first before deciding to take a leap of faith. I just want to be sure and be practical with my decision as I don’t want to leave my chill life as much as possible.

Here’s to another sleepless night, I hope my decision will be right!

 
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Posted by on September 7, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Express Thoughts.

Coffee.

I just can’t figure out how this cup can make my mind flooded by thoughts. Earlier today, I found myself in a room that made me awe. It’s this dream I have back then, it’s this dream that make me feel enormous if I pursue it and it’s the same dream I’ve let go for years already. The courtroom always give me that sense of belonging I never have ever felt in my existence. It’s like blogging too, I can feel the rush of passion running in my veins and slowing my heartbeat. It’s that moment when you know you’re in the right path.

But not all dreams come true…

I don’t want to be a lawyer anymore just because I want my life less complicated. I want a life full of adventures, excitement and fun but never a life spent mostly in books, analyzing and interpreting facts as well as defending those who needs your brains. Oh well.

I’m not quite sure why I’m blabbing this right now. I feel like blogging after a cup of Joe I intake before my shift starts.

 
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Posted by on September 15, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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10/17 – Day 329: Bago City

Walking the streets of my hometown gave me a certain kind of nostalgia, time flies so fast. I used to be just a kid with a random dream that I want to achieved when I turned 20 but now I’m 22 and my dreams are still millions of steps away. Oh well, at least I am moving towards it. All smiles! Positive vibes! 🙂

 
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Posted by on November 3, 2012 in life

 

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09/28 – Day 310: Spotlight

Mentor others to find their own spotlight so that they’ll have no chances of stealing yours. haha

I am still searching for my niche, to do what I really love doing and be the best version of my self. I long for the day that I finally find what I really want in life.

 
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Posted by on October 10, 2012 in life

 

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09/27 – Day 309: Dream Board + Crazy Artworks

Working on my dream board so that I can start listing my dreams and be inspired everyday especially when I wake up.

 
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Posted by on October 10, 2012 in life

 

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