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Be Careful What You Wish For.

I was so dead tired last Saturday that I slept from 1pm – 2am. I woke up seeing missed calls from my former graduate school professor so I decided to text her and apologized for not being able to answer it. She told me that one of the biggest corporation in the sugar industry is currently hiring an Organizational Development Manager — a position that I really would love to have since it is more focus on improvement of current company processes by conducting research studies. I know I really want a career revamp since I feel that I am not really making progress anymore. The BPO industry is really dynamic and I owe a lot of my wisdom from my years of experience. I never knew I will last more than 5 years in this industry with my sanity intact. Change is inevitable and just like technology it is so drastic. If you are not resilient enough, you will surely decide to move out and find a company that would not test your patience. I love and at the same time hate my job for no apparent reasons, probably because most of the time I get too bored of doing same stuff but my salary surely pays the bill so it’s one motivation why I chose to stay.

Now, I got an opportunity to kiss my job goodbye and try a new adventure. I have been a YOLO kid with a Peter Pan complex. I mean as much as I want change in my career I am also scared of taking my life seriously. At 25, I want to fix my life but there’s this fear that I may no longer have the freedom to do what I want just like the way it was before. The BPO industry is so diversified unlike any other industries that we have. People of all shapes, sizes and ages are working together without any discrimination unlike some other industries. I mean this has been my comfort zone and I know I have been dying to move out since day 180 of my stay in this industry. I finished my bachelor’s degree in Computer Science yet I was not able to practice it at all. I decided to take up Masters in Business Administration and partly applying some of my learning in dealing with my colleagues and subordinates but it is still not enough. My heart seems to long for something I cannot still decipher what except my endless desire to write, to travel and to learn from other people’s way of dealing with life. My interest right now is more geared towards the complexities of human emotions and how each of us battle our daily lives. It is really more in psychology and humanities. I am a complete f*cked up, I know. I am strayed away from the path I traveled but I guess I am really learning more about myself.

I still cannot decide whether I will apply or not. I mean it is far from home prolly a 2 – hour travel plus it might require some seriousness and discipline which is scary but I know I can deal with that. It’s just that the mere thought of nailing it bites inside my heart because it means that I will be leaving my home. I know I have been whining for the past years of how bored or how monotonous my life can be sometimes but it’s not really the work, it’s the people I have been working for quite some time already that makes leaving quite difficult to imagine. I will surely miss working at night and having lunch at 2am in the morning. It made me live in New York timezone. I usually sleep in the morning and wake up in the afternoon. This kind of life that I used to live seems to be hard to forget. I mean, I was once an innocent noob who does not know how crazy the real world can be but now, I have become an independent woman who thrives hard in order to survive and regain my sanity. The real world is so daunting unlike the way we imagined it to be back when we are still learning everything in high school or in college.

I know I wanted this, I wished for this but I never knew that it will happen all of a sudden. I might think about it more and probably hear the catch first before deciding to take a leap of faith. I just want to be sure and be practical with my decision as I don’t want to leave my chill life as much as possible.

Here’s to another sleepless night, I hope my decision will be right!

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Posted by on September 7, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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It’s Another Monday Ramble

The weather makes me want to write as random thoughts crowding my mind so better yet it’s about time for me to look for a good muse ( I need that random kick to get started just so you know). I opened my bedside drawer and scanned the product of my midnight ramblings a decade ago… I found out several journals and notebooks all filled with my stories, my frustrations, my joy and er yeah my life, of course.

I’m a random kid who loves to write and blog. I think I have this crazy handwriting fetish because I like seeing my handwriting on various medium and I like how absurd my thoughts can be. I like how my mind works and hate it when it over thinks. I’m like hey hey wait a minute you’re getting way out the axis, chill brain… ( I’m sorry for another monologue episode ).

Okay, here I go with my thoughts and thirst to write. I feel a little lot tired and desperate. Tired because things are happening all at once and I’m pressuring my mind to work like shit because it’s not working lately or should I say refused to work because she knows I need to work on my accounting case studies. I hate it. I guess I might need a separate blog post for my rants about it though. Anyways, I’m tired because of accounting and desperate because of it too. I actually don’t know if I still love graduate school or not. Whatever.

Moving on to the good vibes…

It’s a Monday and I’ve been unproductive. I’m not in the mood to work on my graduate school papers. I don’t worry much about work because I’ve already started my deck for our meeting later. Last week, I’m actually losing myself because of jealousy issues. I’ve been too indulge to those CSI-like patterns that I’m actually drifting and made me lose my damn focus on work and school related issues. I resorted to online articles about how to overcome it. I fixed my thoughts and myself. I don’t have the right to feel such nor the right to react because we are not even committed to each other. I acknowledged the feeling and tried to let it go.

So that was a brief summary of my last week’s life story. Now, I’m actually enjoying my sober thoughts.  I’m still kinda lost of what really to do with my life so I just simply make the best of today. Quarter life crisis about to take its toll and I’m getting ready for possible emotional surge that may come my way. I’ve got lots of issues to face and just the thought of it horrifies me so I sit and daydream for a while trying to escape reality. Why worry about tomorrow if I still have today ? Yep, why worry at all?

But I’m worrying.

Now, I’m actually panicking. I’m afraid that my fears and stressors will slowly consume me. I’m afraid that I’ll never get to live as chill as possible. I don’t know. I want to live passionately, doing the things that make me smile, being with someone who’s worthwhile. I want to grasp the meaning of this life I’m currently living. Going to school actually is fun and enlightening because I’m investing on myself but I cannot deny the fact that each day in the academe makes me recall what have happened last summer. Some basic facts actually are slowly killing me and I can never moved on. It hurts like hell and I’m nursing a bruised ego. I want to forget all these shits and possibly drown my worries over a bottle of Cuervo. Yes, I need alcohol or caffeine to make me giddy. I am fully aware that alcohol never  solves a problem neither does milk. So here I am on a not really that gloomy Monday afternoon sorting my thoughts and rehashing my yesteryears.

I thought I’m a grown up already but then I’m not. There are still aspects in my life that I need to work on. There are fears that scare the hell out of me. There’s this confusion about love. There are these battles of what I really want versus what I need to do. Yes, growing up is never easy and being me is even harder.  I’m actually discerning about  my life… am I on the right track?  Too many questions clouded up my mind and I’m again stuck into the fleeting minutes of my time doing absolutely nothing except sorting my ideas and thoughts.

I’ll never be coherent. Whatever.

So I still can’t find my muse nor an interesting topic to blog about. Again, I ended up pouring my innermost feelings about certain aspects of my life and my world. What I wrote is actually the opposite of my cheery demeanor. I maybe an eternal optimist but I can’t hide the fact that I too is a human with a side that I don’t want others to know but I’m slowly revealing it through my blogs and my posts. This is the real me, no pretensions… just a blogger who writes her thoughts online not to impress but to  express.

 
 

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