RSS

Tag Archives: d

Friday Morning Solitude.

image

He was the thought behind unfinished sentences and discarded blog posts. I write several sentences until my eyes swell and a lump in my throat bothers me. I hit the discard post over save and look at the screen of my phone like a kid deprived of her favorite chocolates. I pray this feeling ends soon because it kills me. It’s like waiting for a moment that you know will never happen but you keep on waiting. You keep on believing that you are awesome and that he should see that like how others see you. You believe that you’re smart, you’re nice and you’re the best he could have. You know you’re worth the words so you choose to wait until he realize that you are the answered prayer. You are his the one.

It was always a battle between justifying my feelings when I know it’ll never be justified at all. I tried to let go countless times but I’m still here stuck with a realization that I’ll never be at peace. I keep on cutting the weeds that suffocate me trying to free myself from his entirety but I can’t. I just can’t.

I look at my phone several times waiting for his text just like how it was before. I keep on wishing nothing actually changed but it changes as months pass by. There’s awkwardness and sadness because the person you thought will never leave you sees you as an option and no longer the priority. Suddenly I keep on asking myself if I’m indeed an asshole. I started to question my worth. I started to doubt myself, started to feel that I’m not enough, started to feel so small in his world. I decided to step back and the loneliness is haunting. I trusted him, told him everything about my life and now I felt that I shared too much of me to someone who does not want to be with me anymore. He’s already keeping a part of himself from me and that makes me actually feel like I can no longer be the person anyone can trust.

I wish to be saved by someone else’s smile and courage to blurt out those words that will awake me from my nightmares and daydreams. I know how hard I prayed to God that I’ll find someone who matches my kind of crazy. He should be honest enough to tell me that I complement his personality. Someone who’ll make me realize that I’m waiting for someone who does not value me because I’m not rich, I’m not beautiful and I’m not smart enough. I’m in limbo of emotions and it’s killing me.

Here’s to my own tragedy… untold, half-written and full of unnecessary pain.

Advertisements
 
Leave a comment

Posted by on February 26, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Sort of.

image

It has always been that way… I guess I have this unwritten mission of saving people, of making life a hell lot better and livable but not all the time though you reap what you sow. I cannot just sit there pretending I’m actually fine when I’m not — I know I’m not. I feel like a bomb wanting to explode. I cannot remember the last time I’ve stood up for what I think is right without going ballistic. I am a universe full of secrets. I know my hot buttons and yes I’m on the verge of losing it all for no logical reason. I just feel it.

I’ve realized that all this time my life revolves too much on others, of constantly understanding, of believing that life is full of good things and I’ll be setting the difference — the change the world wanted to see as per Mahatma Gandhi.

I’m just human.

I cared too much. I loved too much. I tried to fix broken parts of people and I’m lured to that nonsense. I fell for someone who does not even know how to figure his life and here I am playing dice with the Gods pushing my luck to a love with no guarantee. I’m not saying that he’s not good because he is, he’s even a great friend but he’s just not that into all those commitment shit. It’s so hard to figure him out, even harder to define what we have because it has always been his trend.

He does not commit.

When I found out that I’m actually reconsidering lots of things as I approach my quarter life dilemmas, the thought of spending my life with someone like him is equally amazing and at the same time daunting. The waiting part is so draining I can no longer figure it out. Who am I into your life? A question I always ask myself and I always get the same painful answer from the deepest recesses of my brain — FRIENDS.

Today, I felt so drained out. I feel nothing as I gazed into your eyes. It’s like giving up but still hoping things will changed. I wish you can still change and make me believe that I’m special, that you can never live normally anymore because I already made a mark in your life. I want you to feel how different your world without me in it. I tried to somehow define what we have hoping you’ll step up and treat me like nobody else. You came unexpectedly in my life and knowing how I cope with pain, I can shut you out of it. Friendship levels suck, I have lots of guy friends I can banter and taunt with. You — you changed me, my maturity levels to the point of me facing the hauntings of my past hoping that what we have can be something quite different, my own leap of faith to a world I never intended to go back to.

I’m tired.

I’m tired of constantly deciphering circumstances, of thinking why you waste your time texting me and why I also find myself replying to your random texts, of figuring out why we spend our lunches together talking about mundane stuffs, of spending random weekend nights drinking and raving like there’s no tomorrow, of sharing our own skeletons and demons without any fear of being judge. Now, tell me who am I not to fall for your attention?

You know how I hate being vulnerable. I am egocentric, a trait I am constantly battling with but a trait that made me a winner. I fight so hard, drain out my energy into something I truly believed in. I guess not all battle is worth fighting just like the battle between my mind and my feelings. I just can’t take this anymore because I’m supposed to be more than this. I deserved a man who would blatantly tell me that he can’t live without me and not someone who would like to play the guessing game until you don’t know when. It’s frustrating, devastating and depressing to give up right now especially that I have too much pressure at work and at school. I don’t actually know where to place myself in my chaotic world and all I asked for is a little redemption from the most special person in my life but he is not willing to save me.

image

I’ve been too indulge by the thoughts of you that I’m missing a lot in my life. Those things we could have explored together… whatever. I’m just too busy holding on to my feelings without even realizing that letting you go would give me the chance to find a man who would actually love me and without any hesitations tell me that I’m his world. I spent my nights and days blogging about my feelings to the point that your past judge me of believing that happy ever after exist. It does not exist!  *** breaks glass

This is quite a long post, of emotions being stirred by pressure, stress and lack of sleep. I don’t know if I’ll regret whatever I blogged when I wake up later on. These are my emotions  and I cannot find the best outlet to vent it all out. I wanted to scream. All I wanted is for you to take time but it seems that my opinion no longer matters and my company became too ordinary. It’s fine.

I’m fine.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on September 3, 2014 in inspirational, journal, life, Life Blog

 

Tags: , , ,

And so, I’m inlove.

10 Definitive Ways To Tell You’re In Love With The Right Someone

http://elitedaily.com/dating/10-ways-know-youre-love-someone-dont-just-like/685279/ via @EliteDaily

So, here I go again with my weekly love thing.

I was scrolling my FB newsfeed looking for something that is actually quite interesting. The hopeless romantic side of me decided to click the link and voila I’m reading another love list that made me “awww”…. whatever.

I am a hypocrite if I say I never dreamt of my own happy ever after. I do. I will start investing soon not because I want to buy my own car but I want to finance that dream wedding I’m looking forward for years now. Technically, I’m single but God knows my heart did not feel that way. If you’re an avid follower of my blog then you’re a living testimony that indeed I’m in love with someone. I cannot deny it because of course I wrote about it. Anyways, it’s a little ironic though because of course I wanted my life to be private but I kept on writing and writing and writing about my feelings. I can’t help it though, it’s like my alter ego won’t stop until it gets all poured out. Now anyone online knows my oh so called love life. Do I need to rehashed it?  Nah, scroll down and explore my blog so you’ll know what I’m blabbering about.

Going back to square one, I found myself deluded by my thoughts. I’m stressed out with work, school, family and the list goes on and depression is haunting its way again but I won’t enslave myself again with negativity. It took me quite some time to battle my demons and I won’t be a slave of it over and over again. Enough said.

So, for someone like me who’s a commitment-phobe thinking about commitment is quite scary because I know it’s getting real this time. I think what I’m feeling right now is quite different from what I’ve ever felt before. I don’t actually know why but yes he’s the best part of my day… always. He’s always I want to text. He’s the one I think about, the one I care about and definitely the one I want to be with. He’s my best friend. It’s not an unrequited kind of thing though because he makes his way in my heart too. Who knows right ? I trust God on this.

It’s scary to find yourself in a very vulnerable state. I know how it feels to be broken, it’s devastating and I’m not ready for that. Geez.

If you ever find yourself in a situation when you’re already on the hooked and can no longer escape it, Good luck! I’m actually letting things happen because I must say he’s the only one that completes my day and I never loved someone as much as I love and value myself.

Cheers to the romantic ones, may they be happy with their “the one “!

Until next …

SCL

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on August 13, 2014 in life

 

Tags: , , , , ,

Just Because It’s Sunday … 08.10.14

Good morning says the sun and I’m in my room getting drowned by Spotify’s hottest tracks and my thoughts wandering into Nirvana.

I had an amazing dream that surely fueled me the energy to survive this day. My subconscious is telling me that I’m happy whenever we’re together doing nothing but laughing at each other and that we are always looking for good food. We look for food even in dreams.

Anyways, it’s not the meat of the matter here. You see I haven’t wrote about my feelings since last week perhaps. I am thankful for the positive changes in my life because I know I’ve wanted this. I admit I’m scared, idk if I can pull this out well. I’ve said that it was indeed a challenge accepted but I’m afraid if I will emerged victorious in the end. Of course, I will (ahuh ). I don’t want to pressure myself at all. I just want to enjoy my new role and I want to make the best of graduate school. I want to succeed in both worlds that I am in and even bargained  God for a love life. My choices do not totally define me but I like my choices. I am determined enough to compel my life to its betterment. Only few knows my story and despite my positive demeanor lies some untold stories, some skeletons I hide just because… I trust only few people and only few knows my drama because truth be told, I prefer my life to be private. I hate explaining my life, this is my life – who cares right? It’s meant for people who would understand but never for those who judge.

I am thankful though for people who’ve accepted me for who I am. I recently told someone special about my life, my so called dysfunctional life only to realized that he too is facing a somewhat like battle. He accepted my story and even offered to help. I don’t know if I deserved such a beautiful soul but I know he was God given. I’ve thank God for him because unconsciously he helped me in closing some chapters of my life and live it as chill as possible. He’s my muse, the boy behind my posts… the boy I won’t get tired of loving and caring, the boy I want to spend the rest of my life with if God permits it. I’ve let go and let God decides what’s best. I don’t want to push it if it’s not meant to be. In God’s perfect time, I’ll be with my the one.

I still fear the word commitment though but slowly I am embracing its beauty and why it’s necessary.

Anyways, I’m blabbering again. The gist here is to just let things happen and never forced it. Trust his will no matter how tragic is happening in your life. I came from a point wherein being strong is the only choice I have and here I am right now, stained but better.

I remembered what have happened last summer. I feel shitty… at wits end kind of shit. I did my best in graduate school only to realized I will never  graduate with honors anymore because of an academic issue I never intended to. I’ve learned things the hardest way and I don’t understand still why I deserved its consequences. I will not rehashed what have happened because of course… ill thoughts are poison that can kill my positive cells. I don’t hold grudges because its toxic so I rather forgive but never forget.

What’s the point of all of this, you might wonder. Yesterday, I was on my way to our classroom when I saw last year’s dean’s list. I checked my name but I was not able to find it. I shrugged it off because of course I know that my chance for the coveted honors no longer exist. I was literally shocked though when I found my name under the president’s list.

Lamb, Sharon Carol S.

I felt something within me. Elephants running amuck in my tummy and a sudden hangover like feeling. Oh shit.

Oh shit, again.

I’m not part of the Dean’s list but the President’s list — the highest amongst all and only 5 of us made it.

I want to rejoice but tidal waves of memories and my bitterness of what have happened last summer is splashing my conscious mind. I shifted from being giddy to early stages of depression. People congratulating me seems to be just bees buzzing, I couldn’t hear them because my thoughts were too loud as it screams away from the haunt of memories.

I thought I’ve moved on but nope, I’m in deep shit still. I guess I still can never get away from that feeling. Oh well.

Being accused as a cheater won’t define me. I know my worth. I know myself. I guess I’ll see the beauty of where I am someday when everything is well and it will all then make sense.

Here I am, drowned again by my thoughts and my emotions. I have lots of things to whine about but I have thousands of things to thank God for. Let me still fill the world with good vibes even if I have issues to face. It’s part of growing up, you know.  🙂

Until my next crazy post…

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on August 10, 2014 in inspirational, journal, life, Life Blog, people

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Status: It’s Complicated

Love  according to Merriam Webster is
a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties
(2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers
(3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests

and Romance is defined as
intransitive verb
1 : to exaggerate or invent detail or incident
2 : to entertain romantic thoughts or ideas

transitive verb
1 : to try to influence or curry favor with especially by lavishing personal attention, gifts, or flattery
2 : to carry on a love affair with

————————————–

It’s the time of the week again that I feel like talking and writing my opinions before I’m  drowned with my thoughts.

I’ve got lots of stuffs to do such as to read our books for my graduate studies, learn the basics of accounting and that desire to drink cocktails.

I’m stressed out because my emotions suck this past few days. I have questions longing to be asked since time immemorial. I want someone to explain to me why things didn’t work out. I want to get out of this crappy mess I’m involved with.

If only I knew…

Anyways, it’s either real or false reality.

It sucks to be the good friend when in fact you’re hurting big time. It hurts so bad you just want to disappear into the nothingness or maybe hit your head so hard you forget everything and no single emotions left.

It double sucks (if that’s even a word ) if you offer the advice they need when you’re the one swallowing your pride because it’s also the love you fuckin wanted from the start.

If only I can fall out of love but I can’t. No matter how hard I fight it… I just can’t. He knows I’ll always stay and that I’ll choose him over and over because he makes me happy in a non – chalant way. He accepted me for who I am and for who I am not. He makes me write like I never wrote before. He’s not the typical guy. He was heaven sent.

Love is a choice.

You cannot just sleep then wake up one day as if you haven’t feel anything at all. Love is accepting him for who he is despite his vices. Love is that warm feeling you feel when he smiles at you and that connection whenever you talk. It’s how our eyes gleam when we’re so engage in our conversations about life, work and family. It’s how we were that I just can’t forget. You made me believe that it’s all worth a second try… that you can be my prince charming. You’ll always be my “2012”

The Decision.

It’s about time I fight for my own happiness. I need to stay away from the girl even if I valued her as my friend. I’m not staying away because I’m guilty but I want to save myself from hurting over and over again. I’m crushed, wrecked and torn. I don’t want to see her so giddy because of you. I don’t want to see her so hopeful. I hate hearing her love shenanigans. Knowing the guy so well, he deserves more than a lost girl whom I know is a good person despite the loud mouth and her vices. She romanticize things because she’s the type who believes that every boy who hits on her is a potential prince charming. She ends up being hurt over and over.

I’m not like her.

I am strong willed, crazy, witty and the non-conformist. I don’t easily get swayed by sweet gestures or at least doesn’t show it. I don’t drink and kiss then prolly have sex with someone I barely new. I know the things I believed in, my convictions, my principles that are so traditional but I do not just take it for granted. I value myself and I’m doing everything that I can for my name not to be stained. I never begged for love and it’s so hard to tell him that I love him.

I do love him.

I don’t know where it all started. I fell in-between our laughters, our own moments and how sweet you can actually be without even trying. I fell because you cared too well. I don’t know what or how or whatever.

I just fell.

You became a part of me and I choose to be just your friend. I admit that I get jealous. I get jealous when I knew you’re together because I knew how much she loves you. I love you so much I just don’t know if you love me as well. I’ll not assume unless it’s stated even though I can feel it.

I know you like me.

I know you value me.

I hope you’ll choose me.  😦

It’s Complicated.

He values what she feels if ever we’ll be together.
He cares that we’re friends.

It’s so complicated.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on December 19, 2013 in journal, life, Life Blog

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,