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Rants and Bottled Feelings.

My life seems to be so rudimentary that I usually know how to end and start it. It’s always a series of fortunate and unfortunate events and tests of faith that started way back when my innocence in life got stained by realities. I live a so-so life with pretty much nothing exciting to talk about except of course my rants about life, my work, love gone to heaven so as the fragments of my hope in humanity. Media made me hate those extremists whose causes I don’t actually get. Taxes that suck my hope in our government. Multiple work mails I need to reply. My chaotic mind with a lot of dreams yet still I’m stuck in my own comfort zone who pretty much sucks up my remaining hope in myself. Of course, I get paid but yeah — I still live beyond limits without using my full potential. 

It’s another day of rants so please forgive me.

My mind is such a terrible place to be in. Everyday I get to experience various weather like feels. Sometimes it’s sunny where I tend to have positive thoughts or days when my lurkers start to suck up all the positive ions and left me with undesirable thoughts that can be intoxicating sometimes. Today, I just feel like eating my favorite pie somewhere and talk about nonsense.

As I grow older, people come and people just go. Sometimes we all wish old friends will make time when you’re in dire need of someone but geez I’m not the Hannah Baker type who lashes out in mixtapes how my friends disappointed me big time. It’s just how it is. You just got to live life and be appreciative of people who remembers you and understand those who can’t make time. 


As I tried to be normal at home, I suddenly miss how rowdy it used to be. I missed watching news with my uncle and talk about it during dinner. Pepper is usually hyperactive so we both need to tone her down. Our cat who would just sit in our laps and my mom asking what the news is all about is the typical 6pm scene. Those sepia images of our life before daunted me while I’m drinking beer on a work day and instead of feeling sentimental, I felt surreal. 

I wonder what this home will be like couple of years from now. Will I be alone watching TV with popcorn, chips and beer because I rather be drunk than feel the misery? Will I be with my mom still and live like today? Will I be somewhere else wondering what have happened to our used to be home? The thoughts are too much to bear. I can’t live alone but I can’t leave… Either way it both sucks but I might need to plan everything out before it’s too late.

Work will still be something I need to do to live my wants. I am tired living the employee life and studying much on how to be a better entrepreneur. I need my mind to work and I need growth. I need a life away from the four corners of this corporate world.

I feel so dysfunctional. It’s not the usual routine 12 months ago but what I’m doing each day starts to feel so familiar. I don’t know how my heart functions today especially to the things it used to do or even feel. I started not to care about the world, not to hope, not to assume and not to feel. I’ve totally succumbed into the DGAF mindset. Everything seems to be driven by logic and reasons which pretty much bores me. I’m losing the substance of my own thoughts when I try to write about what I deeply feel — the unwritten chapters now bothering and it’s hard to express what my soul resonates. My mind dies as my heart passionately writes nothing. It’s the killer silence, the panacea of my being.

Until that day comes… 

End. 

 
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Posted by on June 7, 2017 in personal

 

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Be Careful What You Wish For.

I was so dead tired last Saturday that I slept from 1pm – 2am. I woke up seeing missed calls from my former graduate school professor so I decided to text her and apologized for not being able to answer it. She told me that one of the biggest corporation in the sugar industry is currently hiring an Organizational Development Manager — a position that I really would love to have since it is more focus on improvement of current company processes by conducting research studies. I know I really want a career revamp since I feel that I am not really making progress anymore. The BPO industry is really dynamic and I owe a lot of my wisdom from my years of experience. I never knew I will last more than 5 years in this industry with my sanity intact. Change is inevitable and just like technology it is so drastic. If you are not resilient enough, you will surely decide to move out and find a company that would not test your patience. I love and at the same time hate my job for no apparent reasons, probably because most of the time I get too bored of doing same stuff but my salary surely pays the bill so it’s one motivation why I chose to stay.

Now, I got an opportunity to kiss my job goodbye and try a new adventure. I have been a YOLO kid with a Peter Pan complex. I mean as much as I want change in my career I am also scared of taking my life seriously. At 25, I want to fix my life but there’s this fear that I may no longer have the freedom to do what I want just like the way it was before. The BPO industry is so diversified unlike any other industries that we have. People of all shapes, sizes and ages are working together without any discrimination unlike some other industries. I mean this has been my comfort zone and I know I have been dying to move out since day 180 of my stay in this industry. I finished my bachelor’s degree in Computer Science yet I was not able to practice it at all. I decided to take up Masters in Business Administration and partly applying some of my learning in dealing with my colleagues and subordinates but it is still not enough. My heart seems to long for something I cannot still decipher what except my endless desire to write, to travel and to learn from other people’s way of dealing with life. My interest right now is more geared towards the complexities of human emotions and how each of us battle our daily lives. It is really more in psychology and humanities. I am a complete f*cked up, I know. I am strayed away from the path I traveled but I guess I am really learning more about myself.

I still cannot decide whether I will apply or not. I mean it is far from home prolly a 2 – hour travel plus it might require some seriousness and discipline which is scary but I know I can deal with that. It’s just that the mere thought of nailing it bites inside my heart because it means that I will be leaving my home. I know I have been whining for the past years of how bored or how monotonous my life can be sometimes but it’s not really the work, it’s the people I have been working for quite some time already that makes leaving quite difficult to imagine. I will surely miss working at night and having lunch at 2am in the morning. It made me live in New York timezone. I usually sleep in the morning and wake up in the afternoon. This kind of life that I used to live seems to be hard to forget. I mean, I was once an innocent noob who does not know how crazy the real world can be but now, I have become an independent woman who thrives hard in order to survive and regain my sanity. The real world is so daunting unlike the way we imagined it to be back when we are still learning everything in high school or in college.

I know I wanted this, I wished for this but I never knew that it will happen all of a sudden. I might think about it more and probably hear the catch first before deciding to take a leap of faith. I just want to be sure and be practical with my decision as I don’t want to leave my chill life as much as possible.

Here’s to another sleepless night, I hope my decision will be right!

 
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Posted by on September 7, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Doldrums

After watching Jobs, a movie about the man whose vision I  have
always adored I felt so empty. A  rare feeling after watching an inspiring film supposed to be.

Steve Jobs. I love how his mind works and how he had changed the world. His brilliance is one of a kind, the kind I’m definitely envious of. Right now I’m in my room sulking in my bed thinking how my life is going so far. I would admit… I’m not happy with how I ended up to be.

I am a dreamer, an achiever and a go – getter. I hate comfort zones because I believed that there is no growth in staying that you learn to value what life is when you’re out there  exploring. I love freedom. I like to go to places alone. I love solitude. I hunger for experiences that will change me. I am bound to be great but then again here I am…

I’ve been working since 2010 two months after I finished my degree in Computer Science, after winning my most-coveted Corps D’ Elite award for outstanding club president and after spending one school year working for our class yearbook. I was at my prime yet again … here I am.

I’m thankful to have a job in an industry I really despised back in college. Yes, the industry I used to hate is the one feeding me and my family, it pays my bills and so as my graduate school studies. I’m thankful, of course. This is the type of job I never aspired to be in. I don’t see myself for the rest of my freaking life assisting customers who don’t know how to fix their mobile applications and their home security. It melts my heart whenever my customer thanks me for a job well done but it doesn’t give me the happiness and fulfillment that I wanted. I love my team, my colleagues who became my close friends and mentors I’ve met who have seen my potentials. I know what I am capable of doing and what I’m doing right now is not even 20% of what I am made to be. It’s not using my talents and skills. It does not give me the GROWTH that I hungered since day one. What I get actually are fun memories, bullshits and values that can help me in the future.

Maybe you’re wondering why am I still here.

An only child has no better choice but to be an heir of her parent’s problems. I too am not a bad child who can just leave my mother alone just for her selfish dreams. I know how much my mom sacrificed for me during the days when we’re about to lose everything. A child born in luxury never understands what life is until she had nothing left. I never learn to value things until I had almost nothing… and rebuilding it is the hardest part.

I don’t know how to save the ship from sinking. I don’t know how to be a captain. What I know is that I’m bound to be great and all this crap is not part of it supposed to be. I am strayed away from the creative path I longed to travel. I’m strayed away from my corporate dreams… of drinking coffee while discussing our next project, of living the cosmopolitan life and of working in a creative environment where my works are commended and my leadership is recognized. A life that I’m bound to be…

Sometimes as I looked back of how hard I really worked for my degree and those awards I used to get I feel so sad of where I am right now. I am a prodigy, a child full of wonder, a person my nieces and nephews idolize… used to be full of potentials and dreams now a bum who loves to chill, who drinks a lot of coffee and beer and sleeps a lot. My life is slowly fading away from me… I no longer recognized myself. I am programmed to stay where I am because I have family issues to fix, my mother needs me and work financed my graduate school studies which by the way is my ticket to success.

Oh well.

I have no idea how I’ll ended up to be. I have no idea until when can I hold on. I’m like an animal trapped in a cage looking at the possibilities behind the bars that locked me out from being great. I cannot just go out and explore knowing that there are people who needs me. I cannot be selfish… I just can’t.

I don’t know what’s the moral story of my blog post. Maybe all I can really say right now is to trust God and his will. He has plans for us and where I am right now might be just a prelude into something better. I cannot just lose hope right now. I’m an optimist, I see great things on difficult situations. I know I’m bound to be great and it’s all about perfect timings. I’m in doldrums waiting for something to happen. I’ll enjoy this journey full of uncertainty… I’m getting older and older as time passes by so might as well live my life to the fullest that I can and whatever situation I’m at.

Oh well.

I’ll keep on knowing myself, my passion… my dreams because it will be my starting point to my road to greatness.

 
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Posted by on January 12, 2014 in inspirational, journal, life, Life Blog

 

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01/05 – Day 43: Time to Review

CSCI106: Introduction to Electronics is one of my favorite major subjects back in college. I love it because it is easy and fun even though we are required to solve a lot of problems every meeting.

I know my posts is getting too random as it gets. Today, I tried to open my journal and I opted not to write because I am not in the mood. When I tried to checked my box where old stuffs are arranged I saw my college notebook back when I was about to turn 17 and a sophie in CS.

I hate Math, seriously.

When it comes to numbers, it’s been a love-hate relationship. I thought Computer Science is simply about computers, trends in technology and programming but not hard core mathematics. I was definitely wrong. I never realized until our teacher told us that Computer Science is about computation thus COMPUTEr. According to Wikipedia – Computer science or computing science (abbreviated CS) is the study of the theoretical foundations of information and computation. This was the beginning of my beautiful nightmare.

I never regret taking up CS and just so you know, college was tough except for great people that made it worthwhile. Two-thumbs up!

As time passes by, I feel stuck that it will be harder to come back soon. I decided that this year it’s time to stretch my lazy nerve cells and get it back to work before I forget all those tidbits of being a geek in the binary world. Since I am not really interested in application programming, I will simply give more time in reviewing for web programming and study the trends in cross platform programming so as in graphic designing. I am better in design than in coding so I’ll focus on where I am good at rather than deal with the impossible. Time is my mortal enemy in achieving this goal. I wanted to shift path this year and get the job that I want but for personal/family reasons I just can’t leave Bacolod so I’ll just prepare myself once opportunities strike again rather than bury myself in despair and dumbness.

I hate it when my skills are not used as I get stupid and stupid each day. I don’t get my mind to work beyond its limits. It’s just working on a monotonous pace that is too boring for a Sagittarian like me. I want growth and a dynamic life.

This is the best time… will be signing off in my current workplace soon, thanks to awesome people that is making my stay long because it’s also hard to forget those shared memories you all have together but then life should go on. Until I do not know where to go, I will still stay. 🙂

Note: I don’t know why I chose this particular page on my notebook… I am not planning to review Physics or Electronics, it just happens to be that I really love this subject back in college – especially Ohm’s Law. I even recalled our capacitors and resistors project. haha

 
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Posted by on January 7, 2012 in 23, college, journal, life, work

 

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